Can you make someone respect you?

[Rebecca VA]

My poor 13-year-old has been very unhappy over the past weeks and months. She notices more and more that other girls ignore her. She isn't bullied; no one is ever mean. When she speaks, she gets a polite answer, and then the other girls turn away and talk about something else. But she feels disrespected and disliked.

 

I was trying to give her advice today, and I told her, "You can't force the other girls to like you, but you CAN make them respect you. You can do better in your schoolwork than they do, you can have better manners, you can work on your conversational skills, and you can wear better clothes. Lots of people in this world have started out being disrespected, and they had to work twice as hard, and in the end they were the ones who did well in life."

 

As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I started wondering if my words of wisdom were really true. Can you REALLY make someone respect you? Do you think that if you're an admirable person, people will respect you (and I don't mean agree with you on everything, or like you, but at least they won't have anything to criticize)? Did I give her good advice, or bad advice?

[Jean in Newcastle]

May I suggest that she read Dale Carnegies' "How to Win Friends and Influence People" It is still very applicable today.

[Renthead Mommy]

I was trying to give her advice today, and I told her, "You can't force the other girls to like you, but you CAN make them respect you. You can do better in your schoolwork than they do, you can have better manners, you can work on your conversational skills, and you can wear better clothes. Lots of people in this world have started out being disrespected, and they had to work twice as hard, and in the end they were the ones who did well in life."

 

In theory, yes this should work. But with 13 yo girls? There's a good chance it will make them feel she is trying to be better than them and then they really could turn on here. It's a slippery slope.

 

But I don't know if you really can make people respect you.

 

I can admire you for working hard in school. I can be impressed by your clothes or your manners. But I may still not respect you or like you.

 

I guess you have to ask her why it's so important that THESE girls respect her. I know, not an easy thing for a 13 yo girl. If she was 20, it's be easier to ask that and her say, I don't know, I guess it's not that important. Unfortunately, not a likely answer at 13.

 

Good luck.

[Chris in VA]

No, sorry, I don't think you can. I don't think we can control that--You can do things to make yourself respectable, but it is still the other person's choice to respect you or not.

 

I'm sorry she is going thru that, but perhaps it is a good thing, because it can teach her a lot about what is her responsibility and what is within her control, and what is not. There are many people who don't seem to get that--and it's a very, very useful skill that can lead to greater peace in one's life.

[Debbie in OR]

May I suggest that she read Dale Carnegies' "How to Win Friends and Influence People" It is still very applicable today.

 

This is exactly what I was going to say. So very practical. My family and I listened to it on a car trip once and we still (my dc included) refer back to the wisdom there.

[kalanamak]

 

As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I started wondering if my words of wisdom were really true. Can you REALLY make someone respect you? Do you think that if you're an admirable person, people will respect you (and I don't mean agree with you on everything, or like you, but at least they won't have anything to criticize)? Did I give her good advice, or bad advice?

 

People respect different things. My ex (who I did dearly love and don't mean to trash) was inordinately fond of funny/sarcastic people. All my cooking and gardening meant nothing to him in the face of someone who could make fun of me in a clever way. The upshot was that I lost respect for that part of him.

 

What I would tell your daughter is that by living up to her own ideals she will (in the big world of adults) gain the respect of people she values. Those girls who turn away may be trying to be polite, but just aren't interested in what she is. Not everyone has to like you. Simple politeness is enough. Maybe she just needs a friend.

 

One of the things I "got" out of being the weird kid in school was that while so many kids were trying to fit in, I knew I was so far outside the pale, I no longer cared what "the popular girls" thought of me. I moved on to more adult things, as I was not caught up in trying to be "cool".

 

Do you remember the popular saying in the 70s:

"I do my thing

and you do your thing.

I am not in this world

to live up to your expectations,

And you are not in this world

to live up to mine.

You are you, and I am I,

and if by chance we find each other,

it's beautiful."

 

Many a sappy photo was adorned with that 1969 Fritz Perls quote, but most left off the last line:

 

 

"If not, it can't be helped."

 

 

:grouphug: for your daughter, and a little patience. She will find her place in the world, even if it means waiting for her peers to catch up a bit.

[eternalknot]

"You can't force the other girls to like you, but you CAN make them respect you. You can do better in your schoolwork than they do, you can have better manners, you can work on your conversational skills, and you can wear better clothes. Lots of people in this world have started out being disrespected, and they had to work twice as hard, and in the end they were the ones who did well in life."

 

Disclaimer: I don't believe the above to be true. I can only speak for myself, but my respect isn't usually tied to someone's being better than me at school. Or having better manners. Or being better conversationalists. And definitely not wearing "better" clothes, which - of course is subjective LOL. Remembering back to my years as an adolescent, a girl who tried to reach out to me in friendship with those motivations would have been a turn-off. Insincerity and trying too hard will sabotage nascent relationships, especially amongst the adolescent girl crowd IME.

 

Can you REALLY make someone respect you? Do you think that if you're an admirable person, people will respect you (and I don't mean agree with you on everything, or like you, but at least they won't have anything to criticize)? Did I give her good advice, or bad advice?

 

You can't make someone really respect you, no. I used to tell my kids' dad the same thing when he demanded respect from our kids. You have to give it to get it, and even that is no guarantee on a ROI (sadly). You can only control your own beliefs and emotions and behaviors; not those of someone else.

 

Your second question is different than the first, though, IMO. I *DO* think that if you're an admirable person, people will respect you. I will admit having respect for individuals in my life whom I don't particularly like, but can view outside of my emotional relationship with them. Family, colleagues, even parents of my kids' friends - many, but not all, of whom have overcome adverse situations such as you mentioned to your daughter. That took me years of personal growth and maturity, though.

 

I think your advice was helpful in her gaining some understanding of what's happening in her unique situation; I don't think your examples were stellar, but I don't know that I could come up with any other examples that wouldn't have sounded equally ridiculous to my child (e.g., "good character" and "honesty") when he was looking to just fit in with kids who may or may not admire or respect those qualities at this point in their social lives.

 

May I suggest a book that I found helpful? My small-town library carries it, as does Amazon. It's called The Unwritten Rules of Friendship and has really opened up my child's eyes. We experienced a similar situation a few years back. Kids liked him well enough, but he hadn't gelled with them. He was always a periphery aquaintance. That's since changed, and I'm sure some of it was maturity (his and his peers!) and some of it was the insight this book gave him into how he could change HIS end of the social relationships he was persuing.

Edited July 20, 2010 by eternalknot

[Laurie4b]

My poor 13-year-old has been very unhappy over the past weeks and months. She notices more and more that other girls ignore her. She isn't bullied; no one is ever mean. When she speaks, she gets a polite answer, and then the other girls turn away and talk about something else. But she feels disrespected and disliked.

 

I was trying to give her advice today, and I told her, "You can't force the other girls to like you, but you CAN make them respect you. You can do better in your schoolwork than they do, Eek! you can have better manners Good manners is fine--better manners--Eeek, you can work on your conversational skills Yes, and you can wear better clothes.Eeek! Lots of people in this world have started out being disrespected, and they had to work Yes twice as hard, and in the end they were the ones who did well in life."

 

As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I started wondering if my words of wisdom were really true. Can you REALLY make someone respect you? Do you think that if you're an admirable person, people will respect you (and I don't mean agree with you on everything, or like you, but at least they won't have anything to criticize)? Did I give her good advice, or bad advice?

 

People earn respect by their contributions, their responsibility, etc.; they do not earn respect by being "better than" especially in middle school. I would not encourage any sense in your dd that she is "better than" other girls.

 

I would instead instill in her a long-term perspective. "Dd , the things that girls find attractive in other girls at 13 change by the time they are adults. When you are an adult, other women will value you for your kindness, hard work, cheerfulness [whatever her good qualities are]. Life won't always be what it is at age 13 socially." My dad did something for me like that when I was young and not very attractive--lots of acne,etc. He told me that girls "peak" at different ages and I was one of the girls who would "peak" in attractiveness as an adult. It gave me hope. And yes, I peaked later, and have now unpeaked. :D But when I was feeling so out of it, my dad's words gave me hope.

 

I would take it very seriously if your dd needs to develop her social skills. Is this with one group of teenaged girls or across the board? If across the board, I would work on it with her. You've gotten some good suggestions on books, etc.

[kwickimom]

I think it its just a whole different ball game with teenagers. God only knows what they are thinking :001_smile:

 

I actually think they are showing respect if they are being cordial. Personally I really feel there is nothing you can say but to just continue on being her true self and friends will come along. Its tough, I lived it myself (and still do sometimes)

 

I believe that always trying to be your best self is a good thing. But I dont think that trying to be better than people gains you respect. Amoungst teenagers it might actually have a bad effect. I think all she can do is be herself and try to find friends elsewhere, maybe with a new interest/class etc?

[Food4Thought]

I'm not sure you can make adults respect you. And I certainly doubt that anyone is capable of making a group of 13-yr old girls like you. :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm sorry to hear your DD is going through this. I had a *terrible* time in junior high when all my so-called friends suddenly up and decided to hate me. I did well in school, I had good manners, but I just had to suffer for a few years during that time. But I definitely learned about friendship, about patience, and about doing the right thing no matter what others think.

 

As for book recommendations, here's a good one I read recently dealing with navigating friendships: The Unwritten Rules of Friendships. It may be that part of your DD's personality is hindering her from finding friends as easily as she might like (I know that is the case for me).

 

Best wishes for both of you as you navigate this difficult age!!

[Guest janainaz]

I think that the most respectful quality in ANYONE is when someone is free to just be themself. I respect and admire that quality more than anything. Looks really don't matter, knowledge and power and grades, yada yada, blah, blah, blah, do no matter. What matters is learning how to just be, regardless of who you are with, and liking yourself. I would never recommend a book to my child that teaches them how to manipulate others into buying into an illusion of who they really are. My kids would never need that and I think they are 100% perfect as-is.

 

It sounds like you were telling your daughter to BE all kinds of things. My father worked hard to get others to respect him and in the process lost a lot of my respect in one of his most important roles - being a father. At his big retirement party, I listened to countless people praise him and give him ego-boosting props. He climbed the ladder, he reached his goal, his colleauges loved him, but was it really real? Now he's retired and I hardly see him. I'm sure glad he got the respect he was looking for. But I've just wanted to know him, not his illusion.

 

I would encourage my kids to be genuine in all they do and to just be confident in who they are. I think they are the greatest and I hope that they carry that knowledge in their hearts.

[Peela]

May I suggest that she read Dale Carnegies' "How to Win Friends and Influence People" It is still very applicable today.

 

:iagree:

I always avoided this book because the title turned me off, lol, but recently I read it and it really is excellent. Many, many good points in it. The modern editions have more modern examples than the original- I recommend that.

 

I am not sure I would focus on clothes or doing better at school as a way of gaining respect from people who are rude, but I understand you are trying something.

Learning social skills is something I have had to, as have many others, do consciously- they havent come very naturally. Your dd may need some training.

And, some people just arent worth bothering with.

[Melissa in Australia]

Respect does not = friends!

[myfunnybunch]

What I would tell your daughter is that by living up to her own ideals she will (in the big world of adults) gain the respect of people she values.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this.

 

Rather than teach her to live in comparison to others, even if that comparison is "better than" (which can be a social turn-off), teach her to be true to herself and to her values. It is a lesson that will serve her well for her whole life.

 

:grouphug: Teen friendships are tough.

 

I'll third the recommendation for The Unwritten Rules of Friendship. If nothing else, check it out from the library and skim it yourself to see if there's anything that resonates or might be helpful.

 

Cat

[mhg]

This post got me to thinking (here at 130am when I can't sleep) about my friendship history. Looking back on my 35 years, I would say that I have only two good girl friends (other than my best friend, my spouse). One of which I grew up with since public school (who lives 2 hours away) and one I met in grad school (who's now in India on mission field with spouse and kids). When I thought about how each came to be my friend, I recalled that we "hit it off" within a short time (within a few hours). All the rest --- the ones I sought/worked on that didn't come as easily ---- were just that: unnatural, not true/didn't last. I think two people either click fairly quickly or they don't / to borrow a line from Anne of Green Gables, we are either "kindred spirits" or we are not. I DO think it's harder for hs kids to find these kindred souls only b/c the POOL of peers to whom they are exposed is less than ps kids. Think about it, in my graduating class of 115, I had only one TRUE friend! (the other I met as an adult). I grew up with parents who taught me to just be myself and I felt confident in who I was, so I never altered myself for anyone. And I was respected by others for this. People would say I was friendly and I have several "acquaintances" who I'd call general friends, but as far as those rrue/lasting/deep connections, these are rare. I really believe that if a person dies having had even 1 or 2 real/genuine FRIENDS, then that person is blessed indeed. And that's not cynicism, I feel it's realistic. For my son (who's only 3) I have already begun praying for a kindred spirit friend for him. I'll pray the same for your daughter.:001_smile:

Edited July 20, 2010 by mhg
corrected misspelling

[hillfarm]

I agree with the general concensus here. Respect cannot be generated by being better than someone else. IMO, it must be earned over time and through behavior. True respect has to do with substance, not trappings and appearance. BTW, someone can respect a person but not want to hang out with them or be friendly to them. Sounds to me like your dd is looking more for acceptance and friendship, not respect.

 

My 11yo dd decided that she wanted to be interesting. She felt that is what would bring positive attention to her. We also discussed that in the process of becoming interesting (in her mind:001_smile:), she would meet many interesting people herself, some of which could become new friends. Then, of course, we went into the whole process of defining what is interesting and she came to the conclusion that while different things are interesting to different people, she wanted to be interesting to herself more than to others. And IMO, that was the key she was seeking. By being interesting to herself, having the self esteem and happiness that were generated by liking herself, she is much more appealing as a friend to others. Especially those who have some self esteem issues of their own (which seems to include most preteen girls I have ever meet). It is just fun to be around someone who likes themselves and is genuinely happy about things.

 

And the main secret dd has found to being interesting? She has learned to put herself 100% into what she is doing and to live life fully. How exciting to me that she has discovered that being a couch potato or bedroom mole are not furthering her aims in life!!!

 

A dear friend told me long ago that the early elementary years were the time to nurture a child for academic success, the early teen years were time to nurture a child for social success, and the late teen years were time to nurture a child for career and relationship success. I think she may have been on to something.

[Haiku]

"You can't force the other girls to like you, but you CAN make them respect you. You can do better in your schoolwork than they do, you can have better manners, you can work on your conversational skills, and you can wear better clothes. Lots of people in this world have started out being disrespected, and they had to work twice as hard, and in the end they were the ones who did well in life."

 

I don't think that's true of 13-year-old girls. I think that "stuck up" is how they would most likely describe this.

 

But really, who gives a proverbial rat's @$$ what a group of 13 year olds thinks?? Were it me, I would point out to my dd that she will be an adult for far, far longer than she will be a teen and that there are people in this world who don't realize that the things teens obsess about really are rather unimportant in the grand scheme of life, and as she gets older people will come to appreciate those with good character. Then I would take her out and find her some sort of off-the-beaten-track hobby or volunteer work to participate in, where the people will be more open and appreciative of her. Imo, if you get her involved in something "weird" like pottery or animal rescue, she will have the chance to be around more grounded people.

 

Tara

[Impish]

I agree with others that coaching her to be 'better than' isn't going to gain her respect, quite the opposite. I also think that its simply a bad plan all around...I don't think that viewing relationships and gaining respect is about competition and having to be better.

 

For those I respect, it certainly isn't because I perceive them as being better than I. (Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, so everyone is better at something that I, that's not what I mean). Its because of who they are, themselves. Their quirks, their wit, their kindness, point of view...not about perceived superiority.

 

I know I've said things to Diva, that I've reflected on, and had to go back and admit that I messed up. If this was my family, this situation would definitely be one of those moments.

[Rebecca VA]

Well, it sounds as though I was on the wrong track. I was trying to liken her situation to that of people who were unaccepted early on (for example, groups of immigrants to this country) and who played so carefully by the rules that they won out in the end. I know that not everyone is going to accept her, and honestly, I don't really want her hanging around with the public school teens (in her ballet school) and going to their parties. I just want them to respect her enough to consider her an equal.

 

I'll definitely look into The Unwritten Rules of Friendship and How to Win Friends and Influence People. She is feeling this rejection keenly and is willing to try anything.

 

She does have neighborhood buddies, and she has a dear friend who lives out of town but who e-mails and chats with her every day. This friend came to stay with us for a week last month, and the girls had a wonderful time. So I know she's capable of being a loyal and loving friend. She just needs to find someone else like this girl, and honestly, I don't think a ballet school is the place to be looking.

[Haiku]

I just want them to respect her enough to consider her an equal.

 

 

 

I don't think they don't respect her. I think they just don't quite know what to make of her because she's homeschooled and that's so, y'know, weird.

 

The best way to overcome that would be to invite them to do something with her, so they can see for themselves that she really is normal. ;)

 

Tara

[kwickimom]

If they are nice to her, that IS respecting her! If they didnt respect her they would be mean. And for a 13 year old to be cordial to someone that is not in their "group" is hard to find. I know it has to hurt not being acccepted as part of the group, but she will find others.

[Food4Thought]

My 11yo dd decided that she wanted to be interesting. She felt that is what would bring positive attention to her. We also discussed that in the process of becoming interesting (in her mind:001_smile:), she would meet many interesting people herself, some of which could become new friends. Then, of course, we went into the whole process of defining what is interesting and she came to the conclusion that while different things are interesting to different people, she wanted to be interesting to herself more than to others. And IMO, that was the key she was seeking. By being interesting to herself, having the self esteem and happiness that were generated by liking herself, she is much more appealing as a friend to others. Especially those who have some self esteem issues of their own (which seems to include most preteen girls I have ever meet). It is just fun to be around someone who likes themselves and is genuinely happy about things.

 

 

I wish someone had told me this when I was a teen. I'm in my 30s now, and just figuring this out for myself. Thanks for the good thoughts!