Would you turn your child in?

[lionfamily1999]

I think it would depend upon what crime was commited.

:iagree:

 

While I haven't had this come up yet, I do remember my brother getting into trouble for B&E. My parents didn't turn him in to the police, they turned him in to the owner of the property. I think, in a similar situation, I would do the same thing.

 

When my dcs have walked out of stores with things they didn't pay for (aka stealing), I've marched them back in and had them "turn themselves in" to the managers.

[lionfamily1999]

What if it was a break and enter with tools, robbery and obstruction of a police investigation.

I agree with the others that would turn them in to the victim first. Then, I'd let the victim choose to call the police and continue with charges (:lol: yes, let them choose, vs. "silencing" them) or else allow my dc to work out some restitution between the two of them.

[katilac]

I just want to comment on the posts saying that the juvenile system is too lenient, etc. This varies widely by area, and I would never assume that a juvenile was going to get a fair, even if strict, punishment, without doing some research. What often happens is that the juvenile system is too lenient on repeat and violent offenders, and too harsh on first-time and non-violent offenders.

 

While I would want my child to pay a price for any crime committed, I wouldn't want them in the Louisiana juvenile system. If there were any chance of that, I wouldn't turn them in. I don't view myself as sympathetic to juvenile criminals, but here's a few quotes from a report calling for reform in our system:

 

Human Rights Watch found that Louisiana’s juvenile prisons violated international human rights standards

 

Since 1995, experts have found Louisiana’s juvenile prisons to be violent and dangerous places, within which education and therapeutic care are impossible.

 

Almost 8 out of 10 (78%) of the youth held in secure facilities are incarcerated for non-violent offenses

 

According to LSU, almost 20% of the incarcerated youth in Louisiana have been identified as seriously mentally ill or mentally retarded.

 

On average, there are more than 500 injuries to incarcerated young people due to violence each month — 100 of those injuries from staff on youth abuse or use of force

 

I'm not trying to start a debate on juvenile justice; I just would not want a well-meaning parent to turn their child in based on the assumption that they won't go to detention for a non-violent offense, or that they will be treated fairly and kept safe. Anyone faced with this situation needs to do the research! Ask around. Hire that lawyer BEFORE turning your child in, not after.

[lionfamily1999]

What often happens is that the juvenile system is too lenient on repeat and violent offenders, and too harsh on first-time and non-violent offenders.

I've seen this too. They're "made examples of."

[Chris in VA]

See now I think our Punishments in the US are way too lenient. I think a good Caning would be good for some of these kids. We have more crime because they get to go to jail where they can watch TV, eat 3 meals a day, and earn a Degree. That is absurd when some good, hard-working people can't afford to do all that. I teach my children, even young, that they have to clean up their own "messes." I would surely turn him in if he wouldn't do it himself.

 

Guess you've never visited JDC in Arkansas.

[TXMary2]

I would let them know that they had two choices: 1. they turn themselves in or 2. I turn them in.

 

 

This. Absolutely.

[laurad1125]

I want to click yes but in all honesty I'm not sure, at the moment of truth, I'd actually be able to do it.....

[IsabelC]

Nope.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I just want to comment on the posts saying that the juvenile system is too lenient, etc. This varies widely by area, and I would never assume that a juvenile was going to get a fair, even if strict, punishment, without doing some research. What often happens is that the juvenile system is too lenient on repeat and violent offenders, and too harsh on first-time and non-violent offenders.

 

While I would want my child to pay a price for any crime committed, I wouldn't want them in the Louisiana juvenile system. If there were any chance of that, I wouldn't turn them in. I don't view myself as sympathetic to juvenile criminals, but here's a few quotes from a report calling for reform in our system:

 

Human Rights Watch found that Louisiana’s juvenile prisons violated international human rights standards

 

Since 1995, experts have found Louisiana’s juvenile prisons to be violent and dangerous places, within which education and therapeutic care are impossible.

 

Almost 8 out of 10 (78%) of the youth held in secure facilities are incarcerated for non-violent offenses

 

According to LSU, almost 20% of the incarcerated youth in Louisiana have been identified as seriously mentally ill or mentally retarded.

 

On average, there are more than 500 injuries to incarcerated young people due to violence each month — 100 of those injuries from staff on youth abuse or use of force

 

I'm not trying to start a debate on juvenile justice; I just would not want a well-meaning parent to turn their child in based on the assumption that they won't go to detention for a non-violent offense, or that they will be treated fairly and kept safe. Anyone faced with this situation needs to do the research! Ask around. Hire that lawyer BEFORE turning your child in, not after.

 

I thought the OP was in Canada and not the US? I wonder what their juvenile system is like.

[blessed2fosteradopt]

My husband and I would bring our child to the victim and proceed from there.

 

Just one week ago, my parents came home to find their house ransacked. In addition to all their jewelry and electronics, the criminals stole Lladro figurines and jewelry that belonged to my mother's sister - her best friend - that passed away 4 years ago. She is devastated.

 

Our youth need to know that aside from physical and monetary damages, they are greatly impacting the emotions of their victims when they commit these actions. I believe that if this crime goes unpunished there will be a next time. It will send the wrong message. Things will only escalate. I would intervene before it is too late to do so.

[Mejane]

What if it was a break and enter with tools, robbery and obstruction of a police investigation.

 

Yes.

[swellmomma]

Great responses everyone. It was interesting to see the different view points. As it was that night it happened, I turned ds in as soon as I learned it was him. He decided to break into the bottle depot and steal money from a jar they had onteh counter for Canada day fire works. The police were stopping everyone int he area asking if they saw anything and of course ds lied to them and claimed ignorance. In the end the store owners dropped the charges stating it was due to his age and the fact that I turned him in making him take responsibility. We will be paying for the replacement on the window. All the money he stole that night (nearly $50) was returned immediately. He is grounded until he has worked off the restituition and his shrink has been informed. The whole thing has been incrediably stressful and humiliating. My hope is that by turning him in right away like that and making him face the consequences it sinks in finally to be thinking of his actions. The tools part comes in that he came home and got a small garden claw thing and a wood chisel from the garage and uased them to smash the window of the place. So not something that was a spur of the moment stupid act kwim. He will not have a criminal record as no charges are being brought against him from this crime. That said my extended family is furious that I turned him in anyway.

 

ETA: The police were on the scene when I took the kids there to find the owners. He broke in only 30 minutes before I found out and hauled him(and the others as he had dd and ds6 working as lookouts). So he was turned into the owners and police at the same moment.

 

ETA 1 last time: the worst part about it is he thought he was helping me. He told me he wanted to bring the money home to help me buy groceries because we were running out and I don't get paid until next week.

Edited June 11, 2010 by swellmomma

[TracyP]

I think you handled it BEAUTIFULLY! It couldn't have been easy.:grouphug:

[Forget-Me-Not]

:grouphug: Oh brave mama. What a rough situation for you!

[Mejane]

Don't let your family make you doubt yourself. My nephew is siting in jail looking at ten years because his parents always got him out of jams. I know it was hard, but you did the right thing.

[akmommy]

I chose other because it would really depend on the crime committed. Based on the situation you described, yes I would if I was unsuccessful in convincing them to turn themselves in. As much as I would hate to, because having a juvenile record can hurt future opportunities, but they have to learn to take responsibility for their mistakes.

[Jennifer in MI]

I think you did a VERY brave thing!!! Congratulations!

 

How was your d.s.? Was he scared?

[tex-mex]

I think I generally agree with this. However, I would also generally say that I would talk to them and try to talk them into turning themselves in, no matter what crime was committed (assuming it's not extremely minor like speeding, illegal parking, etc).

:iagree:

[tex-mex]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You did the right thing...

[simka2]

I'm so glad this worked out and they didn't press charges!!!!! I was in a similar situation when I was a minor. The mother of the friend who broke in with me decided we needed tough love and convinved the owner of the house to press charges. To this day my mother regrets putting me thru that.

 

It only served to increase my anger at her and things got worse from that point on. I'm not sure that there was any right way for her to handle that situation. Yes I was rebellious, but they had left us at our trainers barn alone for hours and it was cold!!!! Eventually, we broke into the house and helped ourselves to some food. No, it wasn't right of us...but 2 phelonies and a misdemeanor later...it had been blown out of porportion! I never felt safe with my mother again...and I hated how powerless I felt. I couldn't get us warm, we didn't have cell phones...anyway probly more than you wanted to know.

 

I'm really glad this worked out the way it did!

[3littlekeets]

Major hugs to you! I'm sure this was not easy on you, and I hope your family comes to understand that the lesson your son learned now was far more important the the restitution he will pay. Learning the lesson NOW, is invaluable, and will hopefully prevent him from doing something like this when he will be charged and prosecuted.

 

Much love!

[Kim in Appalachia]

I would encourage the child to turn himself in, or I would do it if the crime was violent or a serious offense. But the system is rough, and if I could find a way around it I would.

[swellmomma]

I think you did a VERY brave thing!!! Congratulations!

 

How was your d.s.? Was he scared?

 

At first no he wasn't. But when the officer came to our house to talk to him again he was. We didn't know at that point if they would arrest him or not. They had taken our information, returned the money to the owners and then told us to go home and wait. By the time the officer came back to let us know the owners would not press charges he was plenty scared. I still don't know if he was more scared of possibly being arrested, or of having to stay home with me and face my punishment but it did hit him by then how serious it was.

[swellmomma]

I'm so glad this worked out and they didn't press charges!!!!! I was in a similar situation when I was a minor. The mother of the friend who broke in with me decided we needed tough love and convinved the owner of the house to press charges. To this day my mother regrets putting me thru that.

 

It only served to increase my anger at her and things got worse from that point on. I'm not sure that there was any right way for her to handle that situation. Yes I was rebellious, but they had left us at our trainers barn alone for hours and it was cold!!!! Eventually, we broke into the house and helped ourselves to some food. No, it wasn't right of us...but 2 phelonies and a misdemeanor later...it had been blown out of porportion! I never felt safe with my mother again...and I hated how powerless I felt. I couldn't get us warm, we didn't have cell phones...anyway probly more than you wanted to know.

 

I'm really glad this worked out the way it did!

 

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I think though for our situation I would rather face my child hating me forever than risk them thinking these behaviours are acceptable.

 

Funny aside in this, we were working through a mother's day lapbook last week(I decided we missed it for mother's day but my birthday is in a couple days so they are finishing it for then). Anyway in one little component the kids had to list 6 ajectives describing me and all 3 listed protective as number 1(actually ds 6 dictated "big fat mama bear" for his). I had a long talk with ds the other day talking about how even turning him in fits into me being protective of them. I was protecting his future by nipping this in the bud immediately. I didn't want them to think I am protective sometimes but then "throw them under the bus" other times kwim.

I never dreamed when I had him almost 12 yrs ago that I would have to face decisions like that.

[lionfamily1999]

ETA: The police were on the scene when I took the kids there to find the owners. He broke in only 30 minutes before I found out and hauled him(and the others as he had dd and ds6 working as lookouts). So he was turned into the owners and police at the same moment.

 

ETA 1 last time: the worst part about it is he thought he was helping me. He told me he wanted to bring the money home to help me buy groceries because we were running out and I don't get paid until next week.

First, WELL DONE :hurray:

 

Now, that bolded section, that would tick me off. Steam coming out of the ears, youbetterhopetheyputyouinaholdingcellovernight, kind of angry.

 

That second part, that's manipulation Mom. I gotta bridge for sale.

 

:lol: Having read the series, I don't know if I would've strangled him first and asked questions later or what. You definitely handled this very well.

[mirabillis]

Never. I would protect my child in any way possible. We would deal with it in our own way, and go from there.

[mommytobees]

Given the age of your children, no, I would not.

 

I would, however, get the child some serious professional help.

 

Kris

[FaithManor]

Yes, it wouldn't be easy but I would.

 

My cousin reported her 12 year old for breaking and entering. He had to do community service and the police really helped her put a "fear of the law" into him. The judge was wonderful and though her boy had been h*ll bent on self-destruction, this encounter with the law changed his mind and he is now on a good path.

 

Faith

[FaithManor]

The other thing to consider in all of this is that many judges will now charge parents with aiding and abetting as well as with obstructing justice.

You aren't doing anybody any good if you get thrown in jail for a night for harboring your child. Plus, with nearly all employers doing background checks, these are two charges that are very likely to keep you from getting a job. So, there is more to consider than just the child...there's the whole family and everyone's future to consider.

 

I voted yes because when I read he word "crime", felony came to mind. Misdemeanors would be considered carefully before being handled.

 

Faith

[Whereneverever]

Yes- because the consequences are there for a reason. I don't believe it's right to break the law.

[Tree House Academy]

What if it was a break and enter with tools, robbery and obstruction of a police investigation.

 

For me, it would depend on the age of my child and whether or not he knew the difference between right and wrong.

 

When I was about 10, some friends and I broke into this old house. The door was locked with a padlock and the boy who broke the lock thought no one lived there. He stole something and got in big trouble. The rest of us just walked through the house and left. We got a slap on the wrist, so to speak. The police were called and it was scary enough that I never had any desire to do anything like that again.

 

Did the child do this alone or with friends? If alone, that would really bother me. It would upset me if my kid "went along" but it would really scare me to think he planned and executed a robbery at such a young age!

[Tree House Academy]

ETA 1 last time: the worst part about it is he thought he was helping me. He told me he wanted to bring the money home to help me buy groceries because we were running out and I don't get paid until next week.

 

Awww...poor fella. You did the right thing, but man, that couldn't have been easy on a momma's heart given the "reason." :grouphug:

 

I am glad you contacted his therapist too.