Very long complaint...Am I nuts?

[MrsMe]

My dh’s nieces come to our house and have been now for about 4 years. DH (I guess) told them if they could make it here that “we’d†pay. This is somewhat standard with my family too if they make the trek….. We are in Arizona. My family is in Wisconsin, his is in California. When my mom comes she usually cooks, offers to pay for food and does while she’s here. Same with my brother. They both clean up and do dishes. Both take us out to eat and buy us something because they want to. They come usually once a year, separately, but mom hasn’t been here in 3 years and my brother hasn’t been here in two. It’s usually a once a year thing and that’s how it started with my dh’s family as well.

My dh’s niece comes with her family. Family of 4. Two kids and two adults. Now since DH is “fun†the rest came this year, his other neice and husband and one more niece. They have been here every year for 4 years, but now, sometimes twice or 3 times a year, we get from one or 4 in the family throughout the year. In August we had all 7 of them for 7 long days. They crashed on our couches and the family of 4 brought their travel trailer where 4 adults slept, the rest crashed on our couches and love seat. Since then the family of four was here minus one in October, this past weekend, the family of 4 came yet again. The timing ticked me because I had to rearrange everything Christmas, shopping, tree, décor setup and move it up and back.

Sometimes they bring the travel trailer, because we have no extra sleeping arrangements. That costs an extra $100 for the week on our electric bill in the summer. The 7 day “vacation†last summer cost us $400 in food and about another $1,000 as my dh took them to the lake for a few days. He paid for rooms, meals, gas for the boat, gas for the 3hour (one way) trek. They want to go to the lake and make sure they get to go, because they ask about it before coming.

They have never said, “oh we’d love to take you out to eat†to my dh. I have no beef with the married couple (the two). HE did the dishes when he was here and offered to pay for a dinner. His wife cooked a meal. That’s great. But the family of 4…offered to pay for breakfast once (the cheapest) meal in that 7 day period and never have offered to pay a thing or do anything ever. Let me say my family is just me, dh and dd.

This family of 4 just left (again) this weekend. Their 13 yr old daughter broke a shelf trying to stand on something she didn’t ask to have. Her parents didn’t offer to fix it. They’ve never offered to take my dh out to eat, don’t help cook or clean up dishes. When it was time to go to bed, my dh gave them an air mattress because that’s all we have, which they’re okay with, but my dh and I are scrambling to get them settled to sleep and they’re just sitting there. We put their two girls on the floor with some blankets and pillows in my dd’s room. Sunday, we mentioned we were going to church and had to leave by 9:30 and they’re welcome to stay as we’d be back in a few hours. They’re leaving on Sunday as well. My dh and I hop in the shower only to get cold water. They all were in the shower even still at 8:30. They must think hot water comes from ???? They always hop in the shower not knowing or caring if anyone is in the shower either. But this…I was pissed. Isn’t it common sense to think that if WE have to be somewhere to leave the shower open?

My dh makes breakfast tells them again they can stay till we get back. They said they’d probably get on their way. We left the food out, because we were running late and left. We came home and the pans w/food still in them were still on the counter with all the dirty dishes. My dh looked where the adults slept and said, “oh that was nice they folded up their blanketsâ€. I’m like yeah, that’s the least they could do and dh rolls his eyes at me! The girls blankets and pillows were still all over the floor in my dd’s bedroom. All the toys where still all over.

They do nothing while they’re here. Am I nuts? Shouldn’t I expect adults to have consideration about shower, or helping with food or clearing or dishes. Especially since they come here like 3-4 times a year with a larger family than we have? We’ve never gotten so much as a Christmas card from them. My dh for the last two years have sent them gifts or gift cards. We have a family of 3. They bring all 7 and it’s a huge monetary task. Even the family of 4 which is where my big beef lies does nothing. When I visit my mom I leave her a check for expenses. She’s on a fixed income. I have always “bought†food or taken my family out of eat while I was there and I certainly have always cleaned up or helped with dishes. I also make sure I’m not showering while someone else is in there nor do I go in a shower if they have to be somewhere.

My dh thinks I’m nuts. Is this lack of consideration standard? I feel like we’re highly taken advantage of. My dh doesn’t see it or even “get†what I’m talking about. This group is an invasion to come here this often and stay…especially for 7 days. Who stays at someone’s home without sleeping arrangements and never offers to do anything, much less stay at a hotel? Or offer to pay for a dinner or help or anything? If I see this group next year it’ll be too soon. Am I selfish?

[Chris in VA]

No, I don't think you are selfish. You are ticked!

I think you need to talk to your husband again. Maybe it's time to give your relatives a heads-up that the free ride is over. Worded nicely but explicitly, you still might be able to see them, but honestly, I'd go see them instead this year.

You can't take advantage of someone unless they let you. Unfortunately, you don't want to let them, but your husband does.

[Word Nerd]

I don't think you're nuts or selfish. But it doesn't sound like they see this issue the way that you do, and no amount of stewing about what they should think or do will change that. They've been taking advantage of you either in ignorance or intentionally, and putting an end to that will require that you or your DH be assertive, ask them to contribute, and establish boundaries.

[Heather in WI]

:grouphug:

 

You are not nuts or selfish. That sounds ... dreadful. I'm sorry.

[Ame E.]

Maybe you need for your own sake to renegotiate the contract... and basically place restrictions... like you may come once a year for X amount of days, and you are expected to pay blah amount towards household expenses, and help around the house with x or y chore... same as you would if you were in some other paying communal living situation... In other words, you need to make up rules... If this will make their being there easier for you to take, do it.. negotiate with your husband... In other words, he may not have an issue, but you do, and you need to do this for you. It's much better to set the boundary now, rather than waiting for things to blow up in your face...

 

It's less a question of being selfish, than it is of setting those boundaries. If they break the rules, they can't come back..

[Carol in Cal.]

...and they are not behaving well as guests.

 

One choice could be to continue, and try not to be resentful. This might make you feel like you're rich and royal and able to extend largess, or it might make you feel really, really taken advantage of.

 

Another choice might be to set some reasonable boundaries. "We need to have the bathroom free and available to us only from 7-9AM on Sunday. Please make sure that you don't need to use it during that time." or "We need to set up a shower schedule for this visit, since we keep running out of hot water with all the people using the shower. Here it is:" (That would include recovery times of 20-30 minutes between showers, and shower time limits of 10 minutes or so.)

 

Personally, I would take the long view. If this is what it takes to see your relatives, and if you really want to do so, then I would just continue with those slight modifications. In general, a good host will 'do for' their guests. And a good guest will bring a hostess gift and pitch in. However, it is probably also very expensive to bring the travel trailer all that way, and they may feel that they are spending a lot more than you are. It's quite possible that neither of you is right about that--very hard to say.

 

When I'm a guest, I bring small presents and try to pick up some tabs. I make my own bed. But, if I were in a strange house and my host didn't have a bedroom for me, I would not presume to pick the spot where I would start to camp out. I would wait for them to set up the bed where they wanted it, and wait for them to offer me towels. I would assume that I had to follow their schedule and diet. I think it would be overbearing if I went to the grocery store and bought food that I thought everyone would like--it seems like I'm taking over then and rejecting their hospitality and food prep choices. Just some food for thought.

[Lovedtodeath]

I do not think that they are intentionally taking advantage. They are probably just clueless. Quite likely they leave their own house in as big of a mess as they leave yours.

 

Set some guidelines about showers and making beds, and as for the rest... tell your husband that they are his relatives so if he wants to be generous then he can choose to do all of the extra work they create, or he can be the one to make them do it, but it won't be on you.

[Strawberry Queen]

I've stayed at my sisters' and she's stayed with my parents. I went to her place for 3 weeks about 5 years ago. We helped out around the house and we also went and bought groceries. We didn't go out to eat cause they have 6 kids, but I cooked them a roast beef dinner with all the trimmings and cleaned it up.

 

My sister has stayed with my parents for 2 weeks or so. She buys groceries, gets the kids to clean the house, and cooks meals. She also tries to get the kids out of the house to give my parents some peace and quiet.;)

 

I think it's really inconsiderate to go to the lake and not pay your own way. I would assume that if you went somewhere with your hosts that you would pay for your own family. I would never expect for my hosts to pay for me to sight see.

 

I think you need to talk things over with your dh and figure out a compromise.

 

HTH

[Mrs Mungo]

You are not nuts. Some people are good house guests and some people are not. Some people help clean up, some people don't. Some people pick up tabs here and there, some people don't. Some people will offer to pay for a tank of gas when you're driving them around and some people won't. You are clearly feeling they are taking advantage of you. You have three choices-1. bite your tongue, 2. set some boundaries, 3. next time you know they are coming offer to book them a hotel or camp site because you can't keep funding everyone's vacations.

[MrsMe]

[quote name=Carol in Cal.;1375831

 

However' date=' it is probably also very expensive to bring the travel trailer all that way, and they may feel that they are spending a lot more than you are. It's quite possible that neither of you is right about that--very hard to say.

 

When I'm a guest, I bring small presents and try to pick up some tabs. I make my own bed. But, if I were in a strange house and my host didn't have a bedroom for me, I would not presume to pick the spot where I would start to camp out. I would wait for them to set up the bed where they wanted it, and wait for them to offer me towels. I would assume that I had to follow their schedule and diet. I think it would be overbearing if I went to the grocery store and bought food that I thought everyone would like--it seems like I'm taking over then and rejecting their hospitality and food prep choices. Just some food for thought.

 

Just say'in...we had a travel trailer and sold it because it was hard to keep the mice out. So they used ours for a few years. So they had one as well given to them by their father. They bring it if they're staying more than 3 days (or it seems).

 

They tend to want to crash on our couch right next to our bedroom and we're not comfortable with that so we set them up in a different room. My dh made sure of that this time. But they didnt' and don't get up to help blow up the mattress (which we do by hand) or help carry blankets and pillows to the spot or even offer. They bring their own towels usually, but they know where the towels are as I told them when they need one they are "here".

 

The 7 day trip visit on one day I asked what everyone wanted for dinner and was going to the store accordingly as I really ran out of food and ideas. Some came with but never offered to pay for that dinner trip.

 

I totally understand what you're saying, but in this case I don't think I'm overbearing, but the opposite. I usually leave things pretty open, like where to you want to sleep, how many blankets, here's the towels, what would you like to eat, what don't you like, etc. We found that we hate them on the couch because it's too close to our bedroom (right outside the door) and we have an air vent right into our room from the living room. So this time it was a definite no. So we say you can sleep here or here.

 

But I do understand where you're coming from.

[StartingOver]

ALILAC - are you related to me?

 

My family is like this, and always has been. I have 2 brothers that will help out, offer, ask, etc. Then I have 4 that won't, and all the neices and nephews are like this too. I have always been pretty tolerant. But this last year I had my say LOL. Well the relatives don't come around as much ( thank goodness ) but when they do, they at least ask to help out. I have one brother who has not been back in my home since. I say his loss, I was totally prepared for it. I do admit that I miss him and his family though.

[MrsMe]

Thanks. I have some friends who think I'm crazy and say this doesn't bother them. I had to make sure I'm not looney.

 

I know I shouldn't but I resent the fact that I should have to tell families to clean up their own messes. My friends say, "speak up"! But I'm not that way. Makes me highly uncomfortable. And I wonder why I have to be the one to be uncomfortable, stressing about having to be the nasty. It's not my nature.

[MrsMe]

ALILAC - are you related to me?

 

My family is like this, and always has been. I have 2 brothers that will help out, offer, ask, etc. Then I have 4 that won't, and all the neices and nephews are like this too. I have always been pretty tolerant. But this last year I had my say LOL. Well the relatives don't come around as much ( thank goodness ) but when they do, they at least ask to help out. I have one brother who has not been back in my home since. I say his loss, I was totally prepared for it. I do admit that I miss him and his family though.

 

LOL! That's amazing that some won't be back because you expect them to carry their own weight. If there was a true offer...it would be different, but we don't even get that. I make dinner and the kids are on their I-pods and the adults are on their phones texting. That's a whole other post. Good grief!

Edited December 16, 2009 by alilac

[DesertDweller]

I'm not sure how you've put up with it this long. Is your relationship with them that close? It doesn't sound like it. Three to four times per year is alot unless you are the best of friends, but if you enjoy seeing them that often, then I guess it's not. I think it's excessive for even the closest of freinds or relatives.

 

As far as their behavior, you really need to set some boundaries. I would work it out with your dh first so you can both know what your expectations are. He sounds like a very generous guy, but it also sounds like he's being taken advantage of, IMO. You're not a bed and breakfast. There should be a limit to the amount of time and resources you have to expend to meet their needs and/or make their trip enjoyable.

 

I would put my foot down. If you don't, chances are high that you're going to finally reach your limit, and then, you'll probably blow up at them or dh causing the situation to become much worse.

[Harriet Vane]

You're not nuts, but I also think they are probably just clueless. Some things just are not obvious to people. It's up to you to smilingly set the boundaries. For example, I doubt they thought about your need for a shower before church one way or the other--it's up to you, then, to say, "We'll need the showers before that time, so you'll have to plan to shower after we leave." Or whatever.

 

Your dh may not think these things are a big deal, but they ARE, and you can still be a gracious host while setting boundaries.

[Word Nerd]

Makes me highly uncomfortable. And I wonder why I have to be the one to be uncomfortable, stressing about having to be the nasty. It's not my nature.

 

I understand, and I'm the same way! But you're pretty uncomfortable with the status quo as it is, and at least this way you would be uncomfortable but have some hope of changing the situation. :grouphug:

[TammyinTN]

Absolutely you are not nuts! This would drive me bonkers as well.

I'm not going to tell you what I would do...it's not very nice. ;)

[MrsMe]

I'm not sure how you've put up with it this long. Is your relationship with them that close? It doesn't sound like it. Three to four times per year is alot unless you are the best of friends, but if you enjoy seeing them that often, then I guess it's not. I think it's excessive for even the closest of freinds or relatives.

 

As far as their behavior, you really need to set some boundaries. I would work it out with your dh first so you can both know what your expectations are. He sounds like a very generous guy, but it also sounds like he's being taken advantage of, IMO. You're not a bed and breakfast. There should be a limit to the amount of time and resources you have to expend to meet their needs and/or make their trip enjoyable.

 

I would put my foot down. If you don't, chances are high that you're going to finally reach your limit, and then, you'll probably blow up at them or dh causing the situation to become much worse.

 

Dh's sister is a loon and his parents are deceased. So dh is very happy to have family that is not "postal". So he's very tolerant I think and chooses to not see it. They've been coming out for about 4 years now. The eldest neice came for a visit on her way through driving to the east coast. So close like in best of friends, no. But they have things in common. Heck, my mom and me are somewhat close, talk daily - weekly by email and I haven't seen her for a year. I try to see her annually. But before that it was two years. I too think 4 times a year is a lot. And to stay..and stay, and stay. My thought is to either move here or come once a year.:tongue_smilie:

[Penelope]

That sounds like a crazy situation! I think my DH would have to do something, because I would not be pleasant to be around for the fourth! visit in one year. He'd be more worried about my sanity than the relatives -- it sounds like you are immensely patient and hospitable, more so than I.

 

Most of DH's family does not lift a finger to help, even so much as clearing their own plates, while they are here. I don't say anything because the visits are so short, but try to remember the behavior and be an extra good guest, even when I am at their house!

[MrsMe]

Absolutely you are not nuts! This would drive me bonkers as well.

I'm not going to tell you what I would do...it's not very nice. ;)

 

 

LOL...probably nothing I haven't thought of. :tongue_smilie:

Dang, sometimes I wish I wasn't such a weenie.

[Carol in Cal.]

.

 

 

I totally understand what you're saying, but in this case I don't think I'm overbearing, but the opposite. I usually leave things pretty open, like where to you want to sleep, how many blankets, here's the towels, what would you like to eat, what don't you like, etc. We found that we hate them on the couch because it's too close to our bedroom (right outside the door) and we have an air vent right into our room from the living room. So this time it was a definite no. So we say you can sleep here or here.

 

But I do understand where you're coming from.

 

I don't think you're being overbearing. I think I MIGHT be being overbearing if I to to the store when I'm a guest and do a bunch of shopping for my hosts. Totally opposite scenerio. Just trying to show how they might think, that is all.

 

Look, I think that they are bad guests. But having said that, now what do you do? Two wrongs don't make a right. I understand that you would like them to pitch in. Now it's time to decide whether you want to ask them to do so or not, and to think a few steps beyond that to what the results will be if you do ask them that, and whether those results are worth it or not. You're up in the next generation, and so that militates in favor of your being the gracious hosts that really do 'host' everything. You can either ask them to step up, graciously step back a little to give them more room to step up, or choose to continue the way you have been, establishing yourselves as the best aunt and uncle EVER in their eyes. It sounds like your DH is inclined to do the latter, because he enjoys this and wants to take the initiative in keeping in touch with them. Maybe he can carry a little more of the load instead of you.

[Brigitte]

You're not nuts, but I also think they are probably just clueless. Some things just are not obvious to people. It's up to you to smilingly set the boundaries. For example, I doubt they thought about your need for a shower before church one way or the other--it's up to you, then, to say, "We'll need the showers before that time, so you'll have to plan to shower after we leave." Or whatever.

 

Your dh may not think these things are a big deal, but they ARE, and you can still be a gracious host while setting boundaries.

 

:iagree: Perhaps after meals you need to start saying things like, "I'll wash, you dry" and hand them a towel. The night before church tell them that you need the showers from 7:00 to 8:30 and if they want hot water, they will need to get their shower either before or after. As you walk out the door for church, tell them to leave the sheets and blankets next to the washer.

 

They probably won't mind your asking them nicely/obliquely to help and be considerate. If they do, they won't come back anytime soon.

[tex-mex]

Hubby sounds like a sweetie whom is being taken advantage of. Set up boundaries or it will be like this forever. Hubby needs to be tough and learn to say no. The trip to the lake was excessive.

[Kathleen in VA]

I'm wondering why your dh doesn't see the problem. There are lots of possibilities. Perhaps he likes being the "rich uncle" who is always available and willing to go all out to make his family feel welcome. That could contribute to the situation. I don't know the financial status of your relatives, but it may actually be a hardship to pay for a meal. If my brother in CA invited my family for a visit, we would find it very difficult just to pay to get there, let alone for meals. This only concerns the money issue, but it could be that they really can't afford to help pay for anything. It could be all their budget allows to make the trip and they are just delighted that your dh is so generous and willing to provide the rest. If it is a hardship for you to pay for all these guests and you never let them know that, they may just be assuming that you're rolling in cash and that it barely makes a dent in your bank account. Again, your dh may actually like that they think that.

 

As far as the messes they make. You are right - that is rude. I understand your reluctance to say anything; I don't like confrontation either. Thing is, you lose either way. You just have to decide which is the more appealing loss: living with their messes or living with their response to you asking them to clean up their messes. Perhaps if you just cheerfully and nonchalantly said, "OK, I'm going to go clean up my room and make the bed now. How about everyone get these blankets folded and pillows stacked (or whatever) while I'm gone." Sort of like talking to preschoolers, "Let's all put these toys away," while you hand them stuff and help them place it in a toy box.:D

 

As to the frequency of their visits, unless your dh has a problem with it, I don't know that there is anything you can do. They are his family and if he enjoys their visits and it doesn't bother him to have them there you will probably just have to resign yourself. I'm trying to think what I would do if my dh had relatives coming all the time and he didn't seem to mind one bit. I would think he likes having them there and I would just to have live with it. It's a shame your dh doesn't see things the way you do, but until he does I can't imagine that's there anything you can really do about it.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Wow, I think you are nuts to allow them back. jk, but wow.. I could not deal with that more than once.

[MrsMe]

I keep forgetting this is more than, like, once a year. Four times is too much. Grandparents and siblings, I can understand more, but not anyone else unless you want them over that much. Are you inviting them or are they inviting themselves?

 

Ah no....they invite themselves. It's pretty much, we're off for this date, we wanna come?

 

I'm a once-a-year person for maybe 4 days max. Anything else. Geez, give me a med.

 

The first time they ever stayed, they pretty much left their 3 yr old with me for an entire day without asking. Then all fell asleep on the floor with their 3 yr old walking around at 11pm. Who do you suppose didn't go to sleep? Me. DH put an end to that one. They don't ever send their kids to bed either.

[MrsMe]

I'm wondering why your dh doesn't see the problem. There are lots of possibilities. Perhaps he likes being the "rich uncle" who is always available and willing to go all out to make his family feel welcome. That could contribute to the situation. I don't know the financial status of your relatives, but it may actually be a hardship to pay for a meal. If my brother in CA invited my family for a visit, we would find it very difficult just to pay to get there, let alone for meals. This only concerns the money issue, but it could be that they really can't afford to help pay for anything. It could be all their budget allows to make the trip and they are just delighted that your dh is so generous and willing to provide the rest. If it is a hardship for you to pay for all these guests and you never let them know that, they may just be assuming that you're rolling in cash and that it barely makes a dent in your bank account. Again, your dh may actually like that they think that.QUOTE]

 

They have money..enough. In fact this last visit they just returned from going to Disneyland which is why they told us didn't have their Christmas tree up. Their 13 yr old daughter has her own cell phone, ipod and laptop. I think there are no hardships.

 

DH probably does like that they think that. Except that we just emptied our bank account last August to save our business. This last visit he told them we has no money. They didn't seem to care. They went to a gun show on Saturday and they didn't even buy lunch. I think DH wouldn't buy it either so they all had kettle corn for the entire day (and I'll bet DH bought it, I didn't go) and when they got home, they said they were STARVING. We served them DiGornio (sp?) pizza.

 

Nice try though....next? :tongue_smilie: (LOL!)

Edited December 16, 2009 by alilac

[MrsMe]

Hubby sounds like a sweetie whom is being taken advantage of. Set up boundaries or it will be like this forever. Hubby needs to be tough and learn to say no. The trip to the lake was excessive.

 

 

In all honestly he is sweet and he doesn't see that their using him. Whether intentional or not. The hell with me...I want them to say, "we'd love to take _dh__ out to eat." He's been so good to us. I think that's what bothers me the most. But then maybe dh is the saint, because he doesn't expect anything. But you have to weigh doormat vs saint.

[Merry]

talked with your dh about how you're really feeling? Does he know you're talking about this on this board?

[amy g.]

Let me just say that my husband is also very generous. I just tell myself that his giving spirit must be part of the reason we have been blessed in so many ways.

 

Sure, those exact people may never reciprocate, but we always seem to thrive.

 

I'm not saying you should put up with it, I'm just offering you another way to look at the situation.