Any imperfect mothers out there with a perfect sibling who has an easy life?

[battlemaiden]

Can I get a virtual high five and collective "sigh"?

 

I'm having a weak moment. Please don't judge me too harshly.

 

I don't want to seem unloving. I do love this sibling. But her life is just a breeze. She has the boy in t-ball, the girl in dance, the grandparents that attend all the events (school assemblies....but let's not start discussing "student of the month" or art awards), the dh home every evening *before* dinner, the weekends away while grandparents watch the kiddos...I could go on.

 

I'm so petty. I know it. I just need a moment to pout. I realize I chose this route, I know my kids will have great memories, I know, I know, I know....

 

I'm scampering away....

[E_Edgerton]

Nothing is what it seems. But, I know what that feels like.

[battlemaiden]

Honestly she probably has those same moments. You really never know how people feel inside. Some people appear to have it all and are quite miserable. Not that this thought should bring anyone comfort, but we all have our moments. Honest!

 

:grouphug:

 

Well, she does share with me her moments. I understand that everyone has moments. Actually, this reinforces my original feelings because her "moments" are so very fleeting and minor.

 

I was coming back to edit my OP because I realize these emotions were set off by getting off the phone with my mom. She was telling me about yet another school event for my niece. I swear they give you a certificate if you wash your hands properly :glare:. On further introspection I realize that when your kids are outsourced you just have so much more concrete reinforcement for every success. I really am just being weak minded tonight because so much of what takes my energy isn't noticed.

 

Maybe I should start making certificates. ;) Just kidding.

 

Jo

[Nestof3]

My brother and his family are very different from us. They both work a lot, but also have a gigantic house, seem to always be able to have time off from work (something my husband can never get unless it's winter).

 

They had a girl on the first try (we gave up LOL).

 

They have a 4,000 sq ft house for the three of them.

 

They go to these cute little baby music and baby exercise programs.

 

They have the perfect bedtime routine -- bath, massage, classical music, story time (all before she was even 5 months old). My sister-in-law let me go through most of the routine with my niece when I met the little one, and it was a beautiful routine. I felt like I could barely breathe or focus with my babies, much less massage them nightly.

 

They have a nanny and a maid.

 

His wife looked better pregnant than I've ever looked my entire life. She never gained a pound beyond baby weight!

 

But, here we are. I had a stranger at the library tell me tonight I seem like a "good mom." I feel pathetically inadequate most of the time.

[amy g.]

Just an aside about school awards. My oldest has been homeschooled since

1st grade. She did get speech services through the public school. When she was in 6th grade, we had to go to the middle school for an ARD meeting. That is the ONLY time she ever set foot in the building.

 

Come May, we get a letter from the school about the award she was receiving. The letter encouraged us to invite relatives to the award ceremony, because this award was only for the students who went above and beyond to improve their school.

 

Dd's school friends told her that the principal actually called her name, and waited for her to walk across the stage. I guess they never found out that she wasn't a student there.

 

Since that incident, I assume all awards are simply PR.

 

Neither of my sibs have kids, so I don't have the comparison issues.

[Nestof3]

I've thought a little more about this. I can think of so many things others have that I do not. I can imagine or see how much easier their life is.

 

But, this life is truly my lot. Sometimes comparisons do nothing but rob us of the joy we can have -- or if not joy, at least the satisfaction.

 

Having raised one son who just turned 18, I truly feel the fruit of my labors given back to me in him. He knows my imperfections. But, I have poured into him almost all I have, and he makes me proud.

 

My little guys, though they exhaust me, adore me. They are so forgiving and they love me without regard to what the world deems important.

 

What matters are the little things for them. Most of these things are free. Hugs, kisses, love, kind words, reading together on the couch, trips to the library, hot chocolate, listening to them, calling them silly names, knowing I'm there for them when they're scared, and so on.

 

In the end, it really is about the relationships amidst life -- even when it's difficult. The boys are not going to look back and complain about the size of our house, they will remember the fond memories -- the little things.

[battlemaiden]

Just an aside about school awards. My oldest has been homeschooled since

1st grade. She did get speech services through the public school. When she was in 6th grade, we had to go to the middle school for an ARD meeting. That is the ONLY time she ever set foot in the building.

 

Come May, we get a letter from the school about the award she was receiving. The letter encouraged us to invite relatives to the award ceremony, because this award was only for the students who went above and beyond to improve their school.

 

Dd's school friends told her that the principal actually called her name, and waited for her to walk across the stage. I guess they never found out that she wasn't a student there.

 

Since that incident, I assume all awards are simply PR.

 

Neither of my sibs have kids, so I don't have the comparison issues.

 

That is hilarious.

 

I realize that awards are somewhat standard. I hear Syndrome from The Incredibles saying, "and when everyone is super...no one will be".

 

But my parents and my sister's In-laws attend all these events in support. I don't have that. My parents and in-laws are generally supportive of homeschooling, and they love my kids, but sometimes I wish they would have the opportunity to gush and make them feel special.

 

I'm feeling sappy. Dadburn pregnancy hormones. I better stop.

 

Jo

[Amy in Orlando]

Battlemaiden, you've just described my sister! And, the crazy thing???? She's jealous of me.

 

Hang in there. ((((())))))

[myfunnybunch]

Her house is neater. Her husband is kind, and can build or fix anything. She's very clear and consistent, and her children are have lovely manners and are well-behaved. She's serious and mindful and works hard. She plans her school day so that her children are done very early to allow them lots of free time. Her daughter just won the state gymnastics championship on the beam for her level. Her seven-year-old builds amazingly intricate structures with Legos and the like.

 

My house is bigger. My husband is kind, and works from home, and cooks dinner and does dishes. I'm playful and flexible, and my children are creative and enthusiastic. I'm passionate and affectionate and love to try new things. I plan our school days with lots of projects and outings, the messier the better. My daughter was just in the newspaper for acting in a play with a cast made up entirely of children with autism. My seven-year-old is reading far above grade level (whatever that is supposed to mean).

 

I'm not saying either of us are better, by the way. I was able to make this list because my sister and I had this conversation. :-) We grew up comparing ourselves to one another. One day we realized that we were still looking at one another's lives with envy and admiration.

 

We've started counting our blessings and trying to learn from one another.

 

I'm still madly jealous of her, though, so I guess I'll sigh right along with you and keep plugging away. ;)

 

Cat

[DIY-DY]

Can I get a virtual high five and collective "sigh"?... I just need a moment to pout. I realize I chose this route, I know my kids will have great memories, I know, I know, I know....

 

I'm scampering away....

 

Now, my situation is a little bit different. My sister is fairly miserable, and has been for years. But she can sure put a lovely shine on her particular brand of miserable. ;) Not the same situation, I realize, but I wanted to be completely upfront before I told you my story...

 

So I'm driving in the car this morning, on the way to DH's company picnic. The kids are clean, impeccably coordinated in their attire, and very-very-clean. I have on make up (done "just so" - took me forever), and in lieu of my pony tail/baseball cap, I bothered to take 30 minutes finding my curling iron (because it's been over a year since I used it, and I couldn't remember where I'd put it!) to do my hair. It's got hairspray in it, for Pete's sake! And I'm on the phone with a friend, explaining this insanity...

 

My sister just sent me pictures of her DD (my niece), her twin granddaughters, and two of our other neices. Pictures she "just snapped at the park". Oh. My. Word. These people are GORGEOUS! Sparkly, perfectly manicured, projecting the ultimate in got-it-together style.

 

I looked at the pictures and thought, "These were taken at a park? Where's the dirt? The twigs? The lopsided pigtails? (I can't keep DD's pigtails straight to save my life! Sometimes I can't even get TO the park with both of them still in!) Did they go just for the pictures and not let the kids play? How'd they do that?"

 

Her email filled me in on all the accomplishments everybody there has had this year. Evidently, my sister and the rest of the family now live in Lake Woebegon. Top sales, new toy hauler, super athletic successes, private jets here and there. It was like one of those over-the-top Holiday letters - she actually said, in describing what her DD is doing, "She's heavily involved with the government, wealthy, & famous." The email finished with, "Did you ever think you would have five kids??? Are you still home schooling them? I don't know how you do it."

 

*sigh*

 

So I looked around, at my dust-covered, barefooted children (we live in the woods - they're always covered in dust)... at my nutso schedule (which has nothing glamorous to it)... at my kitchen (which has been w/o water ALL WEEK, hence no cleaning this week!)... at my post-partum self ('nuff said)... at my car... *gulp* Like you mentioned farther down in the thread, so much of what takes our energies goes unnoticed. None of the wonderful things we have going for us seemed horribly visible after I read that email.

 

And even though I *know* better, something clicked on... in my pineal gland, or whatever... some primal urge to "have that" (that what? dunno - never answered that question). And suddenly, I became insane. I had to keep up. I had to make it look better. I had to be picture-ready, and with-it, and whatever-hyphenated-descriptions-you-can-think-of. Hair. Make-up. Matching socks. Straight pigtails, darnit!

 

Fortunately, only about two miles down the road, I realized what I was doing. And I could laugh at myself. Then I called my friend, so she could laugh at me with me. And that feels much better than it felt when I was comparing myself to only a partial image. Even if I compare it with the Whole Picture, this is a good life. It's mine, and ours, and it's wonderful. Sure, it's loud, and noisy. Yes, we're more about function than style. No, we don't look as great as they do. And no, I'm not hobnobbing with the wealthy and famous. But, until she brought it up, I didn't really want to be, anyway. And I still don't. It just took me a few minutes for the insanity to work its way out of my system. (Although I really would like to know how to keep the pigtails straight! *grin*)

 

I hope that in the morning, some of your energy investments wake you with smiles and hugs, and that you can take the day just wallowing in them and feeling the love, wrapped in all the good things that your life and your choices have brought you. {{hugs}}

 

Dy

[Colleen]

If so, that would explain how he has the time and stamina to train for ultra-marathons.:D

[Sue G in PA]

I have all 3! I have 2 older cousins; one with 2 children another with 3. The "perfect" children. Intelligent, polite, well-behaved, etc. Both cousins live in 3/4 million dollar homes in Northern, VA. We are talking HUGE homes. I joke w/ my family sometimes that we need to "swap" homes b/c our home is the perfect size for them and theirs the perfect size for us! I could go on about their seemingly perfect lives, but I won't b/c what it really comes down to is this: We have completely different priorities! Both my cousins have wives who work full-time, children go to ps. That's not what we want for our family! We've made the sacrifices we did (and continue to do) b/c we want to hs and for mom to be home. I used to be all green w/ envy over their homes. And I still get a "twinge" of that envy occasionally. BUT, I don't want to do the things they do to have what they have, KWIM?

 

The grass is always greener somewhere, but if I choose to focus on that I'll never be content/happy. And believe me, it is hard. You are not alone in how you feel, trust me!

[Colleen]

It's funny to read about you comparing yourself to others, Dy, because whenever I read your blog, I'm steeped in admiration. "She's so laidback and cheerful all the time. She doesn't stress. She sits right next to her hubby at night while reading. (As opposed to those of us who hint, "Ummm...hon? Shouldn't you go to bed so I can be totally alone while reading and eating cookies?";)) And to top it off, she produces babies in a couple of hours, at home (while some of us compete for the Most C-Sections Ever Award:tongue_smilie:). I think I'll send my boys to her place for a week of camp!"

 

Ah, well. He (or she, as the case may be) who ceases to compare is content.

[Colleen]

nt

[Kate CA]

Oh Jo, your heart sounds heavy. (Hugs)

 

On further introspection I realize that when your kids are outsourced you just have so much more concrete reinforcement for every success. I really am just being weak minded tonight because so much of what takes my energy isn't noticed.

 

Who is it that you would like to notice? It seems as though there is something well-beyond your sibling here. Are you looking for affirmation from your parents for your choices? For your children's successes and accomplishments? These feelings sometimes sneak up on us, but it is worth thinking long about.

 

We choose what roads we take and bear the burdens as well as the inexpressible joy that comes from them. It is easier to induge our baser feelings when we are feeling low, but I encourage you to look at what you have rather than what you don't.

 

Remember that which we see from the outside may not always be what it seems on the inside. Your sister's life may sound easy and simple to you, but would you trade places? Your life sounds rich and full and you and your children sound blessed. God's blessing to you tonight. :)

[battlemaiden]

Who is it that you would like to notice? It seems as though there is something well-beyond your sibling here. Are you looking for affirmation from your parents for your choices? For your children's successes and accomplishments? These feelings sometimes sneak up on us, but it is worth thinking long about.

 

 

 

Thanks Kate.

 

I am thinking a bit clearer now, although no less hormonally. :001_smile:

 

I don't think this is about personal affirmation, or even my children's successes and accomplishments. It is simpler than that. I think my extended family looks upon my children as a sort of collective entity. They love my children...but almost as a group. So I hurt for them that they aren't seen as the precious individuals that they are. I wish they were valued for their uniqueness, their character, not for their accomplishments- I can't provide school assemblies and most of our activities during these days of instability aren't on formal teams. I think it's just easier to notice those types of things. But I hear about every t-ball game and art project success and good grade and dance recital, etc. I do understand that my parents are only human and a bird in hand (my sister is less than an hour away) is worth two in the bush (or across the globe).

 

You're right. I wouldn't trade places. I love my life and my family. I am thankful for our many blessings. But honestly, Kate, tonight it didn't help keep the snark away when I heard about one more thing my niece was awarded- she's 6!!

 

I am feeling tender hearted, sorry to sound so sappy. I suppose I should channel all this emotional energy into completing a project of some sort.;)

 

Thanks again for your kind words.

 

Jo

[MomofSeven]

My sister has even told my mom that I'm a "kept woman" (whatever that means :glare:)

 

Anyway, things are never what they seem. Yes, we live in a lovely new home and my kids participate in lots of activities. But, with dh owning his own company, we are never far away from foreclosure or puting the dc in ps so that I can go back to work.

 

My sister doesn't know about these stuggles. She just sees the neat and tidy picture of my life, not the messy parts.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, go easy on her. Things aren't always what they seem and even though they "seem" easy, I'm sure there's a lot to the story that you can't see.

 

BTW, I think you are an amazing mom given your "single" parent situations.

[JFSinIL]

My sister had it all - two healthy, smart boys (one of mine has autism and is silly), a hubby with a well-paying job, a new house in S. California, two cars, in-laws who doted on their only son and had lot of $ to spend on them and leave him. They took several vacations a year - always at least one trip to Hawaii, and a cruise. New furniture in the house.

Oops - her f-i-l died of a heart condition that left his widow to start spending the $ they were going to leave their son, who in turn had the same heart condition and lost his job (he was a pilot - FAA doesn't want pilots who's hearts may give out at 30,000 feet and I do not blame them!), gas prices sky-rocketed in California so running those two cars gets $$$, and their new house is now worth LESS than the mortgage they hold on it. Suddenly things not so rosey for my kid sister.

 

Things can change FAST! At least her sons are still healthy and smart - although the heart condition is heredity,, so they need to watch for it.

 

So now all envy is on my kid brother, with three perfect, smart kids (gee, why is that my main source of envy?;) ), a tenured job at a high school, several week-long vacations a year, and in-laws who are RICH and have only one child to dote on......

[klmama]

Whatever perfection you see is temporary. She may have it all together right now, and her life may be great, but that means there's only one way to go. Try to choke down any jealousy or frustration you have, and be glad that she is getting to experience an easy time now. It won't last. Time has shown me the truth of this, with my sister, with friends, with other relatives, and even with myself.

 

As for hearing about everything your sis's kids do... how do you know she doesn't hear about everything yours are doing well? I used to think my mil really preferred the other grandkids to our dc because I heard so much about them. Well, guess what? My sil often comments to me about all of the great things mine do, but she doesn't hear about them from me! Mil tells her all about them, just like she tells me about sil's kids. No preference - just mil trying to find something interesting to talk about, and the most interesting topic is her dc and grandchildren.

 

Give yourself a big hug, and when you see her, give one to your sister, too. All is well.

[dragons in the flower bed]

I had a stranger at the library tell me tonight I seem like a "good mom." I feel pathetically inadequate most of the time.

 

Remember that for everyone who is bold enough to say so, there are ten who thought it but were too shy to let you know.

[Trivium Academy]

My younger brother and his wife think I'm the perfect one. They have bounced from home to home with three kids (2 theirs and one hers from previous relationship) because of evictions and one foreclosure. They live in filth and work jobs that most teenagers qualify for. My dear brother still doesn't have his GED after dropping out and neither one of them have any type of standards for living.

 

So I'm the one who is despised and loathed because even though I live 8 hours away from our parents, I have a close relationship with them. He lives 20 minutes away and never calls or sees them unless they seek him out, which is hard considering his phone number and address change constantly.

 

They are homeschooling (cringe) and when I attempted to find common ground in conversation with them, I was told, "You're just a housewife, we have real jobs. You don't know what it's like to work." Uh, excuse me! They truly think I'm sitting here eating bonbons all day and living the high life. They think I can't do anything wrong...if only that were true. :tongue_smilie:

 

It's perception, from outside looking in it seems someone else has a perfect life or situation. They don't. Everyone has their struggles, it's just each person's struggles are different.

 

I'm so far from perfect it's ridiculous and thank goodness too! I don't think I could handle the pressure.

[Tracey in TX]

You described my SIL. She has the picture perfect life: grandparents down the street to help raise the one child. Massive home (doesn't everyone need 5000 sq ft home and suite and an additional floor for DD?), husband home for dinner most nights, grandparents to accompany kid to every event.

I'm jealous, angry, and happy for them all at the same time. How is that possible? While my DS is the oldest grandchild, the one 'perfect' grandchild is actually enough for them. They have chosen to know my children in photos only. :( The perfect SIL has encouraged this behavior. I guess it makes their lives fuller in the process.

 

Hmmm...maybe my hormones are kickin' in today, too?:confused: Sorry, this is a really emotional topic for our family. It breaks DH's heart, as it's his family.

[Nestof3]

Is this your ultra-marathon brother?

If so, that would explain how he has the time and stamina to train for ultra-marathons.:D

 

 

Yes! You're so alert!

 

To be fair, they do both work very hard. I am so very proud of my brother -- the one who skipped classes growing up, the one who made the bare minimum grades to graduate. He's quite a bright man and very personable, so it seems. The thing that strikes me about him is, you never hear him talk highly about any of his accomplishments. He never talks of money and barely mentions to my parents when he is promoted. And, he adores his wife and daughter. I declare, they' seem to still be on their honeymoon!

[chiguirre]

Battlemaiden, I sympathize with not having gparents live close by. It makes your dc relationship with them very different than it is with kids they see all the time. That's just the way it is, and unless you can pack up and move to be close to them, it's probably not going to change. OTOH, I'm sure that your sister envies you immensely in the middle of winter (I know I do--Hawaii!!!!)

[LibraryLover]

Are you sure everything is perfect for them? I am not saying no, just that I have one sister who thinks everything about everyone's else life is better than hers. Our sister had to set her straight on that. I am non- confrontational, and the oldest, so it never pays to get into that. (I am seen as a mommy -figure--and mommy is not usually correct. lol) I know my own sister has thought certain things about my life that are absolutely untrue.

[WTMindy]

Can I get a virtual high five and collective "sigh"?

 

I'm having a weak moment. Please don't judge me too harshly.

 

I don't want to seem unloving. I do love this sibling. But her life is just a breeze. She has the boy in t-ball, the girl in dance, the grandparents that attend all the events (school assemblies....but let's not start discussing "student of the month" or art awards), the dh home every evening *before* dinner, the weekends away while grandparents watch the kiddos...I could go on.

 

I'm so petty. I know it. I just need a moment to pout. I realize I chose this route, I know my kids will have great memories, I know, I know, I know....

 

I'm scampering away....

 

You know, actually I think I am that sister(in law). Things always seem to go pretty smoothly for us in life and it seems that my sil always has everything happen the hard way. Her dh is a pastor, and it seems God always has another life lesson for them. We are great friends, but I often feel bad because life just seems easier for us. We all believe that God has a plan, but we sometimes even joke about the fact that if there is going to be a hard way, they will get it. I don't think she resents us, but probably only because of the fact that she believes God is sovereign and has a plan. I also know that difficult times will come our way at some point in life.

[ereks mom]

(:D Sounds like ordering at McDonald's, huh?)

 

Dh's younger brother & his wife have great jobs that they enjoy. They seem nearly perfect in just about every way. Almost everything seems to go right for them. Dh's only sister married a man who makes lots of money, so she doesn't work, yet they built a big house and can afford to buy whatever they want. Besides clothes and jewelry and nice furniture, they are constantly buying the latest gadgets (cameras, computers, home theater equipment, phones, etc.) and they take two vacations a year, one summer vacation to the beach with the kids, and one fall vacation to the mountains without the kids. I don't think they're really happy , but I still sometimes feel envious that they don't drive beat-up cars or have a leaky roof or have to scrimp on groceries in order to pay the electric bill like we do.

[battlemaiden]

You described my SIL. She has the picture perfect life: grandparents down the street to help raise the one child. Massive home (doesn't everyone need 5000 sq ft home and suite and an additional floor for DD?), husband home for dinner most nights, grandparents to accompany kid to every event.

I'm jealous, angry, and happy for them all at the same time. How is that possible? While my DS is the oldest grandchild, the one 'perfect' grandchild is actually enough for them. They have chosen to know my children in photos only. :( The perfect SIL has encouraged this behavior. I guess it makes their lives fuller in the process.

 

Hmmm...maybe my hormones are kickin' in today, too?:confused: Sorry, this is a really emotional topic for our family. It breaks DH's heart, as it's his family.

 

jealous, angry, and happy for them all at the same time. You get it.

 

I want to clarify that this has absolutely nothing to do with wealth. This sibling isn't dripping in money and their home size is appropriate for their family. This has much more to do with life circumstances being easy- same small town for years and years (roots), babysitting down the street, kids in school all day, time for parents to go out together routinely because of previously mentioned childcare down the street. And as much as everyone warns of probable cracks under the surface- you'll have to trust that this family is solid- other than the occassional moment. And I wish them no harm!

 

I hope I clarified, as well, that I do love my sister. We get along great. She is wonderful. She. is. so. dang. wonderful. :glare:.....LOL. I was just feeling pettily jealous for my children because of all the attention poured out on my niece and nephew- I'm a jerk.

 

It has been good to read everyone's stories. It is morning now, and things are looking better. I got an email from my dh and we're going to the beach today so you can all throw daggers my way now. Thanks again to everyone for sharing their story, it was a bit of a balm to my wounded spirit last night.

 

Jo

 

funny edit: The email from my dh was the first since he left for sea (he won't be gone long). In the email he asked me to line up a babysitter for an event we need to attend when he returns. [eye roll]. Kind of rubs it in, huh?

[Kate CA]

Thanks Kate.

 

I am thinking a bit clearer now, although no less hormonally. :001_smile:

 

I don't think this is about personal affirmation, or even my children's successes and accomplishments. It is simpler than that. I think my extended family looks upon my children as a sort of collective entity. They love my children...but almost as a group. So I hurt for them that they aren't seen as the precious individuals that they are. I wish they were valued for their uniqueness, their character, not for their accomplishments- I can't provide school assemblies and most of our activities during these days of instability aren't on formal teams. I think it's just easier to notice those types of things. But I hear about every t-ball game and art project success and good grade and dance recital, etc. I do understand that my parents are only human and a bird in hand (my sister is less than an hour away) is worth two in the bush (or across the globe).

 

You're right. I wouldn't trade places. I love my life and my family. I am thankful for our many blessings. But honestly, Kate, tonight it didn't help keep the snark away when I heard about one more thing my niece was awarded- she's 6!!

 

I am feeling tender hearted, sorry to sound so sappy. I suppose I should channel all this emotional energy into completing a project of some sort.;)

 

Thanks again for your kind words.

 

Jo

 

Oh, Jo, I am so sorry. I do know what you mean about the collective viewing. Having five myself, I see it too. I know you move around a lot due to your dh's job, but are you able to develop any good friends where you are? I find my friendships are where my choices and children are validated the most, and not in my family.

 

This isn't to say our families do not value our children - I don't mean that. But at the same time, they don't live our kind of lives and it makes it all the harder for them to understand just how much we/they do and really accomplish. On the other hand, my friends do live similar kinds of lives and do understand the individual nature of my children and I theirs that I find I relate to them more than my family on many occasions.

 

I will be honest too and say that most of those "rewards" are just utter nonsense and I would be irked by them too! [insert evil grin] :)

 

Just know that you are not alone in your boat. There are many picking up the oars as well. Your children *will* have amazing lives and are loved. There is so much that you offer your children that your family may never know about, but your children do. Hugs to you!

[Ravin]

None of my family have that life. I do have one friend whose sister is kind of like that, but she has her problems, too, even if she is just a touch OCD enough to have a spotless McMansion.

 

My closest friends have the same issues (or worse) getting a grip on housework, and one struggles with major depression and has a brother who is an adult dependent to her parents; she worries a lot about what to do with him when they die. One of my sisters is bipolar and going wacky because her stupid doc took her off all meds in her 2nd trimester of her 2nd pregnancy (though I admit I'm a teensy bit jealous of the second pregnancy...but as a nearly-teen mom she had a head start) and they've got CPS breathing down their necks because of a crank report by a wal-fart employee and her inability to get her hoarding MIL to let her clean the house they share more effectively. Prior to her current marriage she was in a failed/abusive marriage and an abusive relationship with a jerk boyfriend. My other sister is in a LTR with a guy who has yet to commit to marriage let alone children (though in other respects he's a good guy), and lives up in Montana with him near his family. And my third sister struggles in her marriage and can't have any more kids even if she wanted them (also can't convince her husband to adopt). Like us they still rent, don't own a home, though they have the advantage of being back in our hometown near family. My fourth sister (foster sister) lost her dad to a quasi-vehicular homicide right before having her second baby at 19; she's got custody of two of her younger siblings now. Fortunately she seems to have landed a better guy this time around than with her first DD.

 

I personally wouldn't like McMansion/2 kids/"perfect" life. I dream of living in a yurt with 4+ kids and raising goats. :tongue_smilie: Not gonna happen while married to my allergic-to-all-hairy-things-except-hisself hubby, but in other ways life with him is good, especially since GF joined our household.

 

And by the time DD graduates high school, I'll get a grip on this housework thing. Really, I will.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Well, she does share with me her moments. I understand that everyone has moments. Actually, this reinforces my original feelings because her "moments" are so very fleeting and minor.

 

I was coming back to edit my OP because I realize these emotions were set off by getting off the phone with my mom. She was telling me about yet another school event for my niece. I swear they give you a certificate if you wash your hands properly :glare:. On further introspection I realize that when your kids are outsourced you just have so much more concrete reinforcement for every success. I really am just being weak minded tonight because so much of what takes my energy isn't noticed.

 

Maybe I should start making certificates. ;) Just kidding.

 

Jo

 

Jo,

This is a totally for real emotion. When I came off active duty in the military, one of the things I really missed was getting awards and annual evaluations. That was some nice ego stroking.

I think it is totally valid for you to give your parents and in-laws opportunities to give your kids accolades. That doesn't mean that you have to dress the kindergarteners up in graduation robes and a mortar board. But of course you can tell your family that you kid has reached some milestone and could they write them a note.

We tend to do school all year so we celebrate reaching the end of books (math, reading, Latin, whatever) with little parties. Give your family the chance to celebrate this too.

And I bet some of this is reacting to being on the most remote island archipeligo in the world. It is easy to be envious of the sibs who are near enough to you family to do stuff on a casual basis.