WWYD about a fight involving your SIL

[dancer67]

I posted a while back about a bad situation that happened between my MIL, SIL and myself.

 

Basically, my SIL had a bee in her bonnet about something and corralled everyone in a room and started calling me a backstabber, among other things. She also claims she has some kind of "secret" about me that would be to embarrassing to even repeat.

 

Since that time(in July) we have not spoken.

 

To this day, I have no idea why she called me a backstabber, or what this secret even is.

 

Her two girls are/were VERY close with my kids. That is the sad part about all of this.

 

If I were to send her an email, or letter(I could not call her as she would slam the phone down on me I am sure), asking her WHY she even did this, and what got her in such a tizzy that she felt the need to call me out in front of the whole family. Would this mean, in your opinion, that I am giving her the impression that I want to make amends with her?

 

I did not start this with HER. She started it with ME. It just bugs the you know what out of me, that I have NO idea what her issue is. I have no intention of having a relationship with her. But in a way, it would be nice if we could come to an agreement of at least being cordial because of the kids.

 

But I do not want to make it look like "I" am the one who is buckling first, or care about re-establishing a relationship like we did before.

 

Anytime she has been ticked at me, it has always been "me" who has gone to her first.

 

OMG this sounds like such grade school stuff doesn't it? But I do not know what to do here.

 

Oh, and I probably should mention that she was stalking me here on the computer(not this site) but other sites, and reading what I was saying about the fight we had, and showing it to my MIL. This was AFTER she screamed at me in front of the family(although who knows, she may have been doing it prior)

 

I need help:confused:

[katemary63]

Are you kidding, not one other relative will tell you what this was all about? In my family, it would be all over the place. I would send her a letter politely asking her what the problem is and if you can do anything to fix it. You don't have to actually start up a relationship with her after that. Just try to deal with what ever it is that upset her and get it over with so you all can be cordial "for the kids" as you say.

[WishboneDawn]

I think maybe a short email like, "I understand that I've done something to hurt you but I'm not sure what it is. Please let me know so I can make amends to you. You and your family mean a lot to me and I hate to think I've done something that has damaged our relationship."

 

I think I might take that approach, of taking it all onto myself because a) it's very possible I DID do something that I didn't think was important but that hurt her terribly and b) I don't think she'd listen to any other approach at all.

 

I don't know the family history so I don't know if this is of any use but I think that if you email with any other tone, like demanding to know what she's saying or asking her to stop her actions won't get any worthwhile response. If you're doing this for your neices, definitely swallow your pride and sacrifice to get to the bottom of this. If however you what to do this to get her to stop or have it out with her I wouldn't bother. I doubt it would do anything but escalate it and your best bet is to be the better person when around other family. Don't say anything negative about her and just look puzzled then change subjects if they bring up anything she's said.

[Joanne]

You asked what I would do.

 

I would avoid her at all costs. Unless she got therapy - and even then I'd want her under care for a long time.

 

You can't reason with insanity.

[secular_mom]

I would ask her to have the courtesy to enlighten me as to what the 'issue' is, especially since she announced she has an 'issue' in front of your whole family. I'm not sure why you don't want to have a relationship with her, I'm guessing maybe there's a history of such behavior.

I'd just tell her that I'd like to have a chance to respond to such accusations, and that I'd need to know what the accusations actually are in order to know how to respond.

That doesn't mean she HAS to tell you though.

Is your MIL speaking to you? Does she know what the accusation is?

I would try to make ammends if possible, whether I was in the wrong or not- just for the sake of peace.

I would not subject my family to any type of verbal/other abuse in the name of peacemaking though.

[MistyJ]

I would send her birthday cards and Christmas cards, and invite her to big family events.

 

If you try to "figure out what you did", you are feeding into her strange behavior, which seems to me very controlling. If she valued you, she would explain what you did that upset her.

 

And, most important, pray for her without ceasing.

[kalanamak]

Personally, if it was worth it to me, I'd send her a calm letter stating you are sorry she is so unhappy, but not pleased she dragged everyone into this and hinted you had some terrible secret. I would word it dispassionately. I would tell her I would be more than interested in talking when she was ready to talk, but that you would not appreciate rumor-spreading, and that you don't want her children to be told slanderous things.

 

I would mention the children are close. I would mention how many people will be uncomfortable/affected by this rift, but I wouldn't grovel. I'd call a spade a spade....just not call it a scum-bag, backstabbing, pot-calling-the-kettle-black spade.

 

If you'd like a reviewer of a letter, I volunteer. I'm good at rinsing emotion out of letters. :)

 

If she is not sorry about what she did, or keeps it up. I'd avoid her like the Swine Flu. To the rest of the family, I'd say something like "I'm so sorry you were there, I'm sorry *I* was there. I don't have any idea what got into her and feel helpless about this. I hope she gets some peace over whatever was bothering her." In order to NOT have words get back to her, or to alienate people who are just wishing they could stay the heck out of it, I'd be bland about it. Say little or less. Be fair and calm about what you do say.

 

Good luck. It is hard to be goldened tongued when you feel attacked!

[Rosie_0801]

I'm with Joanne. I'd remember I have more pleasant people to talk to and encourage my kids to email or something to keep in touch. It'd be a shame for their friendship to end, but it wouldn't be important enough to put me in SIL's way.

 

Rosie

[dancer67]

You asked what I would do.

 

I would avoid her at all costs. Unless she got therapy - and even then I'd want her under care for a long time.

 

You can't reason with insanity.

 

She has admitted to me in the past that she is a type "A" personality. What really threw me for a loop is when I found out she was stalking me on my homeschool websites, and printing things out that I said(asking for advice) and showing them to my MIL.

 

I know there was "one" thing I said to my other SIL that she confided(well sort of) in me with. But that was resolved last year! Yet she brought that up right in the middle of the room with all the in-laws.

 

Oh, and yes my husband was there, and he got so mad at her, because he told her to stop, and she wouldn't, he slammed his fist down on the table and told her to shut up. My SIL still would not be quiet(and her husband didn't say a word), so my husband walked out of the room and I followe him. A few minutes later after my husband calmed down, he went back into that room and apologized to her for slamming his fist down, and she got right up in my husbands face and said "What are you going to do now, HIT ME??" Not even an acknowledgment of his apology.

 

I admit, I am a blabbermouth, and can be. But I feel that if I did say something that I shouldn't have, she should have addressed ME alone. The fact comes down to now, that it has been two months, and I feel that maybe it doesn't even matter if I was in the wrong or not. It comes down to the way SHE handled it. THAT was wrong, IMO.

 

And because my MIL stood in that room, and enabled her to do this, that just made her more justified in her actions.

 

If "I" would have gathered up the family in one room and started screaming at one or two family members, my MIL would have told me to stop right then and there. She got away with it. My MIL let her get away with it. And so did her husband.

[Erica in PA]

Okay, I'll take a different approach than the others who've posted. Ultimately, it takes two parties to keep a family feud going. And usually it takes just one humble party to end it. Although there are exceptions, in many cases even a very unreasonable person will put the worst behind them if the person they're upset with comes to them directly, in humility, and with nothing but intentions to reconcile. I would go to your sil (in person if you live anywhere within driving distance), ask her what it initially was that offended her, and tell her that you will do what it takes to make peace with her. Once you have made amends or given explanation for whatever that might have been, you may be able to tell her why what she did (i.e. yelled at you in front of the family) upset you. But I wouldn't do that first-- I'd work out the initial problem before getting into what you didn't like about what she did. As far as stalking you online goes, frankly I think if you're putting out negative information about her publically, even though she may have been in the wrong initially, you shouldn't be surprised that she was upset by that, and told her mother about it. One Bible verse that I try to live by is Romans 12:18: If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. I think there is still a lot you could do to resolve this conflict, and it sounds like it would be best for your family if you gave it a try.

[dancer67]

I would ask her to have the courtesy to enlighten me as to what the 'issue' is, especially since she announced she has an 'issue' in front of your whole family. I'm not sure why you don't want to have a relationship with her, I'm guessing maybe there's a history of such behavior.

I'd just tell her that I'd like to have a chance to respond to such accusations, and that I'd need to know what the accusations actually are in order to know how to respond.

That doesn't mean she HAS to tell you though.

Is your MIL speaking to you? Does she know what the accusation is?

I would try to make ammends if possible, whether I was in the wrong or not- just for the sake of peace.

I would not subject my family to any type of verbal/other abuse in the name of peacemaking though.

 

My MIL is speaking to me, but only because I am allowing it. I sent my MIL a nasty letter. YES, she knows EXACTLY what her daughter, my SIL is ticked off at. My MIL and I called a "truce". But that is all it is. My MIL refuses to speak of that event at all. She feels that people have a right to feel the way they want. Well, sure. I agree with that. People have a right to feel the way they want. But they do not have the right to do what she did. She didn't handle it properly.

 

I can tell you that this happened on a family vacation. It was so bad, that my SIL, another SIL, and my MIL packed up and went home.(My MIL paid for the vacation like she does every year) . Myself, my husband and my kids, along with my other SIL who was screamed at and her husband and kids stayed the last two days. We didn't want to ruin our kids vacation.

 

My SIL and my MIL are very close. And for some reason. my SIL feels like she needs to "take care of me and my other SIL" because both of us grew up without mother figures in our lives.

 

My SIL is full of judgement. So this is probably why I feel as if I cannot continue this relationship with her. My other SIL, who is also my MIL daughter, is also not speaking to me. She told me to never contact her again. Even though I emailed her, and she would not tell me what all of this was about.

 

It kills me that she handled it the way she did. And she even told my husband that she had "secrets about your wife that YOU don't even know about". What??? I have no secrets from my husband.

 

This was all done in one room.

 

My MIL backed her up and said "Apparently there has been alot of backstabbing going on in this family" looking at me, and my other SIL who I am still talking to.

 

I need to air this out with my MIL, because she does not want to talk about it. But our realtionship is strained because it is swept under the rug, and she wants to pretend it never happened.

 

I also don't think my SIL would respond to any email I send her. Which would probably tick me off even more.

 

She really has caused a HUGE division in this family, and I do not even know ifd she realizes it.

[kalanamak]

[quote name=dancer67;1155234

 

She really has caused a HUGE division in this family' date=' and I do not even know ifd she realizes it.[/quote]

 

Oh, she knows, and it probably thrills her down to her toes. It is how some people feel big and strong.

[dancer67]

Okay, I'll take a different approach than the others who've posted. Ultimately, it takes two parties to keep a family feud going. And usually it takes just one humble party to end it. Although there are exceptions, in many cases even a very unreasonable person will put the worst behind them if the person they're upset with comes to them directly, in humility, and with nothing but intentions to reconcile. I would go to your sil (in person if you live anywhere within driving distance), ask her what it initially was that offended her, and tell her that you will do what it takes to make peace with her. Once you have made amends or given explanation for whatever that might have been, you may be able to tell her why what she did (i.e. yelled at you in front of the family) upset you. But I wouldn't do that first-- I'd work out the initial problem before getting into what you didn't like about what she did. As far as stalking you online goes, frankly I think if you're putting out negative information about her publically, even though she may have been in the wrong initially, you shouldn't be surprised that she was upset by that, and told her mother about it. One Bible verse that I try to live by is Romans 12:18: If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. I think there is still a lot you could do to resolve this conflict, and it sounds like it would be best for your family if you gave it a try.

 

 

:iagree:

 

To a point. But she has pulled stuff like this before. And my MIL always, always takes her side. She does live within driving distance of me. But I can guarnatee if I went to her house, she would slam the door in my face, and call the cops. She can be very mean and vindictive.

 

She has been like this her whole life.

 

I know "I" am tired of having to go to her to smooth things over.

 

One time she called here and screamed at me because I would call my MIL on the phone, and she would be on the other line with my SIL, and she would click over and speak to me. My SIL got so mad she called me and screamed "Don't you ever do that again!! YOUR conversation is not any more important then mine."

 

Even though I never asked my MIL to hang up with her. I would just tell my MIL it would take a second, and she would say "On no, that's okay, let me get off the phone with....."

 

 

So I called my SIL back, and apologized to her. And she said "Fine, just don't do it again"

 

Even her siblings know how she can be. And I always stuck up for her.

 

I will admit if I am wrong. But what she did, was wrong.

 

Yes, it takes two to cause a family division, and one person has to come forward to make amends. But I cannot go back to they way things were, and after this, nothing will ever be the same. I would just like to know what I did that was so horrible thatshe felt the need to call me out and embarass me in front of everyone.

 

I was on a message board asking ofr advice, like I am now. And she would follow me around, and print things out. Yes, it is a public board. Like this one, but it just sounds so creepy to me.

 

{{{{Sigh}}}}}}}

 

I just don't know. I guess alot of it is my pride. I was embarrassed. And there are many other things involved that would justify their feelings of me being "weak", if I came forward first.

 

:confused:

 

Thanks for letting me vent. and all the advice. I am listening to all sides and going to pray about it.

[dancer67]

Personally, if it was worth it to me, I'd send her a calm letter stating you are sorry she is so unhappy, but not pleased she dragged everyone into this and hinted you had some terrible secret. I would word it dispassionately. I would tell her I would be more than interested in talking when she was ready to talk, but that you would not appreciate rumor-spreading, and that you don't want her children to be told slanderous things.

 

I would mention the children are close. I would mention how many people will be uncomfortable/affected by this rift, but I wouldn't grovel. I'd call a spade a spade....just not call it a scum-bag, backstabbing, pot-calling-the-kettle-black spade.

 

If you'd like a reviewer of a letter, I volunteer. I'm good at rinsing emotion out of letters. :)

 

If she is not sorry about what she did, or keeps it up. I'd avoid her like the Swine Flu. To the rest of the family, I'd say something like "I'm so sorry you were there, I'm sorry *I* was there. I don't have any idea what got into her and feel helpless about this. I hope she gets some peace over whatever was bothering her." In order to NOT have words get back to her, or to alienate people who are just wishing they could stay the heck out of it, I'd be bland about it. Say little or less. Be fair and calm about what you do say.

 

Good luck. It is hard to be goldened tongued when you feel attacked!

 

 

I might take you up on that offer of reviewing my letter. If I should decide to write one, I will PM you. Thank you:)

[dancer67]

Oh, she knows, and it probably thrills her down to her toes. It is how some people feel big and strong.

 

 

:iagree:

 

But how to knock her down a notch is the question.

[Mom0012]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would be very upset too.

 

Lisa

[kalanamak]

 

But how to knock her down a notch is the question.

 

You may not want to hear this, but I wouldn't.

 

"Let's move on to something more elevating" my mother would say.

[elfgivas]

it sounds to me like you're all done. if your dh decides he wants a relationship, he can work towards one. his mom, his problem.

 

sigh.... i'm sorry you're living through this. my MIL takes all of dh's siblings away on family vacations. not us. initially, this bothered me. now, i'm relieved. we'd just have to say "no" anyways..... health before holiday, always ;)

 

:grouphug:

[Garga]

Ok--I don't know you or your SIL or what exactly happened, but are these all the pieces?

 

According to you, you're a blabbermouth. At some point in the Night of the Yelling, MIL said that "there was a lot of backstabbing going on" and looked pointedly at you and the other SIL. Ok. So, you and 2nd SIL probably gossiped a bit about something. (that's what it sounds like.)

 

Crazy SIL yelled at you and said she knew secrets. Ok--doubtful about the secrets. She was just being mysterious to make herself sound important. We don't know the exact event that set her off, but something you did made her pretty mad.

 

Crazy SIL is crazy and self-centered because she gets upset if someone clicks over with their call waiting. So, maybe the thing you did wasn't really that bad. Who knows?? No one will tell you.

 

Your MIL knows what she's upset about and won't tell you. That frustrates you to NO END.

 

You have no intention of having a relationship with her.

 

But, you would like your kids and her kids to keep being friends.

 

Even though you have no intention of having a relationship with SIL you are desperate to know why she yelled at you. It's been a month and is still bugging you.

 

My Conclusions based on the above:

 

1. You feel a tiny bit of guilt that maybe you did do something. However...

2. SIL should never have yelled at you in front of everyone especially....

3. Without telling you what she was yelling about.

4. You want to know what she was mad about out of curiousity and...

5. to defend yourself.

6. Also, you're mad now and want her to pay for her bad behaviour and you're hoping to have a chance to tell her what a jerk she was (even if it's just by taking on the role of the injured party and telling her how awful she was to yell at you in public.)

 

What I think you should do:

 

Let it go. This is toxic. You've posted twice about this. Do you talk about this with your dh a lot? If so, you need to stop. This is taking up too much time in your life.

 

You need to move on and fill your life with other events to give yourself something else to think/talk about. Start inviting other people over for dinner and do NOT talk about the SIL. This will put other things in your brain in place of this obsession with your SIL.

 

Most important: forgive. As always, not for her sake, but for yours. Are you Christian? Make God part of your forgiveness. Something like, "Jesus, please help me to forgive SIL. When she (fill in the blank--yelled at me in front of everyone, etc) it made me feel (fill in the blank.) I forgive her." Pray something like that each time you need to.

[Guest Katia]

You are upset with her and you are curious. Sorry but curiosity killed the cat. Be the bigger person and walk away. You aren't going to change the family dynamic and trying to give back some of what she dishes out will only serve to make you look bad.

 

Crazy people are going to be crazy. Don't go down to their level. Let. it. go.

 

I agree. You are giving your SIL exactly what she wants by continuing to post on message boards asking for advice. She is LOVing that you are upset and want to find out what you 'did'. You don't need to know because....it just doesn't matter.

 

The only way to 'beat' her....is to not engage. At all. Forget it. Move on. Don't speak to any of them again for any reason.

 

Let dh make any contacts that need to be made. Both MIL and SIL knew exactly what they were doing would impact the larger family and they were 'ok' with it. You need to be 'ok' with it too, and realize that whatever 'family' there was before is no longer.

 

This is not a person you want your kids associating with, nor with her children. Just move on with your life and FORGET her. She is not worth another thought.

[Ferdie]

Ok--I don't know you or your SIL or what exactly happened, but are these all the pieces?

 

According to you, you're a blabbermouth. At some point in the Night of the Yelling, MIL said that "there was a lot of backstabbing going on" and looked pointedly at you and the other SIL. Ok. So, you and 2nd SIL probably gossiped a bit about something. (that's what it sounds like.)

 

Crazy SIL yelled at you and said she knew secrets. Ok--doubtful about the secrets. She was just being mysterious to make herself sound important. We don't know the exact event that set her off, but something you did made her pretty mad.

 

Crazy SIL is crazy and self-centered because she gets upset if someone clicks over with their call waiting. So, maybe the thing you did wasn't really that bad. Who knows?? No one will tell you.

 

Your MIL knows what she's upset about and won't tell you. That frustrates you to NO END.

 

You have no intention of having a relationship with her.

 

But, you would like your kids and her kids to keep being friends.

 

Even though you have no intention of having a relationship with SIL you are desperate to know why she yelled at you. It's been a month and is still bugging you.

 

My Conclusions based on the above:

 

1. You feel a tiny bit of guilt that maybe you did do something. However...

2. SIL should never have yelled at you in front of everyone especially....

3. Without telling you what she was yelling about.

4. You want to know what she was mad about out of curiousity and...

5. to defend yourself.

6. Also, you're mad now and want her to pay for her bad behaviour and you're hoping to have a chance to tell her what a jerk she was (even if it's just by taking on the role of the injured party and telling her how awful she was to yell at you in public.)

 

What I think you should do:

 

Let it go. This is toxic. You've posted twice about this. Do you talk about this with your dh a lot? If so, you need to stop. This is taking up too much time in your life.

 

You need to move on and fill your life with other events to give yourself something else to think/talk about. Start inviting other people over for dinner and do NOT talk about the SIL. This will put other things in your brain in place of this obsession with your SIL.

 

Most important: forgive. As always, not for her sake, but for yours. Are you Christian? Make God part of your forgiveness. Something like, "Jesus, please help me to forgive SIL. When she (fill in the blank--yelled at me in front of everyone, etc) it made me feel (fill in the blank.) I forgive her." Pray something like that each time you need to.

 

:iagree: Garga - you are the voice of reason.

 

I had a similar situation, only not as toxic. It took me 10 years to finally realize that I needed to get out of the way. My dh goes to many family events without me and it is best for everyone. Just because they have a family event doesn't mean I need to attend. It is a win win because I get time to myself and my kids get to see their grandma and cousins. At first it was hard for me to let go of control. My MIL lets my kids watch fluff TV, feeds them junk food and has a weird way of dealing with discipline. But you know what? My kids turned out just fine and they adore their grandma.

 

I am very polite to my MIL and SIL when they call, but I rarely go beyond superficial social talk. I refer all family matters, decision making and event planning to my dh. When they try to drag me into these matters I politely decline and refer them to my dh.

 

I try to see my niece and nephew whenever I can without my MIL or SIL. I take them to lunch, have them over for dinner or meet them in the park afterschool. I try to attend all the events that are important to them, (birthdays, graduation, Christmas). At those events I try to stay busy making sure the elderly relatives have food, helping with food prep/clean up and chatting with my niece and nephew. If my MIL or SIL try to gossip with me I just excuse myself and go help someone.

 

We have been doing this for 15 years and things are so much better. My dh is able to honor his mother and my kids love their relatives.

 

Good luck because I know it isn't easy.

Edited August 23, 2009 by Ferdie

[dancer67]

Ok--I don't know you or your SIL or what exactly happened, but are these all the pieces?

 

According to you, you're a blabbermouth. At some point in the Night of the Yelling, MIL said that "there was a lot of backstabbing going on" and looked pointedly at you and the other SIL. Ok. So, you and 2nd SIL probably gossiped a bit about something. (that's what it sounds like.)-yes)see below)

 

Crazy SIL yelled at you and said she knew secrets. Ok--doubtful about the secrets. She was just being mysterious to make herself sound important. We don't know the exact event that set her off, but something you did made her pretty mad.-yes again

 

Crazy SIL is crazy and self-centered because she gets upset if someone clicks over with their call waiting. So, maybe the thing you did wasn't really that bad. Who knows?? No one will tell you.-the only thing I have gotten out of this, is that my SIL and I spoke before we left for vacation, and set some "ground" rules for all of our children. And the other SIL that I am still speaking to, was not involved in the conversation at the time(since we talked about this on the phone), but was going to be informed of the rules we spoke of before hand or when we arrived on vacation.(Simple rules, such as no other kids allowed in other families apts before 10:00am, no sleepovers, and no falling down drunk in front of the kids if the adults decided to have some fun in the evening) From what I got out of the SIL yelling and screaming, was that I was a "backstabber" because I went and told my SIL #2 about the conversation we had concerning the rules with the kids, and *I* made it out to sound like all the rules were made up by *her*. Even though the rules were brought up by the two of us and discussed. As a matter of fact, three days prior to leaving, my SIL ASKED me if I had spoken to SIL #2 concerning these rules we discussed, and I had said to her no, that I had not had a chance to. So Instead, I told SIL #2 what the discussion was, and she completely agreed. No problem. But, according to my SIL who yelled at me, she called me a "backstabber". At one point the next morning after this happened, my SIL #2 kids were out on the porch at 9:00 am, and BIL and SIL were still laying in bed, and my MIL was on her porch having coffee. She told the kids to come over to her porch to see her. The kids said "No, my mom and dad says we have to stay here on the porch, because it isn't 10:00 yet". My MIL, apparently was furious, and she just walked into the BIL and SIL apt, flung open the bedroom door, and asked my SIL and her own son, WHY her own grandkids could not come over to see her. And my SIL stated "Because we all agreed that all of our kids were to stay in their own apts until after 10:00" and my MIL SCREAMED at her and said "REALLY? so WHO told you THAT?? (and then said my name)". I should also mention, that even after all of us got up and left that room, I went back in there a half hour later and asked her if she would like to come out and speak to me to resolve this and she put her hand up and stated "NOPE, all set thanks" in a snotty voice. My other SIL and I ALSO went in and asked her if she would like us to take her kids down to the beach with us and she siad "NOPE, just go". So her kids were sitting there, while we all went with the rest of the kids, and her poor kids were stuck there missing out, because her mother decided to throw a temper tantrum.

 

Your MIL knows what she's upset about and won't tell you. That frustrates you to NO END. -yes, because I have been in this family since I have been 15 yo. My MIL knew that I had trust issues. After 20 years, I finally let her in and I trusted her, and believed when she told me that she loved me equally to her own flesh and blood. And I feel that when she took my SIL side, enabled her, and I feel she is a hyporcite because if the tables were turned, and *I* had done this(or even my other SIL #2), she would have been furious and would have put a stop to it immediately. I feel betrayed. Not to mention, this issue was between my SIL, myself and SIL #2. She should have NEVER been involved to begin with, yet she made herself involved. KWIM? I guess I feel that since she put herself in the middle of this, I know that I know that I KNOW, if my MIL told my SIL she was wrong in what she did, that relationship would end, and my MIL is not willing to risk that. If my MIL was never in the middle of this, she would be a non-issue.

 

You have no intention of having a relationship with her.-with my SIL? No. I can't. There has been to much damage. Like I said, my MIL and DH and I called a truce, because emotions were high, and everyone was yelling and pointing fingers for about a week after this happened. Now, my MIL refuses to even speak of the event. She says what's done is done, and you can't change it. But when I speak to her, it is like playing "pretend", KWIM? My other SIL, who does not live near me at all, and is not speaking to me either(and I can only guess it is because my SIL told her why she was mad at me, and that SIL just went along with her) told me to never contact her again.

 

But, you would like your kids and her kids to keep being friends.-really, just my youngest daughter and her youngest. They grew up together and were very close, and my dd did not understand why she couldn't speak to her cousin. And it is not because we were not allowing it. They actually blocked my daughter from their daughters FB account, and about 2 weeks later, she was added again. So now they talk a "little" on FB. But neither one understands why they cannot see each other.

 

Even though you have no intention of having a relationship with SIL you are desperate to know why she yelled at you. It's been a month and is still bugging you. -Truthfully, yes.

 

My Conclusions based on the above:

 

1. You feel a tiny bit of guilt that maybe you did do something. However...

2. SIL should never have yelled at you in front of everyone especially....

3. Without telling you what she was yelling about.

4. You want to know what she was mad about out of curiousity and...

5. to defend yourself.

6. Also, you're mad now and want her to pay for her bad behaviour and you're hoping to have a chance to tell her what a jerk she was (even if it's just by taking on the role of the injured party and telling her how awful she was to yell at you in public.)-YES, you are 110% correct.!!

 

What I think you should do:

 

Let it go. This is toxic. You've posted twice about this. Do you talk about this with your dh a lot? If so, you need to stop. This is taking up too much time in your life. -not only with my husband, but I have been in therapy for two years now, and have spoken to my therpapist about it. She feels the same way you do, only she thinks that I do need to tell my MIL how I feel. Especially about being betrayed. And then see if she admits she was wrong. I do not think that will ever happen as my MIL has never, ever admitted she was wrong. But until I get that part off my chest, I cannot keep playing the pretend game with her. My husband cannot stand his sister, so it doesn't matter to him either. Although, he did really like his sisters husband. And he loves his nieces. His mom? He will probably still speak to her, even if I don't?? But he never really spoke to her before, but that was because I talked to my MIL 3-4 times a week. So I would fill him in on anything. My MIL though, is very, very good at trying to talk to her son's about how she doesn't "understand what even happened on vacation, and why nobody is speaking". So, my fear is that this will cause a huge rift in our marriage. He claims no. So I have to believe him.

 

You need to move on and fill your life with other events to give yourself something else to think/talk about. Start inviting other people over for dinner and do NOT talk about the SIL. This will put other things in your brain in place of this obsession with your SIL. -again. What my therapist suggested(are you a Psych major by any chance??..LOL). So I have started doing this. Just recently we became involved in our local homeless shelter, going back to church(that is a whole other issue, we cannot go back to our regular church as MIL and SIL go, and it would not be a good scene) so we changed Churches, and actually, it has worked out fine. Kids are back involved with outside activities. So my focus is starting to shift. I just didn't know if I was doing the *right* thing, by just letting this go. Like you said, it is *toxic*.

 

Most important: forgive. As always, not for her sake, but for yours. Are you Christian? Make God part of your forgiveness. Something like, "Jesus, please help me to forgive SIL. When she (fill in the blank--yelled at me in front of everyone, etc) it made me feel (fill in the blank.) I forgive her." Pray something like that each time you need to.-Yes, I am Christian, and I am trying to bring myself to do that. My goal is to pray hard in Church this week, so this can give me some kind of piece. I also keep coming back to the "I feel like this is all my fault, maybe if I went about this the right way or didn't do that, none of this would have happened" But I don't even know what that is, really. So the division in this family, I also feel responsible for. Does that make sense? Thank you so much for all your help, and for listening to me ramble on. If nothing else, it made me feel so much better just getting it down on "paper"

[dancer67]

To the other posters. THANK YOU.

 

Garga made me see realize that I need to let it go, and pray and forgive. For myself if nothing else.

 

And I agree that engaging with my SIL is just asking for more trouble after reading the responses.

 

But since I *have* been speaking to MIL.(Albeit, in a strained manner). How do I just stop doing that? Going from talking to her about everyday events and politics,(where before we would discuss things going on in the family), to not talking at all?

 

Should I still proceed to tell her how I feel, and let her take the lead with it? Not call her at all anymore? Not answer the phone any longer?

 

How stupid of me to call a truce with her. I should have just stuck to my guns, and just let her go to.:confused:

[Ferdie]

To the other posters. THANK YOU.

 

Garga made me see realize that I need to let it go, and pray and forgive. For myself if nothing else.

 

Actually I think you need to do it for your dh. If he is a Christian then he is commanded to honor his mother. It is going to be much easier for him to honor his mom if you are not fighting with his family.

 

I must of have missed something. Why do you need to cut of communication with your MIL?? She sounds pretty reasonable to me and she is the grandmother of your children and the mother of your dh. If she calls be polite. Ask her about herself - her health, her work, friends and hobbies. Then give her a newsy update on her grandchildren. Keep it cordial and then get off the phone. If she starts to gossip or tries to drag you in to family matters just say you need to go and hang up. If she tries to plan a family event tell her your dh will call her back about that.

Edited August 23, 2009 by Ferdie

[dancer67]

Actually I think you need to do it for your dh. If he is a Christian then he is commanded to honor his mother. It is going to be much easier for him to honor his mom if you are not fighting with his family.

 

I must of have missed something. Why do you need to cut of communication with your MIL?? She sounds pretty reasonable to me and she is the grandmother of your children and the mother of your dh.-she does not call to ask about the kids or my husband. I have always called her. If she does call us, it is because she usually needs a favor or just to ask a question, or to vent about politics. She is not reasonable person at all. A 62 year old woman who screams, hollers, and throws a cup of coffee and her cigarette at my SIL is not a reasonable person. She does not care about my kids, her grandchildren. If she did, she would have never, ever, packed up her stuff,and went home on vacation, and didn't even tell my kids goodbye. She never asks for my kids to go over there, never did when they were younger, I would invirte her to school events, recitals etc. Usually it was no, or if she came she would be rude and yawn through it all. If she calls be polite. Ask her about herself - her health, her work, friends and hobbies. Then give her a newsy update on her grandchildren. Keep it cordial and then get off the phone.-that is what I do now, she has called ONE time in 8 weeks, The other times I have called her. Even prior to the fight, she would call her daughter everyday, I always had to call her, yet she would tell me time and time again, I was her daughter, just like my SIL. We were not treated any differently. I beg to differ on that one now. If she starts to gossip or tries to drag you in to family matters just say you need to go and hang up.-she will not discuss anything about anybody, and she pretends that her involvement in this never happened. She is justified in her actions, and she only thought of herself and her feelings, not of her grandchildrens feelings or what they witnessed. If she tries to plan a family event tell her your dh will call her back about that-she will not be planning any family events because nobody is speaking, and my husband is less then pleased with her because of how she treated me.

[FlockOfSillies]

Sweetie, you married into a family full of nutjobs. Your MIL and my mom are very similar in their "sweeping things under the rug." My mom doesn't like forgiving people because it gives her power to hold a grudge against them and prevent them from making things right.

 

You seem so shocked that your MIL picks her dd, her own flesh and blood, over you in any dispute. You know that she's mean and vindictive, and has been her whole life, but you still want her to "pick you." Why? Why seek the good opinion of a complete whack job?

 

The fact that you've been seeing this in dh's family since you were 15, and yet you still married into it, should be something you explore in therapy.

 

It took me a long time, but I've grown enough of a spine to call out my relatives when they get wiggy. "I don't know why everyone seems so tense." "Um, because you screamed at me on our vacation and went home in a fit." "Blah blah defensiveness change the subject..."

 

If I'd been in the room when your SIL started talking about secrets and backstabbing, I would have looked at her like she had two heads and said, "What in the world is HER problem?" and then walked away (or gone home, if the situation warranted it).

 

Yeah, it's sad for the kids, but once they get old enough, they can have a relationship independent of the extended-family drama.

 

There's an expression on the 'net -- don't feed the trolls. It applies to IRL trolls, too. If you don't feed them the drama they crave, they lose their power over you. Stop playing the game, and eventually they might stop playing it, too. Stop calling your MIL and nagging her to be nice to you and your kids. I repeat: she is a complete whack job. She's not rational. Stop being irrational with her. Start being the rational one and start pointing out everyone else's insanity. If you bring it out into the open, there's nothing for her or your nutjob SIL to hide behind.

[Reya]

Short answer: "She crazy!"

 

Longer answer: As long as she's nuts, you're just going to go thru this over and over again. Be kind. Be polite. Be loving. But for heaven's sake, keep her far enough away that her crazy can't mess up your life too much.

 

Don't let her get to you--ESPECIALLY, if it doesn't, don't let anyone who might tell her know that it gets to you! She'll probably give up if she gets bored and go be nasty to someone who will give her more of a reaction.

 

Don;t try to "smooth things over." That's a reaction. That's an audience. Just be bright, cheerful, and kind, and she'll give up as long as you ignore all her obnoxiousness.

Edited August 23, 2009 by Reya

[Mom0012]

I don't think you need to officially end your "truce" with mother-in-law. Just don't call her if you don't want to. If she calls you once every eight weeks, make light conversation and be done with it. You don't have to have a true relationship with her. Again, if your husband wants to see her, send him with the kids.

 

The only thing I would worry about in all of this is how it is going to effect your relationship with your husband.

 

Lisa

[WishboneDawn]

If your MIL calls be polite and answer her questions but nothing more. Don't inquire about her. Stop phoning her completely. Let your husband do that.

[Elizabeth Conley]

These women are crazy. The missing piece of the puzzle is how are the males of the family dealing with all of this dysfunctionalism?

 

Sometimes the sane members of the family are able to establish "a separate peace." Try to be part of this, if it exists.

 

Work out a strategy for coping together with your husband, based on his life-long experience in dealing with these crazy females. I get a sense that the males may simply "duck and cover" when these nutty broads start shrieking. Maybe you'll have to do the same.

 

Personally, I keep as far away from nutty people as I can, family or not. Play your cards right, and you can get them to shun you. Then you finally can enjoy true peace. (Just kidding!)

 

The PP who described the strategy of letting her spouse and kids go w/o her to family gatherings, being kind to her nieces and nephews, and being kind to the elders of the clan was on the right track. Take part in the good things going on in the family, and assiduously avoid the troubled relationships. If your husband agrees, then this is a great strategy. I do something similar. My husband has one deeply disturbed sibling. She gets very upset when we try to establish a good relationship with her 18 yo son and the 16 yo son who has taken refuge in her ex-husband's household. They're smart boys. They know that whatever she doesn't know won't hurt anyone, while anything she does know she will turn into a weapon. They have learned how to love her while still functioning in a healthy way. Many children with crazy parents develop these skills.

 

Crazy people are a fact of life. Your SIL is your husband's sister. He grew up with her, so he's bound to have some insights. No matter what, make sure that your strategy for coping with the Drama Club is one you've worked out together as a married couple. You are a team, and he's the head of your family. With your husband's help, you can't fail. After all, it's him you work to please, not yourself or these bonzo broads.

[TXMomof4]

I posted a while back about a bad situation that happened between my MIL, SIL and myself.

 

Basically, my SIL had a bee in her bonnet about something and corralled everyone in a room and started calling me a backstabber, among other things. She also claims she has some kind of "secret" about me that would be to embarrassing to even repeat.

 

Since that time(in July) we have not spoken.

 

To this day, I have no idea why she called me a backstabber, or what this secret even is.

 

Her two girls are/were VERY close with my kids. That is the sad part about all of this.

 

If I were to send her an email, or letter(I could not call her as she would slam the phone down on me I am sure), asking her WHY she even did this, and what got her in such a tizzy that she felt the need to call me out in front of the whole family. Would this mean, in your opinion, that I am giving her the impression that I want to make amends with her?

 

I did not start this with HER. She started it with ME. It just bugs the you know what out of me, that I have NO idea what her issue is. I have no intention of having a relationship with her. But in a way, it would be nice if we could come to an agreement of at least being cordial because of the kids.

 

But I do not want to make it look like "I" am the one who is buckling first, or care about re-establishing a relationship like we did before.

 

Anytime she has been ticked at me, it has always been "me" who has gone to her first.

 

OMG this sounds like such grade school stuff doesn't it? But I do not know what to do here.

 

Oh, and I probably should mention that she was stalking me here on the computer(not this site) but other sites, and reading what I was saying about the fight we had, and showing it to my MIL. This was AFTER she screamed at me in front of the family(although who knows, she may have been doing it prior)

 

I need help:confused:

 

I don't agree with Dr. Laura hardly ever, but once she said something that really stuck in my head. Will it cause chaos or calm it? Will it make the situation better. When my BIL and I had an ugly disagreement earlier this year, it was easy for me to keep to myself until he made the first move because I KNEW that anything I said would be misconstrued and used against me. Nothing I said would help. The need to defend myself was pretty high, but I ignored it to maintain a minimum of chaos in the family. However, if I truly believed that it could help, I'd have been there in a heartbeat to try to work things out. Put your pride on the backburner (not being snarky, just speaking from personal experience).

[Harriet Vane]

I've read most of the posts (not quite all).

 

I have a freakishly dysfunctional family on my side, and a wonderfully, lovingly healthy family on dh's side. The differences are startling, and have been eye-opening for me over the years.

 

I have had a lot of practice dealing with crazy family dynamics over my life.

 

Please, stop engaging in the drama. I know it was thrust upon you--I am saying to stop reacting and responding to it. I know (believe me, I know!) it's easier said than done.

 

What you describe in this family is unbelievably immature. Also, what I see in this family are decisions based on power. You will never, ever make headway in this group because this is about power, not love, and not being a family.

 

I would advise you to simply stop engaging, stop responding. No big declarations, no long tortured letters, no long tortured conversations. The only way to deal with a bully is to stop participating. Stop calling MIL--let her call you. Speak superficially only. Yes, it feels stupid. Do it anyway, because she cannot be trusted with your heart. Same with the others. From here on out dh is in charge of maintaining his relationships with his family.

 

I'm so sorry it hurts so badly. :grouphug:

[Haiku]

I have no intention of having a relationship with her. *snip* But I do not want to make it look like "I" am the one who is buckling first, or care about re-establishing a relationship like we did before.

 

 

If this is how you feel, leave it alone. Unless you are genuinely interested in mending the fence, there's not reason to stir things up again.

 

Tara

[ma23peas]

Read through quite a bit...feel I have a pretty good handle on the situation...

 

1. Let it go...do not mention it again....it kind of reminds me of Martha and Mary...I think Jesus was speaking about a whole lot more than just who should be doing what...on events that are taking you away from your ability to serve Him and know Him, then let it go.

 

2. Do NOT mention it ever again, if MIL or SIL try to, tell them you prefer not to participate and be courteous...do NOT go there.

 

3. Time will make it better, my parents went through a rough patch in their marriage, we ALL wanted to be heard and express our 'feelings'...the fact that we never really felt 'heard' was eating at each of us I'm sure. Time is the only thing, if you have feelings, give it to God, let Him put those somewhere, keep your focus on what YOU can do as a parent/wife/relative to live your life according to the word...

 

You have rehashed a great bit of it here, and I bet you the SIL or MIL are reading...so they've heard you...

 

Tara

[bkpan]

I would not let pride have such power that it keeps family members apart. It just isnt worth it. Extended family members that battle dont usually realize how it effects EVERY member of the family in a negative way. Everyone suffers when there is bitterness between family members.

 

If you dont care for your sil, fine. Make amends for your dh, your dc and all of the other family members tainted by the ugliness.

 

Be the bigger person.

 

Kim

[dancer67]

Sweetie, you married into a family full of nutjobs. Your MIL and my mom are very similar in their "sweeping things under the rug." My mom doesn't like forgiving people because it gives her power to hold a grudge against them and prevent them from making things right.

 

You seem so shocked that your MIL picks her dd, her own flesh and blood, over you in any dispute. You know that she's mean and vindictive, and has been her whole life, but you still want her to "pick you." Why? Why seek the good opinion of a complete whack job?

 

The fact that you've been seeing this in dh's family since you were 15, and yet you still married into it, should be something you explore in therapy.

 

It took me a long time, but I've grown enough of a spine to call out my relatives when they get wiggy. "I don't know why everyone seems so tense." "Um, because you screamed at me on our vacation and went home in a fit." "Blah blah defensiveness change the subject..."

 

If I'd been in the room when your SIL started talking about secrets and backstabbing, I would have looked at her like she had two heads and said, "What in the world is HER problem?" and then walked away (or gone home, if the situation warranted it).

 

Yeah, it's sad for the kids, but once they get old enough, they can have a relationship independent of the extended-family drama.

 

There's an expression on the 'net -- don't feed the trolls. It applies to IRL trolls, too. If you don't feed them the drama they crave, they lose their power over you. Stop playing the game, and eventually they might stop playing it, too. Stop calling your MIL and nagging her to be nice to you and your kids. I repeat: she is a complete whack job. She's not rational. Stop being irrational with her. Start being the rational one and start pointing out everyone else's insanity. If you bring it out into the open, there's nothing for her or your nutjob SIL to hide behind.

 

:iagree:

 

and FWIW, they think "I" am the nutjob...what a hoot. I am only crazy because they have made me this way...............ugggghhhhh.

[dancer67]

In reading the rest of the posts, it seems like the advice is to just let it go. Do not engage in any of this if my MIL calls. Even if she calls once every 8 weeks or so, just be polite and short. So that is what I will do. I will not rehash this with her. It is not going to make any difference.

 

Someone asked about the Males in this family, Both my husband, and his brother know exactly how my MIL can be. As far as them taking the kids to MIL house without me, or my BIL going alone with the kids withoug my SIL, will never happen.

 

Not that they wouldn't do that. It is because they can't. My MIL would grill them, and grill them, and ask how come we are not there(me and my SIL), and it would cause a whole other family feud again.

 

See, my MIL cannot do things "part way" with the family. It is either everyone, or no-one. For instance, even if she was NOT speaking to her daughter(and that has happpened) and her husband went alone and brought the kids, it would cause more damage. She then plays the martyr. "Oh I am such a terrible person, that my own(daughter, DIL, SIL etc) will not even come. And drag the husbands into it.

 

No. I don't want or need acceptance from my MIL. I thought I did. I didn't have a mother figure growing up. So MIL was there for me.

 

But looking back, all I was doing was seeking acceptance. From both her and the SIL.

 

And addressing the poster who mentioned just getting up and walking out of the room when SIL started screaming. I think myself, and the rest of the family was so stunned by her behavior, I don't think any of us knew what to do at that point. After about 5 minutes or so, is when we all left.

 

If they are reading here, then you are right that I am feeding the trolls.

 

So I am going to stop posting about this now, drop it, let it go, and go on with my life.

 

I am not the crazy one, they are.

 

THANK YOU