If your child had social anxiety , would you still homeschool?

[Euromom]

Or would you send him to school?

 

Looking for advice please !

 

My 4 year old son has social anxiety . He doesn't talk more than one word sentence in public , but he talks almost normal at home with parents &siblings. He has very little speech delay at home . He might be a little in the autism spectrum , although the specialist said he is not .

 

At church or preschool , he never talks or plays with anyone , but he likes to watch the children. It seems he is interested in children but afraid to play with them. At home , he plays with siblings.

Last year he went to a special pre-K 3 times /week for 6 hours/day. He is supposed to go again on Monday but my husband thinks he would do better if we keep him home. He argues that he doesn't need to be social at this age and at home he will mature better and will be ok by 16 . He also thinks that my son will be stressed too much at school and that will affect his life (brain ) forever .

 

I am reluctant to keep him home. If he is not exposed to the children , how is he going to learn to be around them and people in general ? If I keep him home , I don't have much opportunity to bring him to be around kids other than church. I have 4 kids under 6 , including an infant so it is very hard for me to go out. Anyway , he wouldn't participate in anything at a HS Co-op so why should I pay for any classes?

 

He is doing very well academically and he even started to read since I was HS him this summer . There is not doubt that HS is best academically (even when you have 4 kids under 6 including a newborn ! ) but what about the social aspect ???

 

What would you do in this situation and why ?

[MamaReads]

I am not an expert, but I would definitely still homeschool. Your son is getting lots of social interaction with 3 other siblings in a safe, non threatening way. Keeping him home and giving him a solid foundation will help to foster the trust he needs to branch out when he gets comfortable.

 

In the end you need to decide what is best for you, this is just my .02.

 

Jesi

[Pamela H in Texas]

absolutely.

 

When he's ready, he'll do better. You'll continue giving him skills and tools to use, he'll mature, he'll have more experience, and it'll be fine.

 

I want to share also that it can be really problematic to push also. It could have issues academically, but especially emotionally/mentally. I'm afraid of how much to share, but in our case, it was disasterous, almost fatal. The teacher was really nice and my son even made a friend. But that doesn't change that he wasn't ready. 8 years later, my son is just fine. We should have skipped the 8 weeks of public school.

 

This isn't to say that your son would have the same situation happen. I would hope not. But school is not necessary and could be a problem.

[Hsmomto4]

I would still homeschool.

[phathui5]

I would keep him home, do whatever therapy he needs and set up playdates with smaller groups of children.

[KS_]

I would homeschool. My ds was much like your son at 4, and because of experiences I had as an extremely shy child, I didn't push my ds in social situations where he was uncomfortable. I didn't push him to talk to people he didn't want to, or leave him alone in social groups (for example, dh or I stayed with him in AWANAS when he was younger). We tried not to do things that would make him feel even more self-conscious about his shyness. I was pushed as a child and put in daycare and left with people I didn't know (daycare providers) and I still remember how much I hated it. The more my parents tried to push me out of my shell, the more I felt I didn't measure up.

 

Fast forward to now - ds is 10 1/2 and he is quite self-confident and feels good about that self-confidence. We haven't gone out of our way to expose him to other kids or groups of kids, and he only has his sister at home. Being able to venture out socially at his own pace has really been good for him.

[Evergreen State Sue]

I would ask yourself these questions:

 

1. Where is the best place for my son to learn? If he will have anxiety around the other children by sending him to a school, then keeping him at home to learn might be best for him now. As he learns to read and write and do math problems, that might give him confidence and help him socially.

 

2. Where is the best place for my son to learn social skills? I think you should find an interest he has in sports or crafts or a playgroup or with one of your church friends and start slowly with you being there for security. If you send him to school to learn social skills and you are not there, to me it would be like sending him to the wolves and a target for bullies.

[dragons in the flower bed]

If he is not exposed to the children , how is he going to learn to be around them and people in general ?

 

He'll learn this by becoming secure in himself.

 

If he is so stressed out that he can't mutter a word, he's too stressed to learn. If he doesn't learn, he'll think of himself as stupid. If he thinks of himself poorly, he's not secure in himself. And if he doesn't get secure, he won't overcome his social anxiety. Sending him to school could be the worst thing you could do for him.

 

As well as letting him learn in an environment where learning is possible for him, consider getting him professionally evaluated. SAD stinks and it can ruin a childhood.

[Heather in VA]

My 10 year old has social anxiety disorder and has mild selective mutism. We still homeschool and frankly if I had not already been homeschooling her older sister when it was time for her to go to school, I probably would have decided to homeschool just her. She needs to be able to learn without anxiety. She is extremely bright but would just have ended up in a corner somewhere doing well enough to get by because she's bright but not really being everything she could be because it would be likely that the teacher wouldn't even know she was there.

 

She has other places to work on her anxiety issues. She is a competitive gymnast where she has to speak with coaches and she does church activities. She's known as a very shy child and takes a long time to be comfortable with someone new but it's ok.

 

Heather

[songbirdie]

My son would not speak a single word at church, play groups, etc. when he was 4 and even older. He was perfectly social at home, and when playing at his cousin's houses, and even at his friend's house accross the street. But somewhere around age 8 he began to speak to people in social situations on a limited basis. He is now 10, and plays READILY and EXCITEDLY with children in our homeschool group, at church, etc. I've even noticed him in conversation with adults at these places as well. I think your husband is right: when they mature, they become more social. Our society is so public-school oriented that we think all children have to interact and converse with lots of children and with other adults by age 5, but I really don't think that is natural for MANY children. It probably is for some very extroverted personalities, but that certainly doesn't include all children.

[tdeveson]

Sending your little one to school with a social anxiety problem that has not been resolved would be a mistake IMHO. For one thing, how is he going to learn if he's anxious and uncomfortable?

 

The social anxiety issue has to be addressed by a professional. Until that's resolved, your home is the best place for him to do any actual learning.

 

Sending him to school is not going to help him with the anxiety. It will make it worse. Good grief, you can send a regular kid with no anxieties to school and within six months they can be a basket case.

 

Keep your little guy home where he is safe, teach him yourself. You'll never regret it.

[Ellie]

Your ds has been "exposed" to people for 4 years and is still shy.

 

I'd still homeschool.

 

I would probably consider what I could do at home, such as practicing what to say when meeting others. And once in awhile, especially with older dc, not talking can be not only habit but a discipline issue. I'm not saying that's your ds's problem at all; just pointing out future issues.

[songbirdie]

The social anxiety issue has to be addressed by a professional.

 

I can honestly say my son (I posted about him above) never had any "professional" help, and I've actually watched numerous children with social anxiety over the years. They have all grown-up and matured in loving families who gave them opportunities to have "safe" social experiences and discussed friendship, interaction, etc. with them as they grew and never needed professional help. In my opinion, as a mother and as a classroom music teacher with a great deal of experience in the education field, this kind of social anxiety that you described is usually related to personality and really isn't something broken that needs fixing by a professional. It's not even abnormal. I'd say that out of the hundreds of children I've watched grow-up through my classroom in the music school, 1/3 have been like this. They start my class at age 4 and graduate at age 9. At 4 when they begin, around 1/3 of them are non-verbal in the classroom for the first several months. It gradually improves with time, and without professional help. And by age 9 when they graduate, I estimate close to 1/2 of that original 1/3 are still less verbal than the others. There's nothing wrong with them, they're just a little "quiet".

[LizzyBee]

My 13 yo has a bit of social anxiety, not too severe though. When I asked about sending her back to school for 8th grade, the EdPsych who evaluated her for other issues last year didn't even hesitate when she said no, she's not ready. She wants us to teach dd coping strategies and resolve the issues *before* dd returns to school.

 

This dd went to ps for K and she had to sit in the time-out chair almost every day, not because she did something bad, but to get her emotions under control. I wish I'd realized sooner how often she was crying in class, because I probably would have pulled her out of school immediately.

 

All that to say - I would definitely homeschool in your situation.

Edited August 19, 2009 by LizzyBee

[SilverMoon]

Yes ma'am. One of mine was similar when she was around that age. Her older brother was already homeschooling ahead of her. I believe our reaction when she started kinder (at home) was something like, "Oh thank HEAVENS she's at home. Can you really see her learning anything in school??" ;)

[Heather in VA]

I can honestly say my son (I posted about him above) never had any "professional" help, and I've actually watched numerous children with social anxiety over the years. They have all grown-up and matured in loving families who gave them opportunities to have "safe" social experiences and discussed friendship, interaction, etc. with them as they grew and never needed professional help. In my opinion, as a mother and as a classroom music teacher with a great deal of experience in the education field, this kind of social anxiety that you described is usually related to personality and really isn't something broken that needs fixing by a professional. It's not even abnormal. I'd say that out of the hundreds of children I've watched grow-up through my classroom in the music school, 1/3 have been like this. They start my class at age 4 and graduate at age 9. At 4 when they begin, around 1/3 of them are non-verbal in the classroom for the first several months. It gradually improves with time, and without professional help. And by age 9 when they graduate, I estimate close to 1/2 of that original 1/3 are still less verbal than the others. There's nothing wrong with them, they're just a little "quiet".

 

Actually what you are describing is not social anxiety. Many kids are shy, significantly less verbal than others, prefer to be in small groups or one -on-one etc. But none of that is social anxiety. Social anxiety is actual stress - often physical panic attacks, physical inability to speak when addressed, constant worry about saying the wrong thing (so they don't speak at all). These children often rehearse what they are going to say in situations, avoid answering telephones, avoid unplanned communication etc. They often experience anxiety that can make it hard to breathe or start to shake. None of that is "normal" or just part of getting older. The majority of the time it does need professional help and can often be accompanied by other anxiety disorders - OCD, selective mutism etc.

 

Heather

[Euromom]

I agree with Heather . My son seems to have more than a simple shyness. He trembles and is about to cry when left alone at school or church kids class .

 

I appreciate all answers --you all gave me a lot to think about !!!

[3Rivers]

I haven't read the responses, so my comments are about the OP.

We had a similar situation and found that DD experienced regression in public school and has gradually unfolded and grown by leaps and bounds through homeschooling. She was NOT thriving in public school and any problem she had socially or otherwise was exacerbated. That is not to say that public schools are of the devil or that no child could flourish there. I'm just saying that my child had issues similar to your child's based on your description and she is thriving, has friends now and is starting to branch out more. I'm thrilled with her progress through homeschooling.

[Moni]

would you send him to school?

 

Why would I send a student with social anxiety into a situation that will exacerbate the condition :001_huh:

 

No, I'd homeschool.

:seeya:

[Brindee]

I agree with Heather . My son seems to have more than a simple shyness. He trembles and is about to cry when left alone at school or church kids class .

I know a LOT of 4yo's that do that! Could it have to do, maybe also, with separation anxiety? My dd did exactly what you described above most of the time when we left her when she was that age. We didn't leave her often, but when we did, she really didn't like it much. Once she became more comfortable with the place/people she was usually okay though. Most of the time we stayed with her.

 

You said he went to preschool last year. How'd he do there? If he didn't do well, then that may be your answer. Schooling doesn't work for him right now, so I'd keep him home! Kids in school can be mean. If they pick on on him being unsure, or uncomfortable, they may just hone in on that and tease and bully him. That'd be WAY worse than having him home in a loving, caring environment where he can grow and learn with people who love him the most in the world! Siblings are GREAT teachers of how to get along with others! Friends come and go, but family is forever! With the family all together, you tend to strengthen family bonds, which, imho, is more important than having friends outside of the family.

 

Also, remember that it used to be the NORM for kids to grow up with and school with family! It's only in the last 100-150 years that ps has gotten people to think their kids need to be in ps to socialize! Abe Lincoln and MANY others were homeschooled and grew up with their families because there was no other choice! I still say, family cohesiveness is most important, and it DOES prepare them for social experiences when they are ready for it! :001_smile:

[swellmomma]

Yup, In fact I do. One of my ds's Dx is anxiety disorder. He really struggles with it, but I have found homeschooling to actually help him. I am there to guide him when his anxiety is flaring up, especially in social situations. In the past in ps he really struggled because he couldn't cope and then the kids would tease him making it way worse. Homeschooling does not mean secluding him from others, he still is with other kids often, I jsut happen to be with him when he is with other kids to help him if he needs it. Now at almost 11 he has grown by leaps and bounds and can approach other kids to play, makes friends on his own etc.

 

When he was in ps his social skills actually got worse because the teacher can not step in everytime he needed help and unlike other kids who can pick up social ques through exposure he couldn't. This led to the kids calling him wierd, teasing etc, and made him m,ore anxious and on the cycle went. We have completed 3 years of homeschooling and it has taken this long to overcome all of that and help him grow.

[SkateLeft]

My youngest son has severe anxiety as a side effect of another condition. He's been on medication for the past year as a result. While he attended special education preschool last year (and probably will also this year), I fully plan on homeschooling him when the time comes, because homeschooling will allow him to develop the skills and confidence he needs at his own pace.

 

My older three have all been homeschooled from the start, and they are very comfortable in their own skins. My younger daughter had some social anxiety as a preschooler, and nearly always played alone. Now, she's the most outgoing of all my kids! For some kids, developing the confidence to approach other people takes a little longer, while some people are just naturally introverted. :)

[Carol in Cal.]

...I might spend a year with him in a Parent Participation coop preschool first. I would look for one that I could attend with him every day if we were so inclined, and one that was very developmental--lots of choices for the kids to make, no academic curriculum but an academically enriched environment.

 

That way he would be able to see other children interact with each other in an environment that engages him and doesn't stress him out in other ways.

 

After that I would homeschool. It's the best learning environment for him.

[MamaSheep]

I agree that actual, diagnosable social anxiety is not the same thing as normal preschooler separation anxiety, or even extreme shyness. Normal anxiety is apprehension and worry, but anxiety from a clinical standpoint is an actual physical reaction. An alarm in the mid brain goes off and kicks off a whole chain of chemical and physical reactions that are not present with normal "anxiousness". It's an extreme fight, flight, or freeze response, and EVERY part of the brain and body is focused in on finding and dealing with the danger--except that it's a false alarm, and there is no danger, but your whole being is telling you there is, and just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there, and you can't think rationally about it because your brain is in primitive mode. It's fairly complex and certainly more than shyness.

 

My son has a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety disorder in addition to Asperger's. For him, social situations are definitely a core aspect of his anxiety issues, but they're not the sum total of it, as there's quite a broad range of triggers (much less than before, though, yay for progress!) so the diagnosis is correspondingly broad. He's on anxiety meds, and that helps him a lot with staying in control. Before his anxiety disorder was diagnosed a lot of the people who worked with him (including us, really) kind of assumed his anxiety issues were just part of his AS. But after a while it became apparent that there was something more going on there. He's gotten SOOO much better since we started addressing the anxiety as a separate issue. So that's the angle I'm coming from with my comments.

 

My main thought is that you have to decide what you think is best for your son and do that. Nobody knows him as well as you do, not even if they're "experts". Including me.

 

I will say that we sent our son to school for the reasons you are wondering about. He was academically way ahead of the other kids in Kindergarten (pushing 3rd grade + level in almost everything) just due to natural curiosity. I had answered his questions and helped him find reading material on the things he was interested in, but we definitely weren't "pushing" him. Socially, he was really lagging due to his AS, and he was very anxious (about everything really at that point...sigh) and we hoped that having a few years at school just to focus on the social stuff would help him catch up some before he had to also be able to process academic stuff. One person at the school suggested moving him ahead a grade or two, but he was already behind socially and moving him ahead would only make him moreso. The school psychologist and the district autism team agreed that a general ed classroom on grade level was the very best placement for him. He had a one-on-one technician who could be right there with him to help him through the rough patches, and he also had time out of the classroom with occupational and physical therapists, and additional time with the school psychologist and the speech pathologist working just on social skills and conversation skills and whatnot. It "seemed" like a good idea. But I have to tell you, it made his anxiety issues progressively worse and worse, bigger and scarier. By the end of third grade he was an absolute basket case with all sorts of bizarre anxiety induced behaviors and had begun saying things like, "I wish I was never born" and "I would be better off if I were just dead". He hadn't gotten to the point of saying he would take steps to make himself that way (at least not aloud) but I was very much alarmed. He was already on anxiety meds then, and had regular sessions with the school psychologist, and had all sorts of modifications and accommodations at school that were supposed to help, but it was obviously NOT getting better and was clearly only escalating. Homeschool was our last resort with him because we weren't sure what else to do, but we couldn't keep doing what we were doing and hoping for some different kind of result. Socially he had really not made the progress we had hoped for, despite the counselling and coaching and one-on-one help. He had no friends, he didn't WANT to be around other people, ESPECIALLY kids his own age, and had some real behavior problems. I was scared to take this kid on all by myself at home when the trained professionals at school couldn't seem to help, and I was concerned (as were said trained professionals) that keeping him at home would only validate his fears and increase his social problems. But I just could NOT keep doing that to him. It hurt me too. So we took him out of school.

 

The first little while at home wasn't significantly better, but it was also not worse. Over time his anxiety symptoms have gradually diminished, and a little at a time we have been able to help him work through a lot. He is now fine in most social situations, and will happily and without any hesitation order his own food at a restaurant (even if I'm not standing at the fast food counter with him), ask for help from a store employee, ask for directions from a casual bystander at the zoo, etc. He still has some anxiousness around crowds, especially crowds of children, but he is working through a lot of that too. He has friends, and he invites them over to play, making and taking the phone calls himself (this was a big thing), and is friendly and outgoing with other kids in small, non-threatening groups. He is also more relaxed and happy, and it's SO good to hear him laughing and joking around because there were a couple of years there when I honestly don't think he ever did. So mentally he's much healthier being homeschooled, and SOCIALLY he's made a LOT more progress in homeschool than he ever did in 4 years of being in a classroom, even with all the stops pulled out for support. I would think it would be even better if he wasn't also dealing with Asperger's, but what're ya gonna do?

 

I can't tell you what would be best for YOUR son, but I can tell you that for OUR son, who has a diagnosed anxiety disorder, not just an unusually high level of shyness, school was an absolute, bona fide, genuine disaster, and home schooling was absolutely the best thing in the world we have EVER done for him, hands down. Of course there are still people who think he would have made even MORE progress in school, but honestly, that's because they were not living it, and they really don't know how much of a difference, and in how many areas, it has really made.

 

I do think that if you homeschool it would be good for your son if you made an effort for him to participate in some kind of social activities, and work through his anxieties, but siblings are good for some of that, and neighborhood friends, church experiences, trips to the store, and so forth also "count". It doesn't have to be a homeschool co-op, just invite friends over for dinner now and then and that sort of thing. Talk to him about what to expect, and what is expected of him. But yes, I would ABSOLUTELY homeschool a child with social anxiety. It has SO been a good thing for our son, and our whole family by extension. I can't even tell you.

[MamaSheep]

P.S. I've just recently begun reading this book, and so far I love what I'm reading and think it will be a really good tool in working with my son on his anxiety issues. I'm not very far into it, and it could still turn into a dud, but so far I'm liking it a lot, and it might be something you'd find helpful too.

[katilac]

I have two questions:

 

How did he do in the pre-school last year? Did he like it even if he didn't talk or play much, did he hate it, did he want to go most days, did he cry to stay home?

 

and

 

What is 'special' about the pre-school? Is it providing actual therapy or services? Does your son have a dx, like developmental delay, language disorder, etc?

 

I ask because I would be far more inclined to send him if he is receiving services there (and doesn't hate the thought of going). If your son is attending because of a language disorder or such, just keep in mind that they are providing a very expensive service, one not generally offered to kids who are just shy, or even socially anxious.

 

If your son is simply shy, then no, I don't think he 'needs' pre-school - it sounds like you have a pre-school going on at home, with 4 kids under 6! But if your son doesn't mind going, and it isn't a major hardship to get him there, I'd certainly consider sending him (doubly so if they are providing services).

 

edited because I wanted to add that I'm biased, b/c my nephew went to a preschool that provided services, and the results were fantastic. Your description of your son reminded me of him a bit, the watching other kids and not playing in particular. It was always, always, the other four cousins playing and him on the side watching (not upset, not interested).

 

When your son plays with his sibs, 'how' does he play? does he engage in organized pretend play, or is it always things that require little interaction, like throwing a ball, snapping legos together, wrestling, etc? is he just kind of caught up in the whirlwind of siblings, *g*, or can you see active, sustained interaction?

Edited August 20, 2009 by katilac

[gardening momma]

I had a friend (lost touch, haven't seen in several years) who I believe had social anxiety. Going to (private) school didn't help her.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Absolutely. I agree with previous posters that it doesn't make sense to force a child with anxiety issues into situations that will exacerbate the problem. Plus, he is only 4. Back in my day, 4 year olds didn't go to school. Most people didn't have to worry about that separation anxiety until kindergarten.

 

The best way to help a child like this to learn social skills is in small groups and one-on-one. Set the child up for success. My two boys, now 15 and 13, were very awkward in groups. They are still very shy (except around us and a few others that they know well.) I learned to arrange playdates. I started small groups of other homeschooled kids so that we could learn social skills in a more controlled setting. I roll played and coached. There is no overnight remedy and school is definitely not the answer.

 

Look for some books on helping your child make friends. I know I received several recommendations here. I hope some people will chime in on this. One other thing ... please don't let your child sense disapproval or shame on your part for something he can't help. This will definitely undermine his confidence.

[Guest janainaz]

He's so young, labeling him with social anxiety may be jumping the gun a little. Some kids are total extroverts and some are more introverted. He's only 4 - he's so little still.

 

I think the very best thing you can do is to nurture your relationship with him. Kids that feel loved at home and have good, healthy relationships there first - I think - are more likely to do better socially. Your relationship with him comes first and if you try and push him into being social, you could make his shyness worse. Just love him, let him be him, and learn to be comfortable in his own skin. He'll feel your anxiety and worry. It's hard not to go down that road when you love your kids so much, but don't let that facade about socialization keep you up at night.

 

My kids are homeschooled and have a couple little activities outside the home (sports and church stuff). They interact with people everywhere we go and have become very confident kids. My older ds (he's 9) used to be more reserved around kids and more outgoing with adults. He really changed the last couple of years and he can blend right in with the kids now where ever he goes. Again, confidence begins in the healthy relationships at home! Just enjoy your son!

[Euromom]

Thank you Mamasheep for telling me about your experience and the book you recommend .

 

Katilac ,

My son went to a special preschool for language therapy. As I mentioned before , he also has a little speech delay . The school it's free through the public school.

 

You all gave me good reasons to HS regarding the social anxiety , but what about the other issues like speech delay and even auditory processing issues ?

I guess my question should have been :Would you still HS even if your dc would have speech delay and auditory processing ? Maybe even autism. He doesn't really play creatively with siblings , in fact the older son tells him how to play , that's another concern.

 

At this time , I am still not sure what to do . I went to his school today and meet the teacher . She said he will not get individual speech therapy , but in group. I don't think he can concentrate in a group so he will not learn.

Anyway , his speech is just a little delayed , maybe 6-8 months .I try to read books to him (which most he doesn't understand ) and ask questions ...I don't know what else to do.

[LizzyBee]

You all gave me good reasons to HS regarding the social anxiety , but what about the other issues like speech delay and even auditory processing issues ?

I guess my question should have been :Would you still HS even if your dc would have speech delay and auditory processing ? Maybe even autism. He doesn't really play creatively with siblings , in fact the older son tells him how to play , that's another concern.

 

At this time , I am still not sure what to do . I went to his school today and meet the teacher . She said he will not get individual speech therapy , but in group. I don't think he can concentrate in a group so he will not learn.

Anyway , his speech is just a little delayed , maybe 6-8 months .I try to read books to him (which most he doesn't understand ) and ask questions ...I don't know what else to do.

 

My 13 yo from my earlier post has mild dyslexia, auditory processing disorder, and she had a slight speech delay. When she was diagnosed with APD, her audiologist said that she's doing so well because she's homeschooled. She is easily overwhelmed and distracted in noisy environments.

 

My 8 yo had 3 years of private speech therapy that brought her articulation from below the 1st percentile to within normal range (~ 18th percentile). She is still difficult to understand sometimes and she just another speech eval to see if we need to resume therapy. She has auditory processing, dyslexia, sensory processing disorder, and ADHD-combined type. Being able to homeschool and allow her to learn at her own pace is a Godsend.

 

Do you have insurance that would pay for private therapy? We've never had any problem getting ST or OT approved for our dd, even after she reached school-age, but it all depends on your insurance company. Alternatively, could your son receive just speech therapy and nothing else at the school? Honestly, I've never heard good things about group therapy through the school system, so I would probably either do private therapy or just work on it at home. Since he's not severely behind, he might do fine with you working with him at home.

 

:grouphug:

[MamaSheep]

Thank you Mamasheep for telling me about your experience and the book you recommend .

 

Katilac ,

My son went to a special preschool for language therapy. As I mentioned before , he also has a little speech delay . The school it's free through the public school.

 

You all gave me good reasons to HS regarding the social anxiety , but what about the other issues like speech delay and even auditory processing issues ?

I guess my question should have been :Would you still HS even if your dc would have speech delay and auditory processing ? Maybe even autism. He doesn't really play creatively with siblings , in fact the older son tells him how to play , that's another concern.

 

At this time , I am still not sure what to do . I went to his school today and meet the teacher . She said he will not get individual speech therapy , but in group. I don't think he can concentrate in a group so he will not learn.

Anyway , his speech is just a little delayed , maybe 6-8 months .I try to read books to him (which most he doesn't understand ) and ask questions ...I don't know what else to do.

 

In some areas the schools will let you bring a homeschooled child in to the school just for therapies, and that might be something to look into. We've had some good experiences with that and met some really wonderful, helpful people that way who really took an interest in ds. I know it's not like that everywhere, though. We've been glad for it because our insurance doesn't cover anything development related. Private therapy is another option, and it's been my experience that most of the things they do at school are things we could do at home. Perhaps you could meet with the school therapist or a private one and have them help you plan out some things you could do at home one on one as part of your homeschool program. Alternately, you can purchase therapy books on your own and just follow the directions. That's worked out pretty well for us too. Some companies we've ordered from are www.linguisystems.com and www.superduperinc.com. The materials are usually pretty self-explanatory. We worked on some listening skills this way with ds and it went great. It can get kind of pricey, but not as much as private therapy if you have to pay out of pocket.

 

And it may be that school would be the right place for your son. You've asked your question on a homeschool board, so we're probably all a little bit biased here. From what I've heard from other people homeschool is a really good option for kids with a lot of different kinds of delays and challenges because they get a kind of devoted one on one attention that they would never get in an institutionalized setting. But I know from experience how intimidating it can be to jump into such overwhelming unfamiliar territory instead of just letting the experts do their thing.

 

Trust your gut. And whatever you decide, if you think it's not working out down the road, you can always change your mind and try something else. It only FEELS irrevocable. And no matter what you decide, SOMEONE is probably going to tell you its a bad idea. You can't make everyone happy, so just do whatever your gut tells you is the best thing for your child.

[modest-mama]

I totally would. You don't want your son learning his social skills from people whom may or may not share similiar values as you. Plus, you don't want to saturate him when he is already feeling uncomfortable.

 

You may be able to find a co-op or other homeschooling activity that would offer him just the right amount of exposure so that he will blossom.

[Cindyg]

I was just thinking about this issue today, before I read your post. My ds is 12, and still occasionally has anxiety. I was thinking how lucky he has been to be home all this time dealing with this as he needs to, without the constant pressure from peers, teacher with other priorities, schedules, standards, etc.

 

To answer your question: been there, stayed home, and it is working out well.

 

Homeschooling does not imply that you will ignore your child's issues. Do what you can to address them. Pursue appropriate private therapy. Introduce friends as you can. I'm a big fan of the DAN protocol (a nutritional protocol) for kids like this. We've been doing it for years.

 

Best of luck with your decision.

[TraceyS/FL]

We have heard the same thing, DD is where she is because she has been homeschooled. Her auditory processing issues are significant enough that she'd probably be years from being able to be in a mainstream classroom. All of her reports suggest a one to one teaching, or if that isn't doable then isolate her in the front of the classroom so she stands a chance to maybe learn.

 

Her auditory processing is about 4 years younger than her age. Right now she is also that size because of a growth disorder she has. She really doesn't relate to her age appropriate peers well. In some areas it's ok, others- she is in left field from them (probably due to lack of puberty).

 

So really, what I'm trying to say is that I agree with your husband that homeschooling him would give him the best chances.

[my2boysteacher]

I have another perspective to share. I was an extremely shy child when I started kindergarten. I wouldn't say a word to anyone at school, teacher or kids. They put me in a special class for kids with learning disabilities. It was a small group that met once a week. After many months in that class I started to speak a little and they realized I could read fluently!

I have many bad memories of elelmentary school--teachers punishing me for not answering them or volunteering information. It took along time until I started to feel comfortable in a classroom setting, seventh or eighth grade. I was happier through high school because I had two close friends who were also pretty introverted. I never joined any sports or music groups which I regret to this day.

When my oldest son showed signs of extreme shyness around age 4, I told DH we were going to homeschool him because there was no way on God's green earth I was going to subject him to what I had been through. He's now 8 years old, and a very happy, bright boy. He still prefers small groups, and won't say a lot in a large group settings like Sunday School or large family get togethers. To tell you the truth, I don't care if he spends his life avoiding large group situations. There are many well adjusted, successful people who do just that. I'm just happy that he is a secure, happy little guy who loves to learn and experience new things.

[lisabees]

I haven't read the other responses, but take into consideration that I am new to hs and have other kids in ps.

 

My nephew has selective mutism. From what I understand, the best thing for selective mutismis to immerse them in social situations. My nephew has been hs, gone to a small Christian school and is now going to a tiny charter school. His parents have tried to shelter him and, from what I have read, this is the wrong thing to do. He is now 10 years old and doesn't talk in any social situation.

 

Now, over the last few years, I have seen a girl in ps with selective mutism. She started out in k-garten, not talking and fearful. She had a "shadow" with her during the day (for a couple of years) and has truly blossomed into a confident girl. It has been amazing to watch.

 

I am not giving advice; not saying I know the answer to your situation. But, I had to share what I have seen. I wish my nephew had the same experience, instead of being a ten year old who is perceived as a 5 year old, because he doesn't talk, has never joined groups with other kids and isn't confident.

[MeAndTheBoys]

You have my son :)

 

I'm 2 years ahead of you though--he's now 6 1/2. From age 4 until this spring, at 6, we were treating it as Aspergers--going to Social Skills Therapy and doing a lot of intervention at home. (Testing in March didn't find AS, so we're not calling it that anymore)

 

Now he TALKS to children in his classes, whereas at age 4, he would not open his mouth--if he couldn't nod or shake his head to answer, he wouldn't answer.

 

So there is hope--and I firmly believe that throwing him in a classroom would have crushed him. It's like throwing your child in the water to make them swim--they MIGHT, or they might drown. And if they DO swim, they MIGHT be proud and go on from there, or they might be terrified and lose trust in you.

 

What I have done for the past two years is be very on top of activities--I helped in Children's Church once a month; I taught his VBS; I stepped WAY out of my comfort zone and set up playdates with very small groups of kids (usually one a year younger than him) and monitored them (some kids were NOT a help and we didnt' continue those playdates). I talked and got to know every Sunday School teacher, and observed in the class. I got to know many of the children his age in the church, so they would be friendly with me and I could include my son.

 

I know it's hard to go out with younger kids--I am one short compared to you, but still--I know. But for his sake, you are going to have to carefully select social groups or classes for him, and monitor them to make sure they are a help and not a hindrance.

 

The year and a half we spent in Aspergers group therapy was eye opening--I watched his public school peers get more and more withdrawn--and the conclusion I drew was that possibly they were so stressed spending 8 hours in a classroom that it was tearing them apart. My son was getting better; they were regressing. I totally agree with your DH that the stress of school may make it worse, not better.

 

My son is in no way the life of the party now, but he is comfortable and much more confident. We are really working hard to find him a "niche" of friends and activities that he will be able to be successful in and have a group of friends. He is just now old enough for Cub Scouts, and from what I've seen, it looks like it may be his "thing". Math Clubs, Science Clubs--future possibilities.

 

Your son doesn't have to become an extrovert or have 20 very, very good friends to get beyond this; he just needs to find his place. I think you can nurture him very well at home and ease him into being more social--

 

Betsy

Or would you send him to school?

 

Looking for advice please !

 

My 4 year old son has social anxiety . He doesn't talk more than one word sentence in public , but he talks almost normal at home with parents &siblings. He has very little speech delay at home . He might be a little in the autism spectrum , although the specialist said he is not .

 

At church or preschool , he never talks or plays with anyone , but he likes to watch the children. It seems he is interested in children but afraid to play with them. At home , he plays with siblings.

Last year he went to a special pre-K 3 times /week for 6 hours/day. He is supposed to go again on Monday but my husband thinks he would do better if we keep him home. He argues that he doesn't need to be social at this age and at home he will mature better and will be ok by 16 . He also thinks that my son will be stressed too much at school and that will affect his life (brain ) forever .

 

I am reluctant to keep him home. If he is not exposed to the children , how is he going to learn to be around them and people in general ? If I keep him home , I don't have much opportunity to bring him to be around kids other than church. I have 4 kids under 6 , including an infant so it is very hard for me to go out. Anyway , he wouldn't participate in anything at a HS Co-op so why should I pay for any classes?

 

He is doing very well academically and he even started to read since I was HS him this summer . There is not doubt that HS is best academically (even when you have 4 kids under 6 including a newborn ! ) but what about the social aspect ???

 

What would you do in this situation and why ?

Edited August 20, 2009 by MeAndTheBoys

[silvermine]

I would absolutely homeschool him. You can still expose him to other children, but in an environment he feels safer in. Have the other kids invite friends over, or have him try out short classes (like once a week for an hour). At least he knows you're there for him, and you can give him tips and tricks for how to engage with the other kids.

 

I'm a huge introvert, which I really didn't even get over enough to cope with until I was out of college. :D Going to school did not magically make me less introverted, it just made he really shy and frightened of people. I did make friends, but I spent most of the day not talking and feeling very lonely. Group work was just torture and horrible.

 

I'm the sort of person who likes a good deal of alone time, with my thoughts and stuff, and I like a few very deep relationships with people I really like. I would have 2-3 really good friends at a time, and that's *it*! More kids being around just made me hold back.

 

Even at park day, if you go to one, it isn't as many kids as school (unless you have a huge park day!!) and you can still make a good friend or two and find a quiet place to play alone with them.

[KristenS]

Haven't read all the replies, but as a person who now suffers an anxiety disorder, I'd definitely homeschool. Unless your child would be in a really GREAT school with an aide (like autistic or other special needs kids get), I wouldn't want to trust them. I think being home gives you so many more opportunities to truly coach behaviors that can help break past the anxiety and shyness. I know our homeschooling has helped ME with anxieties, for sure, because we're not stuck working around someone else's schedule. :)

 

My 4yo went through a phase recently of not speaking at places, and wanting me with her, but with her it's pretty much a phase (I think) and she's doing better. But I love that I have the freedom to stay with her as she needs, since we're flexible. (Fortunately our SS classes are very tolerant of me ... they just count me as a spare teacher.)

 

Anyway, (((hugs))) ... anxieties are rough.