Sarah CB Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 There are three other families that our kids are primarily friends with. Each family has an eldest girl in the 14 to 15 agr range and a younger boy between the ages of 8 and 10. The families are friendly... There have been birthday parties where all the siblings and parents are invited, we all went trick or treating together (except for one family who doesn't go at all), etc. Last night all of the girls slept over for my dd's b-day. One of the moms mentioned something about bein out on the lake the next day for a party. I live on the lake and we've had the other families over a few times to go skating and sledding. I asked whT party she was talking about and it turns out it's her son's - my boys' good friend. She mumbled something about forgetting to invite everyone except for the other two families. So I'm sitting here in front of a fire watching my kids skate and watching, further down the lake as my friends and my kids' friends celebrate a birthday. One of the dads just wandered over to warm himself by the fire. This is just weird. I'm glad my boys don't know what's going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 {{hugs}} I'd feel hurt and baffled and sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemyboys Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 So I'm sitting here in front of a fire watching my kids skate and watching, further down the lake as my friends and my kids' friends celebrate a birthday. One of the dads just wandered over to warm himself by the fire. This is just weird. I'm glad my boys don't know what's going on. You're right. That's just odd. I'd keep it that way that the boys don't know. Do you think the dad was making an unspoken conciliatory gesture? When you're all so close by and they know it would be around you.... But I'd let it go. Maybe someone will say something one day and give you clarity. If you're otherwise free of conflict with this group, I'd give them grace to see if you can keep it that way. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 :grouphug: I'm sorry, Sarah. That is pretty inconsiderate and rude, imo. However, I might just consent to feel bad for them due to thier poor taste and inability to throw a party without all the right company. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 Just to clarify here: all the girls were invited to your DD's party, but your friend's son had a party and your DS was the only boy not invited? :grouphug: I would be extremely upset. What stopped her from inviting your family last night? I think you should talk to her. Maybe there is something going on with the boys that you don't know about, and her son didn't want your son there for some reason. Is she or her DH upset for some reason with you and your DH? There has to be more to this -- it just doesn't make sense. If you're not comfortable going directly to her, is there another friend in your circle who might let you know what is going on? I know when 4 couples are friends like that there are usually sets of 2 who are closer and hang out/confide in each other more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 What stopped her from inviting your family last night? :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah CB Posted January 9, 2010 Author Share Posted January 9, 2010 (edited) Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Julie, I kind of wondered whether there was an issue that I didn't know about and yes, all girls were here last night and my boys were not invited today. Even weirder now...the mom left and now everyone has wandered over here to skate, sled on our hill and enjoy our fire (and hotdogs). The kids are all having a fantastic time, the dads are all talking, and everything feels totally normal - like it never even happened. So weird. Eta: I just heard that they're all going to the b-day boy's house in half an hour for pizza and cake. We haven't been invited. I'm not mad; just kind of baffled. And then I wonder if things will be awkward next time we are all together. Edited January 10, 2010 by Sarah CB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 I'd wonder if the birthday boy has some grudge against your boys. Above all, I'd look unflapped. I watch that family closely for other unpleasantness, but I'd put a calm face to the world. Living well is the best revenge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 I don't suppose it is possible that they are somehow related and just wanted to have a quiet, intimate family gathering for the birthday? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemyboys Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 I'd wonder if the birthday boy has some grudge against your boys. Above all, I'd look unflapped. I watch that family closely for other unpleasantness, but I'd put a calm face to the world. Living well is the best revenge. Yes. My comments were based on no conflicts going on. One ds here had a problem with the son of a wonderful family. He felt the boy always managed to get him in trouble. I could see his point somewhat, of course it wasn't 100% on the other child, but it was his perception of what was going on. Perhaps there was a small issue or moment that went on between the boys that brought this up. Still weird to have to go through. Hope the kids are still unaware. Kalanamak's right, hold your head high, keep a close watch, address something if you need to later (days). Above all, trust your instincts. I let my situation go too long and it hurt my friend a bit. If you do feel like you need to deal with it, go straight to the other mom. Or if you think you just need a little insight, ask one of the mom's to shed some light (without getting all tangled up in it). Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 There are three other families that our kids are primarily friends with. Each family has an eldest girl in the 14 to 15 agr range and a younger boy between the ages of 8 and 10. The families are friendly... There have been birthday parties where all the siblings and parents are invited, we all went trick or treating together (except for one family who doesn't go at all), etc. Last night all of the girls slept over for my dd's b-day. One of the moms mentioned something about bein out on the lake the next day for a party. I live on the lake and we've had the other families over a few times to go skating and sledding. I asked whT party she was talking about and it turns out it's her son's - my boys' good friend. She mumbled something about forgetting to invite everyone except for the other two families. So I'm sitting here in front of a fire watching my kids skate and watching, further down the lake as my friends and my kids' friends celebrate a birthday. One of the dads just wandered over to warm himself by the fire. This is just weird. I'm glad my boys don't know what's going on. In my experience, this kind of stuff doesn't just go away on its own. I would be straightforward with the other mom. I would put on my rhino-skin (to make sure I can handle the answer, at least in the short term). Then, I'd go to the other mom (privately) and ask, "Is there something that I or my children have done to offend you or your children?" I'd have to be prepared to hear what she chose to tell me then. But, if she said "No," I'd want to know why my sons were the only ones excluded from the birthday party. I'd tell her that it was confusing and hurtful. Hopefully, she would be a good enough friend to want to make things right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 Eta: I just heard that they're all going to the b-day boy's house in half an hour for pizza and cake. We haven't been invited. I'm not mad; just kind of baffled. And then I wonder if things will be awkward next time we are all together. Okay, before I would have been befuddled. After this I would be just plain hurt. It is okay for them to invite themselves over to skate with your family, but they didn't invite your family to come back with them? This has crossed over into rudeness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matryoshka Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 In my experience, this kind of stuff doesn't just go away on its own. I would be straightforward with the other mom. I would put on my rhino-skin (to make sure I can handle the answer, at least in the short term). Then, I'd go to the other mom (privately) and ask, "Is there something that I or my children have done to offend you or your children?" I'd have to be prepared to hear what she chose to tell me then. But, if she said "No," I'd want to know why my sons were the only ones excluded from the birthday party. I'd tell her that it was confusing and hurtful. Hopefully, she would be a good enough friend to want to make things right. :iagree: That is too weird not to know what the heck is going on... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah CB Posted January 10, 2010 Author Share Posted January 10, 2010 Well, I'm back in my warm house and the other families have left for the remainder of the party. We had a great time down at the lake. The boys were sledding and playing hockey, the girls were sledding and taking lots of pictures. The parents talked around the fire and took turns playing hockey with the kids. Everyone was friendly and pleasant. If the birthday boy does have a grudge against our boys it sure hasn't shown in the past and didn't show while they played together today. The other families are not family - just friends. Dh suggested that maybe they couldn't afford to have our family over - we total six and that's a significant amount of pizza. I have no idea about their financial situation so I don't know if that's it or not. I don't wish financial hardship on them, but if this is it then I totally understand. We both thought that if it was an issue of a problem with the boys that one of the parents would come to us. Dh is going to call over there this week to find out if there is something that we should know about regarding our boys and the birthday boy. Apparently the pizza and cake was mentioned often enough that one of my boys heard and he said he's a little bit sad about it. This is my son who was adamant about spending his allowance on small toys to give to the birthday boy and the other friend for Christmas - last night was the first time I had spoken with the birthday family since before Christmas so the mom was standing on my porch holding the present from my son while she told me (but didn't invite me) about the party. I hope that dh is able to sort things out so there is no weirdness next time we're all together. He tends to get a little more worked up than I do and he thinks it was pretty rude for them to come over here for the afternoon and then leave without inviting us at all. I somewhat agree - if I had no intention of inviting another family (for whatever reason) then I probably wouldn't have brought my family over to enjoy their fire, eat their hotdogs and sled down their hill. And if I did that I think I'd be pretty clear about explaining what was going on. Weird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 I'm sorry that happened. (((Hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 Well, I'm back in my warm house and the other families have left for the remainder of the party. We had a great time down at the lake. The boys were sledding and playing hockey, the girls were sledding and taking lots of pictures. The parents talked around the fire and took turns playing hockey with the kids. Everyone was friendly and pleasant. If the birthday boy does have a grudge against our boys it sure hasn't shown in the past and didn't show while they played together today. The other families are not family - just friends. Dh suggested that maybe they couldn't afford to have our family over - we total six and that's a significant amount of pizza. I have no idea about their financial situation so I don't know if that's it or not. I don't wish financial hardship on them, but if this is it then I totally understand. We both thought that if it was an issue of a problem with the boys that one of the parents would come to us. Dh is going to call over there this week to find out if there is something that we should know about regarding our boys and the birthday boy. Apparently the pizza and cake was mentioned often enough that one of my boys heard and he said he's a little bit sad about it. This is my son who was adamant about spending his allowance on small toys to give to the birthday boy and the other friend for Christmas - last night was the first time I had spoken with the birthday family since before Christmas so the mom was standing on my porch holding the present from my son while she told me (but didn't invite me) about the party. I hope that dh is able to sort things out so there is no weirdness next time we're all together. He tends to get a little more worked up than I do and he thinks it was pretty rude for them to come over here for the afternoon and then leave without inviting us at all. I somewhat agree - if I had no intention of inviting another family (for whatever reason) then I probably wouldn't have brought my family over to enjoy their fire, eat their hotdogs and sled down their hill. And if I did that I think I'd be pretty clear about explaining what was going on. Weird. :grouphug: I think they were just plain rude. Once the mom saw you and talked to you she should have explained any problems right then and there. She didn't so I wouldn't expect any answers. Some people just don't think much about how their actions can hurt others. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 Well, I'm back in my warm house and the other families have left for the remainder of the party. We had a great time down at the lake. The boys were sledding and playing hockey, the girls were sledding and taking lots of pictures. The parents talked around the fire and took turns playing hockey with the kids. Everyone was friendly and pleasant. If the birthday boy does have a grudge against our boys it sure hasn't shown in the past and didn't show while they played together today. The other families are not family - just friends. Dh suggested that maybe they couldn't afford to have our family over - we total six and that's a significant amount of pizza. I have no idea about their financial situation so I don't know if that's it or not. I don't wish financial hardship on them, but if this is it then I totally understand. We both thought that if it was an issue of a problem with the boys that one of the parents would come to us. Dh is going to call over there this week to find out if there is something that we should know about regarding our boys and the birthday boy. Apparently the pizza and cake was mentioned often enough that one of my boys heard and he said he's a little bit sad about it. This is my son who was adamant about spending his allowance on small toys to give to the birthday boy and the other friend for Christmas - last night was the first time I had spoken with the birthday family since before Christmas so the mom was standing on my porch holding the present from my son while she told me (but didn't invite me) about the party. I hope that dh is able to sort things out so there is no weirdness next time we're all together. He tends to get a little more worked up than I do and he thinks it was pretty rude for them to come over here for the afternoon and then leave without inviting us at all. I somewhat agree - if I had no intention of inviting another family (for whatever reason) then I probably wouldn't have brought my family over to enjoy their fire, eat their hotdogs and sled down their hill. And if I did that I think I'd be pretty clear about explaining what was going on. Weird. That is weird. I would be hurt too, especially given that they felt fine spending time with your family and then in the open did not invite your family back for the party. That was wrong IMO. We have seen friends at places where we had the kids parties and invited them to join us on the spot, because it would be rude not to (and we could get rid of some cake lol). Hopefully your dh can get this figured out. I am curious (bad habit :001_smile:) about what the other two families think about this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 Okay, before I would have been befuddled. After this I would be just plain hurt. It is okay for them to invite themselves over to skate with your family, but they didn't invite your family to come back with them? This has crossed over into rudeness. I agree. That was really rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 In my experience, this kind of stuff doesn't just go away on its own. I would be straightforward with the other mom. I would put on my rhino-skin (to make sure I can handle the answer, at least in the short term). Then, I'd go to the other mom (privately) and ask, "Is there something that I or my children have done to offend you or your children?" I'd have to be prepared to hear what she chose to tell me then. But, if she said "No," I'd want to know why my sons were the only ones excluded from the birthday party. I'd tell her that it was confusing and hurtful. Hopefully, she would be a good enough friend to want to make things right. I agree with this, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 That is weird. I would be hurt too, especially given that they felt fine spending time with your family and then in the open did not invite your family back for the party. That was wrong IMO. We have seen friends at places where we had the kids parties and invited them to join us on the spot, because it would be rude not to (and we could get rid of some cake lol). Hopefully your dh can get this figured out. I am curious (bad habit :001_smile:) about what the other two families think about this. if they were doing this for financial reasons, they could have at least invited your family over for cake. Ultimately they should have had this party for the KIDS and then invited the parents to join them for cake, IF it were for financial reasons. To completely exclude one family is wrong, rude, and hurtful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 Wow, that is really rude.....and very cruel to your boys. I can't believe that she did that. And to just tell you about it to your face last night. I hope your DH can find out what's going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 The mom might be embarrassed and well she should be. :) We were moved out of a trio that started by my introductions. It's been difficult for our family. We are all pleasant and are in groups together from time to time but there was plenty of hurt at this house. I hope it works it's self out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 Dh suggested that maybe they couldn't afford to have our family over - we total six and that's a significant amount of pizza. I have no idea about their financial situation so I don't know if that's it or not. I don't wish financial hardship on them, but if this is it then I totally understand. If they could not afford pizza for everyone, why not do a smaller scale party and be able to invite everyone? What is wrong with cake and ice cream? I don't think finances excuse the rudeness on this one. If the mom valued friendships, she would have found a way to include everyone. Still scratching my head that not only didn't invite your son, but allowed the party to join you and then leave you again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girligirlmom Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 (edited) I'm so sorry. I would have a hard time continuing to call this other mom a friend until I understood what was going on. Main Entry: 1friend Pronunciation: \ˈfrend\ Function: noun Etymology: Middle English frend, from Old English frēond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, Old English frēon to love, frēo free Date: before 12th century 1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : acquaintance 2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group 3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity) 4 : a favored companion It's bad enough to be excluded when you believe you are all close friends, but it's worse to then be told about it by the mom and then not be invited. The ultimate of course is for them to then visit you during the party, eat your food, and then leave to finish the party without you. IT's rude, weird, confusing, hard to understand. We have been invited to a birthday party and the family really didn't have much money. There was a homemade cake that wasn't frosted until we got there, water, 1 bag of Cheetoh's and one bag of Chips. There was a craft where the kids traced shapes and cut up cereal boxes and made people out of them and connected the body parts using brads to make Spiderman and other characters. They did have paint. That was it and we were happy to have been invited and really enjoyed our time with the family. Not having enough money isn't really a good reason to be so rude. Below are examples of when we've been excluded. Any other time and it was really simply signaling the end of our friendship. I have had a child or two excluded but that was for a "girls only" or "boys only" party. I have seen my youngest (6) excluded just a month or two ago and was upset when a child only 1 year older (7) than my youngest was invited and so was my oldest (10). Fortunately my youngest stayed home and did not know and we did not tell him. My daughter was excluded from a birthday party this summer for a girl who she thought was one of her best friends. As it turns out the private school the friend goes to requires that if any children are invited from school then all children (girls only, boys only or both) MUST be invited, so the party was getting too big and they felt our daughters would want time alone together instead of with everyone else since my daughter would be the only one that does not go to this private school. What they did instead was to invite my daughter to a baseball game and dinner with the family. It turned out to be better than if she went to the party since she didn't have to share her friend with others. I have been on the excluded side as an adult but it was for what I thought a good reason. In our case my youngest has many food allergies and I was still nursing him so we both avoided his many allergens. It was a Christmas Cookie Exchange get together I think. My friend explained it to me and I was fine with it, but it was because at the time we didn't allow any allergic food in the house and she knew it would be hard for me to be there and not eat. Many times these friends make safe food for my son, but this time she didn't want to ask them to only make safe cookies and I understood. Edited January 10, 2010 by girligirlmom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonshine Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 Actually - this sounds rude on everyone's part except your family. However, I would want to know what was going on before blowing off your friendships. However difficult it may be to imagine, maybe there is a some somewhat rational explanation for everything. Like, maybe the husband was supposed to invite your son, forgot, and the wife thought you'all just snubbed them. It would be a shame to lose a friendship over a misunderstanding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ciyates Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 I am really sorry this happened. Similar situations have happened to us in the past. I wish I could offer words of advice (it sound like you got some pretty good advice already) instead I will offer words of encouragement. In this situation you took the high road and did not treat anyone rudely regardless of anyone else's actions. I am sorry they hurt you and even worse your kids were hurt by that. I hope this is all resolved quickly and friendships can be salvaged. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 I would tell them that my boys are upset and asking why their friends did this, and that while I have told them that there is no "entitlement" to be invited to parties, that I want to have the best answer for them that I can, so I want to know if there is an explanation that would help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 (edited) That would hurt my heart for my family. It could be a misunderstanding, but she had the opportunity to fix the mistake and choose to leave your boys out again. Consider preparing your heart for the reality that she likely will continue to not include your boys in the future. :grouphug: I'm very sorry.:grouphug: Edited January 10, 2010 by Tammyla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HerdingCats Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 That stinks. It is always shocking to me when grown people show that kind of behavior. Unfortunately, it has happened to us here too. The director of our co-op invited all the boys in my son's class to her son's b-day party except mine and I was standing RIGHT there when she did it!! The mom she was talking to obviously felt awkward and weird so she even said, "And J- (my son) is in the class too." She explained how she can only have 10 kids (I know from experience you can add a child on for $10). If she couldn't manage that she should have just invited everyone privately IMO. My best guess is that this was her way of explaining why my son wasn't included. Maybe this mom you are dealing with had a similar motivation. Either way it's still tactless, rude and hurtful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhM Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 Actually - this sounds rude on everyone's part except your family. However, I would want to know what was going on before blowing off your friendships. However difficult it may be to imagine, maybe there is a some somewhat rational explanation for everything. Like, maybe the husband was supposed to invite your son, forgot, and the wife thought you'all just snubbed them. It would be a shame to lose a friendship over a misunderstanding. You know, this is a good point. They might be wondering why you all didn't head over w/them for cake and pizza. :confused: Then again, the OP said that you did ask about the party when you first heard about it. That probably made it clear that you hadn't heard, and was surely an opportunity to invite you along. This is so odd - I hope you learn what the story was. (:bigear: and I hope you'll tell us if you do!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matryoshka Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 I have rhino skin. It takes a lot to insult me. Rather than imagine slights, if something can be taken two ways, I always give people the benefit of the doubt. To insult me, you pretty much have to bop me over the head and say "hey, stupid, I meant that as an insult!" I think this is a situation where I'd feel hit over the head, or maybe punched in the stomach. What the heck? I would definitely go to this woman and ask her in as light-hearted way as possible what was up with that, and say that your boys and also you are confused and a bit hurt. And if she doesn't come up with satisfactory answer and an apology, I'd not consider her a friend anymore. By that I don't mean cutting off all contact, because you have your kids' friendships and your mutual frienships with the other people (who I would give the benefit of the doubt to - unless I heard otherwise I'd assume they thought you were invited as well and wondered why you didn't join them for cake after the hot dogs at your place). But I'd not trust her, and in situations where you were with your mutual friends, I'd treat her as an acquaintance, be cordial but a bit chilly, then talk to the other people as friends. And I wouldn't offer the information unsolicited, but if any of the other friends asked why you were being chilly toward her, I'd tell them and let them draw their own conclusions. Of course, if she actually has some reason for this behavior (though I can't imagine what it could be) and apologizes profusely when confronted, I'd let it go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matryoshka Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 You know, this is a good point. They might be wondering why you all didn't head over w/them for cake and pizza. :confused: You know, if this had been done to me, I think my passive-agressive streak would've surfaced and I would have headed over for cake and pizza anyway, and if she really didn't want you there, make her explain in front of all her friends why you weren't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 This would really hurt me. I would absolutely let your husband ask what was going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherMayI Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 Did any of your other friends come by for the sledding/hot dogs? If they did was there some mention of your absence from the festivities? Had I been to a party where all but one of my "group" had an invitation I would find that odd and uncomfortable. I have pretty thick skin too, but this would have hurt. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LBC Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 :grouphug: Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Yuck. For the record, you have sweet, wonderful boys. I can't imagine why anybody would exclude them like this.:confused: Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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