Spoiling babies, bashful babies...

[PeterPan]

I admit it, I hold him through all his naps. And he sleeps with me at night. And he gets held any time he wants it during the day. He crawls like the wind and is down any time he wants to be to play and explore, but he just seems to sleep better when held. He also seems sort of bashful or reserved with new people, which my dd (10) never was. My theory was that if I put into his bank now with all this contact, it will make him strong and more confident to overcome his shy/introvert tendencies. At least that's my idea. Is that crazy? It seemed to work with dd, but she's an outgoing person naturally. Am I crazy to think I'm seeing introvert tendencies in a 7 month old?

 

Partly I'm holding him so much for me. Not only is it convenient (I can type while holding him, etc.), but I waited 9 1/2 years for him! This first year is flying by so quickly. It's hard to believe he's almost 8 months already. Surely he'll start napping without me at some point, just by virtue of getting older or too big?

 

Any stories of introvert/bashful babies and how you dealt with them? He just seems to need longer to warm up to people. He's very confident when he wants to go to someone, but when he doesn't want to go, he really doesn't want to go!

[WishboneDawn]

Yes, you're crazy but that's just part of motherhood. :D

 

As far as I'm concerned babies were either designed or evolved to be held. Otherwise they wouldn't be so dependent and so darn pleasurable to snuggle with.

 

I think you just need to trust your son on this. There is no good reason, at 8 months, to try and make him more outgoing so simply let him lead and give him what he needs right now. Keep him stress free and happy (and yourself!) and put the worries about shyness away for a good 5 or 6 years at least.

[my3starsofthesea]

I don't think you can spoil children with too much love ;) I say hold them as long as you can. They grow up way too quick!

[Impish]

Keep trusting yourself as his mother, and following his cues. What more could anyone possibly ask for?

 

I remember with Diva, she was a very heavy baby. I took her to the pediatrician, because my mother was giving me a really hard time about her weight, telling me I needed to quit nursing her so much, give her water instead, she needed a diet. She had me so upset that I took Diva to the ped, thinking that I was a single mom, who was with her child 24/7...if there WAS an issue, I would be the last to see it. He asked me what her eating schedule was like, what she was eating, how much, etc. I told him, "I nurse her whenever she wants. I tried to offer her rice cereal, but she doesn't really like it, and prefers to nurse, so I keep nursing her." He looked at me gravely and said, "You're listening to your baby. What a novel concept!" and laughed. He told me I was doing everything right, and anyone that thought a six month old baby needed a diet either needed a hobby or a long look in the mirror :lol:

 

All of that to say, follow your baby's cues. As long as you're following his cues, you won't go wrong. :001_smile: Enjoy him!

[abbeyej]

OE, my ds couldn't sleep without touching another human for most of his first year of life. It wasn't my plan, and it wasn't what my second child needed (she was far happier in her own crib), but it was just what *he* needed at the time. He started napping without me towards the end of that first year (I don't remember exactly how many months), and transferred to his own toddler bed around 21 months (when I was pregnant with #2 -- he'd have stayed in our bed longer, if allowed, but he was also old enough that we transitioned him fairly smoothly).

 

Anyway, both kids are old now, and sleep in their own beds. They shared a room until recently, and dd is the one who has struggled a little with the transition to having her own room. Ds was more than happy to have his space to himself. :)

 

I wouldn't assume too much about personality based on your little guy's appearance of being a wee bit reserved at this age. 7-8 months is prime time to develop a bit of separation anxiety, and wariness of people outside the family. Doesn't mean he'll be that way forever.

[PeterPan]

Abbey, that's interesting about your ds and the touch thing. And yes, it's really striking to see the differences, now that I have two! Dd, a definite extrovert, used to get so wound up at family gatherings and things we'd have to give her Calm Child to get her to sleep. Baby is just the opposite, playing for a while and then coming to beg me to put him to sleep. The convention totally zonked him out with the excitement, so he was an angel, sleeping in the stroller or hanging out in my sling. So that's why I'm thinking it's personality, not just separation anxiety. He's actually pretty confident, going off with dh or dd while I disappear. He just takes a while to get to know people and is more reserved. It's the difference in the way they handle groups though that I thought was so striking and might be revelatory. Dd did things as a youngster that we didn't realize were her till later. We're having fun now, watching ds and trying to guess. :)

 

Wishbone, you're right. I hadn't thought of it that way, but being reserved at age 1 or 2 wouldn't bother me as much as 7. I'll give it time.

 

We're just having such a joyous time with him overall. I'd keep doing this till 50, if I had them 10 years apart each time! Hehe... (And at the rate I'm going, that's what it will be.)

 

You all are right. I trusted my gut with dd, and she has turned into a pleasant human being. It will probably turn out fine with ds too. It's just amazing how DIFFERENT they are!

[PeterPan]

Btw Abbey, what rattles me with the sleep thing is that he used to sleep in his pen (crib) or cradle really well. But the more I held him, the less he would stay in there. But it may be a natural progression of sleep (lighter, heavier), I don't know. If I hold him he takes LONG naps, and if I nurse him down or put him down, he sleeps only a short while. At night he definitely prefers to be right there with me, though he'll still go for long jaunts sometimes.

 

Maybe the teething is the issue? I know it was getting him at night (he's getting 4 at once), but maybe for naps too? Well that actually could be it. It seems like he sleeps very lightly for naps, hence waking up. Duh, could be the teeth. I was afraid I had spoiled him, always holding him, and undone his willingness to just sleep solidly in a crib or cradle.

[Pink Fairy]

I think babies can and do display their temperments early on. I have children who are outgoing, children who are shy, children who are stubborn, children who are easy going, and so on. Of course a few of these are combinations--I just have the five, you know.;)

 

Anyway, every single one of these temperments was there right at the start. For example, my youngest dd refused to be held by anyone other than my dh or myself from about 6 weeks on. To this day, she is still not entirely comfortable around strangers. On the other hand, my oldest dd is extremely social, and as a baby always flirted and smiled and tried to make eye contact with everyone around her.

 

I think you sound like a great mom who has been blessed with a snuggly baby. How wonderful! :001_wub:

[cillakat]

My theory was that if I put into his bank now with all this contact, it will make him strong and more confident to overcome his shy/introvert tendencies. At least that's my idea. Is that crazy? It seemed to work with dd, but she's an outgoing person naturally. Am I crazy to think I'm seeing introvert tendencies in a 7 month old?

 

Nope. Not crazy. Temperment is the most genetically defined component of personality....

 

How long he takes to warm up in situations is really just part of who he is. It's hardwiring.

 

K

[Impish]

The only thing I'd suggest is that you might investigate a sling if you don't have one already. ;)

[PeterPan]

Oh yes, he LOVES the sling, actually laughs when I put him in! And yes, he's snuggly. He's outwardly affectionate, reaching to dh, kissing, etc., which is interesting too. Dh laughed at first, when I suggested ds was trying to kiss us (this was months ago), but now it's obvious and so sweet! So yes, he's just a snuggler, and he likes his sling. :)

[PeterPan]

Mamabegood--I appreciate you saying that! My first dc is, um, shall we say naturally stubborn. I took some flack with implications it was my fault, blah blah, so now it's interesting to see how DIFFERENT ds is! He's tractable, crying at the mere threat of a no. It's just amazing after 10 years of something different. ;)

[skaterbabs]

DD was a year old before she let BIL #4 hold her; she was almost TWO before I could make a quick grocery store trip and leave her with DH. We had exactly ONE person I could leave her with, a friend from church. She cried and cried with anyone else, including Grandma, who she saw on a regular basis (we're very close with DH's family.)

 

Just ask anyone who spent two seconds with her in Williamsburg at the conference - she's extremely outgoing and verbose now. :tongue_smilie: I really don't think you need to worry on that score.

 

 

She was held (or slung) for her first three years. She didn't walk until she was 15 months, but she was really fast with this crabwalk crawl thing, was sitting unassisted at 5 mos and at 6 mos was pulling herself to standing and cruising (and I have photos to prove it.) She rolled over the first time the day she was born, and was able to pretty much do it whenever she got mad enough:glare: from then on. It took us about 6 weeks to figure it out - I distinctly remember yelling at her brothers for poking at her only to discover she'd rolled HERSELF over and they were in the basement playing video games. To this day her gross motor skills are ranging from 6 mos to a year ahead of her chronological age.

 

 

Ignore those who are telling you to put him down.

[Jennifer in MI]

Keep trusting yourself as his mother, and following his cues. What more could anyone possibly ask for?

 

I remember with Diva, she was a very heavy baby. I took her to the pediatrician, because my mother was giving me a really hard time about her weight, telling me I needed to quit nursing her so much, give her water instead, she needed a diet. She had me so upset that I took Diva to the ped, thinking that I was a single mom, who was with her child 24/7...if there WAS an issue, I would be the last to see it. He asked me what her eating schedule was like, what she was eating, how much, etc. I told him, "I nurse her whenever she wants. I tried to offer her rice cereal, but she doesn't really like it, and prefers to nurse, so I keep nursing her." He looked at me gravely and said, "You're listening to your baby. What a novel concept!" and laughed. He told me I was doing everything right, and anyone that thought a six month old baby needed a diet either needed a hobby or a long look in the mirror :lol:

 

All of that to say, follow your baby's cues. As long as you're following his cues, you won't go wrong. :001_smile: Enjoy him!

 

WOW! You have a wonderful pediatrician!

 

I wouldn't assume too much about personality based on your little guy's appearance of being a wee bit reserved at this age. 7-8 months is prime time to develop a bit of separation anxiety, and wariness of people outside the family. Doesn't mean he'll be that way forever.

 

This is what I was thinking - 7 - 8 months is the time when separation anxiety comes about. It'll get better!

 

I firmly believe, like you, that if you listen to your child when they are younger (hold, feed, put down when they want/need), that they will be more independent when they are older. My three older boys were all that way and were confident without me by around age 2 or so. This youngest one of mine has thrown me for a loop, however! She is by far the biggest introvert of the bunch and as of a month ago, she wouldn't leave my side in church or let me leave her in the church nursery. We'd try every couple weeks, but it wasn't happening! I was starting to question myself! She was just SO dependent (she's nearly 3 1/2).

 

Well, two weeks ago, she walked into the nursery and told me that I could leave now! And I did and she was fine!!! It was HUGE! I believe that if I had tried to push her into this earlier, it would've backfired in a major way and made her even clingier in the long run. You wouldn't believe the difference in her in other areas - just in this last couple weeks! Some of it isn't good - she now runs away from me in stores and finds it funny. But, she'll walk up to people and say hi! She's just so much more independent and, believe it or not, I'm almost sad about it!

 

Anyway, the sling and then the Ergo was my best friend for a long time. I still actually wear her in the Ergo on long days out.

 

Phew - that was long! All that to say - you are a GREAT mom!! Enjoy your little one while he's still little. Soon he'll be pushing you away - embarassed by a kiss or your wanting to hold his hand as you walk.

[SonshineLearner]

Look at some cultures....slings, mai teis, some sort of wraps that hold baby to mama (or other caring person) look at us...plastic... I slung my babies...or Ergo'd them until they were 3-4. I was looking at my 5 year old...in our bed last night...and my husband...who had just come home...said, "I like him here". He sleeps with us for 2 weeks and then when his sisters come for 2 weeks...he sleeps with the 13 year old...(and runs to our bed in the am, sometimes). He really just likes the touch aspect. I believe it's healing...of all the days up and downs. It's only in Countries that people think of themselves as "progressive" that bars are for children. (Now, yes...I used them too sometimes:-) I think nursing(even with a bottle) are all part of the good life for children.

Carrie:-)

[MamaT]

Of my six, two were the way you describe your baby. They are still more on the introvert side, even though they have the skills to interact with others well and in group settings when they have to. It just wears them out a bit. These two are happiest when activities involve our family only. I do think it is personality. Babies have to feel secure, and it's our job to make sure they do. You can't spoil a baby, or hold one too much, or love one too much!

 

Now that all mine are older, I miss that baby time. Have fun and enjoy your little one while you can.

[Delighted3]

I say, "Hold the baby as much as you want." The time passes quickly, so if you're happy and baby is happy, that's what counts. Well, Daddy is allowed a say, too:), but you know what I mean.

Joy

[Karen sn]

Well, I bet your baby ain't got no flat head!

Seriously.

I can't get over all the people who act like it's so awful to hold babies.

I want to tell them, "Sorry....my baby has a beautiful shapely head and yours does not.

So, thanks for the advice about spoiling.

Unfortunately we're vain.

I do hope that by the time is is 18 he is napping in his own bed.

Children can be so difficult."

 

My baby is like yours.

He sleeps when I am there.

If he wakes up and sees me he will go back to sleep.

If not, he is wide awake.

 

He naps in my arms or in bed with me while I read.

He sleeps with me at night.

He is my only boy and my dd is 11.

I know that he shall move beyond this and one day sleep on his own and eventually with his wife.

For now - he's all mine.

And as much as it can be overwhelming at times, I know this too shall pass.

 

Enjoy your kid.

"Spoiled" is what happens when children (like food) are left alone too much.

[Heather in Neverland]

You hold that baby any time you want for as long as you want. :grouphug:

[Storm Bay]

My middle dd was very bashful and very much a mommy's girl for years. At 11 she is bold and outgoing, very social. She is still very much a homebody in some ways; she loves going on holidays, but is the only child actually happy to be home again when it's over. She didn't nap in my arms, but she certainly coslept with me at least part of each night until she was 18 months old, when I had to wean her because it was too much for me to be pregnant and nursing (we're all different, but I had no energy left for my eldest, etc).

[Impish]

WOW! You have a wonderful pediatrician!

 

 

 

 

I *did*, lol...we've moved across country since. That particular fellow was from East Indian, raised in Europe, and I think that was a big part of it. He had a very baby centred perspective when it came to little ones. He suggested using slings before they really became 'fashionable', very down to earth and approachable in everything. I can remember talking to him about the differences in North American culture, and he felt that in general, North Americans were too focused on trying to make children independant far too early. He supported the family bed and co-sleeping too. It was neat, because he 'supported' things, but didn't push them.

[abbeyej]

Oh, I certainly didn't mean to imply that aspects of a child's personality aren't there from the beginning. Certainly they *are*, some of them, and others, while they may develop differently than we *expect* (looking at an 8mo and imagining what their personality will be like at 8 or 18), it's often possible to look back and see that a thread of what is there with an older child was always there...

 

But *simply* with regard to a 7 or 8mo preferring Mom to people outside the family, I think that's very likely developmental, and not *necessarily* a sign of personality.

 

And while kids certainly have personality traits as infants -- things that have nothing to do with our parenting! -- I'm also leery of assigning too much meaning to that, too many words, when they're young. I think sometimes we begin to think of a child as being a certain way, and we unconsciously limit them or reinforce certain qualities that may have been our own misinterpretations... In some cases, labels are absolutely helpful and necessary -- but in other cases, we begin to think of and refer to a child as "shy" or "stubborn", etc, and inadvertently reinforce something that may truly have been a fleeting phase, or simply one aspect of a larger personality trait... So I'm just hesitant to decide that an infant or toddler is "shy" or "rebellious" or "cautious" or "outgoing" or "reserved" or anything else, when what I'm seeing isn't really a whole picture yet.

 

But absolutely they come with their own personalities, and what we do as parents is, well, maybe less impactful than we sometimes imagine. ;)

[Jill- OK]

I say, "Hold the baby as much as you want." The time passes quickly, so if you're happy and baby is happy, that's what counts. Well, Daddy is allowed a say, too:), but you know what I mean.

Joy

 

 

I'm with Joy. :-)

 

Seriously...there's plenty of time to work out separation anxiety issues, or even personality ones, if he's "too" introverted.

 

Babies are meant to be held, cuddled and loved. And, don't tell anyone...but I think it's good for them to sleep with you, if you can both rest that way.

 

Our "baby" is, well...still a little spoiled, lol...but the whole family (older sisters, too) is responsible, not just me. And it's not a bad case. ;-)

[Laura Corin]

Calvin was slow to warm up to people for most of his first eight years or so and I didn't push it. He got all the cuddles and support he seemed to need. He's really coming into his own now and I'm glad I didn't force the issue earlier.

 

Laura

[Mommyof4ks]

I have three kids, and I held all of them alot as babies (my oldest did not like it but I did it anyway). It did not make a bit of difference in their personalities. My 1st and 3rd are rather shy and my 2nd is very outgoing. My 2nd never wanted to be held while he was sleeping nor did he want anyone invading his bed while he was asleep lol. It is just who they are and always have been. My humble opinion is love 'em as much as they will let you, because it won't be long before they don't even want a hug unless it is on their terms *sigh*.

 

Follow you instincts!

[MommyJo]

I think it's normal!

My first son was very outgoing from day one, screamed every hour of life in his first year (or so it seemed) and even now is still very strong willed and knows what he wants. My second was the opposite from day one. As a baby he never cried, never was upset and like you I held him constantly. It seems, unlike my first son, this was something he wanted. He was very timid around others as well and quite shy in general. I was okay with it though. He's now 3 and is VERY sweet to others. He loves strangers and he would give his last toy if it would make someone happy. I think it's just the difference in personalities. I have heard it so commonly that if the first one is very strong willed that the next in line will be the opposite and he is! Our 3rd son is just like the first with a mix of shyness. All in all, they will all be normal by their own definitions and I'm glad they are all different....it wouldn't be any fun if they were all the same. Anyways, don't worry about it and for all those experts that say you can spoil a baby....they are nuts! I held my oldest all through his first year of life and also my 3rd son. They are far from spoiled brats. Instead, they are more well rounded and they are very comfortable knowing that they are VERY loved. I think it builds their self confidence.

[PeterPan]

Abbey, that makes a lot of sense, thanks! :)

 

And thanks everybody for your words of encouragement. I'm feeling recharged and confident again! :)

[linders]

First DS (now 8) was attached to me like glue the first 3 years. He would barely tolerate others holding him, and after 2 memorable times when I tried to leave him with dear friends for an hour (doctor's appointments) and he wailed the whole time, I quit trying to leave him at all. Friends said I was (a) spoiling him or (b) hindering his move towards independence or © warping his social skills.

 

He now has no problem going off to activities alone, staying with others, etc., and actually seems more confident doing so than some of his peers. He is an introvert in the "needs alone time to recharge" way, but loves playing with others as well. And he and I are still close - just last night he woke me after a bad dream and asked me to come lay with him. I did, because I know there will come a day when he won't ask.

 

Hold that baby (and give him an extra snuggle for me)!

[PeterPan]

Linders-what a sweet story, thanks! :)

[dirty ethel rackham]

Abbey's right. All my babies had separation anxiety and wariness of people other than family around 6 months. I heard all the flap about how I was holding my babies too much, blah, blah, blah. Well, I have two boys who are very reserved and introverted (just like me at their age) and one daughter who is very extroverted. I think I held my daughter more because I knew she would be my last:). Interestingly enough, my MOST introverted son, was a somewhat extroverted preschooler:).

 

BTW, she is almost 9, has had her own room since she was 2, but still loves to hop in with me and snuggle.