Advice for a mom with control issues (me)?

[BamaTanya]

I'm having trouble making some day-to-day decisions with my teen.

 

Let me give you a little bit of background.

 

I was (still am to some degree) a perfectionist. Which can be a blessing and a curse. I never wanted to offend anyone. I wanted the papers I turned in for school assignments to be error-free (even if they didn't have any real substance). I wanted my shoes to match -- navy skirts/navy shoes, taupe skirts/taupe shoes. For an interview or work I'd wear none or subtle make-up. I discovered early that I wasn't willing to keep up fingernail polish, so I quit completely.

 

Why was I like this? Hmmmm. I grew up in a legalistic church with parents who had high expectations. I always wanted to please them and I was pretty sure I'd go directly to h@ll if I disobeyed on purpose. Or, maybe, it's just my psychological makeup.

 

I worked at places like Disney World where women could only wear stud earrings and no fingernail polish or lipstick. Strict dress codes that impressed me because I learned how to conform in order to keep my job and to keep from offending or drawing too much attention.

 

Enough about me.

 

My dd is not like me in this. We've had numerous (ahem) discussions about why I "think everything has to be perfect" or why I "care so much about what other people think." (Okay. She has a point. So I'm TRYING to be more balanced.)

 

I've given up control of clothing as long as it doesn't look hootchie-cootchie (I still reserve veto rights as I am responsible for her safety and education). I've bought her lovely clothing ensembles (with her input) for church or formal occasions -- dressy dresses that she picked out, strappy heels in complementary colors, etc.

 

She often chooses to mix and match things differently. A striped skirt with a floral top. Her sneakers with funky socks and the dressy dress.

 

It makes me cringe. And sometimes I say, "I thought we bought shoes to match that?" But I don't force her to change. If she wants to look unconventional in our traditional church (including fuscia pink hair one summer), I don't like it, but I allow it.

 

This is SO not like me. And it's something I'm struggling with as she heads into this new world of independence.

 

She's looking for a job. She's volunteering at the hospital (where she wears a uniform) and at a school for special needs kids.

 

I'm proud of her and I truly want to help her find *her* way.

 

HOWEVER:

 

I'm finding it extremely difficult to deal with her funky choices for work or job interviews. Glittery turquoise fingernail polish? Fuzzy pink socks? :confused:

 

Sigh.

 

I know the world is more casual than it was. I know our community is more tolerant of different looks.

 

I'm just afraid that her wanting "to express myself" look could possibly affect the job interview process. She's gotten pretty discouraged that she hasn't had an interview after putting in bunches of applications over the past months. I'm encouraging her to continue her volunteer work 1) to keep busy and 2) for possible references. And then I see what she chooses for work ...

 

Am I the only one who struggles with this? My sweet dd is SO different from me I think I'm having trouble trusting her decisions . . .

 

You can tell me to get a life. I know I often need a :chillpill:. But I also want to CONSTRUCTIVELY help her through this transition into adulthood and I'm afraid I've missed some early instruction (a lot) and this might not be what she needs now.

 

Be gentle, please. :tongue_smilie:

[meggie]

I think at her age, the best lesson would come from the real world. If they think the fuzzy pink socks would be a hindrance to the job they won't hire her. If they don't care, they will. My mother is an extreme perfectionist and anal retentive and my entire life I heard a lot of nagging. Finally, FINALLY when she came out to visit this last time, she learned to (mostly) keep her comments to herself. Sometimes she had to hear a little "it's not your problem to worry about" reminder from me.

 

Her issues combined with my dad's, well most of my siblings and I grew up feeling we weren't good enough to be loved. I still beat myself up for every little mistake I make. That's not a grown up way of dealing with it. Let her make mistakes. Let her express herself in a non "hootchie" way. She will not learn any coping strategies or figure out ways to solve her problems if you try to go in there and fix them for her. Toddlers fall down a lot in the quest to learn how to walk. Let her fall down a little (figuratively speaking of course)

[Susan C.]

Time your input when it will be received well. One dd might ask what she should wear before the interview, another wants to wear what they want and will ask after there are several interviews and no job. You can also tell her indirectly, for instance you could just happen to watch a tv show or movie with an interview in it and hopefully dd will notice what is being worn. I find with my dc, you can offer a suggestion, say it once, and let it "percolate" in their heads and see where things end up. Sort of like steering them when you can but letting them decide what they are going to do. Hope that made sense....

[Danestress]

It sounds great to me that you have learned not twitch when you see the funky outfits or pink hair. That's a great Mom accomplishment. Someday she will totally appreciate that you were refined and conservative but let her be something different, and she will love you for that.

 

The problem is, daughters have an incredible ability to see and hear in their mothers what no one else could possibly hear. So you can say, "You look nice today" and to any observer, it would appear that you told her she looks nice.

 

But she will pick up on the subtle twitch. Daughters just do. They have ESP for their mother's thoughts. She will know you hate what she is wearing even if you are the best actress on earth.

 

I think you are probably the wrong person to talk to her about this because there is a fairly intense emotional history of you not liking what she wears. Even if it feels pretty non-intense to you, everything is in tense for a teenager. There is probably an entire layer of defensiveness just waiting for you to speak.

 

Do you have a funky friend? Maybe someone else could talk to her about job interviews. Maybe you have an aging hippy friend who had to cut off the dreadlocks for the corporate job, or an eccentric old lady friend who your daughter admires for her unconventional dress, but who could still drop the appropriate hints to your daughter and be way better received.

 

I wonder if even her Dad would be a better choice. I just would avoid this if I were you.

[eternalknot]

:grouphug: I'm Asian. Read: controlling, opinionated family LOL.

 

I'm a lot like your daughter when it comes to personal statement choices WRT my appearance. I attended a mix of public and private schools, both with pretty strict dress codes regarding hair length, acceptable color, allowable jewelry, and choice of shoe type. I'm pretty sure this encouraged me to go a bit more ... unconventional ... on my off-time, but TBH I've always just been a wee bit odd in the appearance department!

 

I currently work in a job much like the Disney job you describe. I'm in customer service, wear a uniform, and have a standard of appearance I'm contractually held to. I don't mind it so much, but I did spend the first five years of my career trying to stretch the parameters of that uniform code! Looking for loopholes, challenging certain requirements, etc. I don't regret that I did, but it caused my mom some grief (the dress AND the daring to challenge the established rules.) I had to mature out of it. I'm glad my mom gave me some freedom to learn this lesson on my own; that society does judge you by certain factors, and to learn where my comfort level fell in regard to that. FWIW, I've toned it down a bit but I'm still the most oddly-dressed person I know. I like it that way, though :D. Your daughter may, too!

 

I think it's within Mom Boundaries to prepare your daughter for social convention WRT appearances. It sounds like you've struck a great compromise already as far as formal or church activities go -- can you impress upon her that job interviews are in the same sort of category? Are the jobs she applying for more tolerant of (or even seeking of) her funkier choices? If not, can she gravitate towards those types of jobs? Even certain restaurants and retailers prefer that.

 

Barring that, suggest that she create her own "work uniform" that would include job interviews -- I'm stuck in a navy polyester potato sack of a dress, but she could grab a handful of separates that could be wearable to a job (including interviews). I do accessorize my uniform with weird nail polish and hair pieces (nothing in the regs about hair jewelry or wigs!), and I think it's preferable that she do the same - keep her accessories as the funky touch, rather than dressing entirely in something, purposefully mismatched. You two could pick some things out together, perhaps setting up some rules ahead of time about each person's input.

 

It's a completely valid concern that her dress is affecting her ability to land an interview. It could also just be the economy, and that there are a handful of applicants for any given job. Who knows, who cares; it's likely enough that it's worth addressing, though. At her general age I was very stubborn about being accepted for me. I was going to force people to take me the way I am, that I was going to break stereotypes. Blah, blah, blah, insert idealistic, teen-age "wisdom" here LOL. I had to outgrow that on my own, though. Family pressure to conform on my personal time would only have dug me deeper into those ideals. The key -for me- was for my family to convince me that Work wasn't personal time; it was like going to private school, and there was a uniform - if not expressed, than implied.

 

Other than that, you have to know that the rain falls harder just before the rainbow shows up! She may go outgrow this stage, or she may not, but trust that she's learning life experiences as she goes. She'll realize that her appearance is judged, and whether it's right or not - it's the reality. She may just have to reach that conclusion on her own, or she'll have to find jobs that are more embracing of her look.

 

It sounds like you're doing everything you can to be respectful of your differences in taste, while still guiding her through this stage of her life. The only thing left to do is to keep repeating: her style is not a reflection of me. On a very superficial level, it's true LOL. My mom's biggest worry was that people would think she was nuts for letting me leave the house looking Like That :). Truth is, not much has changed on that front LOL, but she sees now how my unconventional nature has aided me in other areas of my life.

[Jean in Newcastle]

When she gets discouraged about the interview process, suggest that she look up tips on dressing/behaving at/responding to questions at interviews. There are newspaper and magazine columns devoted to this, there are books also. Some are geared to young people. I bet it would come off a lot better coming from a book.

[Photo Ninja]

Your dd sounds like a wonderful young lady who is finding out who she is and expressing herself accordingly. It doesn't sound like she is doing anything inappropriate, but just doesn't dress the way you would.

 

In cases like this I think it is important to pick battles carefully, and as long as you dd won't get hurt, let her make choices and deal with any consequences. In the long run, does it really matter if she matches a striped skirt with a floral top, or wears pink fuzzy socks? Allow her to choose her outfits as long as they are modest, even though you may not agree with her choice.

 

She will be very aware that you don't approve of her clothing choices, but I think you can casually ask her if she thinks her dress may influence the interviewer, since that person doesn't know her, and possibly comment casually that many employers prefer traditional dress. You can suggest that she put together an interview outfit that is more traditional and professional just as an experiment to see if she is received any differently on her next interviews. Then don't comment any more unless she brings up the subject, and allow her to make the decision whether or not to follow through. If she keeps not getting the jobs she interviews for then she may decide to give it a try. If she gets a job anyway, then it doesn't matter. She needs to learn the lessons for herself, and it is likely that if you continue to comment, she will try to distinguish herself from you even more.

 

In the end your relationship is much more important than the strange-to-you clothing choices she makes.

[Chris in VA]

Said gently--really, gently--

 

If funky, mismatched clothes were counted among my biggest worries for my child, I'd be rolling over, laughing delightedly.

 

Let it go.

 

You are doing fine--you know yourself pretty well, and that's a really good thing. I hear you saying you are afraid a bit for your dd--that her choices will limit her success.

 

That's ok--it's how we learn. You are uncomfortable, but "uncomfortable" is just a growing pain, so acknowledge it and don't try to make it go away. It's alright to be different--it's alright for her to be different from you, and alright for you to be different from her.

 

Let her make her way.

[Anne in CA]

I do feel for your dd because it is much harder for a teen to get a job these days. Much. She is going to have to prove she is very dependable to get a part time job and her appearance is going to play into that.

 

That said, I would let her learn about acceptable dressing on her own. My oldest is the same way and she still struggles with not getting dates because of her goofy outfits. She doesn't think people should judge her for how she dresses, she is an artist, she says, she should dress like one. She loves working in daycare where she can dress how she wants to. But she doesn't meet men in daycare and doesn't understand why guys from church are scared of her, lol. When she was in high school I did put my foot down on some outfits because I knew teachers would judge her intelligence based partly on her clothing.

 

Mostly :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. Good for you for caring enough to stretch yourself and try to let her be herself.

[LaxMom]

I personally just concentrated on explaining that there is a uniform for every situation: soccer mom, punk rocker, etc and that he needs to dress appropriately for the job he's applying for.

 

Yup. That's it.

 

When you get to a certain level of expertise in your field, you can be as eccentric as you like. Until then, scope out the surroundings and dress to fit in.

[Anne]

When she gets discouraged about the interview process, suggest that she look up tips on dressing/behaving at/responding to questions at interviews. There are newspaper and magazine columns devoted to this, there are books also. Some are geared to young people. I bet it would come off a lot better coming from a book.

 

:iagree::iagree: - This worked very well with my daughters!!

 

 

Anne

[Renee in NC]

My ds learned this lesson on his own at about 17. At 14, he had long hair and piercings (which was fine.) He railed on and on about how people shouldn't judge you by the way you look (sure, but they do anyway.)

 

At 18, the number of piercings has been reduced (and he knows he won't be able to wear them in the professional world.) His hair is cut very short. AND when he got his tattoo recently, he listened to his Mama and got it somewhere that wouldn't show in a polo shirt.;)

 

Now, my 13yo, OTOH, may NEVER learn that you probably shouldn't wear ratty, torn gym shorts all the time.:tongue_smilie:

[mcconnellboys]

If she goes to interviews dressed unusually and she doesn't get called back, then you might make the suggestion that more conservative dress might form a better first impression. Otherwise, unless her volunteer employer is expressing upset with the way she dresses while at work (I'm assuming she's not wearing strange shoes or socks with her uniform), then I wouldn't worry about it.

 

In fact, if flamboyant dress is all you have to worry about with a teen, then I'd say you have no worries. I think her dress style actually sounds young and fresh and fun.... I think it's a pretty harmless form of expression (or rebellion, as the case may be)....

[albeto]

Fwiw, my interpretation of this is that you might be a bit anxious in general. When we're anxious, or depressed, or in any way malcontent, we tend to try and find a source of our discomfort. In reality, the brain works in such a way that certain chemicals are released at certain times which are interpreted as specific emotions. For whatever reason, your brain is alerting you to problems, increasing your adrenaline to be prepared to "choose your battles." I'm suggesting there's not a real battle here and if your child is even a semi-clever person, she'll figure out what styles are effective in particular job interviews. So I wouldn't focus on her, but if I were in your position (and I have been), I would focus on me. Learning how to reduce anxiety makes a world of difference. You will all benefit in a most enjoyable way when you can reduce this anxious response to things that really are not threats. Good luck. :)

[amey311]

Would she be willing to talk to others about "interview clothing choices"? There's a big part of me that agrees with you on the whole idea of dressing appropriately. My more relaxed thought process says that maybe it would be good to find her opportunities where her fashion styles would be more in keeping with the location. I'm so boring in clothing style that I'm DEFINITELY not the one to ask, but maybe some places like Torrid (a clothing store)?

 

If she's assertive enough, you could encourage her to talk to employees about how they dressed for their interviews. Some places allow alternative dress styles, but still expect a slightly more sedate interview attire.

 

Does she read any magazines or teen websites? Some of those might have articles about dressing for interviews. Also, I found this: http://teenadvice.about.com/od/adviceexpert/ht/htinterview.htm

 

It might be good to point out that while, yes, employers should discriminate based on looks, the fact of the matter is that with so many people applying for jobs, if an employer has to choose between someone who looks tidy and "mainstream" versus someone who looks like they dressed blindfolded, the mainstream will almost always win. So, she might have to choose to conform, at least at the interview.

 

She can probably research dress codes and other requirements for many jobs online so that she has some idea of what will be allowed once she does find a position. And, I think it can be reasonable to eliminate some choices (at least initially) if they have a dress code that's too restrictive. I know DH has refrained from applying to positions that require a full suit or shirt and tie in favor of business casual. He would still interview in a suit! But, given the choice, he wouldn't work in a suit all day. KWIM?

[gingersmom]

Said gently--really, gently--

 

If funky, mismatched clothes were counted among my biggest worries for my child, I'd be rolling over, laughing delightedly.

 

Let it go.

 

You are doing fine--you know yourself pretty well, and that's a really good thing. I hear you saying you are afraid a bit for your dd--that her choices will limit her success.

 

That's ok--it's how we learn. You are uncomfortable, but "uncomfortable" is just a growing pain, so acknowledge it and don't try to make it go away. It's alright to be different--it's alright for her to be different from you, and alright for you to be different from her.

 

Let her make her way.

 

:iagree:

 

You sound a lot like my mother. I sound a lot like your daughter. :D

[meggie]

Ohh I should have thought of this before. See if you can get her to watch some What Not To Wear episodes. They emphasize all these things

[OrganicAnn]

When I was young the book "Dress for Success" was popular. I wonder if anyone has updated it (as I'm sure the advice is very old now). 1) outside advice (books, magazines, websites) and 2) natural consequences will make more headway than mom's opinion.

 

Also, I would occasionally try to get outside your comfort zone. Declare a "your daughter's name Day". Wear mismatched socks, plaids and florals, borrow some bangles. Paint one finger nail. If you can go crazy one day, then she can try to dress a little more professionally for one interview day.

[Amy in NH]

When she gets discouraged about the interview process, suggest that she look up tips on dressing/behaving at/responding to questions at interviews. There are newspaper and magazine columns devoted to this, there are books also. Some are geared to young people. I bet it would come off a lot better coming from a book.

 

:iagree:

 

Also If, after an interview, she doesn't get the job, have her call to find out why.

[Josie]

I hear what you are saying...there ARE appropriate choices for interviews. It would drive me nuts to have my child constantly not get jobs because of their attire. Having said that, I would not consider this to be a hill to die on for me. I fear it would cause a chasm in our relationship that would result in *bigger* issues than just dress.

 

Like others have said...she will learn what to wear. You can calmly and at teachable moments point out appropriate attire. You can discuss it when things aren't heated. Just don't harp on it constantly. Teens need to learn in their own way and in their own time.

 

I use phrases like "traditionally *this* is done," or "people have had success doing ....," quickly followed by, "but you have to find what will work for you." They will find it. It will probably be painful for you to watch, but I wouldn't let it come between me and my child.