WWYD? Found disturbing text messages on ds11's phone

[ktgrok]

My aspie son and I have some major blow ups. Today he refused to believe his stepfather that there were no ramen noodles left at Walgreens, so he bought a different brand of noodle. He refused to listen to him, told him that he KNEW there were some there (impossible to know), and walked off when his stepfather was talking to him. I stepped in and made him stay there, and he tried to push by me. I ended up restraining him for a minute at which point he knocked over two chairs by kicking them. I explained the noodle situation, explained that his stepfather tried his best, explained that he has to listen to adults, that he can't storm off, and if I tell him to stay he had better gosh darn stay! He was then sent to his room where he packed a bag as if he was leaving. At that point I took his phone, as he has previously tried to call or text his father to get him on his side. I checked the texts, and there were none in the in box, but plenty in the sent box. Most were to a "Natasha". I don't know Natasha, I've never heard of her. The rest were to two boys that I do know, that are over here a lot. Most said things like "where are you?" Or, "meet me at the park." Innocent enough. One indicated that the boys were telling Natasha that ds11 said he "liked her" and he was denying it. Ok, typical stuff. But what disturbed me were two other messages. One said, "Tell him he dies tomorrow, so enjoy today." I'm assuming this was a joke?? The worst was "F U Suck it! Wait, you can't, your jaw broke on it." This is my little boy writing this!!!!! What do I do?

 

As for his behavior he was supposed to have a friend come over afterschool and I was going to take them to the Science Center. When the boy got here I called his mom and explained that Michael was in trouble and she came and got her son. So not having his friend over is punishment for that.

 

But what do I do about the texts? I haven't mentioned it yet, as I don't want to confuse it with the defiance and other behavior. And I want to be able to really talk to him about it, and why that language isn't ok, etc. I want to know what is going on, and who this girl is, and why I haven't ever seen her. (usually the kids play on our street or the next, or at the park that is between the two -- all within shouting distance..and I've never seen her.)

 

help!

[SailorMom]

It's tough. Before texts and emails - parents were unable to even see this stuff - as it was all paper notes at school. There is a fine line to walk here, especially as they get older.

However, in my humble opinion, at 11 yo's you still have "snooping" rights. Honestly, I'd take the phone away for a while (I don't know how long....), and then disable texting for at least 3 months. In our house, the phone and texting are not rights and can be taken away at any time.

I would discuss the alarming texts after you have had more time to process, and be very "matter of fact" and non-emotional about it: It is simply not acceptable, it is considered cyber-bullying, and people are even being prosecuted by the law. The language and tone are not allowed verbally or in writing, etc., etc.

:grouphug:

[Jan in SC]

Has anyone else had access to his phone?

[SailorMom]

Has anyone else had access to his phone?

 

 

Oh - good question! Hadn't even thought of that.....

[ktgrok]

Good points, both about being unemotional and that someone else could have accessed his phone. I know that not all of his friends have phones, so one of them could have used my son's.

[RanchGirl]

Honestly, I'd take the phone away for a while (I don't know how long....), and then disable texting for at least 3 months. In our house, the phone and texting are not rights and can be taken away at any time.

I would discuss the alarming texts after you have had more time to process, and be very "matter of fact" and non-emotional about it: It is simply not acceptable

 

:iagree: The above is exactly how I would handle the phone thing. Regarding the blow up with the noodles and step-father, are you seeing an OT that could help you work through these types of behavior issues?

[myfunnybunch]

I would take the phone. I'd do it as calmly as possible. I have a dd with HFA and she feeds off of my frustration or anger, so I try to stay as neutral as possible when presenting consequences. When I stay even and calm, she is able to respnd better to my words instead of my emotional state.

 

I'd wait until he calmed down to discuss the content of the texts. My dd responds very well to joining language like, "How can we work together to resolve this?" or "I'm concerned about ____, let's talk. What's going on?"

 

In the future (I know you didn't ask, but I'll throw it out there anyway), I'd probably not insist he stay if he tries to walk away. It is incredibly disrespectful to walk off while someone is talking, but for a child with asperger's in an already volatile emotional state, you want to keep him from escalating. You can continue the discussion about respect and such after he's calmed. And believe me, I offer this as a voice of experience. When my dd is in a volatile state, she cannot be reasoned with anyway, so giving her some time and space to settle helps us all. I know I wasn't there in the moment and I also want you to know this is said with a tone of btdt, not judgement. I found that waiting until my dd is able to be more receptive...the conversations still aren't easy, but at least they don't escalate into something more troubling. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[Joanne]

Noodle incident:

 

Please know that I am in a blended family. I have a child who spent 2-3 years "reporting" to his Dad when I (or, especially his step Dad) did something the child didn't like. All that to say - I understand! That said, I would have recommended disengagement from the noodle discussion. "Eat these or not" would have been the end of it.

 

Texting:

 

I would encourage you to not freak. :chillpill: 11 year old boys experiement with shocking, graphic language. It happens. Don't generalize or catastrophize what it might mean. :grouphug: That said, having a phone is a privilege directly related to communication and language. If your communication and language is not appropriate, the phone goes away.

 

And I've BTDT on both of these! Including the engaging when, upon distance, I realize "duh", the misery was of my own making.

[Tree House Academy]

The worst was "F U Suck it! Wait, you can't, your jaw broke on it." This is my little boy writing this!!!!! What do I do?

 

My 11 y/o son does not have a cell phone. He will not have a cell phone until he can drive a car because he has no need for a cell phone. I think I would take your son's phone and not give it back. I don't like how secretive a child can be in those sorts of messages without a parent's knowledge.

[ktgrok]

My 11 y/o son does not have a cell phone. He will not have a cell phone until he can drive a car because he has no need for a cell phone. I think I would take your son's phone and not give it back. I don't like how secretive a child can be in those sorts of messages without a parent's knowledge.

 

ugh. He will get the phone back, BUT my husband has used the parental controls so that the only people he can call/receive calls from are he and myself.

 

The secrecy and such bother me more. I want to move to a neighborhood where the other kids are raised differently. I am the strictest parent in the neighborhood by far it seems. I am the only one that expects my son to do chores, be in at a decent hour, have a bedtime, etc. Oh, and none of the other kids got to church.

[Cindyz]

ugh. He will get the phone back, BUT my husband has used the parental controls so that the only people he can call/receive calls from are he and myself.

 

The secrecy and such bother me more. I want to move to a neighborhood where the other kids are raised differently. I am the strictest parent in the neighborhood by far it seems. I am the only one that expects my son to do chores, be in at a decent hour, have a bedtime, etc. Oh, and none of the other kids got to church.

 

I like your plan with the phone. I'm so scared because my son is only 6, but I can't see him having a phone when he's 11, and I definitely can't see him being allowed to text at 11. I know that things change as our own children mature, but this is what scares me!

 

I agree about disengaging over the noodles. My husband has a tendency to want to stand and argue and be RIGHT. I have to tell him all the time. State the facts, state the consequence and that's it. The child chooses his behavior and therefore chooses the consequence. What is there to argue about?

 

Btw, I don't know if you were insinuating that the other parents were less strict because they don't go to church, but I would not make that assumption. We do not attend church and I can assure you that I will probably be as strict as you (or moreso) when my son turns 11.

[Cindyz]

Oh and I wanted to add that I would DEFINITELY explore the "die" comment found on the phone. I would want to know who he was talking to, who it was about, and why. If the wrong person found a text like that, your son could end up in some very serious trouble.

[ktgrok]

I like your plan with the phone. I'm so scared because my son is only 6, but I can't see him having a phone when he's 11, and I definitely can't see him being allowed to text at 11. I know that things change as our own children mature, but this is what scares me!

 

I agree about disengaging over the noodles. My husband has a tendency to want to stand and argue and be RIGHT. I have to tell him all the time. State the facts, state the consequence and that's it. The child chooses his behavior and therefore chooses the consequence. What is there to argue about?

 

Btw, I don't know if you were insinuating that the other parents were less strict because they don't go to church, but I would not make that assumption. We do not attend church and I can assure you that I will probably be as strict as you (or moreso) when my son turns 11.

 

Oh, sorry, no I didn't mean that parents that don't take the kids to church are less strict. I meant that it was just one more thing that I make him do that other kids don't have to do.

 

Katie

[Cindyz]

Oh, sorry, no I didn't mean that parents that don't take the kids to church are less strict. I meant that it was just one more thing that I make him do that other kids don't have to do.

 

Katie

 

 

That's what I thought, but wasn't sure. :grouphug:

[snipsnsnailsx5]

The first thing I'd do is take away all texting. Texting is just scary these days for kids - the things they can see/read on texts...you just never know unless you are always watching their texts.

Then I'd be taking away some other privileges like being allowed to go hang out with friends unsupervised, until he can prove to you that he's being responsible.

 

With my DS 12, he's not allowed a cell phone at all (but I know that every family has their own rules!). But with any sort of disobedient behavior, if he abuses a privilege then he loses it. Or if he disobeys, he loses a privilege.

 

:grouphug:

[MBM]

Does your son have an impartial *ear* to listen to him? A trustworthy pastor or counselor maybe? It sounds like he is occasionally at loggerheads with you and his stepfather. Someone who can listen calmly and offer constructive advice for all of you (besides Joanne and the rest of the hive ;) ) can be immensely helpful for the whole family. You might be doing this already, but I thought I'd just throw it out there to consider.

[ktgrok]

The first thing I'd do is take away all texting. Texting is just scary these days for kids - the things they can see/read on texts...you just never know unless you are always watching their texts.

Then I'd be taking away some other privileges like being allowed to go hang out with friends unsupervised, until he can prove to you that he's being responsible.

 

With my DS 12, he's not allowed a cell phone at all (but I know that every family has their own rules!). But with any sort of disobedient behavior, if he abuses a privilege then he loses it. Or if he disobeys, he loses a privilege.

 

:grouphug:

 

Here is my issue, was he even being "disobedient"? I mean, I never specifically said "don't make vulgar comments via text" you know? So I'm not even sure how to frame why I am upset. I guess I need help with that. I do think I can ask him what he thinks would happen if the girl's father read that...relate it to how he would feel if someone some day texted that to his sister.

 

i don't want him to grow up!

 

As for the earlier behavior...he'd been egging us on all day. However, I think he is getting sick. He actually fell asleep on the couch, which he only does when he is sick, and earlier he complained of a sore throat. The baby was sick yesterday, and I have a sinus headache. Not an excuse, but a factor.

 

He did go see a counselor just last week, and starts a social skills group that includes working on anger management on Monday.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Here is my issue, was he even being "disobedient"? I mean, I never specifically said "don't make vulgar comments via text" you know? So I'm not even sure how to frame why I am upset. I guess I need help with that. I do think I can ask him what he thinks would happen if the girl's father read that...relate it to how he would feel if someone some day texted that to his sister.

 

i don't want him to grow up!

 

As for the earlier behavior...he'd been egging us on all day. However, I think he is getting sick. He actually fell asleep on the couch, which he only does when he is sick, and earlier he complained of a sore throat. The baby was sick yesterday, and I have a sinus headache. Not an excuse, but a factor.

 

He did go see a counselor just last week, and starts a social skills group that includes working on anger management on Monday.

 

Texting is a form of communication. My kids know that any kind of rude or vulgar communication is not allowed. But I don't know if he makes that kind of generalizations or what your general rules are for acceptable language.

[Alicia64]

In the future (I know you didn't ask, but I'll throw it out there anyway), I'd probably not insist he stay if he tries to walk away. It is incredibly disrespectful to walk off while someone is talking, but for a child with asperger's in an already volatile emotional state, you want to keep him from escalating. You can continue the discussion about respect and such after he's calmed. And believe me, I offer this as a voice of experience. When my dd is in a volatile state, she cannot be reasoned with anyway, so giving her some time and space to settle helps us all. I know I wasn't there in the moment and I also want you to know this is said with a tone of btdt, not judgement. I found that waiting until my dd is able to be more receptive...the conversations still aren't easy, but at least they don't escalate into something more troubling. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Dh has Aspergers and I couldn't agree more w/ this post. I wouldn't attempt to hold an Aspie child to a standard of "not walking away." They need to walk away.

 

Also, I can totally see the noodle situation happening between me and dh! Not exactly, but something like it. He LOVES/INSISTS ON being right!!!

 

May I just say that I have empathy for your dh. I hope he's reading as much as he can find on Aspergers.

 

Last, I wouldn't have given him a phone in the first place. I don't think kids need them. Now I would definitely take it away.

 

Btw, the "boys will be boys" excuse really doesn't fly with me. It's an insult to boys.

 

Take care,

 

Alley

[Tammyla]

I'd take the phone away for a few weeks and the next plan would not include texting.

 

Eleven is pretty young for a phone to me, and a parent should be checking appropriateness and ensuring their safety. I'm thinking you pay the bills, your the parent and your responsible, so they get privileges not blanket rights. You love them and you gotta take care of em, even when it isn't easy.:grouphug:

[AK_Mom4]

Here is my issue, was he even being "disobedient"? I mean, I never specifically said "don't make vulgar comments via text" you know? So I'm not even sure how to frame why I am upset. I guess I need help with that. I do think I can ask him what he thinks would happen if the girl's father read that...relate it to how he would feel if someone some day texted that to his sister.

 

I have found that I needed to be pretty explicit with my kids about what sort of expressions were not allowed in text messages. After a couple of incidents, I had to lay out specifically: no profanity, no sexual comments, if you would not say it to your mom, etc. I *think* it's because the text medium is so condusive to slang and shorthand, but I'm not sure. And no - my kids do not normally swear. period.

 

BTW - no problem here with an 11yo with a phone. I just think you need to read the text messages daily for a while and (when he is calm) line out SPECIFICALLY what is acceptable when he is texting friends. It seems like you have to correct them a few times before it sinks in that they lose the phone if they break the rules - YWIM?

[ktgrok]

I have found that I needed to be pretty explicit with my kids about what sort of expressions were not allowed in text messages. After a couple of incidents, I had to lay out specifically: no profanity, no sexual comments, if you would not say it to your mom, etc. I *think* it's because the text medium is so condusive to slang and shorthand, but I'm not sure. And no - my kids do not normally swear. period.

 

BTW - no problem here with an 11yo with a phone. I just think you need to read the text messages daily for a while and (when he is calm) line out SPECIFICALLY what is acceptable when he is texting friends. It seems like you have to correct them a few times before it sinks in that they lose the phone if they break the rules - YWIM?

 

I love the "if you wouldn't say it to your mom" idea! That is perfect. And like your son I have never ever heard him swear. He said **** once when he was 3, and that was the end of it, lol. And yes, I will tell him that from now on I will be reading them.

[ktgrok]

Texting is a form of communication. My kids know that any kind of rude or vulgar communication is not allowed. But I don't know if he makes that kind of generalizations or what your general rules are for acceptable language.

 

No, he doesn't generalize well at all. I guess that is an Aspie thing. I was naive not to make strict rules as to what is and is not acceptable.

 

Katie

[Jean in Newcastle]

No, he doesn't generalize well at all. I guess that is an Aspie thing. I was naive not to make strict rules as to what is and is not acceptable.

 

Katie

 

Well, now you know. You only really found one really bad text from him and even that it sounds like you found right away. Don't beat yourself up.

[Night Elf]

In the future (I know you didn't ask, but I'll throw it out there anyway), I'd probably not insist he stay if he tries to walk away. It is incredibly disrespectful to walk off while someone is talking, but for a child with asperger's in an already volatile emotional state, you want to keep him from escalating.

 

:iagree: I have a child with aspergers and there is no such thing as reasoning when he is in a highly emotional state. As an extremely introverted individual, and I am personally the same way, getting out of the high stress situation in order to calm down is VERY important. Neither he nor I do it to be disrespectful, it's a self-preservation thing. It's a coping skill we've learned from a few different counselors.

[ktgrok]

Well, now you know. You only really found one really bad text from him and even that it sounds like you found right away. Don't beat yourself up.

 

Thanks. When I talked to him he said that the girl had his phone and texted herself as a joke...I'm not sure I believe that, but I'm not going to push it at this point. We had a talk about how text messages are NEVER truly private, and not using language or sending messages that he wouldn't want his sister to receive. The phone is locked down for the time being.

[Trish]

Eh, I wouldn't make an angry child "stay," that's just inviting the confrontation to get worse. Let him go and cool off.

[Shawna in Texas]

The thing that bothered me most about the texting was that you didn't know who Natasha was. We've had frank discussions around here about texting behavior and I've told dd realistically that I can't monitor everything she says, nor would I want to. I did tell her that every time she texts, her friend's parents or siblings may read it. I told her I did not want any phone calls. :D I imagine most of her racier conversations are by phone. Another thing, if that last text was to a girl (not trying to be sexist, but just imagining if our make-believe son received this, DH would probably not be terribly bothered, but with our daughter...), that it could have been read by her parents or siblings.

[Halftime Hope]

I love the "if you wouldn't say it to your mom" idea! That is perfect. And like your son I have never ever heard him swear. He said **** once when he was 3, and that was the end of it, lol. And yes, I will tell him that from now on I will be reading them.

 

You should know that text messages can be deleted, so you may never get a chance to see what he writes. he may not know that he can delete them for awhile, but it is certain that if he doesn't figure it out, a friend will be sure to enlighten him.