I am so sad. I feel like giving up.

[Cathy in IL]

It looks like after everything, all my efforts to keep the little two year old I am caring for safe from an abusive home have failed. She will likely be sent home early this week. There aren't enough scars and marks on her. DCFS wants more physical signs of the abuse. It doesn't seem to matter what the children say. The stories are harsh. They are things to detailed for the children to have made up. But it doesn't matter. No one who can do anything is willing to keep them safe.

 

I just don't know how much more of this my heart can handle. How much I can keep loving and not being able to have any of it matter at all. I feel so powerless and sad.

 

I can't eat. I can't sleep. No matter what I do it seems it isn't enough, and these little ones just keep suffering.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

It looks like after everything, all my efforts to keep the little two year old I am caring for safe from an abusive home have failed. She will likely be sent home early this week. There aren't enough scars and marks on her. DCFS wants more physical signs of the abuse. It doesn't seem to matter what the children say. The stories are harsh. They are things to detailed for the children to have made up. But it doesn't matter. No one who can do anything is willing to keep them safe.

 

I just don't know how much more of this my heart can handle. How much I can keep loving and not being able to have any of it matter at all. I feel so powerless and sad.

 

I can't eat. I can't sleep. No matter what I do it seems it isn't enough, and these little ones just keep suffering.

 

Oh, that's so sad. I'm so sorry you're hurting and feeling helpless.

 

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for doing what you do for these helpless babies. The ripples of goodness that you send into their lives WILL make a difference. You must have faith that this is so.

 

{{{{Cathy}}}}

[sdWTMer]

Pam, I loved your post. Cathy she said it beautifully for me as well! Take heart. Lord willing, she will come back to you again.

[Whisperlily]

What you are doing DOES matter. Don't ever fool yourself into believing that even a few minutes of goodness is not worth the effort. Even if they don't remember the details, they'll have the memories of a loving touch, comfort and care. What if they never knew what it was like? It may be those moments, or the rememberance of comfort that they hold on to as they step back into their life.

 

Something to remember. Something to hold onto, no matter how brief, is always worth it.

[Sophia]

I'm sorry.

 

What you are doing does matter.

 

That child had a time of rest and safety in your home.

DCFS is a broken system, but thank the Lord for people like you who can provide

some respite for those unfortunate children.

[Michelle T]

but your care is a blessing in those children's lives forever. And a blessing on you, too.

 

I hope they will get to come back to you.

MIchelle T

[Chris in VA]

May God hold you today, and the little one.

 

There's a song on my blog you might like. It's the first one that plays, called "Held." It helps me when I am feeling devastated about Sky. I hope it blesses you.

 

You were there for her, and you did the right thing. I'm so sorry it's so sad. Not being in control can be incredibly hard.

[Karen sn]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

When I was working in a preschool we had a little girl who was being molested by a female relative. It was being investigated. One night I was drinking beer and playing spades with friend - someone asked how work was - I broke down in tears. Every ounce of me that is mother, social worker, woman, and defender of all creatures wanted sooooo deeply to kidnap her and take her somewhere safe. Sometimes the right thing is not legal and that sucks.

 

Does anyone remember Bradley MeGee? He was a Florida toddler (severely abused), his mother abandoned him at a shopping mall - they gave him back REPEATEDLY to her - even though neighbors continually reported the abuse. He finally died being slammed head first into a toilet by the "mom's" boyfriend because he pooped his pants. (There is so much more but I can't write it - I am crying now, almost 20 years later - I will never forget his name...)

 

When I am a very old lady - I'm gonna sniper people who get away with and continue to harm kids.

 

GO HIGHER. CALL THE SUPERVISOR'S SUPERVISOR. CALL THE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE. TAKE PICTURES OF HER SCARS. DO NOT GIVE UP UNTIL THEY PRY HER FROM YOUR HANDS. When you have done every legal thing possible - when/if they take her - you will at least know you did everything you realistically could.

 

Kiss her - hug her - spoil her while she is with you. Your love will remain in her heart even after your memory is gone from her young mind. And FWIW, I DO remember my life before I was 2. My mom was pregnant and I remember her lap getting smaller! I remember my sister coming home from the hospital the month before I turned 2. She will have the blurry good memories stored - even if they are deep.

[CalicoKat]

It looks like after everything, all my efforts to keep the little two year old I am caring for safe from an abusive home have failed. She will likely be sent home early this week. There aren't enough scars and marks on her. DCFS wants more physical signs of the abuse. It doesn't seem to matter what the children say. The stories are harsh. They are things to detailed for the children to have made up. But it doesn't matter. No one who can do anything is willing to keep them safe.

 

I just don't know how much more of this my heart can handle. How much I can keep loving and not being able to have any of it matter at all. I feel so powerless and sad.

 

I can't eat. I can't sleep. No matter what I do it seems it isn't enough, and these little ones just keep suffering.

 

I think I'd call the local TV station and see if they'd be willing to do another piece on the inepetness of DCFS.

[Cathy in IL]

You're angry with me, Calico Kat? I have fought and fought for this child's rights. I have taken her to the one hospital here that specializes in abuse and neglect. I have spoken with the medical director of DCFS. I have contacted attorneys. In the middle of my son's anasthesia I was talking to child abuse doctors about her. The child abuse doctor herself said that, DCFS won't take a child as young as her without more physical evidence of abuse. The children are too young to tell clearly what happened. They will tell us what happened, but when it comes to talking to the official people investigating, they get quiet because they don't know them. I have been a voice for this child. I am also trying to work with her mother to help her learn to be the nurturing, protecting parnet this child needs. I have approached the media in the past with other cases. The reality of it is scars and marks are not dramatic enough to make the news. They wait for the sensational stories of children being starved, locked in cages, or even killed. The cases that happen everyday are simply not dramatic enough to gain attention. I have advocated for many children over the years. I have lots of connections and resources that have been helpful in the past. I am confident that I have done all I can possibly do to protect her. I am deeply saddened that it isn't enough. I was mad at myself, but I know that I have done everything I can legally do. If you meant in your title that you were angry at me, I think your anger is directed in the wrong place.

[CalicoKat]

You're angry with me, Calico Kat? I have fought and fought for this child's rights. I have taken her to the one hospital here that specializes in abuse and neglect. I have spoken with the medical director of DCFS. I have contacted attorneys. In the middle of my son's anasthesia I was talking to child abuse doctors about her. The child abuse doctor herself said that, DCFS won't take a child as young as her without more physical evidence of abuse. The children are too young to tell clearly what happened. They will tell us what happened, but when it comes to talking to the official people investigating, they get quiet because they don't know them. I have been a voice for this child. I am also trying to work with her mother to help her learn to be the nurturing, protecting parnet this child needs. I have approached the media in the past with other cases. The reality of it is scars and marks are not dramatic enough to make the news. They wait for the sensational stories of children being starved, locked in cages, or even killed. The cases that happen everyday are simply not dramatic enough to gain attention. I have advocated for many children over the years. I have lots of connections and resources that have been helpful in the past. I am confident that I have done all I can possibly do to protect her. I am deeply saddened that it isn't enough. I was mad at myself, but I know that I have done everything I can legally do. If you meant in your title that you were angry at me, I think your anger is directed in the wrong place.

 

I am along side you, feeling angry at the system that fails these children who need a powerful advocate. I'm angry that the system designed to care for children is powerless to do so.

 

You are doing so much to change the whole in those your children's lives. You are part of the solution. And I'm walking this road with you with my own foster kids. I am frustrated angry that we are powerless to do more.

 

Why do the parents' rights supercede the right of our children to have a safe & healthy life?

 

Why do they allow birthmom's drug habit dictate the timeline for the court proceedings.

 

Why do they knowingly subject new newest fetus to the same abuse inutero that she did to the last two babies (my babies)? Lock her up and force her to give this new little one a fighting change. NO, they have to respect her freedom to choose.

 

Don't get me wrong, I have never been angry at you. I feel a kinship with what you're doing because we are also foster parents. I guess I let my passion rule my typing and I wasn't careful. Please forgive me if my words caused you grief.

 

Praying for you. Praying for your kids. Praying for the judge in this case. Praying for the caseworkers. Praying that the birthmom would surrender or make another mistake to forfeit her right to take the kids back again.

 

My sister divorced her husband because he was molesting their dd. Even though everyone knows it's happening, but because the dd is only 5 and too young in the court's opinion to give testiomy the court is allowing unsupervised visit and overnights. The abuse continues. The evidence of abuse continues. We have to wait until he leaves physical scars or until she's 8 and able to testitfy. Infuriating

[hana]

I am so, so sorry, Cathy. You have taken on one of the hardest jobs there is. I can tell you how much I respect and admire that, but I know that nothing I say can take away your pain or make it better for this child. I'm sorry.

[Harriet Vane]

I have dealt with this too, a couple times. The one I will never forget, that gives me nightmares at times, was a 3-year-old who was molested repeatedly by her father. She CLEARLY identified him and there was tons of evidence--physical evidence, things the mother had SEEN but chose to discount. Because she was 3yo her testimony was continuously minimized and discounted.

 

DCFS is extremely dysfunctional, and nowhere more so than Cook County. It is much much harder to get a kid taken in Cook than elsewhere.

 

I am so very, very sorry. I will pray that the truth be known and that God will keep this child safe.

 

(((Cathy)))

[Tammyla]

My heart just breaks for those little ones. Prayers here.

[gandpsmommy]

I can't imagine your frustration and grief. Please know that this child has been blessed by your love and care. Thank you so very much for what you have done.

[Cathy in IL]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Thank you CalicoKat for helping me read your title again. I see now just what you meant when you typed it.

 

It is so frustrating that the people who are most aware of the problems with DCFS are the most powerless to do anything about it. I fear that if I fight too hard against the powers that be I will be targeted. I would be labeled a troublemaker and they would find reasons to investigate my home or take my foster license away. I know so many people who see these abuses of the system regularly, but for reasons like mine feel unable to say or do anything that could result in change. We are bound by confidentiality laws. We are told we have too much of a personal connection to the case to evaluate it objectively. Stories are concocted by caseworkers and other powers that be to limit our influence.

 

Maybe once my children are grown and out of the home I will be able to be a more effective advocate for change in this broken system. I just feel like I have to be so careful now. I don't want to risk my own children by angering the wrong people in DCFS.

 

It makes no sense that a system with as much power over families as DCFS operates with no real checks and balances. they are an entity unto themselves. they don't really answer to anyone.

[sdWTMer]

Thanks both to Cathy and CalicoKat for doing something that is sooo heart wearying! Thanks for loving these kiddos enough to take them in, give them a safe place (temporarily) and for giving so much of yourselves. I appreciate this self-less effort that you are giving to our society. How wonderful it is to have families such as yours. Like the military (and we thank them too, as well as any civil servant), you are on the front lines in another way. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[CalicoKat]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Thank you CalicoKat for helping me read your title again. I see now just what you meant when you typed it.

 

It is so frustrating that the people who are most aware of the problems with DCFS are the most powerless to do anything about it. I fear that if I fight too hard against the powers that be I will be targeted. I would be labeled a troublemaker and they would find reasons to investigate my home or take my foster license away. I know so many people who see these abuses of the system regularly, but for reasons like mine feel unable to say or do anything that could result in change. We are bound by confidentiality laws. We are told we have too much of a personal connection to the case to evaluate it objectively. Stories are concocted by caseworkers and other powers that be to limit our influence.

 

Maybe once my children are grown and out of the home I will be able to be a more effective advocate for change in this broken system. I just feel like I have to be so careful now. I don't want to risk my own children by angering the wrong people in DCFS.

 

It makes no sense that a system with as much power over families as DCFS operates with no real checks and balances. they are an entity unto themselves. they don't really answer to anyone.

 

Since they're my direct line to the judge I always make sure that when they ask me what we (the child) needs I say, "I need for the judge to make a decision in this case that serves the best interest for these kids and their future. Please tell the judge to make a decision that will enable these kids to have hope for a future."

 

And since whatever I tell them goes on record then I know I've spoken my piece.

 

Praying deeply for your family and your heart.

[Cathy in IL]

This little lady does not have a GAL. She was handed to me voluntarily by her mother. DCFS has not screened the case in and taken protective custody. They have a "safety plan" in place keeping her in my custody this weekend, but that is as far as it goes at this point. I wish she did have a GAL speaking for her.

[CalicoKat]

This little lady does not have a GAL. She was handed to me voluntarily by her mother. DCFS has not screened the case in and taken protective custody. They have a "safety plan" in place keeping her in my custody this weekend, but that is as far as it goes at this point. I wish she did have a GAL speaking for her.

 

What would happen if you turned her over to DCFS for screening--you are a mandated reporter as a licensed foster parent. This would at least delay her return to her parent. Or is this a placement through Lydia Home?

 

This is how our little guy entered the system. Birthmom handed him over to Grandma (her safety plan) and Grandma surrendered him to DCFS.

 

I know DCFS is a scary thing to consider, but I do appreciate how there is an order to every action which can benefit the kids soo much. The system also put into action a plan that makes the parent be accountable for changes that must happen in order for them to get their kids back. If they don't do their plan then the whole process gets delayed--and eventually can default into permanent placement for the kids in a safer environment/home.

 

How long has it been since she visited the kids? If there is a gap of a certain length then DCFS views it as an abandonment case.

[Doran]

Can I tell you that your work not only makes a difference in the lives of these children, it makes a difference in my life. This kind of giving helps me remember how vital it is that we act from our hearts instead of always from our heads. You have a VERY big heart, one I'm sure is aching right now. But, thank goodess there are hearts like yours in this world. Your love is an example to so many. So many.

 

Sending you courage, strength, hope.

 

Doran

[WTMindy]

Praying for you and the child!!

[beansprouts]

Thanks both to Cathy and CalicoKat for doing something that is sooo heart wearying! Thanks for loving these kiddos enough to take them in, give them a safe place (temporarily) and for giving so much of yourselves. I appreciate this self-less effort that you are giving to our society. How wonderful it is to have families such as yours. Like the military (and we thank them too, as well as any civil servant), you are on the front lines in another way. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

 

What she said. You are both heroes in my eyes. {{HUGS}}

[Colleen]

Can I tell you that your work not only makes a difference in the lives of these children, it makes a difference in my life. This kind of giving helps me remember how vital it is that we act from our hearts instead of always from our heads. You have a VERY big heart, one I'm sure is aching right now. But, thank goodess there are hearts like yours in this world. Your love is an example to so many. So many.

 

Yes, yes, yes. You are appreciated by so many, Cathy. Of course, that does not make it any easier, knowing that a child is being returned to an abusive situation. That is heart-wrenching and frustrating and just...sick. Honestly, I do not think I could ever do foster care because I'm afraid if I were faced with this scenario I might take the child and conveniently disappear.

 

Do not weary of doing good, (((Cathy))).

[Amy in Orlando]

(((Cathy))) this is just heartbreaking to read. I wish I had something to tell you that would change things. I can't say things better than Doran did. You will be in my prayers.

[Mama Bear]

Thanks for standing in the gap. Don't give up. The world is a better place for your actions and this little one is better for you being willing to bare yourself to this terrible situation.

 

I'm praying. Please post updates...

[Janet in WA]

I'm not strong enough to do what you do. I am in absolute awe of those of you who are. Thank you and God bless you.

[Cathy in IL]

Here is where the post about the odd twist actually fits. DCFS is not sending the children home soon after all. Now they want to continue the investigation. I don't really know what brought about the change. Later today I have "little lady's" three year old sister joining us. She needs the interaction with other children and just doesn't have it in the home she is in now. Things seem to be continually changing over here. I don't know what to expect next.

[sleepy]

You are doing a wonderful thing for these children, Cathy. I hope today goes smoothly for you and the little ones.

[Doran]

Here is where the post about the odd twist actually fits. DCFS is not sending the children home soon after all. Now they want to continue the investigation. I don't really know what brought about the change. Later today I have "little lady's" three year old sister joining us. She needs the interaction with other children and just doesn't have it in the home she is in now. Things seem to be continually changing over here. I don't know what to expect next.

 

 

Glad to know things changed for the better, even if only a little time is gained, hopefully there will also be greater knowledge when the time is up.

 

Peace,

Doran

[Harriet Vane]

Please keep us posted. I will continue to pray for your dear child's safety and that the truth will be known.

[5kidsforME]

With you meaning alongside of you. Meaning she is angry just like you are not at you.

 

Megan

[CalicoKat]

Here is where the post about the odd twist actually fits. DCFS is not sending the children home soon after all. Now they want to continue the investigation. I don't really know what brought about the change. Later today I have "little lady's" three year old sister joining us. She needs the interaction with other children and just doesn't have it in the home she is in now. Things seem to be continually changing over here. I don't know what to expect next.

 

What an answer to prayer Cathy! They're safe for another day.

[*LC]

Thanks for sharing this good twist in the story. I pray that the addition of a three-year-old is nice and boring. I also pray that your son continues to do well on the steriods.

 

LC

[readwithem]

What a sorry state of our system that a child who doesn't have "enough" evidence of abuse. Hugs to you sweet Cathy.

[Tap]

You're angry with me, Calico Kat? .....

 

 

So, sorry you have to have this heartbreak.

 

Tap

[Cathy in IL]

The girls are really competing for attention. "Little lady" is little naughty lady since her sister invaded her territory.

[Julpost]

I was talking to a woman last year who was thinking of stopping foster care for the same reasons, it was just too heart wrenching. But you know, think about this, now that you know this little girl, you can pray for her every single day. That's a HUGE gift that can make a difference in her life. So yes, pray every single day for her, and trust in God. Maybe I should do the same thing. Many of us could just put her name in our prayer journals permanently.