I've had this conversation 5 times in the last week!!!!

[fairfarmhand]

"you need to change."

"why?"

"that's too skimpy."

"why?"

"Because it shows too much skin."

(Louder and more annoyed) " WHY?"

(with clenched teeth) "There is not enough fabric in that item of clothing."

 

SIGH!

[Tracy in Ky]

[quote=fairfarmhand;1633730 "There is not enough fabric in that item of clothing."

 

SIGH!

 

Lol--that is a good way to put it :D

[TXMomof4]

I'm right there with you. And summer isn't even here yet.

 

**sigh**

 

It's going to be a long summer!

[PiCO]

"you need to change."

"why?"

"that's too skimpy."

"why?"

"Because it shows too much skin."

(Louder and more annoyed) " WHY?"

(with clenched teeth) "There is not enough fabric in that item of clothing."

 

SIGH!

 

I suggest specific guidelines, such as "skirts and shorts must be finger-length or longer" (meaning with arms straight at sides, shorts are at finger tips or lower. Check your child's arm length before using this one!)

 

Guidelines for tops can be- covers stomach when arms are raised. No camisole tops, etc.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would not have those items of clothing in the drawers or closets. They are just begging to be worn if they are. Perhaps when emotions aren't raw, you could have a clothes purging session and then a shopping trip for cute but modest clothing afterward?

[Quiver0f10]

I would not have those items of clothing in the drawers or closets. They are just begging to be worn if they are. Perhaps when emotions aren't raw, you could have a clothes purging session and then a shopping trip for cute but modest clothing afterward?

 

:iagree:

[Time4tea]

I would not have those items of clothing in the drawers or closets. They are just begging to be worn if they are. Perhaps when emotions aren't raw, you could have a clothes purging session and then a shopping trip for cute but modest clothing afterward?

 

This was my immediate reaction too. My dd is almost 12. We started having the conversations about modest dress when she could no longer wear a 6x. I was shocked at the transition. It does get more difficult as they get older. There is a website called Pure Fashion dd likes to go to. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to link it, but it is easliy found in a google search. Just my $.02.

[Perry]

This was my immediate reaction too. My dd is almost 12. We started having the conversations about modest dress when she could no longer wear a 6x. I was shocked at the transition. It does get more difficult as they get older. There is a website called Pure Fashion dd likes to go to. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to link it, but it is easliy found in a google search. Just my $.02.

IME, the problem is that my dd likes to layer, with camis, shirts, and sweaters. They look nice, except sometimes she forgets the top layers. I don't think getting rid of the camis is the answer. I'd rather they learn how to dress appropriately for the occasion. I don't have a problem with camis when they're going to the pool.

[mo2]

I would not have those items of clothing in the drawers or closets. They are just begging to be worn if they are. Perhaps when emotions aren't raw, you could have a clothes purging session and then a shopping trip for cute but modest clothing afterward?

 

 

At our house, sometimes it depends on the situation. When it's 90 degrees and we're pulling weeds in the garden in our backyard where NO ONE is going to see us, it's okay to wear a tiny tank or even a bathing suit top. However, it is not okay to wear that same top when we go out in public.

[Julie in CA]

IME, the problem is that my dd likes to layer, with camis, shirts, and sweaters. They look nice, except sometimes she forgets the top layers. I don't think getting rid of the camis is the answer. I'd rather they learn how to dress appropriately for the occasion. I don't have a problem with camis when they're going to the pool.

I agree with you, unless dd makes it clear that she's not "getting" the lesson.

In that case, the skimpy stuff is confiscated for a pre-set period of time. After that, another chance to use good judgment in layering (cause I like that look too!).

[yslek]

I can still remember being on the *other* end of that conversation. If I continued to challenge my mom about a 'forbidden' outfit, she'd take it to my dad, who had the final word. I was easily embarrassed, so the couple times that he started talking about how young men would view a particular outfit, I pretty quickly gave in. :D I really resented not being allowed to wear things that I thought were cute (but my parents deemed inappropriate). Now, I'm so thankful that they cared enough to set those limits. Judging by D's character, I'll be on the parent end of this soon enough! :tongue_smilie:

[fairfarmhand]

My problem is the layering thing too. Surely I am not the only parent who thinks an UNDERshirt should be UNDER something else...

 

Dh and I have told her now that if mom says to change, you change. Any lip or argument means that item immediately goes to goodwill.

 

I don't think that she "wants" to be immodest; she is still 12 and quite naive still. She just doesn't understand that boys won't care that she's only 12 and not interested in them yet. She thinks that what is in style is cute, and has no idea what a guy might think. And we have had these conversations. But it is NOT sinking in.

 

The spaghetti strap stuff that her 5 yr old sister might be able to wear looks quite different when you have b**bs. I really don't think she is trying to be s*xy, I think she is just hot and wants to cool off. We may have to get rid of the cami's if this continues. I like them because it gives her a little extra coverage up top, but we may just have to change that if this continues and stick to crewneck stuff.

[stephanie78]

My problem is not so much what is being worn but how it's being worn. I fell like I am constantly saying "Pull your pants up". My 12 year old DD believes that everything should be worn low on her hips not at her waist. I have even gone as far as getting a pair of rainbow suspenders and telling her that if she doesn't start wearing her clothes on her waist she will have to wear them.

[6packofun]

I totally agree. A 12-year old doesn't get to shop for her own clothes or decide what's appropriate without mom's input so those items wouldn't even make it in the door.

 

Why not remove the offensive things and that's that?

[fairfarmhand]

I'm thinking that soon these conversations will cease as we settle into the summer. She will know that this dress needs a sweater over it, this top needs a layer over it, this dress needs a blouse underneath it, etc. . Once I make it clear that you can't wear the low pants without a long shirt, I'm hoping she will remember. Some of the problem too, is that she's grown much taller in the past few months, so shirts that looked fine earlier in the year are too short now. Also since she has developed quite a bit in the past few months, things that previously were fine, aren't now.

[TXMomof4]

Our problem comes in when we get hand-me-downs. I hate to refuse them, but not everyone has the same qualms about clothing as I do.

 

The layering is the other problem. A cami under another shirt is ok - a cami alone is not. It's hard to enforce that too when everyone they know seems to run around half-naked during the summer. We've already got the "Everyone else is doing it, why can't I?" going on. Blech!

[Halftime Hope]

two recent conversations:

 

(We're in a church with many elderly members) "You can wear a layered cami and blouse at home, but at church lace does not go on the outside. You must respect the sensibilities of the older generation. Lace does not go on the outside. Lace does not go on the outside."

 

Between ds15 and dd17: Ds says, "Trust me, from a guy's viewpoint, that skirt is too short." It was only about three inches above her kneecap, but he thought it was too short. It was nice of him to do the referee-ing for me! :lol:

[TN Mama]

I would not have those items of clothing in the drawers or closets. They are just begging to be worn if they are. Perhaps when emotions aren't raw, you could have a clothes purging session and then a shopping trip for cute but modest clothing afterward?

 

:iagree:

[Desert Rat]

Do what my dad did with his youth group kids! :o He would get the loudest, ugliest t-shirts in giant sizes that reached most girls knees. If they showed up inappropriately dressed they had to wear a shirt. LOL It worked! The girls wore good clothes to youth group. You could try something like that with your little lady.

[chiguirre]

Once I make it clear that you can't wear the low pants without a long shirt, I'm hoping she will remember. Some of the problem too, is that she's grown much taller in the past few months, so shirts that looked fine earlier in the year are too short now. Also since she has developed quite a bit in the past few months, things that previously were fine, aren't now.

 

I think you'll need to take her shopping. It's a challenge to adapt your old clothes to a new body shape and it might be too much to ask of a preteen. If you can't go shopping, maybe you could go through her closet with her to try on everything she's got and pair it up into acceptable outfits. You can also eliminate clothes that won't work anymore.

[Delighted3]

The spaghetti strap stuff that her 5 yr old sister might be able to wear looks quite different when you have b**bs.

 

 

I think you should set the standards when they are young. If spaghetti straps are inappropriate for a 12 yo, then they should be for a 5 yo. The same goes with bikinis and mini skirts for example or whatever else your family has for standards. The problem in letting them wear them when they are 5 is that they get comfortable with you thinking they are so cute showing that much skin and and then all of the sudden, it is inappropriate. This is just my opinion. I have 3 girls and have always tried to dress them modestly from the time they were little and then when they are older, they are used to your standards of modesty.

HTH,

Joy

[lotsofpumpkins]

I think you should set the standards when they are young. If spaghetti straps are inappropriate for a 12 yo, then they should be for a 5 yo. The same goes with bikinis and mini skirts for example or whatever else your family has for standards. The problem in letting them wear them when they are 5 is that they get comfortable with you thinking they are so cute showing that much skin and and then all of the sudden, it is inappropriate. This is just my opinion. I have 3 girls and have always tried to dress them modestly from the time they were little and then when they are older, they are used to your standards of modesty.

HTH,

Joy

 

:iagree:

[songbirdie]

If you're a Christian, then I have a great book she can read that teaches about modesty from the Biblical standpoint - Secret Keeper by Danna Gresh. It shows girls how to be stylish without being provocative and why. If you're not a Christian then I'm sorry that I don't have any advice, since the reasons we are modest in our house are taught in the Bible.

[ondreeuh]

Maybe you two could go through her wardrobe and separate the clothes that you will not let her wear so she only has "approved" clothes to choose from. I know some parents who require their kids to keep the tags on and keep receipts until the parents approve any clothes they buy on their own.

[ondreeuh]

A friend of mine owns the business kneeshorts.com. The clothes are cute and stylish, but modest.

 

"KneeShorts believes that successful businesses (even those selling apparel) can be built on principle. The principle to which we are dedicated is modesty. We promise not to sell low hip-huggers, teeny-weeny inseams, high slits, or other immodest cuts of clothing. We hope that you will patronize KneeShorts' and prove to mainstream retailers that they do not need to carry immodest clothing to be successful!"

[Mary in VA]

It is very difficult for young women (women in general) to understand how visual men are. I had a better understanding after reading The Modesty Survey at http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/ several years ago. It is a series of questions answered by young Christian men. It is NOT designed to place the blame on women, but to facilitate a dialogue between young men and women. It is a unique insight into how young men are affected by women's dress. And the questions were not written my the young men, but by high school/college age women. I had my older dd read the survey so she could understand WHY we wanted her to dress modestly. It was great for opening the discussion.

 

The sad thing is that many young ladies are dressing immodestly because they think it is fashionable and want to attract young men. Many times the type of young man they want to attract steers away from them because the young lady's dress is a stumbling block to them. Some moms of boys I know have told me their sons will walk away to other groups when these young women join the group they are with. Of course that doesn't mean that there aren't young women who are perfectly aware of the impact it makes and that's what they are after.

 

Oh, one other thing. I personally hate the low cut jeans, but then of course I wear "mom jeans" that are at my waist. We allow both our daughters to wear the low cut jeans because it is impossible to find anything else!! BUT, there can be NO skin showing. Tops have to come down to the waist band of the pants. We haven't had any problem with the pants with that rule in place. My dds say these pants are more comfortable, and I think they must feel like they are falling down all the time :001_huh: But then I didn't like "hip huggers" in the 70's either; I'm OLD!!

 

Mary

Edited April 16, 2010 by Mary in VA