S/O- what would you do if your teen daughter became pregnant?

[lionfamily1999]

Not that you're looking for advice from a young mother who does not have a teen but I just wanted to give you a different perspective: My parents knew I would never let a boy pressure me into sex so they trusted me completely. BAD move. I would never let a boy pressure me into sex and I never thought I would have sex (SOOO MODEST - didn't let ANYONE see me naked) but when I fell in love, *I* was the one pressuring him! I am surprised I was not a pg teen, frankly.

 

Not sure how to have that talk with your dd but it really threw me (my emotions and desires). I never thought I would need to "fight" myself...my bf and I never tried to guard ourselves b/c we (neither one of us) thought we would never have sex before marriage (we had never felt tempted before so the temptation threw us for a loop). Does that make sense? It's important to know what to guard against and my mindset was always to guard against the boy's desire, not my own...

 

Just something you may want to add to your "talks"... (hope I didn't offend, just wanted to give a different perspective)

You make a great point. The desire to do the "wrong" thing should be, imo, included in nearly any talk about life. It's incredible how tempting something you've known forever was wrong can be.

[Mynyel]

I would put my arms around her and tell her I love her and would do everything to help her.

 

There is no reason to get mad...she would have already understood the consequences. I wouldn't yell, or scream or even cry (well I don't think). I figure she has already berated herself and faces the music by telling me. What else can I say to her that she probably hasn't already said to herself?

 

Nope I would just be there for her. That is it.

 

Oh and look forward to having another little one (that isn't mine!) in the house!

[Mejane]

It's important to know what to guard against and my mindset was always to guard against the boy's desire, not my own...

 

 

 

Good point. This is exactly how my cousin got pg at 19. Fwiw, they got married because both parents demanded it. The "baby" is now 26 and sitting in prison; he has had more troubles than I can or wish to detail. Those kids who were clearly NOT ready to parent didn't do such a great job and it has resulted in misery all around.

Edited July 14, 2010 by Mejane

[Mejane]

Ummm... I was making conversation. Sorry if I offended you, that was not my intention.

 

I guess I'm a bit touchy as I have seen too many of these types of conversations degenerate into bashing of others' responses. No offense taken or intended.

Edited July 14, 2010 by Mejane

[justamouse]

I think my daughter would be devastated, so there would be no harsh words needed, but plenty of love and support. Otherwise, we'd readjust to how to get her self supporting while helping her navigate her new life.

Edited July 14, 2010 by justamouse

[kewb]

Once I picked myself up off the floor I would sit my dd down and discuss her options. I would let her know I would support whatever decision she made. Adoption, abortion, keeping the baby. I would help her with whatever decision she chooses. I would listen, listen, and listen some more. I hope I would not pressure her into doing what I wanted her to do but enable her to listen to what her heart is telling her and what logic and rationale are demanding.

 

What I really hope is that my dd is not ever in this position.

[PiCO]

I hope you're kidding about this part. You don't have the right to decide that for her if you're not kidding.

 

I'm not really kidding, no. But we have actually discussed this. If she had strong feelings in another direction, I would respect her wishes.

 

My dd is almost 17, and I treat her as an adult for the most part. Part of being an adult is getting advice from other adults and then making your own decisions based on input from trusted advisors.

 

However, in my opinion parents do have the right (and obligation) to make important decisions for their children. I don't think forcing a child to adopt out her baby is appropriate or a good idea in my situation, but I'm not going to say it's never the best option.

[PiCO]

Just something you may want to add to your "talks"... (hope I didn't offend, just wanted to give a different perspective)

 

Thanks for the reminder. I have told her that she will want to have sex someday, because that's how humans are made. She's still in the "that's not going to happen to me!" stage-- but I do need to keep bringing that up.

[Hannah C.]

In my case, this situation will be a long time in coming - but I have much younger sisters, so theoretically they could come to me asking for advice in such a situation, too.

 

If my daughter became pregnant as a result of consensual s*x, I would support my daughter with the same resources I had to support her before the pregnancy, including health insurance, car insurance, phone, etc. No reason to take such things away. I would mention adoption to her as an alternative to keeping the baby, but I would not pressure her one way or the other. If she decided to keep the baby I would be willing to help with child care, with limits that DH and I would discuss and then I would discuss with her. She would also be able to live at our house while in high school/close-by college.

 

I would strongly discourage marrying the guy until they were both at least 18. If they decided they wanted to marry at that point I would pay for secular counseling, and help them find good, Christian premarital counseling.

 

If she decided to have an abortion there is no way I would ever consider paying for it. I would never disown her, but I would have a very hard time with that decision. I don't know if I could bring myself to go with her to the clinic or not.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

We've had many discussions about this. I did remind her that the courts could keep her in this general area for the life of a child if the father was in this area. They don't stop and think how many decisions would have to be made with another person even if the relationship didn't end in marriage.

 

I think many girls don't realize the true consequences on having a child with another person. You can be kept in state, you have to make plans around visitation schedules, the father of course has an input on education and daycare decisions...

 

My best friends little girl does to her fathers house every other weekend. Now that she's getting older, she'd like to do soccer or another sport. However... with games on Saturdays, and her father lives 3 hours away, it isn't possible. She'd miss half her games!

[JenC3]

No, I could not FORCE my dd's to place their child in a 2-parent home environment, but it would be strongly encouraged. No I wouldn't "turn my child away" to never see her again. That's just silly. Do I advocate abortion? No.

Look I graduated HS with TONS, literally dozens of girls who got pg at 14, 15, 16, 17, & finally months before graduation at 18. I watched them continue to act as they always had and jump from guy to guy and leave the child with their own parents. I saw them shrug, sign up for Medicaid, FS, etc. and get excited about baby showers:0, not babies. I watched girls stay in VERY UNSTABLE & DYSFUNCTIONAL relationships b/c they were the "baby's daddy." I could go on, seriously-YUCK. Watch Teen Mom on MTV if you want to see what I'm talking about.

 

I DO advocate LOTS of talk about sex, BC, and courtship, etc. with my kids as they become ready. I don't assume that my kids won't ever make mistakes so I also want them armed. I hope, PRAY, however that I raise them to be respectful of themselves and that having sex outside of marriage takes away from your marriage by waiting you have your whole heart and body to give and it is an amazing gift. One, I wish I had had to give my dh.

 

There are no guarantees, there are just years of foundation IMO and hopefully LESS moments of triage will occur.

 

FWIW, my own mother got pg with me at 21, single, and completely ignorant of pg, here body, & bc. Her mother didn't speak to her until she demanded to be in the delivery room 7 mths later:( My mom then landed in a facility for depression when I was less than a yr old. Even at 22, she was not ready to be a Mom.

[jewellsmommy]

My first thought would be HOW could you have let this happen?? You KNOW how birth control works and I buy you condoms!!!! (Granted, not yet, he's only 8 today - but he WILL know all about how to prevent pregnancy and STD's and I have no problem supplying condoms to make sure he has them for whenever he or his friends need/want them.).

 

 

As youth leaders in our church Dh and I had a good relationship with a teen. He was not extremely close (open) with his foster parents. He called me one night and said that he was being intimate with a young lady and the condom broke and wanted me to advise him. :001_huh:

 

Condoms are not fool proof. Unfortunately, that never crosses their minds. She did not get pregnant that time. It is 2 years later and they are adults and now they are expecting a surprise baby.

 

 

 

ETA: I can only hope and pray that dd will be as open with us as several of our youth felt the confidence to be. This conversation definitely took the cake as far as bizarre conversations go.

Edited July 14, 2010 by jewellsmommy

[Renee in NC]

On a side note, I didn't even know that homes for unwed mothers even still existed.

 

http://www.stgerardcampus.org/

 

Most of the girls do not live there, but they do have room for 8 at a time.

[Melissa in Australia]

Melissa, I hear your strong feelings on this subject. My dh has strong feelings against adoption, too. He's French, so maybe it is an outside-the-USA thing. He really thinks it's important for a baby to stay with his mom, that the baby was made to be cared for by his own mom. He was the first person I ever knew who thought adoption was wrong except in rare cases. As I get older, I'm understanding more why he feels the way he does.

thank you

[keptwoman]

On a side note, I didn't even know that homes for unwed mothers even still existed.

They are very important, there are still cultures where the girl would be in a great deal of personal danger if she fell pregnant unexpectedly. My aunt ran a home like that for a number of years, and certain cultures dominated in the girls who were there. They supported the girls to either keep the baby or adopt, but either way it was a safe and supportive place for them.

 

FWIW, my own mother got pg with me at 21, single, and completely ignorant of pg, here body, & bc. Her mother didn't speak to her until she demanded to be in the delivery room 7 mths later:( My mom then landed in a facility for depression when I was less than a yr old. Even at 22, she was not ready to be a Mom.

Do you think that with better support she would have been more ready?

[Geek]

I love the scene in Juno where she tells her parents and the mom says something like, "Well, we better get some prenatal vitamins."

 

I am pretty sure I would be more on the upset, pushy side if my son became an uninvolved father. I would see as the ultimate denial of all responsibility, lack of moral character and perhaps question my parenting.

You both spoke for me.

 

I wouldn't feel I'd failed as a mother if my daughter got pregnant, or if one of my sons got a girl pregnant. It's their subsequent behavior that would make me question my parenting (or not). If either scenario showed my children to be irresponsible twits, I'd be a bit brokenhearted.

[Catherine]

I do know that when I talked to my oldest about this, he told me that he and his gf had already talked seriously about what if they had sex (they hadn't) and she got pregnant. They talked about how they would handle it, if bc failed.

 

It was a proud moment for me-because he handled it just in the way I had taught him-to be rational, talk honestly with the young woman, discuss their short and long term plans. I was very glad that they were so levelheaded, assuming he was being honest with me. I am lucky that both of them are very ambitious and plan to go to college, which is well-known to be one of the most effective contraceptives : )

 

What I did then try to tell him was that he might not accurately anticipate how he or she would feel, in the situation, and that he should take into account that his gf might have a change of heart if she was actually pregnant. We talked about how young fatherhood would irrevocably change his life, especially if he and his gf did not stay together. He knows we would support him either way, but that it would still be his child. I think this was a very useful conversation-I don't think he had considered this possibility before.

 

Like Peela, I don't have a moral investment in one outcome over another. I know what I would *prefer*, but I'd stop short of even saying this to my son-it's not my "situation". And if he chose to be a young father, we would do whatever we could to help him.

[NanceXToo]

I suppose I would discuss with her what each of her options were. These would be raising a child, placing a child for adoption, or terminating a pregnancy.

 

I would let her know what help I felt willing and able to give her in regard to each of those options. I would talk to her about my own experiences as a teen mother. I would answer any questions that she had and listen when she wanted to talk, and I'd help her in whatever way I could to reach her decision- but it WOULD be her decision to reach in the end, and I'd try to help her through it whichever way it went.

[Garga]

If my dd's play with fire than they will get burned, but the child won't. If they are under 18 and in my home they will have to give the baby up. The only exception will be if they want and are old enough to get married.

 

 

 

 

I see that later in the thread you retracted that statement and said that you wouldn't force them to give up the baby, but it would be strongly encouraged. I'm so glad to hear you say that.

 

Because forcing someone to give up their baby (even if they're only 15) is so horrible, I can't even describe what I'm feeling. When I read that I immediately thought that you would be irreparably damaging your daughter. And not just a little boo-boo type of damaging. You would be scarring her beyond repair without God's divine intervention. That's not something people can just "get over."

 

It also reminded me of slaves in America, where the owners would sell the slave's babies. That is a crime (a crime) against humanity and is absolutely and totally sickening. In fact, there just aren't words strong enough to cry out against forcibly taking someone's child from them just because they got pregnant too soon. It is a horror.

 

(This is totally different from a mother willingly placing her child up for adoption because she knows she is unable to be a good mother. I'm only talking about forcibly taking a child from a young woman.)

Edited July 15, 2010 by Garga

[Scarlett]

(This is totally different from a mother willingly placing her child up for adoption because she knows she is unable to be a good mother. I'm only talking about forcibly taking a child from a young woman.)

 

I agree with you Garga....

 

Even when the young mom agrees to allow her child to be adopted it isn't easy. I think that in most cases the mom yearns and longs for that child she never knew. I see that adoption can sometimes be the best answer, but it is still painful to everyone...including the child who grows up wondering about their genes....

 

On a side note, anyone remember that song by Michelle Wright, 'He would be 16.' Heartbreaking.

 

So in conclusion I feel it would be best if there is no more pregnacy out of wedlock! :tongue_smilie:

[Terabith]

My response would depend on the dd. I am assuming that she would be upset to some degree, that it was a mistake and not a deliberate choice to become pregnant. If she were defiant and continually rebellious, I would respond differently.

 

I (hope) that I would have the grace and the presence of mind to keep my own grief to myself and focus on her. I hope I would respond by hugging her and asking how she was feeling about it. I hope I would have the presence of mind to tell her I know she's scared, but it's okay; we'll get through it together, and I love her, and that a baby is a blessing, no matter the circumstances.

 

My responses after that would probably depend upon the circumstances. A 16 or 17 year old who is fairly mature and has some experience with children and has been with a steady decent guy for a year would be different than a (God forbid) 13 or 14 year old whom I didn't know was with a guy or who (again, God forbid) had "hooked up" with someone. I would be far more directive and assertive with the latter circumstance. A relationship with a very dysfunctional (not just immature) guy would also change my responses.

 

I would let them know of my unwavering support. I would try to protect them from the public. I would go about getting prenatal care and such for them. I would ask them what they wanted to do: keep the baby, have me adopt the baby, put the baby up for adoption. I wouldn't suggest abortion; I would tell them that was their legal right, but I would not pay for it and would present reasons why I did not think it was right, in a very discouraging way. And I would pray very hard for her if she was considering abortion.

 

I would insist she talk with the young man, and that we talk with him and his parents. I would help them think about the consequences if they keep the baby. That we would help with what we could: child care, financially, etc, but help them think about the ways it would change their lives. I would let them know it would be very hard, but that I would support them. I would offer to adopt the baby, and I would talk about how putting the baby up for adoption, as hard as it would be for all of us, could bless the baby and the adoptive family. I would help walk them through that process if they chose it.

 

Even at 13 or 14, I would not make them give up the baby, but I would be far more assertive in trying to protect THEM. They might becoming a mother, but I am still their mother, and it would seem to me quite likely that an exploitive situation had taken place and I would be far more forceful and directive in my desire to protect THEM.

 

I was talking about this with my mother-in-law, and her perspective is very different. She sees it as the end of the world and imagines primarily situations in which the child was trying to get pregnant. I would be angry if that were the case (I'd probably be angry regardless, but this would make me far more so), and I would be less likely to offer as much support in my efforts to make my daughter take responsibility for the consequences of the action, but I would still try to care for the baby's welfare.

 

But, regardless of the circumstances, any choice will have lifelong consequences for my daughter, and I would want her to think through those. I would not want to put her in a situation of feeling forced to make any particular decision. I would give my opinion if asked and try to help her think through them, but ultimately it is her decision to make and live with.

Edited July 15, 2010 by Terabith
further thinking

[Sahamamama]

On a side note, I didn't even know that homes for unwed mothers even still existed.

 

http://agfamilyservices.org/352822.ihtml

[nmoira]

 

Not sure, but we are pro-choice so that would be one of her options.

This.