Lonely young mom (related to scheduling homeschool)

[PollyOR]

My dd is a young mommy whose husband is at school all day. She lives half an hour away and brings the grandkids for a visit once a week. She is lonely and needs to be here (depression?), but we get very little school done on that day. One of her sisters usually goes home with her for a couple of nights which means that particular child gets even less done over the course of the week.

 

How do we accomplish school with such big distractions (baby crying, toddler who needs constant supervision)? We have a small house without a school room. If I try to do lessons with the kids they have a hard time focusing. The toddler really is more fun than doing school :Angel_anim:. Should I move to a 4 day week? I could do that with the younger kids but I feel nervous about the highschool age dd. Should we school on Saturdays which is usually reserved for doing stuff with Dad?

 

Any suggestions?

 

Thanks! Polly

Edited August 26, 2009 by PollyOR

[Rosie_0801]

I don't know, but :grouphug: to your daughter. I know how she feels...

 

Rosie

[mazakaal]

Could she come over a couple of afternoons per week instead of one full day? Maybe you could be finished with school by 2pm on those days? Otherwise I would try to just plan for 4 day weeks. If you can't get everything done with the high schooler in 4 days, maybe plan a 4 1/2 day week for her and encourage her to get an early start that day so she can by done early to play with her nieces.

[Amber in AUS]

I too know that need to get_out_of_the_house! Little kids are busy people :)

 

Maybe a 4 day schedule would be better, then you can all enjoy a mid week day off. If that is really going to be too much then perhaps a few hours on a Sat wouldn't hurt.

 

Well done to you for seeing that your DD NEEDS you and that you are happy to help. Unfortunately my family are all too caught up in their own lives to even pick up the phone!

[Friederike in Persia]

Any chance of helping the oldest dd find some mums in a similar situation?

Even with her hanging out with you some of the time, the rest of her week must still be long and lonely. :grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

Any chance of helping the oldest dd find some mums in a similar situation?

 

We're hard to find. We're all at home online pretending not to exist.

 

It's nice to hear that someone has relatives who will help...

 

Rosie

[Friederike in Persia]

I can see your point Rosie!

I guess what I meant more was to find some sort of mums and toddlers group. If some other lonely mums could be part of that it would be a bonus.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I understand the desire to help your older daughter out. However, your main obligation is to your younger daughters to make sure they get their schooling in. I also believe that the time with your husband should be free time- marriage trumps all other priorities; and the kids should be able to have free time with their dad.

 

Maybe if you shorten the visits with oldest dd to about an hour at a time, a couple of times per week, you could do it over lunch or something like that.

 

I'm not there yet, and maybe that is why I feel as I do, but I really think that just as her (your oldest dd) main responsibility is to her husband and children, so is yours.

[Ibbygirl]

Found this. http://www.mops.org/page.php?pageid=70&srctype=menu Maybe she can plug into a MOPS group and be around other moms in the same situation.

 

I think it is great that you are there for her. 22 is so young to be married and have children I don't wonder that she probably feels alone and overwhelmed (depressed?) I think it is great that your oldest can still get comfort from her "mommy" and that you model motherly love to your other dc from the point of view of all stages. I think it's great that the younger ones can see that even if you are married and on your own, mommy is still there for you. Those are the types of things that create strong family bonds and that has a value also. Learning isn't all through books. Life teaches quite a few lessons herself. I think it's great that your other dc can be exposed to that type of learning too. As for practicality, I agree with the other poster about maybe having her come over in the afternoons so you can use the morning to school the other dc. And maybe enlist your 14 to help with the younger ones?? My dd loves to read to her younger brother and if a 4 day schedule is feasible for you to do, then why not? You get to spend time with your children and grandchildren and they get to spend time with you. People seem so disconnected these days I think it's great when a family can stay connected and close. Just my humble 2 cents. :) I wish you all the best. :grouphug:

[springmama]

what helped me the most when I was looking for friends was La Leche League. I swear those groups saved my life and nearly all of my best friends now came from that group. She can also join the MOMs Club (google that) and look around online for groups on her area. Sometimes there are meetup.com groups, yahoo groups, and message boards dedicated to moms in a particular region or city. She can join them and cultivate some real life friendships that way.

[Mom0012]

I would switch to a 4 day week for the younger children. Then, talk with the high school aged child and discuss the situation with her. She needs to get 5 days of work done, but if she wants to visit when her sister comes, she will need to finish on the weekend or the evening. Is your teen fairly independent?

 

I couldn't turn away my grown child when she clearly needed me, but I probably wouldn't send any of the kids home with her either if they had schoolwork to do. I think a once a week visit isn't unreasonable. I'm 40 years old and that's how often I like to see my parents.:)

 

Maybe you could also encourage her to participate in things like library storytime and programs at the local community center. That is how I made friendships when my children were small.

 

Lisa

[Harriet Vane]

We're hard to find. We're all at home online pretending not to exist.

 

 

 

Rosie

 

All too true . . . .:cheers2:

[Doodle]

... She can also join the MOMs Club ...

 

When Doodle was born, I was living out of state away from ALL family. I am introverted so it was extremely difficult for me to simple get us out and about. I didn't have any friends let alone know any other moms with young children. I joined a MOMs Club and it helped tremendously. Not only did I have places to go, but it also help me learn what kid and family friendly places there were in our new location.

[FourOaks]

I would really suggest a MOPS group if there is anything even remotely close for her. Let me know if you want to look and need help -- I can help you out with that.

[*********]

Polly, can I just say that you must be one teriffic mom! Seriously, I'd give almost anything if anyone (besides dh) cared that much about me, let alone my own mother. Seems most everyone in my family is either indifferent or out-right hostile. It's sad. Thank you for helping restore a bit of my faith in the human race. :001_smile:

 

I agree with some of the suggestions from pp's. I'd encourage your oldest dd to get involved in things like library storytime, or whatever other activities are in her area that appeal to her. I'm sure you can help her track these things down, if she needs help.

 

I also agree with switching your two youngest girls to a four day week. As for your 14yod, I'd have a talk with her. She's old enough to understand the situation. Ask her what she wants to do; how she would like to rearrange her schedule so that she can be 'off' when big sister, neice, and nephew come to visit. I'm sure the two of you can come up with a schedule that you both like and that works for your family.

 

And lastly, I LOVE the idea of another pp that if one of the younger girls goes to stay at big sister's house for a few days, then school goes with them. Talk to all your girls together (maybe next time your oldest dd comes to visit), and see if they can all agree to this. Make sure everyone understands that you want them to enjoy their time together, but that school is the younger girls' primary responsibility. If your oldest dd is a reasonable person (and I bet she is!), she'll understand, and be wililng to support you. If not, or if the younger girls have too much trouble concentrating on school work with the cute babies around, then sorry girls, no more visits for a while until everyone can follow the rules.

 

Again, I think it's just fantastic that you're so supportive of your grown daughter. It's so nice to see other parents who agree that our parenting doesn't stop when they turn 18 or move out. Blessings to you and your family. :)

[lionfamily1999]

OP - big hug. Thank you. Thank you for letting her visit and not sending her away. Thank you for being your dd's friend now that she's an adult.

 

Perhaps you could reach an understanding? Don't come till 2, so we can get our work done? Or you could put her to work teaching, lol, while you play with grand babies :)

 

 

We're hard to find. We're all at home online pretending not to exist.

 

It's nice to hear that someone has relatives who will help...

 

Rosie

:( Or trying to convince ourselves of that, anyway. Ever feel like it would be easier if you were schizophrenic and at least had someone to talk to :lol:

[cougarmom4]

Perhaps your oldest daughter could teach for a bit while you go play with the grandkids!

[PollyOR]

You all make me sound so nice. I wish ;). Believe me, I've done my fair share of grumbling about this situation. It happened last school year too. DD was an only child for 8 1/2 years, and I think she forgets that I have other children that I'm trying to care for also. She has always expected more of my time than the rest of them.

 

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions. I was absolutely wiped out after they left yesterday. At that point I knew something had to change. I appreciate you brainstorming with me.

 

Thankfully, another young mom came into dd's life several years ago and also moved to the same city she is living in. Their families enjoy hanging out together. DD does do story time at the library already. I'll drop hints about MOPS and MOMS Club and see if either of those is something she might feel up to. There are two MOMS club groups in her city :).

 

I've already talked to 14yo about my dilemma. She is very independent, so I know she'll do her part to keep up with her work (I need to go give her a hug!). I'll have to inform 11yo and 7yo that we may have to do a little work on Saturdays. Of course they'll moan and groan :D. I think relaxing and enjoying the day with oldest dd and her children will be better for us than stressing over what we're not getting done.

 

Thanks,

Polly

[Impish]

Perhaps your daughter could wait to visit until the wknd?

 

I just think its a bit unfair that the other kids have to work on a Saturday to accommodate their older sib. I'd explain to your eldest that the other kids work has to be done, and ask that she visits in either the late afternoon after its done, or on the wknds.

[PollyOR]

Perhaps your daughter could wait to visit until the wknd?

 

Her hubby/tag team partner is home on weekends which keeps her busy, so she doesn't need us then. I know it's not fair to the girls, but I hope they'll understand when they are young mommies feeling cooped up at home with babies. Truthfully, it will probably do them good to do a little school on Saturday. It's amazing what they forget between Friday afternoon and Monday morning :tongue_smilie:.

[Unicorn.]

What about telling her to make Friday afternoons her day to come over. That gives you a 4 1/2 day week. Then your 14 yo can go home w/ her, and come back on Sat. morning to be w/ dad and family. I would also encourage you/her to conact the local churches to find out if there is a MOPS group that she could join and meet new people. Ask people in your homeschool groups if they know of young moms w/ similar age kids for her to make friends. HTH and hugs to both of you!

[lionfamily1999]

OP, you are a super nice person. If I didn't have my mom for those times... I can't even imagine how low low low I would've gotten.

 

I did manage to arrange my visits to her schedule, though. I waited till 2 in afternoon, so she could have all morning to get the less important (than me, lol) stuff done.

[joannqn]

Help her find a MOPS group, MOMS Club, LLL (if she's nursing), or Meetup group or two to get involved in. It will help her get out of the house and meet other young moms in her area. As she finds activities and friends, she'll be less lonely and need you less often. Of course, it is awesome that you are aware of her needs and are trying to help her. A girl needs friends and her mom.

[Momofeat]

Would it work to have oldest dd help with the younger dc's schooling?

[LG Gone Wild]

My dd is a young mommy whose husband is at school all day. She lives half an hour away and brings the grandkids for a visit once a week. She is lonely and needs to be here (depression?), but we get very little school done on that day. One of her sisters usually goes home with her for a couple of nights which means that particular child gets even less done over the course of the week.

 

How do we accomplish school with such big distractions (baby crying, toddler who needs constant supervision)? We have a small house without a school room. If I try to do lessons with the kids they have a hard time focusing. The toddler really is more fun than doing school :Angel_anim:. Should I move to a 4 day week? I could do that with the younger kids but I feel nervous about the highschool age dd. Should we school on Saturdays which is usually reserved for doing stuff with Dad?

 

Any suggestions?

 

Thanks! Polly

 

Haven't read the responses but just wanted to rest your mind at ease about reducing to 4 days a week with a high schooler. I went to a very posh high school. We only did school 4 days a week. Wednesdays were reserved to volunteering, internships, team building, and job placement (it depended on what year a girl was).

 

Can't you put your eldest to work for you? Send her out to do your grocery shopping, yard work (so her little one can be noisy outside), housework so you have time freed up.

 

Don't put off day with Dad.

Edited August 26, 2009 by LG Gone Wild

[Terabith]

Well, could you just enlist your 22 year old to teach certain subjects on certain days? Give her a "real job" with a reason she needs to come over, make her feel needed and connected to the family, and help take some of the burden off your shoulders for everything? Good sibling bonding time, etc.

 

Your middle daughters are all old enough, could they rotate through "babysitting" times during the day? The seven yr old could even have a time where she plays with the toddler, and I imagine the baby sleeps a lot still. So there are times when your 22 yr old dd is watching her kids and you're schooling the others; times when she is schooling the others and you're playing with the grandkids; times when you and the 22 yr old are both teaching a subject one on one and the third little is babysitting, etc?

 

Maybe playing outside with the toddler and letting the baby crawl on grass or worn in a sling?

 

I'd also try to get your oldest hooked up with La Leche League or MOMS groups, etc, but I could see her coming over twice a week as a boon to all the kids (and you!), including the grandkids.

[Evergreen State Sue]

1. MOPS was a lifesaver for me. I hope she can find a group in her area.

 

2. Does your dd want to homeschool her children? This is good training for her. Your job as a mom isn't over. Teach her the necessity of being consistent with homeschooling. You will still enjoy your time together while she can share the teaching or overseeing what your children need to do for school. Plan a time where it is part school time and part social time - maybe later in the day.

[CherylG]

My dd is a young mommy whose husband is at school all day. She lives half an hour away and brings the grandkids for a visit once a week. She is lonely and needs to be here (depression?), but we get very little school done on that day. One of her sisters usually goes home with her for a couple of nights which means that particular child gets even less done over the course of the week.

 

How do we accomplish school with such big distractions (baby crying, toddler who needs constant supervision)? We have a small house without a school room. If I try to do lessons with the kids they have a hard time focusing. The toddler really is more fun than doing school :Angel_anim:. Should I move to a 4 day week? I could do that with the younger kids but I feel nervous about the highschool age dd. Should we school on Saturdays which is usually reserved for doing stuff with Dad?

 

Any suggestions?

 

Thanks! Polly

 

The greatest thing about homeschooling is the flexibility. When we had jr and high-schoolers and a baby and toddler; we just did a 4 day week but went year round. Knowing I wasn't in a sprint-to-the-end-of-the-year mentality, but a stroll-through-the-books mentality really help me let go of my type A need to finish everything by such-and-such but still work with my older kids and enjoy the little ones.

 

BTW: They are the most awesome big kids, too! The oldest daughter just asked the littlest to be her maid of honor. :001_smile: sorry-brag moment...I digress.

 

I would ask your 22 year old to encourage the one that goes with her, to do some of her work while she is having her visit. You can enlist her help and bear each other's burdens. She is old enough to understand that when your other child goes with her it affects her school time. She is a mom herself, she will understand your need for her to help you too.

 

Plus, for the younger daughter I would use that visit and the possibility of NOT getting to hang with her older sister as incentive for her to be extra productive on the days that it is just your family.

 

I agree with the person that said Dad=funtime-freetime; unless Dad likes teaching them something. Mine likes reading to them and telling stories...it's relaxing for him and fun for me to hear them giggle.

God bless you!! BTW: we have an under 1000 sq foot place-no schoolroom either.

[Rosie_0801]

:( Or trying to convince ourselves of that, anyway. Ever feel like it would be easier if you were schizophrenic and at least had someone to talk to :lol:

 

No. I wish I was beside myself so there was someone to hold the baby! Ah well, he'll grow.

 

Rosie

[Ibbygirl]

No. I wish I was beside myself so there was someone to hold the baby! Ah well, he'll grow.

 

Rosie

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

[lionfamily1999]

No. I wish I was beside myself so there was someone to hold the baby! Ah well, he'll grow.

 

Rosie

:lol: LOL

 

oh, thanks, that felt good ;)