Should I let my dd (9yo) attend the birth?

[I.Dup.]

My 9yo dd really wants to attend the baby's birth in August (we are planning a home birth). I'm mostly okay with it, but I'm concerned about exactly how it will go. For the most part I am a silent birther and don't make it look too terrible, but you never know how it will go. I do scream a bit during pushing, she STILL brings that up from my last birth (she heard me from downstairs). I worry that she will focus on the negative things as she is that kind of person.

 

The funny thing is, we didn't let her see the birth last time, but we brought her in right afterwards and she ended up seeing the placenta delivery. :ohmy::blink: I think that would be WAY more gross than seeing the baby born, and it didn't seem to scar her too much, lol.

 

If she is in there, I definitely want her to stay up by my head so she's not seeing *every* thing down there, but I'm not sure how possible that would be, depending on the position I birth in...?

 

So WDYT? Would you let your young children witness your births?

[stripe]

I wouldn't but that's me. I don't see it as beneficial to them but would cause me stress.

 

ETA: Why would it be good for her? unless you can answer this, don't do it. If there is a perceived need for her to understand the mechanics of birth, you could always watch a birth video of some other person at some point.

Edited June 21, 2011 by stripe

[Parrothead]

I think that is going to be a very personal choice. How comfortable are you with the idea? If you are going to keep her up near your head, what would be the point of watching?

[Jennifer in MI]

I had a homebirth with my fourth and thought that maybe I'd allow the other three children to watch. When it came down to it, I did NOT want them there. I was with them all day while I labored. They were SO sweet! I loved that. But, once I got "pushy" I didn't want them with me. They were brought up about an hour later and met their sister and it worked well. (And, I'm really glad they weren't there - I hemmoraged and needed meds to stop the bleed.)

 

I guess, I'd stay open to it. But, if you decide you don't want her there - she needs to know that it's not her.

[twoforjoy]

I've wondered this about my DS, who's 7. At this point, my main concern wouldn't be what he'd see at the birth, but him seeing me in pain and feeling scared about that. Plus, I had a lot of bleeding after both of my births so far, so I'd also be a bit worried about that.

 

He's seen births. He was super-interested when I was pregnant with DD, so he watched parts of The Business of Being Born with me, and saw a couple of the water births.

 

But, for him, I do think that he'd feel very out-of-control and scared seeing his mother in pain, and I wouldn't have the presence of mind, I don't think, to be there for him in that moment.

 

I think it totally depends on the kid, though. And, in two more years, I might feel very differently.

 

With DD's birth, DS got in the room just as she was being born; he heard her first cry, but he and his father were behind a curtain. He got to hold her as soon as she was cleaned off, which he loved. He still tells us that the happiest moment of his life was when he heard her cry and got to hold her, so I do think there's something really neat about a child being there in some capacity when a sibling is born, if they are old enough/mature enough for it. For me, though, at this point I don't think DS being there watching while I was actually pushing the baby out would be best for either of us.

[I.Dup.]

Yeah, that's a good point to go with how I'm feeling in the moment. I will have to explain to her beforehand though, because I can see her being really disappointed if she thinks she'll get to be there and then at the last minute we kick her out.

[stripe]

I don't think anyone should be there because you feel guilty to say no. I had to deal with someone who felt she should be present, and I am glad she was not there.

[ChristusG]

Could you and her watch some birthing videos beforehand and judge her reactions from that?

[Starr]

If she watched the placenta being delivered the last time and wants to see the baby this time I wouldn't worry so much. It's exciting to watch the baby crown and eventually come out. :)

[Jennifer in MI]

Yeah, that's a good point to go with how I'm feeling in the moment. I will have to explain to her beforehand though, because I can see her being really disappointed if she thinks she'll get to be there and then at the last minute we kick her out.

 

Good point. Maybe you could labor in one area and plan to birth in another. That's how we did it. I labored on the first floor and outside (we walked around the block a lot! Believe it or not, it was in the high 50s here in January!). Then, when it came time to deliver, I quietly went upstairs and my mom and a friend kept the kids downstairs. That way, I never had to kick anyone out.

 

But, it depends on how you labor. I need to be up and moving.

[BatmansWife]

When our 7 year old was born the other kids were in the room with us. The hospital was very open to it. There are couches in there in kind of an area off to the side. Some nurses were telling me how one lady had all her family in there....I mean, like extended family. I wouldn't go for that. We just had our immediate family...me, dh, 2 kids and soon to be 3. When I was pregnant we had cable and we liked watching A Baby Story each day. So, my kids pretty much knew what to expect. I wish I had been able to be there when my siblings were born.

ETA: I forgot to say that you said she "really wants to". Another thing you could do is have someone available in the waiting room in case dd needs to leave. Someone, grandma or someone, could be there to quickly take her and watch her so dh doesn't have to leave. I think if she "really wants to" then you should try it. If she isn't allowed and misses it...it's not like it's something you can take back, kwim?

Edited June 21, 2011 by ~AprilMay~

[Virg]

If you don't mind, then I don't see the problem with it. When I was young my friends (who were twins) watched they mom deliver their sister and were so glad to be a part of it. We (as a society) are much more squeamish these days. :) If it makes you uncomfortable at all then I wouldn't

[FaithManor]

My concern would be that if something went wrong, even if it is not something too critical, just a little scary in the moment, that she might have some emotional problems processing that.

 

I hemoragged quite badly after my third. I am glad that none of my children were around because it would have been quite traumatizing for them.

 

So, I would not be comfortable. But, my sister-in-law, she would have no problem with it.

 

Faith

[happypamama]

I may be in the minority here, but I would not have a problem with a 9yo at a birth. In fact, my own 9yo is not only hoping to be at our baby's birth in a few weeks, but she wants to help catch the baby. (I don't think I'm going to go for that.) DD watched her brothers' births at 3 and 6 1/2, and DS1 was at DS2's birth when he was 3; they've never seemed freaked out or worried, and it's been just fine. We've watched birth videos and talked about me making noise (I don't tend to say anything nasty or rude, though; I just make noise), the blood being good blood, etc. As long as DH, the midwife, and I are acting like everything's normal, the kids have seemed to take their cues from us, so they've not been worried. They've really been thrilled to see their new sibling enter the world too, and it's not detracted from the intimacy of the moment between DH and me either.

 

I am generally an extremely private person, but somehow the kids being at the birth (and DH watching from "down there," rather than from my head) hasn't bothered me. But ymmv, and if you'd prefer the privacy, there's nothing wrong with that either.

[plain jane]

I would let her, if that's what she wants. :)

 

I would have loved to have had my kids present for my last birth but the hospital doesn't allow sibs in the L&D rooms. :( Of course, this is all said in hind-sight, knowing that everything went well (and as planned) with the birth. Not knowing how it's going to go can be a bit scary and I would be hesitant because of the chance that something *could* go wrong. I don't plan to ever have a home birth (I think they're great, just not for me :)) so I guess this will never be an issue for me. If you've had non-complicated births in the past and have no reason to expect any complications then I think it would be fine. Besides, you'll be home & not in a hospital so it's easier to send her out of the room if need be. :)

 

Wishing you a beautiful birth experience and a healthy baby. :grouphug:

Edited June 21, 2011 by plain jane

[rootsnwings]

What does she want to do? I think if she saw the delivery of the placenta last time, and heard your screams during the birth and still wants to attend, then she should be able to. If left completely up to her you don't have to worry about it scaring her, or scarring her in any way.

 

During Caleb's homebirth, Braden (6.5 at the time) was in another room watching Cars on DVD but he heard me screaming (my head off! :o) and wanted NO part of it. The minute he heard the baby cry he came RUNNING to see him and later, in private, he told me he was scared for me when he heard me screaming. He has never had any issues processing anything though and was disappointed to find out we weren't having a homebirth with Julie ~ he wanted to be there!!! :)

[kchara]

It really depends on your comfort level, and I would express to her a Plan B (if you suddenly start tensing up and being uncomfortable because of her presence), but I think 9 is a perfectly acceptable age to have there. In fact, when my oldest two were 4 and 5, they were witness to their brother's birth. They were up by my head, but they did see the aftermath as they were going to see the baby getting weighed and such (it was a hospital birth... in stirrups). Now, I had had an epi, and I wouldn't have had them in there so young without one, but they still did really well. I tried to leave it open to my 9 yo to be at our latest baby's birth, but there ended up being complications (bad positioning and partial abruption, then we ended up using a vacuum) that made it not a wise idea. They were in the waiting area, though.

 

If you're comfortable and she's comfortable, go for it!! If either of you is uncomfortable, don't. It'll make the birthing environment stressful, and that's not what you need in labor.

[joannqn]

Most definitely let her be part of the birth. Have someone there just for her...to keep her entertained and take her out if she needs to.

 

My oldest was at DS9's home birth. She was only two and fell asleep before he was born. She woke up and held him when he was 7 hours old.

 

Both of my kids were at DS4's hospital birth (induction, epidural so quiet) DD stood back a bit, but DS was right at the edge of the bed watching the whole thing. DS thought it was cool. DD broke out in tears seconds after the birth, causing everyone on the room to focus on her, worried. Upon being asked what was wrong, she told us between sobs, "I'm sob just sob so sob happy sob!"

 

All three kids were at DD1's birth. This was also an unplanned hospital induction. I didn't have an epidural this time so I was more vocal. DS4 was asleep and missed it all. DS9 said he felt a little sick. DD11 was a little upset about my vocalizing. While it unsettled them a bit more because I was more loud, they were glad to be a part of it. DS was thrilled because he got to cut the cord.

 

They loved being a part of it, and I think it helps them bond and accept the new baby better.

[NicAnn]

I'm a doula and see children at births all the time. My advice would be to allow her to view some birth videos (Youtube and other places online). There are some really beautiful videos out there and you can take this time to explain to her what will happen.

Also, have a friend on call in case she decides it's too much for her.

 

Good luck and have a happy, healthy birth!

[Ginevra]

My concern would be that if something went wrong, even if it is not something too critical, just a little scary in the moment, that she might have some emotional problems processing that.

 

I hemoragged quite badly after my third. I am glad that none of my children were around because it would have been quite traumatizing for them.

 

So, I would not be comfortable. But, my sister-in-law, she would have no problem with it.

 

Faith

 

:iagree: My answer is an unequivocal no, but I have had the worst happen in labor. My daughter died in labor. Didn't see that coming. That entire scene is almost the worst possible thing I could imagine a child witnessing.

[UnsinkableKristen]

I would be fine with her being around for the laboring, but not for the "main event" as it were. If there were to be complications, the focus would need to be on you and the baby, not getting DD out without scaring her.

 

That said, you know your body and your births and your daughter best - I'm sure you'll make the best choice for you all!

[Heather in OK]

My 9yo dd really wants to attend the baby's birth in August (we are planning a home birth). I'm mostly okay with it, but I'm concerned about exactly how it will go. For the most part I am a silent birther and don't make it look too terrible, but you never know how it will go. I do scream a bit during pushing, she STILL brings that up from my last birth (she heard me from downstairs). I worry that she will focus on the negative things as she is that kind of person.

 

The funny thing is, we didn't let her see the birth last time, but we brought her in right afterwards and she ended up seeing the placenta delivery. :ohmy::blink: I think that would be WAY more gross than seeing the baby born, and it didn't seem to scar her too much, lol.

 

If she is in there, I definitely want her to stay up by my head so she's not seeing *every* thing down there, but I'm not sure how possible that would be, depending on the position I birth in...?

 

So WDYT? Would you let your young children witness your births?

 

I would venture to guess that the reason the pushing noises stand out to her is because she wasn't there. She was outside of the birth, listening to noises that she didn't understand, wondering if Mama was ok, etc.

 

Talk to her about that. Show her other births. Explain that pushing is hard work and sometimes making noise helps a woman get the job done. Talk to her about what kind of noises are helpful (high-pitched screaming is useless, open jaw/moaning/grunting type noises are efficient).

 

Our daughters will never know what normal birth is unless we start teaching them and letting them witness normal birth. So yes, I fully support having children at births.

 

Ditto the others who have mentioned having someone there for her. It will give her someone to hang out with in case she chooses not to be in the room or in the event of an emergency.

 

I have btdt and our children (who were younger than your dd at the time) were welcome to be in the room. For my 3rd birth my 2nd dd was 2yo. My pushing grunts scared her a bit so my oldest (then 4yo) took her to the living room. Of course my 2nd dd was too young to remember any of that. The 4th time it happened so quickly in the middle of the night that it was just me and dh so we were a bit preoccupied to go wake them up for the delivery. ;)

 

But ALL that said, if YOU are not comfortable with her being there, she needs to wait outside (but still discuss the above topics with her so she isn't out there questioning and wondering what's going on). The most important thing is that you feel comfortable with everyone in the room while you are laboring and birthing.

[roxanne23]

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Edited January 4, 2023 by roxanne23

[I.Dup.]

Thank you all!

 

:iagree: My answer is an unequivocal no, but I have had the worst happen in labor. My daughter died in labor. Didn't see that coming. That entire scene is almost the worst possible thing I could imagine a child witnessing.

 

I'm so sorry. :crying:

[Aelwydd]

If you feel comfortable with her being there, and if you have someone especially "assigned" to be with your daughter, I don't see any problem with it.

 

My ds is 8, and if I were inclined to have another, I'd let him attend the birth if he expressed the desire to do so. Birth is a natural, physiological process.

[NanceXToo]

I wouldn't but that's because of my personal comfort level and nothing to do with the age of the child- if I was inclined to want a child present- which I'm not, personally- then I'd prob be willing to let an interested 9 year old attend with some conversational preparation as to what she might expect combined with some videos of other births etc.

[Annie Laurie]

My oldest was at the hospital birth of his brother when he was 6 1/2. He likes science and just thought it was interesting and he felt very involved from the beginning.

 

My 3 middles were at the homebirth of my 7 month old. I left it up to them and we did watch a birth video I borrowed from my midwife, discussed potentially scary things like noises and blood, and they felt well prepared and were very proud to be there. One of my favorite memories from the birth was hearing them say "Awww" when baby popped out, they were in love with him from the beginning.

 

Birth is a normal event and I was glad for my dd to see that especially.

[stripe]

.Birth is a natural, physiological process.

I agree with this, but that doesn't make it necessarily appropriate for a child to watch her mother give birth. Death and conception are natural too, and that doesn't mean one feels comfortable with a 9 year old as witness. I think young women should have a positive view of menstruation and hygiene, but that doesn't imply they must watch other women wash themselves or insert a tampon to understand. Sometimes one wants privacy, but I'm unclear on how the OP feels. Or maybe she's unsure?

 

I guess the important things as I see it are that the mother doesn't feel imposed upon by her daughter's request and the daughter not feel pressured to attend OR this be the only opportunity for satisfying idle curiosity about the birth process.

[Veritaserum]

Yes, I would let her. My last four were born at home. Older siblings were present. :) I prepared them by discussing the sights and sounds they might hear. We also watched birth videos.

[Barb_]

I would if you are asking, the answer is probably no. You should both feel very strongly that you want her there. You could tell her no now and then have someone get her if you change your mind at the moment. I've had 4 homebirths and I feel very strongly about laboring and birthing as alone as possible. Some don't, and I get that, but your comfort with the situation must come before your daughter's curiosity.

 

Barb

[I.Dup.]

I would if you are asking, the answer is probably no. You should both feel very strongly that you want her there. You could tell her no now and then have someone get her if you change your mind at the moment. I've had 4 homebirths and I feel very strongly about laboring and birthing as alone as possible. Some don't, and I get that, but your comfort with the situation must come before your daughter's curiosity.

 

Barb

 

Thank you, this is a good point and I think you may be right. I want to give her a great, wonderful experience that she is hoping for, but I'm still feeling a bit wary about it. I will just wait and see.

[eternalknot]

My eldest was present for the birth of his sibling; he was five. He's a curious kid, not very squeamish, and we thought he'd do fine; he did.

 

I was present for the births of my younger siblings, and also some cousins. In our family births are family events and anyone who wants to is invited to share in the experience. I do have one squeamish sister who never wanted to witness the births of anyone younger than her; she's given me three nephews and is pregnant with number four - hearing our mom give birth so many times didn't have any long-bearing affects on her own desire to have kids, apparently!

 

I'd let a 9 year old choose whether or not to be present, and let her know it'd be fine to change her mind at any time during the process, too :)

[LadyJ]

I had my older children at the births of following siblings. My daughter I especially wanted to see birth. I want her to be comfortable with birth and understand exactly what it is. She saw all 3 of her brothers born and still talks about it as a wonderful memory. She is a total worrier too. I do always make sure Grandma is there just in case anything happened so she could explain or gently take them out.

 

My sons handled it perfectly too. I have noticed that they self monitor and will turn away if anything gets "yucky" or "overwhelming to them.

I did discuss how birth is hard work and they would need to be calm and quiet.

 

Today I am so happy I allowed them to experience it and kinda feel sad that my youngest won't have that same opportunity. They all discuss birth as an every day part of life.

[TracieT]

I watched my last nephew be born. My sister did great (natural water birth), but there's no way I could let my kids see me do that. I know I'd never want to see my mom in that kind of pain...I wouldn't be able to handle it. I don't know for sure my kids would be the same, but I wouldn't want to find out. There's just something about seeing your parent in pain/scared/sad that is incredibly hard for a kid...even when we're grown up.

[Sandy in Indy]

My kids were ds9 and dd12 when the youngest was born (at home). They didn't come around much during the labor part of things, but they did come into the room in time for the birth. They stayed near my head, but saw, and heard, enough to know what was happening. I allowed them to make the choice but I really wanted them there. It was a wonderful family time. (And they learned that having a baby was not grins and roses!)