Is there a cure for "Caring-too-much-about-what-others-thinkitis"?

[LBC]

I just finished reading Protecting the Gift, by Gavin de Becker. Some of the things he recommends doing to protect myself and my dc would be so out of my nature. Worrying about the feelings of others is quite deeply ingrained. I am a highly conscientious person, and I believe that there are some positive things about this part of me. The problem is, I care too much. It hinders me from setting healthy boundaries, and can also lead to resentment. I tend to avoid people who make me uncomfortable, and that's how I've chosen to deal with my "problem". Unfortunately, my dc can't always avoid the people who make them feel uneasy, so I want to be sure that they develop the tools they need to set boundaries, yet not lose their kind hearts. I also want freedom for myself. This part of who I am is beginning to isolate me from others.

 

One of the things that keeps me from making progress in this area is that some of the people I know who are able to be assertive actually come across as quite rude, imo. I don't want to be rude. I want to find a balance.

 

So, has anybody found a cure, without swinging too far in the other direction?

 

Lori

ETA: I just realized that the book I read is called Protecting the Gift, not The Gift of Fear, so I edited the original post. Thanks, Garga.

Edited February 20, 2010 by LBC
Wrong book title.

[LibraryLover]

What I got out of that book was healthy boundaries. I thought he covered that well. It's not a book about looking at everyone as a potential problem.

[secular_mom]

http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424505/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266601322&sr=1-1 Edited February 19, 2010 by secular_mom

[jld]

Yeah, I think it's called "I don't have enough money to be able to do what you think I should, so I'm just going to do what I can afford and call it a day".

 

Seriously, I am reconsidering a lot of things these days. Why should other people determine my financial priorities? I realize you're probably talking about something in addition to money, but that's what first came to my mind.

 

Good luck with this!

[stripe]

I'd start imagining your indignant replies to really inappropriate questions from strangers, and work from there. I think it's easier if it's clearly outrageous (a stranger in the grocery store asking if you have a bikini wax and so on).

[LBC]

http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319

 

Thanks. This looks interesting, and it's at our library.

 

Lori

[LBC]

(a stranger in the grocery store asking if you have a bikini wax and so on).

:lol: I'm sorry, but this made me laugh out loud. The really funny thing is, I'd probably just stand there with my mouth hanging open, walk away, and spend the next hour thinking about all the things I wish I'd said.:tongue_smilie:

 

Lori

[Audrey]

I just finished reading The Gift of Fear: by Gavin de Becker. Some of the things he recommends doing to protect myself and my dc would be so out of my nature. Worrying about the feelings of others is quite deeply ingrained. I am a highly conscientious person, and I believe that there are some positive things about this part of me. The problem is, I care too much. It hinders me from setting healthy boundaries, and can also lead to resentment. I tend to avoid people who make me uncomfortable, and that's how I've chosen to deal with my "problem". Unfortunately, my dc can't always avoid the people who make them feel uneasy, so I want to be sure that they develop the tools they need to set boundaries, yet not lose their kind hearts. I also want freedom for myself. This part of who I am is beginning to isolate me from others.

 

One of the things that keeps me from making progress in this area is that some of the people I know who are able to be assertive actually come across as quite rude, imo. I don't want to be rude. I want to find a balance.

 

So, has anybody found a cure, without swinging too far in the other direction?

 

Lori

 

 

Yes, the cure is called "dontgiveadarnacillin." The thing is, you have to choose it and commit to it. It is one thing to care about others. It is quite another to allow yourself to be their door mat. It is up to you to draw the line, or other people will draw it for you. It is not "caring" when you let someone (including yourself) be used. Saying "no" doesn't have to be rude. You can say it with a smile, as in "no, I'm afraid that won't work for me." :)

Edited February 19, 2010 by Audrey

[Rosie_0801]

One of the things that keeps me from making progress in this area is that some of the people I know who are able to be assertive actually come across as quite rude, imo. I don't want to be rude. I want to find a balance.

 

 

This is your problem. You have to be willing and able to be rude if the situation calls for it, because no matter what you do, some people will find you rude if you are being anything but a doormat. Some people find disagreement rude, no matter how politely you phrase it, they perceive you as rude because you don't agree with them. The balance is different for every person you meet, and every mood they have. Do your best to be polite, sure, but if people want to take it badly, they will. Reading this board is proof of that :glare:;)

 

It helps if you divide people up into two categories: 1) those you respect as people and 2) those you respect only because they are people.

 

And there is nothing wrong with avoiding people you don't like. It's true, that it's not always possible, but you don't have to deal with every sticking point just because you can't avoid all of them.

 

Rosie

[sixglides]

My mother-in-law gave me a great tip for saying no to people. She said, just say no & do not offer any reason. She said people will always put their judgments on your reason & a simple no, they can just imagine why. As the peacemaker / people please personality, this has helped me.

[jld]

Rosie, thank you so much for that reply. I would like to copy it and send it out to my whole extended family!

[Garga]

The cure is practice. You'll have to start setting whatever boundary you need to set--one at a time.

 

For instance, the next time someone asks you to do something you don't want to do and you're about to say yes...say no. Without any other explanation, other than "No, I won't be able to this time." Then just see what happens. It probably won't be as scary as you think.

 

It'll feel awkward and difficult, but once you start you'll get a feel for how to set boundaries politely and when it's appropriate. Then, when you're used to it in safe situations, you'll be more likely to be able to say no to a dangerous situation.

 

That's how I do it. Little by little, and slowly I'm learning when to say no and when to go ahead and say yes.

 

Based on another book by the same guy (Protecting the Gift) I'm trying to learn to trust my instincts. My ds has a friend who is a nice little boy, but I feel funny about his family. I can't pinpoint why, but I have a strange feeling. So, I make a point of making sure that the little boy visits us, but I never let my ds visit the boy's house (unless I'm there.) So, when the little boy had his birthday party and all the other guests were dropped off, I hung around and stayed for the entire party. I felt weird, but I'm not leaving my son there alone. And I wasn't sure if it was rude or not, to hang out at their house for the 2 hours of the party. The mom was polite about it, but at the same time, I think she was a little perplexed about why I stayed. Oh well.

[Peela]

I think the way to give yourself permission to set healthy boundaries is to realise you are worth just as much as everyone else you care about. Caring about others can come from a sense of self worth or self worthlessness- that we are somehow less than everyone else and we need their approval to get our self worth. I learned to set healthy boundaries and stop being a dorrmat when I healed my own sense of worth. And if you look at it, caring for yourself properly and with as much love as you have for others, is of far more benefit to the people you care about, than being a doormat.

For me, it also helped me to get in touch with my anger and rage at being treated poorly- it helped me to find my power to stay no, or to draw a line, or to speak bluntly. I think we were created with a wide range of possible emotional responses for a good reason, and being stuck in "nice" limits us a lot. I always appreciated people who were real rather than always nice, and aspire to that myself. Sometimes it can be the kindest thing to speak your truth, to speak up, to create a boundary- not only kind to yourself but also kind to a person who needs to have a boundary set for them. I am just thinking you might need to change your thinking around it all, and recognise that kindness can have many faces.

[gaillardia]

Thank you to everyone who responded to a question I didn't ask. For a long time I struggled with pleasing everyone else, and also feeling like I didn't measure up to everyone else's standards. I had my own standards and I was doing my best. Perhaps I just wished most people would like me and just accept me as I was/am. It is odd how we don't ask for people's opinions but they give them anyway. The word no worked for me too!!!:hurray: It will set you free!

[Suzanne in ABQ]

My mother-in-law gave me a great tip for saying no to people. She said, just say no & do not offer any reason. She said people will always put their judgments on your reason & a simple no, they can just imagine why. As the peacemaker / people please personality, this has helped me.

 

 

Wow! My good friend just offered me this same advice Wed. night, when I presented my current dilemma. She said, "Just say, 'I'm sorry, but I won't be able to help you with that.' Then, when they ask why, repeat, 'I'm sorry, but I won't be able to help you with that.' Then, after they tell you how much they need you, and that you're the only person who can do it, and will you consider it just this once (or once more)m and yada-yada-yada, firmly say, 'I'm sorry, but I won't be able to help you with that.' " My friend guarantees that you will only need to say it three times (at the most), and they'll not ask you again.

 

I have yet to try it, but I'll have a good opportunity tomorrow.

[Slartibartfast]

Maybe start small? Like when they ask for your phone number at the store, just say "no?"

[MelanieM]

Wayne Dyer has a great saying that I adore: "What other people think of me is none of my business."

 

People are going to judge you no matter what you do. Some will judge in your favour, and others will judge against you. So if you're going to be judged anyway, you might as well be judged for being your authentic self, and for doing what you feel is right.

 

Nobody can be loved by everybody, but everybody can love themselves. Love yourself enough to stand up for you.

[stripe]

Maybe start small? Like when they ask for your phone number at the store, just say "no?"

Good idea. And trust me, they really don't care one way or another. (Less typing work for the cashier anyway.)

 

I think I also need(ed) to relieve myself of the idea that everyone else is thinking/talking about me, too. It has helped me to lessen my time spent with very gossipy people and try to improve my own behavior on that front; it makes me less likely to feel like the talk of the town for whatever I do.

 

One doesn't need to be rude (usually) to reclaim a bit of personal space. However, it can be very hard to NOT answer a question that someone rather outrageously thinks is acceptable. I completely understand where you're coming from!

[Just Me]

This is your problem. You have to be willing and able to be rude if the situation calls for it, because no matter what you do, some people will find you rude if you are being anything but a doormat. Some people find disagreement rude, no matter how politely you phrase it, they perceive you as rude because you don't agree with them. The balance is different for every person you meet, and every mood they have. Do your best to be polite, sure, but if people want to take it badly, they will. Reading this board is proof of that :glare:;)

 

It helps if you divide people up into two categories: 1) those you respect as people and 2) those you respect only because they are people.

 

And there is nothing wrong with avoiding people you don't like. It's true, that it's not always possible, but you don't have to deal with every sticking point just because you can't avoid all of them.

 

Rosie

 

:hurray::thumbup::iagree:

[beachrose]

You have to choose it.... I spent most of my life in a box constructed by others. I ALLOWED it. I became a christian at 18 into a legalistic church. When I was 35 finally left and realized how much I lived my life trying to live others versions of christianity and had not lived the life God intended for me. I teach my kids all the time you have to study,pray,listen not just blindly accept because it's the norm. God intended you to be free not some kind of cookie cutter christian.

I think we all miss out when you care too much about what others think. I think we should care but not make it everything.

[Parrothead]

Yes, the cure is called "dontgiveadarnacillin." The thing is, you have to choose it and commit to it. It is one thing to care about others. It is quite another to allow yourself to be their door mat. It is up to you to draw the line, or other people will draw it for you. It is not "caring" when you let someone (including yourself) be used. Saying "no" doesn't have to be rude. You can say it with a smile, as in "no, I'm afraid that won't work for me." :)

:iagree:Sometimes you get a bottle of the dontgiveadarnacillin with age. I finally found mine about the time I hit 30. The first thing I found that the dontgiveadarnacillin cures it the need to answer the phone as soon as it starts ringing. Soon after that other things start to happen. It is a wonderful liberating feeling.

 

I hope you find a bottle of it soon.

[LBC]

You have to choose it.... I spent most of my life in a box constructed by others. I ALLOWED it. I became a christian at 18 into a legalistic church. When I was 35 finally left and realized how much I lived my life trying to live others versions of christianity and had not lived the life God intended for me. I teach my kids all the time you have to study,pray,listen not just blindly accept because it's the norm. God intended you to be free not some kind of cookie cutter christian.

I think we all miss out when you care too much about what others think. I think we should care but not make it everything.

 

Interesting. Much like you, I became a Christian at 18, went to a legalistic Bible college for 4 years, then attended a spiritually abusive (and legalistic) church until I was 36, when I left the church. I do have a very healthy view of God now, and feel completely and unconditionally loved by Him. It's just some of His kids that I feel a bit uneasy around.

 

Lori

[Lisa in Jax]

:iagree:Sometimes you get a bottle of the dontgiveadarnacillin with age. I finally found mine about the time I hit 30. The first thing I found that the dontgiveadarnacillin cures it the need to answer the phone as soon as it starts ringing. Soon after that other things start to happen. It is a wonderful liberating feeling.

 

I hope you find a bottle of it soon.

 

I found a low-dose bottle at 30; at forty, I got double-strength! ;-)

 

Honestly, I don't care if others think I'm rude *if I'm protecting my family.* I strive not to be rude, of course, but if the choice is "be rude and have a safe family" or "be pleasant and put our family in danger," I'll pick rude any day.

 

Lisa

[LBC]

I found a low-dose bottle at 30; at forty, I got double-strength! ;-)

 

Honestly, I don't care if others think I'm rude *if I'm protecting my family.* I strive not to be rude, of course, but if the choice is "be rude and have a safe family" or "be pleasant and put our family in danger," I'll pick rude any day.

 

Lisa

 

I have been "rude" in the past, in order to protect my children. There was a very strange woman who attended our church, and she would hover around my children, and touch them and go on and on about them. It made me extremely uncomfortable, so I told her that I would like her to stop touching my children. She totally freaked out, and called me a terrible Christian, and went on and on about what a horrible person I was. I was shaken up, but even more resolved that I had made the right decision about getting her away from my kids.

 

The things that are more difficult tend to be the subtle things. For example, my grandfather has a very strong personality. He was a military officer, and pretty much expects people to do what he says. He is 89, but works out several times a week at the local recreation center. Every time he sees our family, he goes on and on about how everybody should exercise, and makes comments about overweight people, as in, "How could anybody ever let themselves get that bad?". I'm about 10 - 15 pounds overweight, so it really effects me. Since my parents live on the lake, most of our time with him is in the summer, and my kids are all in swim suits. The older three kids are at various stages of puberty, and although none of them are overweight, they are not skin, bones, and muscle, either. I know that his comments have power over my kids, and I'm on edge the entire time he's around them. He also behaved inappropriately with my mother when she was a teen (he's her father - I don't know all the details of how bad it was, but I know that something happened), and it makes me very uncomfortable to have him watching my 16 year old daughter in a bathing suit. After a day of this, I'm exhausted. I feel bombarded by all of his opinions, and completely slimed by his leering. I have occasionally tried to set boundaries with him, but he's hard of hearing (worked as an engineer in the noisy engine room of a destroyer during WW II), and I'm not sure if he can even hear me half the time. Anyway, that's a more specific example of something that I feel unable to speak up about, which leads to resentment, and to avoiding what would otherwise be a fun social event.

 

Lori

[Guest janainaz]

I think the way to give yourself permission to set healthy boundaries is to realise you are worth just as much as everyone else you care about. Caring about others can come from a sense of self worth or self worthlessness- that we are somehow less than everyone else and we need their approval to get our self worth. I learned to set healthy boundaries and stop being a dorrmat when I healed my own sense of worth. And if you look at it, caring for yourself properly and with as much love as you have for others, is of far more benefit to the people you care about, than being a doormat.

For me, it also helped me to get in touch with my anger and rage at being treated poorly- it helped me to find my power to stay no, or to draw a line, or to speak bluntly. I think we were created with a wide range of possible emotional responses for a good reason, and being stuck in "nice" limits us a lot. I always appreciated people who were real rather than always nice, and aspire to that myself. Sometimes it can be the kindest thing to speak your truth, to speak up, to create a boundary- not only kind to yourself but also kind to a person who needs to have a boundary set for them. I am just thinking you might need to change your thinking around it all, and recognise that kindness can have many faces.

 

This is great advice.

[Parrothead]

I found a low-dose bottle at 30; at forty, I got double-strength! ;-)

 

Honestly, I don't care if others think I'm rude *if I'm protecting my family.* I strive not to be rude, of course, but if the choice is "be rude and have a safe family" or "be pleasant and put our family in danger," I'll pick rude any day.

 

Lisa

Sometimes it isn't even being rude to protect my family. I find that I often have to "fight" to protect myself.

[KidsHappen]

Age! :D

[KidsHappen]

:iagree:Sometimes you get a bottle of the dontgiveadarnacillin with age. I finally found mine about the time I hit 30. The first thing I found that the dontgiveadarnacillin cures it the need to answer the phone as soon as it starts ringing. Soon after that other things start to happen. It is a wonderful liberating feeling.

 

I hope you find a bottle of it soon.

 

Yes, and not answering the door just because some knock comes soon thereafter. :tongue_smilie: