I am a self denigrator

[Jean in Newcastle]

I just got yelled at by Roughcollie for calling myself a lazy pig. (Actually in my defense I said that "I feel like I'm being a lazy pig"). I do this a lot when I'm frustrated with how much I can get done, with my lack of weight loss, with my various foibles. From RC's strong response, I gather that this is not healthy. So how do I think about this? (Since I figure my behavior starts with my thinking.)

[texasmama]

Do you really feel badly about yourself when you are saying these things? Or are you just having fun and showing an ability to laugh at yourself?

 

I do a lot of poking fun at myself, but I am a confident person and don't feel badly about myself when doing it. It's just part of my sense of humor. I think it all depends on your feelings/motivation behind the words.

[cathmom]

nm

Edited May 19, 2011 by cathmom

[Crissy]

I wonder.

My sisters often chide me for calling myself an idiot. So do my kids, actually.

It's part of my regular vocabulary. I'm stupid. I'm an idiot. I'm dumb...

 

I suppose I need to change the internal message, but I'm not sure how to do that.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Do you really feel badly about yourself when you are saying these things? Or are you just having fun and showing an ability to laugh at yourself?

 

I do a lot of poking fun at myself, but I am a confident person and don't feel badly about myself when doing it. It's just part of my sense of humor. I think it all depends on your feelings/motivation behind the words.

 

Good question. Actually, I do feel a bit badly about myself but I try to disguise it by making it sound funny. Part of me understands that I'm frustrated at the situation but part of me is actually frustrated at myself and blames myself "somehow".

[Barb_]

My husband does that. Or used to. I don't think he does it so much anymore but it took about two years of monthly therapy to get there. In his case, he was replaying his parents words...stupid, lazy, etc. I had a similar situation with my dad when I was growing up, but instead of internalizing his insults I just got p*ssed and determined to prove him wrong. I'm an oldest and he's a youngest, so that may be why we reacted differently.

 

Yes, as a matter of fact I DID take a psychology course in college. Why do you ask?

[Barb_]

I wonder.

My sisters often chide me for calling myself an idiot. So do my kids, actually.

It's part of my regular vocabulary. I'm stupid. I'm an idiot. I'm dumb...

 

I suppose I need to change the internal message, but I'm not sure how to do that.

 

Make a deal with yourself that you will not talk to yourself in a manner you would never use with your children. Learn to pat yourself on the back when you do something particularly witty or clever. Laugh and say it outloud, "Hey, sometimes I'm shocked how incredibly brilliant I am!" The best way to break a bad habit is to replace it with an opposite, or at least better, behavior.

 

Barb

[Jean in Newcastle]

Make a deal with yourself that you will not talk to yourself in a manner you would never use with your children. Learn to pat yourself on the back when you do something particularly witty or clever. Laugh and say it outloud, "Hey, sometimes I'm shocked how incredibly brilliant I am!" The best way to break a bad habit is to replace it with an opposite, or at least better, behavior.

 

Barb

 

RC makes me say 5 nice things about myself (or was it 3?) She let me off easy this time and didn't make me do this so I can't remember!

[Barb_]

RC makes me say 5 nice things about myself (or was it 3?) She let me off easy this time and didn't make me do this so I can't remember!

 

:grouphug: RoughCollie :grouphug: She's a good friend.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The thing is, sometimes I leave the freezer door open because I was careless and not thinking. Or I eat too many cookies because I'm not exercising good self control. So I don't think it's necessarily healthy to just say how wonderful I am.

[texasmama]

I have learned that most people don't give themselves the "breaks" that they would give to a treasured friend...or an acquaintance...or even a stranger. Being kind to yourself is a good thing to pass on to your kids. I often say to people in a tough spot, "Be gentle with yourself."

[texasmama]

The thing is, sometimes I leave the freezer door open because I was careless and not thinking. Or I eat too many cookies because I'm not exercising good self control. So I don't think it's necessarily healthy to just say how wonderful I am.

 

I get this. But does it change your behavior to call yourself names? Probably not. I'll bet it just makes you feel badly. Everyone eats too many cookies and leaves the freezer door open sometimes.:001_smile:

[Barb_]

The thing is, sometimes I leave the freezer door open because I was careless and not thinking. Or I eat too many cookies because I'm not exercising good self control. So I don't think it's necessarily healthy to just say how wonderful I am.

 

No, you just extend yourself grace and move on. The freezer thing, I would sigh and see what is salvageable. The cookie thing, well I would enjoy them and tell myself I got it out of my system and come up with a plan not to do it the next time. You only talk about how wonderful you are when you've done something remarkable. I think it's a matter of which events we choose to focus on because we all do stupid things and remarkable things every day.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I get this. But does it change your behavior to call yourself names? Probably not. I'll bet it just makes you feel badly. Everyone eats too many cookies and leaves the freezer door open sometimes.:001_smile:

 

So. . . what is your self talk when you eat too many cookies and leave the freezer door open?

[Barb_]

So. . . what is your self talk when you eat too many cookies and leave the freezer door open?

 

Jean, what are your thoughts when your 9yo eats too many cookies or your husband leaves the freezer door open? Do you feel the same way about them?

[texasmama]

So. . . what is your self talk when you eat too many cookies and leave the freezer door open?

 

Well, I am OCD about not leaving the freezer door open.:tongue_smilie: I often eat too many cookies. ;) I don't weigh myself right after eating too many cookies, and then I get up the next morning and start over in my quest not to eat too many cookies. In other words, I don't set myself up to feel badly about something that is done and over with. Cookies are eaten. Must move on. That is kind of how it works in my head. Every day really is a fresh start for me in many ways.:001_smile:

 

Long story short (too late for that...) I try not to catastrophize or to make negative decisions about my character regarding these things. I started out life as a perfectionist so this has been a challenge.

 

I do try to laugh about as many things as I can. Not AT myself but WITh myself. Life is pretty silly at times.

 

I don't know if that helped or if it was even on topic. (I tend to go off topic easily...but that's okay, too.:D)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jean, what are your thoughts when your 9yo eats too many cookies or your husband leaves the freezer door open? Do you feel the same way about them?

 

:blushing: Honestly? Yes. I don't tell them that but I think "What a doofus". But I don't think of them as being a perpetual doofus because of it but in that moment, yes.

[WTMCassandra]

I wonder.

My sisters often chide me for calling myself an idiot. So do my kids, actually.

It's part of my regular vocabulary. I'm stupid. I'm an idiot. I'm dumb...

 

I suppose I need to change the internal message, but I'm not sure how to do that.

 

Wow, sobering. If Crissy is an idiot, then I'm what? . . . maybe the dirty gum on the bottom of her shoe?! I cannot imagine thinking of Crissy as an idiot in any universe.

 

So, I should be kind to myself too. We all need to be kind to ourselves. I was always "the stupid kid," and I still talk to myself that way. I need to get serious about developing new habits.

[Barb_]

:blushing: Honestly? Yes. I don't tell them that but I think "What a doofus". But I don't think of them as being a perpetual doofus because of it but in that moment, yes.

 

LOL, but doofus is a lot sweeter word than say, Lazy Pig. I do admit to calling myself a doofus sometimes myself. I think I'm naturally a problem solver...it's how I deal with things. When I do something dumb I look for the reason (Do I need someone to take the little guys to the park while I make dinner so I'm not so distracted? Do I need to take Ginko Biloba? Am I getting enough sleep?). I'm big on systems. Doing something dumb usually is a result of a breakdown in the system somewhere. Then there are times you have to fully embrace your lack of perfection. Sometimes those cookies are worth the endorphins. Life is short and the world can be brutal. No need to heap it on yourself, y'know?

[Sara in AZ]

Sounds like you could use this book!

 

http://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself/dp/0671708821

 

(What to Say When You Talk to Yourself)

 

A friend told me about it years ago when I was preparing for my senior recital in college and battling serious performance anxiety.

 

I think I need to look it up again, though, for the same reasons you are citing...

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sounds like you could use this book!

 

http://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself/dp/0671708821

 

(What to Say When You Talk to Yourself)

 

A friend told me about it years ago when I was preparing for my senior recital in college and battling serious performance anxiety.

 

I think I need to look it up again, though, for the same reasons you are citing...

 

Interesting! (In a side note, I gave up my voice major because of extreme performance anxiety).

[Peela]

I see so many people who give themselves a hard time. I think it is usually an internalisation of how they were treated, or spoken to, by significant adults, during their childhood.

 

I used to be like that too- it has taken years of changing the pattern. When I notice it, I change it. I put effort into treating myself with the kindness I try to treat others. I don't know why we treat others so much better than ourselves- I work hard at treating myself with the same consideration, forgiveness and respect that I generally treat others. I deserve it as much as anyone else- and so do you.

[Rosie_0801]

Shall I throw in some of the Rosie pragmatism that gets me into trouble in real life, whenever I am silly enough to speak to my relatives?

 

 

I like being able to say negative things about myself. I grew up in a household where children were not allowed to express negative emotions, and now I'm grown, I enjoy living without that kind of censorship. I don't want someone to talk me out of any self denigrating I feel like doing. When I've finished kicking myself, I'll say "oh, a pox on it!" Then I'll carry on.

 

Self denigrating about self denigrating is really perpetuating the cycle :tongue_smilie: I think it is ok to say what you want to say, wallow as long as you need to wallow, then it is out of your system and you can carry on.

 

Summary: No, I don't think you are broken. By all means tinker a bit; everyone could use some improving. But you are not broken.

 

 

To those who over indulge in first person singular pronouns:

There are nicer ways to phrase things. You could practice saying "What a dumb thing to do!" instead of "I'm dumb." You are still acknowledging your own frustration, but it doesn't sound so personal or like some sort of irreversible condition!

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[MelanieM]

Well, I hardly ever (never?) call myself names, but that doesn't mean I don't shake my head at my silliness on occasion. I just don't let it be the cause of me thinking worse of myself as a person. So I agree with Rosie that there are better/more appropriate ways to express a little 'huh' over our actions. There's nothing wrong with saying "hey, that wasn't such a great choice. Hopefully I'll do better with that next time." But then the key is letting it go. I don't need to give myself a talking to 106 times over eating too many cookies. I heard it the first time around.

 

When I do have chronic negative thoughts (about myself, other people, situations) I work to consciously turn the thinking around. Sometimes a key phrase works. So for example, I would think of something I like about myself and any time my thoughts went to something unwanted I would repeat that positive affirmation. Then "that was such a stupid thing to say!" becomes "I am a loyal friend who is always happy to help in any way I can." Basically, I'm switching out criticism for appreciation.

 

Along these lines, one of the best techniques I've ever seen for happier internal dialog, and a happier life, is creating a book of positive aspects (BOPA - from Abraham-Hicks). Basically, you write the name of a person or situation at the top of a sheet of paper and list all the things that you appreciate about the subject. It doesn't have to be a big thing, but rather anything at all that you can find to appreciate. I've even had situations where my list started with things like "he has nice hair" or "I liked that shirt he was wearing" or "he was really funny on our first date". Small things, long ago things, intangible things... the point is appreciation in any measure. I do this BOPA process for myself, my kids, anything that is bothering me or falling a little flat in my life... it never fails to switch my perspective to a better place.

 

It takes a surprisingly short time to shift negative thought patterns with small tweaks to our thinking. I have seen this with myself over and over again, and with friends, family and clients.

 

You're a lovely person, Jean. Be kind to yourself. :grouphug:

[RoughCollie]

The thing is, sometimes I leave the freezer door open because I was careless and not thinking. Or I eat too many cookies because I'm not exercising good self control. So I don't think it's necessarily healthy to just say how wonderful I am.

 

Everyone does stuff like that, Slick. I left a package of ground beef on the counter overnight. Thank heavens it was only one pound. I threw it away. I told myself how stupid and wasteful I was ... then I stopped and forgave myself for making a mistake. The ground beef cost around $3, but I guarantee that if I continued on the path of calling myself stupid and wasteful, that would have done more than $3 of damage to me.

 

Also, if I am stupid and wasteful for making a $3 mistake, how much more am I communicating to others that they are stupid for making a mistake? This isn't something outrageous like driving drunk and killing someone, after all. But little denigrations, whether done to oneself or to others, add up to soul killing over time.

 

I am not asking you to be perfect or to pretend you are. I merely want to point out that it is disheartening to You when you tell yourself things like you are a lazy pig. If anything, IMO, you need to encourage yourself, not discourage yourself. You have a hard enough row to hoe without being your own worst enemy. Be your own best cheerleader instead!

 

Some circumstances in life are just hard to get through. There is no use pretending, when these circumstances pop up, that one is similarly situated to those are not embroiled in difficulty.

 

You know that I have not met my responsibilities well over the last 3.5 months. If I compare myself to others who are not similarly situated, or if I think about what onlookers might be thinking about me, I would be in constant despair.

 

I always think that I should be handling my situation better than I am. I always think I should strive for perfection. Sometimes, I have to cut myself some slack. There is only One me. I have limitations that frustrate me because they keep me from being perfect. I have faults that I trip over all the time. If I concentrate on all that, even less will get done because I will have thoroughly discouraged myself.

 

I am pretty sure that when I get mired in self denigration, that is not pleasing to God. It is one thing to ask Him for help, to ask for His forgiveness, and quite another to be unsatisfied with His help or to cast aside His forgiveness, mercy and grace in favor of working against Him by engaging in what is essentially self-flagellation for no good purpose.

 

I am an expert in searching out my faults and mistakes and feeling badly about them. I know of what I speak.

 

When you say you feel like a lazy pig, it just breaks my heart. If there is anyone I know who is not lazy, who is a good-hearted person, who is a better Christian than I will ever be, it is you. I understand that you get discouraged and frustrated, but call it as it is -- instead of calling yourself names that you will never, ever, fit. Realize that your circumstances, which you are always trying hard to change, cause these feelings. You did not cause the circumstances and you certainly accomplish a lot more on any given day than I could, given I had the same circumstances.

 

You remind me of that battery rabbit. No matter what happens, you are in there, keeping going. You amaze me all the time! I feel honored to have you as my friend.

Edited May 19, 2011 by RoughCollie

[elegantlion]

I think the rule should be if you chronically speak negative about yourself, you have a friend like RC to remind you how cool you really are. :grouphug:

 

I tend to fall into negative self-speak, it's a habit. It can take days to remind myself I'm not a____________(whatever term I'm using this week).

 

There are some days I couldn't make a list of three good things about myself. Unfortunately it can also affect those better days, I'm always on guard for myself to do something stupid that will pull me back down. Life is a roller coaster and I have motion sickness. You just have to find your own personal dramamine, people like RC being one.

[Impish]

Good question. Actually, I do feel a bit badly about myself but I try to disguise it by making it sound funny. Part of me understands that I'm frustrated at the situation but part of me is actually frustrated at myself and blames myself "somehow".

I could have written this. :grouphug:

[JudoMom]

Several years ago I made the decision to be nicer to me. So now I argue with myself.

 

If I left the freezer door open, internally I would say "JudoMom, you are a stupid idiot! No, I'm not."

 

When I eat too many cookies, internally I say "JudoMom, you are a stupid, fat pig. No, I'm not."

 

So, the negative self talk hasn't stopped, but at least now I stick up for myself, too :lol:.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Several years ago I made the decision to be nicer to me. So now I argue with myself.

 

If I left the freezer door open, internally I would say "JudoMom, you are a stupid idiot! No, I'm not."

When I eat too many cookies, internally I say "JudoMom, you are a stupid, fat pig. No, I'm not."

So, the negative self talk hasn't stopped, but at least now I stick up for myself, too :lol:.

 

lol, bless your heart.

 

Jean :grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am struggling greatly with depression right now from my thyroid disease. (I can't believe I am sharing this) Things I KNOW to be not real and true still FEEL real and true. Like, I am fat, ugly, a horrible parent, a failure. Like my kids hate me and I never do anything right. It FEELS so real right now but I know it is biochemical so I fight it. Until I get tired and then I don't and things just go downhill. You know what is real and true and you have to hang on to that when you feel otherwise. I know it is hard, some days impossible, but good to remember.

 

For the record, you are someone I have admired on these boards greatly for your courage and wisdom and kindness for many years.

 

My wisdom for the situation....

"Can you see the power emotion has to distort our outlook? Makes you wonder, did you have a bad day, or did you make it a bad day."

~Fablehaven - Rise of the Evening Star"

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Several years ago I made the decision to be nicer to me. So now I argue with myself.

 

If I left the freezer door open, internally I would say "JudoMom, you are a stupid idiot! No, I'm not."

 

When I eat too many cookies, internally I say "JudoMom, you are a stupid, fat pig. No, I'm not."

 

So, the negative self talk hasn't stopped, but at least now I stick up for myself, too :lol:.

 

:lol: OK - this I could do. I don't know if I could stop calling myself names cold turkey - but arguing with myself? Yes! (My kids are really going to think I've lost it.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

It's nice to know that I'm not alone in doing this.

 

The kind words are nice too though I think some of you speak in too glowing terms. I was telling my dh the other day that sometimes people tend to praise my "determination, patience" etc. because of my chronic illness. He looked at me and said, "Your chronic illness doesn't make you a saint. . . it just makes you unhealthy!" (You'd like him, Rosie.)

[RoughCollie]

:lol: OK - this I could do. I don't know if I could stop calling myself names cold turkey - but arguing with myself? Yes! (My kids are really going to think I've lost it.)

 

Oh geez, I can see it now. The Neverending Argument.

[texasmama]

It's nice to know that I'm not alone in doing this.

 

The kind words are nice too though I think some of you speak in too glowing terms. I was telling my dh the other day that sometimes people tend to praise my "determination, patience" etc. because of my chronic illness. He looked at me and said, "Your chronic illness doesn't make you a saint. . . it just makes you unhealthy!" (You'd like him, Rosie.)

 

:lol:

 

I have had to work hard at letting myself off the hook. It helps me to believe that I am doing the best I can, even if it is less than perfect.

[Sweetpeach]

Good question. Actually, I do feel a bit badly about myself but I try to disguise it by making it sound funny. Part of me understands that I'm frustrated at the situation but part of me is actually frustrated at myself and blames myself "somehow".

 

Yes, I connect with this. It's easier to blame myself than to hold people accountable for their actions or words. Don't want the conflict, thank you very much.

[JudoMom]

Oh geez, I can see it now. The Neverending Argument.

 

You're right. I shouldn't have suggested it. I'm an idiot. No I'm not.

 

;) :tongue_smilie::lol:

[Sweetpeach]

You know, if we could bang this out via Hive-Therapy, if would save me alot of time and energy. :) Love to you, Jean.

[joannqn]

Jean, I'm the same way. I also have a RoughCollie in my life. Unfortunately, I don't see her as much since I moved down here. I also don't get the my Monday night support meeting as often either. And I think it shows in my self-talk, which affects everything else in my life. It's a bad thing, and I tend to hold other people to high standards too, though they probably aren't quite as high.

[Lara in Colo]

Jean I am the same way. When it gets bad, Dh tells me I'm spending too much time with my mother. I guess I figure I'll just beat her too the punch line. I also use this as a way to joke with others. I sort feel like if I say I did something dumb, then others can relate to me better. Not like I sit a confess all the stupid stuff I did that day, but more like--- we are both doing something and I admit that the reason it is wrong is because I did a dork move.