musicianmom Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 "Mommy, why don't we get invited to anyone's house?" I just told her "I don't know." The real reason is more complicated. It's because I have social difficulties, and have always been an outsider wherever I was. Homeschooling is very popular here, so my kids have lots of opportunities for meeting kids. But I don't know how to be buddy-buddy with the moms, so the play dates don't happen. I was hoping I could break this generational cycle, but I'm not doing a good enough job, and my precocious little social butterfly has already noticed.:sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
learningmama Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 :grouphug: I'm not a social butterfly, but my dd is. We just moved last year so we are still in the new phase where we are at. Where we use to live we didn't go to people's houses much, just a few friends from church once in awhile. We have had playdates at parks in both places we've lived. Moms set them up through email and we meet. If it works out, it works out, if not, no trouble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Aw. Maybe you can take a chance on inviting someone over to your house for a coffee/playdate kind of thing. See if you hit it off enough chatting one on one that you can at least socialize now and then in that way. Or if she hits it off with a kid, just say to the mom, "They seem to have really hit it off... would you be up for planning a separate playdate for them?" or something like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillary in KS Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Why don't you invite people to your house instead? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 (edited) We rarely have people over but part of that is a small house and my difficulty with keeping house! :glare: My kids have lots of opportunities to meet other. Over the years we have been involved in Girl Scouts, community plays, our homeschool group and church. There are lots of ways to be friends with others without having to have everyone over at your house! :001_smile: Editing to add I only have a few very close friends . . . I am not a social butterfly at all. And I have found that to be okay! Edited June 9, 2011 by jelbe5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
musicianmom Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Aw. Maybe you can take a chance on inviting someone over to your house for a coffee/playdate kind of thing. See if you hit it off enough chatting one on one that you can at least socialize now and then in that way. Or if she hits it off with a kid, just say to the mom, "They seem to have really hit it off... would you be up for planning a separate playdate for them?" or something like that. Yeah, my common sense agrees. My gut ties itself in knots at the thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 "Mommy, why don't we get invited to anyone's house?" I just told her "I don't know." The real reason is more complicated. It's because I have social difficulties, and have always been an outsider wherever I was. Homeschooling is very popular here, so my kids have lots of opportunities for meeting kids. But I don't know how to be buddy-buddy with the moms, so the play dates don't happen. I was hoping I could break this generational cycle, but I'm not doing a good enough job, and my precocious little social butterfly has already noticed.:sad: There's no cycle to break, it's just how you are. I'm the same way. I have a few friends but only one that I met through homeschooling. I lack the buddy-buddy gene as well. :) It's okay. Some of us were meant to be that way. We just have to figure out how to stop being sad and regretful about it and move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Yeah, my common sense agrees. My gut ties itself in knots at the thought. I understand, but maybe it would be easier if you put the emphasis on how well the kids are getting along and how your daughter would like to get together sometime for a playdate (as opposed to it being about you inviting another woman to socialize)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 "Mommy, why don't we get invited to anyone's house?" I just told her "I don't know." The real reason is more complicated. It's because I have social difficulties, and have always been an outsider wherever I was. Homeschooling is very popular here, so my kids have lots of opportunities for meeting kids. But I don't know how to be buddy-buddy with the moms, so the play dates don't happen. I was hoping I could break this generational cycle, but I'm not doing a good enough job, and my precocious little social butterfly has already noticed.:sad: Have you sought professional help for this to benefit you and your family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calandalsmom Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I think there are medications that can help with social anxiety disorders. I think you need to really examine this and make an effort for your children. You can do it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 You may have to just suck it up and take the plunge. Start out small by inviting someone to meet you at a park. Don't take it personally if they can't make it or don't show up. Try again. When you're comfortable with that, invite someone over to your house for a playdate. Just keep doing it. Baby steps. And it will get easier with time. I used to be painfully shy - a complete wall flower. I'm not exactly a social butterfly now, but I've forced myself to make an effort to talk to people even when I don't feel like I have a lot to say. We don't get invited to other people's houses a lot either, but I try not to take it personally. It's hard for people to have guests, especially a big family, and since people do accept invitations to our house, I figure that we're not being invited there because their house is too small or something like that. Anyway, for the sake of your kids, I think you should try to get past this. Treat it like any other fear that you have to overcome and just take small steps to get over it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I understand and hear you, sista. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sevilla Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 If you are dealing with social anxiety disorder, then I would recommend seeking professional help and counseling for it. There is treatment and your life doesn't have to be on hold due to this. If you have difficulty with social skills in the area of forming casual friendships (such as the type of relationship that develops between parents whose children are friends) then there is also help for that. There is counseling and also self-help books describing the steps for typical social interactions in our culture that you can use as a script to help you get over the hump. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I have similar issues. I've heard "How to Make Friends and Influence People" is actually really helpful for it, but I haven't grabbed a copy yet. I have two playgroups and one I found online (yay for the interwebz!), an AP group where I lurked virtually for a while before I felt comfortable visiting, but the other is a local mom who has kids our age, goes to our church, and it turns out our girls were in the same play preschool, and my kids asked to go play with them several times before I finally got up the guts to tell the mom at preschool dropoff that my kids have been asking to play with her kids and would that work for her? Turns out we have many similar interests and now we have weekly playgroups. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Yeah, my common sense agrees. My gut ties itself in knots at the thought. Well, you need to get over it. For your dd's sake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Yeah, my common sense agrees. My gut ties itself in knots at the thought. You can work around this by sending emails, if your hs group has an email loop or directory to get the addresses from. If you haven't talked to the other moms that much, maybe suggest meeting up at the zoo or Chuck E Cheese first. It will be a smaller group than "everyone" and I was always more likely to say yes to that, than to going to someone's house that I didn't know well. Honestly, it's not all that odd that y'all haven't been invited to someone's house. It doesn't mean people don't like your or your kids; it might just mean they dont' know you all that well, or they only have older kids and don't want to invite your littles, or a dozen other things. Sometimes it just takes forever and a day to connect with the right mix of kids/families. I wouldn't feel overly bad about your dd noticing. It was likely just triggered by a random comment she heard.If she brings it up again, I'd probably say something like, "Probably b/c we are still getting to know people, and we haven't really invited anyone over here." But if she has plenty of chances to meet and play with other kids, it really doesn't matter at 6 if it's at the park or someone's house. I would try to start addressing it one way or the other. Everything changes as they get older - they are less likely to hang out at park days, and more likely to get together in small groups. You'll have to be able to talk to the other moms so you can make smart decisions about what your kids are allowed to do. If you start now, you have time to take baby steps bit by bit. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyWifeandMommy Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 suggest gatherings at parks and local outings. this way the children are involved with each other and you dont have to be too involved with the adults. i have done my share of inviting but only get the kids over. parents are more than happy to drop and run for a hour or more. i rarely get invited over to their homes. our rule is that we have to meet the parents and by that we invite them over. if they dont then my children are not allowed to hang out with thier child unless it's at a playground or other community event. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 :grouphug: I know how hard this is. Homeschooling is pretty common in my small town, but the cliques are like iron. :glare: Luckily, my girls are happy with the socialization opportunities they get. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Are you involved in any homeschooling groups? That's how I finally met people and developed friendships. Of course, it took me five years of being in a particular group before I really got to know anybody because I'm so shy. But now that I've loosened up, it's great. I guess my point is if you can get involved in something that forces you to be there, you'll likely relax enough over time to develop some relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest momk2000 Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 "Mommy, why don't we get invited to anyone's house?" I just told her "I don't know." The real reason is more complicated. It's because I have social difficulties, and have always been an outsider wherever I was. Homeschooling is very popular here, so my kids have lots of opportunities for meeting kids. But I don't know how to be buddy-buddy with the moms, so the play dates don't happen. I was hoping I could break this generational cycle, but I'm not doing a good enough job, and my precocious little social butterfly has already noticed.:sad: I'm very much the same way. My oldest is very outgoing, and makes friends very quickly. I am shy, and was never a social person. I literally have no friends, but I find joy in my family. I have often wondered if my kids will see me as an oddball because I don't socialize. Growing up, I always had 1 or 2 friends, but since I got married/had kids, my family is enough. I guess I would like to have a friend or 2, but unless someone approaches me, I really don't mix. As a teen, I was often accused of being a snob, it upset me, because nothing could be further from the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lakotajm Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 I'm very much the same way. My oldest is very outgoing, and makes friends very quickly. I am shy, and was never a social person. I literally have no friends, but I find joy in my family. I have often wondered if my kids will see me as an oddball because I don't socialize. Growing up, I always had 1 or 2 friends, but since I got married/had kids, my family is enough. I guess I would like to have a friend or 2, but unless someone approaches me, I really don't mix. As a teen, I was often accused of being a snob, it upset me, because nothing could be further from the truth. Well I am exactly the same way, too. And it doesn't bother me or my kids(much). Just not a socializer. I go to the homeschool group, and I might chance to chat. But there is only one whose kid has come for a play date (once) and who I have enough in common with to do so. Most of the time I just sit there quietly with my nose in a book. But it's kosher. If the kids suggest something I mull it over and approach in baby steps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristineW Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Park playdates are awesome. DS5 is in a very small preschool. If the weather is nice, I just send an email inviting the class to join us after on the playground. Whoever wants to come does, and i converse as much as I feel comfortable. My 24 month old is a terror so its been a little more difficult--but at least my kids get to run around with a friend or two. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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