PrairieSong Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) Today we received a wedding invitation that had me stumped. Even after I opened it and saw a photo of the couple, I was perplexed. Who are these people?? I had to look at the names for a few seconds before it hit me. The bride's brother is married to a girl we've known for years. All these kids, many years ago (like 15) were in our little homeschool group, which disbanded long ago. I saw this family at her brother's wedding a few years ago, which we were invited to because we knew the bride and her family very well. But...acquaintances you were in a homeschool group with 15 years ago? I don't understand why we were invited to a wedding of acquaintances we knew through a homeschooling group long ago, people we never see or talk to now. I showed it to my kids, who said, "Who is that? Do we know them?" My 15yo daughter said, "Maybe they don't have very many friends." We don't plan to attend the wedding. Would you send a card? A gift? I have honestly never had this happen before. Edited November 8, 2021 by PrairieSong Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weddell Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 I would just send a card. That way you acknowledge the invite and say congratulations, but I wouldn't do anything else. Obviously you don't know them and I wouldn't send a present or attend in that case. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 Yes, I thought of just sending a card, but then I thought it would make us look like we are very inconsiderate to not get them a gift. So I'm considering just ignoring it...but is that worse? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 I would simply return the response card (assuming there is one) with regrets. If I don't really know the couple, I don't feel obligated to purchase a gift or a card for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 There was no response card. The invitation said "reception following" but not dinner or anything, so It's probably cake and punch. They aren't asking for a head count. I'm still confused as to why anyone would invite people they don't know that well, never see or talk to, to a wedding. ??????? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Just RSVP (presumably that you won't be attending) and call it a day. You're not obligated to do anything except RSVP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 A response card is not necessary to Rsvp. I would send a handwritten note on my stationery that says, "Congratulations on your engagement! We are sorry we cannot attend the wedding. Best of luck in your new life together." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 Are you obligated to RSVP if there is no response card? And...I am still wondering why this happened at all. Why do people invite others they don't know that well to a wedding??? Has anyone else had this happen? It's so strange. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 A response card is not necessary to Rsvp. I would send a handwritten note on my stationery that says, "Congratulations on your engagement! We are sorry we cannot attend the wedding. Best of luck in your new life together." :iagree:This is what I would do.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Are you obligated to RSVP if there is no response card? And...I am still wondering why this happened at all. Why do people invite others they don't know that well to a wedding??? It is polite to RSVP even if there is no response card. A quick letter/note as a PP mentioned would be just fine. Perhaps your 15yo dd is correct about the reasoning. Perhaps you really touched this person's life w/ kindness or care somehow when you were back in the hs group together & because of that they have always remembered you fondly. Perhaps there is another (or no) reason.... I wouldn't overthink it, just send regrets & wish them a happy life together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 I am still wondering why this happened at all. Why do people invite others they don't know that well to a wedding??? Has anyone else had this happen? It's so strange. If you are good friends with the brother and SIL, the bride's mom might have put you on the list. My MIL was rather annoying about that kind of thing. She insisted on sending invitations to a whole bunch people whom I had never met and DH hadn't seen in years because they were "friends of the family". I'm not sure why she thought that these folks might want to come to our wedding, and indeed, nearly all of them sent their regrets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amey311 Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 FIL's girlfriend wanted us to invite her daughter (I'd never met her, DH had only once - it wasn't like they were step-children together or something). She actually said to us "Just invite her - here's her address. She won't come, so you'll just get another gift." :confused: I nearly said "you're actually telling me to invite someone JUST to get a gift? i'm pretty certain that's poor manners." So, in response to the PP (the OP?) who wondered if a card is bad form because it looks like you're not sending a gift (and you're not, but that's okay) - I think it's also bad form to invite people just to get more loot. I was really surprised to see that Emily Post thinks that if you're invited, you should send a gift: http://www.emilypost.com/guests (even if you're not attending). If you feel somehow obligated to send one, you could see if they've registered some place like Target and send a small gift card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Are you obligated to RSVP if there is no response card? I don't know if you are obligated, but it would take just a few moments and put the matter to rest for you. Since this seems to be weighing on your mind, I would just send an RSVP declining to attend. And...I am still wondering why this happened at all. Why do people invite others they don't know that well to a wedding??? Who knows why it happened? I suppose there could be a few reasons. It doesn't matter though, does it? Has anyone else had this happen? It's so strange. No, this hasn't happened to me. When I was growing up my parents would do weird stuff like that though. They would go ten years without communicating with someone they barely knew and then call them up if we were passing through town and ask if our family could bunk up at their place. True story. Talk about awkward... / Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Peach Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 I would send a card and explain in the card that you cannot attend. I may throw some cash in there if we could easily spare it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 :iagree: with the other posters....don't feel obligated to go or to even send a gift...maybe a short note with a card would be all I would do and call it a day...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Are you obligated to RSVP if there is no response card? And...I am still wondering why this happened at all. Why do people invite others they don't know that well to a wedding??? Has anyone else had this happen? It's so strange. You are not obligated to do anything; however, response cards came into fashion because people did not remember the polite thing to do when invited somewhere is to Rsvp by whatever means invited: Invited by mail-----> Rsvp by mail Invited by phone----------> Rsvp by phone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieJ Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 All 4 of my kiddoes are married, 2 of them last year. I can't imagine having enough room in my invite list to invite people who weren't expecting an invite! If there is no RSVP card to return, truly I don't think you need to do anything but ignore it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Are you obligated to RSVP if there is no response card? Yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Ignoring an invitation because it doesn't have a reply card is the reason people now have to incur the additional expense of having reply cards printed and attaching postage. The polite thing to do is reply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellesmere Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 nm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Are you obligated to RSVP if there is no response card? Yes, you are. At least one of you must behave properly.:D And...I am still wondering why this happened at all. Why do people invite others they don't know that well to a wedding??? :001_unsure: Has anyone else had this happen? It's so strange. Yes, this has happened to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 I disagree that OP is obligated in a moral or legal sense, and I don't believe being polite is an obligation. I just can't imagine not taking five minutes to reply when someone made the effort to invite me to their event--no matter what the reason. If you have the time to post about it on here and put so much thought into the reason behind the invitation, then of course you have the time to send a reply note. Why does the reason matter so much? Assuming the best, that they just adore you even though you think nothing of them: it would make their day to get a congratulatory note from you, and you get to acknowledge their fond thoughts of you. Assuming the worst, that they are gift-grabbing jerks who will invite anyone for a gift: then your note can be a gracious declaration of repudiation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Yes, you are. At least one of you must behave properly.:D I disagree that response cards are "proper" behavior. I think they came about because of people's rudeness in not RSVPing, so it was taken down to the lowest common denominator: checking a box and dropping it in the mail. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 I would send my congrats and regrets on nice note paper; no gift. I wouldn't send a Hallmark-type card, b/c they are likely to think your check fell out :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah C. Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 There were a lot of people invited to my wedding whom I (and to a lesser extent DH) didn't know at all. My ILs are missionaries, and they decided they wanted to invite a lot of people they knew or who supported them, or something...? So we did it, and very few of them came. Honestly, I would have preferred *not* to receive gifts from those people. The gifts were nice, yes, but what do you write in a thank you card to a stranger? I would RSVP if the invitation asked. I wouldn't send a card or a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry, do you think William and Kate actually knew everyone who attended their wedding? :) Technically, response cards are not 'proper', they just are necessary. Emily Post would demand that all people have their own personal stationery so that one can write actual notes of thanks, greetings, sympathies, congratulations, acceptances and regrets. Mrs Robert Johnson Thank you for the lovely invitation to your June 12 wedding to Mr. Buddy Farnsworth. It is with great regret that I write that will be unable to attend the marvelous event as Dr Johnson and I are set to speak at a brain surgery conference in Amsterdam that weekend. While I have not seen you since your christening, your mother and I have exchanged many letters over the years. Through this correspondence I have learned what a delightful young woman you have become. I especially enjoyed hearing about your new baby. Dr Johnson and I send to you and Mr. Farnsworth our very best wishes for a life filled with joy! Kind regards, Bitsy (as your mother used to call me in our sorority days!) Johnson You can certainly see why checking off a little square has become so popular. :D;) Edited May 18, 2011 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 :grouphug: would it be kind to reply? i loved "bitsy's" letter.... it was gracious, acknowledged connection, shared memories, and conveyed information (no, we're not coming). i'd err on the side of being gracious. fwiw, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieJ Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 I disagree that response cards are "proper" behavior. I think they came about because of people's rudeness in not RSVPing, so it was taken down to the lowest common denominator: checking a box and dropping it in the mail. I agree. While I think it is proper to always RSVP, it is pretty common to get RSVP cards with an wedding invite today. I can't remember the last time I did not get an RSVP card with a wedding invite. I was only saying if they didn't send one, they must not need a head count for the food they are serving at the reception, therefore I would not worry about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 I disagree that response cards are "proper" behavior. I think they came about because of people's rudeness in not RSVPing, so it was taken down to the lowest common denominator: checking a box and dropping it in the mail. Notice that I did not say that response cards are proper behavior. RSVPing is proper behavior. Without a response card one would write a short note on actual paper, something like this: "Mr. and Mrs. Burbaster regret that they will be unable to attend the wedding of Eglantine Smeesh and Flugle Baffle on June 16." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Notice that I did not say that response cards are proper behavior. RSVPing is proper behavior. Without a response card one would write a short note on actual paper, something like this: "Mr. and Mrs. Burbaster regret that they will be unable to attend the wedding of Eglantine Smeesh and Flugle Baffle on June 16." I guess I misunderstood you somehow. You said, "At least one of you must behave properly" and I took that to mean, "They didn't behave properly because they did not include a response card." I'm sorry if that isn't what you meant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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