need some perspective....

[MelanieM]

Excellent update, Peela. I love how quickly you found resolution! :grouphug:

[KidsHappen]

Many people have mentioned that there are polite or correct ways to say that you don't want something, don't like something or that you don't care for something. What pray tell are these ways? Most of time a polite, " No thank you" does not work. If a person has tried something and doesn't care for it, what is the proper way to say, "I am sorry but this really doesn't agree with me right now"? I am not being snarky but honestly curious. Is there any way to say this that is not going to hurt you feelings?

 

I am apparently a very picky eater. It is not so much that I don't like particluar things as that sometimes things I love just don't taste good at a particular time or that sometimes a particular ingredient doesn't work for me. I do practically no cooking. My hubby and SIL do pretty much all the cooking. My SIL frequently makes things I am not sure about because he doesn't know everything I like and don't like. I will always try something the first time but if I don't like it I will try to adjust it so that it is acceptable. For instance, the first time he made Jalapeno Chicken, I tried it even though I don't like Jalapeno. It still didn't work for me so I removed the Jalapeno and was then able to eat it fine even though it still had a flavor I didn't really care for. Sometimes my hubby makes sauces with dijon even though I don't like it. I try it but if it still doesn't work for me, I skip the sauce. Sometimes I add condiments. Sometimes it may be something I love but I just can't stomach it at the time. It is nothing personal. It has nothing to do with the person. It has to do with the food.

 

It seems to me that in this society, there is not acceptable way to decline eating something that someone has prepared for you. There are very few other things that engender such strong feeling in women. Why? I just don't understand this. Women give some many other things of themselves that are worthy and appreciated and seem to accept it fairly well if it is not as well received but food seems to be personal. It seems to be more personal than even the most intimate thing between a man and women.

 

Women seem to be much more sensitive about this then men do about sex. How often does a man propose sex and a woman is really not into it at the moment (although she may ordinarily enjoy sex)? I think many of us would admit more frequently than our hubby's prefer. I assume that they do feel dejected and unappreciated and yet they don't seem to feel the same sense of personal hurt and rejection that women so about food even though they should feel more so.

 

Help me understand this. Once again, not trying to be snarky so much as trying understand something that I really don't (thinking this has something to do with the lack of feminine skills and feelings).

[Lovedtodeath]

Oh duh... I keep trying to only read the first couple of posts and then add my two cents. lol I will read your update.

 

 

It wouldn't bother me... but if it did I would have a conversation about it with him. Mention what Keptwoman said about phrasing things better. You definitely need to communicate this. Our mate can't meet our needs if they don't know what they are. :grouphug:

[Laura Corin]

But I know that I tend to overreact to criticism about my cooking. For me, it's just that I don't really like cooking: I'd be happier just eating a plate of steamed beans and an apple and not spending the time/energy in the kitchen. So when I cook for others and they criticise my cooking, I feel very hard done by.

 

I think I would try to talk to DH later about how his phrasing made you feel. I don't think he needs to eat/drink something that he can't stomach, but perhaps he could say something like, "I'm not very hungry - is it okay if I wait for dinner?"

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

[Scarlett]

My dh, who is not a picky eater, will often smell or taste something that we don't.

 

Well, me too. I don't drink milk after it has been opened for more than 3 days. Everyone else seems ok with it for a week after opening. I am not picky but sensitive.

 

Should he drink it, if it doesn't taste good to him? If it was turned around. I would not want to force something down to not hurt his feelings.

 

I think it wasn't that he didn't want it. But rather that he said it was 'off'...thereby implying Peela was too blame. He should have just said, 'No thanks, none for me tonight.' For instance, when I know milk has been opened for more than 3 days I just don't drink it. I do however pour it for my son....I don't tell him, 'this smells off to me.' Because I know it is NOT bad---I am just quirky.

[Lovedtodeath]

Dh apologised and really articulated his realisations of why I was upset. I am grateful that i could articulate it to him, because we hadn't really isolated what it was that upset me before. thanks everyone

oh good! Exactly what was needed.:)

 

There are some meals where I refuse to make DH a plate because I know that what I choose will not be to his liking. ;)

[Truscifi]

Many people have mentioned that there are polite or correct ways to say that you don't want something, don't like something or that you don't care for something. What pray tell are these ways? Most of time a polite, " No thank you" does not work. If a person has tried something and doesn't care for it, what is the proper way to say, "I am sorry but this really doesn't agree with me right now"? I am not being snarky but honestly curious. Is there any way to say this that is not going to hurt you feelings?

 

I am apparently a very picky eater. It is not so much that I don't like particluar things as that sometimes things I love just don't taste good at a particular time or that sometimes a particular ingredient doesn't work for me. I do practically no cooking. My hubby and SIL do pretty much all the cooking. My SIL frequently makes things I am not sure about because he doesn't know everything I like and don't like. I will always try something the first time but if I don't like it I will try to adjust it so that it is acceptable. For instance, the first time he made Jalapeno Chicken, I tried it even though I don't like Jalapeno. It still didn't work for me so I removed the Jalapeno and was then able to eat it fine even though it still had a flavor I didn't really care for. Sometimes my hubby makes sauces with dijon even though I don't like it. I try it but if it still doesn't work for me, I skip the sauce. Sometimes I add condiments. Sometimes it may be something I love but I just can't stomach it at the time. It is nothing personal. It has nothing to do with the person. It has to do with the food.

 

It seems to me that in this society, there is not acceptable way to decline eating something that someone has prepared for you. There are very few other things that engender such strong feeling in women. Why? I just don't understand this. Women give some many other things of themselves that are worthy and appreciated and seem to accept it fairly well if it is not as well received but food seems to be personal. It seems to be more personal than even the most intimate thing between a man and women.

 

Women seem to be much more sensitive about this then men do about sex. How often does a man propose sex and a woman is really not into it at the moment (although she may ordinarily enjoy sex)? I think many of us would admit more frequently than our hubby's prefer. I assume that they do feel dejected and unappreciated and yet they don't seem to feel the same sense of personal hurt and rejection that women so about food even though they should feel more so.

 

Help me understand this. Once again, not trying to be snarky so much as trying understand something that I really don't (thinking this has something to do with the lack of feminine skills and feelings).

 

I think a polite 'No thank you, I wouldn't care for any' is fine. The rule in our house is that you have to taste everything, but if you don't like it you don't have to eat any more (except for ds and veggies, otherwise he wouldn't get any). If you try it and don't care for it and say so politely and without disparaging the food or cook (which I think was the issue with Peela's dh) and someone still gets upset or offended, that is their issue and not yours.

 

My dh will eat almost anything I make, but he doesn't care for tofu or other meat substitutes, or yogurt or strongly flavored cheeses. If I make something that has these, he will add condiments or choose not to eat much. If I specifically ask what he doesn't like he will tell me, but otherwise he just says no thank you. And if I ask and he tells me, he phrases it as 'I don't care for this flavor' - not 'This isn't good' or 'You put too much of this'. He is a chef and can be very blunt about food, so it has taken us a while to reach this point.

[Mimm]

I haven't read the rest of the thread, but I can relate to having a hard time eating certain things if they taste weird. My husband laughs about it. I'll buy something at the store and then try it, then simply not be able to eat the rest of it, so he's stuck eating it. I bought this walnut flavored ice cream, and I took one bite of it. I normally love walnuts, but apparently not in ice cream form. Furthermore, if he normally drinks those types of smoothies, there's the expectation that it'll taste a certain way and then when it doesn't, he might have a very hard time drinking the rest. I got my usual drink from starbucks the other day and for some reason they didn't stir it at all or something, so the first drink was all the espresso at the bottom. It was a strong flavor and unexpected and I had a hard time finishing the drink, even though I stirred it and it was fine. I also have a hard time if something looks funny or strange or if it has a weird smell. This causes much eye rolling in my marriage, but he's fairly tolerant, probably because he's not actually cooking the food for me. I can understand why your feelings are hurt, just try not to take it personally. It's not about you. Some people just have some weird food phobias. :)

 

Edit: After skimming some of the thread I will say that I wouldn't be offended or hurt by that. My husband will tell me outright when he doesn't like something. Of course, his opinions often do not influence what I cook either. He doesn't like mushrooms and I love them. I'm the one who has to cook so they still end up in various dishes. He picks them out and puts them on my plate.

Edited January 31, 2011 by Mimm

[Stacy in NJ]

response was a bit insensitive. Basically, he's placed the responsibility for his not wanting to drink it on you. You made an "off" smoothie. It's your failure, not his preference. Probably, the smoothie just wan't appealing to him for some other reason. It might me a bit overly sensitive, but it does seem a bit like he's placing blame.

[Melissa in Australia]

I have only read the first page of replies.

 

My in-laws fight about food preparation a lot. in fact they have their whole married lives. they are in their late 80's now, and it has got to the point that they both have separate fridges and freezers. They cook their food independently, buy their own food and eat their own food and still manage to fight over it.

 

I am determined that dh and I will not end up like that. I just refuse to.. every single time there is a food issue.. I just say to myself that I refuse to be hurt bu it I don't want to end up like them.

[Rosie_0801]

There are very few other things that engender such strong feeling in women. Why? I just don't understand this. Women give some many other things of themselves that are worthy and appreciated and seem to accept it fairly well if it is not as well received but food seems to be personal.

 

Germaine Greer's theory is that women have a food gene. I don't have much time for her in general, but that particular paragraph stood out to me as being very enlightened :lol:

 

Tell your hubby he's a lucky guy to have married someone with a mutated food gene :tongue_smilie:

 

Why is it personal? I think, for me, it is because we are what we eat and providing decent food is one of the ways I show I care and it really matters whether we eat well, whether people think so or not. Rejecting my food (unless it is something way too gross, like that peanut soup I tried once:lol:) is like saying "I don't care that you care." The more effort I've put into pulling something together, the more it is going to hurt to hear "I don't care that you care." That effort could be something tasty and nutritious, or if I'm a sleep deprived maniac and all I've managed to do is throw together some soup that doesn't even taste very nice, I'll think someone should appreciate that there is dinner at all, under the circumstances.

 

Rosie- currently a sleep deprived maniac. Hoping that makes sense even if it isn't sensible.

[Remudamom]

Remarks like that make me angry. I wouldn't want to fix anything for anyone who whined about my cooking.

[Audrey]

Germaine Greer's theory is that women have a food gene. I don't have much time for her in general, but that particular paragraph stood out to me as being very enlightened :lol:

 

Tell your hubby he's a lucky guy to have married someone with a mutated food gene :tongue_smilie:

 

Why is it personal? I think, for me, it is because we are what we eat and providing decent food is one of the ways I show I care and it really matters whether we eat well, whether people think so or not. Rejecting my food (unless it is something way too gross, like that peanut soup I tried once:lol:) is like saying "I don't care that you care." The more effort I've put into pulling something together, the more it is going to hurt to hear "I don't care that you care." That effort could be something tasty and nutritious, or if I'm a sleep deprived maniac and all I've managed to do is throw together some soup that doesn't even taste very nice, I'll think someone should appreciate that there is dinner at all, under the circumstances.

 

Rosie- currently a sleep deprived maniac. Hoping that makes sense even if it isn't sensible.

 

 

I think that hits the nail on the head for me. When I do something to care for someone and they reject that, it is as if they are saying "I don't care that you care." You could hardly get more hurtful than that to me.

[Peela]

Germaine Greer's theory is that women have a food gene. I don't have much time for her in general, but that particular paragraph stood out to me as being very enlightened :lol:

 

Tell your hubby he's a lucky guy to have married someone with a mutated food gene :tongue_smilie:

 

Why is it personal? I think, for me, it is because we are what we eat and providing decent food is one of the ways I show I care and it really matters whether we eat well, whether people think so or not. Rejecting my food (unless it is something way too gross, like that peanut soup I tried once:lol:) is like saying "I don't care that you care." The more effort I've put into pulling something together, the more it is going to hurt to hear "I don't care that you care." That effort could be something tasty and nutritious, or if I'm a sleep deprived maniac and all I've managed to do is throw together some soup that doesn't even taste very nice, I'll think someone should appreciate that there is dinner at all, under the circumstances.

 

Rosie- currently a sleep deprived maniac. Hoping that makes sense even if it isn't sensible.

 

Spot on , Rosie, thanks for putting that so well.

 

And I think I made that same peanut soup- was it from the Enchanted Broccoli Forest vegan cookbook? Only I made it for 15 people without trying it first. Disaster- it looks so good in the recipe, but tasted awful. It has turned me off making any more recipes from that book.

[Audrey]

Spot on , Rosie, thanks for putting that so well.

 

And I think I made that same peanut soup- was it from the Enchanted Broccoli Forest vegan cookbook? Only I made it for 15 people without trying it first. Disaster- it looks so good in the recipe, but tasted awful. It has turned me off making any more recipes from that book.

 

 

OMG! I have made that soup, too. It was awful! I'm glad to have some corraborating evidence that it was not my mistake, but a bad recipe. :001_smile:

[Rosie_0801]

:lol:

 

No I didn't, but I bet the people who wrote the Enchanted Broccoli recipe book (and that is such a good name!) swiped the recipe from the African cookbook I found it in!

 

Dh thought it was alright! :ack2:

 

I don't know how peanut stew can be nice and peanut soup can be so foul, but I tried two different peanut soup recipes and they were both vomitous, so I have learned not to do it again :lol:

 

Rosie

[RanchGirl]

In our house we have a "no thank you bite" policy. If someone prepares something, you take at least a small bite before saying no thanks. I consider it rude to reject something that has been prepared for you without at least trying it and saying thanks for your efforts on my behalf to the cook.

 

I would not want my husband to feel he HAD to eat/drink something he didn't care for, but I think it's rude not to try a sip and say thanks but no thanks.