IMHO, her behavior lets you off the hook for worrying about getting through to her. She's deliberately not going to get the message, so don't make that your goal. Your goal is to say the words. "Sorry, mil. As dh said, we're not going to be entertaining visitors for at least X weeks after the baby is born. (The President/God/pick a figure) could make a special trip just to come and see our baby, and we would tell him to come back in the spring. I understand that you wish it were different, but it's not. So....how has your fall been? " If she continues to push it, signal to a child who yells for you and say, "Sorry, I need to go." and hang up. Think of it as a game. She tries to get her way, and you respond. The way you win is to be calm and direct and say what you need to say. Don't argue. Don't explain. It is what it is. She will try to get you to crack and lose it with her. 'Cause then she's won. Be amused, like you would with a 2yo who wants ice cream for dinner. If you can't be calm with her, don't answer the phone when it's her. Have only dh answer her calls. If he gives the phone to a dc to speak with her and she asks to speak with you, instruct them to silently give it to dh instead.

I can't imagine my mil going into my purse for anything. Dh won't go into my purse unless I give him express instructions to do so. He was trained by his mom never to go in a woman's purse, so she definitely wouldn't go into mine. The only person I can imagine would do that is my dd. I'd be fine with her answering my phone from my purse, but she might be the only one. I have a few friends who would do it if I asked them to, but not on their own initiative.

Yes, that was me. I did say that I didn't know the reasons for the perceived behavior. I didn't know whether it was simply a matter of being taught not to interact with the non-Orthodox community or a attitude that others almost don't exist. Or the former carrying over into the latter. Or individual behavior or something else. Not the men; I understand that the men are not to speak to women. Wondering though: Is behavior encouraged that some might consider rude? I know that every culture has its own standard of polite behavior. In the South, it's normal to nod and smile to people you pass on the street. Certain gestures are rude to some cultures and not to others. So I do believe I may have been judging based on what I consider polite behavior. Understanding the cultural norms of the Orthodox community when interacting with others would help. I'm pretty sure I'm being unintentionally offensive so I apologize in advance, but I honestly want to understand. It always makes more sense to me when I hear another's perspective.

It might be time to do a study about all the different ways people have been and are educated. Perhaps if your dd has some facts under her belt about all the people that have been homeschooled (whether or not it was called that) and how public school is a fairly new phenomenon, she will be able to either respond ("It's really sad that your 'real' school doesn't allow you to learn as an individual like mine does.") or be confident enough to blow the other one off. Ds18 always got the opposite: "Wow, you must be really smart to do that." That was just about as confusing as the assumption that he must be stupid.

We lived near a large Hassidic community in NJ. Striped shirts were not common there, so maybe it was typical just for that particular group. As far as the children not speaking to your girls, we did feel like they discouraged interaction with people who were not members of their community. For the younger children, it may well have been a language issue. However, we also noticed adults acting as though no one else existed, so it may have been taught or modeled as well. Sometimes to the point of rudeness--cutting you off in a parking lot, pointedly not moving aside to let you through an aisle--but not always. I never could figure out whether it was simply a matter of deliberately staying apart from non-Hassidics or whether it was almost an arrogance. Of course it varied from person to person, but the prevailing behavior was definitely non-interaction.

Our favorites are Hawaiian (ham and pineapple) and BBQ (pulled pork bbq, bbq/pizza sauce, mozza and monterey jack cheese).

My boys did that when they were younger. I have a video (yep, that long ago!) of The Great Bank Robbery they did at my mom's. Complete with some of the funniest commercials. We bring it out occasionally to embarrass them!

I am cautiously pro-vaccine. Ditto.

I'm 48, and I can remember getting the smallpox vaccine and the polio sugar cubes in elementary school. They also did something where they hooked us up to leads like an EKG, and in middle school everyone was checked for scoliosis.

My sil just moved in July from VA to OR. She packed almost everything herself and contracted with a national moving company to load, store and unpack. Their house in VA was a 3br with no basement, and she did quite a bit of purging ahead of time. It cost in the $8-10k range, if I remember right.

I am quick to apologize. Dh, I think, feels that an apology indicates that he acted purposely and maliciously to hurt someone. He's quick to apologize once he realizes that he did something hurtful IF he knew it was hurtful.

That's horrible. I wish I could believe it was an isolated example. I am a conservative Christian. The church we just moved away from is a small congregation with no paid staff. Everyone works together to make things happen. The income pays for the mortgage (almost paid off!), utilities, supplies, and insurance. 10% comes off of the top to support a doctor in Central America. There are several elderly low-income members who are taken care of by people in the church in many small and large ways--getting them to and from appointments, advocating for them on medical issues, helping them with their bills, bringing them groceries, and making sure they have vital roles in the church. When anyone in the church has a financial or other issue, people are quick to jump in and help as much as they can. I wish it could work like that on a widespread basis. I have no problem giving and giving generously when I have some idea about where and how my money will help or at least if I have trust in the judgment of the organization receiving the money. I just don't have a lot of confidence that the government does a great job at it. A small church can make judgment calls on who to give money to whereas it's more difficult for the government. [When the caller who pleas for a little help because she can't feed her kids hangs up on the invitation to a church potluck where she'd likely be sent home with tons of leftovers, that's a clue that she might only be looking for the easy handout. And we always deliberately told them they could come after the service and told them what time lunch would start.] I don't know what the solution is. My personal solution is to try to help where and how I can. I look for places to give where I can have some confidence that the money is getting to those who need it.

It's been random. When the dc were younger, dh sometimes did the readaloud while the boys cleaned the kitchen. He also helps the dc with biology dissections because he's better at it than I am. He did a short course on marketing with ds18 because that's his thing.

We just had a humorous discussion about this at our house. Dh was chagrined to realize that I must be smarter because I work out of the house none and make 100% of what he makes. :D It's all our money. When we were both earning salaries, it was all ours. When I was the only one, same thing. Now that he is the only one, it's still all ours. Maybe the comments are meant to reflect the notion that dh might have no day-to-day participation in hsing, but the fact that he earns enough for the dw to stay home and hs is part of the equation that makes it all work.

Depends on what our current 'means' are! When we've been financially tight, we kept a tight eye on our expenses and didn't spend much (sometimes none) we didn't have to. That included $0.50 for a Coke at work. We kept track of every bit of cash we spent (the non-cash is always tracked) so we knew where it was going and what could be cut. In general, the things we don't much do when we need to watch our spending: Eat out. Impulse buy. Go to movies. Buy anything from a convenience store. Go to high admission price outings (amusement parks, etc.) It probably helps that we don't smoke, drink coffee or (much) alcohol. It hurts me physically to see one friend who has serious financial issues buying coffee out daily. Not just when she has to have a fix and is no where near home. Her dh has gone out to pick up coffee for her to bring back home. Not to pick on that, but I just can't even wrap my head around it. I think being frugal is an awareness of the cumulative cost of not denying yourself what you want right now.

Teens at our small nondenominational church are vital members. They are more than half of the worship band, run the multimedia, teach children's classes, collect the offering, and a slew of other things. My teens know that, if they don't show up on Sunday, something doesn't get done. The only ones not in the full service every week are the ones that are actively teach a class during the message time. Their regular times for socializing include twice-monthly potlucks after the service, weekly youth group, and weekly music practice for those on the worship team. Are there musical teens at your church who would be interested in putting together a band to lead congregational singing a couple of times a month?

You nailed it! Sorry, but it's definitely an endurance event. Who can outlast, who can stand strong, who will not give up. My oldest is over-the-top strong willed. He told me a few years ago that sometimes he just wanted to do what he wanted to do and that he was willing to take the punishment in exchange for getting his way for a moment. He said that what we did worked as well as anything could have. Mostly, we made our expectations very clear, as well as the consequences for deliberately making what we defined as a bad choice. We tried to not get angry about it when he did make a bad choice, just matter-of-factly invoked the punishment he knew he was getting. Be consistent. Find his currency. Praise good choices. Invoke pre-determined consequences for bad choices. Create opportunities for him to practice making the choice between good and bad.

I would say it's a combination of things. Partly, it's because we decided early on to live below our means. Because of that, we've generally had a decent cushion when an unexpected problem came up. When the financial cushion ran out at one point, we downsized dramatically, and dh cut and sold firewood to make our mortgage until then. So there's definitely a mentality of 'do what it takes.' We were married our first year of college, so that year probably set the stage for what we could do if we needed to. We had saved money to be able to get married while finishing school, but there wasn't any extra. No eating out, no buying clothes, nothing that wasn't a real necessity. Of course that standard has loosened as our income went up, but we know how go back to minimal spending. In general, we're really careful about any expenses that can't be cut easily. Mortgage is the big one, of course, but also cell phone plans (especially data plans) and car payments (haven't had one in many years). We'd be more likely to take a big vacation than sign up for another locked-in monthly cost. The dc know that we say no to buying things even if we have the money--that whether we have the money and/or can afford it isn't the deciding factor. We know lots of people who only say no if it's too expensive--then it becomes about the money vs. whether it's a wise purchase. On the 'out of our control' end of things.....we both came from divorced parents with no extra money, so we knew what it was like to live on little. We've been blessed with good health. No family inheritance or even financial help, but it wasn't ever expected either. We did both get good educations, but more importantly, I think, dh is really good at what he does and has an inner drive to do more/better. I still think the biggest thing is that we live below our means and are happy with what we have.

I googled "Irish, quotation, theater" and got this: The stage is not merely the meeting place of all the arts, but is also the return of art to life. Send quote to a friend Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) Irish poet and dramatist. I'd suggest now googling "Oscar Wilde, quotation."

Yes, low lying and relatively isolated from the rest of VA Beach. It's more like the Outer Banks which is also being evacuated.

I think it's fair to tell her that, although you recognize that there is a variety of valid ways in which this situation could be handled, you're going to have to insist that she either keep her ds from pulling your girls' hair or not bring him to your house. If that means her older dc doesn't participate, that's her call. You should plan on asking her to leave when it happens because it doesn't sound like she will choose to monitor her ds. "I'm sorry. As I said earlier, since the hair pulling is still happening, you're going to have to leave now." Psyche yourself up to lose some class time dealing with it. Maybe have an activity prepared that another parent can handle.

That's horrible. Even more horrible because of the circumstances. We just moved from NJ, and it is made very, very clear that 17yo drivers can not have more than one passenger in the car. They changed the law so that you can't even drive two of your younger siblings. I was amazed at how often that law was completely ignored by teens and parents both. It was inconvenient to do otherwise. My son could not drive his sister and her friend to a movie. He couldn't take his sister with him to pick up her friend to bring her to our house. It was inconvenient and I didn't always agree with it, but we dealt with it. I also know moms who pile extra teens into their van regularly. To me, it's not worth the risk of being one of those statistics. I feel for the parents of the driver.

For future reference, if you just want advice about how to handle a sensitive issue, don't give details that aren't necessary. If you really needed to talk to someone who knows the other family, you probably should have been much more discreet about how much information you shared and only given the minimum. So, yes, I do think you should apologize for discussing it with a 3rd party.

I think the best bet is camping while the basement gets made livable. You need something now and something kind of long-term. They don't have to be the same thing. Camping: Tent in a campground, cooking over a fire. Borrow a camper. Rent a cabin long-term (a month?). Finishing basement: Talk to the local churches to see if they would be able to help with the construction. (Where are you in CO? Might someone here know someone at a church that could help?)

Yes, and I wasn't sure of myself.