Kids clearing the dinner table (aka-- mommy yelling and screaming)

[starwarsmomma]

When my kids were babies and toddlers, I cleaned up everything. As they got older, we taught them to take their plate to the sink and rinse it off...

 

As they got older still, I expected help putting away all the salt, pepper, jars of whatever from the fridge, leftover food, and other things still sitting on the table.

 

Yet, even though they KNOW what is expected/the rule of helping (all of them), they don't. I have to tell them to come back and ..... come back here, you're NOT done.... COme back you missed this.....

 

I"M NOT THE FREAKING MAID!

 

NOw rinse the plate.. Now put it in the dishwasher. I've taught you several times how to rinse a plate. Blowing on it doesn't count.

 

Come back here... put the ketchup back in the fridge.

 

Come back here.... push in your chair.

 

come back here... pick up your glass and put it away in the dishwasher.

 

STOP FREAKING WALKING AWAY!!!

 

AARGH!

 

I fear I'm raising horrible children with no manners. I'm so frustrated. I keep imagining them as teenagers and them still being like this and it terrifies me.

 

So, what is your secret to getting them to automatically help without me saying 30 times to do it? This isn't NEW-- we've done this since they could walk and talk.

 

Help?

[Ellie]

I'm not sure it's realistic to expect them to do it without being told, but the rule in our house was that I told dc once to do something, and if they didn't, there was heck to pay.

 

So as y'all are finishing up the meal, look at each dc and give instructions. And don't walk way. Find something to do, yourself, so you're working along with them. If a dc wanders off, grab him by the ear and bring him back to finish his job.

[Jean in Newcastle]

When you see that they are almost done or before you excuse them or however your family signals the end of dinner, say, "Your job is to clear the table. Could you please tell me exactly what that means?" Hopefully reminding them before they get up will do the trick. If not, you may have to have a consequence laid out for each time they leave before the job is finished (perhaps 1 min. of extra kitchen cleanup?)

[Evergreen State Sue]

I've got the same issues and my kids are much older. I'm thinking of posting a sign that lists what "Set the Table" means and what "Clear the Table" means. Then you can refer to the sign and make it the bad guy.

[kalanamak]

When my kids were babies and toddlers, I cleaned up everything. As they got older, we taught them to take their plate to the sink and rinse it off...

 

As they got older still, I expected help putting away all the salt, pepper, jars of whatever from the fridge, leftover food, and other things still sitting on the table.

 

 

When I was little we were assigned duties for a month, and they rotated. The table clearer did it for a month, the table setter did it for a month. The dish washer or dish dryer did it for a month. The duties were very clear. Everyone else left that person alone, so there was no squabbling over who did what. It seems to me that the one brother I fought with and I never did the washing/drying together (we get on famously now).

 

For what you are doing, I would have one child clear the table (everything into the kitchen and put away the ketchup) and one scrape the plates and put them in the dishwasher...if they were mature enough for the job. They could trade monthly. If there is squabbling, the clearer does his/her job and the scraper then takes over in solitude.

 

HTH

[TKDmom]

:grouphug:

 

Two of my kids wander off if I don't give them constant "reminders" ;). My 6 yo dutifully clears everything, scrapes off any dishes that need scraping, refills the water pitcher, tells me to put away the leftovers.... I'm thinking that some people are just more aware of their surroundings, and what their duties are, than others. I'm working on keeping my cool and reminding the others what they need to do, without the yelling (it's definitely a work in progress). I'll agree that they seem to stay on task better when I'm working with them. I also catch them before they actually leave the kitchen, so I don't get quite as frustrated with their cluelessness.

[laurad1125]

We have afternoon chores that the boys are responsible for and the older ALWAYS forgets SOMETHING. I put a list on the fridge. It bothers me far less to ask, "Did you check the list?" than to have to remind him of every little thing. HTH!

[Garga]

I'm having the same sort of problems. I could have written that post (especially the part about telling them to stop walking away.)

 

I don't know if it will work yet (because I haven't done it yet), but I was going to post a complete list of every single thing that needs to be done. With pictures.

[melissel]

I've got the same issues and my kids are much older. I'm thinking of posting a sign that lists what "Set the Table" means and what "Clear the Table" means. Then you can refer to the sign and make it the bad guy.

 

This is a good idea, because they ARE still learning.

 

I was also thinking that your story reminded me of my DH driving to my parents' house in our early dating days. He drove the route every week or so for almost two years, and I had to give him pointers and directions every single time, until I finally told him I wouldn't anymore. He learned it very quickly after that! So maybe the rule should be that they cannot leave the dining room/kitchen until you have approved the job they have done. They must wait patiently for you to come (thereby gaining themselves extra time to look around the room and see what's still hanging around). When you come to sign off, you just give them a yes or no--no means they need to keep looking until they figure out what they missed. Some people just don't learn the routine for themselves until their reminder service is no longer there.

[KidsHappen]

I have a sign posted on the fridge. I made everyone sign it and then I tell them that they can't leave the kitchen until they have made sure they met all the conditions. If they miss something I send them back in and tell them that they can't come out until they figure out what they missed and fix it. Sometimes on the second time through they will catch something I missed the first time. ;)

[starwarsmomma]

This is a good idea, because they ARE still learning.

 

I was also thinking that your story reminded me of my DH driving to my parents' house in our early dating days. He drove the route every week or so for almost two years, and I had to give him pointers and directions every single time, until I finally told him I wouldn't anymore. He learned it very quickly after that! So maybe the rule should be that they cannot leave the dining room/kitchen until you have approved the job they have done. They must wait patiently for you to come (thereby gaining themselves extra time to look around the room and see what's still hanging around). When you come to sign off, you just give them a yes or no--no means they need to keep looking until they figure out what they missed. Some people just don't learn the routine for themselves until their reminder service is no longer there.

 

 

I love that idea. LOL

 

Might have to open a bottle of wine while I wait for them to figure it out. HAHA

[melissel]

I love that idea. LOL

 

Might have to open a bottle of wine while I wait for them to figure it out. HAHA

 

You know, whatever works!!! :lol: Seriously, I would totally do it. I do that to my kids all the time. "Something in this picture is not right. What could it be?" We'll call it critical thinking lessons :D

[Lolosoli]

I've done things pretty much the exact way you have done things for steps as they get older.

 

What I do differently in my home is that we all remain in the kitchen until the entire job is done. Some nights though I'll just say not to worry about it head on outside....other nights I'll have them stay right through drying and putting away the dishes. It depends on the meal and layout of the day.

 

Some nights if *I* can't leave the kitchen they cannot leave the kitchen. Until I say, "OK, guys, that's great...thanks" they need to keep working. It isn't something that is negative....it is just the way we do things. I also don't remind to do things they have forgotten...I give them jobs they need to do. So, I will give them all different jobs depending on moods, circumstances, etc., So, #1 will be in charge of cups, #2 in charge of all things that go back in the fridge, #3 in charge of all plates.....when that job is done they'll be given another job.

[Nestof3]

Your house sounds just like mine. I cannot seem to get anyone to do anything without reminding. :glare: Nathan put an empty cup in the sink today, and I looked at him like he had lost his mind.

 

When my kids were babies and toddlers, I cleaned up everything. As they got older, we taught them to take their plate to the sink and rinse it off...

 

As they got older still, I expected help putting away all the salt, pepper, jars of whatever from the fridge, leftover food, and other things still sitting on the table.

 

Yet, even though they KNOW what is expected/the rule of helping (all of them), they don't. I have to tell them to come back and ..... come back here, you're NOT done.... COme back you missed this.....

 

I"M NOT THE FREAKING MAID!

 

NOw rinse the plate.. Now put it in the dishwasher. I've taught you several times how to rinse a plate. Blowing on it doesn't count.

 

Come back here... put the ketchup back in the fridge.

 

Come back here.... push in your chair.

 

come back here... pick up your glass and put it away in the dishwasher.

 

STOP FREAKING WALKING AWAY!!!

 

AARGH!

 

I fear I'm raising horrible children with no manners. I'm so frustrated. I keep imagining them as teenagers and them still being like this and it terrifies me.

 

So, what is your secret to getting them to automatically help without me saying 30 times to do it? This isn't NEW-- we've done this since they could walk and talk.

 

Help?

[Danestress]

For a while, I think I would require that the kids wait until I dismiss them from the kitchen. No one walks out until I have confirmed they are in compliance, and if they have to stand there a few minutes waiting for me to have time, too bad. Stand there and wait. I hate being that way, but my guess is that if you did that for a couple of weeks, you could loosen up eventually (though I bet throughout their childhoods, there will always be periods when they are trying to slacken up and you have to get firm again).

[2squared]

While my kids are younger, I had some similar struggles with them cleaning up after themselves in the kitchen and dining room. Until the one fateful day....on this perfect, wonderful day I told them that when they were done with their snack, I wanted them to clean up so that I couldn't tell they had been having a snack. You know what happened? Everything got put away and crumbs were picked up with no nagging! It was like magic. Now I can just remind them using that variations of that same phrase, and they know what to do. I don't know why it worked, but something about that phrase really clicked with them.

[cougarmom4]

Yeah, we have our days of struggling with this, too.

 

You could try a fun way to make it a little more enjoyable--everyone works together to try to get the kitchen cleaned up before a fun, upbeat song ends; see if you can get it done by the time you get back from the bathroom; see if you can do it without anybody talking at all; set the timer and try to beat it; etc. My kids seem to cooperate a little bit more when I try to make it fun. (Okay, that takes a little more energy...and doesn't always work...)

 

Our family has a 10-Minute Tidy after dinner. We do our assigned dinner chore (changes weekly...we have listed exactly what's involved with each chore) and then quickly pick up our assigned "Zone" (also changes weekly...simply an area of the house that needs to be checked frequently--like put shoes away in front entry, hang up sweatshirts, pick up blocks in FR, put away music books by piano, etc). On days that we do it and everybody cooperates, it's awesome! It sometimes takes a bit longer than ten minutes...but we try to race the clock.

[Garga]

When you come to sign off, you just give them a yes or no--no means they need to keep looking until they figure out what they missed. Some people just don't learn the routine for themselves until their reminder service is no longer there.

 

A friend of mine worked as a maid in a hotel through college and that's what they did. A supervisor would audit the room and if anything was wrong, the supervisor wouldn't tell the maid what it was. The maid would have to figure it out and correct it on her own.

 

They learned real fast how to do it right the first time.

[Truscifi]

For a while, I think I would require that the kids wait until I dismiss them from the kitchen. No one walks out until I have confirmed they are in compliance, and if they have to stand there a few minutes waiting for me to have time, too bad. Stand there and wait. I hate being that way, but my guess is that if you did that for a couple of weeks, you could loosen up eventually (though I bet throughout their childhoods, there will always be periods when they are trying to slacken up and you have to get firm again).

 

:iagree:

 

Ds not only has to wait to get up from the table until he has been given permission, he has to wait to leave the kitchen area until he has permission. He does a great job helping clear the table. Now if I could only convince him that when i say 'Get everything of yours out of the car' I actually mean EVERYTHING, not just the toy he wants to play with right then. :glare: Am I terrible for threatening to throw his toys out in the trash if they were still in my car tonight? (He did get them all after that. Of course, he took them out of my bag he had borrowed to carry them in and left my bag in the car. Maybe because it wasn't 'his'? :001_huh:)

[RanchGirl]

So maybe the rule should be that they cannot leave the dining room/kitchen until you have approved the job they have done. They must wait patiently for you to come (thereby gaining themselves extra time to look around the room and see what's still hanging around). When you come to sign off, you just give them a yes or no--no means they need to keep looking until they figure out what they missed. Some people just don't learn the routine for themselves until their reminder service is no longer there.

 

This is a great idea. And if they do wander off before the job is done and approved, I would not start the next meal. When they get hungry and ask, calmly point to the messy kitchen and read a book until it's cleaned to your standards/their ability.

 

Also, with 3, they need to know whose responsibility is what... e.g. does each kid have a day of the week to be in charge of cleanup after meals, or each kid have a meal (maybe youngest does breakfast, middle does lunch, eldest does dinner), or does each have a zone in the kitchen. Something consistent so there is no confusion or wiggling out with "I thought it was her turn".

Edited July 22, 2010 by RanchGirl