Why do I feel like the only one who gets mad?

[jcgonczi]

This is my first year homeschooling. We aren't doing strict homeschooling. My dd goes to school 2 days week. The other 3 days we homeschool using the assignments provided by the teachers at her school. I love the environment, curriculum, everything. Except my daughter at times. I do love her, but she is driving me crazy. I just don't know what to do. Here are a few examples of what she is doing:

 

This morning she was reading out loud about Ancient Rome. She just kept not reading things correctly that she knows how to read. Even after I told her what it said, she would not read the sentence correctly. It took 15 minutes to read 2 sentences that she knows how to read every word of.

 

Eventually she had to read the word centurions. By no means did I expect my third grader to be able to read that word on her own. So I helped her break it down into syllables. It literally took her over ten minutes to pronounce "cen" and "tur". She has been able to sound those our and read them since kindergarten. She simply refused to do it and kept saying it was too hard. She was crying and everything. I basically told her to stop crying and start reading. I even told her how to say each syllable and she still wouldn't do it. I eventually got so mad I was yelling. Not good, I know. I hate that I did. After about a total of 10 minutes to read the 2 syllables, she started reading and finished the chapter just fine.

 

Fast forward to math. The assignment was basically a review of what they have been doing for the last 2 weeks. I know she knows how to do every one of the 8 problems she was assigned. It should have taken her no more than 15 minutes. But because she wouldn't focus it took her an hour. It wasn't for lack of understanding or instruction or ability. She just wouldn't focus and do it.

 

She keeps doing this. I know she just wants me to give her the answers or say she doesn't have to do it. It is not that she can't focus or do the work. She just won't. About half of her home school days, she does fantastic. The other half she doesn't even seem to try. I always seem to start out fine, but after a few hours of her acting like I am speaking a foreign language, I lose my patience.

 

I give her breaks, but will not let her quit or have a long break just because she is acting this way. Because of our school situation, we can't take a day off. She goes to school on Mon and Wed. and homework is due the next day. I like this because we need accountability.

 

I know I have rambled on and on - sorry! I just don't know what to do to get her to focus and try. Nor do I know how to keep from getting so fed up with her when she won't.

 

Thanks for listening!

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: An awful lot of us have been there (and are still there).

 

A couple of questions -

Would she have done better perhaps if she'd read the passage to herself and then just told you about it (narrate) to check for comprehension? My 8 year old does better if she's got more control over how she does her school work. She knows that she's expected to ask if she doesn't know something (like how to pronounce the word centurion). I often will make a stab at something like sounding out a word but if we start to get frustrated I will just pronounce it for her and then we move on. That's what I would do if I were teaching in a classroom btw. Doing history reading isn't negotiable. How we do it is to some degree.

 

For things like a page of math, I will often break it up into small chunks. For example, I will ask my dd to do 3 problems and then I'll give her some active exercises to do (5 windmills, 3 laps down the hall and back) and then she sits down to do 3 more problems. Even with the exercise time it ends up taking less time because when she is doing the actual math she's focused and it's getting done.

 

That's great that she's doing her work cheerfully for half the time!

[myfunnybunch]

You're not the only one whe gets mad. I got mad yesterday over math. :grouphug:

 

I agree with Jean about giving some control back to the child and breaking it up into chunks, which gives you some control over the flow. It took me a long time to learn that. I wish I'd posted here, like you're doing and saved finally figuring it out on my own!

 

When I get frustrated, my ds gets frazzled and his brain does freeze up. Not because he can't or won't work, just that he gets stuck in the frustration. And I do think there is a little element of control there: Mom thinks I can but I said I can't, so I'm showing her I can't. Finding a way to come alongside and give some control over the process does avoid the ten minutes of "I know you know this!"

 

Now when he gets stuck, I usually either wait silently, or feed him the word/phrase then go back to it when the reading is finished ("Hey, let's see if you can re-read this sentence!" :) ) or if it's taking forever I let him do the work 5-10 minutes past the usual time I'd expect, then we move on to the next thing. Unfinished work waits until the end of the day, when it is usually done pretty quickly. It takes extra time, but I figure it's extra time either way, and this way we're not too frustrated with one another.

 

So now, it's all roses and peaches in our house....oh wait, I already wrote about getting mad over math yesterday. ;)

 

Also, for us anyway, third grade was the worst for this kind of frustration. They are making all kinds of developmental leaps at this age, and their little brains really do get muddled some days! My 4th-grader seems to be coping with frustration and with getting stuck much better than he used to. Hang in there.

 

Cat

[In2why]

You are so NOT the only one! :D

 

At least once a week, I have to literally get up and walk away from my 7 y/o so that I don't explode, and once in a while I don't make it. I am not proud of it, and I wish that everything was sunshine and skittle at our house, but that is not our reality.

 

I am beginning to wonder if it isn't a game of lets wind Mom up to see her spin, and as a result I am trying to keep the focus on him. When he begins to dawdle beyond normal, or blows off clarification, I tell him that my time is precious and since he is wasting it I am going to do "ABor C" and will be back at the table in 15 minutes or so to see if he is ready to continue. Then I throw in a load of laundry, return a phone call, or do something small on my to do list. But the important thing is to not engage in his game, or reward it in any way. Then when I am done I see if he is ready and he usually is because he knows that until it is done, he isn't going anywhere.

 

I am seriously hoping that it gets better, but I think some level of testing the limits is normal.

[Dawn in OH]

You are not the only one who gets mad.

I have my own time out chair. Yes, for me.

That's all I'm going to say on this subject.

[Jean in Wisc]

It sounds to me as though your daughter is trying to figure out who is in control of the household. She has thrown down the gauntlet, and now she wants to know if you are able/willing to pick it up. This is not reading or math, it is the question about who is in charge. Could that be?

 

I'd consider taking some time off from school and dealing with that issue first. I wrote about "yes, mommy" here: http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2041121#poststop

 

If this is a big part of the problem, after a few days of "yes, mommy" training, you can pick up school again--no it won't solve all the power struggles, but it should help. Once you've gotten some cooperation out of her, then you can evaluate whether she needs other intervention--attention deficit or learning styles.... I'd say you just need to take one step at a time--it isn't easy, but it is definitely worthwhile.

 

Best wishes on this journey...

Jean

Edited October 26, 2010 by Jean in Wisc

[Oops, duplicate account :/]

A lot of it is just learning the teaching ropes and learning patience. FWIW, I will add though that the additional pressure homeschooling brings can also help bring to light an underlying anger issue. I'm discovering this. I rarely take my frustrations out on my dc (usually dh get the brunt of it), but I am realizing that I do have an anger problem just the same. Admitting it is the first step for me. It's very freeing to just realize that! In the process here of overcoming, but keeping it real here just the same.

[IsabelC]

Sorry you are having such a tough time. It sounds extremely frustrating! I have had similar experiences with my 7yo and 5yo at times.

 

The most helpful suggestion I have been given so far is this:

When the crying starts, the learning has stopped.

(Sorry I can't remember who said this. If it's somebody here, thank you!!)

If your child is crying (or if you feel like crying), it's time to either take a break, or start something different.

 

I initially found this hard to do. The control freak part of me would always be saying "But I can't let him get away with this! If I don't keep pushing, he'll think that acting dumb gets him out of doing his work!". And so the more the child resisted, the more I would push. But the bottom line is that this isn't helpful. I might eventually bully my child into getting through the work in some fashion, but he won't retain the learning.

 

 

 

 

 

ETA - in the specific situation you mentioned where your child goes a bit silly and won't attempt a word she should be able to read, this trick almost always works on my 7yo son, so it could be worth a try.

 

I start with breaking the work up. For centurian, I'd cover up everything except the cen, and ask him what that says. If he says he doesn't know, I'd say "OK, so let's sound it out. What is the first sound?" He pretends he can't. Now the trick is that instead of getting more and more frustrated, I act more and more patient and kind, talking to him as if he's several years younger. "OK, well I'll help you. Let's see, the letter C stands for the sound |c|, like in cat. But whenever it has an e after it, that makes it stand for its soft sound, |s|. So we have s-e-n, hmmm, what does that make? It's sen, isn't it?" Big smile. And so on.

 

In a very short while, my son will decide that listening to me explain it as if he were a little one just starting to read is actually far more tedious and time consuming than just reading it properly! Plus, he's not getting any interesting angry reactions from me, because I'm just proceeding on the assumption that he is genuinely stuck.

Edited October 27, 2010 by Hotdrink

[kalanamak]

You are so NOT the only one! :D

 

l.

 

I have a terribly simple way of coping with this: my son marches on his stomach, and if his nightly dessert is put into jeopardy, he focuses much better. I use the phrase "eyes on the prize". When he hears me admonish him to do this, he knows he's burned up one warning, and his ice cream has taken a step further away.

 

I know this sounds really low. It sounds it to me, but I work for a paycheck, and if my boss warned me I might lose my job if I X or don't Y, *I* would sit up. Ice cream is his paycheck, right now.

 

Of course I tore my hair and took time outs learning this.

[hsbaby]

I have just finished crying due to the arguing, whining, etc. Kids have had all privileges taken away for the day. We have stopped school for the day and they will make the work up on Saturday. No, you are not alone.:grouphug:

[Night Elf]

I believe homeschooling is as much a process for the parents as it is for the children. I have learned so much about myself in the past 10 years and some of it is directly tied to our homeschooling lifestyle. FWIW, I had some bad times in the beginning. It got much better as we lived the lifestyle more.

 

And just to share what was a really personal lesson for me to learn, I found that anytime I became upset, disappointed, or defensive, I needed to step back and evaluate those feelings. They always led me to a better understanding of myself and how I perceive and process things. That is the major reason I said I discovered so much about myself.

[elise1mds]

You are SO not alone. Math is the one that slays us. Right now my son is literally hanging out of his chair, supposedly doing math. Is he really doing it? Of course not. I'm watching him doodle all over his paper. But I have learned that making him sit there till he's done is enough of a natural consequence for him, because it cuts into his playtime. I learned this by yelling and screaming and crying and doing every other trick in the book to try to motivate him to actually WORK. It's a giant learning curve for everyone. Homeschooling ain't easy!

[fairfarmhand]

You're not the only person who gets mad. I do it all the time.

 

When they're not trying I get up and say." I know you know how to do this. When you are ready to really try, call me. Otherwise, you sit right there and I have things to do."

 

Usually I get called back in about 5 minutes, and she starts all over again. "This is too hard. I can't do it. WAH!" I give the same speech as above and leave.

 

RInse. Repeat.

 

Finally she gets the idea that she is going to have to put forth some effort to be finished and be able to go off and do something fun.

[jcgonczi]

Thanks you guys so much for sharing! There are so many posts and stories about all the great things people do and how wonderful things are going for them, that I just needed to hear that other people have the same difficulties I am having. Of course, I am glad there are the "happy" stories to help me keep my eyes on the prize, but sometimes misery loves company. :) Or least likes to know it is not alone.

[KrissiK]

You're not the only one! I about lost it with DS1 today during math. We've been going over the same stuff over and over (and he gets it) and today, he's looking at like he's never seen it before. He's whining and I'm dumping froggy counters all over the table. Finally, I just said, "that's it! Do it yourself!" And he did. I guess. Maybe I should go check his work.:001_smile: It's easy to get frustrated and I find myself getting more frustrated with my kids than I ever did when I was in the classroom. I attribute it to the emotional involvement with my kids that I never had with my students.

[Carol in Cal.]

Good advice so far, and I would add--make sure that you're working with her at the right time of the day. When DD was that age, she really, seriously, could not do skills work in the afternoon. Not would not, could not. Her brain for that stuff came on first thing in the morning and only lasted until 10:30 or 11, and that was that. My sister teaches 2nd grade and told me that this is very common and lasts through about 3rd or 4th grade. So if half an hour of reading and math did not occur in the morning, it would literally take 2 1/2 hours in the afternoon and not be done well.

 

Also, most intense child issues can be solved with food, sleep, or hugs. Apply liberally.

[iona]

you are not alone:D

[Rosy]

I get mad too. And yell. It gets ugly at times. :P I laugh at people who make the "I'm not patient enough to homeschool" comment. If you're coming for sympathy and don't want advice, please skip the rest. :D

 

That said, it gets ugly a LOT LESS often now that I've adjusted my expectations. I will help DS (who is my difficult one) with reading words he knows how to read. He might not be moving forward as quickly as some, but we don't fight over reading. I sit down and do math with him. I don't tolerate stubbornness in other areas, but this is HIS education. I choose the subjects, we choose the materials together, getting the work done isn't optional but I try to come alongside him as much as possible. Same with my girls, but they're much more motivated. Do you give choices (like "do you want to do reading now or math?")? Some kids need to feel like they have control over their schooling to be successful. Again, I encourage you not to look at it as stubbornness, but as a partnership.

 

Another thought--can you lighten the workload at all? If she's going for hours every day, it might be too much. My 3rd grader does about an hour of seatwork (math, spelling, writing, mapwork and Bible), half an hour of read-alouds (history, Bible and science) and 15 min. of reading to me every day. We're not as rigorous as some around here, but it's working for us.

 

Finally, if she simply refuses to do her work, you might consider sending her to school with her work not done and let her suffer the consequences. Depending on the school, it may only take one time of her having to answer to someone else for work not done to make sure she never makes that mistake again. I would choose that battle carefully though, and make sure the teacher is on your side (maybe even talk with her before it happens).