How to keep the peace between siblings?

[Evergreen State Sue]

Last week our 13yods was at camp and this week our 12yodd is at camp. Life around here has been so much more peaceful with only one kid at home. These kids are total opposites and one or the other will either do something or say something that will irritate the other. In the past I've talked to them separately or together about being kind to the other even before they get out of bed and by the time they are at the breakfast table "something" is said or done that starts the bickering.

 

I need a plan for when dd comes back. Taking away privileges like video games or youth activities hasn't really worked and they are too old for the naughty chair. Any suggestions?

[abbeyej]

My kids are younger, but...

 

The best things we do:

 

Write a love letter to your sibling. All this has to be is a list (give a number: 3, 5, whatever) of things you love or admire about your sibling. They can be serious or slightly silly, but must all be genuine, not back-handed in any way.

 

Write a list of kind things (again, give them a number) you can do for your sibling. Take on a chore for them, bake them a favorite treat, etc, etc... Be specific, then follow-through over the next day or week.

 

Give them a task that requires teamwork. These can range from fun things (baking cookies and the like) to more "work" type things. The point is that they *must* work together...

 

Or tell them that they must come up with something to do together, treating each other with kindness (no arguing, no fighting) for the next hour, or *you* will come up with something for them to do together (generally involving cleaning toilets and the like) for the next hour.

 

Encourage other "teambuilding" activities between them. Don't automatically separate them when they're bickering, but find ways for them to work or enjoy time together.

 

"One cuts, the other chooses." This refers to cake slices, but it can be applied to many situations. With cake, rather than Mom scrupulously slicing identical pieces, only to have both kids complain, one child slices two pieces, and the other child picks the piece they want first. No one can possibly complain. The principle can be used in a variety of situations...

[mindygz]

I'd love to hear others. I was just about to post a plea for ideas when I saw that I'm not the only mom with squabblers today. They are driving me bonkers. :blink:

[cin]

:lurk5:

[lionfamily1999]

Write a love letter to your sibling.

My mother made my brother and I do this. It worked, because we spent the time laughing at our mom and how rediculous she was. The common bond was dissension from Mom.

 

Augh.

 

I remember those days.

 

ETA: this is not to assume YOUR dcs feel this way. My mom didn't implement this until we were all teenagers and that is a VERY different age.

 

 

My kids argue, until they disagree with me... then they're thick as thieves. The only thing I've found to work with mine is to explain that they're more alike than they imagine (mine are all 5 years apart and the phases they go through seem to repeat to each other, iykwIm). Going through stories together about their own history seems to work. They enjoy hearing it and laughing TOGETHER about yesterdays.

[Blue Hen]

Here's the plan ---- run to the book store and pick up the book Siblings without Rivalry: How to help your children live together so you can live too.

 

Next, come home and read the book from cover to cover. Implement suggestions in the book. Finally, place book in the bathroom and continue to read it for years to come.

 

Background: Before kids my sister (the only one of my siblings who would actually chat with another of the siblings) asked me why my dh and I did not have kids after 6yrs of marriage. I stated that while I loved kids I knew they would fight with each other and I didn't want that. I went on to tell her that she was lucky that her two got along so well. She said that she was not lucky but that she read and applied Siblings w/out Rivalry. We chatted some more about the subject and I came home from her house with a changed heart. My kids are best friends but without SWOR I would guess that they would be fighting like cats and dogs: direct opposites.

 

It is not easy but it is so worth it.

Carole

[Quad Shot Academy]

My kids are younger, but after all the usual tactics and discussions, I tell them that I absolutely won't unleash two such grumpy, ill behaved, mean . . . children on the world. They can stay home and bicker or learn to get along before being aloud out of the house. :D It usually takes 2 days.

[adams101]

When the sanctuary at our church was remodled when I was young, my parents got one of the pews that was on stage for the pastor, music guy, etc. to sit on. It is about 4 ft long. They would make us sit on it and hug for 5 min. or whatever. Let me tell you, that made an impression. Who wants to sit and hug their sibling?

[Blue Hen]

They would make us sit on it and hug for 5 min. or whatever. Let me tell you, that made an impression. Who wants to sit and hug their sibling?

 

Mine did and still will, willingly --- that is how much I believe in Siblings without Rivalvry. Having lived through the opposite with my own siblings this is such a wonderful state.

 

Carole

[abbeyej]

My mother made my brother and I do this. It worked, because we spent the time laughing at our mom and how rediculous she was. The common bond was dissension from Mom.

 

I'm afraid I'm simply not above using that tactic though. ;)

 

There are times when having the kids temporarily annoyed with me, but united in their annoyance, and transformed from bickering to giggling and plotting together... Well, when all that is worth it. They get over their annoyance with me, and ultimately their bond with their sibling is better.

 

But yes, with that particular technique (writing a letter listing the sibling's good qualities), it may help that we've done that occasionally since they were old enough to have differences of opinions (even when I had to do the writing for one of them).

[TwinMominTX]

Mine are younger, but I often do a "time out". When words between sisters get ugly I tell them they aren't allowed to interact with each other - at all - for a certain period of time. This seems to help and if nothing else, makes it quieter and gives my ears a break.

[Evergreen State Sue]

Thank you all for your suggestions. I might even have that Sibling Rivalry book. I remember hearing about it before. Maybe I checked it out of the library.

 

I'm sorry I don't think the hugging thing would work. I'm afraid one of them might hug too hard and start a fight. Things can quickly get out of hand.

 

I wish I had started earlier. I think it will be harder now that they are hitting the teenage years. One child has some sensory issues and doesn't like a lot of noise while the other one seems to need to make noise even if it is singing, playing the piano, or banging dishes while emptying the dishwasher. One child is very smart, loves to answer questions or ask new ones. The other one is quiet and you have to pull answers out of him. They are just soooo different. The only time I've seen them in agreement is when they are hiding something from me, and I don't want to encourage deception.

[Peela]

Mine are close in age (17 months) and are also very different, as well as being opposite sexes.

I found the sibling rivalry book to be great when they were younger and it did help me...maybe a lot, because it's not much of an issue nowadays. It seemed much worse when they were younger.

One thing I found is that they used to compete for my love in various ways. The younger was more needy (still is) and the older, the "good child", would miss out and so do something mean to the younger in her passive agressive anger. Its still a bit of a dynamic.

I tell them "I have enough love for both of you" and it sounds really cheesy, but it seems to really help.

[littlebug42]

Mine are younger, but I often do a "time out". When words between sisters get ugly I tell them they aren't allowed to interact with each other - at all - for a certain period of time. This seems to help and if nothing else, makes it quieter and gives my ears a break.

 

 

Mine generally get along pretty well but I do this as well when they start to get on each other's nerves too badly.

 

My mother used to make us sit on the floor in the middle of the room and stare at each other until we got over it. We usually started laughing before it was over.

[lionfamily1999]

I'm afraid I'm simply not above using that tactic though. ;)

 

There are times when having the kids temporarily annoyed with me, but united in their annoyance, and transformed from bickering to giggling and plotting together... Well, when all that is worth it. They get over their annoyance with me, and ultimately their bond with their sibling is better.

 

But yes, with that particular technique (writing a letter listing the sibling's good qualities), it may help that we've done that occasionally since they were old enough to have differences of opinions (even when I had to do the writing for one of them).

I just wanted to make sure you knew I wasn't trying to say YOUR kids do that. We were teenagers and the idea of writing a "love letter" to our sibling was just..... well....... yeah.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Here's the plan ---- run to the book store and pick up the book Siblings without Rivalry: How to help your children live together so you can live too.

 

Next, come home and read the book from cover to cover. Implement suggestions in the book. Finally, place book in the bathroom and continue to read it for years to come.

 

 

 

AMEN! AMEN! I was going to post this but she beat me to it. I grew up on a household where bickering and meanness was tolerated. My mom used to say that the insults that flew my way were "terms of endearment." I hated it and decided that there had to be a better way. My kids genuinely like eachother and enjoy spending time with eachother. My boys are eachother's best friends. My mom has commented that she is surprised that my kids get along so well and I tell her that learning to get along is the most important skill I could ever teach.

[abbeyej]

I just wanted to make sure you knew I wasn't trying to say YOUR kids do that. We were teenagers and the idea of writing a "love letter" to our sibling was just..... well....... yeah.

 

Oh, I get that. :)

 

And I don't call it a "love letter" to my *kids* either. To them, I call it "a list". ;) I can see how the term would be especially irksome to teenaged kiddos.

 

On the other hand, I often remember times when what united my brother and me was our annoyance with our mom! I'm not saying I want to "antagonize" my children at all (and I often remind them not to antagonize each other!), but if, occasionally, that's what they need to unite them (and overall we have a strong relationship that can withstand occasional annoyance on either side), well, I'm okay with that. :)

[Blue Hen]

AMEN! AMEN! I was going to post this but she beat me to it. I grew up on a household where bickering and meanness was tolerated. My mom used to say that the insults that flew my way were "terms of endearment." I hated it and decided that there had to be a better way. My kids genuinely like each other and enjoy spending time with each other. My boys are each other's best friends. My mom has commented that she is surprised that my kids get along so well and I tell her that learning to get along is the most important skill I could ever teach.

 

:iagree: Learning to get along is the most important SKILL I can ever teach!! :iagree:

 

You also so described the house I grew up in too. Lerning to tolerate meanness from a sibling did not breed any desire for a lasting relationship. I have 4 siblings, chat once a year or so to 1 and consider 1 a friend----the other 2, no way will I ever see them again.

 

Carole

[Guest janainaz]

I just separate my kids when they start fighting. A certain amout of bickering is normal. If they can't get along, they have to go in their own rooms. I know they love each other, they stick up for each other when one is in trouble, and there are so many good little moments. I don't make a big deal about it, I just get them away from each other.

 

My dh pointed out that they are together ALL day EVERY day. Often my older ds9 needs some space from my younger ds4.5. I make time to do stuff with each of them individually, but also let my older one have some down time by himself.

 

My sister and I were the WORST when it came to fighting. It's a miracle my mother did not kill us and it's a miracle we did not kill each other growing up. It was BAD! There was a lot of jealousy and contention between us that went deeper than sibling rivalry. So, unless it's some deep issue, just do what it takes to make peace in the house.

[Rosie_0801]

My mother used to make us sit on the floor in the middle of the room and stare at each other until we got over it. We usually started laughing before it was over.

 

You had a nice mum! Mine would say "If this argument is that important you'll go and finish it outside. Oh, it's cold and raining is it? Well the argument isn't that important, clearly." Lucky we have mums to teach us these tricks, huh?

 

:)

Rosie

[Evergreen State Sue]

Our dd comes home from camp tomorrow. I talked to our ds about this issue explaining how peaceful it has been and how I would like that to continue when both of them are home. I asked him what he likes about his sister, or what he enjoys doing with her. NOTHING. He couldn't think of one thing. I pointed out how I have often heard her encouraging him in things and how they will play video games together. He only made negative comments.

 

I'm feeling like a bad mom. I hope I'm not too late in teaching this important skill. So far I think I have been teaching them to "tolerate meanness" because they haven't learned on their own to get along. (sigh)

[keptwoman]

OP, we notice exactly the same thing when one of our boys are away, the house is very peaceful!

 

We go through good and bad times with the squabbling and right now is a bad time and I'm very over it. We've just finished seeing a psychologist for some behavioural issues and those are completely sorted but we still have the bickering. Perhaps I should have worked through that with him too! At the moment we use time out for it but I'd like some other ideas.

 

Here's the plan ---- run to the book store and pick up the book Siblings without Rivalry: How to help your children live together so you can live too.

 

Next, come home and read the book from cover to cover. Implement suggestions in the book. Finally, place book in the bathroom and continue to read it for years to come.

Thank you, I've just put it in my Book Depository cart!

 

I'm afraid I'm simply not above using that tactic though. ;)

 

There are times when having the kids temporarily annoyed with me, but united in their annoyance, and transformed from bickering to giggling and plotting together... Well, when all that is worth it. They get over their annoyance with me, and ultimately their bond with their sibling is better.

 

But yes, with that particular technique (writing a letter listing the sibling's good qualities), it may help that we've done that occasionally since they were old enough to have differences of opinions (even when I had to do the writing for one of them).

I think that tactic sounds great too.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

I have a friend who spent many years not talking to her sister. After they made peace, they tried to sort out why they didn't work out their problem when it first happened. They realized that every time they had a fight when they were growing up, their mom would send them to their separate rooms and they never had to work through their problems.

 

I decided to do the opposite. :D Anytime my boys fight, they have to sit on the sofa together until they are friends again. Sometimes it just takes a minute or two before they are giggling. Sometimes they take longer. As they've gotten older, they are actually talking through some of their problems. I don't direct this or guide this other than saying, "Get back on the sofa" if one of them tries to leave before they are truly done.

 

(Oh, and if one of them is a little too hot under the collar, I allow a walk around the house or out into the woods for a few minutes before sofa time.)

[johnandtinagilbert]

 

I wish I had started earlier. I think it will be harder now that they are hitting the teenage years. One child has some sensory issues and doesn't like a lot of noise while the other one seems to need to make noise even if it is singing, playing the piano, or banging dishes while emptying the dishwasher. One child is very smart, loves to answer questions or ask new ones. The other one is quiet and you have to pull answers out of him. They are just soooo different. The only time I've seen them in agreement is when they are hiding something from me, and I don't want to encourage deception.

 

We all feel this way about something or another. Don't let that sway you into believing it must stay this way forever. Better late, than never. Get the book and use it. Ultimately, all these answers rely on your direction to teach them they can get along. It Does Not Have To Be This Way. Your efforts can make a difference.

 

Be encouraged. :grouphug:

[johnandtinagilbert]

I have a friend who spent many years not talking to her sister. After they made peace, they tried to sort out why they didn't work out their problem when it first happened. They realized that every time they had a fight when they were growing up, their mom would send them to their separate rooms and they never had to work through their problems.

 

I decided to do the opposite. :D Anytime my boys fight, they have to sit on the sofa together until they are friends again. Sometimes it just takes a minute or two before they are giggling. Sometimes they take longer. As they've gotten older, they are actually talking through some of their problems. I don't direct this or guide this other than saying, "Get back on the sofa" if one of them tries to leave before they are truly done.

 

(Oh, and if one of them is a little too hot under the collar, I allow a walk around the house or out into the woods for a few minutes before sofa time.)

 

Fortunately, dh saw this early on and we always sent them to work it out, "Brothers work things out. Brothers love each other. Brothers are a team." We even duck taped them together once, like a 3-legged race. They went from flamin' hot to crackin' up and enjoying all the silliness. I believe togetherness is the key!

 

I think, you just can't allow there to be an option other than getting along. It's not like you let them choose to smoke cigarettes -- it simply not an option. Why make this any different.

[johnandtinagilbert]

Our dd comes home from camp tomorrow. I talked to our ds about this issue explaining how peaceful it has been and how I would like that to continue when both of them are home. I asked him what he likes about his sister, or what he enjoys doing with her. NOTHING. He couldn't think of one thing. I pointed out how I have often heard her encouraging him in things and how they will play video games together. He only made negative comments.

 

I'm feeling like a bad mom. I hope I'm not too late in teaching this important skill. So far I think I have been teaching them to "tolerate meanness" because they haven't learned on their own to get along. (sigh)

 

OK. From the home schooling sisterhood....STOP (yeah, I'm loud) beating yourself up. This is not helping. You recognize things need to be different. Apology accepted. Now get to readin' and fix this. It's not too late, unless you convince yourself it's hopeless.

 

You Can Do This. It isn't reasonable for you to expect ds to give a wonderful list. Try asking him the same ??? after working on this for a month. Do not send yourself to your room to fix a problem that needs your presence to be corrected. Just git 'er done!:grouphug::D

[Etkids]

Last week our 13yods was at camp and this week our 12yodd is at camp. Life around here has been so much more peaceful with only one kid at home. These kids are total opposites and one or the other will either do something or say something that will irritate the other. In the past I've talked to them separately or together about being kind to the other even before they get out of bed and by the time they are at the breakfast table "something" is said or done that starts the bickering.

 

I need a plan for when dd comes back. Taking away privileges like video games or youth activities hasn't really worked and they are too old for the naughty chair. Any suggestions?

 

:grouphug: I feel your pain as I could have wrote that myself! We pick up our dd today from camp. As much as I can't wait for her to come home I to have to say it's been mighty peaceful. That's so terrible to say & weighs heavy on my heart everytime it's thought about.

 

I want to thank the OP that mentioned Siblings w/o Rivarly. I think I am going to buy it and see if there is anything I can apply to our lives today and hope that it's not to late.

[Quad Shot Academy]

Just a different point of view, but I did not like Siblings w/o Rivalry. :) I read it a couple years ago, so I can't remember much about it, but I do remember that a main theme was letting the kids work it out on their own. I found it led to manipulation, bribery and threats, especially on the part of the oldest. I think children need solving conflicts modeled to them. I could have missed a bunch of good stuff in the book though!

[Frontier Mom]

Though mine still have their moments, these are a few things we have concentrated on:

 

From a very young age, we have always instilled in our children that they are each other's best friend. We don't allow them to say anyone outside the family is their best friend but only each other. We ask them about this often.

 

When we have lots of outside influences, we notice our dc's argue more. We try to do most things as a family and limit outside influences. Not to say we don't do things outside the family, because we play sports, attend church, etc. but we try to limit outside friendships. Most of their friends are multiple children and we get together with everyone, not one on one. That way, one child doesn't seem more "popular" than another.

 

Hope you get some great advice.

[Dirtroad]

Make them SERVE each other. They have to do things/chores for each other. You will have to do this and be stern b/c it isn't coming natural to them. Since they aren't already engaged in such behavior, you are going to have to "retrain" them and they will resist.

 

They should also have to share some tasks like washing dishes, sorting laundry, etc.

 

Do not allow them to ignore the other. They can't put on headsets or text or just not answer. They must acknowledge each other.

 

If they argue while sharing tasks or helping each other.... I add to the chore list AND/OR remove FUN things that are coming for the day. Ex. NO computer game time if you gripe over dishes. Another ex. Gripe over trash to can... then clean the sink & toilet too. If you are CONSISTENT... they will hush quickly to prevent further chore duty.

 

MAKE THEM SHARE A BEDROOM (if same sex) and BATHROOM regardless. We, as parents, work so hard to give them loads of space, stuff & privacy.... it actually tends to allow them to "hole up" and avoid others too much.... not really isolation issues... just not being in the group & learning COOPERATION.

 

It is tough... but you can do it & society will be greatly blessed by the fruit of your hard labors!

 

Also, the thing about 'best friends" is right on! We always remind them that the world willl try to EAT YOU UP and home is NOT the place for such mistreatment. WE may disagree... we are not all the same... but this is HOME... this is a REFUGE from the wicked, condemning, hard old world. Don't tolerate insults & being disrespectful to each other. Friends come & go... family is forever!

[Danestress]

Ultimately, I want my children to genuinely love each other. The feelings are important.

 

But in this situation, I think I would stop trying to get my kids to feel the way I think they should and just demand that they *behave* the way I expect in my home. Forget about your son needing to like something about his sister. Tell him he can feel however he wants about her, but that he will treat her with kindness and respect at all times, period.

 

It seems to me that no good can come from letting a child think that how he feels about someone should dictate how he treats that person.

[afeminame]

Wow. I like a lot of the suggestions made to cut out the fighting. It usually drives me crazy.