Oldest Ds is having more trouble

[Scarlett]

He just turned 27.  A year after getting married his wife kicked him out.  2 years of pain and chaos followed.  He finally got settled into shared parenting, got his own apartment etc…..and she wanted to reconcile.  That was in May of this year.  She moved out two weeks ago. I think ds27 is done this time, but will struggle again.  At least she has her own name on her car loan now…..but he had a one bedroom and they just got a 2 bedroom recently…I don’t see how he can afford it.  But he does have a good 40 hours of regular work which is so much better.  So there are a few things better this time including that he did not let her kick him out and still have to pay the rent.  
 

It is hard watching these young adults.  I much prefer toddlers.  

[Rosie_0801]

Life is hard. 😞

[Catwoman]

I remember when you said you thought she wanted to reconcile, but I was hoping he had refused. 😞 

I hope he has finally learned his lesson with her, and will now realize that he will never be able to trust her or count on her to be reliable or responsible. 

The good news is that he's no longer responsible for her car loan or her rent, so maybe he is wising up!

I hope everything works out for him. If he's living in an apartment complex, maybe he could ask if he could switch from the 2-bedroom into a 1-bedroom. If he explains the circumstances, maybe he will get lucky. 

[freesia]

Yes, it’s a huge relief that he is no longer responsible for her car and apartment. That was an emotional and financial drain constantly the last time. I’m really sorry for the whole situation, though. Hugs to you and dh. 

[saraha]

Oh man, I’m sorry for your poor ds. Poor guy just trying to do the right thing

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, saraha said:

Oh man, I’m sorry for your poor ds. Poor guy just trying to do the right thing

He really does try.  Before when she kicked him out he was all stoic and said, “well, I do not want to be there if she doesn’t want me there”.  I was like, “then she can leave!”  But he just couched surfed for months and kept paying her rent.  Maddening.

This time though? Nope.  First he did not put her name on the lease…..and second he did not move out when things went south.

His rent is 900 for the 2 bedroom.  It was 600 for the one bedroom but now the one bedroom has gone up to 700. 
 

She is so odd to me.  She spent two years only having her child for half time…..then as soon as they got back together she went into control mode again.  For instance we asked to take him to the zoo this summer.    At first she said no.  Then she said, ‘only if I  can go too.’ So we all went together which whatever, but how can you be hot and cold like that with mothering.  
 

She has already moved some 19 year old man/boy in with her.

Dh tried to warn him back in May  that she likely just wanted a place to crash because she was getting evicted.  

 

[Spryte]

I’m sorry he’s going through this again. That really stinks. Hopefully he can keep giving his child as much stability as he can, since the ex obviously isn’t going to do that. 

[bolt.]

I think this is a perfect example of how young adults seem to be 'not listening' to good advice, because they often don't follow it right away. But it's a really recognizable pattern when you can see that they internalize both the original advice and the results of the path they took instead -- and it turns out that thereafter they agree with the advice and follow it from that point forward.

It's collaborative learning, with a time delay.

The numerous examples of this pattern from you parents of young adults on this board have really given me confidence as a mom just at the start of the young-adult journey. You've encouraged me to never stop speaking wisely and giving brief, careful advice at opportune moments... but not to get discouraged or disappointed when they do something else for a short time. There's solid proof that my words aren't being ignored. They are in there percolating, yes, getting compared to other information, but also, yes, when they deserve to, coming to the surface eventually. I (and you all) are still *highly* influential. I just need to be patient while they go through the 'just checking other options' loop, or when they spend a little time in the 'I have to stick to my original decision' space.

So thanks for sharing. These things are surprisingly encouraging in cyberspace -- even though they represent tough times in the real world.

ETA: I wouldn't lean on him to go back to an 1 bedroom apartment unless it was a very  serious hardship for him to finance the larger one. He has a kid, and the kid isn't getting any smaller. He will need a room of his own for most of his childhood. And with his hot-and-cold mom, and her tendency to go where new men lead her... your son should probably be prepared to be anything from a 50% custody parent to a 100% at the drop of a hat. He is that kid's stable place, and he should make an effort (if it is within the realm of possibility) to have the kind of apartment where him-and-the-kid can be a family full time whenever the opportunity arises, and provide the stable sense of 'a real home here' even when the kid is splitting their time.

Edited November 16, 2023 by bolt.

[Jaybee]

20 minutes ago, bolt. said:

ETA: I wouldn't lean on him to go back to an 1 bedroom apartment unless it was a very  serious hardship for him to finance the larger one. He has a kid, and the kid isn't getting any smaller. He will need a room of his own for most of his childhood. And with his hot-and-cold mom, and her tendency to go where new men lead her... your son should probably be prepared to be anything from a 50% custody parent to a 100% at the drop of a hat. He is that kid's stable place, and he should make an effort (if it is within the realm of possibility) to have the kind of apartment where him-and-the-kid can be a family full time whenever the opportunity arises, and provide the stable sense of 'a real home here' even when the kid is splitting their time.

I agree with this.

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, bolt. said:

I think this is a perfect example of how young adults seem to be 'not listening' to good advice, because they often don't follow it right away. But it's a really recognizable pattern when you can see that they internalize both the original advice and the results of the path they took instead -- and it turns out that thereafter they agree with the advice and follow it from that point forward.

It's collaborative learning, with a time delay.

The numerous examples of this pattern from you parents of young adults on this board have really given me confidence as a mom just at the start of the young-adult journey. You've encouraged me to never stop speaking wisely and giving brief, careful advice at opportune moments... but not to get discouraged or disappointed when they do something else for a short time. There's solid proof that my words aren't being ignored. They are in there percolating, yes, getting compared to other information, but also, yes, when they deserve to, coming to the surface eventually. I (and you all) are still *highly* influential. I just need to be patient while they go through the 'just checking other options' loop, or when they spend a little time in the 'I have to stick to my original decision' space.

So thanks for sharing. These things are surprisingly encouraging in cyberspace -- even though they represent tough times in the real world.

ETA: I wouldn't lean on him to go back to an 1 bedroom apartment unless it was a very  serious hardship for him to finance the larger one. He has a kid, and the kid isn't getting any smaller. He will need a room of his own for most of his childhood. And with his hot-and-cold mom, and her tendency to go where new men lead her... your son should probably be prepared to be anything from a 50% custody parent to a 100% at the drop of a hat. He is that kid's stable place, and he should make an effort (if it is within the realm of possibility) to have the kind of apartment where him-and-the-kid can be a family full time whenever the opportunity arises, and provide the stable sense of 'a real home here' even when the kid is splitting their time.

That is a good point about the two bedroom. Hopefully he can afford to keep it.  The child is 3 now. Still having a lot of trouble with the daycare….new daycare because he got kicked out of the last.  He just won’t stop biting.  
 

As for the good advice we keep trying to give him….Dh said something similar to me…..I told him I wasn’t going to offer any advice because ds27 never listens.  He told me not to be that way…..that he probably listens more than we know.  

[goldberry]

13 hours ago, Scarlett said:

It is hard watching these young adults.  I much prefer toddlers.  

Right there with you...  My life is so good right now, but I still have anxiety worrying about DD.  I am working on myself trying to not be OVERLY anxious and invested, but it is hard.  And it's never going to end.  *sigh*  

[WildflowerMom]

2 minutes ago, goldberry said:

Right there with you...  My life is so good right now, but I still have anxiety worrying about DD.  I am working on myself trying to not be OVERLY anxious and invested, but it is hard.  And it's never going to end.  *sigh*  

I feel the same way about ds.  I just cannot stop worrying.  

[bolt.]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

As for the good advice we keep trying to give him….Dh said something similar to me…..I told him I wasn’t going to offer any advice because ds27 never listens.  He told me not to be that way…..that he probably listens more than we know.  

He *clearly* listens more than you know. There's incontrovertible evidence of that truth prominently featured in your first post.

He's pretty much implemented nearly everything (that I can remember) you and your DH recommended "last time" when "this time" came 'round and he had to make these decisions for a second time. If he hasn't followed 100% of your recommendations yet, I'd suggest just waiting, and keeping up the slow-drip-feed of good ideas for him to implement whenever he's ready.

[freesia]

It’s like this meme. My oldest laughed so hard and says he feels this. 

[kathyl]

I have also found it to be true that even when my kids don't seem to be listening, they are internalizing a lot of what I'm saying.  And even the ones who outright object, will often come back to me with their 'great idea' - which is often some version of what I had told them previously.  I don't point out that I had told them that.  I just agree with them and let them have their great idea.  lol

So, yes, it pays to keep talking to them.  🙂 

[freesia]

4 minutes ago, kathyl said:

I have also found it to be true that even when my kids don't seem to be listening, they are internalizing a lot of what I'm saying.  And even the ones who outright object, will often come back to me with their 'great idea' - which is often some version of what I had told them previously.  I don't point out that I had told them that.  I just agree with them and let them have their great idea.  lol

So, yes, it pays to keep talking to them.  🙂 

My oldest dd tends to come back with “some blogger on YouTube said xyz. Isn’t that a great idea?” Yeah, I think, I told you that a month ago!  But if some 22 year old vlogger says it, it must be true 😂. One funny time happened when she said—I’m watching this great vlog. She’s a homeschooling mom of four from British Columbia ( where we used to live.) I said, oh, like me! She looked shocked and said—what?? I said—Me, I was a homeschooling mom of four and lived in BC. She sat stunned for a minute. 

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, bolt. said:

He *clearly* listens more than you know. There's incontrovertible evidence of that truth prominently featured in your first post.

He's pretty much implemented nearly everything (that I can remember) you and your DH recommended "last time" when "this time" came 'round and he had to make these decisions for a second time. If he hasn't followed 100% of your recommendations yet, I'd suggest just waiting, and keeping up the slow-drip-feed of good ideas for him to implement whenever he's ready.

Good points.  I guess I had not realized it. Thank you. 

[Heartstrings]

It's hard to blame him for wanting to give his family a second shot, no matter how bad the first time was.  He probably felt like he owed it to his son to try everything possible to keep the child's family intact.  At least now he'll be able to say with 100% certainty that he did everything he could.  That might matter to his child one day. 

I hope that he's gotten that out of his system for good though!  Going back and forth isn't better for the kiddo.