Do I have to develop armor to deal with my teens?

[RoughCollie]

In one day, DS1 said the following to me:

 

In reply to my asking if he'd made any friends at his new school (day 2), he informed me that I was being nosy.

 

He volunteered that he thinks my IQ is lower than DH's because I never talk about anything interesting, like history or politics.

 

He gives me speeches about the superiority of men over women. Women are good for being mothers and homemakers, apparently. If women have careers, their bodies produce more testosterone! He even brings hunter-gatherers into the discussion.

 

Where is he getting this stuff?

 

When I said the JROTC had a parents group that DH & I should join since two DC are in JROTC, he and DD begged me not to.

 

Also, he does not want to be seen with me in public.

 

He is 15-1/2 years old. This came on suddenly, just the other day.

 

How should I handle this? My feelings were badly hurt. I do not like being treated like this, either. I'm not doing anything (that I can tell) to treat my DC like babies.

 

I told DH maybe I am too fat, old, and ugly and DS1 is embarrassed. I am 53, need to lose 20 lbs., and my hair is getting gray.

 

Aside from all that, what happened to my son?

 

Thanks for your advice,

RC

[PiCO]

In one day, DS1 said the following to me:

 

In reply to my asking if he'd made any friends at his new school (day 2), he informed me that I was being nosy.

 

He volunteered that he thinks my IQ is lower than DH's because I never talk about anything interesting, like history or politics.

 

He gives me speeches about the superiority of men over women. Women are good for being mothers and homemakers, apparently. If women have careers, their bodies produce more testosterone! He even brings hunter-gatherers into the discussion.

 

Where is he getting this stuff?

 

When I said the JROTC had a parents group that DH & I should join since two DC are in JROTC, he and DD begged me not to.

 

Also, he does not want to be seen with me in public.

 

He is 15-1/2 years old. This came on suddenly, just the other day.

 

How should I handle this? My feelings were badly hurt. I do not like being treated like this, either. I'm not doing anything (that I can tell) to treat my DC like babies.

 

I told DH maybe I am too fat, old, and ugly and DS1 is embarrassed. I am 53, need to lose 20 lbs., and my hair is getting gray.

 

Aside from all that, what happened to my son?

 

Thanks for your advice,

RC

 

Don't take it personally. I know, that's so hard- because your ds is making personal comments!

 

I think you should keep doing the great job you've been doing, answer his questions/statements at face value, inform him that it's your job to embarass him and you will continue to do so until he is 18-20 yrs old As he matures, he will suddenly realize that you are worthwhile after all.

 

This has nothing to do with you, he's just trying to separate from his parents. This behavior is designed to help you be happy when he leaves home.

[angela in ohio]

I would probably not be a good parent in this situation, because all of my responses to him would involve a drawn-out description of the pain it took to bring him into the world. :D

 

I haven't had a 15 yo yet, so I can't give much advice, but I remember being like this with my parents, and I am sorry you are going through this. :grouphug:

[Remudamom]

Snort. That age does that sometimes. When mine do that they are in danger of being without a mom. When the mom services shut down around here they remember quickly that I am vital to their happiness and deserve their respect.

 

If that doesn't work, grab their ear, twist really hard and bring them to their knees. Make them say Uncle. If you have to use a ladder to grab their ears go ahead and use one. All my boys are much bigger than me, ladders are handy.

 

ETA- My boys usually only pull the superior male thing when they are teasing me or their sisters. They know how much the girls and I do for them. I do make sure that in turn I appreciate greatly the things they do for me that I can't do, won't do or don't have time to do. (Mowing the yard, riding a horse out for me, lifting heavy things....)

Edited September 1, 2009 by Remudamom

[Loupelou]

Definitely don't take it personally. If he thinks your 20 lbs. has anything to do with his reputation disabuse him of the assumption immediately. It's more likely it has to do with his birth!:D Next, I would inform him that he doesn't need to be concerned about being seen with you in public because the public won't be seeing him until he can find the humility to treat you with respect. I also would sit down with him, the three of you- dh included, have a heart to heart. Don't make it a yelling match, find out where these feelings and attitudes are coming from. Let him know how his words make you feel. Perhaps he has started hanging out with kids who speak and think this way? Yes, the teenage years are hard, yes, they deal with a lot of emotions and questions. No, you do not have to allow that kind of behavior, and no, you are not a fat, gray, old doormat!:D

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Lovedtodeath]

Yes, yes you do... :grouphug: but it usually doesn't work. Especially when they are 18 and leave. Really leave.:crying:

[Lovedtodeath]

I only read the title. Now that I read the rest, I can tell you that this stuff us typical of my 7 year old, and my 14 year old nephew. The 16 year old is not like this though, and he is the one who gets the least amount of attention. hmmmm....

[Plucky]

My kids have never treated me like that. They have tried to slide into more disrespectful phases. When that happens all the extras stop. It's a huge wake up call when mom can't be bothered to take you where you want to go and everything fun outside the family stops.

[Perry]

My kids have never treated me like that. They have tried to slide into more disrespectful phases. When that happens all the extras stop. It's a huge wake up call when mom can't be bothered to take you where you want to go and everything fun outside the family stops.

 

This is how I handle it too. My oldest has had occasional disrespectful spells. The first time she started acting like this was after we gave her unlimited texting and she went slightly nuts for awhile. We took it away, and things went back to normal. Now all I have to say is if you speak to me in that tone of voice again say goodbye to your toys for a week (meaning the phone, ipod, computer). She snaps right out of it.

[RoughCollie]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I did tell them in no uncertain terms that if they refuse to do what I say, they will spend until the next morning in their bedrooms. They don't have a computer or t.v. in there, and I will take their iPods, so no music either. They can come out to go to the bathroom, and that is all.

 

This was 2 days ago, and so far the kids have complied. I think that is because I told them DH will back me up.

 

Three of my kids are very strong-willed. I'm pretty sure they think they don't need parents any more, except for money. I remember thinking that when I was 14 -- if my parents would give me the money to live on, I could very well manage in my own apartment, thank you.

[Plucky]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I did tell them in no uncertain terms that if they refuse to do what I say, they will spend until the next morning in their bedrooms. They don't have a computer or t.v. in there, and I will take their iPods, so no music either. They can come out to go to the bathroom, and that is all.

 

This was 2 days ago, and so far the kids have complied. I think that is because I told them DH will back me up.

 

Three of my kids are very strong-willed. I'm pretty sure they think they don't need parents any more, except for money. I remember thinking that when I was 14 -- if my parents would give me the money to live on, I could very well manage in my own apartment, thank you.

 

I just noticed you have triplets. Yes, you may need armor. :lol:

[Danestress]

I would simply let him know that while it's natural to feel disdain for some people some of the time, and that it's natural that some kids feel disdain for a parent during their teenage years (and possible forever after) it's extremely unwise to actually express that disdain in action or word. As long as you are feeding him, paying his rent, and providing transportation, he's simply not free to insult you. Period.

 

My adult son didn't go through this too much, but I think some kids just do. Hopefully you and your DH together can take this head on in a way that isn't defensive or emotional but that also lets him know that in the real world, when you insult someone this way as an individual or as part of a group, they are unlikely to let you eat their food, watch their tv, use their computer, etc. Husbands tend not to reward people who insult their wives. Wives tend to not reward people who insult their husbands.

[hornblower]

I'd strongly suggest this DVD course by Dr. Neufeld (author of Hold on to Your Kids).

 

It's called Making Sense of Adolescence. http://www.gordonneufeld.com/videocourses.php

8 hours + handout

 

It's a great resource for parents to watch together.

 

 

 

I have an almost 15yo. I would fall right over if a kid in my home spoke to me or dh like that.

[sadiegirl]

How does your husband feel about your son's behavior and comments? My husband is very much a "male" thinker but he will not stand for disrespect to me or any woman. I think that I would discuss it with your husband...get his reactions. I know that my husband would have a talk with my sons and that would resolve it. He has a way with words!!!

[dangermom]

I think Dad should definitely be having a talk with him about what it means to be a man and how men are expected to respect and treat the women in their lives if they want to be real men. (One definition I really like is that a man uses his strength in the service of others.)

[Mary in VA]

I think Dad should definitely be having a talk with him about what it means to be a man and how men are expected to respect and treat the women in their lives if they want to be real men. (One definition I really like is that a man uses his strength in the service of others.)

:iagree:

 

I'm sorry you're going through this! I know my feelings would be hurt.

 

I'm not a Dr. Phil fan, but one thing I heard him say I really liked and remembered. When one of his sons was disrespectfuly to his wife he had a talk with him. It began with, "Don't EVER speak to my wife like that!" Seemed it was a real eye-opener for his son.

 

HTH,

Mary

[Sunshine State Sue]

Do I have to develop armor to deal with my teens?

I was listening to a book on tape a few weeks ago called Get Out of My Life, but first could you take me and Cheryl to the mall (recommended on the high school board), and I swear he said in there somewhere that you have to protect your self-esteem during these times. You, the parent, has to protect your, the parent's, self-esteem. I was glad to hear that.

[AndyJoy]

I've know two families whose boy reached this level of disrespect for mom at age 15 or 16. What fixed it fairly quickly for them was dad having a very forceful talk declaring, "You will NOT treat MY WOMAN that way."

[Lovedtodeath]

Looks like one needs to have a DH who doesn't join in.:glare:

[Donovans4]

I have been having similar problems with my 14 yr old dd. Some of the things she says are just shocking, I never thought words like that would come out of her mouth. I have done a couple of things that seems to help, at least temporarily. One is that I do tell her when she hurts my feelings with her words or actions. And, the other is that I take away all phone and internet privileges when she isn't kind to her brother, her dad, or me. I have told her that if she can't be kind to us, I can't count on her to be kind to others.

 

LauraD in MN

[Laurie]

In one day, DS1 said the following to me:

 

In reply to my asking if he'd made any friends at his new school (day 2), he informed me that I was being nosy.

 

 

Where is he getting this stuff?

 

 

He is 15-1/2 years old. This came on suddenly, just the other day.

 

RC

 

Maybe it's nothing more than a coincidence but it would be interesting to be a fly on the wall at his new school and see who he's talking to in the cafeteria/during breaks.

 

I have a 15yo ds and FWIW I deal with "attitude" myself...I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with having a dh talk to a ds but I would prefer to skin my own skunks.

[keptwoman]

I agree with the others that your DH needs to speak to him. I can tell you categorically that my DH would not accept my children speaking to me like that, there would be big trouble.

[LaxMom]

I have been having similar problems with my 14 yr old dd. Some of the things she says are just shocking, I never thought words like that would come out of her mouth. I have done a couple of things that seems to help, at least temporarily. One is that I do tell her when she hurts my feelings with her words or actions. And, the other is that I take away all phone and internet privileges when she isn't kind to her brother, her dad, or me. I have told her that if she can't be kind to us, I can't count on her to be kind to others.

 

LauraD in MN

 

Yes, my favorite line from the adolescent years with eldest dd was "You're old, you'll be dead soon". I was 31. :001_huh:

 

And that was exactly the same approach I took. And my husband (her stepfather) got involved.

 

Growing armor is a nice self-protective approach; shock collars are more fun.

[MamaT]

At some point all three of my oldest have said things like you mentioned and just gotten an overall disrespectful attitude. They quickly lost privileges and my dh did have a talk with them. My oldest ds actually told my 16yo that he would knock his block off if he ever heard him talk to his mother that way again. I didn't remind him that he had done the same thing at that age.

 

I'm pretty "armored up" for it at this point, but if it happens more than a time or two then they better start ducking.

[2cents]

I don't think age or looks has anything to do with it. There is no way I would allow my child to speak to me in that manner. It is a 2-way street and I think some tough love might be in order. No respect = No dinner, laundry, car rides, TV, computer...get the idea? Whether you are his/her mother or a complete stranger, they owe you courtesy and respect. You deserve that.:grouphug:

[Lovedtodeath]

 

Yes, my favorite line from the adolescent years with eldest dd was "You're old, you'll be dead soon". I was 31.

My DD has already told me that when she is old enought to move out she won't visit me.:toetap05: When she says this stuff, if I remain calm and tell her that is really mean in a tearful way she will say she is sorry later. (Yes, she has some mental health issues.)