"Are they all yours?" Foster/Adopt content

[unsinkable]

I think many cashiers are trying to make conversation. They are standing all shift, probably on autopilot for the most part and they just say stuff without thinking.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think many cashiers are trying to make conversation. They are standing all shift, probably on autopilot for the most part and they just say stuff without thinking.

 

I agree that most of it is small talk. They don't want a long thought out response. They are fine, asking "All they all yours" and getting a simple "yes" or a "some are neighbor kids" response.

 

It's along the lines of "Wow, it's breezy out today". They don't really want to know how many mph the wind gusts are going or if there is a wind chill factor.

 

Some comments are ambiguous and really aren't meant to be rude. Other comments can't help but be rude even though 99% of the time the person saying them doesn't mean it that way. I've heard the "what are they" comments regarding my bi-racial kids. My dh has heard the "where are your people from" comments - and they don't mean the Seattle area. We've been polite but a bit pointed in our response back to those because I think they need to learn that you need to have some sensitivity in what you say. On the other hand, I've had comments that were 100% meant to hurt "You're muddying your race by marrying a mud person" comments from skin heads who've followed me while taunting me.

[angela in ohio]

My DH has a strange sense of humor. We were walking in Walmart with a few of our kids and grandkids, and a few of them are biracial. I guess DH had heard the question 'are they all yours?' one time too many........while we were in the middle of a crowded part of the store and while he was carrying one of the biracial kids he glared at me and said 'I STILL don't think he's mine!'

Utter silence. In Walmart.

 

Too funny!!!

 

I haven't had a chance to read the other responses but one of my favorite ways to answer a similar question (depending on my mood) is:

 

stranger: "Oh he must look like his father"

 

me: "Yeah, I have no idea who his father is"

 

(it's the truth since we don't know who he is)

 

These are hilarious. I think some people are still trying to wrap their brains around inter-racial adoptions, and so something stupid comes out of their mouths. Innocent curiosity can lead to silly questions. And sometimes I think, "Are they all yours?" is actually, "I really admire and am impressed by your family, but I don't know how to say that." I think humour is such a great way to handle it nicely.

 

I know a woman who drags every last child to the grocery store or anywhere else she goes, just so she can get people to ask if they are all hers. Then she tells everyone about how terrible it is that people comment on her big family, and how she is such a saint for putting up with it all and for doing the right thing by having so many children. She always gives some scathing remark back to the people asking. I think a sense of humour or kindness would do more to represent big families well, but what do I know. :D

 

I have three who look like differently sized and gendered versions of the same child, and we get, "no denying them, huh?" and "we definitely know who the father is, huh?" :001_huh: People also ask if the older two (2 years and 6 inches apart) are twins. Once again, I think people just try to make conversation, and that's the best they can do. If it weren't for the fact that I say lame things often, I'd probably be more inclined to be upset.

[Ravin]

I constantly get people asking me if my younger two are twins. Once when I said no, the person responded with "are you sure?" :001_huh::confused: They are 23 months apart. (at the bottom of this post there's a bunch of pictures of them together - http://dottiesuniverse.blogspot.com/2010/04/easter-and-spring.html - they do look alike but I think I'd know if they were twins.

 

I think a lot of people just don't think before they speak.

 

When people would ask if my sisters were twins when they were little, my dad's favorite response was, "No, they're six months apart." :tongue_smilie:

[unsinkable]

These are hilarious. I think some people are still trying to wrap their brains around inter-racial adoptions, and so something stupid comes out of their mouths. Innocent curiosity can lead to silly questions. And sometimes I think, "Are they all yours?" is actually, "I really admire and am impressed by your family, but I don't know how to say that." I think humour is such a great way to handle it nicely.

 

I know a woman who drags every last child to the grocery store or anywhere else she goes, just so she can get people to ask if they are all hers. Then she tells everyone about how terrible it is that people comment on her big family, and how she is such a saint for putting up with it all and for doing the right thing by having so many children. She always gives some scathing remark back to the people asking. I think a sense of humour or kindness would do more to represent big families well, but what do I know. :D

 

I have three who look like differently sized and gendered versions of the same child, and we get, "no denying them, huh?" and "we definitely know who the father is, huh?" :001_huh: People also ask if the older two (2 years and 6 inches apart) are twins. Once again, I think people just try to make conversation, and that's the best they can do. If it weren't for the fact that I say lame things often, I'd probably be more inclined to be upset.

 

I agree with this -- "Innocent curiosity can lead to silly questions."

 

But it seems like the message I am getting from this thread is that is it rude, offensive and none of my business to ask about big families and biracial kids. :confused:

 

ETA: I talk to moms while I am out & about. I say things like, "What a beautiful family! How lucky you are! I love'd it when my kids were that age!"

Edited November 28, 2010 by unsinkable

[Jean in Newcastle]

I just wanted to say that when I say that I've made pointed comments back, the ones that are the most effective are direct but polite, not the snarky come-backs (though I have said those on occasion too). What I mean is, I will actually say to someone, "I realize that you probably didn't mean anything bad by this, but do you realize that your comment could be hurtful?" If they are dense, I will spell it out for them, but usually people will put a hand to their mouth (to stop the comment from having come out!) and will say "I'm so sorry. I just didn't think!" And I believe them.

[Jackie in NE]

Today I had a cashier ask me if all the kids with me were mine. I had my four and FosterDS, whom we are adopting. I consider him mine so I said yes. He very obviously is not blood related to my butt-white kids:D so is this a way of asking if he is adopted? Different fathers? :001_huh:

 

I had another person say, "Wow, you ended up with one with brown eyes!" :lol:

 

I laughed to myself today when I answered "yes, they are all mine." I am sure she was :confused:

 

If you have adopted/foster kids, how do you respond?

 

I have one biological dd, who looks exactly like me, and 3 adopted dc. They all look wildly different (different races). And still, when someone asks me if they're "all mine", I am genuinely surprised! I am usually immediately irritated by such a personal question, which I consider to be rude coming from a stranger. I give them the "look".... the "seriously???" look, that says, all at once.... Seriously you're going to ask me that kind of question which is clearly none of their business? Seriously??? You're going to be that insensitive to these dear children? Then, I respond with a "yes", and that does the trick. Conversation over.

 

Once, someone asked me "which of my children were adopted". This was a perfect stranger. I gave her the "look", and said "Oh, I don't know, it makes no difference to me." Jerk.

 

Sometimes I think that when people are getting to know us in a new friendship type of situation, they are genuinely interested in our story, or possibly genuinely interested in adoption. Of course, that would be completely different from what I described above. With caring friends, who are genuinely interested, I am happy to tell them our story. Each child is a gift from God, and I don't mind talking about that amazing fact again and again!

[unsinkable]

I just wanted to say that when I say that I've made pointed comments back, the ones that are the most effective are direct but polite, not the snarky come-backs (though I have said those on occasion too). What I mean is, I will actually say to someone, "I realize that you probably didn't mean anything bad by this, but do you realize that your comment could be hurtful?" If they are dense, I will spell it out for them, but usually people will put a hand to their mouth (to stop the comment from having come out!) and will say "I'm so sorry. I just didn't think!" And I believe them.

 

What a kind and wonderful way of handling this!

[LibraryLover]

Except for one mean alcoholic neighbor who called my dc a 'chink', we've never had anyone say anything terrible to us. I don't know how we've managed that. I may have forgotten anything rude that happened a few years ago, perhaps, but I can say nothing at at in my recent memory. The comment was mostly "You have your hands full" , to which I always replied, "Sometimes you get what you wish for." Which is 100% my heart.

 

Here's how it goes for even me sometimes: I was in a tourist line in NH recently, and two caucasion women ahead of me had two southeast-Asian looking children with them. They called the women Mommy, and they did not look like biracial in anyway. We smiled and chatted about the line the weather and how cute all of the children were. Finally, I couldn't take it, and I asked one of the women if she wanted to see a photo of my dc (who was not with me). She said she would. (maybe she thought I was nuts at that point? lol ) I showed her a pic on my phone of my dc from SE Asia. She brighted, "Oh, wow!" she showed her friend and so we all started chatting it up together, and we learned each others' partial life stories about how our children arrived. It was nice. The line moved 'too fast' after that. lol

 

Even some people who have had these conversations over and over, still enjoy yammering about it all. So, if you ask me a question in way that doesn't seem unkind, I will probably answer your question. If my dc is with me, I will ask my dc if it is ok.

Edited November 28, 2010 by LibraryLover

[stripe]

When one of my kids was a baby, an acquaintance of mine -- who'd never seen my husband but assumed she knew his ethnic background (and she was wrong) -- basically told me that my kid couldn't possibly be my husband's, because the child didn't fit her perception of how his child would look. I didn't appreciate the implication. It took a lot of restraint not to hit her over the head.

 

I've found the book Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?: A Parent's Guide To Raising Multiracial Children by Donna Jackson Nakazawa to be a good one.

[Corraleno]

But it seems like the message I am getting from this thread is that is it rude, offensive and none of my business to ask about big families and biracial kids. :confused:

Why would anyone think it was their business? :confused:

 

Some kids may not be sensitive about being adopted (or being a stepchild, or even being a bio child who looks different from all the other bio kids), but some kids are hurt by having their "differentness" pointed out, over and over, by complete strangers. Why would anyone assume that their right to ask a complete stranger about intimate family details would supercede the child's right to privacy?

 

I think it's fine to say to a parent of a large or mixed-race family "My what a beautiful family you have." If the parent wants to say "Oh, only three of them are mine, the rest are friends," then fine. If they're a mix of birth/step/adopted/foster or whatever, then the parent can just smile and say "thank you" for the compliment.

 

Jackie

[sparrow]

But it seems like the message I am getting from this thread is that is it rude, offensive and none of my business to ask about big families and biracial kids. :confused:

 

 

Well, I'm sure you don't intend it to be so, but for a family that has to deal with questions all the time, it can be construed as such. We've been very fortunate. We've had few pointed questions, but when they happen, my hackles tend to immediately rise. I mean, c'mon, do my kids really need to think about whether not being biologically related makes them "real" brother and sister when we're buying a gallon of milk?

 

 

I just wanted to say that when I say that I've made pointed comments back, the ones that are the most effective are direct but polite, not the snarky come-backs (though I have said those on occasion too). What I mean is, I will actually say to someone, "I realize that you probably didn't mean anything bad by this, but do you realize that your comment could be hurtful?" If they are dense, I will spell it out for them, but usually people will put a hand to their mouth (to stop the comment from having come out!) and will say "I'm so sorry. I just didn't think!" And I believe them.

 

:iagree: It's the whole flies to honey saying. My most solid come back to "are they real brother and sister?" is "Yes. Why do you ask?".

[unsinkable]

Well, I'm sure you don't intend it to be so, but for a family that has to deal with questions all the time, it can be construed as such. We've been very fortunate. We've had few pointed questions, but when they happen, my hackles tend to immediately rise. I mean, c'mon, do my kids really need to think about whether not being biologically related makes them "real" brother and sister when we're buying a gallon of milk?

 

 

 

 

:iagree: It's the whole flies to honey saying. My most solid come back to "are they real brother and sister?" is "Yes. Why do you ask?".

 

Just to point out, I don't "question" moms about their kids/family/size/color.

 

I like to talk to moms about their kids. I say what I think are neutral things like "what a beautiful family" and the other things that you cut out of my quote. By cutting that part of my quote out, you are changing the full message of what I wrote.

[unsinkable]

Why would anyone think it was their business? :confused:

 

Some kids may not be sensitive about being adopted (or being a stepchild, or even being a bio child who looks different from all the other bio kids), but some kids are hurt by having their "differentness" pointed out, over and over, by complete strangers. Why would anyone assume that their right to ask a complete stranger about intimate family details would supercede the child's right to privacy?

 

I think it's fine to say to a parent of a large or mixed-race family "My what a beautiful family you have." If the parent wants to say "Oh, only three of them are mine, the rest are friends," then fine. If they're a mix of birth/step/adopted/foster or whatever, then the parent can just smile and say "thank you" for the compliment.

 

Jackie

 

I also said that I don't question moms but you cut that part of my quote out.

[sparrow]

Just to point out, I don't "question" moms about their kids/family/size/color.

 

I like to talk to moms about their kids. I say what I think are neutral things like "what a beautiful family" and the other things that you cut out of my quote. By cutting that part of my quote out, you are changing the full message of what I wrote.

 

That wasn't my intent. I'm sorry you felt I changed your message.

[Denisemomof4]

Why would anyone think it was their business? :confused:

 

Some kids may not be sensitive about being adopted (or being a stepchild, or even being a bio child who looks different from all the other bio kids), but some kids are hurt by having their "differentness" pointed out, over and over, by complete strangers. Why would anyone assume that their right to ask a complete stranger about intimate family details would supercede the child's right to privacy?

 

Jackie

 

B.I.N.G.O. Thank you, Jackie.

 

My dd is EXTREMELY sensitive to this stuff, and this is why I have a VERY strong opinion of it. She is the ONLY adopted/Asian child in a family of White, White, White people. Her difference is pointed out to her DAILY. Since she was TWO she has told me she wishes I were Chinese, she wishes her family was Chinese, she wants a Chinese sister. I wish we could adopt another Asian child but honestly, my dd's issues are so severe that we'd NEVER risk bringing another troubled child into our family. So she will always be the only one.

 

She struggles with being different daily. She struggles with abandonment issues daily. She struggles with self esteem daily. She does NOT need strangers questioning her existence. This is like pouring salt into her wounds. Honestly, why is it ANYONE'S place to question interracial adoption? How families are made? Why we make the choices we do? I don't ask you your waist size or how much money your husband or you make. Don't question my daughter's existence. It truly is NONE of your business.

 

Not to mention that ALL these questions are aimed at one child, REPEATEDLY, FOR YEARS. It really shouldn't be hard to understand that this is so hurtful to her. Adults should know better. Really, it's not like she's going around with three heads and eight arms. But even if she was, she still deserves to be treated the same. All kids want to belong and be treated the same. They deserve it, too.

[stripe]

Not to mention that ALL these questions are aimed at one child, REPEATEDLY, FOR YEARS.

Yes. People don't realize that everything they said has been said before.

 

When I was young, I got the same "clever" comments about my name over and over again, and every single person thought it was my first time to hear them. Similarly, people say the exact same thing when they see my kids and say anything about them. In Donna Jackson Nakazawa's book (Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?), she talks about how strangers obsess about certain physical details of her children. I have the same experience with mine. She also says that our first job as parents is to our kids, not to indulge the curiosity of strangers, and that even though this can be initially uncomfortable, we can be advocates for our kids by protecting them from this sort of scrutiny.

[Impish]

My DH has a strange sense of humor. We were walking in Walmart with a few of our kids and grandkids, and a few of them are biracial. I guess DH had heard the question 'are they all yours?' one time too many........while we were in the middle of a crowded part of the store and while he was carrying one of the biracial kids he glared at me and said 'I STILL don't think he's mine!'

Utter silence. In Walmart.

 

Too funny!!!

:lol:

 

On another note...

 

Wolf looks like his mom's family, who are First Nations. I had woman come up to me after Tazzie was born, who also looked First Nations. She'd seen Wolf dropping Diva at school, and wanted a look at the baby. She told me he was 'too white' (Tazzie is blue eyed, and my complexion.) She actually asked me if my husband had questioned me, b/c any biracial children with First Nation parents take after the First Nations. :001_huh: I then went through another grilling with one of his aunts and a cousin about Tazzie being 'too fair'.

 

I also want to applaud the parents that answer 'yes' when it comes to this question concerning adoption. MIL to this DAY will launch into Wolf's adoption story at a grocery store if she can work it in...even when he's not with her. She introduces him as, "My adopted son, Wolf". The kids get, "These are my grandchildren" though.

 

Wolf's an adult, and he still hurts over it.

[mommaduck]

I'm sorry for all of those that that are hurt that they are asked about the possibility of adoption or that the child looks different. I'm on the other end. I wish my mom and sd hadn't hidden the fact that I was adopted from people outside the family...and yes, it was hidden as though it was an embarrassing secret to be ashamed of. Inside the family, I was constantly reminded of how I "wasn't really blood" and my siblings were only "half siblings", etc. I cannot tell you how much grief it caused. I wish people had just been honest.

[stripe]

Inside the family, I was constantly reminded of how I "wasn't really blood" and my siblings were only "half siblings", etc. I cannot tell you how much grief it caused. I wish people had just been honest.

I agree with you on this, from my own personal experience as well, of not appreciating the past being sanitized for other people's comfort. But I think there's a difference between hiding something and/or lying about it (and certainly nasty comments within the family) and allowing strangers to make your child uncomfortable, where you feel you have a DUTY to answer every goofy question.

 

Where I live, there seem to be quite a few interracial/international adoptions, on top of mixed families (or children of previous mixed unions...which is another issue altogether -- when you're assume to be adopted but aren't!) and hopefully with time and exposure people will learn that they don't need to know everything. But I think it is important for parents to protect their children from prying eyes.

[Miss Peregrine]

I'm sorry for all of those that that are hurt that they are asked about the possibility of adoption or that the child looks different. I'm on the other end. I wish my mom and sd hadn't hidden the fact that I was adopted from people outside the family...and yes, it was hidden as though it was an embarrassing secret to be ashamed of. Inside the family, I was constantly reminded of how I "wasn't really blood" and my siblings were only "half siblings", etc. I cannot tell you how much grief it caused. I wish people had just been honest.

:grouphug:

[BlsdMama]

Today I had a cashier ask me if all the kids with me were mine. I had my four and FosterDS, whom we are adopting. I consider him mine so I said yes. He very obviously is not blood related to my butt-white kids:D so is this a way of asking if he is adopted? Different fathers? :001_huh:

 

I had another person say, "Wow, you ended up with one with brown eyes!" :lol:

 

I laughed to myself today when I answered "yes, they are all mine." I am sure she was :confused:

 

If you have adopted/foster kids, how do you respond?

 

I don't have foster/adopt kids, but DO realize this is a VERY common question for larger families. It probably has NOTHING at all to do with how they look. After all, my kids look very much alike, all are fair, blue/green eyed, and are obviously siblings and yet I get asked EVERY TIME we go out in public if they are all ours... Normally followed by, "...Together?" (As in, really? You had THIS MANY kids? On purpose? It wasn't by accident and then you married each other?) I can almost promise you'll be hearing it constantly.

 

As for the mother who "drags" all of her kids to the grocery store - what else would she do with them? Just because I take eight kids to the grocery store doesn't mean I want to be grilled by strangers. Honestly, you get stopped approximately every 10 feet. And it NEVER fails to be asked (as though the person saying it is ever so witty) "Don't you know what causes that?" I try very hard to not reply snappishly, but let it be said that sometimes it almost takes you biting off the end of your tongue to smile and move on.

Edited November 29, 2010 by BlsdMama