Do you ever feel like you just can't force things on your kids?

[jld]

Sometimes I read something here that I think is so cool, and I would like us to do it. I present it to the kids, or one kid, and it often just doesn't go over. I usually just drop things at that point, and let life take its course.

 

About 8 years ago, I saw TWTM for the first time, and skimmed through it. What a treasure, I thought. I wanted to offer it to my children, and see if they would like to do something like that. I just don't have it in me to force it on them, but I do think they should be able to do it if they want to.

 

Anyone else just not have it in them to force things, especially academics, on kids?

[Denisemomof4]

two things are very important to make our homeschooling journey successful. #1 - I have to like the curriculum myself. If I don't, I can't use it. #2 - the kids have to like it. To date, I've researched things carefully and aside from vocabulary, my kids have liked all my choices. If they didn't, I'd definitely look for something else. that's what homeschooling is all about.

 

As long as we're covering all subjects, life is good. ;)

[Carol in Cal.]

However, I make sure that I'm not forcing EVERYTHING, and I also work on doing it lovingly instead of with hostility.

[Verity]

I have a rule at the dinner table that I apply to most areas of our life. They have to try one bite of everything before they get the "treat" (such as bread with dinner) - and this goes for school too. That's not to say they have to love everything or do it forever but they do have to try things that they don't love or even like. I think that part of life is sometimes doing things that we don't want to do to get to the payoff in the end (such as my husband going to work every day lol). But I do rely on my mom-instincts to notice when something is really not working, we don't do things that are crushing their spirits. Noone has to eat platefuls of spinach, beets, etc... but we do all have to give things a shot.

JMHO.

[Renee in NC]

I have to "force" schoolwork in general, but I try to really weigh what I force.

 

For example, my 11yo HATES Latin with a passion. I have decided not to force it, because there are other ways for him to get the same benefits.

 

I forced Spell to Write and Read because I felt the benefits outweighed the negatives and he has come to agree!

 

As he gets older I will force less and less, so that by the time he turns 18 he is used to making decisions for himself. (This is true with all my dc, but he is the one I am thinking of right now.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, I don't use a child led philosophy in my parenting or my teaching. I use a parent led one. But my parent led philosophy means that I'm going to choose things that are the best for my children (at least as best as I can make it). And it means that I am going to find things that are as pleasant or exciting or interesting as I can.

 

I choose materials and methods that expose my children to ideas and skills that are age appropriate and interesting. I don't do it in a authoritarian way but I do it in a matter of fact way. My kids have responded positively to that. No, they don't always want to sit down to do math or grammar. But I make the lessons short and they know that it is for their good. I do give them lots of choices in their day. And I do ask their opinion on certain books and materials.

 

A couple of years ago, I asked my eldest what he would change in school. I expected him to mention getting rid of grammar, which he hated. But he didn't. He told me that he wouldn't change a thing. When I expressed surprise, he told me that he still didn't like grammar but he did know that he was learning from it.

[Danestress]

If I just waited until someone felt like folding laundry, practicing the violin, or doing math lessons, I might wait a long time.

 

I don't know how old your children are. I would not force a reluctant 4 year old to practice reading. I would take him to the park. But there comes a point in many or most families when kids have to do things they don't want to do. I feel like for most of us, part of choosing to homeschool is making a commitment to mastering certain material. There are certain non-negotiable things that have to happen. Algebra is not optional. On the other hand, I would indulge, to a certain point, a child who was fascinated by the middle ages but bored by the civil war. I want my kids to explore their real interests.

[Peela]

No, I force things on my kids all the time.

I could probably get away with no forcing with one of my kids, and we would still have a harmonious lifestlye and she would still learn etc. But the other? I have looked at it over and over and wondered whether to unschool him, but I keep coming back to the "other" way...that of setting boundaries, having reasonable expectations, and enforcing them.

I do though take their tastes/personalities into consideration when it comes to choosing curricula. In the end though...sometimes they just gotta do it.

[mktkcb]

Well, every kid is different, so for each child there is a different combo of: 1) honoring their preference 2) making them do/try something because even though they "say" they won't like it, I know them well enough to know that they will. Example: neither dd1 or dd2 did formal music lessons early in life. They learned recorder in coop class, we did lots of classical music at home etc. but no lessons. When it did become an option, dd 1 wanted nothing to do with formal music lessons. Knowing her, I respected that. She is very math/science oriented, and not so artsy. dd2 begged for violin lessons at 13 so she does that, but when a very good homeschool choir opportunity came up (she loves to sing), she flatly refused, saying she would hate it...no no no. I *made* her go, because I know her. She loved it, and is still involved after a year and a half. 2 kids, 2 different styles. Ds is a generally gifted, and a very good musician, but an EXTREMELY difficult kid (think spd). I started him in piano at age 7. He is a natural musician, but because of his personality, would quit if I let him. I don't let him quit. He also does musical theater, but that is *totally* up to him. He has chosen to do about 6 shows in a row now, but wants nothing to do with the next one. Fine. no problem. So in a nutshell, know thy child. there is always that tightrope to walk between supporting their decisions, encouraging them in a particular direction, and making them do whats good for them even if they don't like it right off (or ever?).

[LibraryLover]

Hey, Renee, I see your baby turned one! Happy birthday and happy birth day!

 

[IsabelC]

I feel similarly to the OP. I don't like to be forcing my kids to do things, and I love the idea of all their learning happening organically when and how they want it. However, that said, we do force some things. My 6yo says he does not ever want to read, he can live without reading and shouldn't have to learn it. Dh and I decided that learning to read is compulsory, because if he never learns, this is likely to have adverse effects for the rest of his life that he is too immature to fully understand now. Whereas if he does learn and decides, as an adult, that he'd rather spend all his spare time on sport than read novels, that's OK. So yeah, we try to make everything as enjoyable as possible and give him choices when practical, but we do enforce a few things.

[kalanamak]

The word "force" sounds so aggressive, like you are having a battle of wills. I require some things. For the most part kiddo does it, sometimes with some grumbling, and sometimes with that amazing headache that got him out of school twice months ago, but still seems to reappear magically, just as the 3 hours of rollerblading comes to an end and he knows what is next.

 

If he balks for reasons other than sick or tired, and, e.g. suddenly forgets how to do basic math, I don't "force", I change gears and do a review, which, surprise-surprise, takes longer than the original lesson and somehow (how does this happen?) eats into Sculpey Time.

 

Kiddo has it really good, as the saying goes. Sometimes he has to be reminded of that, but for the most part, we have established that while I do a lot for him, he has to do things for me. I hear a lot of very sincere "thank yous" from him, and I thank him, too.

[Denisemomof4]

My point was, if you're having to "force" something, maybe it's the wrong curriculum? My boys still speak of how much they hated their vocabulary, and it's been YEARS since they used it. I am going to try my hardest to find curriculum to cover the subject, one that's good and rigorous, and one my dd's enjoy. I've never really had to "force" anything though, and I do think it's in large part because they LIKE what they're doing.

 

ASIDE from school, yes, we have to force things daily. Chores come to mind. :glare:

[Heather in Neverland]

It's like this with my oldest and crafty projects. He hated lapbooking, doing nature journals, art of any kind, really. He is a very left-brained kind of kid and I REALLY wanted to do lapbooks when he was younger. Oh well.

[Mynyel]

I generally have to "force" math and language arts.

 

I have come to the realization that I will always have to "force" math. They both know they need it but still don't like doing it (well until they learn how then it 's fine!) I have tried 4 different curriculum's and still the same result. We have decided to stick with Saxon because it goes where we want to go and the price is right.

 

We are going to attempt some lapbooking today...see how that goes. I want to start the Apologia Zoology series with my son (daughter will of course join in because she loves the Apologia stuff) and I think he will really enjoy lapbooking.

 

I have switched my language arts program, again, and hopefully this will be the last. They both enjoy the reading aspect of things so I have tried to build off that.

 

It has been a long road though, and I have one more coming up...he already likes book so hopefully it will be an easy transition for him!

[Jean in Newcastle]

BTW - I don't see the ages of the OP's dc. I wanted to point out that at the early ages (up to about 7) so much is developmental. I would never force a child to do something that they are not developmentally ready for. Also - at younger ages I am more likely to encourage them to do something as in "look at this, isn't it fun?" but as they get older there are times to say, "it will only take you 15 min. so just do it."

[OhM]

There are activities I "force" for a season; otherwise, the kids wouldn't be inclined and/or would lack confidence to try them on their own.

 

A few activities that I thrust upon my children which are favorites now are nature walks at local metro parks, read-alouds, National History Day, band,

swimming, ... these are the ones that immediately come to mind; I know there are others, big and small.

 

We use an e-school (which was suggested by me, and both girls have now migrated to because younger dd liked it so much last year) and though 12yo made the choice to continue with this style of schooling, I do still have to force her to do lessons. And to delve further into the lessons. And to tell me more information in her descriptions. And to write more in her essays. I think you get the picture.

 

The point is, I force them to try new and different things. I don't force them to continue if they've tried it, and it just isn't of interest to them. I'm seeing a big difference in oldest dd now (soon to be 15) - she's much more likely to try a new opportunity on her own accord than she had been when she was younger.

[OrganicAnn]

It all varies between force, require, encourage, nudge, suggest, leave around, ignore.

 

I really wanted to do Spanish with my DD, but she really didn't want to. So I have backed off of that. But we require lots of things including chores, politeness, and school work.

[LibraryLover]

I prefer to use the word 'encourage' when there is something I believe important for my children to understand. Force implies something miltaristic to me. ;)

 

I find kids want to know things, want to have information and skills, but perhaps not in the time frame we had planned.

 

It seems we get to everything, eventually. Studies I thought couldn't possibly happen, have. I have the perspective of an almost 18 yr old hser under my belt, however. When she first started hsing at age 9, I did have fears about accomplishing things in a certain time frame. But we've managed, and I think we've managed well, or as well as we could have. As she has begun getting ready for the college application process, she is more interested in nuances of grammar and writing, so we're working on that much more now. In a short period of time, I have seen considerable growth in writing, for instance. It didn't seem important to her for a time. Now, it is very important and she is a much more eager learner in these areas.

 

I don't have any concerns when my 10 yr old doesn't want to do certain things at times, as I see she 'gets it' , and is ahead of the curve in language usage, history (she has had teens, even hs'd ones ask her, "How do you know all that?! You're only 10!), arts, math, even science etc, and we still have 8 more years to hs.

Edited January 10, 2010 by LibraryLover

[wbtx]

I want them to do what I want them to do YKWIM. I also want everyone to be happy. With 4 daughters ( 15,16,17 and 23), I have realized that it is next to impossible to have everyone happy at the same time, lol. I know that it is my job to force, bribe, cajole, etc. but yes sometimes I feel I don't have it in me. Then I remind myself that these are the responsibilites I volunteered for when I chose to homeschool. Interestingly, enough my girls want to be considered smart and intelligent they just don't always want to do the work.

I often think you need to be part salesman, part psychologist, part cheerleader, part drill sargeant to make this work. Not to mention you have to figure out when to be which.

[jld]

Thanks for your replies. Dd14 is highly motivated and spends most of her time doing schoolwork, but wasn't this way until she turned 11. Ds7 and the other little ones I'm not worried about, but ds10 is the one who is trying my patience. He announced recently that he only wants to read Redwall and the Hobbit for schoolwork because he's interested in Redwall right now, and he's not sure he'll be interested in it (maybe will outgrow it) in the future.

 

Well, as soon as I heard that argument, I thought about some books or projects that I had wanted to do with dd when she was younger, but didn't get around to, and that pulled at my heartstrings. I won't have another daughter. That special young daughter/mother time is all gone. So, trying not to cry as I thought about it, I just told him to ignore the schoolwork I had asked him to do, and just go ahead with his reading.

 

But now I am feeling a little resentful about ds10's stubbornness. I feel like we could work out some compromise, say he does some French reading everyday, and maybe some history and science, but he doesn't seem to want to compromise at all. Add to it that he has cancer, and the pressure of that, wanting him to be happy with whatever time he has on earth, and I end up feeling conflicted.

 

I guess it's just something we'll have to work through here. I was just wondering if anyone else has a hard time forcing things through when the kids aren't in agreement. Some moms have a firmer spine than others, I think.

[AK_Mom4]

There are only so many books in the Redwall series (12-15?) - a good reader will get thru them in a month or two of steady reading. He can really only stretch the Hobbit out for a week probably.

 

Given the special circumstances you mentioned above, I would not have a problem with letting him read those and then go back to your regular school schedule when he's done.

 

When my DD8 was down-and-out for 6 months in renal failure, she spent her "good hours" reading or being read too. Once she felt better, we added in other things again. I could have forced the math, etc, but it wasn't worth the battle right then - there were too many other things I needed to literally force on her for her health. When kids are ill, sometimes it's better to save your battles for the medical issues.

[Lovedtodeath]

Thanks for your replies. Dd14 is highly motivated and spends most of her time doing schoolwork, but wasn't this way until she turned 11. Ds7 and the other little ones I'm not worried about, but ds10 is the one who is trying my patience. He announced recently that he only wants to read Redwall and the Hobbit for schoolwork because he's interested in Redwall right now, and he's not sure he'll be interested in it (maybe will outgrow it) in the future.

 

So, trying not to cry as I thought about it, I just told him to ignore the schoolwork I had asked him to do, and just go ahead with his reading.

 

I guess it's just something we'll have to work through here. I was just wondering if anyone else has a hard time forcing things through when the kids aren't in agreement. Some moms have a firmer spine than others, I think.

Yeah, I am very like you in this prospect.

[Catherine]

I understand it better. It sounds like your ds is already a very accomplished student, so there's no fear he's going to go through life illiterate. And to be frank, I think boys on the whole are more likely to find sit-down work and writing unpleasant. So I'd have to say, yes, I force, but I do my level best to accommodate their loves and preferences, and keep the school stuff they hate to a minimum. But, I still smile and insist they do it.

[kalanamak]

 

Given the special circumstances you mentioned above, I would not have a problem with letting him read those and then go back to your regular school schedule when he's done.

 

 

:iagree:

[Lizzie in Ma]

Well, I don't use a child led philosophy in my parenting or my teaching. I use a parent led one. But my parent led philosophy means that I'm going to choose things that are the best for my children (at least as best as I can make it). And it means that I am going to find things that are as pleasant or exciting or interesting as I can.

 

I choose materials and methods that expose my children to ideas and skills that are age appropriate and interesting. I don't do it in a authoritarian way but I do it in a matter of fact way. My kids have responded positively to that. No, they don't always want to sit down to do math or grammar. But I make the lessons short and they know that it is for their good. I do give them lots of choices in their day. And I do ask their opinion on certain books and materials.

 

A couple of years ago, I asked my eldest what he would change in school. I expected him to mention getting rid of grammar, which he hated. But he didn't. He told me that he wouldn't change a thing. When I expressed surprise, he told me that he still didn't like grammar but he did know that he was learning from it.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[angela in ohio]

Well, I don't use a child led philosophy in my parenting or my teaching. I use a parent led one. But my parent led philosophy means that I'm going to choose things that are the best for my children (at least as best as I can make it). And it means that I am going to find things that are as pleasant or exciting or interesting as I can.

 

I choose materials and methods that expose my children to ideas and skills that are age appropriate and interesting. I don't do it in a authoritarian way but I do it in a matter of fact way. My kids have responded positively to that. No, they don't always want to sit down to do math or grammar. But I make the lessons short and they know that it is for their good. I do give them lots of choices in their day. And I do ask their opinion on certain books and materials.

 

:iagree:

[elfgivas]

one of our expressions here is "well, in the real world...."

 

so for this one, it would be "well, in the real world, you have to do what you have to do when you have to do whether you like it or not".... followed by "how can you frame it so that you like it better?"

 

we have a schedule. we try to stick to it. when they go on a reading run, they do that during their individual reading time, and when they wake up, and when they go to bed and when they have free time....

 

for your ds, i might offer the possibility of altering the schedule so that he could read first if he wanted. then, as long as the rest of the work got done pleasantly, we could repeat that the next day. if it didn't, back to the original schedule.

 

right now, at ages 9 and 11, the girls know what they need to do and i generally let them choose when they do it. but there is no media and no outside activities until its done, so they have some incentive to get down to it. its 7:30 am, and the 9 year old just came in and picked up her violin to get her practicing done. a few years ago, she voluntarily adopted what she called "worst first", so each thing would be more enjoyable. that may well be the most important thing she's learned so far!

 

like many other posters, i don't like the word "force", but i do "expect" and "require".... which in our house works when i apply it consistently. when i become inconsistent, then i end up needing to resort to taking away privileges until they comply. now, that happens rarely, because my self-discipline is better. however, it happens enough that the elder was recently heard to say "yes, yes, i know, i can do it now or i can do it after i've lost everything"...

 

homeschooling is a humbling thing...