Mothers during and after birth

[Murphy101]

The hospitals here vary greatly but you have a right to have one person with you 24/7.  They don’t advertise that and some discourage it. The hospital does not have to offer anything to that person though, so there might not be any vending machines on the floor or an open cafeteria in the hospital at all.  Usually there’s the most uncomfortable by design ever recliner or bench to sorta sleep on at best. 

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Nobody needs twenty family members waiting around for a surgery, regardless of how big a waiting room is. 

Who said need? Some patients like it and it is an option.  Where I live it is

Edited September 22, 2023 by Scarlett

[Melissa Louise]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Who said need? Some patients like it and it is an option.  Where I live it is

I would hope that hospitals would take a look at their infection control policies and make some changes. If there isn't a good reason to be at the hospital, you shouldn't be there.

Support these days can be provided from home. 

[Melissa in Australia]

The hospital I am in at the moment has about 120 beds. It also has an attached nursing home. it is a regional hospital in a small city that coveres the whole eastern end of Victoria. The waiting room  In emergancy has exactly 20 chairs.. That is as big as the room is. And as many chairs as it can hold.  There are no other waiting rooms 

The hallways are about 3 metres wide. If a bed is being moved through the hallway people need to back against the walls. 

I have never worked out what a lobby is. It is one of those words that I have never been able to translate 

[Scarlett]

 I have been to many many surgeries with 20 or more people waiting,   The patient has ALWAYS been thrilled by the support. 

[Melissa in Australia]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

 I have been to many many surgeries with 20 or more people waiting,   The patient has ALWAYS been thrilled by the support. 

How many surgeries is the hospital doing a day 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

I would hope that hospitals would take a look at their infection control policies and make some changes. If there isn't a good reason to be at the hospital, you shouldn't be there.

Support these days can be provided from home. 

I think since we just lived though a pandemic they know this.  Changes were made during Covid. I could not be with my parents after a major car accident and it was devastating to them. 

[Melissa Louise]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

 I have been to many many surgeries with 20 or more people waiting,   The patient has ALWAYS been thrilled by the support. 

I find this hard to believe.

Many people have twenty or more family members hanging around while they have surgery, and the patient is thrilled by that? 

 

 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Melissa in Australia said:

How many surgeries is the hospital doing a day 

Why would you think I would know the answer to that? 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

I find this hard to believe.

Many people have twenty or more family members hanging around while they have surgery, and the patient is thrilled by that? 

 

 

Yes. They appreciate the love and support. Why would I lie? 

[Melissa Louise]

I have never been more grateful for the single chair by the bed whenever I've been in hospital. One visitor at a time is enough ( and if more arrive, having to stand makes their visits quick!)

 

[Frances]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

That is horrible.

We have been invited to visit Sat. It is a long drive for us. I feel very unprepared… I need to get a gift and I don’t really have time 

Now maybe you can imagine how the new parents feel x 1,000,000.

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, Scarlett said:

Yes. They appreciate the love and support. Why would I lie? 

Because twenty plus people for multiple patients is a lot. It sounds like an exaggeration, at least. 

[Scarlett]

I have also known a few who do not want a crowd. Their wishes are respected of course. 

Edited September 22, 2023 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

I have never been more grateful for the single chair by the bed whenever I've been in hospital. One visitor at a time is enough ( and if more arrive, having to stand makes their visits quick!)

 

Are you hearing me say, repeatedly,  that the people waiting aren’t in the patients room?  

[Murphy101]

12 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Nobody needs twenty family members waiting around for a surgery, regardless of how big a waiting room is. 

But what a blessing it is to have so much support if they do want those people there. We do not come in masse like that.  Usually it would 1-3 of us, with one that stays always and other people rotate out stopping by to check in and leaving.  Usually the one that stays is me bc let’s face it, I’m an unemployed mom and the expectation is that I can drop everything to be there for someone who needs or wants me there. And I’m usually happy to live up to that expectation if at all possible.   My friends or family will stop by to bring me a snack or coffee or just to chitchat while we wait.  Usually we don’t bring children at all bc they are little virus vectors.  Last time I was in hospital for a week and my husband never brought any of the kids up - not even grown ones, which hurt a lot of feelings that he was genuinely oblivious to at the time. 

10 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Mothers ARE in charge of their post partum experience! And the baby, if it comes to that! 

Yes. And no. I never felt I had any genuine control as a patient in the hospital for anything. And that’s more bc of the medical environment and or my medical state at the time than anyone visiting out of concern for me.  It was entirely thanks to those visiting or staying with me, that I was able to have a real say in anything bc they would advocate hard for me and weren’t dependent on a bed push button to make someone come listen to me.  Sometimes that person advocating for me was my husband but many times it was actually my dearest friends.  Sometimes they advocated for me against my husband even. I adore them for that.  I wish I’d had them back when I had the first half-dozen kids.  

[itsheresomewhere]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 I have been to many many surgeries with 20 or more people waiting,   The patient has ALWAYS been thrilled by the support. 

Worked in a hospital and I can tell you not all patients appreciate it at all.  Some don’t want to have to be the bad guy and leave it to us to say that they can only have the spouse/child visit.  And when a waiting room only has enough seats for 2-3 per patient, other families are affected.
 

The last procedure DH had recently, the waiting room held about 20 including the patients waiting to be taken into pre-op.  The little waiting rooms scattered all over the hospital were small and couldn’t hold more than a couple of people.  

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Frances said:

Now maybe you can imagine how the new parents feel x 1,000,000.

What? What new parents? This poster’s story isn’t every person’s story. I mean what are you even talking about?

[Terabith]

9 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I would hope that hospitals would take a look at their infection control policies and make some changes. If there isn't a good reason to be at the hospital, you shouldn't be there.

Support these days can be provided from home. 

This may be another cultural issue.  Hospitals here assume that for most patients, there is a support person there most of the time who can take care of non medical needs (helping to the toilet, assistance with feeding, etc) as well as someone who can communicate with the medical staff, take notes, and catch medical errors.  It is not really safe for someone to be in a hospital in the US without a support person for anything other than the most routine care. The kind of support that is needed cannot be provided from home.  

 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

Worked in a hospital and I can tell you not all patients appreciate it at all.  Some don’t want to have to be the bad guy and leave it to us to say that they can only have the spouse/child visit.  And when a waiting room only has enough seats for 2-3 per patient, other families are affected.
 

The last procedure DH had recently, the waiting room held about 20 including the patients waiting to be taken into pre-op.  The little waiting rooms scattered all over the hospital were small and couldn’t hold more than a couple of people.  

I have never experienced a lack of waiting room.   Good grief. And if a patient can’t be honest about what they prefer that is a complete other conversation. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Here nurses take patients to the toilet. H with showering, Make the beds and if needed feed the patient. The hospitals also have personal care assistants and student nurses doing their learning rounds that help with these tasks. 

Edited September 22, 2023 by Melissa in Australia

[Frances]

On 9/20/2023 at 6:50 AM, Murphy101 said:

Bonding with parents isn’t the only bonding babies need to feel loved.  Bonding with their children isn’t the only bonding parents need to feel loved.

Women under 40 tend to not value those outside connections as deeply as they often will later in life.  Usually with regret at how they ended up isolating themselves and then feeling they were alone in their struggles.

I never said that bonding with their children is the only bonding parents need to feel loved. And just because someone is not allowed to visit a newborn baby in the hospital hours after they are born, it does not mean they won’t later bond with the baby. But that visit could interfere with the parents bonding with their new baby, especially if it is not what the parents wanted or needed.

As for your second paragraph, is your statement evidence based or just based on your own personal experience? Because it doesn’t match what I see or experience at all.

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, Terabith said:

This may be another cultural issue.  Hospitals here assume that for most patients, there is a support person there most of the time who can take care of non medical needs (helping to the toilet, assistance with feeding, etc) as well as someone who can communicate with the medical staff, take notes, and catch medical errors.  It is not really safe for someone to be in a hospital in the US without a support person for anything other than the most routine care. The kind of support that is needed cannot be provided from home.  

 

 

Just now, Melissa in Australia said:

Here nurses take role to the toilet. Make the beds and if needed feed the patient. The hospitals also have personal care assistants and student nurses doing their learning rounds that help with these tasks. 

See above. 

[itsheresomewhere]

1 minute ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Here nurses take patients to the toilet. H with showering, Make the beds and if needed feed the patient. The hospitals also have personal care assistants and student nurses doing their learning rounds that help with these tasks. 

Hospitals here tend to not hire enough staff to go around.  What we pay in some areas and how we treat those who are taking care of patients is pathetic.  You have call a nurse who may not be able to come for awhile as they are overloaded in many places with way too many patients.  So often it is a family member taking care of those needs. 

[Frances]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

What? What new parents? This poster’s story isn’t every person’s story. I mean what are you even talking about?

You said you faced a long drive, were unprepared, and had to get a gift when you lacked the time.

The new parents asked to only have certain visitors because they just went through a physically and emotionally exhausting experience and were unprepared to receive other visitors. So imagine how they felt when someone else just showed up at the hospital, after they were nice enough to clearly communicate their needs and desires in advance. That sounds way, way worse to me than not having enough time to buy a baby gift before a long drive.

[Catwoman]

30 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Nobody needs twenty family members waiting around for a surgery, regardless of how big a waiting room is. 

I agree, and our local hospitals have massive, beautiful waiting areas for families, so it's not a matter of there not being enough space.

The problem with large groups of people waiting together is that they are often rather loud and disruptive, and while it's usually completely unintentional on their part, it can make things very stressful for the other people waiting to hear about their own family members.

A lot of people want to sit and wait quietly or just watch one of the televisions or use one of the computers to try to distract themselves from worrying, and having large groups of people making quite a bit of noise nearby can make things harder than they already are.

[Catwoman]

18 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I think since we just lived though a pandemic they know this.  Changes were made during Covid. I could not be with my parents after a major car accident and it was devastating to them. 

I remember that. It was very hard on you, too, because I know you wanted to be there to support them. 

[Scarlett]

Just now, Frances said:

You said you faced a long drive, were unprepared, and had to get a gift when you lacked the time.

The new parents asked to only have certain visitors because they just went through a physically and emotionally exhausting experience and were unprepared to receive other visitors. So imagine how they felt when someone else just showed up at the hospital, after they were nice enough to clearly communicate their needs and desires in advance. That sounds way, way worse to me than not having enough time to buy a baby gift before a long drive.

I can’t even.  I am probably tired or maybe tired and stupid but you are not making  sense.  You quoated me replying to a poster who had a horrific birth and a horrifically inconsiderate and rude MIL.  I offered sympathy.  And you then asked if I could understand? I just said I did.  
 

Me being unprepared to visit and not having a gift has nothing to do with the poster I quoted nor with my great nieces birth. 

[Catwoman]

6 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Here nurses take patients to the toilet. H with showering, Make the beds and if needed feed the patient. The hospitals also have personal care assistants and student nurses doing their learning rounds that help with these tasks. 

They do that in US hospitals, too. I know some hospitals are better than others, but I'm sure that's the case all over the world. 

In my family, we have always tried to have a family member with the patient at all times, but it hasn't been because the care was no good; it was because it was quicker and easier for us to help the patient with little things that they would otherwise have to call a nurse to do, and they also liked having the company. It's stressful to be in the hospital (as you well know!) and having a close family member there can really help to alleviate a lot of that stress.

[Frances]

7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

. And if a patient can’t be honest about what they prefer that is a complete other conversation. 

No, it’s not. The patient is the one most experiencing the pain, trauma, fear, etc. of being in the hospital. Knowing that some people think they are doing something wrong by not wanting hordes of visitors could be enough for some to not feel like they can really say what they want when they are in such a vulnerable and often stressful situation.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Frances said:

No, it’s not. The patient is the one most experiencing the pain, trauma, fear, etc. of being in the hospital. Knowing that some people think they are doing something wrong by not wanting hordes of visitors could be enough for some to not feel like they can really say what they want when they are in such a vulnerable and often stressful situation.

Yes it is. Some patients really want people nearby.  Are we suppose to disregard their wishes because not everyone can clearly communicate preferences? 

[itsheresomewhere]

12 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I have never experienced a lack of waiting room.   Good grief. And if a patient can’t be honest about what they prefer that is a complete other conversation. 

For some it is also they had some hilarious idea that after a major surgery they were going to be like they were 20 years ago.  They felt so ashamed about not wanting the visitors.  And some have been honest with their family, they just chose to not listen as how could they not want people there.  

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Frances said:

No, it’s not. The patient is the one most experiencing the pain, trauma, fear, etc. of being in the hospital. Knowing that some people think they are doing something wrong by not wanting hordes of visitors could be enough for some to not feel like they can really say what they want when they are in such a vulnerable and often stressful situation.

Also, usually the loved ones of people have an idea and people act accordingly. I Have seen it play out both ways. 

[Melissa Louise]

16 minutes ago, Terabith said:

This may be another cultural issue.  Hospitals here assume that for most patients, there is a support person there most of the time who can take care of non medical needs (helping to the toilet, assistance with feeding, etc) as well as someone who can communicate with the medical staff, take notes, and catch medical errors.  It is not really safe for someone to be in a hospital in the US without a support person for anything other than the most routine care. The kind of support that is needed cannot be provided from home.  

 

A person.

Not twenty people. 

[Scarlett]

Just now, itsheresomewhere said:

For some it is also they had some hilarious idea that after a major surgery they were going to be like they were 20 years ago.  They felt so ashamed about not wanting the visitors.  And some have been honest with their family, they just chose to not listen as how could they not want people there.  

Sure there are a million possibilities. Including that they like the support. 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

A person.

Not twenty people. 

Ok. I am pretty sure we both speak English.  I have said over and over 20 people are not in the room.

[Murphy101]

10 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

How many surgeries is the hospital doing a day 

Pending the hospital she’s referring to, dozens to hundreds. The children’s hospital alone claims to do 7400 pediatric surgeries a year. And children are often the ones to have 20 people in visiting waiting.  Not that adults never do, but kids?  People tend to be a lot more worried about that and want emotional support. 

Same goes for elderly.  My mom and dad died at home so that made it easy. Only people invited were allowed to come over. I didn’t care who they wanted over. But I made it clear that unless mom/dad expressed a desire to see them, then they could call but not come by bc what the dying wanted was the priority and they all had their entire lives to make an effort to spend time with them if they’d wanted to.  Yeah.  I know.  I’ve never been popular anyways.

But when my grandma died at the hospital, it took a few days, and that place was PACKED. The room? Only 1-2 at a time. But dadblum. Grandma had 8  kids who all had spouses and who all had 1-4 grown kids, and then some mostly or actually grown great grandchildren. It was standing room only in the waiting lobby area.

[Melissa Louise]

Dying isn't surgery.

I will die on the hill of it being a crazy idea that twenty - twenty! - family members show up at a hospital when someone is having surgery. 

Pray from home. Send a text. 

Who even TELLS twenty people they are having surgery, lol? 

[Melissa Louise]

How do twenty people have time off to go wait for hours at a hospital?! Sooo many questions.

[itsheresomewhere]

3 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Dying isn't surgery.

I will die on the hill of it being a crazy idea that twenty - twenty! - family members show up at a hospital when someone is having surgery. 

Pray from home. Send a text. 

Who even TELLS twenty people they are having surgery, lol? 

The ones who when I worked had this were- Often they tell the one family member who tells everyone and invites everyone. 

 Or they ask for prayers in church and then everyone shows up.  

 

Edited September 22, 2023 by itsheresomewhere

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

How do twenty people have time off to go wait for hours at a hospital?! Sooo many questions.

If it's a close family member and it's a large family, it's not at all uncommon for them all to take time off from work to go to the hospital, particularly in the case where it's a very dangerous or risky surgery.

[Frances]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

How do twenty people have time off to go wait for hours at a hospital?! Sooo many questions.

I’m with you that 20 people in a waiting room for one surgery is crazy. But statistically speaking, retired people probably have more surgeries than young people, so I guess more of their friends would also be retired. And if it was major, life threatening surgery (like they might not make it through), then likely adult children would try to take off work.

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, itsheresomewhere said:

The ones who when I worked had this were- Often they tell the one family member tells everyone.

 Or they ask for prayers in church and then everyone shows up.  

 

I have seen large groups of people show up in waiting rooms to pray together for a loved one. Those groups tend to be very quiet and respectful of others.

[Renai]

5 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

The ones who when I worked had this were- Often they tell the one family member tells everyone and invites everyone.

 Or they ask for prayers in church and then everyone shows up.  

 

Our prayer list includes people who might want visitors, and stipulate when (days, times, when such-and-such family member is present, etc.) and are told to CALL FIRST to make sure. And these people aren't even in surgery, maybe shut-in. I can't fathom just showing up to someone's surgery or birth without being asked to be there.

Edited September 22, 2023 by Renai

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Dying isn't surgery.

I will die on the hill of it being a crazy idea that twenty - twenty! - family members show up at a hospital when someone is having surgery. 

Pray from home. Send a text. 

Who even TELLS twenty people they are having surgery, lol? 

People different from you. 

[itsheresomewhere]

Just now, Catwoman said:

I have seen large groups of people show up in waiting rooms to pray together for a loved one. Those groups tend to be very quiet and respectful of others.

Sadly not all.  Some are just downright rude and loud.  One group used the waiting room as a way get people to Jesus. That group couldn’t get why I called security and is probably still praying for my “uncaring soul” as I was told. Or they bring kids and let them run amuck. I can’t tell you how often I was told off by some of these groups.  
 

The nice ones noticed when someone needed a seat, were respectful and quiet.  

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Renai said:

Our prayer list includes people who might want visitors, and stipulate when (days, times, when such-and-such family member is present, etc.) and are told to CALL FIRST to make sure. And these people aren't even in surgery, maybe shut-in. I can't fathom just showing up to someone's surgery or birth without being asked to be there.

Right. Me either. 

[itsheresomewhere]

2 minutes ago, Renai said:

Our prayer list includes people who might want visitors, and stipulate when (days, times, when such-and-such family member is present, etc.) and are told to CALL FIRST to make sure. And these people aren't even in surgery, maybe shut-in. I can't fathom just showing up to someone's surgery or birth without being asked to be there.

That was how it was done in my mother’s church.  I honestly thought most did it that way until I saw it working.  

[annandatje]

3 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Dying isn't surgery.

I will die on the hill of it being a crazy idea that twenty - twenty! - family members show up at a hospital when someone is having surgery. 

Pray from home. Send a text. 

Who even TELLS twenty people they are having surgery, lol? 

I was wondering same thing re who tells 20 people they’re having surgery.  In fact, I’ve long ago stopped sharing medical info with people who have shared the info without my approval.  Husband, adult children (only one lives in my city), sister and good friend are on my short list.  During surgeries, only my husband is allowed.  I honestly would be appalled to learn that 20 people knew my personal medical business and were waiting while my surgery was done.  My husband darn sure would not feel supported.

[Melissa in Australia]

17 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

Pending the hospital she’s referring to, dozens to hundreds. The children’s hospital alone claims to do 7400 pediatric surgeries a year. And children are often the ones to have 20 people in visiting waiting.  Not that adults never do, but kids?  People tend to be a lot more worried about that and want emotional support. 

Same goes for elderly.  My mom and dad died at home so that made it easy. Only people invited were allowed to come over. I didn’t care who they wanted over. But I made it clear that unless mom/dad expressed a desire to see them, then they could call but not come by bc what the dying wanted was the priority and they all had their entire lives to make an effort to spend time with them if they’d wanted to.  Yeah.  I know.  I’ve never been popular anyways.

But when my grandma died at the hospital, it took a few days, and that place was PACKED. The room? Only 1-2 at a time. But dadblum. Grandma had 8  kids who all had spouses and who all had 1-4 grown kids, and then some mostly or actually grown great grandchildren. It was standing room only in the waiting lobby area.

That could mean thousands of people with no medical reason filling the hospital every day. 😲😲😲

To me this is completely mind blowing