Should I take DD to a wake & funeral?

[RoughCollie]

A boy in DD's class died in a car wreck last weekend, while he and his family were vacationing in Florida. DD knows him, but she is not friends with him.

 

His friends made a Facebook page in his memory. On it, they urge all the 8th graders to attend the boy's funeral because "the family needs their support".

 

We live in a small town of 16,000 people. At the wake, the line to get into the funeral home will stretch for blocks down the street. The church will be overflowing for the funeral. People will show up in droves to support the family.

 

I don't want DD to go. First, she has nothing suitable to wear and we are having severe financial problems right now, so even buying her clothes at Salvation Army would be a misuse of our funds.

 

Second, DD being there won't help the family. They do not know her, and this is not a show the flag, meet-and-greet type situation.

 

Third, I don't see how DD going to the wake and/or funeral will benefit anyone except it will stop certain classmates from asking DD why she was not there.

 

Fourth, I don't want to expose DD to funerals and wakes until it is necessary, especially one that will be extremely emotional due to the tragic, horribly sad circumstances. This is not like an elderly person died -- the child was only 13 years old.

 

Fifth, we are moving to PA in a month or two and we will never see any of the people who live in this town people again.

 

DD wants to go to the wake and funeral because she believes the family needs the 8th grade's support. Her heart is in the right place. She feels sad that the boy died, but she is not grieving for him as his family and closest friends are.

 

On Monday, April vacation will be over, DD will return to school, and the school will have grief counselors to assist the 8th graders in dealing with this, and lots of discussions about it in every class. DD is one of the few students who did not go to school with this boy for the past 8 or 9 years (if you include K).

 

I do not want to go at all. I see no purpose in it. What would you do?

 

Thanks for your help,

RC

Edited April 24, 2009 by RoughCollie

[Arch at Home]

I would let her go with a friend so that you don't have to endure the crowds. Have her wear her nicest outfit. Rural churches around here have very casual dress codes.

 

I actually think that funerals of people who the child is not particularly close to are a good way to start. They are able to watch what is going on in a semi-detached manner and not have to deal with their own emotions at the same time. By doing so they are ready when they attend a funeral of a significant loved one where the emotional stakes are much larger. I must couch this in the fact that I have taken my children to funerals at very young ages in part to prepare for the funeral of their grandfather when they were almost 2, 4, and 6.

[bettyandbob]

Yes. I too would see if she could hook up with a friend and I'd just have her wear the nicest clothes you can pull together from your family (a skirt from you, slacks from a brother, a polo shirt) or maybe she could borrow skirt from a friend. Unfortunately, I have been to more than one funeral for a teen. Such funerals tend to be incredibly large and some kids do show up in jeans, so you dd could probably wear jeans too.

[In The Great White North]

I would take her also, for her sake not the family's. They may not even realize she is there. She will have some shock,grief, disbelief, etc. at the death of a classmate, even if they weren't close. The funeral will help her handle it.

 

I would not buy new clothes for it, just make sure she is clean and neat.

 

The hard part of a funeral is the knowledge of the tragic death, that you will never see the person again, talk to them, that it really happened, etc. As parents, we all want to protect our children from death, grief, sadness, etc. The time comes eventually when that is no longer possible. Unfortunately, for you, that time is now. You can no longer protect her from what has already happened and she is already aware of. Now she needs to know how to handle it. All the funerals I have attended have helped in that area.

 

The fact that you are moving in a month makes it all the more important that she deal with this now, before the additional stress of the move hits her.

 

I think I would honor her wishes in this. She is 13 and is showing that she wants to deal with this as an adult, not a child.

 

HTH

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I actually think that funerals of people who the child is not particularly close to are a good way to start. They are able to watch what is going on in a semi-detached manner and not have to deal with their own emotions at the same time. By doing so they are ready when they attend a funeral of a significant loved one where the emotional stakes are much larger. I must couch this in the fact that I have taken my children to funerals at very young ages in part to prepare for the funeral of their grandfather when they were almost 2, 4, and 6.

 

 

ITA with this. When my MIL said it when dd was 2 or 3, I was skeptical so I checked with a psychologist who wholeheartedly agreed.

 

I can always think of reasons not to go to the funeral home. The best thing though is to just get in the car and go.

[Renthead Mommy]

If she feels wants to go, you need to let her go. It has nothing to do with supporting the family, it has to do with her need to want to go.

 

Being told, "You don't need to go. It won't make any difference to anyone, we can't do anythign for them." Doesn't answer the questions/fulfill the emotional needs of a young teen. All it basically does it make you think your mother thinks it's just too much trouble and bother and that she doesn't care what you feel or anything.

 

Not that I'm speaking from personal experience or anything.....:glare:

[mamaof2andtwins]

If she wants to go then let her. Outfits for funerals and wakes are not as formal as they once were, so having her wear a nice outfit would be fine.

 

We also have taken our children to funerals and wakes since they were young because we believe that death is a part of life and they need to understand that.

 

Jennie

[Danestress]

I personally wouldn't be trying to shelter a 13 year old from the grief of a funeral. I can see positive things about letting her see that and experience what a tragedy looks like.

 

I also would want her to know that I trust her to be able to deal with sad things and to decide for herself whether it's important to her to go. She's in that "in between" childhood and adulthood stage when sometimes we let them make decisions and sometimes we don't, and I know this one probably seems close to the line, but I probably would go with telling her that I will take her if she wants to go. This will be a really big event in her life - she will probably always remember this, as I do my one class mate who died. I would want my daughter to remember that I honored her feelings and opinions and trusted her to handle herself well in this situation.

 

As for the clothes, no one is going to really notice or care what she wears, but I might just leave that to her. She may have a friend who would lend her something she would feel comfortable in.

[Dobela]

I agree with letting her go. There are many social and ettiquite (sp) aspects to a funeral that she can observe and learn from at this one. It can be a time for you to answer any questions she has about the process. I feel she is old enough to go, but we also began letting our son attend them last year at age 8. We have a friend dying of cancer and want him to know what to expect when the time comes.

 

As far as clothing, my guess is that many will be dressed cassually, especially teens. The last several we have attended had people wearing everything from jeans and a Tshirt to very fancy wear. She can call friends and ask what they are wearing or even ask someone to borrow something just for the service. When I was a teen I loved sharing clothing with friends anyway.

[nova mama]

I don't see a really compelling reason to go, unless DD really wants to. If that is the case, going with someone else (ie, not you) sounds like a good idea.

[elegantlion]

I'm in the let her go camp. If it is important to her to attend I would allow it. By the time I was 13 I had attended several funerals. We lost a lot of my family when I was young. We weren't particularly close to some of them, but I needed to attend for my own well-being.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

Most posters above me agreed that she should go. I'm not sure. I do agree that clothing is not a valid reason to stay home. I also agree that at 13, it is perhaps a decision in which your daughter should have a great deal of input.

 

Your statement of "her heart is in the right place" is telling for me. I think that if you want to encourage a certain type of behavior, then you must allow it when you see it. You can also discuss other ways to help the family. Is there a favorite charity for donations? Can your dd make a personal card for the family? Ultimately, you know your dd best. I encourage you to make the decision that you feel would be best for her, based on what's going on inside her, not based on the outside stuff (moving, clothes, lots of people, etc.).

 

Now, not to convince you one way or another, but loosing a child is the most devastating thing that can happen to a family. Even though the parents may not know someone personally, seeing an overwhelming show of love for this child that they loved will make an impact. Perhaps *one* person will not make a difference, but if everyone felt that way, well you get the idea.

 

When my SIL's son died she was amazed at all the people who showed up at his wake. She made a point to thank everyone for coming (hundreds) and, I have to say, it helped her. Did they all know her son in a close, personal way? No, but seeing that hundreds of people cared enough to rearrange their lives for him (and, in extension, her), touched her deeply. She commented that it made his life seem more worthwhile, that so many had been touched by one young man.

 

good luck in your decision.

[Ria]

If she wants to go, you should listen to her and find a way for her to be there. Let her wear the nicest clothes she has, even if it's just jeans and a nice shirt.

 

One of my former students died in a car crash when she was 13. The outpouring of support, both at the wake and the funeral, is something that the family remembers today, more than 8 years later. I'm sorry that you can't see how much such a show of people can comfort a grieving family, even if they don't personally know all in attendance. Your daughter, young as she is, seems to understand. Please let her go.

 

Ria

[Karen sn]

I would let her go with a friend so that you don't have to endure the crowds. Have her wear her nicest outfit. Rural churches around here have very casual dress codes.

 

I actually think that funerals of people who the child is not particularly close to are a good way to start. They are able to watch what is going on in a semi-detached manner and not have to deal with their own emotions at the same time. By doing so they are ready when they attend a funeral of a significant loved one where the emotional stakes are much larger. I must couch this in the fact that I have taken my children to funerals at very young ages in part to prepare for the funeral of their grandfather when they were almost 2, 4, and 6.

 

I agree. My dd was 6 at her first funeral for person.

We had buried our very loved dog with MUCH fan fare a few months earlier.

While at the viewing for my mother's friend she asked, "So when's the death party?"

 

And I will always remember that.

The dead body of an old woman did not phase her - she wanted to know if we were going to party like we did for our dog.

 

What followed in the next 3 years was an awful time of many funerals. Three of which were for close friends in their 20's and 30's. I was literally sick to death of funerals and mourning. It was a horrible time in our lives.

 

But my dd knows how to grieve.

And more importantly she knows how to celebrate and give respect to the life of those we have known and loved.

 

One funeral was similar to that of our dog - we laughed and told stories about our friend. We ate. We made music. It was beautiful.

 

I have no doubt that (hopefully years from now) my dd will be able to give me a death party that I would be proud of.

 

If your dd wants to go - let her.

I can guarantee that there will be plenty of kids there NOT in their Sunday best. And that is ok.

 

It is therapeutic and a great life lesson.

[JudoMom]

Another vote for letting her go. I wouldn't force her to go, but I would take her since she wants to go. This isn't one of those things you can remedy after the fact and it seems like a good opportunity to show your dd that you're listening and that she's important.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

I agree. My dd was 6 at her first funeral for person.

We had buried our very loved dog with MUCH fan fare a few months earlier.

While at the viewing for my mother's friend she asked, "So when's the death party?"

 

And I will always remember that.

The dead body of an old woman did not phase her - she wanted to know if we were going to party like we did for our dog.

 

What followed in the next 3 years was an awful time of many funerals. Three of which were for close friends in their 20's and 30's. I was literally sick to death of funerals and mourning. It was a horrible time in our lives.

 

But my dd knows how to grieve.

And more importantly she knows how to celebrate and give respect to the life of those we have known and loved.

 

One funeral was similar to that of our dog - we laughed and told stories about our friend. We ate. We made music. It was beautiful.

 

I have no doubt that (hopefully years from now) my dd will be able to give me a death party that I would be proud of.

 

If your dd wants to go - let her.

I can guarantee that there will be plenty of kids there NOT in their Sunday best. And that is ok.

 

It is therapeutic and a great life lesson.

 

Karen - your dd's remark about a death party made me remember my step-grandfather's wake. I was probably about 10, and not allowed to go to the funeral, but was at my step-grama's house for the wake. I locked myself in a room and cried and cried because they were throwing a party, and someone I loved was gone forever, for cripe's sake! My grama found me, explained what was going on, and then took me by the hand and led me out to the living room. I remember standing with her, hand in hand, for the rest of the evening. It brings tears to my eyes even now, thinking about how she took time for her son's weird stepdaughter in the time of her grief, and I learned a lot about how to grieve from that experience.

[Aubrey]

I lost a classmate when I was 13. I hadn't known her for more than a few mos, & we were far from close. It was a private school, so we were simply taken to the funeral as a class. I'm not sure I would have realized it at the time, but this was important for closure. Losing someone so young is absolutely surreal, & everything is bigger when you're a teen.

 

As far as supporting the family, I would have felt like you before losing my dad. I had friends, though, who drove over 4 hrs to be at his funeral, then turned around & drove back. I've never been so touched by anything.

[abbeyej]

I agree. Let her go. Even if her nicest clothes are a pair of jeans and a plain, solid-color t-shirt, that will be okay (especially in a large crowd of teenagers).

 

If *you* don't want to go, I like the suggestion of letting her go with another friend/classmate.

 

I agree with everyone who said that attending funerals at a younger age for people to whom one is *not* deeply close can be extremely helpful as one gets older and must face more (personally) painful deaths. ... And to a teenager, the loss of a classmate -- even one to whom one is not particularly close -- can be extremely disconcerting. Attending the funeral with others can help her to process that event.

 

I wouldn't make her go if *she* were not interested, but since she is, I think you need to find a way to make it happen.

[TravelingChris]

Since she wants to go, I would let her go. The clothes aren't an issue. Just wear something darker rather than lighter. No one cares about the clothes. It is a tragedy for your town and she was in a class with him.

[KidsHappen]

Also in the let her go crowd. If she feels strongly about it, it is quite possible that she has a need to go. You really don't need to worry about the clothes. My extended family is rural farming folk and they showed up at my mother's funeral in their farming and oil rig clothes. What was important was that they were there.

 

A short story to let you know how important the grieving process can be even when you don;t know the person very well. My exh's exw died when she was 36 years old. I didn't know her very well and obviously we weren't very close but her death was devestating to me. She was only slightly older than me and the thought that someone I knew, that was very close to my age had died was very difficult for me. I needed the closure and a way to process the grief that I had no logical reason for having. Maybe your dd is feeling the same way.

[lionfamily1999]

She can learn a lot by going. She can learn the impact of death on a family. She's getting to those years when that sense of immortality becomes incredibly dangerous. Seeing that a kid her own age can die and how it effects his family will stay with her and possibly keep her from some of the more dangerously stupid things teenagers do. She'll also get some practice at empathy.

 

Also, she'll learn that there are times when you might want to avoid something, and the reasons will be infinite, but, in the end, you have to do the right thing. In this case, the right thing is giving the impression, to the family of this little boy, that their son was as cherished by everyone else as he was by them. Sure, they probably won't speak to your daughter, and she might not even make it up to the recieving line (if you guys do that), but they will see one more person that thought their son's life was important enough to stand in line for. He was loved enough to fill a church. That's got to be comforting.

[*LC]

I didn't sleep well, so I'm having a hard time responding to your post in the proper way. Our experience in the last few years has given me a new appreciation for the importance of attending funerals.

 

So, I'll put it this way. If your daughter had died in a wreck, what would you think of someone that offered those excuses as a reason not to attend the funeral of your precious child?

 

Your daughter's clothes won't be noticed; her presence will. The following posts are right on as to what the family will feel.

 

One of my former students died in a car crash when she was 13. The outpouring of support, both at the wake and the funeral, is something that the family remembers today, more than 8 years later. I'm sorry that you can't see how much such a show of people can comfort a grieving family, even if they don't personally know all in attendance. Your daughter, young as she is, seems to understand. Please let her go.

...................................

 

Now, not to convince you one way or another, but loosing a child is the most devastating thing that can happen to a family. Even though the parents may not know someone personally, seeing an overwhelming show of love for this child that they loved will make an impact. Perhaps *one* person will not make a difference, but if everyone felt that way, well you get the idea.

 

When my SIL's son died she was amazed at all the people who showed up at his wake. She made a point to thank everyone for coming (hundreds) and, I have to say, it helped her. Did they all know her son in a close, personal way? No, but seeing that hundreds of people cared enough to rearrange their lives for him (and, in extension, her), touched her deeply. She commented that it made his life seem more worthwhile, that so many had been touched by one young man.

[RoughCollie]

I'm sorry that you can't see how much such a show of people can comfort a grieving family, even if they don't personally know all in attendance.

 

Of course I can see that. But what is one more stranger present when I already know this funeral will be extremely well-attended? I am talking at least 1000 people will go to it, whether my DD goes or not.

[Peggy in Va]

I have read all the other posts, and I agree that you should let her go. If she really wants, and it sounds like she does.

 

Of course I can see that. But what is one more stranger present when I already know this funeral will be extremely well-attended? I am talking at least 1000 people will go to it, whether my DD goes or not.

 

Perhaps the parents won't notice "One more stranger present"'. On the other hand, perhaps they will, or perhaps her presence there will comforting to a class mate she is close to.

 

Also, this is not the time to worry about what she wears. This is a time when it doesn't matter how the "package" is wrapped, what's important is the "gift" inside.

 

I say let her go.

[newbie]

Of course I can see that. But what is one more stranger present when I already know this funeral will be extremely well-attended? I am talking at least 1000 people will go to it, whether my DD goes or not.

 

Is there a way to comemorate her w/the friends she has. I have friends that have not been invited to funerals, but have gotten together and did their own small service w/prayers and balloons. Perhaps in a location they all loved.

 

Maybe then she will feel like a real part. I understand where you are coming from.