Gentlemanly Attributes

[eaglei]

NOT to start a *problem* - just curious - and interested in responses from both the gals and the guys of the hive!

 

How do you describe a gentleman - what is your definition of a gentleman - what are gentlemanly attributes - what are some practical IRL behaviors of a gentleman?

 

:001_smile:

[Impish]

NOT to start a *problem* - just curious - and interested in responses from both the gals and the guys of the hive!

 

How do you describe a gentleman - what is your definition of a gentleman - what are gentlemanly attributes - what are some practical IRL behaviors of a gentleman?

 

:001_smile:

Funny, its not one of those things I think much about, yet recognize immediately.

 

Courteous, respectful, thoughtful. IRL behaviours include opening doors, assisting with heavy loads, being concerned with those more vulnerable than himself.

[bkpan]

NOT to start a *problem* - just curious - and interested in responses from both the gals and the guys of the hive!

 

How do you describe a gentleman - what is your definition of a gentleman - what are gentlemanly attributes - what are some practical IRL behaviors of a gentleman?

 

:001_smile:

 

Someone who ALWAYS puts the seat back down!!:tongue_smilie:

 

And, also, he shows others respect, consideration, and polite behavior. He respects authority, allows others to win with a gracious spirit and walks in integrity and honor.

 

I have always regarded my dh as a gentleman. He will open my car door for me, help me to be seated at a restaurant, and treats me with courtesy and respect.

 

Oh, and he ALWAYS puts the seat down. Too bad my sons havent caught on yet!

 

Just some random thoughts.:D

 

Kim

[elizabeth]

There are many , many things that come to my mind but this has to be top of the list. It covers many situations and particularly those times when good old Thumper from Bambi comes to mind-"If you can't say anything nice ,don't say anything at all." As I watch dh interact with clients, unruly witnesses' and recalcitrant judges I am often simply amazed with his restraint and refusal to engage in childish banter simply to score a point. The second thing that to me is a clear sign that one is in the presence of a gentleman is a refusal to tolerate, or allow to come from one's mouth any racial slur, ethnic slur,sexual identity slur , gender bias, mental impairment slang and the like, or otherwise distasteful reference to a condition that one is simply born with. A gentleman and a scholar would never use those terms nor tolerate bigotry from others by permitting those words to be uttered in his presence without a response indicating his refusal to accept such language and bias. A gentleman never bullies, belittles nor permits another to do so. I must say that I am certain I am one of the luckiest women in the world to have found such a shining example of decency in a world that has no regard for it.

[Imprimis]

If you can't say anything nice ,don't say anything at all." The second thing that to me is a clear sign that one is in the presence of a gentleman is a refusal to tolerate, or allow to come from one's mouth any racial slur, ethnic slur,sexual identity slur , gender bias, mental impairment slang and the like, or otherwise distasteful reference to a condition that one is simply born with. A gentleman and a scholar would never use those terms nor tolerate bigotry from others by permitting those words to be uttered in his presence without a response indicating his refusal to accept such language and bias. A gentleman never bullies, belittles nor permits another to do so.

 

:iagree:. I will add that the above attributes are not only admirable in men, but, in women, as well.

[elizabeth]

Absolutely agree. A superb point

[smrtmama]

NOT to start a *problem* - just curious - and interested in responses from both the gals and the guys of the hive!

 

How do you describe a gentleman - what is your definition of a gentleman - what are gentlemanly attributes - what are some practical IRL behaviors of a gentleman?

 

:001_smile:

 

My ideas of gentlemanly behavior are culturally Southern. A gentleman opens doors and helps with packages IF it's wanted, but politely steps back if it isn't. He treats others with respect. He carries himself with decorum.

 

I do expect my children (male or female) to open the door for ladies, especially mothers with young children/infants, and for the elderly. I think it's respectful to open the door for your elders and kind to open the door for a mother with her hands full.

 

I expect my sons to respect women, to not objectify them, to not make sexist remarks, to offer help if a woman appears to want it (though not to force it upon her if she doesn't), to treat women as their equals, not to swear at, yell at, or become physically violent with women, children, or anyone physically smaller/weaker -- a gentleman defends himself as necessary, but isn't an aggressor. I expect them to be polite, use please and thank you, and refer to their elders as "ma'am" and "sir." I expect them to wear clothing that doesn't show their underpants, to take off their hat during the pledge or national anthem, and use proper table manners. I expect for them to speak up for justice, equality, and decency, and against bigotry of all forms (racism, sexist, homophobia, etc.).

 

If they accomplish that, I will feel they have grown up to be gentlemen. My expectations for my daughter are pretty similar, btw.

[tricia]

To me a gentleman is a male who thinks of others before himself. Especially a female. We are very strict in training our boys to protect and watch over their sisters. Out of 12 kids we only have 3 boys but they are very responsible over their sisters. Especially the 5 younger girls. My boys are very good at making sure we have a warm fire in the woodstove during the winter while daddy is at work. I'm very proud of the road my boys are taking and strongly feel like chivalry is almost dead and it is our job to train up another generation on MEN.

[eaglei]

These are such great responses and very well spoken!

Anyone else want to add their thoughts?

Thanks!

[angela in ohio]

Similar thoughts to what have been posted already...

 

A gentleman is a man who protects others; he stands up for those who are abused or bullied, he is the one to go first into a dangerous situation, he takes care of women, children, and the elderly, etc., etc.

 

A gentleman knows how to put others at ease. You know what to expect of him and feel comfortable with him because he has an even temper and good manners.

 

A gentleman feels strongly about his beliefs and can defend them, but only when it is the appropriate time and not in an obnoxious way.

 

A gentleman is well-groomed but not prissy or self-absorbed. He knows when to dress nicely and can do so, but is not above getting dirty to get a job done.

 

A gentleman is well-rounded in culture, education, politics, etc. He knows how to carry on an intelligent conversation with many different people and how to get along in many different settings.

 

My dh is a gentleman. :001_smile: He is a man's man, always willing to do what needs done. He knows right from wrong and will take a stand. He is always willing to put others before himself, and he leads well. He is kind to children, listens to women politely, and cares for the elderly. That's a gentleman to me.

[specialmama]

A gentleman is not afraid to cry, but will try to hold it together in order to be strong for his family. A gentleman will go out of his way to help others, to be of service to others, but never boast about it. A gentleman is humble, but strong in character. He is gentle with his wife and children, but will fight to the death to protect any of them. He knows who he is, he is secure and does not seek attention to stroke his ego. He walks with integrity, will stand up for the underdog, and he has no qualms about rolling up his sleeves to change a baby diaper or scrub the toilets. He'll also buy feminine products and not flinch at all. :D

[Heather in Neverland]

I read a blog post about this topic a few years ago that really stuck with me. I actually saved some of it:

 

"A man works. Like a dog if necessary. Not just at a job, but at home, as well, because if anybody tells you that child-raising isn't work, they've been smoking the drapes. A man gets up in the night with a crying baby, or works a double shift, or makes trip after trip with the moving van. If it takes a lot of coffee, drink it. If you don't do it, it won't get done. Rest when things are finished, not when you're tired.

 

Erma Bombeck once listed off qualities her dad had had, and one of those was that he was always the one who went to the parking lot in the rain to get the car. That's a man. The women and children may stay under the shelter; a man may not. If someone's going to get wet, it should be you.

 

Ditto with disgusting things. Yes, I'm talking about diapers, but I'm also talking about things like stopped plumbing, pet messes, hairballs, and whatever's in that container in the back of the fridge. Clean it up, gag a couple of times if you must, then go wash your hands. God made your skin washable for a reason.

 

Tim the Tool Man notwithstanding, no man is born with a knowledge of gadgets and machinery. You acquire it a bit at a time. If you're lucky enough to have a father who is skilled at those things and available to teach you, great. If you're not (as I wasn't), you'll just have to figure it out. When I was in high school, my dad gave me a beater car, and I had to figure out how it worked. I'm still not a mechanic, but I've learned that a screwdriver and a wrench aren't magic wands. Read a manual if it helps, but if you can't, then take the thing apart and try to figure out which part does what. Never let "I don't know how" be an excuse for not doing something. Do or do not; there is no try.

 

As a man, you are stronger physically than women. You are also bigger than they are and hence intimidating to them, if only on a subconscious level. Never loom over them, never yell at them, never treat them as though they were men. (On the other side of the coin, don't condescend to them either. They're smaller, not dumb.) Bear in mind that you have all the equipment and strength necessary at any moment to overpower and violate a woman. It's therefore vital that you conduct yourself in a way that makes obvious that you not only wouldn't do something like that, but you'd step in front of a bullet or a grizzly bear to keep her safe.

 

Religion is not a female thing. I don't mean that it's supposed to be male-dominated, but it is suppose to be male-led. Look around you at church, and see how many families are there without Dad. Don't let yours be one of them. Make sure your kids see you pray. If you want to raise Godly sons, show them what one looks like.

 

Remember that although not every woman is potentially a wife or girlfriend, all of them are still women. Treat every female with the same respect and care you would show a woman you wanted to marry. Believe me, once you master this, you'll never lack for a date when you want one. Kindness, good humor and gentlemanliness aren't just for a girl you're hitting on. They can see through that a mile away. It's how you treat the ones you're not letching after that they'll notice. If you open doors and carry packages as a matter of habit, word gets around. After that, it doesn't matter if you look like Boris Karloff; you'll still be a hot property. And even if you're not looking for a woman at the time, what the heck? It never hurts to be well-liked.

 

Sometimes what you have to do sucks. That's the way it is. A man has both rights and duties, but when there's a conflict between them, duty always wins. Period. Your rights will be compromised over and over, but your responsibilities must never be. A man does what needs doing and worries about his rights some other time.

 

Don't be a guy. The world is full of guys. Be a man."

[Jean in Newcastle]

I printed this off for ds12 to read, Heather.

[Mothersweets]

Great post, Heather. I'm printing it off, too.

[Lovedtodeath]

Funny, its not one of those things I think much about, yet recognize immediately.

 

Courteous, respectful, thoughtful. IRL behaviours include opening doors, assisting with heavy loads, being concerned with those more vulnerable than himself.

 

My nephew is a great example of a gentleman. When he plays baseball with his cousins he is always encouraging of their strengths. When the family went outside to watch fireworks and I had to stay in with the baby, he stayed with me and kept me company. Thinking of others feelings and acting on that is the definition of gentlemanly behavior.

[Lovedtodeath]

Oh Heather, how I wish my DH had read that before we got married. :crying:

 

That is what we need to teach our sons.

[eaglei]

I'm bumping this again because these responses are so terrific - I'm hoping that still more people will add their thoughts.:001_smile:

[Janet in Toronto]

I love the website and blog The Art of Manliness. They have just published a book that my teen sons will be getting for Christmas.

[Heather in Neverland]

Oh Heather, how I wish my DH had read that before we got married. :crying:

 

That is what we need to teach our sons.

 

I agree. I think I'm going to make my ds memorize it!

[Spy Car]

 

A man has both rights and duties, but when there's a conflict between them, duty always wins. Period. Your rights will be compromised over and over, but your responsibilities must never be. A man does what needs doing and worries about his rights some other time.

 

 

A gentleman never gloats :D

 

Bill

[Rosie_0801]

I remember the first two encounters where I encountered men behaving in a gentlemanly fashion. My goodness. What a shock that was. I was so embarrassed and didn't know how to respond. Shame on my father, eh?

 

The first incident was at a camp with the ethnic guides and scouts when I was about 14. I was in a patrol with a couple of lads a year or two older than I and we were doing a wide game. We had to climb over a fence and they assisted me! I had no idea how to be helped over a fence! In fact, I had to beg them to let me go so I wouldn't fall! That taught me that I had some things to learn...

 

The second was when I was about 20 and met a couple I'd gone to school with. We went to a cafe for a drink and a chat, and he bought my drink. Fortunately I'd learned enough by then to accept graciously, but it was still such a shock. His girlfriend, of course, didn't bat and eyelid. What a lucky girl she is! I was delighted a couple of years ago to see their wedding pics in the paper :)

 

Rosie

[texascamps]

I have found, from living all over the US and in travelling that gentlemen are found in higher numbers where there are higher numbers of pickup trucks.

 

In Texas, you will have your door opened for you, get "Howdy, ma'am" more than you will in say Colorado. You'll even get hat tips and the like.

 

In Texas (for instance, but I think you could insert any southern state and the cowboy states) a flat tire or car problem by a woman will have a man in a pickup stopping in good time. It may even be by a 16 year old boy who says little more than "Let me do that for ya'" Especially expect this treatment in the hinterlands.

 

In Colorado, for instance, there are few pickups and many Subaru Outbacks the official Colorado car. You could die on the side of the road, or faint while nine months pregnant waiting for a seat on the train.

 

Learn how to change a tire there or get AAAor better yet ONstar. You may even learn a few more curses just going through the line at the grocer. (Although, if you go to the hinterlands of CO you will find pick-ups and folks gracious enough to help) But on the corridors, forget it.

 

Texans and you ladies that live in highly pick-up laden states know what I mean.

 

A pickup doesn't mean gentleman.....I'm just pointing that little observance out.

 

On the flipside.....Texas has more roadside XXX theaters than any state I've ever visited or lived in.:)

[Laurie4b]

NOT to start a *problem* - just curious - and interested in responses from both the gals and the guys of the hive!

 

How do you describe a gentleman - what is your definition of a gentleman - what are gentlemanly attributes - what are some practical IRL behaviors of a gentleman?

 

:001_smile:

 

Well, I'll tell you what a gentleman is not. This is one of my pet peeves: when law enforcement arrests some guy (often for a heinous crime) and says, "We arrested the gentleman last night without incident," or some such. Why does LE feel compelled to call criminals gentlemen!

[Lovedtodeath]

I have found, from living all over the US and in travelling that gentlemen are found in higher numbers where there are higher numbers of pickup trucks.

 

In Texas, you will have your door opened for you, get "Howdy, ma'am" more than you will in say Colorado. You'll even get hat tips and the like.

 

In Texas (for instance, but I think you could insert any southern state and the cowboy states) a flat tire or car problem by a woman will have a man in a pickup stopping in good time. It may even be by a 16 year old boy who says little more than "Let me do that for ya'" Especially expect this treatment in the hinterlands.

 

In Colorado, for instance, there are few pickups and many Subaru Outbacks the official Colorado car. You could die on the side of the road, or faint while nine months pregnant waiting for a seat on the train.

 

Learn how to change a tire there or get AAAor better yet ONstar. You may even learn a few more curses just going through the line at the grocer. (Although, if you go to the hinterlands of CO you will find pick-ups and folks gracious enough to help) But on the corridors, forget it.

 

Texans and you ladies that live in highly pick-up laden states know what I mean.

 

A pickup doesn't mean gentleman.....I'm just pointing that little observance out.

 

On the flipside.....Texas has more roadside XXX theaters than any state I've ever visited or lived in.:)

The way a man treats his family is much more important to me than how he displays manners or chivalry with strangers.

[swellmomma]

I tell my boys that opening doors(and holding them for the person), picking up items someone drops, offering to carry heavy loads, and such things are part of being a gentleman.

 

A man who is willing to work hard, and do what needs to be done, without flakiness, complaint, or passing the buck.

 

A man who is polite, well mannered, and courteous.(this one is a bigger work in progress than the above ones right now)

 

A man who looks out for women, children, elderly and the underdog. Who will step in an stop an injustice when he sees it. Not merely talk about it later.

 

 

ETA: Heather I lvoe that post and just printed it off for my son(s) to read.

Edited October 26, 2009 by swellmomma

[pqr]

While the poem defines a man, it also goes a long way to defining a gentleman.

 

IF by R. Kipling

 

IF you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

 

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

 

 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,

if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

 

 

by the way Texascamps....you are spot on.

[Heather in Neverland]

I have found, from living all over the US and in travelling that gentlemen are found in higher numbers where there are higher numbers of pickup trucks.

 

In Texas, you will have your door opened for you, get "Howdy, ma'am" more than you will in say Colorado. You'll even get hat tips and the like.

 

In Texas (for instance, but I think you could insert any southern state and the cowboy states) a flat tire or car problem by a woman will have a man in a pickup stopping in good time. It may even be by a 16 year old boy who says little more than "Let me do that for ya'" Especially expect this treatment in the hinterlands.

 

In Colorado, for instance, there are few pickups and many Subaru Outbacks the official Colorado car. You could die on the side of the road, or faint while nine months pregnant waiting for a seat on the train.

 

Learn how to change a tire there or get AAAor better yet ONstar. You may even learn a few more curses just going through the line at the grocer. (Although, if you go to the hinterlands of CO you will find pick-ups and folks gracious enough to help) But on the corridors, forget it.

 

Texans and you ladies that live in highly pick-up laden states know what I mean.

 

A pickup doesn't mean gentleman.....I'm just pointing that little observance out.

 

On the flipside.....Texas has more roadside XXX theaters than any state I've ever visited or lived in.:)

 

:iagree: I LOVE Texas cowboys!!! :D

[HRAAB]

My husband and my dad; I married a man like my dad. He has integrity, is always honest, works hard, is responsible, plays with and disciplines the children when necessary, takes care of the outdoor work, cars and house repairs, holds the door for me and lets women go first, does the right thing whether it's pleasant or not, uses polite language around ladies as well as in private, stands up for his daughters, and holds high standards for his family.

 

I am biased, but in my mind he's a gentleman.

[Barry Goldwater]

A gentleman never violates a confidential conversation, never engages in gossip, and attempts to 'arrest' any around him that do gossip, with deftness and grace.

 

BTW, DW has never 'finished' changing a tire in Ohio, when she's been driving w/o me...We have some gentlemen here too :).