Response for those who comment on the number of children you have

[Jeanne in MN]

At our hs meeting last night, we moms were talking about how rude people can be when commenting on the number of children you have and one mom told us how Mother Theresa's response to that was, "I suppose you think there are too many stars in the sky too?".

 

I just thought that was a sweet and powerful way to get one's point across. :)

[Unicorn.]

I like that. Makes me wish I had more kids so I could use it (well, almost).

[Amy in Orlando]

That is such a nice thought. I don't think I could pull it off, but I love the idea of it.

[ArwenA]

Thank you! Thank you!

We get one stare/"Are you a school?"/"What are all the kids for?"/"All yours?!"/"Poor mom."/other rude stuff commnet per day minimum. I'm still trying to work out a smart reply. That's just what I'm looking for.:)

[Mrs Mungo]

"What are all the kids for?"

 

Did you answer "slave labor?" Because I would have. ;)

[Marie in Oh]

We get comments anywhere we go. It gets rediculous. When someone asks me "don't you know what causes that?" I say, "Did you stop when you found out?" Stops them in their tracks.

[Scarlett]

Just wanted to say don't assume every comment or stare is rude. Sometimes people, like me, are amazed and awed and jealous and don't get the words out correctly. Since reading this board I've tried to watch what I say...but I think sometimes people with lots of kids are just a tad defenisve.

 

:leaving:

[Karenciavo]

Just wanted to say don't assume every comment or stare is rude. Sometimes people, like me, are amazed and awed and jealous and don't get the words out correctly. Since reading this board I've tried to watch what I say...but I think sometimes people with lots of kids are just a tad defenisve.

 

:leaving:

 

Yes, we can all be defensive about so many things in our lives (race, creed, diet, school choice, homeschooling only one child, etc.) I get pitied because I have all boys and people will make comments right in front of them. In any case I'm sure it gets tiring. When I was a letter carrier people would make the same dumb jokes during bad weather, "Hot enough for ya?" "Wet enough for ya?" I'm sure they all thought they were the first one ever to say it too. :lol:

[Doran]

Yes, we can all be defensive about so many things in our lives (race, creed, diet, school choice, homeschooling only one child, etc.) I get pitied because I have all boys and people will make comments right in front of them. In any case I'm sure it gets tiring. When I was a letter carrier people would make the same dumb jokes during bad weather, "Hot enough for ya?" "Wet enough for ya?" I'm sure they all thought they were the first one ever to say it too. :lol:

 

 

Scarlett, Karen -- you're both so right! And, I'm sure I've been one of those dumb joke making people. Only I didn't really mean it to be a dumb joke. Sure, I knew, after the fact, that it was a lame remark and that every other person probably commented on the weather (so why not say that instead, she thinks?). But, overused comments like that sometimes come falling out of my open mouth when I'm really just trying to be friendly.

 

And, don't you have the impression that people like Mother Theresa never allow themselves to be weary of the stupid remarks, managing instead to always rise above them and think of brilliant replies like the one above? Sigh. It's a goal, but not one I'm likely to make. Way too much sarcasm in my bones.

 

Doran

[Plain_Jane]

I was in line at a store one day, preggo and with my little group of 3 young ones as a gentleman in the line up was staring at us in amazement. He was very kind and asked if they were all mine (duh). After that, he exclaimed "and you look so happy!" I just looked at him, smiled sweetly and said "if you can't find happiness in your own children, where are you going to find it?" He looked at me again for a moment, thought about what I said, and said, "you know, that is very true." Then he smiled and left us alone...

 

I shocked myself by actually saying something like that to a stranger as it's not really my personality. But it was a great feeling afterwards!

[Julpost]

Another quote from Mother Teresa that I love is "Children are like flowers. You can never have too many." Or something to that effect.

[SparrowsNest]

Just wanted to say don't assume every comment or stare is rude. Sometimes people, like me, are amazed and awed and jealous and don't get the words out correctly. Since reading this board I've tried to watch what I say...but I think sometimes people with lots of kids are just a tad defenisve.

 

 

Whenever you make a choice that is outside the societally approved course, you are expected to explain yourself. And, as one woman I know aptly put it, "People won't tell you you've got broccoli between your teeth, but they think it's appropriate to advise you on how you should use your womb!" Families with only children also comment on having people not 'approve' of their decision not to have the 2.2 with minivan and labrador. The fact is, I don't feel that I *should* have to explain our family's size (6 kiddos) to strangers, particularly in the presence of my children and particularly when those comments are worded crudely, rudely, or in such a way as to suggest that my children ought not be here. So yes, I do bristle when it is mentioned, which it often is, and I feel defensive because I am poised for something negative to be said. Positive comments are very, very rare. :(

 

Anyway, my standard response to anything and everything is "yes, we're very blessed." "Don't you know what causes that?" "Yes, and we're very blessed." "Are they all yours?" "Yes, we're very blessed." "How do you do it?" "I just do it, and we're very blessed."

[WTMindy]

I know I am one of those people who looks at big families with a little jealousy and huge support. I try never to comment unless I say something like, "how wonderful to have so many great kids!"

 

After being pregnant I will never make any comment about a pregnant woman (people I know, not strangers) other than, "You are SOOOO cute!" because, I think there is nothing cuter than a pregnant belly and I got so tired of people saying, "Are you due soon?" NO!!

[Mrs. H.]

By one of ds's coach's (to me):

 

"I asked *dh's name* why you had so many kids, and he told me he finally found something he is good at!"

 

Ok, now I'm not a prude (I have five kids, how can I be?) but I am terribly old-fashioned when it comes to public comments like this, so I immediately turned red and cast an accusing, open-mothed glare at dh. He sort of sheepishly looked at me, claimed that he never said such a thing, but if he had thought of it, he would have. :001_huh:

 

Men....sometimes the filter between their brain and their mouths malfunctions.

 

From other people (like in grocery stores) we get lots of attention from older people, who just have to tell us either one of three things: 1. That they came from a large family 2. That they had several children themselves 3. That they had red hair when they were children (we have three children with bright orange hair. It attracts a lot of attention on it's own.) There is one older man who bags grocery at our grocery store, and he makes sure to carry out our groceries every time we go there. He knows all of the children and me by name, and asks if one is missing.

 

Strangely enough, we get more rude comments from people at church and our family members, than we do strangers.

[Free Indeed]

We get comments anywhere we go. It gets rediculous. When someone asks me "don't you know what causes that?" I say, "Did you stop when you found out?" Stops them in their tracks.

 

When someone asked me this question- and I only have 4- I said "Yes sir and we really enjoy it! " He turned so red! :lol:

[SparrowsNest]

"how wonderful to have so many great kids!"

 

 

That would be music to my ears! :)

[Tracey in TX]

That's beautiful! I might have to borrow that phrase :)

[Riverfront Headmistress]

I get comments all the time. Not because I have a big brood, but because I have 2 biological children, and have chosen to have 2 exchange students. They aren't just students, they are my children. People can't understand why I would want to have two teenagers join the family ontop of having 2 young homeschooled kids. I just tell them I have love. :tongue_smilie:

[Whisperlily]

I have to giggle at myself sometimes.

 

I have 4 children, and I'm not quite sure how or why that qualifies as a "lot" of children. People ask me the same questions, and they stare... But it's because for some reason... it catches your eye. *I* find myself watching a family in the store with 4 children. I mentally count, because visually it looks like a LOT of people. I think to myself... "Oh! So that's why people look!"

 

Of course I don't feel like *we* look like quite as many. ;) We're not just a visual number to ourselves. We don't take a whole lot of "kids" to the store. I don't see a number, I see "A" and "J" and "M" and "K." They each have such a personality that it's not *just one more* to us.

 

Our poor DH's have to take more ribbing than we do about the number of children... men can be a little less... err... veiled in their comments to each other. I'd die before I said it, but my DH grabbed a phrase that makes other guys laugh... When one of the guys comments on how many kids he has, (and if I'm not around) he'll say... "We don't have cable... what are we supposed to do?" It makes them laugh... it stops the questions. ;)

 

I've got plenty of phrases up my sleeve, but I can never pull them out at the right time. I usually just stand there thinking... "I know I've got a good comeback in there somewhere." I end up saying something like, I wouldn't have it any other way... or they're good kids.

 

Then I think of the clever responses on my way to the car. :lol:

[Mx5]

At our hs meeting last night, we moms were talking about how rude people can be when commenting on the number of children you have and one mom told us how Mother Theresa's response to that was, "I suppose you think there are too many stars in the sky too?".

 

I just thought that was a sweet and powerful way to get one's point across. :)

 

When people comment on the # of kids we have, I just always smile and say, "Aren't they great? They are so much fun - I'm so glad I have them." The smile is the key. Most people pipe down after that.

[Scarlett]

I only have one, but when he was younger...3,4, 5 age range, if someone in the store said, 'you've got your hands full.' (which is IMO, just a way people make conversation...sort of like, 'how bout this weather?') I would smile and look at ds fondly and say, 'yes. He is such a joy. I wish I had 10 just like him.'

[Jennifer in NH]

I don't ever comment, but I too may make a rather envious glance...We have three young children and if I had known how much I was going to love having them we would have "tried" to have many more! Alas, I never thought I'd like being a mom so we didn't even start until I was 35...start REALLY trying that is.. We had already been married for 10 years. its one of those things that if I could do it over again, I'd want more kids! You all really are blessed to have so many. But, of course, you all know that or you wouldn't homeschool!:001_smile:

Jenny

[Mama Lynx]

We get comments anywhere we go. It gets rediculous. When someone asks me "don't you know what causes that?" I say, "Did you stop when you found out?" Stops them in their tracks.

 

My favorite answer to "Don't you know what causes that?" is: "Yes, and we're very good at it!"

 

:D

[Osaubi]

When I had my ds5, people would say are you going to have more? Then I had my dd2, and I still get the same question. I wonder what is the magic number where people stop asking if you are having more, and complaining you have to many?

 

My aunt had 4 boys, and people used come up to her and say "Oh are you going to try for a girl?" I have never understood a comment like that. I would have been happy with any gender combo. Why do they have to assume you need some of each kind to be happy?

[Citrusheights5]

When we get any comment about how many kids we have we usually "argue". He will say " I was done 3 kids ago", I will say" I want 3 more" . Then we begin to bicker.. the people slink off feeling guilty about beginning an argument.. If they are sincere they will usually try to reconcile the problem to which we say " Oh we are just playing!"

 

Lee

 

Mom to 6

[Jennifer in NH]

When we get any comment about how many kids we have we usually "argue". He will say " I was done 3 kids ago", I will say" I want 3 more" . Then we begin to bicker.. the people slink off feeling guilty about beginning an argument.. If they are sincere they will usually try to reconcile the problem to which we say " Oh we are just playing!"

 

Lee

 

Mom to 6

That was so funny! :lol: I can just imagine it happening, good for you!

 

I thought of something else that irked me, still does. My oldest is a girl and the next is a boy. Someone I considered a friend informed me that was perfect, I think she called it a rich man's family or something like that. When she found out I was pregnant with #3 she went on a tirade about overpopulation!:001_huh: and "population zero" and on and on....we have since drifted apart as friends....wonder why?;)

[Jeanne in MN]

Just wanted to say don't assume every comment or stare is rude.

:leaving:

 

Once at a homeschooling conference I was holding a door open for a large family coming through with numerous instruments and two babies in baby carriers. Naturally I was watching them come through-we were in a skywalk off a parking ramp and there wasn't much else to look at. But I was really paying attention to the twin babies because they made me think of my own twin babies that were at home and I was missing.

 

The mother of the group noticed me watching and said, "Yes, they are all ours!" in a short and angry tone. It blew me away. I so wanted to tell her I wasn't thinking that at all, but missed my own twins, but she was moving away and there was a lot of commotion. I really felt bad that she thought I was thinking something negative like that.

[Sugarfoot]

We only have four, but I guess that seems like alot to many people, probably because it's double the "average" number! We get comments all the time, especially while traveling. Like Marcia and others, I usually just say, "Yes, we're very blessed," or "Yes, we've been so fortunate." An interesting trend that I've noticed is that older people often have a different type of comment. I've had numerous older (as in 70 and above) women say things like, "Aren't you a lucky Mama?" or "Isn't it fun?" I think it really speaks to the change in the culture, and it boggles my mind to think of the dramatic shifts in family life that these women have seen in their lifetimes.

 

I try not to be defensive about my family size, because truly I have nothing to be defensive about. I want others to see our peace and love, and I feel like everytime someone is surprised by us, or any other family that falls outside of the "cultural norm," maybe our joy will put just a flicker of greater acceptance in their minds.?

 

I'm not sure I expressed that very well! Anyway, have a great day, everyone, and enjoy being stare-worthy, because whether you have 1 child or 12, if you're homeschoolers, you're CRAZY!!!:D

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I thought of something else that irked me, still does. My oldest is a girl and the next is a boy. Someone I considered a friend informed me that was perfect, I think she called it a rich man's family or something like that. When she found out I was pregnant with #3 she went on a tirade about overpopulation!:001_huh: and "population zero" and on and on....we have since drifted apart as friends....wonder why?;)

 

When we lived in Germany, we would get a lot of comments from people. A colleague of dh's told him that three kids was on the edge of what was considered socially irresponsible (this was presented as a warning that we might get disapproving looks and comments). I don't remember disapproval so much as lots of astonishment, head pats and offers of candy from sellers in the flea market. But this was most often from the older generation - folks who often had few grandchildren.

But my favorite comment was from a Chinese general who was at a big party for the Fourth of July. One of our kids came up and gave dh a hug while he was talking with the general and his aide. When dh told him that he had three sons, the man patted ds's head, looked at dh and said, "God loves you." DH just looked back and said, "Yes, he does."

[AndyJoy]

My best friend is the oldest in a family of four, and her mom got comments and strange looks all the time when they lived in CA. I looked enough like them to be the oldest sister and was with them quite often, so people usually thought there were 5 in the family. The best time was when I was out with them, and the mom called us over, "Andrea, Amy, Andrea, Kara, David, come here!" The poor clerk asked incredulously, "You have TWO daughters named Andrea?" The mom responded in a serious voice, "Yes--we like the first one so much we named the third one after her!"

[FlockOfSillies]

My standard is usually along the lines of, "I think we've pretty much got it down to a science by now."

[FlockOfSillies]

When I had my ds5, people would say are you going to have more? Then I had my dd2, and I still get the same question. I wonder what is the magic number where people stop asking if you are having more, and complaining you have to many?

 

The "you've got your hands full" routine starts at 3 kids.

 

My aunt had 4 boys, and people used come up to her and say "Oh are you going to try for a girl?" I have never understood a comment like that. I would have been happy with any gender combo. Why do they have to assume you need some of each kind to be happy?

 

Well, duh, why do you think there were three extra boys? They MUST have been trying for a girl! :p

[Julpost]

When one of the guys comments on how many kids he has, (and if I'm not around) he'll say... "We don't have cable... what are we supposed to do?" It makes them laugh... it stops the questions. ;)

 

 

 

That's a good one. The guys at dh work said we needed to get a TV when they found out we were pregnant with #5.

[Pink Fairy]

I remember when I was pg with #4 and my auto mechanic (!) asked me "don't you know what causes that?" Before thinking I said "yeah, and I can't get enough of it--my husband is HOT!" He turned all red--it was hilarious! It's my favorite story in the long list of stories on this subject.

[Nestof3]

I have the opposite problem. People make comments all the time about how FEW children we have.

 

This summer I was sharing with a quiverfull mom. She had asked what I had been doing the last few weeks. I told her I was walking on my treadmill for 2 hours a day, organizing my house, purging things, and working on lesson plans and a menu plan.

 

She said, "You need more kids."

 

Others, a little on the softer side, are always asking "So, have you thought of having another?"

 

Sometimes I will answer more than just "Yes, we consider it from time to time" and elaborate: "We feel this is all we can handle emotionally and financially."

 

Then, there's the response, "There's such freedom when you trust the Lord with your womb. The Lord always provides."

 

Then we find out they're making it because they're reaping the benefits of all of the more unspiritual families (those who don't have large families) who are paying far more in taxes (because they make more money and do not have as many tax deductions) to support all of the programs they are using.

 

Honestly, I never had a problem with quiverfull -- in fact, we were almost persuaded in that direction, but after being around so many quiverfull families and the situations we see (I really don't want to get too personal -- but I just couldn't live like some of these people do) -- it has left a bad taste in our mouths. And, I really have no problem with the quiverfull idea in itself. I still love reading Above Rubies and other writings. I am only speaking of my personal experiences with the questions about our family size.

 

Let me just reiterate that I love seeing large families, I love the closeness they radiate, I love that they are following their own convictions regardless of what others think. Sometimes, I even envy those who can care for so many children.

[Aubrey]

Ok, so who wants to try a different approach?

 

Next time somebody says *something*--break down & cry & tell them you can't take it any more, you need help, etc. Ham it up.:D

 

I mean, :crying::crying::crying::crying::crying::crying:

 

And let me know how it goes, cuz I've got no guts!;)

[Audrey]

Families with only children also comment on having people not 'approve' of their decision not to have the 2.2 with minivan and labrador.

 

Too true! I learned one of my best comebacks from a mom of many for when I get asked a rude, "when are you having another one?" or "only one? That's a shame!"

 

The only kid version: I say, "Yes, just the one. I didn't want to run the risk of producing one as rude as you."

 

The many kids version: She would say, "Yes, I have (x) kids. I'll keep having them to cancel out the effect of people as rude as you."

 

So, ya know... use whichever one works for ya. :D

[Whisperlily]

When I had my ds5, people would say are you going to have more? Then I had my dd2, and I still get the same question. I wonder what is the magic number where people stop asking if you are having more, and complaining you have to many?

 

My aunt had 4 boys, and people used come up to her and say "Oh are you going to try for a girl?" I have never understood a comment like that. I would have been happy with any gender combo. Why do they have to assume you need some of each kind to be happy?

 

After my first DS was born, people commented... "You're done, right? You've got one of each!"

 

Now that we've got 2 boys and 2 girls, people will say we've got "the perfect family." I DO like it this way, but I would have been equally happy, and my kids would have been equally "perfect" if we'd had an uneven number of boys and girls. *shrug* I guess it's just something to say, right? :D

[Mama Lynx]

Ok, so who wants to try a different approach?

 

Next time somebody says *something*--break down & cry & tell them you can't take it any more, you need help, etc. Ham it up.:D

 

 

And let me know how it goes, cuz I've got no guts!;)

 

:rofl:

 

Hey, didja know there's a smiley limit? I had to delete all of Aubrey's line of crying smilies before I could post mine. The limit is, apparently, 8.