s/o: Is everyone so busy now that there is not time for people?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I struggle with the reality of not seeing or talking to friends often enough. I struggle also with not getting to know my neighbors - and not only those on my street. Is our society so busy that we can't find time for people? Or if we do, it is only time for our "special" people - ie. our own relatives? I have a lot of close friends but those friendships required time. They required time to sit with someone who is hurting (and to even notice that they are hurting). They require someone actually stopping to look someone in the eye. Sometimes those people we stop to talk to become good friends. Sometimes they don't. But I don't ever regret having taken time for people. But I struggle because I too have commitments. I have appointments that must be met, and gymnastics practices that have to be gotten to on time. And I have curriculum that I should be consistently teaching to my children. Sometimes I find that it is even my husband or my children who get brushed off because I have to get the checkbook balanced or get to the store before it is too late. I'm not sure what I'm asking in the post - perhaps some words of wisdom on how not to lose sight of people?

[Parrothead]

For me it is all about a schedule and priorities. I make sure that I, or even we as a family, have free time for entertaining friends. That might be I invite my friend over on Fridays at 3 and move her toward the door at 3:30. Or it might be that I invite her and her child over to do a school project with us on Wednesday after lunch. I do try to make Saturday evenings a time when we can either veg as a family or throw together an impromptu barbecue.

[Garga]

It's really tough to form friendships. They take a lot of time.

 

We have one set of friends that we have dinner with one Friday each month. One month at our house, next month at theirs. We eat, talk, maybe play a card game and then go home. Whoever has to drive home, calls the host of the dinner IMMEDIATELY upon walking in the door from the visit. We each get our calendars out and schedule the next month's dinner before we've even taken off our coats.

 

We've been doing this with one set of friends for about a year now. I'm going to start it up with another set of friends, too. I'm hoping to get up to 3 groups of friends, so that 3 weeks each month, we're consistently seeing the same friends. And dinner doesn't have to be fancy. Just hot dogs boiled on the stove is fine. Something ridiculously easy is the way to go, unless you really feel like cooking.

 

This sort of idea doesn't work for neighbors and church people and everyone else it would be nice to reach out to, but it's a start.

[Peela]

I have discussed this with my girlfriends a fair bit, actually. I think a lot of people are noticing it. Its hard to find the time for people, for friends, yet it's also hard o give up all our sheduled activity- and sometimes, as someone said to me recently, we just want to do nothing in our spare time, rather than fill it with more stuff- even if its valuable stuff like being with friends.

I have found that making a date each week to meet with a friend has helped- one of my friends complained she felt she was always reaching out to me and I never had time...so I organised to do a weekly yoga class with her. We both stopped after a few months, but it was enough to bring us closer together so that we make sure we connect regularly.

I also find that there are some actvities that are rregular but important to me, where I connect with my friends. In my case it is connected with my spirituality- certain teachers coming to town etc It brings people out of the woodwork. And we all say, wow, we really should make an effort to see each other more often...and it still doesn't tend to happen.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Connecting to people can take a lot of time but not always. I've been thinking a lot about this lately so last night I called a friend that I haven't seen in a while and I invited myself (and the kids) over. We didn't stay at her house long - just long enough to meet her two dogs. But then we spent a wonderful morning visiting a farmer's market together. We both got some shopping done and a lot of visiting as well.

 

As we were leaving the farmer's market, there was a homeless woman selling a newspaper called "Real Change". It is a program where homeless do honest labor in return for money. Not only did I buy a paper (though I doubt I'll take the time to read it) but we chatted for about 5 minutes about the apple cider she saw in my hands. I made sure I took time to really look at her and connect with her as a person. I don't know if it mattered to her, though she has a beautiful smile which I saw quite a bit, so I suspect it did. But it mattered to me.

 

This evening I took the time to spend 10 min. talking on the phone to one of the elderly that I try to keep in contact with. I don't have the time right now to go and spend an afternoon there (which is what she really would like) but I did what I could to reach out to her.

 

I guess you can say that I've made a bit of a non-New-Year's resolution to be conscious of the people around me.

[Tap]

My kids are in sports and while that does take me away from the neighbors, I spend time with other parents on the team. So, I actually spend hours 'chatting' with friends, but they are other teammates parents, not my neighbors.

 

We do have at least one block party a year, and we stop and chat for a few minutes here and there with the neighbors, but we aren't particularly close because we are very different and don't have a lot in common. When I was little I remember going to my parents friends houses and chatting or playing cards. For me, that comradery has been replaced with daily swim practice or what ever sport my dd11 is involved in that day.

 

For us, it is still there....it just looks different than it did in my parents generation.

[MariannNOVA]

It's really tough to form friendships. They take a lot of time.

 

 

 

And, sadly, I don't think there are alot of folks out there who have the time or want to make the time to form friendships.

 

Today was the last day of basketball season -- dd9's coach and 4 of the families and players went out for pizza afterwards - we had such a nice time -- the mom who sat at our table and I talked and discovered that our hometowns are 10 minutes from each other in NJ. Great time, kids loved being together (they all go to different schools and we h/s) -- the check was paid, everyone said good night and it would be great if the kids saw each other at basketball next year :001_huh:. I was so surprised - not one person said anything about even the possibility of anyone getting together again. DH (who is always telling me that I don't give the impression of being approachable :glare:) witnessed it first hand - how everyone just goes off to their own lives - basketball season over, chapter closed, Bye!

 

Particularly bothersome is the fact that one of the families on our team had their home burn down last Monday -- it happened mid-day......the family was not at home, but their beloved dog perished -- one of the other moms and I were so upset when we heard, we couldn't even speak. She and I asked the others if they wanted to do something as a 'team' for the little girl on our team (Barnes and Noble gift card, anything -- everything they own was destroyed) -- we were met with blank stares. - A neighbor who is coordinating support for the family asked me if I could get team photos from other teams that 'M' had played on and maybe put together a scrapbook or something as all her photos and stuff were destroyed. One of the other moms and I got right on it -- emails, phone calls, face to face.....today, I was handed ONE photograph of this year's basketball team. I was met with: 'oh, sorry, I've been so busy I wouldn't even know where to begin looking.' Well, okay then, thanks. I said something at dinner tonight when the topic came up that I could not imagine the anguish this family must be experiencing and I felt so badly for them. The response was: 'they are all fine - none of them was hurt.....what's the big deal?':confused:

 

So, after my rant, I am inclined to go along with what DH says: people are busy, they have schedules, appointments, and places they must be, and they are not inclined to step out of their comfort zone.

 

Maybe the answer is 'yes, people are so busy that they have no time for others.'

 

Which, btw, doesn't ring completely true when I open my mailbox every day and I have received lovingly made squares for Scarlett's Quilt.

 

-- I don't get it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

A

Which, btw, doesn't ring completely true when I open my mailbox every day and I have received lovingly made squares for Scarlett's Quilt.

 

That makes me happy.:)

[MariannNOVA]

That makes me happy.:)

 

 

Thank you for saying that!!!!!! When I was finished with my rant about the folks on the kids' team not caring, I did remember about Scarlett's Quilt, and I;m glad I mentioned it, and, well, it is an enigma, isn't it? So, I still don't get it.:001_huh:

[Ibbygirl]

Thank you for saying that!!!!!! When I was finished with my rant about the folks on the kids' team not caring, I did remember about Scarlett's Quilt, and I;m glad I mentioned it, and, well, it is an enigma, isn't it? So, I still don't get it.:001_huh:

 

 

 

I think it has a lot to do with the person. ;)

[Parrothead]

The response was: 'they are all fine - none of them was hurt.....what's the big deal?':confused:

 

That's just cold. Actually it is beyond cold.

[SonshineLearner]

That's just cold. Actually it is beyond cold.

I think that people are just busy, and they just don't feel like they "need" friends. My husband and I tried for a while, but for some reason, it just didn't go anywhere.... So, we just don't do much anymore. My husband (and introvert, actually) suggests doing some "church things" or whatever... and I have no interest in eating with a bunch of people.. making small talk... and then seeing them at the next lunch after church... 3 months later.

I actually loved the little church we went to for a while.... but it wasn't where we live... and it just didn't fit our other needs... like our kids doing youth group and such.

 

I'm happy I have my mom and dad close... and I always say that at least they're our friends...

 

:-)

[Cammie]

Great time, kids loved being together (they all go to different schools and we h/s) -- the check was paid, everyone said good night and it would be great if the kids saw each other at basketball next year :001_huh:. I was so surprised - not one person said anything about even the possibility of anyone getting together again. DH (who is always telling me that I don't give the impression of being approachable :glare:) witnessed it first hand - how everyone just goes off to their own lives - basketball season over, chapter closed, Bye!

 

 

-- I don't get it.

 

The question that springs to mind is, what did you say? Everyone is always waiting for someone else to make the first move. No one wants to appear needy or desperate. So everyone goes their own way wishing someone else had stepped to the plate.

 

I have thought about this ALOT recently. One aspect of living in India that I LOVE is the social aspect. We meet friends ALL. THE. TIME. We get together for dinners, or brunches. We go to the movies. We take the kids places. We go for coffee or ride together to pick up the kids from school. People host parties at home. I know all my neighbors, and their kids, and their pets. We have street parties. Now, we are all professional people leading busy lives. We have kids in school and in sports. But social life here is a major priority - not an after thought. Just this week I had - a baby shower lunch with girlfriends, lunch with another set of friends, a girls night out, an engagement party, a concert, dinner with friends tonight.

 

I am really worried that if/when we move back to the US I will be in a huge depression because I will be so lonely. And lost. It is one major part of why we just might never go back!

[Jean in Newcastle]

This conversation, for me, is not specifically about friendship. Friendship often has a selfish aspect to it. I'm lonely and want friends, so I reach out to others. Of course, you can reach beyond that in beautiful friendship that is not selfish at all but is very giving.

 

I've been thinking about this more tonight and realized that for me, personally, it is a matter of my faith. I want to see other people the way God sees us - with love and with grace extended toward them. So I don't expect this of everyone. Though I would hope for it in other people who have a relationship with God.

 

That said, I've noticed though that some of the most altruistic people I know are my humanistic friends.

Edited March 7, 2010 by Jean in Newcastle

[Photo Ninja]

I think it has to do with priorities. Many people want to be friendly, but their priority is with other activities. It is not that other activities are wrong, but we need to have time in our lives for other people.

 

I like being with friends. I like getting to know people. I like having people over to my house for tea or a bbq. The problem is, I can't find people who are interested. Some appear friendly until I invite them over. Then they are too busy.

 

To be honest, I am tired of being the one who attempts all the arranging and inviting. In the past five years we have had many families to our home. In the past five years, one couple invited us to their home, spur of the moment. We had had them over many, many times for meals, bbqs, and on holidays. They wanted to go out after church and asked us to join them, but we didn't have enough money for a restaurant. They asked us to bring pizza to their home. We did that. I was so happy that someone finally invited us to do something, even though we had to bring the food. There was someone else who kept saying he and his wife wanted to have us over. We have had them over to our home, too. Weekly, when we saw them,they would say that. I asked when they wanted to do it. They said they would have to check their calendar and let me know. Weekly we had the same conversation. I would give days and times that we were available and tell them that we would love to get together with them. After three months of this weekly conversation, it changed to them saying they really wanted to get together, so when can they come over for dinner. Sigh. We thought they wanted to have us over. So I gave some dates when they could come for dinner. Turned out they were too busy to ever come.

 

But really, I think I give up. My examples were a couple from the last five years, but this goes back much longer than that. I guess I value friendships and spending time with people more than other people do. I don't do things for others in order to get something in return, but it would still be nice if someone would do the inviting for a change.

[SonshineLearner]

 

I like being with friends. I like getting to know people. I like having people over to my house for tea or a bbq. The problem is, I can't find people who are interested. Some appear friendly until I invite them over. Then they are too busy.

 

 

 

Too bad you're not in Oregon... If you were... I have a night and time you could come over... I'd even fix the meal... although it might be spaghetti and bread..

 

Anyone this side want a family who likes to get together??

 

:-)

[TXMomof4]

This conversation, for me, is not specifically about friendship. Friendship often has a selfish aspect to it. I'm lonely and want friends, so I reach out to others. Of course, you can reach beyond that in beautiful friendship that is not selfish at all but is very giving.

 

I've been thinking about this more tonight and realized that for me, personally, it is a matter of my faith. I want to see other people the way God sees us - with love and with grace extended toward them. So I don't expect this of everyone. Though I would hope for it in other people who have a relationship with God.

 

That said, I've noticed though that some of the most altruistic people I know are my humanistic friends.

 

(bolding mine) This is something I've struggled with for a long time. I want to be able to walk down the street and be able to see a need and be there for a person - any person. Not just my family and friends. How can I be *like Christ* if I don't ever take the time to notice people and help them where they are at.

 

Honestly, that was a big motivation in dh going active duty with the army. I am out of my comfort zone. I don't have a close-knit group of friends who occupy my every leisure hour and fill the need I have for companionship (aside from my immediate family of course). I have had to meet strangers and find a common ground with them. I am having a hard time already with not getting sucked into a group and doing the same thing I did at home just in a different location. It is important to me that I go out of my way to meet people and serve them in some way, even if it is just listening when they are in a rough patch.

 

I completely get what you're saying. It is hard though not to gravitate to a familiar and comfortable routine and situation. It's hard not to surround myself with people who are just like me and who allow me to continue without making the effort to do something different. I've found with my church friends it's easier to sit and discuss an ideal faith than to actually live it. I'm not trying to place blame somewhere - I think it is just a natural tendency.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think it has to do with priorities. Many people want to be friendly, but their priority is with other activities. It is not that other activities are wrong, but we need to have time in our lives for other people.

 

I don't do things for others in order to get something in return, but it would still be nice if someone would do the inviting for a change.

 

Yes, I so agree with this. I'm chronically ill. It is hard for me to invite people to my house because just vacuuming the floor can put me in pain for a week. Some days are really good and I think, "I could invite people over"! But often the logistics of cooking, cleaning etc. make it really hard. But - people invite themselves over! And I say "yes". Lately, I've decided that if they really want to see me then they'll have to see me whether or not the floor is vacuumed. And whether or not the food is home cooked or take-out. But even though I often have to swallow my pride, I still want my priority to be on people.

 

What I hate is when I take the time to connect with someone on the phone and they say, "Oh, I've been meaning to call you. But I just never seem to get to it." Is it that hard to pick up the phone? I realize that some people don't like to talk on the phone. Believe it or not, I don't always really want to. But I do it because connecting with the person is more important than my comfort with the telephone.

[Peela]

 

Today was the last day of basketball season -- dd9's coach and 4 of the families and players went out for pizza afterwards - we had such a nice time -- the mom who sat at our table and I talked and discovered that our hometowns are 10 minutes from each other in NJ. Great time, kids loved being together (they all go to different schools and we h/s) -- the check was paid, everyone said good night and it would be great if the kids saw each other at basketball next year :001_huh:. I was so surprised - not one person said anything about even the possibility of anyone getting together again.

 

 

I am notoriousfor this sort of thing. I honestly dont want to be friends with the parents of my son's soccer team, no matter how great the season. I didnt want to be friends with the mum's in my kids' classes at school either. Becase...I have different values and I want to be myself, and I am simply not interested in the same things. Sometimes, I might find a person who resonates- not often, but I am open to it. I am surehappy to have a friendly converstion. I actually find I have more in common with a highly religious homescholing mum, even though I am secular, simply because we have homechooling in common. So....at those end of season parties, I am terrible for declining further contact. I am friendly. But mytime IS precious and I am nto goign to make friends with people. I dont intend to continue the friendship on any meaningful level. Yes, I am a snob, but I have the right to allocate my time and energy wisely and with discrimintion- without meaning anyone any harm at all. I am not short on friends, and I am happy to have more, and many more acquaintances...but I only have so much time and I wont go to inane functions where the connecting point is not something that is going to bring me in contact with people I resonate with. And honestly, they probably dont want me there either, because as I get older, I compromise less and less and I will say exactly what I think.

[Ibbygirl]

Yes, I so agree with this. I'm chronically ill. It is hard for me to invite people to my house because just vacuuming the floor can put me in pain for a week. Some days are really good and I think, "I could invite people over"! But often the logistics of cooking, cleaning etc. make it really hard. But - people invite themselves over! And I say "yes". Lately, I've decided that if they really want to see me then they'll have to see me whether or not the floor is vacuumed. And whether or not the food is home cooked or take-out. But even though I often have to swallow my pride, I still want my priority to be on people.

 

:grouphug: you have such a beautiful heart Jean and that is much more important than a clean floor. You as a person are not identified by the condition of your house but by who you are. I'm sure that those who love you and want to see you come to see YOU not your floors. :)

 

I do know how you feel though. I'm often in the same boat but for different reasons. My son is severely Autistic. He has severe sensory issues that manifest themselves in bizzare ways. He is like my own personal F5 tornado. He requires a prodigious amount of care and my home often reflects it. I hate when people drop by and the house is a wreck but I've come to learn to just shrug and say this is our life. Of course I wish people would come when it's just been cleaned and looks nice, but of course nobody ever drops by then. hehe

 

 

What I hate is when I take the time to connect with someone on the phone and they say, "Oh, I've been meaning to call you. But I just never seem to get to it." Is it that hard to pick up the phone? I realize that some people don't like to talk on the phone. Believe it or not, I don't always really want to. But I do it because connecting with the person is more important than my comfort with the telephone.

I am guilty of this. I often intend to phone someone but I just can't do it. I"ll pick up the phone and start to dial someone and inevitably I'll have to hang it up to go run after my son. Often times the only times I have that I could call someone are either late at night or very early in the morning when I can't call anyone. These days I often email people because the phone is just sometimes too hard to do. It's not that I don't want to do it or that it's not important, it's just too difficult to do while caring for my son.

[myfunnybunch]

Jean, my neighbor and I had this very discussion over the fence last week about busy-ness and play time. We live next door. Our kids are the same ages. We rarely see one another because my kids are in swimming and choir, hers are in soccer and dance. The next day we traded kids (her oldest here with two of my guys, my middle there with her ds). Heavens. It shouldn't be this hard!

 

I must admit, I am guilty of the "I've been meaning to call you." It's genuine. I really do intend to call people. But I tend to think of those phone calls I need to make while I'm driving, taking a load of laundry to the basement, cleaning the refrigerator, out for a walk.....activities where my mind is free, but the phone isn't readily available. By the time I am actually hands-free near a phone, the "I'll call as soon as I'm done with this" has long since disappeared into the mists of "Have to put that away--crazy driver--SQUIRREL!--what in heaven's name is that child doing?"

 

Cat

[myfunnybunch]

Too bad you're not in Oregon... If you were... I have a night and time you could come over... I'd even fix the meal... although it might be spaghetti and bread..

 

Anyone this side want a family who likes to get together??

 

I'm in Oregon!

 

I'll bring salad and dessert to go with the spaghetti and bread. ;)

 

Seriously, I do get what you're saying about the challenge of finding a casual comfortable friendship with another family or two. It's hard to find people you click with with a similar enough lifestyle and schedule to actually make that kind of friendship work.

 

Cat

[Jean in Newcastle]

:

I am guilty of this. I often intend to phone someone but I just can't do it. I"ll pick up the phone and start to dial someone and inevitably I'll have to hang it up to go run after my son. Often times the only times I have that I could call someone are either late at night or very early in the morning when I can't call anyone. These days I often email people because the phone is just sometimes too hard to do. It's not that I don't want to do it or that it's not important, it's just too difficult to do while caring for my son.

 

But you do connect with them - just in a different way. I don't care if people connect on the phone or e-mail or a note sent in the mail. . . there are many ways to reach out to people. Some ways take a lot of time. Some don't. Some ways are better for connecting with certain people too. I have a neighbor who talks for hours. You just can't call and chat with her for 5 or 10 min. I e-mail her or talk to her over the mailbox because I can still connect without being tied up. Some of my elderly friends do not have e-mail. A short phone call to them is best.

 

Connecting with people does take a certain amount of mental determination to make it happen. I can't reach out to everybody everyday! But I am trying to connect to those people who I do run across in the course of my day - perhaps with just a smile or a joke. Sometimes it does interrupt my schedule. The other night at gymnastics I saw a woman sitting in the corner with tears in her eyes. I don't know her (although I've seen her in the gym often enough). None of her friends were taking the time to go over and talk to her. I had all sorts of schoolwork to grade but I put it aside and went over to ask if she was alright. She wasn't and we've had two long talks during the last two practices. I still don't know her name but we've talked about some pretty intense stuff. I pray for her every night now. (I am fortunate that my children are old enough that if they see that I'm in a serious conversation with someone, they won't interrupt but will occupy themselves until I'm free.)

[Denisemomof4]

Jean, it's hard at this time in our lives. We're raising children, nurturing our husbands, running a home, and homeschooling our kids. I don't have the energy I once did, and you likely don't either, to put the time into friendships that new friendships need. And I never, ever thought I'd be a person to say those words.

 

For me, I'm also coming off of a long season where I was always the one helping a friend, and then helping my family during their final journey in life. And you know what hurt me so bad? My father was the kindest, most generous soul on the face of this earth. People took advantage of him. In the end, only his long term, trusted friends were there for him on any level; and they were clear across country. I learned a lot by watching my parents. I know in my heart it has forever changed me.

 

At this season in my life, Dh and I are focusing on EACH OTHER, after being ripped apart these past 4 years. A friend just asked me last week how our marriage has survived so much. I tell her that we pulled away from the stress. I didn't realize it, nor did dh, but we've been talking about it a LOT recently. I am certain most couples could NOT have survived what we have. BUT, now is the time for just ENJOYING one another and helping our family decompress and heal from all the stress we've endured. And dh and I are focusing on each other, common interests, and a peaceful life. We will still see friends, but not as frequently as we did before. We're just too tired. Of course, I'll be 47 and dh 49 in 3 months, so that adds to things.

 

Once a social butterfly, I truly don't have the time I once did. And I crave my time alone and time with just friends. I don't always answer the door or my phone. I'm tired.

 

But, we have two weekly homeschool co-ops, one that has us out of the house for an entire day, almost weekly social days, and synchronized swim two evenings per week so we have full, busy lives. I want to devote my time to my kids and family, because that's what's most important to them and to me. And they are who will be here for me later in life.

 

I have three friends that I've been close to for 23, 29 and 36 years. We will always be there for each other. I have many friends, although much of them not as close, in state. I try to nurture those relationships but my time is limited. There's is too as they're either working full time or homeschooling. I do what I can and have learned to accept each season in life for what it is, knowing it's a season that one time will pass. There will be more time for us to pursue interests or take time for friends later in life.

 

If you can see a good friend once per month, that may not seem like much but over time, relationships truly build from that monthly meeting. And it may be good for you to take that time away. If you don't have time, that's ok too.

 

Now I need to go do my laundry so I have clean pants to wear when a group of friends and I go out to dinner tonight. I'm not looking forward to it (didn't sleep well last night) but know it will be fun. ;)

[Denisemomof4]

This conversation, for me, is not specifically about friendship. Friendship often has a selfish aspect to it. I'm lonely and want friends, so I reach out to others. Of course, you can reach beyond that in beautiful friendship that is not selfish at all but is very giving.

 

I've been thinking about this more tonight and realized that for me, personally, it is a matter of my faith. I want to see other people the way God sees us - with love and with grace extended toward them. So I don't expect this of everyone. Though I would hope for it in other people who have a relationship with God.

 

That said, I've noticed though that some of the most altruistic people I know are my humanistic friends.

 

Honestly, Jean, I have to say that dh and I have had more problems with our Christian friends than we ever have at any time ever in our lives. We just had a VEEERRRRYYY long discussion about this over coffee today, and oldest ds chimed in and agreed.

 

I hope I don't hurt your feelings, I don't mean to. But if everyone had the heart that you have online, the world would be a better place. Dh and I are like my parents, so loving and so giving. We protect that more now than ever, and are finally making our marriage and family THE priority again. It feels good.

 

That doesn't mean we're cut off from people, not by a long shot. But I've learned to once again be VERY protective of my time.

 

It's hard to find Christians who walk the walk, and that's just our experience.

[Susan in TN]

I've also struggled with this, especially in the past few months. We moved into a neighborhood with 3 other homeschooling families - 2 of whom we've known for years. I've made a concerted effort to invite the moms (and kids) over for a quick cup of tea or coffee - morning, noon, night. The other parents have expressed interest in getting together and are always enthusiastic, but so far except for once, nothing has panned out. On the other hand, none of the other families have made any effort in the same direction. I'm beginning to wonder if they have any actual interest or if they are just blowing me off.

 

It's been disappointing. After living for 10 years in a neighborhood with virtually no kids to play with and almost no one for me to connect with (aside from testifying on their behalf in court), I'd had very high hopes. I know it's too soon to throw in the towel, but I have so many other "issues" to deal with, I don't know if I have the mental energy needed to put forth such waisted effort.

 

Pity party is officially over.

[Denisemomof4]

I've also struggled with this, especially in the past few months. We moved into a neighborhood with 3 other homeschooling families - 2 of whom we've known for years. I've made a concerted effort to invite the moms (and kids) over for a quick cup of tea or coffee - morning, noon, night. The other parents have expressed interest in getting together and are always enthusiastic, but so far except for once, nothing has panned out. On the other hand, none of the other families have made any effort in the same direction. I'm beginning to wonder if they have any actual interest or if they are just blowing me off.

 

It's been disappointing. After living for 10 years in a neighborhood with virtually no kids to play with and almost no one for me to connect with (aside from testifying on their behalf in court), I'd had very high hopes. I know it's too soon to throw in the towel, but I have so many other "issues" to deal with, I don't know if I have the mental energy needed to put forth such waisted effort.

 

Pity party is officially over.

 

It's sometimes harder to get schedules to free time with homeschool families than it is other families. We have to get all of our schooling done, and we all have different activities and interests, which all too often fall on different days than our friends we try to get together with. I'm pretty certain this is the issue with thew friends in your neighborhood.

 

Here's what we've worked out with our friends. I have four families I set up monthly playdates/social time with. That gives us a weekly social time. I LOVE the weeks where one isn't scheduled, because that means a day at home. YEAH!

 

For other acquaintances and friends that are harder to get together with, there's a group of us that schedule a monthly playdate/social time. We're talking about 8 families here. This is nice because the moms all have a fun time chatting, the kids play with friends and acquaintances, and the pressure of individual time is off.

 

We don't have neighborhood kids because we don't live in a neighborhood. I'd assume if we did that many kids would just meet up outside and hang out together. That doesn't happen in your neighborhood? Can you kids call to see about doing this and not involving the moms? I also LOVE the friendships I have where I trust the moms and I can drop my kids at their house as well as them at mine. This allows me time to clean, do corrections, or simply relax!

[forevergrace]

Sorry, I haven't read all the blogs, but the first thing that comes to my mind is; there is just not a lot of time. I mean seriously, I know as we get older time goes quickly, but the last few years have flown by. I love having friends, but, truthfully since I started h.s. friends have dwindled down to one maybe two. One set of our friends h.s. like us, so we do have dinners together, see movies, and other family outings. However, sometimes just making it to the "planned" family outing is stressful. We rush around trying to finish last minute things, get out the door quickly---because we are worried about being late, by then I'm just exhausted. I'm telling you, I really feel that time has gotten shorter. I know I sound crazy, but, I really believe time is moving at a faster pace.

Forevergrace

[Guest janainaz]

Personally, I"m not someone who can handle being over-scheduled. My kids do activities, but we also take breaks from it. Every day I take my chair and sit outside and watch my kids play. Our neighbors pass by and are starting to take the time to chat. It seems like our society is not community oriented and most people don't know the people around them. I really think that depression, suicide, and many psychological and spiritual issues would be decreased significantly if people took the time to know each other.

 

Americans are like bugs drawn to the light and the illusion is the American dream. To embrace the American dream is to rob yourself of the peace that simplicity of life offers. People are constantly trying to be something instead of just being. It's this insanity that is causing the disconnect in people.

[Susan in TN]

We don't have neighborhood kids because we don't live in a neighborhood. I'd assume if we did that many kids would just meet up outside and hang out together. That doesn't happen in your neighborhood? Can you kids call to see about doing this and not involving the moms? I also LOVE the friendships I have where I trust the moms and I can drop my kids at their house as well as them at mine. This allows me time to clean, do corrections, or simply relax!

 

Yes, actually our kids get together frequently. It's the MOMs I want to spend some time with :). And to be honest, some of these moms have their hands full. MY hands are full! My secret plan is to simply start bugging the crap out of them until they succumb to my social charms. (You would be laughing if you knew my complete lack of charm - social or otherwise.) How many times per week do you think I can run out of a cup of sugar? Maybe I'll alternate sugar, rice, and flour and that way I'll at least manage to see them each once a month. Oh, this is getting good!

[rafiki]

.

[Joanne]

Our busy, my busy is "people" (Oy. Now I will not get the movie reference out of my head, even if I delete the text):glare:

 

In any case:

 

Our homeschool includes others - students and parents.

 

Our YMCA homeschool activities involves people, friends, relationships and now a 7 year history.

 

Baseball = people. We've known the organization and many of the parents since I moved back here from AZ.

 

Graduate school = people. I'm building friendships and relationships with Professors, staff, students.

 

Tournament Director for Poker league = people. Lots of 'em. So much that in my less "filled" years, I would not have been able to cope as an extreme introvert. I have players, employees, bosses, bar patrons. A handful have also become friends.

 

Church = people. Although we've recently changed churches and haven't found our personal groove and space.

[Melinda in VT]

I've been feeling a real need to be more present to the people I encounter in my life: my husband, my kids, other parents I see when I'm picking up my kids, people at church or the store or the post office.

 

My biggest problem (other than talking to much and not listening enough, which I am working on) is that I often have one or more kids asking me questions or interrupting or doing something I need to stop. :tongue_smilie: So I continue to struggle.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have a good friend who is doing what I would love to do in another season of my life. Her children are grown. Her husband has a stable job. So last year she (early 50's) retired from work and has dedicated her life to serving others. Not too long after leaving work they discovered that her husband's sister has terminal cancer. For the last 6 months she has spent 3 weeks of the month 300 miles away with her SIL. The last week of the month is spent at home with her husband. She told me that she is at peace with what she is doing even though she gets very lonely and finds it at times to be mind-numbingly boring because she doesn't like handiwork and can't putter in her own house. Currently she is on a two-week vacation with her husband because she was getting very burnt out and because she knows that things are getting closer to the home stretch when she will not be able to leave.

 

But as some others have pointed out, that isn't my season. Right now it is my season for being with young people and their parents. It is my season for being out in the yard and seeing neighbors walk by. It is my season for chatting with the cashiers at the grocery store - many who now know us by name. I still want my life to be dedicated to serving others. Today I've had the phrase "Bloom where you're planted" come to mind quite a bit. I've also had to confess to God that for as many times as I notice a person's soul, there have been more times that I brush them aside because I'm busy.

 

I do struggle to bloom at our current church which we went into knowing that it has some severe dysfunction. Since we were asked to come to help undo some of that dysfunction, we didn't go into it blindly and can't easily just move on to the next place. But I got one man (a curmudgeonly butcher) to smile today as I told him our Figgy Piggy story (aka the pig's head we cooked for Christmas dinner).

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've been feeling a real need to be more present to the people I encounter in my life: my husband, my kids, other parents I see when I'm picking up my kids, people at church or the store or the post office.

 

My biggest problem (other than talking to much and not listening enough, which I am working on) is that I often have one or more kids asking me questions or interrupting or doing something I need to stop. :tongue_smilie: So I continue to struggle.

 

Yes! This is it! I so relate.

[swimmermom3]

This conversation, for me, is not specifically about friendship. Friendship often has a selfish aspect to it. I'm lonely and want friends, so I reach out to others. Of course, you can reach beyond that in beautiful friendship that is not selfish at all but is very giving.

 

I've been thinking about this more tonight and realized that for me, personally, it is a matter of my faith. I want to see other people the way God sees us - with love and with grace extended toward them. So I don't expect this of everyone. Though I would hope for it in other people who have a relationship with God.

 

That said, I've noticed though that some of the most altruistic people I know are my humanistic friends.

 

Jean, this is such a lovely, heart-felt thread. On Friday, my husband and I attended the funeral of a very dear friend of my parents. The church that he had attended all his life was packed. We have in some threads recently talked about Renaissance men and women; this wonderful man fit that description to a "T". He was an incredibly hard-working farmer. More than one speaker commented on his integrity. My husband and I refer to him as "Mr. Twinkly" because of his personal charm and wit. He was well-read and created beautiful wood-working items with his hands. He was an amazing father, grandfather and friend. The man packed a church because he spent a lifetime building genuine relationships. He worked harder than most of us will ever work and yet had time for the best parts of life because he made time.

 

My husband and I are taking a good look at our lives and the busyness. I can not begin to tell you how much this funeral began to pull things in to perspective for us. Your thread adds fuel to my desire for more genuine connectedness. Thank you again for bringing this subject up.

[MariannNOVA]

The question that springs to mind is, what did you say? Everyone is always waiting for someone else to make the first move. No one wants to appear needy or desperate. So everyone goes their own way wishing someone else had stepped to the plate.

 

 

Good question: I said: 'I think the kids would love to get together for a playdate. What if I send out an email and we try to get everyone together?' The response (from all four parents) was this (or a version of this): 'We're really busy, but sure. We'll see if we can make it.' (said noncommitedly).

 

I have to say that here for the most part, folks step out of their little box, and then step back in. The people who reach out to others are few and far between.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Good question: I said: 'I think the kids would love to get together for a playdate. What if I send out an email and we try to get everyone together?' The response (from all four parents) was this (or a version of this): 'We're really busy, but sure. We'll see if we can make it.' (said noncommitedly).

 

I have to say that here for the most part, folks step out of their little box, and then step back in. The people who reach out to others are few and far between.

 

See - I've loosened my boundaries in some ways and tightened them in others. I've loosened my boundaries of who I consider my neighbor so that even a smile to someone who looks harassed, is my way of reaching out to someone. I've also loosened my boundaries as far as what I want back. If I'm reaching out to someone who is hurting then I've decided to forgo wanting anything tangible back from them. In my case, I'm doing it for God even while I'm doing it for the person in need.

 

I've tightened my boundaries in who I consider a friend. I've stopped being the only one to call, the only one to organize playdates etc. Those who were my true friends have stepped up to the plate. No one is keeping score, but there is a better balance.

 

I've also learned to communicate more directly. If I am angry, I am learning to tell the person, "I am feeling angry about this." If I am feeling sad, or happy, etc. I do the same. This is extremely difficult for me. It's like the time when I called a young woman who has been ill and lonely. She spent the entire time telling me that no one called her. I finally told her, "I understand, that you are feeling lonely and unwanted. But I am calling you. It makes me feel badly that you are not acknowledging that." I spent some time feeling guilty afterward but then I realized that I had told her the simple truth and that I should not feel false guilt about it. This young woman is one whom I feel friendly toward but I realize that she isn't emotionally healthy enough to be a friend back.

[Jenny in Atl]

This conversation, for me, is not specifically about friendship. Friendship often has a selfish aspect to it. I'm lonely and want friends, so I reach out to others. Of course, you can reach beyond that in beautiful friendship that is not selfish at all but is very giving.

 

I've been thinking about this more tonight and realized that for me, personally, it is a matter of my faith. I want to see other people the way God sees us - with love and with grace extended toward them. So I don't expect this of everyone. Though I would hope for it in other people who have a relationship with God.

 

That said, I've noticed though that some of the most altruistic people I know are my humanistic friends.

 

Thank you for sharing...

[MariannNOVA]

See - I've loosened my boundaries in some ways and tightened them in others. I've loosened my boundaries of who I consider my neighbor so that even a smile to someone who looks harassed, is my way of reaching out to someone. I've also loosened my boundaries as far as what I want back. If I'm reaching out to someone who is hurting then I've decided to forgo wanting anything tangible back from them. I see what you are talking about in your thread now -- and, yes, in the past year (March '09 I was knocked off my feet

[the understatement of all time] by a revelation made to me about something in the past ). As a result, I have modified my boundaries as well. And, I can say that I have grown enough to be able to forgo even thinking about anything tangible coming back to me when I am reaching out to someone who is in need. In my case, I'm doing it for God even while I'm doing it for the person in need. Yes, in the past year, once I was able to get up out of a chair and not be a zombie anymore, I can say that I am doing those things for the Lord now.

 

I've tightened my boundaries in who I consider a friend. I've stopped being the only one to call, the only one to organize playdates etc. Those who were my true friends have stepped up to the plate. No one is keeping score, but there is a better balance. Yes, again. One year later, one family with whom we were dearest friends approx 5 yrs ago and then we lost touch, has come back into our lives and we are back where we were -- DH and I are happier and better with this one famly on whom we can count and they know they can count on us, than superficial relationships with 6 families who are truly only acquaintances. And, we don't have to see this family every week or every month -- we check in via phone or email or even just ring the doorbell if we are out where they live just to let them know that we are thinking about them and they do the same. We have made a conscious effort now to be each other's 'friends who are like family.'

 

I've also learned to communicate more directly. If I am angry, I am learning to tell the person, "I am feeling angry about this." If I am feeling sad, or happy, etc. I do the same. This is extremely difficult for me. It's like the time when I called a young woman who has been ill and lonely. She spent the entire time telling me that no one called her. I finally told her, "I understand, that you are feeling lonely and unwanted. But I am calling you. It makes me feel badly that you are not acknowledging that." I spent some time feeling guilty afterward but then I realized that I had told her the simple truth and that I should not feel false guilt about it. This young woman is one whom I feel friendly toward but I realize that she isn't emotionally healthy enough to be a friend back.

 

I have learned this from my dd who is recovering from chronic lyme disease --it is extremely difficult for me as well, and it was almost impossible for her but she has learned it and I am learning it from her. Regarding what you wrote that I have highlighted in red: it has been very freeing to be able to do this.

[Miss Sherry]

 

Maybe the answer is 'yes, people are so busy that they have no time for others.'

 

Which, btw, doesn't ring completely true when I open my mailbox every day and I have received lovingly made squares for Scarlett's Quilt.

 

-- I don't get it.

Thankfully, there are some people that do care about others. But,on the other hand, the world is full of people with cold hearts that simply couldn't care less about anyone. I do think that peoples hearts are getting colder and colder. People are filling their time and minds with activities that keep them isolated from others, and many want to remain isolated.