sparrow Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 My husband's best friend passed away in November. He had some health problems, but it was completely unexpected. My husband really struggled the first few weeks after his death and it still affects him quite a bit. We are also close with his friend's wife. We haven't seen her since the funeral and were planning on getting together with the kids in a few weeks. She just sent us a message asking if she could bring her boyfriend :001_huh:. My husband is feeling really uncomfortable about this. She may be ready to move on (:001_huh:), but my husband isn't there yet. Of course we want her to be happy, but it doesn't seem like she's stopped long enough to grieve. She's really been burning the candle at both ends. Judging by another FB exchange she and her sister are on the outs over this, too. Isn't FB great :glare:? So, how would you handle this? We want to see our friend and her kids, but a visit with her new boyfriend? Ugh. Seriously, we're just in shock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hana Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 If it were me.... I would try to accept that people grieve in different ways. That she already has a new boyfriend does not mean she isn't grieving. If I weren't ready to meet the new boyfriend, I would say so. She asked; I would be honest in my response. (She may choose to cancel; are you willing to accept that if it happens?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 My husband's best friend passed away in November. He had some health problems, but it was completely unexpected. My husband really struggled the first few weeks after his death and it still affects him quite a bit. We are also close with his friend's wife. We haven't seen her since the funeral and were planning on getting together with the kids in a few weeks. She just sent us a message asking if she could bring her boyfriend :001_huh:. My husband is feeling really uncomfortable about this. She may be ready to move on (:001_huh:), but my husband isn't there yet. Of course we want her to be happy, but it doesn't seem like she's stopped long enough to grieve. She's really been burning the candle at both ends. Judging by another FB exchange she and her sister are on the outs over this, too. Isn't FB great :glare:? So, how would you handle this? We want to see our friend and her kids, but a visit with her new boyfriend? Ugh. Seriously, we're just in shock. Maybe ask her if you can see her and the kids alone first and then meet the boyfriend in a different situation/later date? This is going to be tough for your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoyfulMama Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 If it were me.... I would try to accept that people grieve in different ways. That she already has a new boyfriend does not mean she isn't grieving. If I weren't ready to meet the new boyfriend, I would say so. She asked; I would be honest in my response. (She may choose to cancel; are you willing to accept that if it happens?) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 My husband's best friend passed away in November. He had some health problems, but it was completely unexpected. My husband really struggled the first few weeks after his death and it still affects him quite a bit. We are also close with his friend's wife. We haven't seen her since the funeral and were planning on getting together with the kids in a few weeks. She just sent us a message asking if she could bring her boyfriend :001_huh:. My husband is feeling really uncomfortable about this. She may be ready to move on (:001_huh:), but my husband isn't there yet. Of course we want her to be happy, but it doesn't seem like she's stopped long enough to grieve. She's really been burning the candle at both ends. Judging by another FB exchange she and her sister are on the outs over this, too. Isn't FB great :glare:? So, how would you handle this? We want to see our friend and her kids, but a visit with her new boyfriend? Ugh. Seriously, we're just in shock. Dear x, we have been so looking forward to a visit with you and the kids, right now we'd rather focus our energies and attention on you and the children instead of meeting someone new. Can we meet your boyfriend at another time? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LidiyaDawn Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 She may be ready to move on (:001_huh:), but my husband isn't there yet. Of course we want her to be happy, but it doesn't seem like she's stopped long enough to grieve. She's really been burning the candle at both ends. Judging by another FB exchange she and her sister are on the outs over this, too. If you truly want your friend to be happy, then I would suggest letting her make her own choices without any " :001_huh: " She is choosing, for HERSELF, to be in a relationship with a new person...she isn't choosing to give your husband a replacement best friend... know what I mean? I think those things need to be separated from each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 That sounds really tricky. I can understand why your DH would be uncomfortable about seeing his best friend's wife with another guy. But.. sorry to state the obvious and I know it must hurt to know it, but it isn't wrong, exactly, for her to be with someone else, is it? It could be that this new fellow is a fantastic help to her when she would otherwise probably be very lonely. I'm just trying to see this in a happier light, I guess. Sometimes a good friend comes along, but it's a bad time in life to develop a new friendship. Do you push that person away and risk them disappearing from your life, or do you make the effort to see where that friendship will go? I'm just thinking that maybe this new guy is a good person for her, but the timing isn't the best. IMO, if you can cope with it, I think it would be great if you could meet this new boyfriend and try to get to know him, for your friend's sake. Grief takes many forms, and however well (or otherwise) she is coping, I'm sure she would appreciate your support. HTH - do let us know how it works out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 :grouphug: I would accept her where he is even though it is hard for you and let the boyfriend come. There is not a graceful way to express that you don't want to see him. I lost a family member several years ago and another family member did something similar. It broke my heart, but I didn't ever address it. In time, the family member's behavior evened out and it all worked out fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 What kind of get together is this? A day in the park?, overnight? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 My uncle remarried 2X after his wives died. And the remarks were many. I know the first time, he remarried within 6 mos. Not sure about the 2nd time, but I suspect it was similar. He just couldn't live without a wife. And the marriages worked. His 2nd wife died, and he just passed, still married to his 3rd wife. I don't know the exact circumstances, but your friend may be in the same boat. She just may not be able to go one without a partner, especially if she was a homemaker. I am a homemaker and mother, and if my DH were to pass, I'd be totally lost. I wouldn't even know how to do SO MUCH that needs to be done. Like i said, I don't know her, her circumstances or lifestyle, but just thought I'd throw out a different perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 If you truly want your friend to be happy, then I would suggest letting her make her own choices without any " :001_huh: " She is choosing, for HERSELF, to be in a relationship with a new person...she isn't choosing to give your husband a replacement best friend... know what I mean? I think those things need to be separated from each other. :iagree: This. At what point will your dh be able to accept another man in this lady's life? It really isn't his call to make. The only polite thing you can do is decline the invitation without stating why. "I'm sorry we won't be able to get together then. Thank you for asking." Or "I'm sorry. I just realized a conflicting engagement." Anything else will be offensive to her. Then just try to schedule something when the boyfriend is working. ETA: Something else to think about. If this lady is already dating, she probably isn't going to want to sit around commiserating with your dh about their mutual loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 If your husband just can't handle it, I think you should lie. Seriously. I hate lying, but there is no way I would be honest about this. I would be sorely tempted to just fake stomach flu for a while if you want to preserve the friendship but can't handle the boyfriend. People grieve different ways, and burning the candle at both ends and getting a new lover is a very very normal way to grieve, even though it's less applauded than being more "visibly" sad. I think when my husband's first wife died, his doctor told him that the average man remarries within a year of being widowed. I'm sure that's often a huge mistake, but people react differently to grief. Some people just can't handle the daily loneliness. A new lover doesn't replace the missing spouse, but it does fill the loneliness hole a little, even short term. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I don't know if this is a good way to handle it, but I think I would be honest. "We'd love to see you and the kids, but we need a bit more time to get used to the idea of seeing you with someone else. Can we meet your new boyfriend in a couple of months?" Keep your voice friendly and non-judgmental. I agree with the posters who said people grieve in different ways, but I also think it's fine if you are just not ready to meet her new man yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 :iagree: This. At what point will your dh be able to accept another man in this lady's life? It really isn't his call to make. The only polite thing you can do is decline the invitation without stating why. "I'm sorry we won't be able to get together then. Thank you for asking." Or "I'm sorry. I just realized a conflicting engagement." Anything else will be offensive to her. Then just try to schedule something when the boyfriend is working. ETA: Something else to think about. If this lady is already dating, she probably isn't going to want to sit around commiserating with your dh about their mutual loss. yes... especially the part about commiserating. Your dh may be picturing a trip down memory lane, but if she wants to bring the new boyfriend, she is not in the same place. In the interest of being supportive, I would try to get together for a quick meal in a public place and see how it goes, is there still enough in common to have a friendship with her as an individual. If you/your dh can't do it without judgment or feeling like you are betraying dh's friend, then politely get out of it. Anything you say about the boyfriend will come off as judgment and I don't think that's appropriate. The sister's opinions are irrelevant to what you are going to do, other than to show that it didn't go well for her and she's blood. It's going to sound even worse coming from you. It could be a short term distraction thing, or it could become serious very fast. Maybe it's totally unhealthy or maybe it's exactly what she needs. It doesn't matter, it's her life she's trying to re-assemble, it's her grieving process to go through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I would be honest in a different way. Tell her yes, bring the boyfriend, but also let her know that it will feel strange and ackward to your dh since he was so close to her late dh. Not in a bad way, but it will take time to get used to the idea of her with someone else. Let her know you will welcome the boyfriend and hope to become great friends with him as well, but please understand that this is a hard transition for your family. Let her know you are happy she has found a person to spend time with. My fil died unexpectedly. About 1 year later my mil announced that she had a boyfriend. The man seems wonderful. However it honestly took my dh about 3 years before he was comfortable with it deep down. I think he even had difficulty saying the words. He liked the guy fine. He liked that his mom had a companion and someone that genuinely cared for her again. It was just that word 'boyfriend' that was hard because it was a constant verbal reminder that his dad was gone and life went on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakereese Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I guess the question is...When would your DH feel comfortable with her having a boyfriend?? If you are honest, probably not ever. There will always be that feeling that (his name?) isn't here, and should be. Your DH (and maybe your family) will always associate your memories of her with her first husband, and it is hard when these things happen to move on. BUT, I do think that she shouldn't have a timetable for when she should go on with life. This is where she is at right now, and if it makes her happy, then who are we to say it is not OK? I know I would feel uncomfortable, too. I completely understand how your DH is feeling and it is especially hard the first time you all get together without his best friend. But if this relationship is important to you (with the best friend's wife and family) then you need to be supportive of her right now. It may be hard, but try to smile and welcome this new person into your lives. I know from experience that this is the best way to do this. Our aunt died 10 years ago, and just a few months later our uncle had a pretty serious "lady friend" that he was traveling out of town with. We were all pretty shocked and just...sad. They came to visit us and we welcomed her into our home, talked about their travels, and even talked about old times with our aunt. We were uncomfortable and it made us miss our aunt even more, but we got through it. And now, 10 years later, our uncle is still with this lady. They never married, at least not yet. :) I'm glad we didn't make a big deal about it in the beginning, because she has been with him all along and it would have made a lot of family gatherings very awkward. Some members of the family refused to speak to him in those early months, and their relationships never recovered. All this to say, try to be understanding, kind, and welcoming. Maybe when you see her with this man, and actually happy..well, maybe that will be a good thing. Isn't it better than her falling apart and really sad? Which she probably has been, but maybe that part of her grief is over...or not. But you can be there for her wherever she is at in the grieving process. I'm sure she really needs friends right now, especially if others are already upset with her about all of this. :grouphug::grouphug: I know this is a hard situation all around, and I hope you can find the strength to get through it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Welcome them. When my step-dad lost my mom he was DEVASTATED. The grief was huge. On top of that, he is the type of man that cannot stand to be alone. He NEEDS a woman in his life. My family was horrible to him because he had a girlfriend so soon. I seemed to be one of the few people saw it for the pain that it was, not as an affront to the memory of my mother. It WILL be hard. (It was so hard for me to see another woman in my mother's home) But know that this is also part of her grief. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jplain Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 If I died, I hope my husband would find a new partner to share his life. I hope he'd find her soon after my death. Life is too short for socially-imposed periods of mourning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 I truly appreciate your thoughts. Particularly those that read my post in the spirit it was written. Shock (:001_huh:), not judgement (:glare:). Of course we don't feel we have a say as to when she can start a new relationship. It is just surprising to us. We were looking forward to getting together, not to mope, but to carry on a conversation outside of a funeral home again. Of course, you don't know my husband. He is "the rock" among his large circle of friends. Quiet and thoughtful, he is the one that everyone goes to for advice and comfort. I'm sure he is one of the first being introduced to her boyfriend because she expects he will be kind and fair. Which is his intention. He told me that he doesn't see how he could tell her "no" or that it makes him uncomfortable without hurting her, so he won't. He is disappointed that our time together will now feel weird. I'm sad for him. When I say that she has been burning the candle at both ends, I mean she has been doing things that are out of character and that is how she met this guy. She met him because she's been spending a lot of time at bars (something she hasn't done in the 18+ years I've known her). He could be a great guy. Believe me, her late husband was no saint, but I admit to being worried about her. I'm not sure what kind of guy pushes for a serious relationship with a woman who is 10 years older than him, widowed for one month, and mother to 6 and 3 year old sons. It just seems off. I hope it all works out. I know people grieve differently. I just don't want her boys put in harm's way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I truly appreciate your thoughts. Particularly those that read my post in the spirit it was written. Shock (:001_huh:), not judgement (:glare:). Of course we don't feel we have a say as to when she can start a new relationship. It is just surprising to us. We were looking forward to getting together, not to mope, but to carry on a conversation outside of a funeral home again. Of course, you don't know my husband. He is "the rock" among his large circle of friends. Quiet and thoughtful, he is the one that everyone goes to for advice and comfort. I'm sure he is one of the first being introduced to her boyfriend because she expects he will be kind and fair. Which is his intention. He told me that he doesn't see how he could tell her "no" or that it makes him uncomfortable without hurting her, so he won't. He is disappointed that our time together will now feel weird. I'm sad for him. When I say that she has been burning the candle at both ends, I mean she has been doing things that are out of character and that is how she met this guy. She met him because she's been spending a lot of time at bars (something she hasn't done in the 18+ years I've known her). He could be a great guy. Believe me, her late husband was no saint, but I admit to being worried about her. I'm not sure what kind of guy pushes for a serious relationship with a woman who is 10 years older than him, widowed for one month, and mother to 6 and 3 year old sons. It just seems off. I hope it all works out. I know people grieve differently. I just don't want her boys put in harm's way. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Of course, you don't know my husband. He is "the rock" among his large circle of friends. Quiet and thoughtful, he is the one that everyone goes to for advice and comfort. ... I'm not sure what kind of guy pushes for a serious relationship with a woman who is 10 years older than him, widowed for one month, and mother to 6 and 3 year old sons. It just seems off. I hope it all works out. I know people grieve differently. I just don't want her boys put in harm's way. Perhaps your dh could instead think of this as a way to remain close to his friend's sons and be a strong, constant role model in their lives. If the mom's behavior is concerning to you, it must be even tougher on the boys. It does sound like an uncomfortable situation, but there is opportunity there to make a difference in ways you might not have expected. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I agree everyone grieves in different ways, but that includes your dh. He lost his best friend, for pete's sake. I actually think she's being a bit selfish expecting everyone to move on just because she has. I'd probably be honest and just say that, while you're happy for her, you're not ready to get together with the new boyfriend. You may end up alienating her, but if it hurts to be around them, it's not worth it, imo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 You said your dh's friend had health problems. It may be there was more to said problems than was shared with your dh. It may be that the wife already went through stages of grief while her dh was still alive. I know that this happens with family members with live closely with and care for a person through long term illness. I know you weren't judging her, but thinking about that may give you some perspective on why the wife is in a totally different place grief wise. Whatever you decide I hope it works out. I'd likely follow the one suggestion of claiming illness and having trouble with finding time to reschedule for about a month to your dh could adjust to the idea. He may still be uncomfortable a month from now, but he can get used to the idea and feel less like it was sprung on him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 My FIL, who was head over heels about his wife, began talking about "finding someone else" in front of everyone after the funeral when we were all back at his house. She passed away right before Thanksgiving weekend and by February, he had attended a travel agency open house for older "singles," encouraging them to pair up to travel together overseas, etc. He quickly found a lady friend there, and often commented that she was "probably the best he could do at his age", etc. He alienated almost all their couple friends of 35+ years over all this. Some of them have come around since, but not all. His sons were understandably very upset, too, but we had just moved here so were (thankfully) somewhat removed from the situation. He almost immediately began making comments to them that he would "have to marry her", etc. and they strenuously objected to this. He ended up backing off on at least that.... In thinking about all of this over the course of the past dozen years, I have come to believe that he was absolutely terrified and desperate about being alone. He could not face his days without a "mate" of some sort. He needed to be in relationship with someone and I do think that he might have passed away sooner (as many widow/widowers do) if he had not found someone to take his mind off his grief and help him get back to living. Since that time, I don't think that I will ever look at grief and mourning in the same way. Everyone has to work through their grief on their own. They may make mistakes, but as with all things, each person has to live their own lives. I think all we can do is counsel caution, introspection, and patience, but also continue to extend love to those who have suffered the loss of a loved one. I know it is hard and distasteful to many of us who think that we would/could never do such a thing, but until we are put in the same position, we don't really know that. And even if we do go through a similar experience, our personal response to it may be completely different from the next person's.... Each of us has to deal with our grief in our own way.... And we have to learn to live again in our own way, too.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 You said your dh's friend had health problems. It may be there was more to said problems than was shared with your dh. It may be that the wife already went through stages of grief while her dh was still alive. I know that this happens with family members with live closely with and care for a person through long term illness. I know you weren't judging her, but thinking about that may give you some perspective on why the wife is in a totally different place grief wise. Whatever you decide I hope it works out. I'd likely follow the one suggestion of claiming illness and having trouble with finding time to reschedule for about a month to your dh could adjust to the idea. He may still be uncomfortable a month from now, but he can get used to the idea and feel less like it was sprung on him. THANK YOU! Yes, I believe that her grief is ahead of his. I believe that she was grieving last year while he was still alive. In our minds, she is moving on quickly, but she's already passed many grief milestones that my dh hasn't reached yet. I honestly hadn't thought of this before. We had often talked that we wondered if his illness wasn't worse than they were letting on and that they had actually been given a life expectancy. It wasn't our business. When he passed, he had developed an infection that his body wasn't strong enough to fight. I agree everyone grieves in different ways, but that includes your dh. He lost his best friend, for pete's sake. I actually think she's being a bit selfish expecting everyone to move on just because she has. I'd probably be honest and just say that, while you're happy for her, you're not ready to get together with the new boyfriend. You may end up alienating her, but if it hurts to be around them, it's not worth it, imo. Thanks for this, too :001_smile:. I wish she could see that my dh may not be ready to hang out with a new dude, but it's where *he's* at right now. It's no reflection on her. In a month, or two, I really don't think it would be a big deal. It's just the FIRST time we've seen her since the funeral :( . We'll see what he ends up deciding to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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