I just want it to end

[MomSchool5]

m

[Kelli in TN]

Mara,

I have been through what you are feeling.

 

Do you have some friends in your life that you can call on? It sounds like you need some big time support right now. :grouphug:

[Faithr]

Oh my goodness! I just went through this! I went through weeks of feeling like this. I felt like my world was closing in on me and I would never get back any joy! We even tried to enroll 3 kids in a private school but thank God it didn't work out. I sobbed like a baby when I realized that I was somehow going to have to continue. Then I went for a long walk completely spent emotionally and somehow, miraculously, I suddenly felt a peace descend upon me. I wasn't even actively praying or anything, I was beyond that! And now the burn is simply gone. It went away, poof! Like that!

 

So from my very immediate experience, I think sometimes we just have to work through these things. Know that 'this too shall end' as my mother would always tell me whenever I was in despair about something. You'll get your bearings once again.

 

I think different people need different things to help them through burn out. I suggest you stop doing any kind of school, pretend they go to school and you are on vacation. Look at baby pictures of them. Tell them stories about how cute they were when they were babies. Do something fun, a fun outing, movie marathon, whatever. Find a sitter so you can go out with your dh. Sleep as much as you can. Read a really good, light novel, listen to music that makes you happy. Take long baths, whatever can relax you.

 

This feeling really will pass. I promise! Just hang in there!

[QuirkyKapers]

Mara-

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. Sometimes things can just be overwhelming. Definetly take time to connect with some friends right now as Kelli suggested. How often are you able to get away from your children and get some you time?

[riada]

Mara, I have a friend that is going through a similar situation with her four children. What she wouldn't give to have a bus pull up and take them away for seven hours a day! Before she makes the final decision to send them to ps she decided to just quit for the year. So in March she closed the books and took a much needed break. Have you thought of taking an extended break and seeing how you feel afterwards? If you are as stressed as it sounds then I am guessing that not much learning is happening so possibly a break would be good for all involved. And my friend is doing better. She still has her bad days when she goes to her room for her own quiet time, but she is feeling better about hs and her children. Also, her husband was able to take on one subject with the kids after work and that not only lightened her load but helped the kids to have a little more respect for her. I do hope that things get better for you and if you decide to put them in ps then I don't think there is any reason for guilt. This isn't a competition to hs for the longest.

 

Take care.

[Mama Lynx]

I just cannot do this anymore. I find myself avoiding my children more and more. I can't stand them. But I am stuck. I just want to be able to run away or go to sleep and never wake up. I can't go through the arguing anymore. I have so many years left ahead of me and I just want them to be over. I don't want to worry about whether I am doing the right thing or not. WHO CARES

 

Mara

 

Mara, you sound very, very depressed.

 

Is there anyone you can talk to IRL? Based on what you're saying, it might be time to find a sympathetic counselor. You don't have to feel this way. You don't have to be stuck. You need to get help.

 

Are you married? Have you talked to your husband?

[Just Me]

(((Mara)))

 

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Is this something you can talk with your dh about? I am not sure of your situation, but my heart goes out to you. I agree with the others about talking with a friend, and it certainly sounds as if you could use a little down time. Please talk with someone. And know that lots of us here will be praying for you.

[Elaine]

((Mara)) You poor thing.

 

Have you talked to anyone IRL? How can we help you?:grouphug:

[LaMere Academy]

I think most homeschool moms go through this from time to time. It's HARD being with the kids all day, year in and year out with no break.

Can you get a day or more away to yourself?

If not, have a week "off" where you do fun things that are still educational...and lots of outdoor play.

Hang in there, you're doing the best thing for your children. :grouphug:

[Joanne]

Mara,

 

This sounds like the thinking symptoms of clinical depression. I encourage you to see a medical professional.

[sweetbaby]

Every hs mom has been down this road and more than once. Take a break! You deserve it. It's hard being mom and teacher all day and each day of the year. Turn it off for now and take some time for yourself. See if someone can get your children for a couple of hours or even a day or so. Just put away the books and relax.

[Tammyla]

I agree with, Joanne. :grouphug:

 

Mara,

 

This sounds like the thinking symptoms of clinical depression. I encourage you to see a medical professional.

[Jan in SC]

You sound more than depressed. Maybe others have gone through this before, but you need to go to a doctor or counselor today! Please do not take this lightly. This does not sound like a "put the books away" moment. Please find help in real life!

[Mom2GirlsTX]

You sound more than depressed. Maybe others have gone through this before, but you need to go to a doctor or counselor today! Please do not take this lightly. This does not sound like a "put the books away" moment. Please find help in real life!

 

:iagree:

 

I have to agree with Jan, you need to see a doctor. There is nothing to be ashamed of for having clinical depression (and you sound pretty depressed). Please take care of yourself by seeing a doctor...pretty pretty please!

[RoughCollie]

Mara, no matter how badly you feel, please keep uppermost in mind that this, too, shall pass. This is not how you will feel for the rest of your life.

 

I agree with Joanne that you need professional help. Depression is an illness just like any other and you sound depressed to me. I've been there, done that.

 

Also, I read your other posts and I think you are under way too much pressure from other people. You must try not to internalize this. You are not ruining your children, and if I were you, I'd end the school year NOW. If anyone complains, tell them to teach the children. That's what I would do. In fact, there were several times that I ended the school year and didn't tell anyone -- even DH didn't know, although if he had asked, I would have told him.

 

I have been homeschooling for 8 years and I have not been the perfect homeschooler or mother during that time -- not even close. My children have not been ruined by me, although I feared that they would be many times.

 

One thing I did that nearly turned out to be my downfall was compare myself with other homeschoolers. I used to wonder how they did it. How do they cram 25 hours of schoolwork into one day? How do they keep a pristine house, cook gourmet meals, teach a rigorous course load to their 6 year olds, take 6 kids to 30 outside activities, participate in ministries, and so forth. Especially, how come their kids thrive under such rigor, while mine are sitting around whining about math and not studying history or chemistry for fun in their spare time?

 

I never figured it out. Just thinking of all that made me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I decided to stop comparing myself. I have my ideas of how things should be done, and of what I am willing to do and of what I am willing to put my children through. I did that, instead of striving to be someone I'm not and instead of trying to force my kids to become Mini Einsteins. My self esteem could not rest on my keeping up with the Joneses or on what other people in my life thought I should be doing.

 

Also, there is nothing that says you cannot put all or some of your children in school next year. That is not the crime of the century. Two of mine go to a regular school now. Our homeschool is much, much calmer now that these two are no longer here to drive me out of my mind. They are happier, I am happier, and the kids are getting a decent education.

 

Again, I urge you to keep in mind that your feelings right now will not last forever. You will feel better, things will look brighter, and you will get through this.

 

RC

[percytruffle]

Mara,

 

This sounds like the thinking symptoms of clinical depression. I encourage you to see a medical professional.

 

 

I agree. You words sound desperate. Please seek help. Do not try to just wait this out.

 

A forum can only provide virtual support. Seek help from a professional.

[summer]

I am very sorry you are feeling this way.

 

I do not mean to sound like a chauvanist pig..but some vitamins might help. Hormones might be playing a role.

 

After that...look hard at what you are doing. Unschooling for a little while might really help. Then start over with building your curriculum. I hate to say this, but when people say what you are saying, I often find out they are using certain curriculums. There are just a few things out there that seem to burn people out.

 

(((hugs)))) I know this might not sound possible..but you will feel better soon.

[MomSchool5]

m

[Jenny in Atl]

:grouphug:

[KidsHappen]

I agree with other that you sound seriously depressed. I can empathyze with the way you are feeling. I am bi-polar and I have had periods like this. It is time to get a doctor or counselor involved. Start asking for help from family and friends. Is there is any way possible find a caring environment for your children during the day and have dh help shoulder the burden at night. You need time to heal and your dc need to be sheilded from your illness as much as can be accomodated. It sounds like meds need to be started now and even then it will take at least eight weeks to feel better. Stop school for the year and get through the summer. Consider putting them in school next year if you can. You really need to take a period of time to take care of yourself or pretty soon you will not be able to take care of anyone. You can of course come here for support as well but if you are at the end of your rope and feel as if you may break you need to CALL SOMEONE NOW. I know it feels like it, but it is not the end of the world. You can get through this and come out whole on the other side. :grouphug:

[RoughCollie]

I use the broken record technique. They ask, I say no. They ask again, adding in some manipulation. I repeat myself exactly. They heap on more manipulation. I repeat myself exactly.

 

Eventually they give up and go away. I don't need the hassle, so if they don't come back, oh well.

 

As far as feeling trapped is concerned, I feel that way often. In reality, I am trapped. I could get myself out of the trap, but it would harm my family. So I slog through and try to accept that some circumstances are beyond my personal control.

 

One thing that has helped me is that I have made a detailed schedule for each day. It has a column for the time, and columns for me and for each of the kids. I schedule the time available, including free time for us all. I make sure to schedule enough travel time, too.

 

It is amazingly freeing because there are limited hours in a day and I can only put on my plate what fits there. Everything else will have to wait until I can fit it in or until I figure out how to make a 35 hour day. If everything else goes to h-e-double toothpicks, that's too bad. I take into consideration our NEEDS first -- wants come later or never where scheduling is concerned. Sometimes we have sandwiches for dinner because I don't have time to cook a meal. Big so what -- no one has died from eating them instead of homecooking.

 

Just as an aside, I consider needs to be sufficient homeschooling, laundry, making meals & all that entails -- like grocery shopping, keeping the bathrooms and kitchen clean, taking the kids to karate, picking up two of my kids from school, feeding the dog, and making sure we all get enough sleep. Everything else fits where it fits, or not at all.

 

I do not schedule myself to do two things at the same time: I cannot teach and vacuum at the same time.

 

I used to have a to-do list with about a thousand things on it. Now I try to keep my focus on the daily schedule and I try not to think about what is not getting done. There is no point to that since I don't have time to do that stuff anyway.

 

RC

 

Yes, I know that is a big part of my problem. So many people expect SO much from me and I just can't give anymore, but I have no idea how to get out of any of it. I was asked to take on a couple of big responsibilies in our homeschool community and said no, and have withdrawn from a few things at church but still wish that I could withdraw from everything. I wish I could quit taking care of extended elderly relatives as well, but that isn't going away either. I'm just trapped.

 

Mara

[Quiver0f10]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. :grouphug: Please, find a close friend, pastor or an older woman to speak with.

[H.S. Burrow]

Please see a doctor...vitamin deficiencies can cause depression like symtoms, lack of sleep or not sleeping well can cause depression like systoms, there are several illnesses other than depression that cause these symtoms...so PLEASE see a doctor :grouphug:.

 

I would also "end school" for your "school year"...start fresh in the fall.

 

The hardest thing for me to learn was how to say "NO". Your homeschool group WILL survive without you taking on a leadership role. Your church WILL survive without you taking on a leadership role. Concentrate on the "have to" areas of your life - your family. I went through a rough patch several years ago and our minister is the one who told me that "God gave you your family to care for - not this church". I have tried to remember that everytime I feel guilty for not "doing more". I know elderly relatives are very difficult to care for.....is there anyone else in your family who is helping you with this responsibility? If someone is available and not helping - you may have to learn to say "no" to them as well...and it's very hard.

 

When we decided to pull our kids out of public school to homeschool, I found myself being "nominated" for EVERYTHING - because in a lot of other's eyes, I was home all day doing NOTHING!! I had to create a daily schedule (NOT that we follow it religously!!:001_smile:) and give it to all family members so they could "see" that I was busy ALL DAY.

 

Remember that God gave you your family - not your church ministries or your homeschool group - to care for FIRST.....the other areas get the leftovers - if there are any!!

 

We will be praying for you!

[CookieMonster]

Mara,

 

This sounds like the thinking symptoms of clinical depression. I encourage you to see a medical professional.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

Take this from a woman who has experienced depression firsthand. Get thee to a doctor. Tell the doctor you are depressed. Say what you just typed here. This won't magically go away on it's own.

[UnPrairieMuffin]

completely worn out as a caregiver. If I were taking care of elderly relatives, running a house, and homeschooling I would be at the end of my tether as well. Do you have any other relatives you can call on to help you? It's time to do that if you can, if you're the type to "do it all myself," then it's time to let that go and let somebody else take the reins. It's not healthy to have the weight of the world on your shoulders, if there is other immediate family then they need to take part in the care as well.

 

Praying that your cloud lifts...

 

Erin :grouphug:

[Oakblossoms]

I'm praying you will take some steps to talk with someone.

 

Are you the primary person taking care of relatives? Please delegate to other family members right away. Tell them it's vital. Don't be a Martyr. It doesn't help anyone.

 

Close the books for the year. Read a book on Unschooling (skylarksings.com) and a good trashy novel. Spend time with your children really getting to know each other. Reconnect with them.

 

Personally, I get really depressed when I try to be hardcore everything. I know some people can be, but my children don't deal with it well. It's just not the life we live. I watch other moms who haven't figured that out yet struggle horribly and give up on homeschooling. Homeschooling is not just about the children. It's about the family.

 

We are all introverts in our family. So, if we are out a lot we all start whining and get depressed. We need to refuel daily. My children become obstinate and argumentative.

[mo2]

Time to see a doc or counselor (or both). Trust me, I've been there. It's not going to get better on it's own. There's nothing to be ashamed of, and don't worry, no one is going to take away your children or anything. Getting some help is the responsible thing to do...for you and your family.

[Pongo]

I am so sorry your going through such a rough time. I agree with the others to seek some professional help in sorting this emotions out.

 

On another note, dare I say homeschooling is not for everyone. We have our reasons for homeschooling as does everyone else. Not everyone likes the beach, chocolate:w00t:, in-laws, socializing or teaching.

 

I have a wonderful friend who tried homeschooling her 3 kiddos. She is an attorney and she is a wonderful and intelligent person. She had the most difficult time trying to home school her kids. She started to become very depressed and with her husbands support decided to place them in school for 1 year so she had time to work on herself. In 3 months time she was back to herself, she is on the PTA, a room monitor, after school homework helper and she feels great. After this, she came to the conclusion that she had an "idea" of what it would be like and when it did not fit into the mold she felt like a failure and was always beating herself up for it. She also resented her husband because she wanted more support than he was able or willing to give. Now she is her children's biggest fan and supporter. She is a HUGE part of their schooling , she just isn't the "teacher" anymore.

 

She is a wonderful loving mom and she like the rest of us has limitations.

I supported her decision, firstly because I am her friend and I wanted what's best for HER, secondly because she was being a great mommy and wife and that made HER feel good about herself.

 

 

All this to say, talk to you dh and seek support of friends or a counselor. I pray you find what's best for your family.

Blessings to you!