plansrme Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Hypothetically, if you: (1) had been unemployed for 16 months, though you got full (though relatively modest) pay for the first 10 months of that; (2) were a family of 4; (3) have a wife who is unable to work due to health issues;and (4) were having a very hard time finding new work. Assume further that a long-time friend wants to give you a substantial sum of money (let's say $5,000), that this friend is already paying your COBRA premiums (which could not be done anonymously) and that while you have been friends for many years, you are not the "let's hang out over beers tonight" kind of friends. So here (finally) is the question: would you want the gift to be done anonymously, or would you rather know where it came from? Thanks for your opinions. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacie Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 If I were to receive the gift, I'd want to know who it came from so I could either properly thank them or pay them back when I'm able. If I were to give the gift I'd want it to be anonymous and hope they would pay it forward when they are able. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Exactly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 If I were to receive the gift, I'd want to know who it came from so I could either properly thank them or pay them back when I'm able. If I were to give the gift I'd want it to be anonymous and hope they would pay it forward when they are able. :iagree: This, exactly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 anon. I would probably have an inkling of who it was, tho, and so would probably mention how kind it was, and that I wish I could thank that person. I know that's kinda weird--I guess I just don't want to feel obligated to that person.:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXMomof4 Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 anon. I would probably have an inkling of who it was, tho, and so would probably mention how kind it was, and that I wish I could thank that person. I know that's kinda weird--I guess I just don't want to feel obligated to that person.:001_huh: :iagree: Then I'd be looking for ways to pay it forward in anyway possible. I'd try be much more aware of blessing others if I'd be blessed with amazing gifts like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 Come on, that's not a consensus! I need a bright-line rule, a clear winner. I suppose, though, that the results so far should help me appreciate that, if it is given in the right spirit, neither way is wrong. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Well... if I were giving it, I'd absolutely go anon. I would want to help out, and would not want anyone to feel the slightest indebted, or awkward about it. I would want it to be viewed as a gift, a blessing, not a loan or obligation that they'd feel the weight from. I'd attach a note explaining that, and if they wanted to give thanks, to pay it forward. Random acts of kindness rock. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rafiki Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 anon. I would probably have an inkling of who it was, tho, and so would probably mention how kind it was, and that I wish I could thank that person. I know that's kinda weird--I guess I just don't want to feel obligated to that person.:001_huh: This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 How would one give an anonymous gift of this size? Someone might be suspicious of a $5k money order that mysteriously showed up in the mail. They might not think it was legit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 :iagree: Then I'd be looking for ways to pay it forward in anyway possible. I'd try be much more aware of blessing others if I'd be blessed with amazing gifts like that. Yup, I would want to pay it forward. Now if I was giving , it would be anon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 How would one give an anonymous gift of this size? Someone might be suspicious of a $5k money order that mysteriously showed up in the mail. They might not think it was legit. The logistics are covered either way. Basically, a go-between from church would deliver it. Hypothetically, of course. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beach Mom Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 How would one give an anonymous gift of this size? Someone might be suspicious of a $5k money order that mysteriously showed up in the mail. They might not think it was legit. A money order or cashier's check with a note that says something like "We hope this gift bless you" or some little note like that. As a wife of a DH who has been unemployed I would say anonymous is better. I think anonymous helps with the pride and obligation factors that can happen in these situations. I know when we received anonymous gift cards or a bag of groceries on our porch or something like that, it was as much about the blessing of knowing someone cared as it was about the actual gift. These gifts brought me to tears on many occasions and truly gave me the sense of the hand of God upon us. We have learned so much about blessing others from the way people have blessed us during DH's unemployment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 I'd want to give it through a church to the person (or other charity) so that it could be anonymous, but yet have an accountable party in the middle. (a benevolent fund with a direct donor?) Just a thought... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Anonymous. The person is already helping a TON. It would feel really awkward for that same person to gift a very needed amount of money like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoundAbout Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 How would one give an anonymous gift of this size? Someone might be suspicious of a $5k money order that mysteriously showed up in the mail. They might not think it was legit. Yes, $5K would be tough, but I remember my parents helping out another family anonymously and they left a wrapped gift box full of quarter rolls on their porch. Probably a few hundred dollars altogether. We knew the family well though and knew they would find some humor in it :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 A money order or cashier's check with a note that says something like "We hope this gift bless you" or some little note like that. As a wife of a DH who has been unemployed I would say anonymous is better. I think anonymous helps with the pride and obligation factors that can happen in these situations. I know when we received anonymous gift cards or a bag of groceries on our porch or something like that, it was as much about the blessing of knowing someone cared as it was about the actual gift. These gifts brought me to tears on many occasions and truly gave me the sense of the hand of God upon us. We have learned so much about blessing others from the way people have blessed us during DH's unemployment. That was very helpful. Can you mind sharing more about what people did that helped you? Is there something more helpful than cash (or check or money order--you know what I mean)? Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 Do you think that this is something on which men and women would, on average, feel differently? I ask because my husband is fairly certain that the potential hypothetical recipient would want to know who the donor was. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 anon. I would probably have an inkling of who it was, tho, and so would probably mention how kind it was, and that I wish I could thank that person. I know that's kinda weird--I guess I just don't want to feel obligated to that person.:001_huh: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunD Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 My husband would want to know, because he would be obsessed with "paying it back" and "proving himself" as a provider. I would not want to know, because I would rather just think of it as a gift from the heavens and try to pay it forward when I was able. I would be terribly embarrassed around the giver, so much so that I might not want to accept the gift. I think people just feel differently. My parents would be the opposite of us. My dad wouldn't want to know because he would freak out about "needing" to pay it back; if it wasn't anonymous he probably wouldn't accept it. My mom would love to know, and try to do little things as a service for the giver. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 I would be terribly embarrassed around the giver, so much so that I might not want to accept the gift. My parents would be the opposite of us. My dad wouldn't want to know because he would freak out about "needing" to pay it back; if it wasn't anonymous he probably wouldn't accept it. This. Voting for anonymous. The times we have helped others in the past, we have gone out of our way to do so anonymously. 1. We didn't want the person to feel embarassed or a need to repay. 2. As Christians, since we were motivated by love to help, we knew that anonymously the thanks would go to God instead of ourselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilovemy4kids Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Nope, wouldn't want to know who it was from....It would make me feel awkward...... I'd rather it be anonymous with a note that said something like...when you are able, just do something kind for someone else in need..... Speaking from experience of being on the receiving end....... Sandra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beach Mom Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 My husband would want to know, because he would be obsessed with "paying it back" and "proving himself" as a provider. :iagree:but this is exactly why anonymous is better. You have no choice but to accept it in the spirit it is given - as a gift. My husband is exactly the same way, but when the gifts were anonymous he couldn't pay them back and had to, in humility, accept that something was given in love and friendship by people who care about us. It was hard for him (ok both of us), but humility often is I think, and there is a lesson learned about graciously receiving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beach Mom Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 That was very helpful. Can you mind sharing more about what people did that helped you? Is there something more helpful than cash (or check or money order--you know what I mean)? Terri Cash was always helpful because it pays bills, but sometimes other things were a real blessing too. Gift cards to a pizza place allowed us to order pizza (no choice how to spend it) - it was something that meant a lot to the kids because we had cut all eating out from our budget. We know whoever gave it to us knew it would mean something to our kids and knew we wouldn't spend our money on pizza. At Christmas time, someone left us a bag of cookie making groceries - things I wouldn't have necessarily had in my food budget like sprinkles and chocolate chips. At Thanksgiving a couple people gave us their free grocery store turkeys which were a huge blessing as I could get so many meals and soup for the freezer from them. Someone noticed my daughter had grown significantly in a very short time and gave her a gift card for new clothes. A friend would call and say I am taking you out for a cup of coffee today, vent away, or a group of friends would say we are going out to lunch, join us, our treat - because they knew I couldn't and wouldn't go otherwise. By asking in this way they made it purposely harder to say no. These friends were my outlets for frustration and sadness that I didn't always want to share with DH because he felt burdened enough. Until DH's recent un and under employment we had never been receivers of such random acts of kindness - we were always in the giver role. But when the unemployment is extended, and the only job you can find is 75% less than your former income, it is so easy to get discouraged. I cannot overstate how the kindness shown to us by our friends, neighbors and church (much of it anonymous, some of it not) meant to DH and I. It didn't matter the size of the kindness, even a card in the mail that said someone was praying for us was so encouraging to me. There were times that I thought we could not stand one more day of it, and sometimes that would be a day that something appeared as if God was letting us know that His hand was upon us and He knew our troubles. It has also taught our kids about how to bless and care for others. Bless you for helping anyone in this situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 :iagree:but this is exactly why anonymous is better. You have no choice but to accept it in the spirit it is given - as a gift. My husband is exactly the same way, but when the gifts were anonymous he couldn't pay them back and had to, in humility, accept that something was given in love and friendship by people who care about us. It was hard for him (ok both of us), but humility often is I think, and there is a lesson learned about graciously receiving. Excellent point. I'll try this with my husband. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 Cash was always helpful because it pays bills, but sometimes other things were a real blessing too. Gift cards to a pizza place allowed us to order pizza (no choice how to spend it) - it was something that meant a lot to the kids because we had cut all eating out from our budget. We know whoever gave it to us knew it would mean something to our kids and knew we wouldn't spend our money on pizza. At Christmas time, someone left us a bag of cookie making groceries - things I wouldn't have necessarily had in my food budget like sprinkles and chocolate chips. At Thanksgiving a couple people gave us their free grocery store turkeys which were a huge blessing as I could get so many meals and soup for the freezer from them. Someone noticed my daughter had grown significantly in a very short time and gave her a gift card for new clothes. A friend would call and say I am taking you out for a cup of coffee today, vent away, or a group of friends would say we are going out to lunch, join us, our treat - because they knew I couldn't and wouldn't go otherwise. By asking in this way they made it purposely harder to say no. These friends were my outlets for frustration and sadness that I didn't always want to share with DH because he felt burdened enough. Until DH's recent un and under employment we had never been receivers of such random acts of kindness - we were always in the giver role. But when the unemployment is extended, and the only job you can find is 75% less than your former income, it is so easy to get discouraged. I cannot overstate how the kindness shown to us by our friends, neighbors and church (much of it anonymous, some of it not) meant to DH and I. It didn't matter the size of the kindness, even a card in the mail that said someone was praying for us was so encouraging to me. There were times that I thought we could not stand one more day of it, and sometimes that would be a day that something appeared as if God was letting us know that His hand was upon us and He knew our troubles. It has also taught our kids about how to bless and care for others. Bless you for helping anyone in this situation. Thanks for this. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TKDmom Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 (edited) I vote for an anonymous cashier's check. It could strain the relationship to have that large sum of money hanging over it. If the donor wants to leave a small hint about who he is, maybe a handwritten note could accompany the gift. A motivated person might be able to figure it out, especially if they are close friends. If the donor wants to remain completely anonymous, send it with a typed note. Edited April 18, 2011 by bonniebeth4 typo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 If the recipient really wants to thank the sender, he could send a thank-you letter through the intermediary. He would be expressing his feelings without destroying the anonymity of the gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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