End of the Best Friend--article from NYTimes

[jillian]

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/17/fashion/17BFF.html

 

would like to know your opinions on this.

[Just Robyn]

Articles like that just make me think schools need to mind their own business - education.

[Murphy101]

It's stupid and actually setting them up for perpetual relationship failure.

 

The theory boils down to saying they shouldn't ever develop truely close deep relationships bc at some point the relatioship will fail them.

 

Basicly to avoid being heart broken - don't let yourself fully love anyone.

 

Yeah. That's healthier. Not.

[jillian]

thank you these are the same thoughts I was having. DH thinks that there is some merit to it. I just almost slapped him lol, though he is an extreme introvert and really doesn't like people at all.

 

However I can understand not honoring the parents attempts at arranging home rooms.

[Jean in Newcastle]

While I agree that not everyone will find a best friend and one isn't needed for a healthy life, I disagree with how the "experts" are weighing in on this.

 

I do think that there needs to be a focus on discernment in developing friends. I want my kids to develop godly friendships with people who will encourage them to be godly, even though of course no friend will be perfect, just as my kids will not be perfect people or friends. If you choose bad friends then yes, it can come back to bite you with bullying etc. But if you choose good friends then they can be a treasure to help you through tough times. This is a Biblical principle though that I would not expect to be promoted by schools or secular organizations.

[Mejane]

So, it's better never to have loved at all, than to have loved and lost? Centuries of wisdom down the tubes... :glare:

[Parrothead]

I generally go "pfft" and blow the story off when I read articles about new styles of education. This one really made me angry. How dare they! The idea is probably the brainchild of someone(s) that never were able to keep a friend for whatever reason. "I grew up okay without one, so no one needs one." Bunch of bunk if you ask me.

[Murphy101]

Does some of this, perhaps, speak to the introvert/extrovert issue as well?

 

The idea of having lots of so-called friends to the exclusion of one who really "gets" me, well, it sends me searching for the panic button.

 

See I don't even consider that friends!

Didn't they used to be called aquaintances?

Isn't the entire point of a friend that they are more to you than others?

I know lots of people that I'm friendly with but I don't consider them personal friends.

[Irene Lynn]

It sounds to me like everyone is to be an extrovert! I would not have enjoyed having 12 kids over at my house, unless it was a rare occassion like a celebration of something. I didn't really have a best friend growing up, but it would have been nice. I do think that kids would benefit from learning to get along with many different people, but not all people are going to be good friends. I have tried with my highly introverted daughter, I can't MAKE her be friendly. I can require that she be nice to people, but that is about as far as it has gotten so far. She does have friends, but they don't see each other often, since they are 30 or more minutes apart.

[SproutMamaK]

That's just sad. Heaven forbid a child have a best friend - that means everyone else ISN'T their best friend! How DARE they exclude others from their best friends club! Ugh.

[Dmmetler]

Best friendships can't be forced-or removed easily. My DD's best friend did not attend her Kindergarten class, has not been in any of her classes or other groups, and in fact, doesn't live in the same state. But they're simply two little girls who have a lot in common, and who just "click" together like two legos. It doesn't mean they don't have other friends, but there are jokes and ways of thinking that DD only shares with that one friend.

 

I wish we could get them together more-but the time they share together is very, very precious, and so is that friendship.

[StephanieZ]

Sick, depressing, sad.

 

The ironic thing is that in every study of wellbeing and happiness I've seen (as it relates to friendship), the importance of having a few close relationships is clear.

 

I certainly know that in *my* life, I find support, comfort, and energy in the few close friends I have in my life. . . while the other more superficial friendships are convenient, pleasant. . . but not at all the strength and inspiration that my close friends are.

 

I think there is value in being friendly and comfortable with a wide variety of people. . . but it is essential to have a few dear friends, and learning how to manage those close relationships has much greater influence on your future happiness in marriage/family. . . although I can see how learning to fake being an extrovert could be valuable in business.

 

I agree that they are trying to mold everyone into at least *acting* like an extrovert. I feel so sad for the kids who are being deprived their close friends. So sad.

Edited June 18, 2010 by StephanieZ

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Wow.

 

I have three best friends. One I met at 14, one at 17, and one at 21. These three girls have supported me, been there for me, and I've done the same for them. They all "get" me, in different ways, and I can always call them up for anything I need. One is the godmother (and namesake) of my daughter, and one was my sponsor when I was baptised.

 

I would gladly go without the other "friends" in my life to keep these three girls around.

 

I know that not everyone will form these type of close friendships, but I find myself incredibly blessed to have not one, but three lovely women that I can consider sisters, even though we aren't related by blood.

 

With that said, I also think it is important to learn to relate with many people, and would never try to arrange homeroom so my child could be with their friend. (Except in the case of serious social anxiety, when it could help to have a friend. Ask me how I know. :D) I didn't even go to school with my 3 best friends!

 

Like sproutmamak said, it is about the exclusion. I think this is related to why we no longer have tryouts for sports, and EVERYONE makes the team and gets equal playing time. -sigh-

[Mama Anna]

I have a few thoughts:

 

#1 It's about extremes. The educational establishment is doing it's best to mold the "perfect little politically correct citizens." Since any form of exclusion might lead to a school shooting, all of it is banned.

 

#2 It's about control. After all, that's what a school is there for, isn't it? (Heavy sarcasm here) Controlling masses of kids?

 

#3 Prov. 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." How dreadful to be kept from forming such a friendship if you can!

 

Mama Anna

[Nakia]

I've had the same best friend for almost 20 years. She is like my soul sister. I love her so much. I'm glad no one ever tried to discourage our relationship.

 

I don't get why schools are spending so much time working on things other than the education of their students.

 

I like what this guy said:

“No one can teach you what a great friend is, what a fair-weather friend is, what a treacherous and betraying friend is except to have a great friend, a fair-weather friend or a treacherous and betraying friend,” said Michael Thompson, a psychologist who is an author of the book “Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children.”

[Kirch]

This is ridiculous. Life isn't perfect. It's not easy. It's often messy. So why do so many adults seem so bent on trying to make sure that kids' lives are as "clean" and easy as possible? How in the world are kids supposed to grow up and be able to function as adults if the adults in their lives are so busy mitigating perceived risks that the kids never learn to make decisions or work through issues on their own? :glare:

[jade]

There's another part to this article -- it also discussed how difficult it is just to get kids together to play. That part rang true for us. We have to schedule playdates sometimes a week or more ahead of time because kids have so many activities. It's a separate issue that somehow got intertwined in the friendship part of the article. I find it annoying that it's often difficult for kids to just hang out together.

 

Kids have to be pretty resilient these days and adopt to many situations, particularly if parents work or if they're in sports, etc. While I totally agree with the odd position on trying to ban close friendships, i do think that encouraging kids to be friends with lots of kids has considerable merit.

[DaffodilDreams]

very alarming - - downright scary, even - - don't like that sort of intervention at all!

[Alenee]

 

I don't get why schools are spending so much time working on things other than the education of their students.

 

 

 

The reasoning behind the method seemed to be that they are trying to prevent bullying. I once asked (rhetorically) a friend why her child's school was dealing with s*x education at such an early age and her point, while maddening, made sense.

 

Parents aren't spending time with their children and raising them with distinct values. They expect that the kids will get all they need from school. (That could easily be tied into that thread from a few weeks ago about why parents can't spend time with their kids). Teachers are trying to manage a classroom full of kids from parents that don't take their parental responsibility seriously between the hours of 8am and 4pm....classroom management becomes more about social issues and less time spent actually educating children. Then you have the schools dealing with a ton of issues (s*x in school bathrooms, drugs, severe bullying, g*y marriage, trans*xual 5yos, etc, etc.) that were once left up to the parents to deal with however they chose.

 

Nowadays, a school counselor call the parents to tell them about the problems and the parents say, "What do you want ME to do about it?" Parents throwing blame back on the school and evading their responsibilities. So then you get the control freaks quoted in the article................

 

This is the answer to your question I believe. I don't like it one iota! But it is what it is. :glare: And it's just one more reason we choose to homeschool.

Edited June 20, 2010 by Alenee

[Rosy]

Articles like that just make me think schools need to mind their own business - education.

 

Word.

 

I think it can be great for kids to have best friends--I've also seen best friend relationships become codependent and unhealthy. But I think intimate friendships are important, and I think it's good for kids to learn how to be close to someone in a healthy way. And of course, as a parent I hate for them to ever be lonely or feel like no one likes them, so there's that.

 

As far as meddling in all that in the classroom....why not just butt out and let kids learn from experience, or <gasp> let their parents handle it??

[Nakia]

The reasoning behind the method seemed to be that they are trying to prevent bullying. I once asked (rhetorically) a friend why her child's school was dealing with s*x education at such an early age and her point, while maddening, made sense.

 

Parents aren't spending time with their children and raising them with distinct values. They expect that the kids will get all they need from school. (That could easily be tied into that thread from a few weeks ago about why parents can't spend time with their kids). Teachers are trying to manage a classroom full of kids from parents that don't take their parental responsibility seriously between the hours of 8am and 4pm....classroom management becomes more about social issues and less time spent actually educating children. Then you have the schools dealing with a ton of issues (s*x in school bathrooms, drugs, severe bullying, g*y marriage, trans*xual 5yos, etc, etc.) that were once left up to the parents to deal with however they chose.

 

Nowadays, a school counselor call the parents to tell them about the problems and the parents say, "What do you want ME to do about it?" Parents throwing blame back on the school and evading their responsibilities. So then you get the control freaks quoted in the article................

 

This is the answer to your question I believe. I don't like it one iota! But it is what it is. :glare: And it's just one more reason we choose to homeschool.

 

I think you are exactly right. It is a sad situation.

[Guest ToGMom]

I have a few thoughts:

 

#1 It's about extremes. The educational establishment is doing it's best to mold the "perfect little politically correct citizens." Since any form of exclusion might lead to a school shooting, all of it is banned.

 

#2 It's about control. After all, that's what a school is there for, isn't it? (Heavy sarcasm here) Controlling masses of kids?

 

#3 Prov. 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." How dreadful to be kept from forming such a friendship if you can!

 

Mama Anna

 

:iagree:

[kewb]

My first thought after reading the article was "Wow, adults really intefere." The attack on the best friends scenario reeks of some adults leftover hurt feelings from childhood.

 

Then I thought, there is some merit to separating kids with that really tight bond during the day. When kids are that attached to one another one or both of them is missing out on the opportunity to meet new people and form new friendships. Often, there is a lot of jealousy in those tight friendships at an early age. One child can be dominant and keep control by telling the other that they won't be friends with them if they play with so and so.

 

Then I moved into thinking about classroom management. It makes sense to separate friends in the classroom. Friends sitting together giggle and disrupt. So it can be viewed as a bad thing-control issues or a practical thing-the teacher does need to teach 20+ kids and that can't be done if the friends are causing problems.

 

My final thought was it really is parents driving this. What is the administrator to do when a parent alerts them to the nasty text their child received? Ignore the parent? Say that it is not their job? The schools are caught in a situation where parents expect them to take care of this kind of thing. Whether or not they should is a moot point. The expectation is there and fostered by parents and the schools have to respond.

 

No matter what the schools do if the kids connect with someone they will find a way to be together. I was not always in class with my closest friends when growing up but we saw plenty of each other after school and on weekends.

[Kari C in SC]

I have two best friends I grew up with. One I met when I was 2 and the other when I was 12. When my ds passed away last month, one of them flew from IL to FL to stand by my side and hold me up as I buried my son. Sometimes I don't talk to that friend for a couple months at a time. We have gone 5 years without seeing each other. But she is my friend. She has always been there and she did not hesitate to drop everything to get on a plane to be there when I needed her the most. My other friend has been there too. She couldn't leave her kids and go to FL, but she is there for me at any second I need to call her. I cannot imagine my life without either of these people. We don't live near each other, but we are the best of friends.

 

My oldest ds had lots of friends, but two stuck out as his best friends. They are so lost without him. They call me so much since he is gone and just let me know they love me. I am so grateful he had these kinds of friends.

 

My dd has her cousin that lives next door. They are best friends. She also has another girl that is her best friend. These two sweet girls surrounded my dd with love these last few weeks. Again, an amazing gift.

 

My youngest has 2 little boys that he tells me are his bestest friends ever.

 

I guess you could say that I value BEST FRIENDS.

[mcconnellboys]

Ummmm, how is it that educators and others in the professional community can deride "helicoptor parents" while simultaneously micromanaging something that is totally none of their business, such as friendship? I think they should butt out.....

[SW in IL]

Who says you have to only have one??? And this is an adult.

 

My "oldest" best friend was my high school sweet heart. We've been friends for over 30 years. I know I can count on him if I need a hand and vice versa. And this was a friendship that started when we were both in Junior High School.

 

It seems natural to me to have one or two friends who you can confide in -- whether you're a child or an adult. People you know you can count on if you need something. By forcing kids to have many friends, how can they form that kind of bond?

 

Just my 2 cents,

Sue

[Entropymama]

But increasingly, some educators and other professionals who work with children are asking a question that might surprise their parents: Should a child really have a best friend?

 

“I think it is kids’ preference to pair up and have that one best friend. As adults — teachers and counselors — we try to encourage them not to do that,†said Christine Laycob, director of counseling at Mary Institute and St. Louis Country Day School in St. Louis. “We try to talk to kids and work with them to get them to have big groups of friends and not be so possessive about friends.â€

“Parents sometimes say Johnny needs that one special friend,†she continued. “We say he doesn’t need a best friend.â€

 

Should a child really have a best friend? We say he doesn't need a best friend? Who do these people think they are?! :eek:

 

It's the kids' preference to pair up because that is HUMAN NATURE. We are all looking to form bonds and relationships with other people. Why is there this idea that having a best friend means you can't be nice to everyone else?

 

My dd8 has a best friend she's known since birth. Those girls have lived in different states for 2 years but are still besties and will probably stay that way if they can. DD8 doesn't have any trouble making other friends or engaging in groups, but she and her friend just 'click'. I think it's wonderful.

 

I am SO GLAD I have the ability to keep my kids away from these 'experts'!

[Rosie_0801]

But aren't these kids supposed to grow up to marry their best friend? I don't know about the rest of you, but I think the more practice you can get in with best friends before you're thinking of marrying one, the better!

 

:lol:

Rosie

[galtgrl]

But increasingly, some educators and other professionals who work with children are asking a question that might surprise their parents: Should a child really have a best friend?

 

“I think it is kids’ preference to pair up and have that one best friend. As adults — teachers and counselors — we try to encourage them not to do that,†said Christine Laycob, director of counseling at Mary Institute and St. Louis Country Day School in St. Louis. “We try to talk to kids and work with them to get them to have big groups of friends and not be so possessive about friends.â€

“Parents sometimes say Johnny needs that one special friend,†she continued. “We say he doesn’t need a best friend.â€

 

Should a child really have a best friend? We say he doesn't need a best friend? Who do these people think they are?! :eek:

 

 

 

It reminds me of Walden 2... don't be "exclusive"...ugh.

[IsabelC]

How dare a child choose with whom they wish to play?! Shocking! :001_huh:

[jillian]

How dare a child choose with whom they wish to play?! Shocking! :001_huh:

i dunno why but that made me giggle hysterically!!!!

[IsabelC]

I think that it is misguided to suppose, as the authorities seem to, that the way to fix any problem is to impose more control over young people. And not only more control, but any control. Where will it end? Schools already control what the child does, when and where, and with whom. They control what happens in the child's supposedly 'free' time during recess, lunch break and outside of school hours. Soon they'll determine an optimum breathing rate for learning and start penalizing kids who don't take the recommended number of breaths per minute. When will they figure out that children need more guidance and responsibilities, not more rules and mircomanagement?

[Rosie_0801]

When will they figure out that children need more guidance and responsibilities, not more rules and mircomanagement?

 

Beats me. My dad cracked the darks at me because I said I didn't want a heater guard because the kids would view it as a challenge and climb over it. I need it so I can teach them not to climb over it so they learn to follow rules, apparently. Seems like a lot of work when they already know not to touch the heater because it is hot, huh?

 

I had a rather micromanaged group of gumnut guides (our equivalent of daisy scouts) a few years ago. They were a lovely batch of girls, very sweet, very quiet, never messy. Quite unnatural really :lol: These girls demonstrated very nicely that micromanaging does not product independent learners and creative thinkers. My goodness. We were making bonbons from a kit and you had to push out the stamp pressed diamonds at the end so you could scrunch them. They actually asked if they could stick them on their bonbons. They were their diamonds pressed out of their bonbons, and they still felt the need to ask. Sweet, sweet girls, but I don't think they would be growing up to be tomorrow's innovators. :(

 

Rosie