Secular homeschoolers: How do you socialize?

[funschooler5]

My almost-12 yr old DD was talking to me last night about how she'd like some more friends. She really only has one friend, who she loves, but she'd like more. We live in a small town, and most of the homeschoolers we know are religious. They are all wonderful people, but for the first time DD mentioned that she's like to get to know some kids who are more like her (agnostic, pretty much). When she was younger, it was a little easier to see people at park days and such, but the older kids just don't show up to park days. DD is a "young" preteen, she still loves to play, doesn't care about clothes, boys, makeup, anything like that. So I don't know how she would fit in in the public middle school (she'll be in 6th grade this year...she's been homeschooled all her life except for two months in 3rd grade). We've tried some outside activites (Brownies, when she was little, 4-H, etc) but due to the area we live in, they all end up having a religious bent to them...even though these organizations are supposed to be secular. (The 4-H thing especially disappointed me, but that's another story).

 

I guess I'm just looking for ideas for "socialization". My DS could use that too, as he gets pretty lonely at times. DD doesn't want to go to school, but the time she was in school she made some great friends. She didn't keep in touch with them anymore though, and I think she misses them. I was trying to think of some extra-curricular activites she could participate in at the middle school, like band or choir, but she's not interested in those. (Sports are out, too....she hates sports).

 

It seems like most of the older homeschooled kids find their social contacts through church. We have just about every kind of church in this town except UU. DD has gone to church with her friend before, and I've encouraged it because I like her to learn about all kinds of religions, and I'd like her to meet new people, but she doesn't feel comfortable there, and I don't want to force her to go if she doesn't want to.

 

Any suggestions? What do all you secular homeschoolers do to find friends?

[Loupelou]

What about programs through the library or the Parks & Rec? Our library has quite a lot of teen activities. Is it something you would be willing to drive further for?

[MamaSheep]

Is there somewhere she could do volunteer work with other kids her age?

[LibraryLover]

Are there only Statement of Faith hsing groups near you? Or perhaps there is an inclusive group in a nearby city? (I don't know how far that would be for you).

 

I've found that unless people are unkind or evangelizing, having a mixed group of secular and non is nice. There are some really good folks out there.

 

I live in New England, where, ime, the religious divide is not as great. There's a lot more common ground than not.

Edited August 11, 2009 by LibraryLover

[EKS]

We have a homeschool group associated with the public school here. It has been a wonderful thing for my children.

[LaxMom]

Hmmm... we socialize with families from lots of backgrounds. It's not a problem; our friends all know and respect our views (as we do theirs).

 

Is there an inclusive support group in your area?

[kewb]

Our library runs book clubs for several age groups that my kids participate in.

 

You could be brave and start a discussion group. This fall we are participating in a tween discussion group. One week they will read a book ahead of time and then meet to discuss. Or a movie, or a radio show. The first week they will be doing show and tell about themselves as way of introduction.

 

We also participate in a tween social once a month at a local Panerra bread. Everyone brings games and the kids have a blast.

[BillieBoy]

This has been a concern for us too. Dd was involved with theater early but most of her friends dropped. I really was looking for something where she could make some long term friends not just short term camp friends. Dd just turned eight and we all agreed to increase her outside activities this year, as long as it doesn't interfere with her studies or her attitude. So she is taking on girl scouts and 4H. 4H has so many projects there is bound to be something your dc can get into. They generally start up at the end of September and meet all year until they show at the fair. My dd chose dog obedience because she is very interested in it and quite frankly one of our dogs really needs it. When we went to a 4H introduction meeting there were representatives from so many different projects. Check with your county extension office if you are interested. Both girl scouts and 4H meet twice a month (enough for me) but it varies club to club.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Is she eligible to participate in public school extra-curricular activities and sports in your state? In our state, homeschoolers and public cyber schoolers are eligible. I am thinking of this for my ds as I have heard of some who do participate.

 

Are there any theater groups for both of you to participate in or Sierra Club?

 

Does the library offer any activities? Any interests or hobbies that have a club in town?

 

Just my thoughts:).

Edited August 11, 2009 by priscilla
clarify

[Ellie]

Even though we are Chrsitians, we found lots of social experiences outside the church: Camp Fire, 4-H, marching band, dance. It's too bad your 4-H experience wasn't so great. :glare:

 

Surely there are non-Christian homeschoolers in your community? Is there a statewide group that lists *all* groups, not just Christian/other-religious groups?

[Desert Rat]

We've found most of our friends through organized sports- tae kwon do and soccer. Our library also offers a lot of teen and tween programs.

I understand how difficult it can be. Even the all inclusive groups in my area won't work for us. They start out fine, but most are Christian based and don't like it when we don't want to go to Bible studies, etc. The problem I've run into most lately is that the groups want me to commit to attending 3-4 activities a month. If I don't, I can't join. Stinks.

[Satori]

Our library has activities and craft once a week for children of varying ages, I hope to show up to our first one Thursday!

 

Also, Boulder has a few homeschool groups, and I got an email from one mama welcoming us to join them, and she said it was a secular group. Hooray, can't wait to meet some new friends.

[Peela]

For us the main social outlet is the Scouting organisation.

Dh reminded me the other day that dd didnt originally want to join Scouts. SHe was in Brownies at the time and enjoying it. He really pushed her to try (its Sea Scouts and he wanted he to learn boating skills)...and she was the only girl there on and off (Scouts is Co-ed here), and she absolutely loved it and learned so many skills (and continues to).

Since the kids got older, all social events double as educational. Perhaps choose something *for* your child that you want her to do- a sport isnt a bad idea, even if she doesn't want to- and choose keeping in mind the types of kids that might be there that she could potentially befriend.

[secular_mom]

Start your own group, or start an older hs kids monthly (or more often) event. Game nights are pretty popular with the secular pre-teens/teens here. They do board games, computer games, role playing games, video games, card games, whatever. Games and pizza/snacks.

I'm planning to offer to host a teens anime/manga group starting next month, since those are my teen's main interests. anime/manga and learning japanese are pretty popular right now.

Does your area have a central e-mail list? Ours doesn't really, we have lots of small lists instead. There is a great secular list, not LOTS of people but it's definitely not 'dead' either.

Or you can just pick an interest and do classes and clubs- sewing, knitting, cosplay, Live Action Role Play, etc.

I don't go out of my way to provide same age playmates for my dc. As long as they are getting out in the world and participating in something (and enjoying it) I say it's good. :)

[hsmamainva]

I have two kids in Tae Kwon Do and that's been a great experience!

 

I have two children with special needs who participate in the Special Olympics and Little League Challengers (my other two children volunteer, so it truly has become a family endeavor!).

 

We're becoming quite active at the YMCA and they have lots of activities.

 

The library is another good suggestion.

[Deidre in GA]

the only aspect i missed from growing up Catholic was that of community - a sense of belonging. when i decided to become a mom, i wanted that for my son but without all the god stuff. i finally found it in the Quaker Meeting here in the Atlanta area. there is a wide range of beliefs in this Meeting; from christo-centric to agnostic. the main thing we have in common is a desire not to be preached to. the groups for kids focus mostly on personal ethics and peace/justice issues. my son is very involved in the youth group.

 

though it's not technically 'secular' you might look into your local Quaker Meeting. not all Meetings are like ours but it's worth a shot.

[elw_miller]

When I was around your daughter's age I was a candy-striper at the local hospital. There were several other kids my age who worked with me in the hospitality shop.

 

Does she dislike all sports or just some sports? Swim clubs and martial arts might be a good fit, as might social ballroom dance clubs.

 

Do you have a local cultural building in your area that promotes the arts? They might offer classes for youth in ceramics, photography, etc. Wildlife centers may also have youth activities. If she likes to garden there might be a Junior Master Gardener program near you.

[Dirtroad]

I will try to say this gently b/c it applies to all ends of a spectrum.... but perhaps the issue is your decision to not mingle with people who have faith.

 

My SIL says she is open to all faiths... but she doesn't have one single evangelical Christian friend & brags about it. How is that open? Her poor brother has to walk on egg shells with her b/c of her "openness to all" (which isn't open at all). She has Jesus in the turtle tank, Buddha in the bathroom, books on horoscopes & birth signs, some arab statue in her kitchen, and some saint candles around the house.... she claims spirituality but is very hostile to christians. She doesn't see it.. but it is there. Could you face such issues too... a claimed acceptance that others do not feel or see? (understand, her case may be more severe... but I wanted to give an example)

 

I am sure the families that you have met are NOT all camp & tent meeting, hell-fire and brimstone, snake handling, handkerchief waiving types threatening you with an exorcism.;) They are probably ranging across many denominations & many levels of belief (strong to questionable). The 4-H groups are secular... but may be filled with people of faith b/c they are often strong in more rural settings where Christian faith is still rather prevalent or important to the local community.

 

If you live in a southern or rural community... you will have to adapt in order to have friends of common interests... even if they are not agnostics or on more common relegious grounds. The only other options are to move to a city, closer to a major university, or stand in a small group.

 

Honestly, I can't imagine my kids telling me that they can't find friends b/c some of the kids they have met go to the HINDU temple, to the lake on Sunday, or attend the Catholic mass. I would be appalled. They can be friends to them... & their Baptist & Presbyterian friends... and all in the same Scout meeting or at the soccer game. ;)

 

Why do you discriminate with such a broadbrush? Perhaps solving this might help you find more people to accept and get to know. I say this in kindness not meanness. I have friends on the other end who do not want to mingle with anyone outside of their immediate church group - not even other Christian homeschoolers. It isn't a one way street by any means.

 

I do hope you find some solutions. It is hard being on the outside or not finding where you (& kids) may fit. I have been there... even in family!

[Karen in CO]

But you know, my dd has Christian friends that she is fine around, but she has had some tell her that she is going to go to h*ll because she doesn't believe what they believe. She also has had one tell her that she isn't allowed to be friends with a non-christian. SHe has been told by girls that she wasn't invited to a party because she isn't christian.

 

She has been very hurt by such encounters. I can understand people wanting to shield their kids from that. My dd had those encounters in the public school enrichment program she attends. I think it is much easier for at least nominal christians for find a peer group than it is to find a group that is actually secular.

[Karen in CO]

I am pretty sure we can counter every extremist on one side with one from the other. It doesn't help little kids find friends at all.

[elizabeth]

Nearly impossible between the fact that our local hs group is against everything I stand for and every reason I home educate versus the secular side where we are viewed as elitist at best and horrible anti-establishment citizens at worst. We meet like minded people at the bookstore where they started a teen book club ,at my suggestion or at the library where dd serves on the teen library board and as an active book club member. Thank goodness both book clubs will continue through the year. It is really tough in smaller cities. Community theatre , dance and political volunteering have been great ways to meet others. It is much harder to meet kindred spirits as you do not have a ready made group that supports home schooling when you are secular in worldview or liberal and religious ,which is even worse.My new slogan adopted for the decade has been" Lead , Follow or Get Out of the Way!" My understanding and forebearance of idiocy in dealing with those against hsing for no reason except their own preconceived notions and ignorance is over.

[melissel]

ITA about starting your own group. I was frustrated by the lack of social opportunities in my immediate area, so I started a playgroup. I signed up for a Meetup group, found some Yahoo groups to post on, made some connections, and now have a nice little weekly group. We've made some wonderful friends that way. It was slow going for a little while, and I've had to be more forward and outgoing than I normally am, but not much else was showing up for us, so this was the only way at the time.

 

I'm sure there are other HSers in your area with a similar need -- maybe not tons of them, but if you are proactive and put yourself out there, you're sure to find a few. Secular_mom had some great ideas.

[Dirtroad]

Nearly impossible between the fact that our local hs group is against everything I stand for and every reason I home educate versus the secular side where we are viewed as elitist at best and horrible anti-establishment citizens at worst. We meet like minded people at the bookstore where they started a teen book club ,at my suggestion or at the library where dd serves on the teen library board and as an active book club member. Thank goodness both book clubs will continue through the year. It is really tough in smaller cities. Community theatre , dance and political volunteering have been great ways to meet others. It is much harder to meet kindred spirits as you do not have a ready made group that supports home schooling when you are secular in worldview or liberal and religious ,which is even worse.My new slogan adopted for the decade has been" Lead , Follow or Get Out of the Way!" My understanding and forebearance of idiocy in dealing with those against hsing for no reason except their own preconceived notions and ignorance is over.

 

Bookstore sounds like a great lead!

[Dirtroad]

I am pretty sure we can counter every extremist on one side with one from the other. It doesn't help little kids find friends at all.

 

My issue is that my kids never have trouble finding friends. Kids, even early teens, tend to meet people much better than adults or teens in groups. They just jump right in and play, chat, or skate. I wonder if our adult views inhibit them from relaxing & just "making friends".

 

There can be life lessons in it also. Anytime preteens & teens change environments, they are tossed into uncertainty and it is so important to them to fit in. Do they retreat? Do they go up & introduce themselves? Do they begin to listen & learn... and weed out the rats? It can be helpful (unless just cruelty going on).

 

Mean friends are unacceptible... regardless of supposed faith or any worldview... or nail polish color. Just unacceptible & should be abandoned quickly!

[melissel]

My issue is that my kids never have trouble finding friends. Kids, even early teens, tend to meet people much better than adults or teens in groups. They just jump right in and play, chat, or skate. I wonder if our adult views inhibit them from relaxing & just "making friends".

 

That's terrific for your kids, but I was never that kind of kid, and it had nothing to do with worldview. Even now, as an adult, I'm not the kind of person to just jump in with both feet. I did much better meeting people in organized group situations. Some people are just like that.

[Tutor]

DD is a "young" preteen, she still loves to play, doesn't care about clothes, boys, makeup, anything like that.

 

Wow! Where do you live? My dd12 has been asking for a friend just like your dd. We *are* Christians, but my dd has specifically asked to find friends "not from church." She feels (as do dh and I) that our kids are discriminated against by the parents of all the girls her age who also have similar interests because she is homeschooled and not involved in the private school that much of our church is heavily involved in. :confused: Whatever.

 

Your dd sounds lovely. I wish we could get our girls together.

[melissel]

We *are* Christians, but my dd has specifically asked to find friends "not from church." She feels (as do dh and I) that our kids are discriminated against by the parents of all the girls her age who also have similar interests because she is homeschooled and not involved in the private school that much of our church is heavily involved in. :confused: Whatever.

 

Well, good grief! Just what on earth is wrong with people? I'm so sorry for the situation your daughter's in :(

[vkay]

We have the exact same problem and the exact same line up of dc!

 

I too find I back out of local hs activities because of the religious tone. I had initially joined a local hs group that I knew going in was a faith based one. I thought that I'd try to blend in but after just a bit of conversation, I would always be "outed". After asking what church we go to, one lady just said, "You DO KNOW that this is a CHRISTIAN homeschool group, don't you?!?" I sort of felt like an imposter so we stopped going.

 

So here is what we do to try and make new friends. Most of the time it doesn't work, BUT sometimes it does and that's all that matters.

 

- local sports stuff. Previously in life, they were on a soccer team: produced no long term friends.....but it could.

 

- Joined Tae Kwon Do. This did produce friends that the kids enjoyed and that they saw outside of TKD (until we moved). :-(

 

- summer camps (local day camps). We attend many during the summer and once in awhile, like maybe once a summer, the kids bond with someone they meet and we continue the relationship after camp is over.

 

For the 4yo:

- my 4yo met a couple of really nice friends through a music class.

 

- preschool. If you pick a nice preschool that has 2/day or 3/day a week half day options for you little one, then it's a great way to meet other stay at home moms. Some may have older siblings. *I mention the 2 mornings a week & 3 mornings a week because your goal is to find the stay at home moms - it's your best bet to find someone who is similiar. I once tried a preschool that had 'service' from 6 am - 6pm. Yea, there were some half day classes, but the majority of kids where there all day and 100% of those that I met worked full time. This seriously limits playdate potential not to mention that you will have less in common with them. Now, I'm not saying working moms wouldn't be good friends, it's just that if you need to hunt for a friend, it would be more likely to happen in an area that has stay at home moms.

 

make sense?

 

good luck!!

[Dirtroad]

That's terrific for your kids, but I was never that kind of kid, and it had nothing to do with worldview. Even now, as an adult, I'm not the kind of person to just jump in with both feet. I did much better meeting people in organized group situations. Some people are just like that.

 

I mean kids tend to find a way... organized or playground... even shy kids join in after some caution or upon invite. Grown ups tend to shun more & act aloof or suspicious. I know some kids are painfully shy and that is where parents are challenged to push them out there & help combat the fears that creep in. But OPs daughter didn't sound shy... just having trouble finding the right fit. I understand not jumping in... I was the fat kid on the playground... nobody wanted me. Tough in PE class & I needed it the most!

 

However, kids seem better at finding a way. We don't & I wonder if we also load them with our reservations and baggage ... which might interfere with their relationships.

[funschooler5]

I will try to say this gently b/c it applies to all ends of a spectrum.... but perhaps the issue is your decision to not mingle with people who have faith.

 

My SIL says she is open to all faiths... but she doesn't have one single evangelical Christian friend & brags about it. How is that open? Her poor brother has to walk on egg shells with her b/c of her "openness to all" (which isn't open at all). She has Jesus in the turtle tank, Buddha in the bathroom, books on horoscopes & birth signs, some arab statue in her kitchen, and some saint candles around the house.... she claims spirituality but is very hostile to christians. She doesn't see it.. but it is there. Could you face such issues too... a claimed acceptance that others do not feel or see? (understand, her case may be more severe... but I wanted to give an example)

 

I am sure the families that you have met are NOT all camp & tent meeting, hell-fire and brimstone, snake handling, handkerchief waiving types threatening you with an exorcism.;) They are probably ranging across many denominations & many levels of belief (strong to questionable). The 4-H groups are secular... but may be filled with people of faith b/c they are often strong in more rural settings where Christian faith is still rather prevalent or important to the local community.

 

If you live in a southern or rural community... you will have to adapt in order to have friends of common interests... even if they are not agnostics or on more common relegious grounds. The only other options are to move to a city, closer to a major university, or stand in a small group.

 

Honestly, I can't imagine my kids telling me that they can't find friends b/c some of the kids they have met go to the HINDU temple, to the lake on Sunday, or attend the Catholic mass. I would be appalled. They can be friends to them... & their Baptist & Presbyterian friends... and all in the same Scout meeting or at the soccer game. ;)

 

Why do you discriminate with such a broadbrush? Perhaps solving this might help you find more people to accept and get to know. I say this in kindness not meanness. I have friends on the other end who do not want to mingle with anyone outside of their immediate church group - not even other Christian homeschoolers. It isn't a one way street by any means.

 

I do hope you find some solutions. It is hard being on the outside or not finding where you (& kids) may fit. I have been there... even in family!

 

I don't think we discriminate, my daughter's best friend is LDS (and her mother is one of my best friends). I love them both to death. We're members of the local homeschooling group, which is Christian and has statement of faith signature section, but we don't sign it. We attend the local group activities and are familiar with several other homeschooling families, just not close because our kids haven't really "clicked". Not that they don't get along, just that they see each other regularly (a couple of times a month) at homeschool get-togethers but the kids just don't ask to see eachother outside of that. These families are wonderful, they are religious but they aren't pushy about it (actually I'm not sure if they know about our "non-religiousness", it hasn't really come up). I don't think they would shun us or anything. They're very nice people.

 

It's just a matter of meeting more homeschooled kids DD's age (there just aren't that many around), and her wanting to make some additional friends (not replacing her friend). And yes, she said she'd like to meet some kids who have similar interests and beliefs. I think she'd just like to be able to talk about some things (mainly silly pop culture stuff) without worrying about offending people. Yes, she likes Spongebob, Pokemon, Harry Potter, and she's able to watch PG-13 and even some (non-violent, selected by us) rated R movies. On the other hand, she's not into clothes, boys, or makeup, like a lot of the public school girls we've encountered (mainly the kids of our friends). So she feels a little alone.

[funschooler5]

That's terrific for your kids, but I was never that kind of kid, and it had nothing to do with worldview. Even now, as an adult, I'm not the kind of person to just jump in with both feet. I did much better meeting people in organized group situations. Some people are just like that.

 

That's another thing...I'm quite shy. DD isn't quite as shy, but she does need a little help making friends sometimes.

[funschooler5]

Start your own group, or start an older hs kids monthly (or more often) event. Game nights are pretty popular with the secular pre-teens/teens here. They do board games, computer games, role playing games, video games, card games, whatever. Games and pizza/snacks.

I'm planning to offer to host a teens anime/manga group starting next month, since those are my teen's main interests. anime/manga and learning japanese are pretty popular right now.

Does your area have a central e-mail list? Ours doesn't really, we have lots of small lists instead. There is a great secular list, not LOTS of people but it's definitely not 'dead' either.

Or you can just pick an interest and do classes and clubs- sewing, knitting, cosplay, Live Action Role Play, etc.

I don't go out of my way to provide same age playmates for my dc. As long as they are getting out in the world and participating in something (and enjoying it) I say it's good. :)

 

I've thought about starting another homeschool group, but I live in a small town and I don't think that there would be enough people (I actually don't know of any secular homeschoolers in my town). Also I don't wish to offend any of the homeschoolers that I do know. They are all very nice, and I don't want them to think that I want to quit associating with them.

 

Now the clubs based on interests sounds like a great idea. And DD will be old enough to volunteer at our library next month, maybe she could organize a club to meet there.