Receiving "encouragement" from fellow believers...(CC)

[AuntieM]

Two situations come to mind. First, dd did not qualify to participate in the upcoming round of a beloved activity. She is terribly disappointed. She has received a great bit of encouragement, some of which includes the "God knows what's best for you" type. I really think she needs a bit of grieving/decompression time before she is comforted with the spiritual considerations that God's plans did not match up with hers. We will eventually talk about it together, when a couple of weeks have passed. She's just needed me to cry with her a lot, and doesn't want to talk about it too much. I can understand in her case her not being receptive to spiritual comfort right away, in that she is still young and immature.

 

Second, I need to sit through DH's surgery on Monday morning, and a person who will be accompanying me that morning (not really by my choice) is one that will likely spend the entire time quoting Scriptures to me. I have to say, though I have total trust and confidence in the Lord, I am actually dreading this time. Am I then (not-so-)young and immature?

 

If you are a Christian who feels assured of her faith, can you tell me how it feels to you when others offer you encouragement akin to preaching? I mean, if the truth is the truth, should I not embrace every utterance of it? Or is it understandable that I should feel a little prickly? The past few years have been difficult for me in many ways, but I have never failed to believe in the goodness and sovereignty of God. I just don't have a storybook view of life as many bright and shiny fellow believers seem to have. I've been operating more in a survival mode, IYKWIM.

 

I have been pondering this verse from Proverbs 25:20:

"Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day,

or like vinegar poured on soda,

is one who sings songs to a heavy heart."

 

Do you think this applies to believers, or not? Do words of Scripture count as "songs"?

 

So many questions for a Friday afternoon. What do you think?

[Ritsumei]

There's a time and a season for everything. Sometimes, the hardest support to give is to just be still, and yet that is the type of support that seems to be most needed.

 

{{hugs}}

[Colleen in NS]

Am I then (not-so-)young and immature?

 

No.

 

If you are a Christian who feels assured of her faith, can you tell me how it feels to you when others offer you encouragement akin to preaching? I mean, if the truth is the truth, should I not embrace every utterance of it?

 

It feels like they are preaching at me and not letting me just be human and feel what humans feel. God made us to be human.

 

And no, I don't think you have to embrace every utterance of it. God gave you a mind that is capable of filtering out what you need and what you don't need - and the ability to decide what you need and don't need.

 

:grouphug: Maybe you could just bring a book and hide out in a corner of the waiting room? Pretend to take a nap there? Tell your companion that you just need to pull inside yourself and deal with it privately with God?

[lionfamily1999]

ETA, how stupid of me! I'm sorry these things have happened. :grouphug:

 

Miss Manners' Basic Training, Talking

 

It is a breach of etiquette to not offer consolation or congratulations at times when they are in order. IOW, while you may think that an "it's all for the best" is helpful, it is actually rude. A simple, "I'm sorry" will suffice quite well.

 

I just read through that last week (this week I'm learning communication). It's not just Christians that are doing this wrong, it's a nation wide epidemic!

 

All that to say, if I could afford it, I would give that book to everyone I know for Christmas.

 

She recommends, "I'm sure you mean well" or "I'm sure you want to offer condolenses" to all of us clods that much up the simple apology :(

 

As for the scripture quoter... maybe you could just quietly pray the whole time? I mean, they would not interrupt you for that. Maybe you could mention they would be much more assistance at home on their knees than there, reading.

Edited December 11, 2009 by lionfamily1999

[PineFarmMom]

I have been pondering this verse from Proverbs 25:20:

"Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day,

or like vinegar poured on soda,

is one who sings songs to a heavy heart."

 

Do you think this applies to believers, or not? Do words of Scripture count as "songs"?

 

So many questions for a Friday afternoon. What do you think?

 

As a Christian, I think there's a time to just shut up, hug someone, and listen to them if they want to talk. If I feel "led" by the Holy Spirit to offer God's Word, then yes, but not more than that.

 

At a time like that, it would mean more to me to have someone with me that just respected my space and wanted to serve me in whatever way I might need at that moment. Throwing God's Word out like that, even if all of it is very true, can sound trite, IMO, and often is not something God is leading the person to do. Sometimes they are doing it of their own choice because it's what they "think" they should do, kwim? JMO

[OnTheBrink]

I know what you mean. Sometimes, the most healing thing a friend can do is to just allow you to grieve until you're ready to hear the "words." God can use our sorrow and grief to make us more like Him, and sometimes you just don't need it rubbed in your face, ya know?

 

I think back to when I had a m/c and my mother's flippant, "Well, God knows what He's doing" remark stung, badly. I KNEW that, but I was still hurting.

 

I agree to let your dd decompress and grieve over her disappointment for a time, then speak to her of what Scripture says about what she's going through. At the same time, can you ask your friend to just pray for you from home? How come she's going to be there w/o it being your choice? IF she has to be there, can you tell her, "I really need some quiet time right now" if she starts preaching to you?

[Wendi]

I think quoting Scriptures, and reminding believers of the truth (i.e., God works out everything for good...) is important and can be helpful. When someone has experienced (or is experiencing) loss, pain, grief, etc., though, the first thing to do is to "weep with those who weep". We can sensitively look for the right time to offer words of encouragement and Scriptures. But when someone gives the impression that one is wrong to be feeling bad, or doesn't really acknowledge the pain, the words of "encouragement" often don't feel very encouraging. There's a difference between experiencing normal human grief, disappointment, sadness, etc., and faithlessly wallowing in it, becoming bitter, etc. We shouldn't act like every expression of sadness can or needs to be instantly erased. After all, Jesus wept. It's normal to feel sadness, disappointment, or grief over real losses.

 

I've experienced both kinds of "encouragement". Before I had ds, we experienced two miscarriages and other struggles. When I grieved over those miscarriages, some people from my church made me feel that I was sinful or weak for grieving. Several years later, when ds was three, we lost another baby. We were going to a different church. This time, we received very different encouragement. Women came up to me with tears in their eyes and hugged me. They told me how sorry they were. They shared my grief. Yes, they quoted scripture, but it didn't feel like scolding, it felt like encouraging.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Wendi

[Carol in Cal.]

Our car was totalled. It rolled at least twice.

 

DD and I walked away. Well, actually we were carried. But we did not have to even spend one night in the hospital.

 

At least 3 cars stopped to help us, including an EMT who told me how lucky we were to even be alive, let alone whole.

 

But our car was totalled, and I couldn't drive our other one for a long time afterwards because my back hurt too much to drive a stick. I was on a long maternity leave, and it was horrible to be without a car. I knew that we couldn't buy another one unless I went back to work, and I wanted to stay home with my DD. The insurance company was NOT helpful, and I couldn't sit on the floor because of the cartilege damage. I couldn't sing because it hurt to take a deep breath. For a year. My DD was 15 months old at the time of the accident, and until then I sang to her ALL THE TIME. It's one of my favorite things to do.

 

And whenever I woke up in the night I would see the jersey barrier coming toward us and feel us hit and start to roll--over and over.

 

So, I veered wildly between being very, very grateful that it wasn't worse, and being really, really annoyed that it had happened at all.

 

And it seemed like no matter what anyone said, it was the wrong thing. If someone commented on how lucky we were, sure as shooting that was a day when I was veering toward feeling sorry for myself. If someone said how horrible things were, likely that was on a day when I was feeling pretty doggone lucky.

 

I concluded after this was over with that the best thing to say is something like, "I am so sorry! Is there anything I can do?" and then offer something specific like prepared food or a ride to the store or a ride to the doctor. There was an older woman who just quietly stepped in and drove me to the doctor over and over, and the way she did it was so nice. She called me up one day and said that she had been thinking that I might need help getting to the doctor, and when was my next appointment? So she took me, and then as we were leaving the facility she said, "And when should I pick you up for your next appointment?" very quietly. She made me feel so supported because I didn't have to keep asking. It was really nice.

[annabanana1992]

Scripture is the ultimate trump card, but a wise person knows when to play it....

[Kathleen in VA]

Sometimes the best thing said is nothing at all when the feeling is raw. People mean well, but really sometimes it is better if they say nothing. I think they just feel helpless and think they are doing something by talking.

 

 

:iagree:Job 2:12-13 says "And when they [Job's friends] raised their eyes from afar, and did not recognize him, they lifted their voices and wept; and each one tore his robe and sprinkled dust on his head toward heaven. So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw this his grief was very great." (emphasis added)

 

To me, this verse mirrors the verse that says to "weep with those who weep."

 

I also love what Carol in CA's friend did - just quietly offered practical assistance and did not wait to be asked. It is sooooo hard for those in need to ask even when folks say, "Just call if you need anything."

 

I do think folks mean well, and as a Christian, I think my response to someone who is trying to be nice even if they are not succeeding, should be to accept the heart with which the "kindness" is offered and try hard to overlook any rudeness. Of course, that's easy to say when I'm not in the middle of a difficult situation - it's much harder when it actually happens.

 

I guess there are two sides to this. For those offering help, the best thing is to allow the person who is hurting to hurt and grieve while offering specific practical assistance.

 

For those receiving unwelcome "encouragement," I think one needs to focus on the spirit in which it is given and not so much on the poor way it is given.

[Miss Marple]

In most cases where I have been in distress and have had the Pollyana type of people quote scripture at me, I knew they meant well. I just chalk up their inability to relate to the fact that they have (most likely) not experienced something like what I was experiencing.

 

When dh was facing high risk surgery, or sure/sudden death without it, and I had 4 children under the age of 6, I didn't get a lot of comfort from those "everything will work out" quotes. But, I know the folks who said it meant well and just didn't know what to say in the situation.

 

From all of it I have learned (as others on here have said) that there is a time to "mourn with those who mourn, weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice". I will say that some of those who had faced similar situations, esp. the older folks, offered wonderful, encouraging scripture that didn't diminish what I was going through, didn't make it look like I had no faith, and who had often received encouragement from those same verses. Those moments were very meaningful.

[Parrothead]

 

Second, I need to sit through DH's surgery on Monday morning, and a person who will be accompanying me that morning (not really by my choice) is one that will likely spend the entire time quoting Scriptures to me. I have to say, though I have total trust and confidence in the Lord, I am actually dreading this time. Am I then (not-so-)young and immature?

 

Hon, I would dread and hate to have to sit through that too. I would rather my companion ask me if I want to pray, and if so, let me lead the prayer. Otherwise, IMHO, a companion in any type of "traumatic" situation should be getting you coffee and handling phone calls to/from good friends.

[Annabel Lee]

I just chalk up their inability to relate to the fact that they have (most likely) not experienced something like what I was experiencing.

 

:iagree:When my 2yo nephew passed away years ago, both I and his mom were very young (early 20's) and I had never experienced death of a person so beloved or close. To me, God equaled comfort, so that is what I offered. She grew up in church but hadn't pursued God on her own as an adult. I really didn't know what to say or do. Turns out that the one time I joined her as she looked through his photos and just cried w/ her & held her was far preferred over the rest. I didn't know it but at the time she was wrestling with wanting to escape the hurt, not face it head-on and take it to God. It can take time to get to that point - I know that now, but I didn't then. All that to say that people really might mean well and share your grief and have sympathy within, but not know how to convey it properly.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've had hurting people call me and ask "Is God there?" or "What does God say about this?" That is the time to quietly look at the Bible together.

 

 

Often these people who quote spiritual soundbites don't really know what they mean - not in the "I've been there and really understand how God works things out anyway" sort of way. I think they want to be helpful but I think that they often want to sound "spiritual" too. Quite often it comes across as a slap in the face to me when I'm going through a tough time. I'd rather someone be truly "real". If that means hugging and crying with me, or rolling up their shirtsleeves to help practically, or telling me their own story of when they've honestly "been there, done that" then I welcome it. If they are somehow putting me down by implying that I wouldn't be in pain if I truly believed that God was working things all out, then no thank you.

[Anne in CA]

I have an aunt exactly like this, a big exhorter who is always telling you how great everything is, and, to be even more helpful, she can quote the whole Bible to you at the most inconvenient times. She is a rock and I love her though.

 

A few years ago I was thinking to myself, how could such a loving person have so few friends? And at that moment I realized how irritating most people find this behavior. But she is there when you need her, she just finds comfort in scripture and can't help offering it when she sees someone else hurting. I think she is obsessive about scripture, but it is a good thing she isn't obsessive about hurting people. Also, I think she doesn't see boundaries clearly.

 

You are not wrong to be irritated, but I do hope you can give grace to people who do mean well. Sometimes I think the church forgets that most of us who are followers of Christ are so because we need Him. We were broken and are being put back together. We need grace. I myself have found that I give grace much more easily to coworkers than fellow church goers. I'm not saying that you are not giving grace, I'm just giving a tiny reminder, because it sounds like you need some love and grace right now too. I will pray for your dh.

[AuntieM]

I have an aunt exactly like this, a big exhorter who is always telling you how great everything is, and, to be even more helpful, she can quote the whole Bible to you at the most inconvenient times. She is a rock and I love her though.

 

A few years ago I was thinking to myself, how could such a loving person have so few friends? And at that moment I realized how irritating most people find this behavior. But she is there when you need her, she just finds comfort in scripture and can't help offering it when she sees someone else hurting. I think she is obsessive about scripture, but it is a good thing she isn't obsessive about hurting people. Also, I think she doesn't see boundaries clearly.

 

You are not wrong to be irritated, but I do hope you can give grace to people who do mean well. Sometimes I think the church forgets that most of us who are followers of Christ are so because we need Him. We were broken and are being put back together. We need grace. I myself have found that I give grace much more easily to coworkers than fellow church goers. I'm not saying that you are not giving grace, I'm just giving a tiny reminder, because it sounds like you need some love and grace right now too. I will pray for your dh.

 

Yes! This is exactly her! I think one of the reasons I feel kind of crummy about dreading the morning is that I know how sincere she really is. Just so you know, this is my MIL. The dear, sweet mother of my husband, so I cannot ask her not to be there if she so wishes. I would welcome a deep, spiritual conversation, but this is difficult as our perspective often differs. She is one to feel uncomfortable with silence and often alternates between sermonizing and worrying, so I never know what to say. I just don't think I'll have the mental energy to spare that morning. Your offers of prayers are encouraging and coveted, thanks very much.

 

Thanks to all of you who let me know my feelings are understandable. Good to know that I can still be a Christian even if I don't like to be preached at! We all need grace, don't we? I will ask God to help me show it as well as receive it.

[Claire in NM]

Sometimes I feel the same way. But I've also come to realize something else. I know that however a person reaches out to you, if they truly are your brother or sister in Christ, it helps to see past their attempts - however rooted the attempts are in their own strength or in God's strength - to understand that they are trying to reach out to you in love. Ideally, a church family should be your greatest support and encouragement because they are the body of Christ.

 

In addition, if they are truly a part of your church family, you should be able to share with them your feelings regarding this issue. If they really love you, they will understand.

 

Claire in NM

Edited December 12, 2009 by Claire in NM

[lionfamily1999]

Yes! This is exactly her! I think one of the reasons I feel kind of crummy about dreading the morning is that I know how sincere she really is. Just so you know, this is my MIL. The dear, sweet mother of my husband, so I cannot ask her not to be there if she so wishes. I would welcome a deep, spiritual conversation, but this is difficult as our perspective often differs. She is one to feel uncomfortable with silence and often alternates between sermonizing and worrying, so I never know what to say. I just don't think I'll have the mental energy to spare that morning. Your offers of prayers are encouraging and coveted, thanks very much.

 

Thanks to all of you who let me know my feelings are understandable. Good to know that I can still be a Christian even if I don't like to be preached at! We all need grace, don't we? I will ask God to help me show it as well as receive it.

AH, then the scripture is as much for her as it is for you :(

 

:grouphug:

 

I'll pray for him, his doctors and the two of you that will be waiting.

[JoyfulMama]

If the talking aloud becomes more than you can focus on, why not tell her that you'd like to pray silently for a few minutes? I'm sure she would completely understand.

Then, close your eyes, pray, relax, breathe, and remember those positive thoughts about your MIL that you shared here, and that you are both needing a bit of support to get through the day.

[G5052]

For those receiving unwelcome "encouragement," I think one needs to focus on the spirit in which it is given and not so much on the poor way it is given.

 

I find this sometimes as hard to deal with as the actual difficult situation. We've had 7+ years of almost constant crises in our immediate family, and scads of advice and "encouragement" that I frankly could do without.

 

Over time, I've learned to say, "You know, everyone deals with problems differently, but frankly I'd like to deal with this my own way. Thank you for offering to help." A good friend who grasps this runs interference for me at our church so there's not a big outpouring when we don't want it. I'm having an outpatient procedure just before Christmas, and they already know that we don't want "help" until after Christmas. Having scads of people streaming through just before the holiday and taking over Christmas dinner is not my idea of "help."

 

So yes, be appreciative, but I also believe that politely saying "no, thank you" is appropriate as well.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: Everyone else has stated it so well, but yes I feel the same way.

[*LC]

I'll pray for him, his doctors and the two of you that will be waiting.

 

I agree. Since it is your MIL, could you bring a Bible study book that you read together or to each other. If she can't stand silence, she could read to you and you could listen & zone as you need that morning. Is there a Christian author that you know you both could listen to that morning. Maybe hearing a different person "preaching" would be easier than your MIL that you have heard other times.

 

I would recommend not getting a book that preaches the message that you don't want to hear right now. Maybe there is a Christmas-themed book out there that would work? A book I read when my husband was hospitalized and acknowledged life is hard sometimes even when God is in your life was by Max Lucado. The book is called "Eye of the Storm." A number of the chapters are available on line, so you could even print them out without needing a trip to the store. Some of these chapters are available here. http://www.maxlucado.com/pdf/peace.defies.pain.pdf

 

I'll be thinking of you.

[Marylou]

Since you know ahead what will happen, I suggest you have a thick yellow legal pad and a nice flowing pen packed in your bag. When she starts with the quotes you could have your mind made up ahead of time that you are going to listen intently to that one verse(s). After the second time you could ask her (as you take out the supplies) that she write any other Scriptures/"sermons" down because it is hard for you to pray silently and listen politely to her words. If she doesn't abide by your wishes you could take out your headphones and tell her you need to listen to some soothing music as you pray.

[Colleen in NS]

Just so you know, this is my MIL. The dear, sweet mother of my husband

 

In my mind, this is different that what I thought from your OP. :D So disregard my other answer in this case. And :grouphug: to both of you as you wait for news of a man who is very important to both of you.