When your religious views shift and your family stays the same.....

[snickelfritz]

How does that play out? Did you keep going where they went, since everyone else was happy?

[catalinakel]

Well, in my case, husband decided to become an Orthodox Christian, but all of us had been involved with the PCA since marriage, including our kids being baptized there. We all went to a few services and I asked bunches of questions of several of the deacons(I believe that is what they were called) and realized that their beliefs did not jive with mine, and I could not in good conscience participate. I chose not to continue there, and the kids stayed with me as they were also not comfortable there. When my husband was baptized there, we went, and the baptism ceremony made me know without doubt that he was making a major change. This all happened during the year when our divorce became imminent, so it sort of helped to seal the deal, although there were issues of violence that led me to leave finally.

[LAS in LA]

My happily married parents-in-law went to different churches for a while when my husband was in high school (Mennonite and PCA). MIL eventually began attending the PCA church as well. Now they are both members of another denomination. Grace, respect, and understanding are probably important in this type of situation. When you say "religious views shift", do you mean within Christianity (Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox) or outside of it? That makes a big difference.

[snickelfritz]

When you say "religious views shift", do you mean within Christianity (Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox) or outside of it? That makes a big difference.

 

It's unknown how far the shift will go. It's in progress. From South. Baptist to..... not South. Baptist, at least that far. More liberal, for lack of a better term. I've seen lots of talk about people changing their religious POV, lately. I marvel that it happens with both spouses and wonder about the repercussions when it doesn't.

[momma aimee]

our family is in that shift, to a lessor degree, now. I am shifting more and more conservative (much more). currently we are searching for a church that can cope with our family (boys and SN issues); so DH and I take turns going to service and staying home with the boys --

 

Not sure -- it is not going to teach up our marraige, that would be very counter productive if you think about it

 

for now I think, i read, i pray and i share with DH -- and I am trusting God to put the entire family where He wants us.

 

I agree teh shift in question makes a big big differnce

[kchara]

I feel one coming in our family. I have a sneaking suspicion that DH is wanting to return to the church he was raised in. (More or less... they're more of a wedding/funeral type family, but still.) That's just not going to work for me. We're going to have a talk about how we want to approach the kids' religious training b/c of this. If he really, REALLY wanted us to attend as a family, I would but I won't convert, and I wouldn't allow the kids to go through the process until they're at an age where they will understand more the differences between the churches.

[momofkhm]

How does that play out? Did you keep going where they went, since everyone else was happy?

 

I'm reading this as extended family. DH and I became more conservative while extended family remained more liberal. There are things that we definitely see as black and white and they see as gray. For us, when we visit them, we go to their church and when they visit us, they go to our church. DH parents have become more conservative over time and they actually enjoy our church. I think if they moved down here they would attend our church. My parents however, I've noticed try not to go to church with us. Something will come up so they have to leave either Saturday night or leave for home when we leave for church.

[Murphy101]

Neither dh nor I were religious when we married. I was pregnant with our third at the time I started shifting so to speak towards the Roman Catholic church. All of our children are being raised Roman Catholic, but dh has never felt the slightest desire to convert. His only foot planting as been to never be Protestant, much less fundamental evangelical. He was raised southern baptist and it soured him about Protestantism in general.

 

Dh attends mass with us and is supportive and encouraging. In times of crisis or major life events, it is dh, not me, who thinks to call a priest.

 

Honestly it has been divine intervention most of the time because I'm not sure how else to explain it has just never been much of an issue.

[LisaKinVA]

Well, it isn't always pretty.

 

My dh and I have *very* different views from most in my family. My younger brothers, my mom, all lean one direction (we are closest to them philosophically/religiously)

 

My dad & older brother's family lean another.

 

The list of things we *don't* talk about grows annually.

 

My older brother recently decided to "stake his salvation on a literal 7-day Creation." (that is a quote). A-la Ken Hamm.

 

And, another topic bites the dust...:tongue_smilie:

[snickelfritz]

I'm talking about close family. Dh and the kids. I am not talking about it being the cause of a separation. But he loves our church, the kids love our church, and I don't know what I want.... But I feel stuck.

[Cheryl in NM]

I was in a crisis of faith when I met Dh. Dh identified with Baptist for the most part, but didn't believe in attending church. I was raised Lutheran, but a Baptist hater. We still had wonderful spiritual discussions.

 

My crisis lasted over 10 years. Then I went back to church for 1 year, Dh worked Sunday's so I didn't bother him about going with us except occassionally. Then I stayed away for another 8 years and got really caustic regarding religious views and God and everything else in general.

 

I started to hear God whispering in my soul and gently nudging me to be a better wife. I was ruining our marriage with my caustic attitudes. It was a slow change and took almost another year for me to get back to church. Around this time I really started trying to live my life in what I thought was a Christian manner. Dh saw a change in me; it took about 2-3 years to mend my marriage. Dh's views haven't changed and we still have wonderful spiritual discussions. Dh even says that my spiritual journey has inspired him. He talks about God and forgiveness and a Godly way to live more often than before. Dh still has no desire to attend a church; thankfully, it isn't causing a problem with Ds. Dh supports me taking Ds to church. Dh knows that his problem with attending church is a personal one and he sees how much Ds gets out of attending. Dh just recently told me that he wishes he didn't have this problem with attending church. I guess there's still hope, but I know I need to remain hands off. I have committed to let God use me as inspiration where ever He needs to and I hope that it will be with Dh.

 

I have reviewed the Baptist doctrines and believe that Dh and I could find a church that we can both grow in. I have no qualms about leaving the Lutheran church so that our family can attend together. However, I am trusting God in his timing in this issue. I'll stay where I'm familiar until the need arises to change.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

I went from atheist to Roman Catholic. DH and I were both raised as Catholic in name only. Both were non practicing and not caring for years. It changed for me. We sort of have a 'pact of non agression' going right now. He doesn't diss me and I don't preach to him.

 

That said, DH attends church with us once in a while. Thankfully, he's very much traditionalist. He is not a believer but he will attend Christmas mass, even on his own. (I stay in bed, home with the kids).

 

I don't know what the future will hold for us, but sometimes it's a bit strained. Most of the time, it's not.

[Impish]

My sister in law is Protestant. My brother is in the midst of converting to Catholic. No idea how that will play out in the long run for them.

 

I've changed in my faith since my marriage. It actually strengthened our marriage, so it was a very good thing.

[Farrar]

Dh and I have always had different takes on religion. He was raised Catholic and feels an affinity for it culturally (so much so that he attends mass sometimes and takes the kids) but isn't a Catholic anymore. He is very spiritual and very interested in religion (he was in divinity school when I met him!) but is basically an atheist. I was raised Baptist and my mother is a minister. My upbringing was very much religious left - I grew up in a Baptist church that was all about social justice and if I could I would totally want to stay in that sort of liberal Christian environment. Both of our takes on religion have changed over the years, but we've *never* been on the same page, not surprisingly. Anyway... Dh and I compromise by all going to the Unitarian church together. :D

[LAS in LA]

In a change within Christianity, I hope one of the repercussions is that believers become more united on the fundamentals (for lack of a less historically-loaded term) and recognize the peripherals for what they are. No couple agrees on everything. And learning to deal with disagreements is a basic marriage skill.

 

Stepping outside of S. Baptist circles doesn't necessarily make one too liberal. [We're non-S.Baptists at a S.Baptist school and attending a S. Baptist church.] :D

[dangermom]

If it was me, my first choice would be to attend both churches as a family if at all possible. I've had several friends do that and it seems to work out best if everyone can be supportive and attend as a "family activity" with the understanding that not everyone believes the same way, but they all love and support each other. I would probably choose to take turns every week if the services are at the same time if we couldn't do both weekly.

 

I've also seen it turn very ugly when when one spouse becomes demanding and hostile about the faith differences.

[Hedgehog]

If we're talking about extended family, then DH and I, and MIL, are now in a more liberal church than my parents and sisters.

 

We all belonged to the same church group growing up, which is how I met DH. Then a few years ago we became uncertain about some of the doctrines in that church and eventually left it.. it's a long story.. but what is relevant to this thread is that I came to the conclusion that I needed to leave the church long before DH did. I decided that I wasn't going to do anything about my convictions - no discussions, either - until he had made a decision one way or the other, and then I would have to deal with wherever that left us - ie, either him being settled back into the same church and me wanting to leave, or both of us wanting to leave. I just prayed about it and asked God to lead us to where we could serve him best, and His answer was that DH eventually came to the same views as I had, so we left together.

 

We're very happy in our new church group and it's opened up a lot of opportunities for spiritual growth and fellowship that we never had before. It's been a bit strained with my family but I think they are getting used to it, slowly.

[eternalknot]

I'm not Christian. I am and have always been an active participant in my faith community.

 

My kids' dad was born and raised Catholic, but he's never been a regular participant as an adult. My Catholic friends call him more of a cultural Catholic than a religious one. In the past 4-5 years he has struggled with even the cultural aspects of his Catholic heritage and has started leaning more towards and learning about my faith beliefs.

 

When we married I did agree to raise our kids Catholic, and I've stood by that. My faith is such that it can be taught as a life philosophy, and much of it is in accordance with (what I know of) Catholic tradition. Our kids attend regular Mass, reconciliation, and obligatory days of observance. I incorporate a Catholic religious curriculum into our home school, too. Many times I attend Mass with them, but not always. I have no desire to convert but I feel comfortable in the sacred atmosphere of their church. The kids come with me to temple for festivals and such, but it's more of a social environment than a religious one. We have a shrine at home, and they sometimes sit by me.

 

It's never been a source of conflict on any level between myself and my husband OR myself and the kids. Part of that might be simply because I can fulfill my own spiritual needs at home or in a small group that meets at a convenient time; I'm not locked into a pre-determined schedule of services. I'm able to attend with my kids but also do my own thing, and one doesn't really take away from the other; it's not either, or.

 

It might also be because our faiths are so different that there wasn't any preconceived baggage on either of our parts about what each other's religion was, or involved. I don't think I could compromise my beliefs just so my family could worship together at one place. I feel my compromise was to raise the kids according to our agreed upon faith (Catholicism) in genuine effort, whilst maintaining the freedom to practice my own beliefs in my own ways (in a manner that didn't detract from their learning Catholicism). From what I've experienced, though, Christians aren't always okay with this due to the specific teachings/beliefs of certain denominations. Not knowing yours, I'm not sure if the above is helpful at all.

[simka2]

Truthfully, I prayed for a move. As in a big move that would uproot the whole family. Since we were in transition anyway, I used that time to steer us a different direction. Our situation was unique in that we were staff pastors at the time so there was no easy way to leave. Plus, we were in a very gracious church, so there was no real reason. My faith was evolving in a direction though that would have been incompatible.

 

Sorry, I cannot be of more help. On an aside, dh knew I was shriveling up inside. If I had pushed the issue we would have explored our options there.

[momma aimee]

I'm talking about close family. Dh and the kids. I am not talking about it being the cause of a separation. But he loves our church, the kids love our church, and I don't know what I want.... But I feel stuck.

 

that is me. DH is happy to be P -- but i am feeling a deeper need to me more -- the kids are too young, they'll grew where we plant them.

[Joyofsixreboot]

When we married neither of us attended church. Dh was Cathlic and I was raised Methodist. After children and my mother's terminal illness I began attending church again. When dd was 4 she asked daddy why he didn't come to church. He's been attending with us ever since. His sisters (who don't attend anywhere) feel I've led him astray and we are " overly religious".

[Aubrey]

It's unknown how far the shift will go. It's in progress. From South. Baptist to..... not South. Baptist, at least that far. More liberal, for lack of a better term. I've seen lots of talk about people changing their religious POV, lately. I marvel that it happens with both spouses and wonder about the repercussions when it doesn't.

 

I've been looking into another denomination. Dh is willing to listen, has visited w/ me. He's not sure if he's interested at all, but he's encouraged me to pursue it because he thinks it might be perfect for me.

 

I'm slow w/ change until I'm sure, & then I make heads spin. Anyway, for our part, he's happy for me to look because he sees that I have unique needs that are not likely to be met in traditional churches. Funny man.

[sassyscrapperinid]

This is an interesting topic. :001_smile: When dh and I met neither of us attended church. After we married, we still did not attend church and going to church really was not something we considered doing. Within a couple years, after I was exposed to christianity while visiting a friend in NC, I suggested that we should say prayers before meals and bedtimes (dh was fine with that) and God became a small part of our lives. Still did not feel the need to attend a church. I should add here that I had been baptized LDS about 3 years prior (only attended twice though) to our marriage and he said he didnt believe in organized religion. LOL Anyways, within a year of being married, we ended up with custody of his 5 nieces and nephews- which took our number of children from 2 to 7 over night. :001_smile: I began feeling like we needed a church family. He said that was fine. We started church shopping. Long story short we ended up at the LDS church. He felt comfortable because he had become friends with someone in the ward and dh doesnt make friends. Well, its 8 years later and I have recently decided my time with the LDS church is over but his and some of the childrens' is not. They arent as active/faithful to commandments as we used to be but they attend the first hour of services. I stay at home. These days I call myself undecided. I have told my dh and the children who are old enough that right now, I want no part of the LDS church or christianity- as a religion... not that I have declared myself an athiest or anything yet. But dh knows I study wicca right now. It was hard at first... dh I dont think he knew how to take it. He called me rebellious etc. But now I think he kinda realizes its not about that. For us, I just tell them that they are welcome to believe what they want. If they want to go to church- thats totally fine with me, but please do not expect me to go. And not to judge me because I choose not to do what they do- ie. obeying commandments etc. Dh and I did argue about it a few times. But now when we do talk about it, we try to listen to each others beliefs and try to have discussions instead of arguements. Its getting better. Hope this helped. :001_smile:

[Peela]

I dont see my spirituality as a social thing, although there are social events I include myself in. It is a highly personal thing- the most improtnat thing in my life. I would not accept even my husband, let alone anyone else, interfering with my spirituality or trying to influence me without being invited. It is way too personal. Since we both feel the same, and hold each other in respect around it, it hasn't been an issue- but we would not think of compromising with anyone else.

[Joanne]

I'm talking about close family. Dh and the kids. I am not talking about it being the cause of a separation. But he loves our church, the kids love our church, and I don't know what I want.... But I feel stuck.

 

I have a fairly radically different view of God than when I got together with my DH, or, before that, had my kids.

 

I still attend with them where the majority of the family wants to go.

[ElizabethB]

Could you go to a Bible study or other mid week thing at another church that fits you better?