How have you developed a great relationship with your teens?

[jld]

What have you done that has been most effective? What have they contributed? Or is it all just genetic (complementary personalities, for example)?

[Tap]

LOL.....not really on purpose but lots of sports= lots of time in the car =lots of time for conversations. Even when we carpool I am one of the main drivers so I know not only my child but who they are spending time with. I ask questions that don't get answered with a yes or no. I act interested in their video games and other down time endeavors, even gaining enough knowledge to ask pertinent questions. I don't pry into personal relationships but mention so-and-so is really nice.

 

I also like to drive people home from functions like youth group at church, game nights or what ever they need. I am pretty much the go-to mom for all those things. Again this =more time to get to know my kids and their friends.

 

I like to take the kids places that allow for us to spend time together...just being together. The art museum, farmers market, skiing/snowboarding, hiking....etc. We just spend time together chatting about what ever we see. We are more likely to spend time at home watching a movie than in a theater so we can talk if we want to (were watching Avatar as I type this ;) ).

 

I spend a lot of time listening and try to talk less.

 

I guess basic personality has a lot to do with it, but I think you have to be around kids enough for them to be comfortable with you.

[angela in ohio]

I have never tried to be her friend.

 

We have always expected a lot out of her.

 

We give her real, valuable work to do to contribute to our family.

 

I educated her rigorously so that we are able to have interesting conversations about things that really matter.

 

We raised her strictly in regards to dress, reading material, and music, so that she now has those tastes by habit, and we don't need to argue over those areas.

 

I have shown in every way - time, money, energy - that my family is a bigger priority in my life than myself or than anyone or anything else. My dc have all responded by loving and respecting me highly, which makes for a great relationship any time, even the teen years so far.

 

More practically:

I spend great amounts of time with my dc. I believe that quantity is more important than quality when it comes to parenting. There is no peer vs. parent struggle for my teen, because she is with us much more than her friends.

 

I transitioned to more independence for her as she entered the teen years. Instead of telling her what chores to do all the time, I gave her complete responsibility for certain areas of our home. As long as that is taken care of, she never needs to hear me nagging her.

[Lolly]

First, I think the amount of time I spend with them is key. This is a huge amount of time. Like Tap, we have large amounts of car time due to sports. Second, I am enjoying them. I like seeing them grow and become adults. I truly do not mourn losing their babyselves. (Well, maybe just a tad.) I do not hold mine closely, they are allowed to chose their own paths. (This tends to depend on the particular child. If you hold too tightly to some they turn and run; others want more.) They are contributing members of the family. Honestly, without my eldest around I'm not sure how I would survive right now. Ehh, we'd muddle by.;)

 

On the genetic/personality point, it could have some bearing if the parent does not realize that it is part of the problem. I didn't get along with one of my dc. She and I fought from day one. Not kidding. I had tried for years to have a baby. Here she is. She doesn't want to be held??? Won't allow herself to be rocked to sleep???? Her elementary years were a nightmare for both of us. I finally let her go. It has made an interesting ride. The other kids don't quite understand why she is allowed to get away with some of the things she does. She does not have the education that I would want for her. But, we have peace. She is happy. She is still living. (For a while there it was iffy. I thought I might have to do her in.) She is tremendously talented. Now, if she can figure out how to translate that talent in to a job... I tremendously enjoy having her around. She does not want to leave; ever. She is one that had to have a loose rein. (That does NOT go well with my personality.) The truth, in a few years, she will probably be my very best friend.

Edited April 25, 2010 by Lolly

[creekland]

Time, time, and more time spent together. From the time mine were born either hubby or I has been with them. We don't do babysitters (VERY rare). We don't live close to any other family, so leaving them alone with the grandparents is either rare (one side) or non-existent (other side). We also never did any form of day care or preschool. Mine did do ps for the elementary years though.

 

We spent a ton of time together as a family. We generally take at least one day per week as family time (going out and doing "something" - as simple as badminton in the back yard or geocaching on a day trip). We play family board games.

 

We took LONG family vacations (3 weeks to 2 months) - generally tent camping (but mixed with motels to not get totally sick of the tent). We did NOT allow any form of electronic diversions on these trips. My kids grew up learning to get along with each other and with us. Besides, some of our best conversations come in the car. My boys also invented several road trip games they play with each other.

 

We work together on our farm - everyone pitches in. We've never felt the need to have to entertain the boys. They have imaginations of their own.

 

Hubby coached soccer for many of the years they played.

 

We share each others day to day lives.

 

Hubby and I live what we believe - 24/7. Our kids have grown up doing the same.

 

I love the relationship we have and wouldn't give it up for the world, but now, of course, they are starting to go out and take on the world. I'll be happy and sad at the same time, but I eagerly look forward to what they're going to do.

[Peela]

Listening. I listen to their opinions and thoughts. I listen when they tell me about their friends, and their feelings. Lots of car time has helped, over years. Also daily togethe time for school work- lots of informal and interesing conversations arise.

I am not into the whole "you cant be your child's friend" thing. I am a friend to my teens, in my own way. There is only a problem if I am not willing to also set the boundaries and back them up when its necessary- when I back down just to keep the peace when they really need strong parenting. I can be a friend, and a parent. They may be a few years behind in emotional and physical development, but we are in this whole human thing together, and I have always learned from them.

 

My dd15 and I are compatible personalities, although she is much more extroverted than I am. I would not say ds14 and I are particularly compatible personalities- and he has been a challenge to raise- but we are very close none the less. He is going through a period of wanting to really individuate and can be quite obnoxious. But last week he still wanted me to know he has a sweetheart and talk to me about it- as long as I didn't tell anyone else.

 

There has been a big shift with dh and ds14. There was a lot of conflict developing between them, and I found it very challenging to be a united front with dh when I found him so rigidly authoritarian and unwilling to listen to ds's point of view. I have always been willing to listen to ds, especially when he was emotional- if he doesnt feel heard, he will become bitter and angry and withdraw. Then dh had a revelation that ds was becoming a man, and he needed dh to respect him more and no longer treat him as a child. You wouldnt believe the difference it has made around here. They are best buddies now! Dh adored ds- he just couldnt find the right way to "be" with him , before recently.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Hmmm....

 

First, I agree with Peela. Parents need to realize they *are* parents, but there is no reason you can't be their friend also. And actually, by being both, you can show your kids what *real* friends are. They are much less likely to get involved with inappropriate peer relationships if they know how full and honest a friendship can really be.

 

However, I really think the main thing I did to develop a great relationship with my teens was to have strong discipline when they were little. By focusing on guidance and teaching when they were little, I made sure they had the skills and tools of life when they were still very little. That gave them plenty of opportunity to practice these things over the last 10+ years. It also allowed for me to easily step back and let them step up. Showing I trust them and allowing them to blossom helps *our* relationship. We don't have some of the struggle other people have because I *tried* to be mindful of when they were ready for more opportunity (and the responsibility that goes with it). Though there still must be some discipline (from guidance to correction), we're not overly controlling, micromanaging, etc.

 

And of course there is the time factor. I have always thought quality time was just a term to make people feel better for not spending time with their kids. There are circumstances that require parents to have less time with their children, but *most* people CHOOSE the situation. I think it sends a bad message to the children. My kids never had that. I have almost always been home full time. My hubby enjoyed jobs that allowed him to be home early in the afternoon. Though our situation has changed fairly recently, we're still going to aim to give a QUANTITY of quality time.

[Michelle in AL]

On the genetic/personality point, it could have some bearing if the parent does not realize that it is part of the problem. I didn't get along with one of my dc. She and I fought from day one. Not kidding. I had tried for years to have a baby. Here she is. She doesn't want to be held??? Won't allow herself to be rocked to sleep???? Her elementary years were a nightmare for both of us. I finally let her go. It has made an interesting ride. The other kids don't quite understand why she is allowed to get away with some of the things she does. She does not have the education that I would want for her. But, we have peace. She is happy. She is still living. (For a while there it was iffy. I thought I might have to do her in.) She is tremendously talented. Now, if she can figure out how to translate that talent in to a job... I tremendously enjoy having her around. She does not want to leave; ever. She is one that had to have a loose rein. (That does NOT go well with my personality.) The truth, in a few years, she will probably be my very best friend.

 

Lolly, I have on of these too. 1st born, no cuddling, cried and screamed for yrs (her, not me, well maybe me too). My dh keeps trying to be very limiting with her freedom, even though she's never gotten into trouble and I keep telling him, her few faults are probably genetic. We have them, we haven't overcome them, and I think no matter how tight you hold her, she won't change either.

 

Anyway, to answer the original question, I think lots of time spent together makes a huge difference.

[elegantlion]

First, I think the amount of time I spend with them is key. This is a huge amount of time. Like Tap, we have large amounts of car time due to sports. Second, I am enjoying them. I like seeing them grow and become adults. I truly do not mourn losing their babyselves. (Well, maybe just a tad.) I do not hold mine closely, they are allowed to chose their own paths. (This tends to depend on the particular child. If you hold too tightly to some they turn and run; others want more.) They are contributing members of the family. Honestly, without my eldest around I'm not sure how I would survive right now. Ehh, we'd muddle by.;)

 

On the genetic/personality point, it could have some bearing if the parent does not realize that it is part of the problem. I didn't get along with one of my dc. She and I fought from day one. Not kidding. I had tried for years to have a baby. Here she is. She doesn't want to be held??? Won't allow herself to be rocked to sleep???? Her elementary years were a nightmare for both of us. I finally let her go. It has made an interesting ride. The other kids don't quite understand why she is allowed to get away with some of the things she does. She does not have the education that I would want for her. But, we have peace. She is happy. She is still living. (For a while there it was iffy. I thought I might have to do her in.) She is tremendously talented. Now, if she can figure out how to translate that talent in to a job... I tremendously enjoy having her around. She does not want to leave; ever. She is one that had to have a loose rein. (That does NOT go well with my personality.) The truth, in a few years, she will probably be my very best friend.

 

:grouphug: That is truly beautiful, Lolly.

[angela in ohio]

I guess I should clarify:

 

I didn't say I'm not her friend. I said I haven't tried to be. I am referring to those who go out of their way to be a peer to their dc rather than a parent. We don't have a peer to peer relationship. It is similar to the relationship they have with other adults: a mentor-like friendship. I know too many people looking to replace lackluster relationships in their adult lives with the friendship of their teens (or even children.) That always seems to lead to strained relationships with the teen, who really needs some guidance and direction along with (more than?) the friendship.

Edited April 25, 2010 by angela in ohio

[justamouse]

First, I think the amount of time I spend with them is key. This is a huge amount of time. Like Tap, we have large amounts of car time due to sports. Second, I am enjoying them. I like seeing them grow and become adults. I truly do not mourn losing their babyselves. (Well, maybe just a tad.) I do not hold mine closely, they are allowed to chose their own paths. (This tends to depend on the particular child. If you hold too tightly to some they turn and run; others want more.) They are contributing members of the family. Honestly, without my eldest around I'm not sure how I would survive right now. Ehh, we'd muddle by.;)

 

On the genetic/personality point, it could have some bearing if the parent does not realize that it is part of the problem. I didn't get along with one of my dc. She and I fought from day one. Not kidding. I had tried for years to have a baby. Here she is. She doesn't want to be held??? Won't allow herself to be rocked to sleep???? Her elementary years were a nightmare for both of us. I finally let her go. It has made an interesting ride. The other kids don't quite understand why she is allowed to get away with some of the things she does. She does not have the education that I would want for her. But, we have peace. She is happy. She is still living. (For a while there it was iffy. I thought I might have to do her in.) She is tremendously talented. Now, if she can figure out how to translate that talent in to a job... I tremendously enjoy having her around. She does not want to leave; ever. She is one that had to have a loose rein. (That does NOT go well with my personality.) The truth, in a few years, she will probably be my very best friend.

 

Amazing and inspiring. I totally agree and have a few of them myself. But geez, what awesome kids they are.

 

I think that has a lot to do with it. I LIKE my kids, not just love them as their parent. I enjoy their company, we make eachother laugh and we give eachother long leashes. :001_smile:

[angela in ohio]

I think that has a lot to do with it. I LIKE my kids, not just love them as their parent. I enjoy their company, we make eachother laugh and we give eachother long leashes. :001_smile:

 

:iagree:

 

I raised dc to be people that I like, and they are fun and pleasant to be around. I think that is key. It is really easy to spend the time necessary with them when it is enjoyable.

[Lolly]

On the genetic point, we were watching tv one day and a program was on about mother/child personalities and relationships. After the description of one, one that was considered toxic, my then 15 yo dd turned to me and said, "That describes us exactly." I almost cried.

 

I don't know that I have done the right thing by her. I can only hope and pray. At times I wonder. A lot. But, I do know that we will always have a good relationship. Always. That has to be worth something.

[Renee in NC]

Time.

 

Really listening.

 

Treating him as the young adult he is, not a child.

 

Trying not to judge or lecture too much.

 

Showing that I love him and appreciate him even if he makes different decisions than I would like.

 

Encouraging him in *his* interests, not mine.

 

Making him see that he is very important and that what he needs/wants is important to me as well.

 

(Thanks for the thread, BTW, as it has made me see where some of the conflict with my 12yo is coming from.)

[LibraryLover]

I think we have been very lucky and blessed. We laugh together a lot, and spend tons of time together. I am their Mom, and their Dad is their Dad... our relationbships are not of the peer- friendship type. We think our family dynamic has a lot of depth, and is healthy, resepctful, and supportive. I have one child who might not use the word "great!", however. :) That's my anxious one. We have to work a little harder at communicating, but we would say 'Loving, respectful". Ime, there is often one child/parent dynamic that tends to be a bit more challenging, and it takes more work to keep the relationship supportive and communicative rather than adversarial. We also like how our kids treat and respect each other.

Edited April 25, 2010 by LibraryLover

[cathmom]

Enjoying my time with them and supporting their interests.

[Mejane]

Along with all the above, we are a physically close family. We hug and kiss, and cuddle during movies or if someone is having a bad day. I see so many teens who won't go near their parents. Mine are 14 and 17, and they haven't pulled away yet. :)

[lllll]

...

Edited December 17, 2012 by ksva

[MariannNOVA]

What have you done that has been most effective? What have they contributed? Or is it all just genetic (complementary personalities, for example)?

 

 

I have not read any of the other answers, but my tongue in cheek answer is that I waited till they were in their 20s, married and had children of their own........that is how I developed a great relationship with my teens.:tongue_smilie:

[HRAAB]

Listen to them.

Respect them as persons.

Being a parent and being a friend are not mutually exclusive.

 

I do have very good relationships with my older two (20 and 18). Sometimes when I listen to friends talk/complain about their teens, I wonder how I got so lucky. My girls have also mentioned to me how baffled they are when their friends complain about their parents or say they don't like them. I see a lot of adversarial relationships; I've never viewed myself as my children's adversary. Even when setting firm parameters and standing by them, my girls say they never saw me as the enemy.

 

How much of this is due to always being homeschooled, I wonder?