I need mil advice PLEASE

[MamaT]

My mil is coming on Saturday to stay for a week. It has probably been 20 years since I have spent a week with this woman. Why she wants to come I don't have a clue. We will do school until time to leave for activities every day and I have to stick to a schedule to get everything done with school, along with dinner, laundry, etc. My dh works 12 hour days. It's not like we're going to have free time to entertain her while she's here. She called and asked and my dh said yes. So she's coming.

 

Normally, I spend 3 days in the summer and 3 days around Christmas at her home. I psych myself up before I go and have the mantra ignore/tolerate going through my head the whole time. At the end of the 3 days I have reached my limit and want to pummel her.

 

She is a very nasty spirited person. The only conversation she wants to have is to bad-mouth everyone in the family who happens not to be in the room at the time. I'm sure she does it to me when I'm not around. She also gives me digs in very backhanded ways the whole time I am around her. If she would just come out and say what she means, I could deal with that. She also makes rascist comments from time to time that make me have to leave the room. We did not see my dh's family for two years after we adopted our first daughter because she was "the wrong color." Our youngest daughter is also black. We took our two future daughter-in-laws down this past Christmas and she was so unwelcoming to them that they swear they will never go back.

 

My dc are also not excited about her coming as they have seen/heard enough through the years that they really don't enjoy being around her. My dd's will have to give up their room and sleep somewhere else, probably a couch, for a week.

 

I need to know what to say to her right at the outset to stop the talk about everyone else without being disrespectful or ugly. I can't just ignore everything she says for a week. Do you have something in mind I could say to her when she starts that will let her know I'm not going to listen without starting a war?

 

BTW, she really doesn't bother my dh. He learned to ignore her before he ever met me. He is also the most grace filled person I have ever met. He knows she bothers me and asked me to do this for him. I want to be gracious, but I feel like hyperventilating.

 

I am really dreading this next week and need some way to cope and just get through it. I would love some advice.

[carlychan]

. He knows she bothers me and asked me to do this for him. I want to be gracious, but I feel like hyperventilating.

 

This says it all. YOu just have to do it for your husband, not her. Just play nice unless it is something REALLY horrible. I would not allow her to talk about my kids for instance. Just ignore everything you can. That is really all you can do. You can't change her so don't bother. Good luck. The alternative is some Xanax or other "good" drug:)

[MamaT]

Can you get her out of the house? Send her to the nearest shopping center, bingo parlor or craft shop per her interests. "We are bust today but there is a lovely ___________ just down the highway, here is a map." and then go on your way.

 

I would love to do this, but we live in the country and there is really nowhere to send her. She doesn't drive very much anyway. She would never drive somewhere unfamiliar to her, and I need our car.

[MamaT]

This says it all. YOu just have to do it for your husband, not her. Just play nice unless it is something REALLY horrible. I would not allow her to talk about my kids for instance. Just ignore everything you can. That is really all you can do. You can't change her so don't bother. Good luck. The alternative is some Xanax or other "good" drug:)

 

You're right, of course. Now to research "good" drugs. :001_smile:

[Anne]

Prepare yourself with a list of Subject Changers. Something like the bean dip recipe. :)

 

mil: So & So is a nasty ****

you: Do you think hemlines are going up or down this year?

 

mil: I just hate so & so *****

you: What was dh's cutest trick as a kiddo?

 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

 

The exception here is how to treat nasty comments about your dc. I would talk explicitly with your dh about how he wants you to handle those. Personally, that would be my line in the sand....

 

:grouphug:

Anne

[MamaT]

I like the idea of changing the subject like that. Okay, bean dip technique. I can do that.

 

My greatest fear is that she will say something about my dc or to my dc that is going to cross my line. Dh would not want me to be silent if that were the case. I feel the same way about my ds's wives-to-be. I know they will be targets because they are new. I am not going to allow that either.

 

I think I am just now realizing, as I type this, that I am afraid she will go far enough that it will cause a division like we had when my dd was born. I don't want my dh hurt that way again.

[Remudamom]

1.Keep your video camera with you and point it at her everytime she starts yapping about someone. Tell her it'd make a great youtube video.

 

2. Or take notes and tell her you're writing a "tell all" about your family.

 

3. Call whoever she's bashing up on the phone and say "We were JUST talking about you, here's mil!"

 

4. Have all the children come in and tell them to memorize what dear old granny is saying so they can repeat it.

 

5. Drug the b1tch.

[MamaT]

1.Keep your video camera with you and point it at her everytime she starts yapping about someone. Tell her it'd make a great youtube video.

 

2. Or take notes and tell her you're writing a "tell all" about your family.

 

3. Call whoever she's bashing up on the phone and say "We were JUST talking about you, here's mil!"

 

4. Have all the children come in and tell them to memorize what dear old granny is saying so they can repeat it.

 

5. Drug the b1tch.

 

Remudamom, you are my hero. I am going to pretend I'm you while she's here.

[forevergrace]

Hi Tammy,

I really feel for you, I battled w/my mil for years. She'd even go behind my back and fabricate things to dh. For some reason dh was passive-- aggressive with the whole issue. He'd tell me he would take care of it, but it always seemed to slip by. When she got sick not one of her three daughters, who live in another state would come and help w/her. They just couldn't handle her nasty ways. I guess they also had enough of it while they were younger. I will be thinking of you and sending you prayers of strength.

Forevergrace

[kalanamak]

 

4. Have all the children come in and tell them to memorize what dear old granny is saying so they can repeat it.

 

 

"For a lark" video her. She may be shocked at how she sounds.

[LauraGB]

My greatest fear is that she will say something about my dc or to my dc that is going to cross my line. Dh would not want me to be silent if that were the case. I feel the same way about my ds's wives-to-be. I know they will be targets because they are new. I am not going to allow that either.

 

I think I am just now realizing, as I type this, that I am afraid she will go far enough that it will cause a division like we had when my dd was born. I don't want my dh hurt that way again.

 

Can you just call her before she comes (like now) and lay it on the line for her? She's coming to YOUR home, and she needs to be respectful, period. You're both adults, and you obviously don't want to suffer the fallout with everyone else for her poor taste and juvenile behavior. Start the conversation off with "I'm glad you are coming!" and then quickly lead into how her son's children are beautiful and wonderful, loving children who would enjoy getting to know his mother. And go from there, but be sure to make your point very clear. No messing around with someone who will be staying in your home for an entire week.

[Kathleen in VA]

1.Keep your video camera with you and point it at her everytime she starts yapping about someone. Tell her it'd make a great youtube video.

 

2. Or take notes and tell her you're writing a "tell all" about your family.

 

3. Call whoever she's bashing up on the phone and say "We were JUST talking about you, here's mil!"

 

4. Have all the children come in and tell them to memorize what dear old granny is saying so they can repeat it.

 

5. Drug the b1tch.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

My dh suggested to me that when people say hurtful, judgmental, critical, etc. things in an indirect way that I should just ask, "So, what's your point?" I haven't needed to try this tactic in a long while so I'm not sure I could, but it sounded great.

 

If she does digress into putting down your children I would seriously consider having your dh tell her to quit it or leave. I can understand why you are worried.

 

LauraGB is right, too. You will need to be firm and unyielding. You may even have to be a little patronizing and say, "We go by Thumper's Rule here, if you can't say something nice..." Be sure to say that with a smile and a very pleasant tone of voice.:D

[OrganicAnn]

I like all the PP advice. I would also maybe plan an educational field trip and bring her along for at least one day if you can manage it. I mean if you are visiting an art museum or doing a factory tour, it is harder for her to spout off in public. Also the library is another idea.

 

You'll probably not accomplish a good day of school while she is hovering around the house anyway, so why not plan on some other activities. Even if you have to drive a long way to get there. Put GM in the front seat and turn on the radio so you and the kids can ignore her.

 

Or do a fall yard clean up activity. If everyone is running around outside they can't pay attention to her.

 

Or volunteer with kids at a nursing home and then jokingly say to your MIL "I need to find just the right place for a certain family member. Ha Ha." (evil smile).

[1bassoon]

Ugh, Tammy. That's the pits.

 

How much would Remudamom charge you to come and have a "sleepover" at your house? Or wife swap that week? :D

 

Only kidding. But her ideas are the best, so far.

 

:grouphug:

[Cammie]

Careful...a request to visit out of the blue like that? Sounds like she has something she wants to discuss. Maybe a health issue? You would feel terrible if you started out things by "laying down the law" and she counters with "I have six months to live!" I agree you have the right to change the conversation, not participate in her ugliness, etc...just keep in mind she must have some reason for coming (other than to torment you!)

[Pajama Mama]

I would *try* to remain positive when she makes her little digs.

 

"Your house sure looks messy" "Well, I think people who are obsessively clean make their kids unhealthy. Some germs are good for you."

 

"That roast sure was dry." "We like it that way. If you are offering to cook and clean up tomorrow-please feel free."

 

**I'm sure your house is spotless and your cooking is gourmet. I'm just making up examples:)**

 

If she becomes openly hostile I would warn her that she will have to leave. If she makes mean remarks about your children I wouldn't even give her a warning--I would insist that she leave. You are an adult who can defend yourself. But hurting innocent kids would be unforgivable.

 

Who knows? Maybe she's mellowed out and it will be fine. Miracles do happen.

[justamouse]

I have no advice. *hands you case of wine*

[MamaT]

Thank you all for your replies. I am feeling better. I think I can use the bean dip technique and Kathleen in VA's idea about using Thumper's Rule when she starts tearing apart other family members.

 

I will not allow her to hurt my dc by saying things to them or about them. She will have to leave if she does that. It will hurt my dh, but it will be caused by her and not me. Knowing I cannot control what she says or does takes the pressure off me.

 

If all else fails, I'll go to Remudamom's #5. :001_smile:

[Melissa in FL]

Can you insist your dh take some time off? My MIL comes for a week every year and drives me nuts. I insist dh work short hours on the days he has to go to the office and he takes as much time off as he can. The days he is off I try to make him take her somewhere (mostly with kids in tow) and I get some peace alone. He's learned over the years that I need this of him to stay polite and kindhearted towards his mother. It often means really long weeks before and after the visit for him at work, but it's worth it to all of us. I make sure that he knows MIL is there to really visit him and the kids, not me. I shouldn't have to spend the entire week coming up with entertainment (and that includes just listening), the visit already has me doing extra cleaning, cooking, shopping etc.

HTH

Melissa

[ConnieB]

We have a few relatives that are unpleasant, though I have to say listening to your descriptions maybe mine aren't so bad. :tongue_smilie:

 

However, when they start in on a controversial subject I typically try the bean dip and if that doesn't work, I come right out and say "You know what, we aren't going to see eye to eye on this, so let's talk about blah blah instead". The first time I did that there was dead silence for at least 2 minutes, I kid you not. Total shock. But it worked....what are they are going to do say no, I want to talk about this nastiness, lol. I honestly think that they are just such unhappy people that they don't have any clue how to talk about pleasant things.....ranting on about wrongs from decades ago and gossiping about the shortcomings of everyone else seems to fulfill them. I can't say it makes them happy, because it doesn't do that.....it just seems to make them content. Sad.

 

Would you MIL be that way around "strangers"? If not, then consider inviting some of your best friends over.......I wouldn't do this if she'd be rude even among strangers but my inlaws seem to behave or at least tone down when non-family are around, so I tend to fill my house!

 

Otherwise.....I'd probably leave her to her own devices...."Well MIL dearest it's time for tykes and I to go to this or that, we'll be back around 4pm, lunch is in the fridge for you!". Normally I would consider this rude, but honestly, she's going to have nothing nice to say about you anyway, so why not give her something true to say......the other relatives that she gossips to about you might actually be secretly pleased at your actions.

[Denisemomof4]

You're right, of course. Now to research "good" drugs. :001_smile:

 

Tazo tea makes a FABULOUS tea called Calm Tea. It truly works! I haven't bought it in a long time, hope they still make it. If not, have an entire pot of chamomile tea ready and waiting.

 

Could you say something like, "I'm sorry, but I really don't like to talk about people outside of their presence." Or have you tried just changing the subject to get her to stop talking about people?

:grouphug:

[MamaT]

Would you MIL be that way around "strangers"? If not, then consider inviting some of your best friends over.......I wouldn't do this if she'd be rude even among strangers but my inlaws seem to behave or at least tone down when non-family are around, so I tend to fill my house!

 

 

She would not only be rude in front of strangers, but TO strangers.

 

Denise, I will try to find the tea.

 

Melissa, I also like the idea of having dh stay home some next week. I don't really know if that would be possible, but I'll ask.

[ConnieB]

She would not only be rude in front of strangers, but TO strangers.

 

 

 

Ok, then I agree with #5 from Remudamom.

 

I think if she started in on racist remarks about your children a jury of your peers would consider it justifiable homicide.

[katemary63]

Well, I'll tell you one thing, my MIL WOULD NOT BE COMING unless DH was the one primarily responsible for entertaining her. He said she could come, He gets to take off work...end. of. discussion. But that's just me....

 

The other thing is, life is too short to deal with this kind of hatered. Why spend one second worrying about this horrible woman or letting her inflict her sourness onto your family. I am so over this kind of thing. I would just not let her say one nasty word. If you have to tell her up front, so be it. If you wait till she tries it, fine, but address it immediately, directly and only once. I'm sorry but I think "passing the bean dip" with THIS sort of person is just silly. If she said something nasty about me, my kids or my son's fiances, I'd be packing her stuff for her in a heart beat. Like I said, life's too short. You owe her nothing. You won't chang her. You aren't helping her or yourselves. Why on earth do people subject themselves to this kind of poison?

 

Sorry, but I've been there, done that and I won't ever let another "relative" put my family through that kind of stress or worse. Never again.

[SonshineLearner]

How bout "house rules are...if you say something mean about someone... that means you need a time-out" Kinda with a smile....

 

Carrie:-)

[Denisemomof4]

1.Keep your video camera with you and point it at her everytime she starts yapping about someone. Tell her it'd make a great youtube video.

 

2. Or take notes and tell her you're writing a "tell all" about your family.

 

3. Call whoever she's bashing up on the phone and say "We were JUST talking about you, here's mil!"

 

4. Have all the children come in and tell them to memorize what dear old granny is saying so they can repeat it.

 

5. Drug the b1tch.

 

I vote for #5 ;)

[johnandtinagilbert]

I like the idea of changing the subject like that. Okay, bean dip technique. I can do that.

 

My greatest fear is that she will say something about my dc or to my dc that is going to cross my line. Dh would not want me to be silent if that were the case. I feel the same way about my ds's wives-to-be. I know they will be targets because they are new. I am not going to allow that either.

 

I think I am just now realizing, as I type this, that I am afraid she will go far enough that it will cause a division like we had when my dd was born. I don't want my dh hurt that way again.

:grouphug: Remember who she is and that it will be her words, not yours. You CAN do this for dh. You are a strong woman. I see it here all the time.

 

1.Keep your video camera with you and point it at her everytime she starts yapping about someone. Tell her it'd make a great youtube video.

 

2. Or take notes and tell her you're writing a "tell all" about your family.

 

3. Call whoever she's bashing up on the phone and say "We were JUST talking about you, here's mil!"

 

4. Have all the children come in and tell them to memorize what dear old granny is saying so they can repeat it.

 

5. Drug the b1tch.

You may be my hero too :patriot: I would never put you on the Ignore List :lol:

 

I have no advice. *hands you case of wine*

Indeed...then she can tell everyone what a lush you are!

 

Thank you all for your replies. I am feeling better. I think I can use the bean dip technique and Kathleen in VA's idea about using Thumper's Rule when she starts tearing apart other family members.

 

I will not allow her to hurt my dc by saying things to them or about them. She will have to leave if she does that. It will hurt my dh, but it will be caused by her and not me. Knowing I cannot control what she says or does takes the pressure off me.

 

If all else fails, I'll go to Remudamom's #5. :001_smile:

:grouphug::001_smile: You can do this! If she starts in on the kids...jump her! She's outnumbered big time!

[AprilTN]

My mom doesn't like it when people talk bad about others, and here is what she does. It works, and totally derails the person talking bad about someone.

 

When someone says something bad about someone to my mom, she answers by saying something NICE about the same person. Then, if they say something else bad about the person, she will just say something else nice about them. I guarantee you the bad-mouther will give up. TRY IT!

 

For example...

 

Someone says to my mom, "Betty didn't return my call yesterday. She is terrible about calling me back, I think she thinks she's better than everyone else."

 

My mom would say, "Betty is so generous, did you know that she has been driving her neighbor to physical therapy?"

 

The bad mouther doesn't get it, so she says, "Yeah, that's nice, but did you hear that she and her brothers are fighting over their dad's will? I just can't understand why they don't get over it."

 

My mom calmly says, "Did you know that Betty sent me flowers for my birthday? I thought that was so sweet."

 

SERIOUSLY, the person will give up.

 

You could really have some fun with it. You might actually look forward to talking with her. On second thought.....

[Irene Lynn]

My mother was pretty critical to me, about me, and about others. I tried something that really helped, but I had to do it with true love or it wouldn't have worked. I carefully listened to the negative things she said, then tried to reassure her as quickly and as naturally as I could right afterwards. I was amazed at how I could work in a reassuring word without it seeming preachy or weird. Here was the deal - when someone is nitpicky about someone else, then they also bear that same burden themselves. If my mother said something about the house being a mess, then I tried to reassure her that she was worth so much more than exactly how tidy her house was. That I would never think of her better or worse, because of the state of her house, etc. If she thought someone's behavior was atrocious, it usually wasn't something too crazy, then I would reassure her that there is always hope, even when we blow it, don't you worry, or whatever might fit. I would direct those things right to her heart with love, and you know what? Those comments started to disappear. I remember the first time I spent with her that my dh and I couldn't remember a negative, picky thing she said the whole visit. It was amazing. (It also wasn't a long visit, but it was still the first time.)

 

Once I thought about the amount of junk a person has to be carrying to be so nasty, then I had a little more compassion. Now I will admit, this didn't happen until I completely lost it on my mother one day. I mean I came unglued and stayed far away for at least 2 months with my dh's complete support. This new behavior on my part was part of my own healing. I no longer took any of her comments personally, but rather as way the she revealed her own pain. Once I saw that, she looked pretty sad to me. I wouldn't have traded her life for mine for anything, but if I could help lighten her load by comforting her from my heart (not caused or motivated by manipulation) then I would try.

 

I would challenge you to think through the ugly things that she tends to say to see what they reveal about her (and I don't mean that she is a pain in the neck or a mean, evil spirited women :) ) and her insecurities and come up with some thoughts ahead of time.

 

Is there any skill she could teach you while she is there? If she is busy helping she might be full of herself enough to keep busy talking about the skill or something???

 

I hope that it all goes much better than you might have hoped.

[elfgivas]

we teach our dc, and remind ourselves:

 

take three deep breaths

go to your "peaceful place" in your mind. (this is a place that we practice going in our minds that is full of gentle peace. for me, its swimming with turtles in champagne pond. i can feel the water, hear the bubbles rising from the lava, see the sunlight filtered through the water.... one afternoon with my mil, i "visited" champagne pond 14 times ; ).

 

remember it is about who she is, not about whoever else she is talking about.

 

i also give both moms a subject or two to teach when they're visiting, and they're in their late 70's, early 80s. it helps them feel included, gives them a new appreciation of homeschooling, gives them directed time with their grandchildren one on one (its hard to teach math and do anything else as the same time), .. and then when i ask after lunch if they'd like to teach x,y,z or maybe have a little lie down, they quickly take the nap option. ;) if teaching isn't an option, asking them to read aloud to the dc works well, too.

 

and i ask if there is anything in particular they would like to do while they're here right at the beginning, and then we plan at least one of the things and i tell them when early on. that way, their needs are getting met and they feel like we're focusing on them and that makes us going about a regular school day the rest of the time easier.

 

when all else fails, i realize i'm teaching my children how to treat me when they're older, and i try to think of little kindnesses that are easily given and mean a lot, like tea or coffee in bed in the mornings. that way, they can feel honored and appreciated first thing in the morning.

 

hth - good luck!

ann

[tdeveson]

Definitely go with the Xanax. Either that, or you'll have to strangle her with your dh's intestines. That won't do. Take the Xanax.

[Scarlett]

Careful...a request to visit out of the blue like that? Sounds like she has something she wants to discuss. Maybe a health issue? You would feel terrible if you started out things by "laying down the law" and she counters with "I have six months to live!" I agree you have the right to change the conversation, not participate in her ugliness, etc...just keep in mind she must have some reason for coming (other than to torment you!)

 

This is what I thought too. (says Scarlett who holds the award for worst MIL EVER.)

[tdeveson]

Can you insist your dh take some time off?

 

Yes. He asked you to do it for him, but he works 12 hours a day. In other words, he's foisting her on you. I think, all things considered, that would really tick me off. I'm sure I'd say, "She can come over when you can take time off to entertain her."

[Scarlett]

This is what I thought too. (says Scarlett who holds the award for worst MIL EVER.)

 

Ok, I feel I need to give some actual advice on how to handle nasty MILs since you asked for it.

 

Some of the things I've tried with limited success (read until she learns my new trick and works around it--but with only a week you can probably pull these off)

 

1) Pretend she is a clerk at the grocery store. This is step one. It makes it easier to follow the rest of my suggestions.

 

2) As someone else mentioned have on hand a number of topics to inject that will stop her cold due to their total lack of controversy. Some of my favs

 

My aren't the leaves gorgeous this year!

My aren't the flowers gorgeous this year!

I can't believe how much rain we've had!

I can't believe how hot it has been!

I saw the most beautiful yellow bird in my yard. What do you think it was?

What color is that nail polish? I LOVE it!

 

In other words---totally totally lame bland topics.

 

3).If the above lines don't distract her and she keeps coming back to a topic try this, 'Well, I just don't know what to say about that.' Or, 'You know I just don't know enough about that to even have an opinion.'

 

4) I find that by going to my happy place as someone else mentioned and applying number one (why argue with or be offended by the stupidity of the clerk at the grocery store) I can handle most situations with my MIL. However, if she crosses the line and says something ugly about my FOO or my own child I say, 'Wow. That really hurt my feelings. I'm going to hang up now.' Since she will be there in person I would say, 'Wow. That really hurts me. I need a few minutes to collect myself.' Then excuse yourself to the bathroom or your bedroom and come back with a smiling face (in maybe 10 minutes because you aren't really THAT upset you just want her to SHUT UP!!!!) and a topic in number 3 to discuss.

 

5) Remember the reason you are trying to get along with her. Because when all hell breaks open your dh suffers the most.

 

That is all.

[Amy loves Bud]

You've pretty much described my MIL, except she lives 5 minutes away.

 

When she starts going off on topics I don't want to hear about, I change the subject. If Bud or I were to say we weren't going to listen to fill-in-the-blank, it would lead to a lot of ugliness. And for us, that's just not worth it. Bud stops her on racist remarks or taking the Lord's name in vain. Otherwise we redirect.

 

It's easiest to have a laundry list of topics to bring up at the right time to change the subject from whatever ugliness comes up. Start making your list now, and don't use any of the items up until you need them!

 

Good luck. In the grand scheme of things, one week isn't terribly long. Even though it makes me sweat thinking about it.