Please help me come up with a reply for my ever annoying mother

[delaney]

Okay here we go again. THE COMMENTS. I am taking DS (4) out of preschool at the end of November because I am just not happy this year and I feel like he should be home learning side by side with his sisters. In addition we are always flat broke at the end of the year and this year has been the worst ever by far. I can hold her off with that excuse for not picking a new preschool. Then she addresses Kindergarten. UGH. Well why shouldn't he go to Kindergarten? Think of all the things he will be missing out on? The girls need to go to middle and high school. What about Prom? What about dances and all the social activities that are rites of passage?

Please give me some responses. The kind that close the subject once and for all. I want to tell her to just go away and mind her own business.

[fairfarmhand]

Here is an article that might give you some ideas...

 

http://www.tnhomeed.com/LRSocial.html

[Jean in Newcastle]

"Mom, thank you for your concern. But he is our son and we will be making the decisions regarding his education. If you continue to bring this up, I will hang up the phone (or walk out of the room)." This said calmly and firmly. Then follow through.

[misscometa]

Your Mom, sounds like mine :lol:

 

Take a few days, do not respond to her immediately, because one usually tends to answer with anger, and the wrong thing may come out. Mother's love to push our bottoms, they conceive us, therefore; they know how and what gets us upset. Ignoring, I have found it to be the best answer, you're not giving in to what she wants, which is a fight. Maybe you don't have to share everything you are going to do in your life with her. That's what I have done, and though is really freezes the mother/daughter relationship, I don't have to be thinking about answers to give her anymore.

 

This is your life, you're a grown woman with children, husband etc... What you choose to do with your life, whether or not she agrees with it, is what it is, your life, your home, your family. She already did all that ;)

 

Take a deep breath, and do what you think is best for your family.

 

Hope this helps

[MariannNOVA]

Okay here we go again. THE COMMENTS. I am taking DS (4) out of preschool at the end of November because I am just not happy this year and I feel like he should be home learning side by side with his sisters. In addition we are always flat broke at the end of the year and this year has been the worst ever by far. I can hold her off with that excuse for not picking a new preschool. Then she addresses Kindergarten. UGH. Well why shouldn't he go to Kindergarten? Kindergarten is not required by law - it is perfectly appropriate and common for him to stay home - in fact, if he does stay home, he will likely academically be ahead of everyone in first grade -- so why send him to first grade then? Keep him home and allow him to continue to progress, grow, excel at his own rate. Think of all the things he will be missing out on? New teachers who do not know him or what they are doing? Bullying, colds, coughs, illnesses, beliefs or attitudes contrary to what you wish to instill in him. No time for himself. And, oh, yes, he would be missing out on sitting in a classroom and wasting time. The girls need to go to middle and high school. What about Prom? Homeschoolers have Prom. Homechoolers can attend Cotillion - an excellent social/etiquette experience -- which also answers her next question. What about dances and all the social activities that are rites of passage? See previous answer -- and as for those rites of passage -- hmmmmmmm? I might respond that perhaps I don't want my children experiencing some of those rites of passage. They will spend time with kids their own age, but they will also benefit greatly from my influence as their parent. It's not good for kids to be out of the influence of their parents or family for the amount of time that most kids are.

Please give me some responses. The kind that close the subject once and for all. I want to tell her to just go away and mind her own business.

 

 

I'll try - and I certainly understand your situation. I will say that my mil would never open her mouth and comment, and my mom has decided that she will only praise me for homeschooling and tell my kids how blessed they are that I am doing this......yeah, I know.:001_huh:

 

Anyway -- my answers are in blue above. I would end any or all of those with: 'the decision is made. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but the decision has been made and the topic is closed for discussion. I am not saying another word about it.'

[JoJosMom]

"Mom, thank you for your concern. But he is our son and we will be making the decisions regarding his education. If you continue to bring this up, I will hang up the phone (or walk out of the room)." This said calmly and firmly. Then follow through.

 

:iagree: What she said.

[elfgivas]

it depends on the mother.... with my mom, i explained and she understood. with dh's mom, i said "this is what dh and i have decided is best for our dds in this time and place". explaining would have led to years of discussion.

 

in the initial years, i also posted regularly what we were working on, and sent them cute seasonal art that they would have been getting in kindergarten and grades 1 and 2. when they visited, i asked them each to teach a subject or three. after a few years, everyone was on board.

 

but.... this summer they began to ask about high school. so for my mom, i called up the standards for grade 12 and pointed out that dd would have met most of them by the end of next year when she finishes grade 8 homeschool, and just what was she going to do for 4 years in high school? end of discussion. dh's mom hasn't asked yet.

 

fwiw,

ann

[Julie in CA]

"Mom, I really need to talk to you for a minute about something...Dh and I have decided that we would like to have all of the children home for school. We decided this for a number of reasons, and they are all good reasons. We are very firm about this, and *will not be changing our mind about this* in the foreseeable future. I understand that you worry a little bit about this, and if it would help reassure you, I'd like to allow dc to occasionally share with you what they've been working on. I know the kids would be happy to show you what they've been working on, but that *can only happen if you are willing to support our decision, and to encourage the kids about their work.* What do you think?"

 

Then, if the response is anything less than graceful acquiescence, you end the discussion gently but firmly, "Mom, I'm sorry you feel that way, but we are *very firm* in our decision. Maybe later on you'll find a way to be more supportive, but for now, we need you to respect the fact that we have made a final decision, and not show your disapproval to the kids. I know you love them, but it would be damaging and confusing to them to allow that to continue. We'd like them to be able to spend time with you, but...this is non-negotiable."

 

Then, if she shows disapproval, limit contact. If mom asks why, you say, "Well mom, I wish you could see the kids more, but it was really confusing to them when you showed your disapproval of their education."

 

Eventually, she might come around. ;)

[LBS]

".....and, Mom, your opinion really matters to me and my kids, and I'd love for you to understand better about this mission I have. I am sure you'd agree with me and see it is the best, most loving situation for my kids, and will yield the best education, also.

 

"You raised me to use the brain God gave me and I am doing so. I don't think the schools will raise my kids to be the kind of citizens I want them to be.

 

"I want you to help me, please. Can you teach them how to ___________? I think its more valuable for them to know you, your history and your generation."

 

I'd say these things to my Mother.

 

LBS

[PineFarmMom]

"You had your chance to raise your children and make choices for them. Now it is my turn to raise mine, and I get to make the choices now. I won't be talking about this with you anymore." Sometimes when I'm just too sweet and kind about a topic like this, it leads the other person to think I'm willing to go on discussing it with them any time they choose.

 

Sorry. I feel less inclined to even consider all of those rites of passage anymore as I've seen some of the wonderful and different rites of passage we've had of our own that they can't get in ps. For what it's worth, dd went to a homeschool dance last spring where there was a nice dinner and probably 150 other homeschoo kids. There are so many opportunities now that I just don't buy those reasons anymore.

 

Someone once told me that if you choose to vacation on the east coast, you miss all the great things on the west coast. You get to see some awesome things on the east coast, but nonetheless there will obviously be things on the west coast that won't be part of your vacation. The same holds true if you take the opposite trip. It is a waste of time and energy to worry about all that stuff you didn't see. Just enjoy the things you DO get to see. That is the way I view homeschooling and how I've talked about it with others. We DO miss things that they do in ps, but they miss a lot of the great things we do by homeschooling!!!

[MariannNOVA]

"You had your chance to raise your children and make choices for them. Now it is my turn to raise mine, and I get to make the choices now. I won't be talking about this with you anymore." Sometimes when I'm just too sweet and kind about a topic like this, it leads the other person to think I'm willing to go on discussing it with them any time they choose.

 

Sorry. I feel less inclined to even consider all of those rites of passage anymore as I've seen some of the wonderful and different rites of passage we've had of our own that they can't get in ps. For what it's worth, dd went to a homeschool dance last spring where there was a nice dinner and probably 150 other homeschoo kids. There are so many opportunities now that I just don't buy those reasons anymore.

 

Someone once told me that if you choose to vacation on the east coast, you miss all the great things on the west coast. You get to see some awesome things on the east coast, but nonetheless there will obviously be things on the west coast that won't be part of your vacation. The same holds true if you take the opposite trip. It is a waste of time and energy to worry about all that stuff you didn't see. Just enjoy the things you DO get to see. That is the way I view homeschooling and how I've talked about it with others. We DO miss things that they do in ps, but they miss a lot of the great things we do by homeschooling!!!

 

I agree with everything you wrote - but really liked what I've highlighted in red.:)

[NanceXToo]

"Mom, thank you for your concern. But he is our son and we will be making the decisions regarding his education. If you continue to bring this up, I will hang up the phone (or walk out of the room)." This said calmly and firmly. Then follow through.

 

Yeah, that. I like that idea!

 

Another option is you could buy her this for a holiday present:

 

http://www.secular-homeschooling.com/dont_worry/index.html

[delaney]

I guess one of the rites of passage they won't get will be going to the Spring Formal for 8th graders moving on to high school. This would be the same formal where a few students were booted out of school for a week because they brought VODKA to the formal. Gee mom, wouldn't want them to miss that!:glare:

[SonshineLearner]

Maybe you should comment that you are worried about their outside activities and ask her if she'd like to help with the cost of ballet... or whatever else :)

[Parrothead]

I don't know if it will work or just invite more criticism. For me the change came about when my mom visited. We had a talk about school and about some of the things that go on particularly in this school district. She was able to see that 1) dd is a fairly normal kid with friends and activities. She seems to be well rounded if still a little shy. She isn't your stereotypical "weird homeschooler." 2) Mom's idea of high school is colored with time. She saw some of the teen moms pushing their babies around the park. "So many?" "Yes, I understand it was a pact or something." Not to mention drugs and sexting and the other undesirable things that happen in your "typical" high school. 3) Dh and I are pretty serious about academics. While dd may not be getting "The Classical Education" she is being well educated and will be able to function in the world after college.

 

So maybe if you mom spends the day with you and your kids doing school and seeing that you are not ruining them she might come around.

[cin]

Maybe you should comment that you are worried about their outside activities and ask her if she'd like to help with the cost of ballet... or whatever else :)

 

This is along the same lines as I was thinking. Rites of Passage: first joint, First drink, First, um, Tea Time. Yeah, all those rites of passage.

[elegantlion]

"Mom, thank you for your concern. But he is our son and we will be making the decisions regarding his education. If you continue to bring this up, I will hang up the phone (or walk out of the room)." This said calmly and firmly. Then follow through.

 

:iagree:

 

"You had your chance to raise your children and make choices for them. Now it is my turn to raise mine, and I get to make the choices now. I won't be talking about this with you anymore." Sometimes when I'm just too sweet and kind about a topic like this, it leads the other person to think I'm willing to go on discussing it with them any time they choose.

!

 

I think I've actually told my mom this and I allow her 1/2 "ownership" of my child. (He was born on her birthday, she prayed a long time for him, and they are best buddies, hence the ownership) Sometimes we just have to vocally set the boundary.

 

Would your mom like it if you were allowed to critique her every parental move from the time of your first memory? Why does she get to do yours?

[DawnM]

I don't know if you are Christian or not, so please disreguard if this won't work for you, but here is what I say......and try to say graciously!

 

"Thank you for your continued concern for our children and your prayers as we follow His leading for His best for our children in every area, including education."

 

Dawn

[misidawnrn]

"you had your chance to influence your kids, now it is my turn...thanks for your concern!"

[Tarreymere]

I am a grandmother, a stepgrandmother, and a mother-in-law. Naturally if any of my kids wanted to homeschool I would be supportive, but in a situation that I don't like or agree with, a polite 'its our decision, thank you for your advice but we have chosen to do xxxxxx' and a complete refusal to discuss the issue further has pretty much shut me down, especially on the phone when the kid has the chance to (politely) hang up on me. And they have hung up on me :tongue_smilie: