Need help with a wedding gift under unusual circumstances.

[AuntieM]

My mother, 73, is getting married, almost 2 years after my father passed away. We have a fair relationship and I understand that she, as she says, "wants to live her life." The man she is marrying has been a friend of the family since my childhood.

 

I (as well as my siblings) have reason to believe that her relationship with this man began long before my father's death, perhaps even 15 years ago. For this and other reasons, I feel a sense of sadness over the turn of events. But, it's her life, her choices... I think I am still grieving for my Dad somewhat, not only that he is gone, but that the last years of my parents' marriage was not what it could have been, largely due to my mom's behavior. Dad was loyal and defending and trusting til the end.

 

She called about a week ago to tell me they would be getting married mid-April. The date is set, arrangements in progress. She certainly took no pains to schedule this with her daughters in mind; my sister and I both live out of town and as you all know, mid-April is close to the busiest time in the school year. We (sis & I) agreed that she probably really did not want us to be there, or she would have at least called to discuss it before setting the date in stone. It is going to be a bit of a shindig - church wedding plus a reception - and her 8 brothers and sisters are all invited, plus her circle of friends and all of her "new" family. Actually, it's a relief to me not to be able to attend, because it would probably just make me cry, and I don't want to be a thorn in her side on a day that she is looking forward to with happiness.

 

Anyway.... it occurred to me that I should send a gift, but I have no idea what to send. We are in a belt-tightening mode, so it cannot be extravagant. Also, I personally do not wish to send anything monogrammed or engraved, and nothing too intimate. Can you gals help me think of something appropriate to send as a gift?

 

They have no needs, but she did mention that they might be taking a "just get in the car and drive" kind of trip after they are married. Perhaps something that would be helpful when they travel?

 

I am not really of the heart to spend to much time thinking about this... won't you all just tell me what to do, please?

[LizzyBee]

When my mother remarried 2 years ago, I sent money for them to have pictures taken. They didn't have a professional photographer for the wedding, though, so I don't know if that would work for you.

 

How about a prepaid gas card or a chain restaurant gift certificate for the trip? With some companies, you can order online and have the card sent directly to the gift recipient.

[elegantlion]

Perhaps a gift card to a favorite restaurant. My parents are in their 70s and enjoy one certain place. The have a tight budget but still enjoy going out a few times a week. Perhaps that with a lovely card.

 

:grouphug: to you as you deal with the news.

[momofkhm]

My first thought was a gift cert for dinner out.

 

Then I read the rest and I really wonder about it. You have truly mixed feelings and for good reason! A gc for dinner out would still be good.

 

Or the driving thing - a travel guide for wherever they may go. You don't say where she is, but if it were local to me (Raleigh, NC) I'd get a travel guide to the Outer Banks, Charlotte area, Ashville/mountains, possibly Myrtle Beach area.

 

I hope you get through this time. That has to be hard! :grouphug::grouphug:

[Happy]

First, a :grouphug:

 

I was twenty-seven when my mom remarried after my dad's death. I had such a hard time with it. I'd look at the wonderful man she was marrying and the little child inside me would say...if you'd go away, my daddy could come home. :001_huh: Completely irrational.

 

Cut yourself a break and allow that you have some misgivings because of all the stuff in your heart and head about this relationship, but contine to love.

 

I'm going to urge you to try to attend. If you were dancing in the street happy about this would you move a few obstacles to be there? Go, be a joyful and loving daughter on your mom's wedding day. It's never wrong to give the benefit of the doubt.

 

As for a gift, professional portraits are a great idea. Paying for a couple of nights in the bridal suite of a B&B might be very good as well.

 

Hang in there. Getting married again was a wonderful thing for my mom. Her husband was a rock when it came time to nurse her though breast cancer, but more important, she had someone to have fun with in the years before that.

[Scarlett]

My mother, 73, is getting married, almost 2 years after my father passed away. We have a fair relationship and I understand that she, as she says, "wants to live her life." The man she is marrying has been a friend of the family since my childhood.

 

I have a similar situation in my family. My mom was friends with this couple for 30 or more years and then the wife died. My mom and the husband were married a year later. The difference is there was no improper relationship between my mom and step-dad before his late wife died. They have been married for 8 years now.

 

Still and yet, it has been at times difficult for my step sister who grieves for her mother while wanting her father to be happy. She bought anniverary gifts for a year or two and then just told them, 'your anniversaries are just too difficult for me. I'll buy you a gift when the mood strikes me instead.' Of course, every one is fine with that.

 

Anyway, these things can be difficult. I do have a gift in mind though. It is a travel book---journal--of sorts. It would be thoughtful, affordable and useful for people who have everything. They will appreciate being able to record their travels.

 

:grouphug:

[Scarlett]

I'm going to urge you to try to attend. If you were dancing in the street happy about this would you move a few obstacles to be there? Go, be a joyful and loving daughter on your mom's wedding day. It's never wrong to give the benefit of the doubt..

 

My stepsister did not attend....she had a ready excuse of 2500 miles between homes.....but it would have been too hard on her. And my step dad didn't want her there either. The saddness would have ruined the day I think.

[Stacey in MA]

Sorry you're feeling badly. I'm sure I would feel the same exact way. And congrats also because....well, isn't that what you're supposed to say when someone gets married?? ;-p Hang in there...

 

For a gift idea, how about some of these bed and breakfast gift cards:

http://www.costco.com/Browse/Product.aspx?Prodid=11122757&whse=BC&topnav=&browse=&lang=en-US&s=1

[Scarlett]

Or the driving thing - a travel guide for wherever they may go. You don't say where she is, but if it were local to me (Raleigh, NC) I'd get a travel guide to the Outer Banks, Charlotte area, Ashville/mountains, possibly Myrtle Beach area.

 

Ah. You beat me to it! :)

[specialmama]

I'm going to urge you to try to attend. If you were dancing in the street happy about this would you move a few obstacles to be there? Go, be a joyful and loving daughter on your mom's wedding day. It's never wrong to give the benefit of the doubt.

 

As for a gift, professional portraits are a great idea. Paying for a couple of nights in the bridal suite of a B&B might be very good as well.

 

Hang in there. Getting married again was a wonderful thing for my mom. Her husband was a rock when it came time to nurse her though breast cancer, but more important, she had someone to have fun with in the years before that.

 

 

:iagree: with "Happy". It is tough advice, but I lived it, and I am thankful that I attended my mom's marriage after my dad's death. I struggled to accept the man, because he wasn't as educated and well-spoken as my father. But we talked about it, and it came down to my mom crying, and asking me, "do you want me to be alone for the rest of my life?" I inwardly cringed, because, no, I don't want her to be alone. She deserves to have a second chance at happiness... and so does your mom. I'd do all I could to support her. THAT is the best gift you could give her. :grouphug:

[JFSinIL]

A nice photo album or frames.

[Tap]

It sounds like this is going to be difficult for you whether you attend or not, so I guess you have to decide how important it is to you to honor your parent. Your parents marriage was theirs and theirs alone. If your father was at peace with her, her actions and words, then you need to let it go too.

 

My guess is that you mom is old enough to know that no date would be perfect for everyone, you can't make everyone happy, there will be family absent-at almost any date, and she is just ready to get on with her own life. I doubt that she knows which months are the hardest for you. You would probably get a different answer from every homeschooler you ask (my busiest is November!). Besides...how much time is it really going to take? A couple of days? You can add it to the end of the year if you are really worried about it.

 

How many parents have attended weddings of their own children, that the parents couldn't stand the new spouse? Attending the wedding has nothing to do with loving the new spouse, it has everything to do with honoring the loved one and their happiness.

 

So my suggestion of a gift....go to the wedding. Celebrate this monumental day with her. Put your own feelings aside to support her in her new life. You are free to feel however you want, but be outwardly happy, supportive, and positive.

 

 

 

My mother did something very similar and while I wasn't happy about how she handled it. It was then I realized that her and my father's marriage was a real marriage, with ups and downs, good and bad, just like everyone else. It wasn't my childhood fantasy of what a marriage was. The fact that my mother came back and nursed my father through to his death, showed the commitment of marriage. It showed the love and the relationship they had was true and deep. It was then that I realized that my mom did sacrifice for her marriage. It would have been easier to divorce and go off to lead a new life. Instead she stayed, honored her vows, and silently waited for my father to pass.

Edited March 23, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap

[AuntieM]

for those of you who have suggested that my presence at the wedding would be the best gift.... well, it is physically impossible for me to attend on the date she scheduled, due to serious/substantial commitments of my own. My point was that if she really wanted us - meaning her two grown daughters who each have school aged children - to attend, she would have called to check if it were possible. Not because we're so busy, but because she knows that travel and childcare arrangements would have to be made. I certainly don't expect her schedule to revolve around me, that's not what I'm implying and I'm sorry, now that I realize it may have come across that way. I understand and appreciate the reasons you have given for going, but it just cannot happen. My daughter is locked into a rehearsal schedule for her theater company and I am in charge of the set construction. If only my mom could have waited 3 weeks longer to get married, the whole family would go. But she didn't ask...

 

I *really* *really* believe that SHE would enjoy it more if I did not attend (did I mention that I am the spittin' image of my dad?). FWIW, my very rational sister came to the same conclusion. Given a little more time, she also could have made arrangements to attend.

 

I just needed a gift idea.

 

Restaurant cards are good, and I've sent those before on other occasions. I like the ideas of a travel journal, photo album, gift cards for gasoline... y'all have me wondering if she's got a good camera, that may be a good gift.

 

Thanks for the help, I do appreciate your responses, as well as the hugs. I guess I also needed some to tell me that it's only natural to be a little sad given the circumstances.

[3lilreds in NC]

for those of you who have suggested that my presence at the wedding would be the best gift.... well, it is physically impossible for me to attend on the date she scheduled, due to serious/substantial commitments of my own. My point was that if she really wanted us - meaning her two grown daughters who each have school aged children - to attend, she would have called to check if it were possible. Not because we're so busy, but because she knows that travel and childcare arrangements would have to be made. I certainly don't expect her schedule to revolve around me, that's not what I'm implying and I'm sorry, now that I realize it may have come across that way. I understand and appreciate the reasons you have given for going, but it just cannot happen. My daughter is locked into a rehearsal schedule for her theater company and I am in charge of the set construction. If only my mom could have waited 3 weeks longer to get married, the whole family would go. But she didn't ask...

 

I *really* *really* believe that SHE would enjoy it more if I did not attend (did I mention that I am the spittin' image of my dad?). FWIW, my very rational sister came to the same conclusion. Given a little more time, she also could have made arrangements to attend.

 

I just needed a gift idea.

 

Restaurant cards are good, and I've sent those before on other occasions. I like the ideas of a travel journal, photo album, gift cards for gasoline... y'all have me wondering if she's got a good camera, that may be a good gift.

 

Thanks for the help, I do appreciate your responses, as well as the hugs. I guess I also needed some to tell me that it's only natural to be a little sad given the circumstances.

 

I agree with you, sweetie, that your mom could have made it possible for you to be there. I cannot imagine a world in which *my* mom would plan such a special day and not at least attempt to work with my schedule.

 

I think the idea of a travel journal and/or a good camera sound like great gifts. You're doing the best you can with a less than ideal situation. Your heart is in the right place.

[hornblower]

I know you can't be there & I think that's fine.

I would say though that the best gift you can give her is to be genuinely happy for her. I think for your relationship, it may be the biggest and best gift, to give her unconditional love, kwim, and just be really happy for her?

 

We don't ever know the details of a marriage and as children, I think we can have very warped views of what was going on. Regardless of what you think about what happened and what she felt or anything else.... I would work hard to move beyond that and just open your heart and meet her with genuine acceptance and happiness. I think she would hear it in your voice, even if you're not able to be there & I'd think it would mean a lot.

 

my .02 :001_smile:

[Ellie]

Send flowers and a big ol' fancy card, signed by the whole family. Your mother is a big girl, and she doesn't *need* anything, KWIM? Just be all smiley and happy for her outwardly.

[wide eyes & laughter]

I do have a gift in mind though. It is a travel book---journal--of sorts. It would be thoughtful, affordable and useful for people who have everything. They will appreciate being able to record their travels.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

:iagree:This is a great idea. Maybe some munchables for the car ride and ta-da! Good to go. Sorry for your loss(es) :grouphug:

 

Cheryl

[dalynnrmc]

Of course it's natural to be sad! I had an uncle who passed away just before my 21st birthday. I just turned 29, and my aunt is still unmarried. It is the uncle that I was related to by blood, and I haven't seen my aunt (or cousin) in a few years now (my mother talks with her often, so I get word-of-mouth)... but I can tell you that if I found out she was getting married, I would cry. I can't imagine how it would be if it were my parents instead. :hugs:

 

 

My gift idea, when you mentioned travelling, was a travel basket. A conglomeration of all the things mentioned here - gas cards, eating out cards, little travel snacks, a journal, even a photo holder for them to collect postcards if they'll be going to multiple places. Maybe put it all in a car-worthy trash can. ;) Don't forget the moist wipes!

[kalanamak]

 

Thanks for the help, I do appreciate your responses, as well as the hugs. I guess I also needed some to tell me that it's only natural to be a little sad given the circumstances.

 

It is natural.

 

For the gift, do they drink coffee? A couple nice travel mugs, some maps and guide books. I love giving practical gifts.

 

http://www.target.com/Travel-Mugs-Coffee-Tea-Espresso/b?ie=UTF8&node=162296011

 

Scroll down for the Contigo Extreme. These are the best, least spilly, etc. mugs. I give them often and everyone is pleased.

[maryhob]

:grouphug: I would agree with the travel basket ideas. It might be fun to incorporate some old matchbox cars or some other vintage treasure from Saint Vinney's. I would stay away from Bed and Breakfast gift certificates. Even if you were at peace with a remarriage of a parent that would be difficult if you started thinking about it.

 

Your mom was wrong for not including you and your sister in the planning of this wedding. It may be that she knew it would be painful for you so she kept putting it off or maybe she is in a kind of self-centered mode right now. I would just encourage you to pray for her even if you'd rather not and try to forgive her. I'm actually not trying to be preachy I just have had experience with challenging relationships and I finally resorted to "Praying for my (challenging relatives)" and it helped me deal with the pain that they had caused. It seems illogical and unfair but it really helps.

 

Take care, Mary