how to keep boundaries without angering your mother?

[grace'smom]

We're going to visit my mother this weekend. Usually we have a really good time but I do have to do a little work to make sure my daughter does not get overloaded with sugar while we are there. I know some people don't believe sugar causes children problems so no flames, but our daughter really does have a strong hypoglycemic reaction to sugar and behaves poorly when she eats sweets. Especially without a fat or protein to slow down her digestion.

 

So my mother has sort of a passive aggressive problem, and when you tell her no about something she often tries to do it anyway. She used to slip Grace sweets behind my back until Grace came up allergic to almost all food, LOL, and even then there was a learning curve before she understood that Grace can't.eat.certain.foods. I can't tell you how many times I have walked into the kitchen at her house hearing the words "don't tell your mom" and she's handing Grace a marshmallow or a piece of chocolate. Then by the end of the trip Grace is a nightmare who has screaming fits and throws herself into walls crying because she's got caffeine and sugar overflowing through her body. And then I resolve never to visit again but of course we do anyway. She's my mother and I love her. I can't stay mad long.

 

It's been a while, so we've planned a family trip to visit. The whole family, even my husband who generally avoids visiting. I was actually really excited because my mom has been really nice lately. Then my mom sends me an email yesterday asking me to bring corn-free powdered sugar and corn-free chocolate sauce, etc. She says she was able to buy some packages of meringues and lollipops without corn as well as ice cream. Just for the record, we're only visiting for the weekend.

 

I ask her what she wanted the powdered sugar for, and said the lollipops and meringues are probably plenty of sugar along with the special ice cream they bought her. I remind her that Grace doesn't do well with too much sugar so the stuff they already have is probably plenty, but I will bring the powdered sugar anyway. She emails me back telling me to just forget it and that I am condescending for questioning her, forget she ever said anything at all, etc. Pretty much expresses that I have totally offended her.

 

Uuurgh.... Now I'm just dreading the whole trip. I have to put my daughter first. Just because my mom gets offended every.time.someone.says.no does not mean I can skip out on doing what's right for Grace. How do I take care of my daughter without offending my mother? And how do I respond to this email? (Actually, she sent two emails, the first was just one line "Just forget it, sorry I crossed the line." Then the second one was the reaming out email that spent more time telling me exactly what she thinks about my response to her.

 

Should I just not respond and pretend like it never happened? I can't figure a way out of this one. I'm afraid if I say I'm sorry I upset her it could make it worse. She'll take it as a license to feed Grace whatever she wants. And I will resent apologizing for doing my job as a mom. :confused:

 

Just for the record she's a great grandma besides the passive aggressive stuff. ;)

[JudoMom]

We're going to visit my mother this weekend. Usually we have a really good time but I do have to do a little work to make sure my daughter does not get overloaded with sugar while we are there. I know some people don't believe sugar causes children problems so no flames' date=' but our daughter really does have a strong hypoglycemic reaction to sugar and behaves poorly when she eats sweets. Especially without a fat or protein to slow down her digestion.

 

So my mother has sort of a passive aggressive problem, and when you tell her no about something she often tries to do it anyway. She used to slip Grace sweets behind my back until Grace came up allergic to almost all food, LOL, and even then there was a learning curve before she understood that Grace can't.eat.certain.foods. I can't tell you how many times I have walked into the kitchen at her house hearing the words "don't tell your mom" and she's handing Grace a marshmallow or a piece of chocolate. Then by the end of the trip Grace is a nightmare who has screaming fits and throws herself into walls crying because she's got caffeine and sugar overflowing through her body. And then I resolve never to visit again but of course we do anyway. She's my mother and I love her. I can't stay mad long.

 

It's been a while, so we've planned a family trip to visit. The whole family, even my husband who generally avoids visiting. I was actually really excited because my mom has been really nice lately. Then my mom sends me an email yesterday asking me to bring corn-free powdered sugar and corn-free chocolate sauce, etc. She says she was able to buy some packages of meringues and lollipops without corn as well as ice cream. Just for the record, we're only visiting for the weekend.

 

I ask her what she wanted the powdered sugar for, and said the lollipops and meringues are probably plenty of sugar along with the special ice cream they bought her. I remind her that Grace doesn't do well with too much sugar so the stuff they already have is probably plenty, but I will bring the powdered sugar anyway. She emails me back telling me to just forget it and that I am condescending for questioning her, forget she ever said anything at all, etc. Pretty much expresses that I have totally offended her.

 

Uuurgh.... Now I'm just dreading the whole trip. I have to put my daughter first. Just because my mom gets offended every.time.someone.says.no does not mean I can skip out on doing what's right for Grace. How do I take care of my daughter without offending my mother? And how do I respond to this email? (Actually, she sent two emails, the first was just one line "Just forget it, sorry I crossed the line." Then the second one was the reaming out email that spent more time telling me exactly what she thinks about my response to her.

 

Should I just not respond and pretend like it never happened? I can't figure a way out of this one. I'm afraid if I say I'm sorry I upset her it could make it worse. She'll take it as a license to feed Grace whatever she wants. And I will resent apologizing for doing my job as a mom. :confused:

 

Just for the record she's a great grandma besides the passive aggressive stuff. ;)[/quote']

 

Can you teach Grace not to eat anything that hasn't been approved by you first? It seems that would be the easiest way to handle it, especially since she has allergies. My boys always ask before they take food from anyone. We don't have allergies, but they have always been light eaters when they were younger I tried to monitor the amount of treats they'd eat when we were visiting because they wouldn't eat any dinner if they ate too many treats. Incidentally, it drives my Mom nuts that she offers them a treat and they come ask me if they can have it (though we're now trying to break the habit and have the older ones make judgements on their own).

 

As far as your Mom goes, I don't have any ideas...I do hope the visit is pleasant anyway :).

[JVA]

So sorry you're having to go through this..... it's not fun. :grouphug:

 

The issue with your mom aopears to be more than food choices. She's undermining your parental authority and being disrespectful. She also sounds rather childish by putting your dd in danger. No matter what or how you explain your needs/desires regarding your daughter, your mother WILL get offended because it doesn't line up with her agenda/mindset. There is no way around it, sorry....... You are not to blame if she becomes hurt or angry- she's CHOOSING to have that response and it's not your fault. I would have a very frank talk with her to remind her of your dd's needs/allergies and that if your mom can't abide by her medical needs, then you all will have to cancel or cut the visit short. You can re-assure her of your love and that denying your dd these treats does not change how you feel about your mom, you're just putting her health in its proper place- FIRST !

I would bet that your mom has acted this way with other things and has been allowed to have her way?? Behaviour patterns are very hard to change. She may need a reminder about how and why these foods affect your dd and for everyone's mental health, you all need to be on the same page so the visit can be pleasant. Enlist your dh to be aware and step in so you two are on the same page. He may be able to distract grma or gently reinforce your standards.

We have a family member with these tendancies. I've learned a lot from the Boundaries books by McCloud and Townsend. Your library probably has them. Setting a boundary (like prohibiting excessive sugar) may offend, cause someone to get angry/hurt and lead to disagreement, but the boundary is important enough to hold to because of your daughter's health.

[AuntieM]

Can you teach Grace not to eat anything that hasn't been approved by you first? It seems that would be the easiest way to handle it, especially since she has allergies. My boys always ask before they take food from anyone. We don't have allergies, but they have always been light eaters when they were younger I tried to monitor the amount of treats they'd eat when we were visiting because they wouldn't eat any dinner if they ate too many treats. Incidentally, it drives my Mom nuts that she offers them a treat and they come ask me if they can have it (though we're now trying to break the habit and have the older ones make judgements on their own).

 

As far as your Mom goes, I don't have any ideas...I do hope the visit is pleasant anyway :).

 

 

Agreed. In our experience, the most effective end to gramma's sweet stuffing attempts is a polite refusal by the child.

 

Keep in mind that to Gramma, food equals love. She may need some new ideas of ways to dgd. Maybe you could mention Grace needs a new pair of shoes or would love to learn about all the plants on her yard. In other words, offer your mom some options for expessing her love.

 

As far as the email, I would completely ignore it and not respond. If she is trying to provoke a reaction from you, that would drive her nuts. If she's regretting that she hit the send button, it's better that you not fire back.

Edited June 1, 2010 by AuntieM
Meant to say she needs new ways to show love to g'daughter.

[SquirrellyMama]

:grouphug: I'm really sorry. I do understand because my mom is very similar. If you tell her no then she is hurt, offended and thinks that I'm telling her she is the worst person in the world.

[grace'smom]

Yeah, I'm the only one in the family that ever says no to her. And it's only because I have to or I would just avoid it too. You'd think my father was mute on some days, LOL. He's there but he just doesn't factor in :)

 

My husband is mad and doesn't want to go now. He is not as patient about the whole thing. But he'll go to support me.

 

I know what you're saying about the boundaries. I learned pretty quick when Grace was born that I'd have to be firm. I just wish there was a way to do it without upsetting her and causing an "issue." My husband and I don't fight. It's so stressful. I don't know why people want to spend their energy getting mad at each other.

 

So you think I should actually have a talk with her and get it over with instead of just ignoring the email? I think my mom's passive aggressiveness has made me avoidant. Now we both have issues! Maybe if I do it today she will get over it by Friday, LOL.

 

I just wish I didn't live in a world where dealing with my mother was like trying to play chess. I feel like I have to be thinking five moves ahead all the time or something might fall apart. I'm going to have to check out that book from the library. Thanks for the tip.

[Teachin'Mine]

She probably sees it as spoiling her dgd, not harming her. Is there something that your dd really enjoys that's a treat to her, but doesn't involve sugar? If there is, maybe you could somehow mention it to your mother that one of Grace's favorite things to eat is _____, but it takes time to prepare, and you haven't made it in a while. Just a thought.

 

But other than that, I'd have a tag team on your daughter with you and your husband so sneaking sugar stuff is kept to a bare minimum. Maybe you could also mention how there's some toy or jewelry item or something that your dd would love. Maybe your mom just wants the "thanks Grandma!" response from her dgd.

[momofkhm]

Keep in mind that to Gramma, food equals love. She may need some new ideas of ways to dgd. Maybe you could mention Grace needs a new pair of shoes or would love to learn about all the plants on her yard. In other words, offer your mom some options for expressing her love.

 

This is probably it in a nutshell. We have the same problem but not with food. My MIL's love language is gifts. We have never been to visit or have them come here that the kids don't get some sort of gift. Lately it is a $5 Target gift card. But it's harmless so I have learned to live with it. You don't have that option.

 

I would try as much as possible to teach Grace to say no. From your picture though, I think Grace may be a tad young. In that case, never let Grace near the kitchen with gramma unless you or dh are there also. At least until Grace learns to say no or gramma learns not to give.

 

Sorry you are going through this. :grouphug::grouphug:

[MelanieM]

I would probaby reply and say "I'm sorry you are choosing to feel offended by this, but Grace's exposure to sugar is a big issue for us and so we will have to find a way to stay within our family guidelines. We can't wait to see you!" Or whatever version of this works for you... but do include the point that she is *choosing* to feel offended. You are not offfending her, she is choosing that response. Do not take responsibility for her choice of reaction -- ever. When you refuse to take responsibility for someone else's behaviour, they stop trying to convince you that everything is your fault. They also take the drama somewhere else. As long as you feed into this type of response by trying to placate her (with your words, behaviour, or energy), she'll keep doing that thing she does because there's a pay-off and it works for her.

 

While I never had this exact issue with my mother, we did have some very HUGE boundary issues. I got clear in what I wanted to see happen and politely, but firmly, asserted myself... repeatedly. Our relationship is now the best it has ever been, and I have pretty much no mama drama in my life any longer. It's wonderful!

 

Best of luck to you. Have fun on your visit!

[Harriet Vane]

You cannot set boundaries without upsetting your mother. You might find it more peaceful within yourself to accept that she will be upset, and then do what you need to do to set the necessary boundary.

 

I would not be real tolerant of her teaching your child to disobey you and to lie to you and to keep secrets from you.

 

I don't think a lot of discussion is going to help your mother. In this case, I think less discussion might decrease the drama a little??? It doesn't seem as if discussion changes anything, so stop discussing.

 

Try just stating the rule, "Grace cannot have sugar now." If your mother pouts or is quiet in her drama, ignore it. Do not respond in any way to the non-verbal messages she is sending you. If she does object verbally, do not engage in a long, drawn-out conversation; rather, just repeat the rule calmly. Repeat as many times as necessary.

 

If you don't respond to the drama, she has nowhere to go with it.

 

As for Grace, I like the idea of making a rule that she cannot accept any food at all without checking with you first. I had to make that rule for my own ds because he cannot have milk, and too many well-intentioned people just don't remember or make mistakes in interpreting food labels. A rule like this makes life much simpler for everyone.

[SquirrellyMama]

If your mom wants to spoil her with food and I completely understand that then maybe you can talk with your mom and give her some of your dd's favorite recipes.

 

Or give your mom other ways to spoil her. Mini golf, bowling, movie, etc...

 

I do feel your pain from the dad who won't say anything to the dh who is mad and doesn't want to go.

[In The Great White North]

I can't tell you how many times I have walked into the kitchen at her house hearing the words "don't tell your mom" and she's handing Grace a marshmallow or a piece of chocolate.

 

This, I would have a major problem with.

 

I would not be real tolerant of her teaching your child to disobey you and to lie to you and to keep secrets from you.

 

:iagree:

[grace'smom]

 

While I never had this exact issue with my mother, we did have some very HUGE boundary issues. I got clear in what I wanted to see happen and politely, but firmly, asserted myself... repeatedly. Our relationship is now the best it has ever been, and I have pretty much no mama drama in my life any longer. It's wonderful!

 

Best of luck to you. Have fun on your visit!

 

How long did that take to happen? I would do it if I thought it might work...

[MelanieM]

How long did that take to happen? I would do it if I thought it might work...

 

It actually didn't take long at all for her to understand that I was no longer interested playing the game we had been playing. Honestly, it was just like implementing a new routine with kids... you let them know the layof the land, then calmly respond each time they cross the line you've laid down, pointing out the boundary, and they eventually learn it is not worth the effort to keep trying to wiggle around you and you all move on. I suppose how long it ultimately takes depends on the people involved.

 

I think the key to setting boundaries is being clear about what you want, and then responding with loving detachment *and* positive expectation when things are bumpy.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Y I just wish there was a way to do it without upsetting her and causing an "issue."

 

One thing you have to get into your head is that YOU are not upsetting HER. She is CHOOSING to be upset by your more-than-reasonable requirements. She is manipulating you in order to keep the status quo.

 

I totally hear you on the avoiding confrontation thing. One thing about enforcing boundaries is that there will be push-back. Changing this dynamic may be painful. Letting go of the idea that you are responsible for her reaction is the first step.

 

I had some boundary issues with my mom early in years of motherhood. I was criticized constantly for doing things different than her - holding the baby too much, breastfeeding, not spanking, my son's milk allergy, my other son's sensory issues, basically trusting my "mommy gut". I would try to explain and defend my choices and, to avoid the "huff", I would back down. The final straw came when she tried to bribe me to put my son in preschool, saying I was going to ruin him by homeschooling. I put on the big girl panties and set the boundary. I told my mom (in a nice, but firm voice) that dh and I were the parents and we have the right and responsibility to make decisions about our children. I assured her that I researched it plenty, like all the parenting decisions I had made up to that point. If she could not be supportive, we would have to just not discuss it. If she continued then I would have to either hang up or leave. Mom hung up on me and we did not speak for several months (her choice). Major ouch here.

 

Eventually, she came around. Slowly, she began to see that there was more than one way to do things and that I did know my children better then her and I did know what was best for them. Now, she never did say that to my face, but her friends would ask me questions or comment in a way that made it clear that mom was proud of me. We had a great relationship for the last 12 years before she died. We were very close, much closer than we would have been had I not enforced that boundary.

[Mejane]

Can that be done? ;) I was never able to do it with my mom. She would get petulant if she didn't get her way. I finally came to the realization that that was her problem. I wasn't going to sacrifice my children on the altar of her feelings.

[simka2]

One thing you have to get into your head is that YOU are not upsetting HER. She is CHOOSING to be upset by your more-than-reasonable requirements. She is manipulating you in order to keep the status quo.

 

I totally hear you on the avoiding confrontation thing. One thing about enforcing boundaries is that there will be push-back. Changing this dynamic may be painful. Letting go of the idea that you are responsible for her reaction is the first step.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:I could not have said this better!!! Her feelings and what she does with them are HER CHOICE. Boundaires can be violated in many different ways. There is the offensive way that goes into your territory, but there is also a defensive boundary violation. That is when someone crosses into another emotional territory and takes responsibilty for their feelings. (hope I said that clearly)

 

Boundaries are as much about your mother stopping her actions at a certain point, as you stopping taking responsibility for her emotions and bad choices. (I don't know for a fact that you are, but it sounds a bit like that ;) )

 

As someone who has had to walk this rode as well I'm sorry you are having to go thru this! In my case it was a MIL.. one of the unforseen benefits of dh setting firm boundaires with his mother was my renewed respect for him and a unifying feeling in our central family.

 

Hugs and good luck!

[OnTheBrink]

How old is Grace? Is she old enough to understand that she should ask you before taking any treats? I think it would be easier to teach Grace to tell G'ma, "Let me ask Mommy first" and then immediately run to you, instead of trying to get your mother to change.

[LibraryLover]

I imagine instead of a knock-out drag out fight, you want to try and communicate with your mother...although she has not proven to be easy to communicate with in the past. Right? :D Since this is a visit, and you do want Grace to have good memories of her visit, I would try to gently set some boundaries with your mom. She might think you're one of those hippies who doesn't want the child to have any sugar, where you want to communicate to her that you are ok with some sugar, in moderation and with protein.

 

First, she is probably very excited to see Grace and to 'spoil' her. Try to see that part in joy, and separate it from her need to give your child sugar. I would be kind, aknowledge that you are looking forward to showing Grace off etc. "Mom, I know you love to bake, and to give Grace treats. I want you to enjoy giving her some treats, and I am not going to sigh about every treat, but we really have to work together because Grace does have hypoglycemic issues (my own oldest dd does, so I know you have to take pains to balance food intake). Grace has to have protein before she has sugar. If you are making brownies in the morning, I need to Grace to have some eggs first. She can have the brownie but not before the eggs. Please mom, I need you to work with me".

 

See what she says. Maybe she is willing. If she is you can also say, "Thank you! That will work. If we go out for ice cream at night, we need to get some fish/peanut butter/whatever into her first! She will be a much happier baby, and we can ejoy her more. She would also love to bowl or play mini golf, and she also loves to be read to/play games/go to the pool. If she she is going to have cookies at the bowling alley, or lollipop at the mini golf place, lets make sure she has a cheese stick in the car first".

 

If she were not your mother I would have different thoughts, but since she is your mother and you are not planning to cut ties, a calm conversation, and an explaination (even if you have before) is in order. Keep in your heart that she loves your Grace. If you can have a good conversation and aknowledge her love language, the trip might turn out ok. You want Grace to have grandparents who adore her, even if they don't make the best food choices for her.

Edited June 1, 2010 by LibraryLover

[grace'smom]

 

I put on the big girl panties and set the boundary.

 

 

THIS is why I love this board! :lol: You have given me such a gift in your funny phrase! Now when I go up there I will have that funny thought in my mind to calm me down when I have to be firm. I'll be able to smile a little and relax before I say the big "no" words, LOL! Thank you so much!

 

I'll be up there thinking "Ok, Hailey. Put your big girl panties on and shut this thing down."

 

Thank you all so much for the advice. I will take it to heart and try to be firm but kind, but really force myself to do it. I think the issues arise when I try to avoid confronting her because if you give in on something little she pushes harder. And it is hard to deal with the sugar thing, as the mother of a hypoglycemic mentioned above, because people don't understand they can have sugar at certains times in balance with other things. They don't understand a treat after a meal is metabolized differently than a treat by itself. But you are right, I should just explain the protein issue again and again. Kindly. With my big girl panties on, LOL!

[Debora R]

:grouphug: I can relate to your situation. Be loving, be firm, and refuse to give in or get drawn in to the tantrum. Remind her that you love her, often.

 

And if Mom's behavior is unbearable, calmly and lovingly cut the visit short. Tell her you will visit again when she isn't feeling so _______ (whatever seems appropriate).

[Peela]

I havent read the other replies.

The reason you can't have good healthy boundaries with your mum is because you are frightened of her anger. It's her anger, and she is a big girl, she can handle it. If she gets angry at least its real and out in the open and you can move forward. Treading on eggs around someone when they are actually the one being rude, insensitive and undermining your parental authority, is a sign you don't have healthy boundaries and she is controlling/manipulating you- and making you feel guilty when she is in the wrong.

She's already angry. You can't anger her. Passive aggressive behaviour is an insidious form of anger. Dont take responsiblity for her undealt with emotions. I don't mean you cant be gentle and come from a clam and loving space, but you cant set a healthy boundary if you are not prepared to handle the possibility of her anger. You cant be responsible for someone else's emotions.

Being real and setting healthy boundaries is a gift- to yourself, to your children, and to your mother.

[HeidiKC]

I've got the same sort of thing with my mom, but in her case it is totally about her controlling things. Do you think that is your mom? Sounds like it to me. But if I say anything to my mom, her feelings aren't hurt but she gets mad and very offended in a huffy, snotty way. Acts like I'm the rude and ridiculous one putting her out.

 

I would suggest calling your mom and talking. Sounds like it isn't a confrontational thing between you and it's more that you are worried about hurting her feelings rather than making her mad? If that's the case, call her! You can do it nicely and say how much you appreciate her wanting to spoil Grace and make things special for her but that it is causing a lot of anxiety for you, you are the parent who gets to call the shots and you don't want this to hurt your relationship (because you value it so much, etc.!). Try to tell her as nicely as you can that you just won't stand for it anymore. And help her think of some other ways she can spoil Grace. Or if it has to be food-related, is there something else special she could serve - milky tea with a little sugar once/day with a special book? Special crafts she could do with her, etc.

 

Good luck. I know how hard that is - causes heartache!

[Heidi7Sue]

This might help more in the long term than right now, but there are some truly yummy cookie recipes that are supposedly also low-sugar in The Flat Belly Diet book.

[Chris in VA]

You've gotten excellent suggestions--just one more.

Perhaps it'd help your mom to respect the no sugar thing if you invoke an authority; tell her "the Doctor" said not to give Grace sugar w/o protein because she's borderline hypoglycemic (of course, only if it's true--might be worth mentioning it at a check up just before you go on the trip). I know my mom has that mentality that the Dr is a huge authority--she's of that generation.

Doesn't mean you are abdicating your own authority, but it might help.

[WishboneDawn]

She probably sees it as spoiling her dgd' date=' not harming her.[/quote']

 

I think you're spot on.

 

I'm not a grandmother yet but I've seen what my mom buys on a grocery trip when we come to visit. Marshmallows, cookies, ice creams treats, chips...On an on with stuff she never stocked up on when I was a kid. :) But that's not just one of the most fun things about being a grandparent it's also a rebellion against all those years they were responsible, upright parents and an absolutely expected role of grandparents in our culture.

 

And then we parents step in and say no. No wonder it hurts a grandparent to hear that - it's a lot to say no to.

 

I think I'd conspire with the grandmother to come up with a whole list of treats that are not going to hurt your daughter but that you won't know anything about (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). It's sounds like that's where you're headed anyway but it might be fun for you and your mom to head out for a "junk food" shopping trip once you get there. Shake your head over a few things that you actually find reasonably acceptable as your mom drops them in the cart.

 

I agree with the others about the hurt feelings though. Your mom is a big girl and you're not responsible for how she feels.

 

I'll qualify this by saying my kids don't have the dietary issues yours does and I have a pretty reasonable mom so my advice may not fit but I have found that grandparents relish the role of mischief maker so it's better to find some way to play along then try to stomp it out. :)

[katemary63]

 

My husband is mad and doesn't want to go now.

 

Yeah, I'm with him. I wouldn't go either.

 

Do you actually want to be able to have a REAL relationship with your mom or do you just want to make it through this trip with minimal damage and fights? If it's the former - don't go and tell her why - nicely. Then let her think about it. On the next trip, tell her you are willing to try again if she will be more respectful to you. Manipulation and crossing boundaries by refusing to respect your parenting authority is disrespectful!

 

At this point in my life, I just don't put up with manipulation anymore from anyone. I don't get mad, I don't get even. I just don't engage. It's not worth it. I've had to back off and set boundaries with both my mom and my MIL for similar things. Believe me, my relationship with both of them has IMPROVED when I've done so.

 

Right now my DH has refused to engage with his mom because she is so manipulative and disrespectful. It's been 4 months since he's engaged with her in any meaningful way. You wouldn't BELIEVE how she is trying to get back into his life. She is being NICE for once. When DH starts back up with her, after TELLING her what he expects of her, she will be on her best behavior, at least for quite a while. (We know, we've gone through this before.)

 

If you are not interested in RELATIONSHIP, then just go, let your DD have what ever your mother gives her and deal with it. DD won't die. (I'm NOT talking about the alergies, just the sugar.) Once you get back home, you can detox and put off the next visit for as long as possible.

 

But to be honest, your question has no answer. You WILL NOT be able to set boundaries AND not make your mother angry. You couldn't even do it over the internet, let alone in person. Your mother needs consequences for her disrespect and those consequences WILL make her angry.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh at all. I am very sorry you have to deal with this. It is just wrong for a mother to be this difficult to deal with and wouldn't it be nice for you to be able to look forward to visiting your own mother? But just understand I'm speaking from experience. I know EXACTLY what your are going through.

[katemary63]

I havent read the other replies.

The reason you can't have good healthy boundaries with your mum is because you are frightened of her anger. It's her anger, and she is a big girl, she can handle it. If she gets angry at least its real and out in the open and you can move forward. Treading on eggs around someone when they are actually the one being rude, insensitive and undermining your parental authority, is a sign you don't have healthy boundaries and she is controlling/manipulating you- and making you feel guilty when she is in the wrong.

She's already angry. You can't anger her. Passive aggressive behaviour is an insidious form of anger. Dont take responsiblity for her undealt with emotions. I don't mean you cant be gentle and come from a clam and loving space, but you cant set a healthy boundary if you are not prepared to handle the possibility of her anger. You cant be responsible for someone else's emotions.

Being real and setting healthy boundaries is a gift- to yourself, to your children, and to your mother.

 

:iagree:GREAT POST! Especially the bolded part!

[katemary63]

We had a great relationship for the last 12 years before she died. We were very close, much closer than we would have been had I not enforced that boundary.

 

:iagree: Yes! This is what I'm talking about. If you want a REAL relationship, you have to do the hard thing. You will NOT get there by allowing her to manipulate you or your daughter.