Anyone dealing with an elderly parent with dementia?

[Abbeygurl4]

My mom has dementia and I finally had to put her in a nursing home. I've lived through the "teenager-hood" of 4 girls which I now consider a walk in the park compared to dealing with a widowed elderly parent. Just wondering if anyone else is dealing with this. It would be nice to have someone to talk to.

 

Ann

[Chelle in MO]

I'm so sorry, Ann. I don't have experience w/that yet, but I can imagine it being worse than teenagers--even as challenging as they can be!

 

:grouphug:

[myfatherslily]

My mom is going through that right now with my grandma, who lives with her. I know it's been difficult. :grouphug:

[amy g.]

My mother-in-law has really declined mentally in the past year. Fortunately, she has one son who lives with her and takes care of her, and another son who lives in the same town and helps out. They also hired a private nurse who is with her anytime both of her sons are busy.It's so sad.

 

My Grandmother kept her mental faculties until she died at the age of 99, and my dad was completely himself just moments before his death. Still I'm afraid of dementia. I believe that the anesthesia my MIL had for a voluntary hernia surgery really hastened her decline. I sure won't be having any optional surgery done.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can not imagine how painful it must be.

[sewingmama]

No but I worked in a nursing home and saw how difficult it is for families to deal with.

 

My DH's grandmother is in hospital right now being assessed for a nursing home because of her worsening dementia. My DH is beside himself when he calls her and she doesn't know who he is -he was her favourite grandson. My MIL was caring for both her and her very elderly father and cannot cope anymore as she is starting to have her own health troubles. It is really difficult for her to have her mother call her and beg her to take her home from the "place where they are killling her".

 

:grouphug:

[OrganicAnn]

My grandmother had dementia, so I saw that one generation removed. I think one thing that is difficult but you must remember is that person you knew as your mom may be gone. She may not remember you, she may have personality changes and it that aspect will take a toll on you. You goal is to make her days as happy and comfortable as possible.

 

We tried to get family to send cards, because mail call can be a highlight of the day. Also get old pictures of family. A person with dementia may not remember what you look like now, but will remember what you looked like at 8 years old. Or will enjoy looking at pictures of their parents.

 

Also make sure you don't over stress yourself. Give yourself a break now and then. It is difficult.

 

Also get help from siblings if you can. My grandmother would do anything my dad asked her to do, but she would not do anything my aunt (her daughter) asked her to do. So my dad was in charge of asking my grandmother to do certain things. I really helps if siblings can work together and help each other.

 

When my grandmother had dementia one day she looked at me and said "you look exactly like my mother" to me. You never know you will experience. Everyone is different.

[Harriet Vane]

We've been coping with this with my grandma for years. It didn't help that dysfunctional family members chose to live in denial about her condition for many years. :glare: Grandma is currently living with her daughter but will be transitioning into a nursing home this summer.

 

We also dealt with this with my aunt (more like my big sister than an aunt). She had a brain tumor with significant brain damage, and it was a sad, sad day when she transitioned into a nursing home. She did cope, however, and even became a favorite at there, with lots of friends and lots of activities, so it ended up okay for her.

[mom2scouts]

My FIL was widowed when he got Alzheimer's and it was very difficult. There are so many difficult emotions as well as practical considerations. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[m0mmaBuck]

My dad had Alzheimers and Parkinsons. My mom kept him at home (they actually moved from the farm into an apartment for a while so it would be easier to keep track of him) for as long as she could before she finally could no longer handle him by herself (he was 84 and she was 80). It was really hard.

[Guest momk2000]

My mother is experiencing memory issues and I have seen a significant change in her over this past year. It is so difficult as she seems to be in denial about what is going on, and she lives alone. I talk to her on the phone everyday and sometimes I will take the girls and we will spend a night or two at her house.

I am worried that I will have some very difficult decisions to make in the near future. We have tried to encourage her to move to a retirement community (not d/t the memory issue, but just to make her life easier). I would so much rather see her make the decision to make a move on her own, than to get to the point where we have to make that decision for her. When I try to discuss my concerns with her, she becomes a bit defensive and doesn't want to talk about it.

I so understand where you are. With all of the trials I have had in my life, I think this has to be the most difficult. :grouphug:

[nono]

Yes, my Mom has some dementia and is in a nursing home. My Dad got released from the hospital to that nursing home for hospice care a couple years ago, and managed to get my Mom as his roommate. Then he died. My Mom at the time was recovering from a stroke.

 

It's been a long few years. My sister, who lives closer, and is the oldest, took the brunt of handling everything associated with their affairs. I helped where I could, but being a couple hours away and raising two young ones, well...it's not been a picture perfect situation.

 

I just went the longest time ever without seeing my Mom -- 3 months. She's very happy where she is, and we had a very good visit, which was lovely. My Grandmother had dementia too, so my sister and I are next in line. :) It doesn't really scare me though, since I've seen it so much in my life. I guess I'm used to the inconsistency it deals up...

Edited March 7, 2011 by nono
clarification, as usual!

[Journey]

Yes, my mom has dementia. It is both "fun" and very, very, very sad at the same time. Sad because I know my mom is in her final years and that scares me more than I can even say. I can't even imagine what it will be like with her not here. Fun because she is actually fun! She is like a little kid now really. She doesn't remember anything short term, like what she had for dinner 5 minutes ago but she can remember very much from years previous. My dad (84) mom is 85 is doing very, very well and is incredibly healthy, praise the Lord. My 23 year old daughter has moved in with them to help my dad with my mom. I know they see way more than I do but I feel like my mom is doing very well. I am so happy that she is able to be in her own home. She goes to adult daycare 3 days a week and loves it. That same daughter volunteers there too. For about 3 years before my mom starting losing her memory was awful to be around. She was so mean and I think it was because she knew she was getting older and losing her memory and that must have been very scary for her. Now she is never in a bad mood, jokes like crazy and really does act like a little kid. I'm glad for her. My dad keeps saying that she has Alzheimers (that is what her doctor says she has) but I don't believe it, not one bit. She is old and her memory is going, but she isn't doing any of the Alzheimer things that I've heard people to do.

[Peela]

My mum has one through it with my granma- it was a relief to finally get her into a very, good nursing home, where she has now finally lost memory of pretty much all of us- she is 90. The years before she went to the nursing home were so stressful for mum who has a lot of chronic health issues. The insanity of dealing with a person who is starting to lose it but can hold it together enough to convince others that they arent- was so, so hard for mum. I feel for you.

[myfatherslily]

Can I ask you all a question? I posted earlier that my grandma is going through this. I love her dearly and grew up with her living upstairs from me. We now live 1,000 miles apart and I can't be much help to my mom:(

 

Anyway, I was chatting with Grandma on the phone today. In the last few months she's started talking about her sisters and her mother who passed away at least 30 years ago. Today she said her oldest sister was there visiting. I try to go along with it briefly by simply not saying much, then I change the subject. Is that the best thing I should do? Should I instead just "live the moment" with her? I don't see that it would help any to tell her that her sister (or mother) has been dead for decades. I'm just not sure what to say when she says that the deceased sister is visiting, that her deceased mother isn't doing well, that her living sister can't come see her because of non-existent rules at her apartment when I know that her sister does come from time to time, or when she says, "So you'll be having visitors soon!" when just a few minutes earlier we chatted, at her initiation, about the visitors (my parents) that were already here.

 

What is the best way to respond?

[OrganicAnn]

Anyway, I was chatting with Grandma on the phone today. In the last few months she's started talking about her sisters and her mother who passed away at least 30 years ago. Today she said her oldest sister was there visiting. I try to go along with it briefly by simply not saying much, then I change the subject. Is that the best thing I should do? Should I instead just "live the moment" with her? I don't see that it would help any to tell her that her sister (or mother) has been dead for decades. I'm just not sure what to say when she says that the deceased sister is visiting, that her deceased mother isn't doing well, that her living sister can't come see her because of non-existent rules at her apartment when I know that her sister does come from time to time, or when she says, "So you'll be having visitors soon!" when just a few minutes earlier we chatted, at her initiation, about the visitors (my parents) that were already here.

 

What is the best way to respond?

 

 

I would say that on days you don't feel like talking about it, then just change the subject. Otherwise, maybe ask her open ended questions like "Well how is she?" or "What has she been up to?" She may be mixing up someone else with her relative or she may be remembering some time in the past.

[Mejane]

It would be nice to have someone to talk to.

 

 

 

I would urge you to contact your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association. They have support groups for caregivers. :grouphug:

[Mejane]

I try to go along with it briefly by simply not saying much, then I change the subject. Is that the best thing I should do? Should I instead just "live the moment" with her? I don't see that it would help any to tell her that her sister (or mother) has been dead for decades.

 

You are absolutely right, and are handling it in a loving and kind way. I worked with elderly dementia patients for many years, and this was exactly the way we handled it and encouraged families to handle it.

[myfatherslily]

I would say that on days you don't feel like talking about it, then just change the subject. Otherwise, maybe ask her open ended questions like "Well how is she?" or "What has she been up to?" She may be mixing up someone else with her relative or she may be remembering some time in the past.

 

[/b]

 

You are absolutely right, and are handling it in a loving and kind way. I worked with elderly dementia patients for many years, and this was exactly the way we handled it and encouraged families to handle it.

 

Thank you:)

[G5052]

It's a long story, but my dealing with this started four years ago and along the way my paths have crossed with Adult Protective Services, DMV, various lawyers, various doctors, the police, various facility staff members, and yes, the folks at the state mental hospital.

 

In our case, the dementia has been extremely ugly and violent. The person is no longer mobile and cannot make phone calls, so the aggravation and danger to people other than the staff is thankfully over. From all I've been told, they do reasonably well as long as there are no visitors at all, and they have no memories of their life past age 18 or so.

 

The most painful part of it is of course around the holidays and when people ask me, "When are you going to see X?" I don't think they want to know. That level of rage and violence is way beyond most people's experience, and only the professionals can deal with X at this point.

 

Seriously though, be gentle on yourself. Seek every caregiver support you can get including counselling if you need it.

Edited March 7, 2011 by GVA

[BeckyFL]

I went through it all with my precious mom. I too had to place her in an assisted living home. It was VERY difficult since my dad was trying to care for her (and he wasn't 100 percent either). She was there for 9 mos and fell. From there she went into the hospital, then to skilled nursing rehab, back to assisted living, back in the hospital with an infection, back to skilled nursing and she just passed away a year ago last month.

It was so very stressful. I felt so bad for her. My mom was a very intelligent lady. It was just heartbreaking to watch and my dad did not handle things well at all. He's still having lots of problems and currently staying with me most of the time. He has said over and over again for years, "Don't ever put me in a home" and I'm praying that I never have to. But he is slipping. I really pray that God will take him home before he would ever get to that point and I know that would be his wish too. All I can think of is PLEASE don't let the process start again!

[heart'sjoy]

For us it was like a living death. You want so much to help and there is so little you can do. It is awful feeling so helpless with someone you love.

 

It helped to get on the Alzheimers forum where people were discussing what crisis they were currently dealing with.

 

I had to be satisfied with meeting family member's physical needs like a disinterested but respectful third party. The relationship died long before my familly member, yet you can't really grieve because you are so involved taking care of them. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[ks-sunflower]

I took care of my 93 year old mil with dementia for 10 months in our home. We had removed her from assisted living because she needed more care than they could provide, but we couldn't bring ourselves to put her in a nursing home. However, after 10 months of caring for her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, we were stressed out and exhausted. So, mil is now in a nursing home. She doesn't really know the difference since most days she wasn't sure who we all were anyway! The nursing home has a large staff and takes good care of her. Come to think of it, she has CNA's 24 hours a day, a dietary staff, a nurse, housekeeping, and a doctor, plus activity director and outings! Phew, I'm exhausted just thinking about how we did all this with a "staff" of 2.

[Laurie in Life]

Ann, I was very closely involved in my dad's Alzheimer's/dementia journey, so I have a pretty good sense of what you might be feeling. It was very, very difficult to watch my dad fade out. Some days, it was like adding another preschooler to the mix (I had 2 of them already) and those were some of the times we could actually chuckle about. Other days were just plain harder, emotionally. I talked on more than one occasion with our local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association and they were always very helpful. If you have one near you, it's worthwhile to make the contact. Otherwise, pm me. I'll do my best to answer what questions I can. My dad has since passed, but (ironically), there is very little of the whole experience that I've forgotten. Best wishes to you and your mom.