how to respond to derogatory statements about self?

[Tohru]

I don't know how to respond when some one says something bad about themselves.

For example, if I ask what's wrong and get the reply, "I feel worthless." I'll ask why would they feel like that and their response is "because I am worthless." Then I get annoyed at their personal pity party and really don't know what to say. I do care and want to be compassionate, just clueless as to what to say or do.

 

Advice please?

This is an adult that says this. I love the person and really care, just not sure how to respond without getting annoyed and agreeing with them when they say bad things about themselves.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I used to say things like this until a friend at work called me on it. It wasn't the "I am worthless" type things, but she would compliment me and I would say, "I appreciate that even if you don't mean it". Or talk about my weight. She finally said,"You are modeling that for your kids. Do you want THEM to say those things about themSELVES?"

 

That did it.

[Mejane]

This will sound harsh, but I hate that poor-little-me crap unless someone has a real problem. If they're just feeling sorry for themselves and looking for sympathy, I'm not the one to come to. My fil pulls that all the time. I've started saying, "It's sad that you feel that way," and changing the subject. He's only looking for pity, and I refuse to play that game. :glare:

[Gratia271]

This will sound harsh, but I hate that poor-little-me crap unless someone has a real problem. If they're just feeling sorry for themselves and looking for sympathy, I'm not the one to come to. My fil pulls that all the time. I've started saying, "It's sad that you feel that way," and changing the subject. He's only looking for pity, and I refuse to play that game. :glare:

 

:iagree:

 

My sister is like this all.the.time. I finally disengaged because I couldn't take the imaginary problems anymore when there are others with real ones who need my help. That being said, if someone genuinely feels this way about themselves and is struggling, I try to come alongside and offer encouragement in terms of re-framing some of their negative comments into the positive corollary. Some people really struggle in this area, and it isn't a sham. Others, of course (like my sister), take advantage of caring people.

[Night Elf]

Sometimes it's not just a pity party. There can be underlying mental issues. So it's a very fine line to walk when you aren't sure if there is a real medical problem. The negative comments I received about my personal feelings towards myself only pushed my self-value lower. I was accused of being lazy or being an attention-seeker, when in actuality I didn't want anyone to notice me. Like I said, it's a fine line to walk.

 

I guess I would keep responses short, calm and nice. Something like 'I'm really sorry you feel that way because I don't have that perception of you at all.' I think it's nice when someone offers to listen but things get worse if the person tries to solve the problem, especially in a dismissive kind of way. Again, it's a fine line to walk. :(

[Mynyel]

I don't know how to respond when some one says something bad about themselves.

For example, if I ask what's wrong and get the reply, "I feel worthless." I'll ask why would they feel like that and their response is "because I am worthless." Then I get annoyed at their personal pity party and really don't know what to say. I do care and want to be compassionate, just clueless as to what to say or do.

 

Advice please?

This is an adult that says this. I love the person and really care, just not sure how to respond without getting annoyed and agreeing with them when they say bad things about themselves.

 

I am there with you. I know someone that does that as well and I just cringe. I usually try to say something positive then go to the bathroom or something.

 

Terrible but for those that chronically do things like this I quickly lose patience. Not because I don't think they have a problem, just because it takes more energy than I have to deal with it.

 

So really? I have no idea either, I will be keeping up with this thread :)

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't. I really don't have the patience for that stuff. eta: Unless they have a really good reason for feeling low.

[5KidzRUs]

Sometimes, sometimes a person just needs to hear "poor (insert name here)".

I tell my mom that sometimes - to NOT give me advice - just tell me "poor you". Sometimes it is a relief to get something off my chest and for a confidant to hear and acknowledge my angst ... :001_huh:

Edited April 21, 2011 by 5KidzRUs

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Wow. I didn't realize that people had had such strong opinions on what, for some, is an actual ISSUE, not attention-seeking behaviour. :001_huh:

 

I used to honestly think that people were not being genuine when complimenting me. And...I was so self-conscious about my weight that I felt the need to constantly 'apologize' for it.

 

I never realized that some people may have mistaken that for attention-seeking behaviour. It was exactly the opposite, an issue of self-esteem.....that became a habit until it was pointed out to me.

[Mejane]

Sometimes it's not just a pity party. There can be underlying mental issues. So it's a very fine line to walk when you aren't sure if there is a real medical problem. The negative comments I received about my personal feelings towards myself only pushed my self-value lower. I was accused of being lazy or being an attention-seeker, when in actuality I didn't want anyone to notice me. Like I said, it's a fine line to walk.

 

 

 

I feel I should clarify. If someone is depressed (fil), I will listen to them complain and advise them to seek counseling or medication. I will only do this fifty-seven times, though, before I lose patience and want to smack them upside the head. ;)

[Night Elf]

I feel I should clarify. If someone is depressed (fil), I will listen to them complain and advise them to seek counseling or medication. I will only do this fifty-seven times, though, before I lose patience and want to smack them upside the head. ;)

 

No problem. My DH pretty much smacked me upside the head to get me into counseling. I'm really glad he did. I went in thinking there was nothing anyone could do to help me because no one had been able to help before. But I'm doing pretty well now! :tongue_smilie:

[UnsinkableKristen]

I will say that I truly do not understand why someone would say they honestly don't want attention, and then constantly say things that draw attention to themselves anyway.

 

For instance:

 

***

"You look nice today, So and So"

"Why thank you, that's nice of you to say"

 

That is a normal conversation, no large amount of weird attention.

 

 

***

"You look nice today, So and So"

"Oh thanks, but you don't really mean that, I know I look awful."

"Um. No, I really did mean you looked nice."

"Oh well, thanks then."

 

THAT is awkward and draws even more attention to the person trying to deflect it because all the complimenter can think of now is how weird that was and if they responded the right way and should they send a card or something.

 

 

 

And from a person who genuinely likes to compliment other people, it gets frustrating when everything you say gets turned around like that. Of course I meant it, otherwise I wouldn't SAY it. When you say things like that, you are pretty much telling someone who is trying to be kind to you that you think they are full of it.

[LizzyBee]

When I hear someone put themselves down, I'll smile and say, "That's not true, and you shouldn't talk about yourself that way."

[goldberry]

Something like 'I'm really sorry you feel that way because I don't have that perception of you at all.'

 

This, stated very sincerely.

 

Also, I certainly wouldn't jump to the conclusion that they are attention seekers. If a person really feels that way when there are no real problems happening, they need help, not condemnation.

[goldberry]

I will say that I truly do not understand why someone would say they honestly don't want attention, and then constantly say things that draw attention to themselves anyway.

 

When you say things like that, you are pretty much telling someone who is trying to be kind to you that you think they are full of it.

 

The thing is, it's not about you. The person who is saying that has a problem. So rather than taking it as "they are saying I'm full of it", wouldn't it be better to take it as, "that person is really sad".

[UnsinkableKristen]

The thing is, it's not about you. The person who is saying that has a problem. So rather than taking it as "they are saying I'm full of it", wouldn't it be better to take it as, "that person is really sad".

 

 

That is true. True and right, but difficult to do over and over and over again:001_smile:.

[Night Elf]

And from a person who genuinely likes to compliment other people, it gets frustrating when everything you say gets turned around like that. Of course I meant it, otherwise I wouldn't SAY it. When you say things like that, you are pretty much telling someone who is trying to be kind to you that you think they are full of it.

 

Just to share why I don't like compliments. :o

 

My problem accepting a compliment is not usually because I think the person is lying. It's just that their truth is so far from mine that I can't accept it has validity. It all ties in with self-worth, self-confidence, self-value, and many other self-isms. We see ourselves from the inside where our secrets dwell. Other people can't know what's going on inside of me and therefore they can only know the 'outside' me, which is a very small part of me.

 

As for attention seeking, I think that would depend on the circumstance. We can't generalize that all people who cannot accept a compliment without making a sad remark are just looking for attention. I suppose it would have to do with how the remark was made, to whom, in what tone of voice, and in what state of mind the person was in when they received the compliment.

[Mrs Mungo]

Accepting a compliment graciously is just plain good manners.

[annandatje]

This will sound harsh, but I hate that poor-little-me crap unless someone has a real problem. If they're just feeling sorry for themselves and looking for sympathy, I'm not the one to come to. My fil pulls that all the time. I've started saying, "It's sad that you feel that way," and changing the subject. He's only looking for pity, and I refuse to play that game. :glare:

 

Fist pumping in agreement here! I have a relative who will suck out your life force if you do not shield yourself with tough love.

[Cheryl in NM]

Sometimes it's not just a pity party. There can be underlying mental issues. So it's a very fine line to walk when you aren't sure if there is a real medical problem. The negative comments I received about my personal feelings towards myself only pushed my self-value lower. I was accused of being lazy or being an attention-seeker, when in actuality I didn't want anyone to notice me. Like I said, it's a fine line to walk.

 

:iagree: This is a sign of depression. Most people in my life were totally shocked that I was depressed; I hid it well. But at night, when I went to bed, I begged God to take my life. I thought people were complimenting me to be nice; that was proven when I would see them compliment someone insincerely. Like, when someone does a poor job and then are complemented for that poor job. It's insincere. It has become a widespread societal problem.

 

Wow. I didn't realize that people had had such strong opinions on what, for some, is an actual ISSUE, not attention-seeking behaviour. :001_huh:

 

I used to honestly think that people were not being genuine when complimenting me. And...I was so self-conscious about my weight that I felt the need to constantly 'apologize' for it.

 

I never realized that some people may have mistaken that for attention-seeking behaviour. It was exactly the opposite, an issue of self-esteem.....that became a habit until it was pointed out to me.

 

:iagree: I need to lose about 50#. If I saw anyone I went to high school with on the street they would not recognize me because I've become so fat. That is disgusting to me. So when someone tells me I look nice, I can't believe them; I know I look disgusting. But then, as Dh tells me, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. He says he loves me and I better not argue with him about how beautiful HIS wife is. He's a keeper alright!

 

I will say that I truly do not understand why someone would say they honestly don't want attention, and then constantly say things that draw attention to themselves anyway.

 

For instance:

 

***

"You look nice today, So and So"

"Why thank you, that's nice of you to say"

 

That is a normal conversation, no large amount of weird attention.

 

 

***

"You look nice today, So and So"

"Oh thanks, but you don't really mean that, I know I look awful."

"Um. No, I really did mean you looked nice."

"Oh well, thanks then."

 

THAT is awkward and draws even more attention to the person trying to deflect it because all the complimenter can think of now is how weird that was and if they responded the right way and should they send a card or something.

 

Well, see that person is desperately trying to get you to quit looking at them, but feels the need to be insanely honest (in their opinion). See my post above regarding my weight. I finally learned that people that didn't know me when I was skinny might actually think I look nice. I've learned not to contradict them.

 

When I hear someone put themselves down, I'll smile and say, "That's not true, and you shouldn't talk about yourself that way."

 

This is what my Dh does.

 

Another option: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I always thought ..... " and list something you like about them or some way they've inspired you. It gives hope to see how others view you.

[Gailmegan]

Agreeing with PPs that you really have to take the person and the context into consideration. If it's true depression, then you should lovingly try to get that person help. If it's attention seeking like a certain narcissistic family member of mine then I usually pass the bean dip and don't give her the satisfaction. Although my SIL will tear into her and tell her to knock it off and get over herself. I really think discernment of what's behind the statements is really important. And if I don't know for sure that the person just wants attention, then I err on the side of caution and try to be encouraging.

[Peela]

I think it really depends on how connected I feel with the person. My son used to say he was stupid, a lot, and I felt that as his mother/and homeschooling teacher,that it was my job to make sure he heard from me that I felt he wasn't stupid at all and in fact was very capable. While at the same time, not giving his negativity too much attention.

Some people- I wouldn't feel I wanted to say anything- I wouldn't feel that it was worth my time or energy. I didnt have that role in their life.

But others..if I felt they are truly sharing how they felt with me and were opening up to me- I might feel to say something.

I would go on my inner response to it, rather than any preplanned ideas.

[texasmama]

"Don't talk to my sweet friend that way!", said with a smile.

[Night Elf]

I thought people were complimenting me to be nice; that was proven when I would see them compliment someone insincerely. Like, when someone does a poor job and then are complemented for that poor job. It's insincere. It has become a widespread societal problem.

 

This is a lesson my mother taught me. I was taught to say something nice or not say anything at all. But I was also taught that it's impolite to be quiet, so a compliment is good manners. From my point of view, that taught me that lying was not only perfectly acceptable but also expected. I had to learn which lies were good and which ones were bad because I was punished for lying in some cases. No wonder I am socially awkward. :tongue_smilie:

 

I think I need to have a discussion with my children about this topic. I've discussed social situations with my Aspie son, but I don't think I've particularly outlined social expectations to my daughters. This will make a really good family meeting discussion! My kids cringe (in a ha-ha funny way) when I call a family meeting. :D

[Stacy in NJ]

You can then express something positive you feel about them. It doesn't invalidate their feelings but does give them another perspective.

 

Just a thought.

[Night Elf]

"Don't talk to my sweet friend that way!", said with a smile.

 

Oh I love this! That would make me smile even if I were depressed.

[Cheryl in NM]

This is a lesson my mother taught me. I was taught to say something nice or not say anything at all. But I was also taught that it's impolite to be quiet, so a compliment is good manners. From my point of view, that taught me that lying was not only perfectly acceptable but also expected. I had to learn which lies were good and which ones were bad because I was punished for lying in some cases. No wonder I am socially awkward. :tongue_smilie:

 

I think I need to have a discussion with my children about this topic. I've discussed social situations with my Aspie son, but I don't think I've particularly outlined social expectations to my daughters. This will make a really good family meeting discussion! My kids cringe (in a ha-ha funny way) when I call a family meeting. :D

 

:iagree: Exactly! It's a duality that exists in our society! I think people used to be able to easily discern the difference, I think.

 

I've told my Ds that instead of giving an insincere compliment to find something nice to say, but not to lie. It's confusing and there are times I've just changed the subject or kept quiet, but it sure feels awkward! :blushing:

[texasmama]

Oh I love this! That would make me smile even if I were depressed.

 

:001_smile: I'm glad to hear this.

[Murphy101]

Wow. I didn't realize that people had had such strong opinions on what, for some, is an actual ISSUE, not attention-seeking behaviour. :001_huh:

 

I used to honestly think that people were not being genuine when complimenting me. And...I was so self-conscious about my weight that I felt the need to constantly 'apologize' for it.

 

I never realized that some people may have mistaken that for attention-seeking behaviour. It was exactly the opposite, an issue of self-esteem.....that became a habit until it was pointed out to me.

 

Me too. :001_huh: I was taught that being a bit self depreciating is somewhat of an effort to keep oneself humble. Also we live in this weird society where you are vain if you seem proud of yourself and sometimes people say nice things that aren't true and sometimes people say seemingly nice things that really aren't all that nice and sometimes people think they are giving you a compliment and you just don't feel you deserve it.

 

I don't have much patience for pity parties, drama, or attention seeking.

 

I guess to me the real question is why the OP keeps asking if she knows that is the response. I'd tell her if she thinks she is worthless and tells everyone she is worthless, she is choosing to sell herself cheap and to stop saying it or do something to change how she feels.

[PinkInTheBlue]

That's the game my MIL plays all the time. I just ignore it but it drives my husband up the wall. He just says "Oh stop it!. You're just playing games". LOL I think most people just use it as a way to get affirmations from others disagreeing with them. It's a freaky way of getting attention. I prefer to borderline ignore it and just look at them and change the topic or move on.

 

Keep in mind, almost all my experience with this is with someone playing games. Not someone really needing.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

"Don't talk to my sweet friend that way!", said with a smile.

 

 

That is a very kind way of pointing it out. :001_smile: