Advice, please, regarding maintaining relationship with relative, please do not quote

[Bambam]

Looking for advice on dealing with a relative.

Deleted for privacy. 

I appreciate everyone's advice. It gives me some ideas - 1. be patient 2. Provide more validation (not my strong point, but I am improving!) 3. neutral topics, have a plan of activities 4. Adjust my expectations 

Edited October 9, 2023 by Bambam

[prairiewindmomma]

I would give thought to accepting that you arent able at this time to have the ideal relationship one hopes for—a close, loving, and trusting relationship. Accept where you are at—you get to see/hear from them occasionally and have a mostly peaceful interaction. 
 

There’s some grieving in accepting that, but if they arent able to do healthy interactions, and you want to stay involved, then reframing what a positive relationship looks like may be best. 
 

Sincere hugs!

[freesia]

I’m sorry Bambam . That is so hard. It seems like relative is afraid of being judged for whatever reason. In your situation, I would take a step back on trying/caring about being close. I would do your plan of talking about neutral subjects. I would let them lead in anything and how much they share. I would be interested and positive, but not ask many questions. I wouldn’t call them on lies. I wouldn’t call them on anything really other than verbal abuse to my kids. If they accused me of something, I’d try to be non-reactive and say—tell me more or is there anything else you want me to know. Be a calm loving grounded presence. Be a cheerleader for the spouse. 
 

I don’t understand the last part or why you anticipate a crises—but they know you are there. 

[prairiewindmomma]

I forgot to add, for the people in my life in this category (not children), we stay busy during interactions. We play games, do crafts, watch movies, and I usually have to run to the store or take a nap so that we get emotional breaks from each other.

For the most emotionally abusive people, we meet for dinner in public places and send the occasional text.

[HomeAgain]

I think you just have to meet them where they are if you want a relationship.

You know they are lying, they know they are lying, there's no point in pointing it out.  Just "oh, that's nice".

Keep talking about anything other than them.  They're obviously not in a good place.

When you get home from these interactions, take a nice, long, hot bath and let go of the stress of it all.  Because, man, that would be something to wear you down if it's a consistent interaction.

[Faith-manor]

I don't really make and effort to have a relationship with people like this. They get put into the acquaintance category. So I chat for a few minutes on very innocuous topics, weather, "did you see the new Top Gun movie?", do they have vacation plans, decorating for the holidays, new recipe, if they are sports people then asking about their favorite sports team and let them ramble...that kind of thing. I then move away and speak to someone else. If it would be normal to be there for more than an hour, I have an exit strategy, " Oh, so sorry. We can't stay long because we have the library fundraiser", tickets to whatever, grandkids coming, etc. I will deliberately plan something on the day of the get together just so we have an out and are not lying.

So far I have managed to not have more than a ten minute conversation with my toxic brother and his wife in six years. It is such a relief. Over time, your acquaintance relatives do get used to this and stop having expectations of anything more than that. It has been the very best thing for my emotional health to have nothing more than a once in a rare moon five- minute, "How's the weather? relationship with these two individuals. It becomes the new normal.

[Melissa Louise]

Make the gatherings activity based, so conversation has somewhere to land that isn't interpersonal.

I don't have the issue with offspring lying, but as I read I thought of a different  issue I dealt with in an adult child, and how the answer was more validation (not less) and no critique (even well meant).

Switching to a validation only relationship has healed something in that child. 

I experience giving validation as just letting my love for this child shine through and be the dominant mode of relating regardless of whatever else is going on.

That may or may not be relevant to you - only sharing because it came up strongly for me as I thought on your post. Feel free to disregard. 

 

[kathyl]

I would leave it alone and let them make the call as to whether to visit you or not.  And it does sound like there's a lot going on in the marriage that you aren't aware of.  

I had a somewhat similar situation with one of our grown kids.  I had tried to get to know the girlfriend before they got married, but she was nowhere near wanting that, so I backed off and left it alone.  They got married and ds cut off all ties with all of us (siblings and me and dh).  That lasted for about 3 years.  I left them alone totally.  No contact just like they had requested.  And, frankly, it was a bit of a relief.  Both of them were always looking to be offended and it was exhausting. 

About 3 years later, out of the blue, they text and ask if they can come visit when they pass through our area.  We said sure.  They came and we were cordial, even going out to eat, etc.  They left and I told them I was glad they came.  I thought that would be the end of it.  But they came back through on their way home and stayed a little longer.  

6 months later, ds came to visit us while his wife stayed home.  While here, she called and told him she wanted a divorce, etc.  It was a shock to me and dh, but not so much to ds, it seemed.  So ds stayed with us for a while as he decided what to do next.  He eventually went back to the area where she is and still hasn't gotten a divorce, as far as I know.  But is planning to??  I rarely ask questions about the whole thing.  Like I told him "I don't need to hear all the details.  That's YOUR business.  I just need to know things as far as they relate to your staying here with us and such."

Anyway, the point is that there's really no way to know what's going on in the marriage and how that's affecting the other relationships with this person, including yours.  They already know you are there for them if need be, and that's probably about all you can do for now.  Any other 'talking' is probably only going to backfire on you.  

I hope it works out for all of you.  Hugs.  

Edited October 7, 2023 by kathyl

[Harriet Vane]

3 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I forgot to add, for the people in my life in this category (not children), we stay busy during interactions. We play games, do crafts, watch movies, and I usually have to run to the store or take a nap so that we get emotional breaks from each other.

For the most emotionally abusive people, we meet for dinner in public places and send the occasional text.

This. 
I go into an extremely fraught situation weekly. I always bring cross-stitch for me and also a group craft for all. We also play board games. Crafts work best if there is no specific outcome. For example, I might bring stamping supplies and paper—they do what they want with it. I would not bring a craft that requires following directions to build a specific car or figure.

[Katy]

I would smile, be polite, but otherwise ignore them. 

[SKL]

I have somewhat similar difficulties (frequently but not 100% of the time), though with a younger person (17yo).  I struggle to figure out the right approach too.

Would it work to just briefly state, at a time when nobody's fighting, that you find it hard to find topics that she doesn't prickle at, but you don't feel right going totally silent; and that you're always open to her bringing up anything with you?

I also find that when talking seems to be off limits, I can text some.  (Neither she nor I are big on texting, but a few succinct texts seem to be tolerable.)

With mine, she's supposed to be taking meds that would help some.  I don't think the reactions in your OP or with mine are "normal."  Getting the individual to be willing to make use of mental health care is part of the challenge.

I wish I had lots of wisdom on this one.  I wish someone did.  🙂

[scholastica]

10 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

Make the gatherings activity based, so conversation has somewhere to land that isn't interpersonal.

I don't have the issue with offspring lying, but as I read I thought of a different  issue I dealt with in an adult child, and how the answer was more validation (not less) and no critique (even well meant).

Switching to a validation only relationship has healed something in that child. 

I experience giving validation as just letting my love for this child shine through and be the dominant mode of relating regardless of whatever else is going on.

That may or may not be relevant to you - only sharing because it came up strongly for me as I thought on your post. Feel free to disregard. 

 

This. I have one who can have nothing but validation from me. So, that’s what I do. I validate and praise what I can when they share. If they share something I can’t fully validate or praise, I try to find something in whatever it is that I can praise or validate. Sometimes it’s not possible, so I just don’t say anything. I don’t ask many questions, just let them speak.