Help me domesticate myself. Please.

[The Governess]

I don't consider myself a good homemaker. I am rational. I am great at researching, at getting the bills paid, at organizing and planning. I love learning. I love teaching. I can keep the house uncluttered and for the most part clean. I love having friends and family over and organizing parties and gatherings. I love reading to the girls and doing school with them.

 

But: I can't motivate myself to cook good meals for my family on a regular basis. My husband does most of the cooking. I'm not good at playing with or just *being* with my children - it is a forced behavior for me a lot of the time. Lots of times I would rather just go off and read a book by myself. It's getting much easier as they get out of the toddler stage, but I'm still not where I want to be. Overall, I don't really feel like I take care of my family the way I should. Being a present, active, emotionally involved mom is a role that overwhelms me often. Most of the time, I feel like dh is making up for what I should be doing.

 

I want to give my family more than I am right now. I want my dh to be able to come home from work to a yummy meal on the table. I want our house to feel like a real home, full of warmth and good food, a haven. I want my girls to grow up with a mother that is always available, and have memories of wonderful times shared. I don't want to be the mom that is annoyed because my dd has asked me to play Memory with her one too many times, or serves her kids cheerios for breakfast every morning because she would rather drink her coffee in front of the computer than put a hot meal together and enjoy it with them.

 

I know that a lot of the difficulty I have comes from how I was raised: we ate a lot of tv dinners, my mom rarely cleaned the house, and she slept till noon while we watched tv. I have never had a real relationship with my mom and I doubt I ever will. I don't want to continue this in my own family. I want to be a different mom to my kids, and a different wife to my husband. I think I've come a long way, but I still feel so ill-equipped. Thank goodness my dh's mom taught him the things my mom never taught me.

 

It's not like our home life is cold or we don't enjoy each other, we do. I LOVE my family and they mean everything to me. I just feel like sometimes I don't know how to fill my role properly. I WANT to do more and make attempts, get overwhelmed, and give up. Can I become this woman I desperately want to be, or is this always going to be a struggle for me? Reading these boards has helped me, because I see all the things that you good moms are doing and so I have some examples to follow, but sometimes I get depressed because I feel like I'll just never get to the point where these things come naturally.

 

Does anyone here have any advice? I would especially love to hear from anyone who doesn't feel like they are natural "homemaker" material who has overcome this obstacle and become one for their family, in spite of their upbringing or personality.

 

Thanks for listening. :001_smile:

[Julie in Austin]

Well, I think the food issue is easier than the "constant availability and playing" issue, which I also struggle with, so here goes:

 

Cook in the morning. Crock pot. Bread machine. Rice cooker. I have energy in the morning, we're home in the morning. Fresh bread makes me feel like a cross between Ma Ingalls and Martha Stewart and takes maybe five minutes. Everything in the crock pot is easy. And so even though I'm usually a puddle by 5pm, dinner is done.

[dragons in the flower bed]

I WANT to do more and make attempts, get overwhelmed, and give up.

 

I was alone a lot when I was a child, too. In a house full of noisy, active people, my instinct is to go hide in a book. The computer is like a never ending story. So I can sympathize.

 

My advice is to change one thing at a time. If you want to make hot breakfasts, do that but still let yourself have coffee by the computer. After you are comfortable in that routine, add eating with the children.

 

Also, if there's something that's particularly overwhelming, drop something else you find easy while you are learning to do the new task.

 

Finally, remember the rule of thumb that it takes forty days to form a habit. When I wanted to get back into making bread after four years of "I really need to do that again someday," I made a loaf every day for forty days.

[athena1277]

Sometimes I get stuck in the "I really ought to's" also. I struggle to with some of the things you mentioned sometimes. I think the best thing to do is to realize that you are not perfect. No one is as perfect as the TV moms of the 50's who had perfect families and cleaned and cooked in a nice dress and heels! Try to figure out what is most important to you and focus on that. Then as you can work in the rest. There's nothing wrong with a simple dinner if your focus is on eating together at the table. It sounds like you have already come a lot further than your mom on how you treat your family.

:grouphug::grouphug:

[klmama]

Is your dh happy making most of the meals? Does he cook well? If he's happy doing it, and he does it well, there's no reason for you to feel bad about not doing it. I know several families in which the dh does most of the cooking, and it works for them. No reason to change if the system works for your family.

 

However, if HE wants you to cook more, take Julie in Austin's suggestions and use the crock pot! Once you've learned to do that well, move on to bulk cooking and freezing, even if it's only doubling recipes. There's nothing like being able to pull stuff from the freezer after supper one night so the next night will have a great meal (or at the last minute and microwaving). Since you like researching, get some bulk cooking books and figure out what recipes will work best for your family. Maybe you and your dh could cook together, with a little "help" from the dc, making future meal times easier for both cooks, no matter who prepares the meal.

 

As for spending time with the dc.... Honestly? I think it gets easier the older they get. Your dc are still very young. They are very needy, just because of their age, and that can be hard on an introvert. Babies, toddlers, and preschoolers are all sweet, but they are tiring. I have enjoyed mine best after age 5. Around that age their thinking skills seem to improve. Also, learning to read gives them a solitary activity to do for awhile, so they aren't constantly wanting my attention. As an introvert, I can only handle so much, but that doesn't make me a bad mom. I don't think it makes you one, either. When mine were younger, my dh was more involved in their care, simply because I really needed him to be. He's a great husband and dad. However, the fact that I needed him to help that way didn't mean I was a bad wife or mother. I just needed help. If you need help, accept it gratefully, and be glad you were blessed with a guy that doesn't have a problem with getting involved!

 

One other thought: you mentioned your mom sleeping until noon. Did she suffer from depression? If so, you should know there is a heriditary component to many such issues. If you feel you may be depressed and that's affecting your ability to care for your dc, please seek out some help. However, if you just feel down because you don't think you are "doing it right," I urge you to really talk with your dh to get his opinion on where you stand. It sounds like he's a great guy and would have good input for you.

[Happy]

I don't do this naturally either. I was actually giving myself a similar lecture just the other day...;)

 

I agree--hit the food issue first. Meals together build a lot of memories and bonding time.

 

So...make a menu for all the meals you are responsiblie for in a given week. I find one of the hardest things to do is decide what to have. If that's done, I can shop with that meal in mind which is the other hard thing. Actually fixing it is not as hard as it seems.

 

Sit down together. Have a few topics of conversation thought about. Encourage interaction. Clean up as a family.

 

If, at the end of the day, you have sat face to face with your dc, if you have done homeschool stuff with them, then reward yourself. Chocolate, a hot bath and a good book....whatever.

 

My guys are nearly grown and I can retire to my room quite a bit earlier than I used to. That helps.

[elegantlion]

I am a work in progress as well. My mom never taught me housekeeping, she was the type that would rather do it herself than teach. :glare:

 

My dh would make a great stay at home dad, he is very domestic. However, he works 6 days a week so many of the household tasks fall to me.

 

I HATE to cook. I don't use that word a lot, but I truly hate it. I refuse to do a menu as I don't want to know what I'm eating Thursday night two weeks from now, that is stifling to me. We have a simple menu and I keep the basics in the house so I can pull something together on the fly. I try to introduce something new at least once a month, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.

 

Ds does part of the cleaning, he is paid for it. I tend to clean as I see things dirty.

 

I find that being with my ds all day makes me feel the need for some me time after school. I take it and then I try to focus and listen to him when he needs me. We build in some goof off time into our schooling so we still bond in a non-academic way.

 

I'm still working on many of these things, so you are not alone. :grouphug:

[Tree House Academy]

I am going to put this gently...having been where you are about 3-4 years ago myself. It falls on you and you alone. You have to make the changes, get into the routines, and force the behavior until it becomes natural and enjoyable. Some will disagree, but I can't tell you that I have ever loved cooking. It is a chore...as is house keeping and sometimes, unfortunately, playing with my kids when I would rather be doing other things. With things like that, you just have to make the change. You know what you want to be...and you can not, WILL not be what you want to be without you and you alone drawing a line in the sand and putting forth the effort to become more motivated and more like the mother you want to be.

 

It took me seeking a counselor, discovering a TON about myself, taking lexapro to ease some depression I have suffered with, and finally, just deciding to be the person I want to be. It has made the world of difference in my marriage and in my LIFE.

 

Best of luck to you!

[lionfamily1999]

FYI, Claire Huxtable, June Cleaver and Roseanne were all TV characters.

 

Do you love your kids? Do you answer the ever important questions they pose (Mom, what is a 'virgin')? Do you interact with them on a daily basis? Do you spy on them on their first dates, to make sure they're safe? Do you lie to them for their own good? Are you honest with them for their own good? Can you open and close the majority of doors in your home without sending a tidal wave of 'stuff' across the floor?

 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you're doing pretty well. Strive to be the best, but don't burn yourself out in the process. I never wear dresses. Never. I used to believe that, once I was married, I would live in long dresses and heels, dusting and baking with a gentle halo around my head. Then, I got married. My husband would rather hang out with me eating spaghetti for the umpteenth time than watch me slump, exhausted over a beautiful dinner.

[Erica in PA]

You know, it's okay not to be perfect. It sounds to me that you are doing a good job of being a mom and raising your children. It's great to strive for improvement, but please don't mistake not being perfect for being horrible. There is no such thing as a perfect person, or a perfect mother. Some aspects of it come more naturally to some than to others... very little of it comes naturally to me, personally. My mom was a single parent, and though I did feel loved by her and am extremely grateful for that, I have had to learn pretty much everything else on my own. I can beat myself up comparing myself to other moms I know, or to my own standard of what the ideal mom should be, or I can be grateful that God has helped me to come as far as I have. That doesn't mean I don't continually try to be the best I can be, but it does mean accepting that when I am doing my best, that is *good*. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing far, far more for your children than what you experienced growing up, and how many people can truthfully say that? That is a big accomplishment, and something to be proud of.

[angela in ohio]

Wow, have I been there! I graduated in 1992 college prep from a public school which meant I was bound for a high-paying corporate job with a maid (probably a robot, of course.) We were bound to break glass ceilings... No one taught me to cook, to clean, or anything of the sort.

 

Everything I know about keeping a home I have learned from books, the internet, and friends.

 

I recommend Home Comforts and The Hidden Art of Homemaking. Also send for a catalog from UrbanHomemaker.com and find more books that suit your interest.

 

That's the practical side. For the relationship side, I recommend The Power of a Positive Mom (children)and Creative Counterpart (husband, conservative - don't know if that suits you, but take what you can from it if not.)

[Erica in PA]

Wow, have I been there! I graduated in 1992 college prep from a public school which meant I was bound for a high-paying corporate job with a maid (probably a robot, of course.) We were bound to break glass ceilings... No one taught me to cook, to clean, or anything of the sort.

 

Everything I know about keeping a home I have learned from books, the internet, and friends.

 

 

That is me to a tee!!! Including the year of graduation!! You are so right about that mindset... I never, ever thought I'd stay at home with my children, let alone homeschool, let alone cook or clean! I was going to be a career woman, there was no doubt. :tongue_smilie:

[Jzsnow]

I suck at homemaking. Honest. I was raised by a single dad, and he was gone all the time to work. My mom didn't enter my life till I was 16...well not really anyways. I saw her 2x a year, then moved with her at the age of 16. My mother was always annoyed that we were born. She will flat out tell you that I, and my 12 year old sister, were mistakes and are an annoyance to her. So, I grew up not knowing how to do anything! NOTHING. I couldn't even clean house.

 

I am learning. I have been married 5 years, and have 3 children. I find myself falling into my mothers way of life, and ignoring my children during the day. My children have been known to watch 8 hours worth of movies and then quickly turn it off when dad comes home. What did I do in that time you ask? I sat my frumpy butt on the comfy chair and watched TV and posted and read online. I just had no motivation to do anything with them. All I knew how to do was sit. Not that I have an excuse, because I knew better...but I didn't know how to change. I am still in the learning and changing stage, as I'm afraid I will always be, but i've come a long way. I have a hot meal that is healthy on the table every night. Here are some tips that I have found useful:

 

1. Allrecipes.com have fabulous recipes! AND, they have great reviews so I can know people liked them.

 

2. Flylady.com. Her e-mails annoyed me, but they worked. Also, I checked out her book from the library. It was fantastic. So much so that I bought it!

 

3. I have to take time for myself. Not in a negative way, but in a recharging way. I need time alone to read, think, and exercise. I am my best when I am refreshed. I try to workout 5 days a week.

 

4. I cut out all sugary crap from our diets. Also, we cut out a lot of junk food. Now that I am eating whole foods, i don't feel lethargic anymore.

 

5. I am trying this this coming week. I am going to shut my computer off during the day. If I don't have it on, I won't be on it. This will be hard for me.

 

6. I plan activites to do almost daily. Monday is a no activity day, but we clean and plan meals, and start our week off. Tuesday we go to the library, zoo, or science center. Wednesday we usually don't do much, but have my inlaws over during the day and then prayer group that night. Thursdays we have playdates. Fridays we eat lunch then go to the park or chicj-fil-a to play. It helps to get out and do things with the kids. And, none of that cost money.

 

I really hope i've helped a little. I am in this journey too. However, I want my children to grow up with fond memories and I want my daughters to grow up knowing how to be a mother! We are in this together, PM me if you want to talk more or be accountable!

 

Jessica

[Tree House Academy]

Did someone just refer to Roseanne in the same sentence as June Cleaver??? :blink::scared:

 

 

:lol:

[Nestof3]

I would urge you to find what works for your family. We all eat breakfast at different times, and I eat mine in front of the computer after my coffee. The boys usually eat theirs on little tables in the living area while watching a short movie or my middle son loves eating breakfast while listening to an audio book on his bed in his room. This is actually quite fun for the boys. When they watch Beatrix Potter's The Tale of Pigling Bland, they request oatmeal.

 

I don't cook for breakfast. We eat pancakes and such for dinner sometimes, but that is one meal each person gets for himself (I do help the little ones when they need it). The young boys and I eat lunch together, and we all eat dinner together in the kitchen.

 

Our family isn't a Leave it to Beaver family, but I think it all works out fine.

 

I do the cooking, and I find having a few standard meals really helps. I winged it the other night with chicken thighs, though. I didn't have any marinade, so I dumped some honey mustard and a little honey, salt, pepper and garlic powder on the chicken and baked. I served it with the honey baked lentils that have been discussed here, rolls, and mixed veggies.

 

Try to write down 14 meals and just rotate.

 

Learning to make leftover soup is worthwhile as well. I take leftover meats, grains/pasta and veggies, add chicken broth, onion, minced garlic, salt, pepper and anything else needed to a pot. Heat through. Serve with bread and salad.

 

I've also gotten better about freezing leftover meat. I just chop it in chunks and freeze. That way I have meat to throw into soup or to use in quesadillas.

 

Another suggestion is to buy meat in bulk, cook it all and freeze in one-pound portions already chopped or whatever. I do this with ground beef so that I have a bag of beef for soup, tacos, spaghetti, etc. I do the same with chicken. I boil a whole chicken, use the broth for soup and pull apart the chicken pieces for other meals.

 

For broth, I add a quartered onion, some large strips of celery and large chunks of carrots. Add minced garlic, salt and pepper. Strain the liquid through a colander when you've removed the chicken.

 

I hope some of this helps.

[lionfamily1999]

Did someone just refer to Roseanne in the same sentence as June Cleaver??? :blink::scared:

 

 

:lol:

Lol, I was trying to be all inclusive.

[The Governess]

Thanks so much for your replies and suggestions, and for sharing your experiences with me. It's so encouraging to know that there are others out there that have to actually work at this like I do.

 

Yes, my dh is a great cook, but he doesn't get home until 6 and then once he starts dinner we aren't eating until 7 or so, which is really too late for the girls. It would be much easier on all of us if I got dinner started earlier and had it ready when he got home, then we could eat and enjoy our evening. And my dh doesn't like having to do all the cooking himself. I have a crockpot and need to use it more often; I also have a breadmaker (but haven't had much luck with any of the recipes I've tried) and some cookbooks that I like.

 

I like the idea of doing one thing at first, and then adding something else later. I think cooking would be a good place to start, and at least my 4 yo could help me and that would give us something to do together that she would enjoy (she loves helping in the kitchen). I'm going to start with trying to cook dinner three times a week, and see how it goes.

 

It's funny, I never knew I was an introvert until I had kids that wanted to do things with me all.the.time. That's when I realized how much I like doing so many things by myself.

 

I know I'll never be the perfect mom....I just want to be for my girls what I wish my mom could have been for me. I do think my mom was probably depressed when I was growing up, and I don't get depressed, but I tend to get anxious when I'm overly hormonal (after pregnancy, during my teenage years, etc.). I learned to deal with the anxiety by just burying my head in the sand when things got to be too much, and I think I still do this to an extent if something overwhelms me. So baby steps are definitely in order.

 

Thanks for giving me a starting point and letting me know I'm not alone. :001_smile:

[Peela]

Your post touched my heart and I can relate to it- I think your desire to do your best for your family will simply head you in the right direction, slowly slowly- but don't compare yourself to other mums. We all have our gifts and sometimes it's not obviously to us what they are.

I hardly ever sat on the floor and played with my kids when they were little (or now) because that's just about torture to me, even though I see other parents do it and actually seem to enjoy it. However, I loved to take my kids for walks, to the beach, and teach them the names of wild flowers. And I love to read to them. I can't be all things to them, and when they were little I tried as much as I could to combine what nourished me, with what made them happy (like I would take them to a fenced in park and do my yoga or read a book while they played).

Homemaking certainly hasn't come easy to me- it wasn't until I discovered Flylady that I lifted myself out of the space you are in, feeling inadequate and overwhelmed and not knowing the way through, into a positive space. Babysteps. If you can grasp the essence of the Flylady attitude and system, it can be really helpful- I joined before it was quite as commercial sounding as it is today- it was simpler- but the essence of the system is still there (and free) and it is great for loving and being kind on yourself while learning to be a good homemaker.

 

Some of us are good with little kids- some of us are not so good with little kids but really enjoy our older kids, and some thrive on teens, and others just dont handle kids well at all, but we all do our best and we can't be different from how we are except by slow steps. Just keeping babies and toddlers alive is a huge thing! You are doing wonderfully. I think many of us grow into mothering and homemaking- its certinaly been a long journey for me. Having little kids is boring and lonely for many of us- but it does get easier. The lack of community support and even family support such as they get in traditional cultures where grandparents are very involved- there really is a deficit in our culture, and its very hard on young mums.

 

I find I grow in different areas. I learned to just keep the kitchen clean, and that made me feel more like cooking. I go through stages of reading cook books. I might then get an urge to decorate a bedroom. I followed my interests and still do. I am on a health kick at the moment and everyone is on green smoothies (loaded with supplements like spirulina), sprouts and salads (it's summer here) and multivitamins. That hopefully somewhat compensates for not cooking a decent meal every night- my family are all so fussy, and in different ways, we probably only eat together 3-4 nights a week.

 

Acknowledge what you are doing and giving already and then move forward from there, a little bit at a time.

[stripe]

I think American women try to learn how to cook too many different kinds of foods. Specialize. Learn how to cook 3 to 5 different things and then rotate them. You don't need to be an expert on American food, Japanese food, Indian food, Italian food, and Tex-Mex, plus baking, in order to be a good cook. Especially if you have a cooking husband, you may be trying to do to much when you think about cooking. Just get a few dishes under your belt and then you can crank them out without pondering too much.

 

My mother taught herself how to bake two cakes. She makes them well, one of them is really unique while one is a nice standard, and she makes one of them for virtually all events. But no one gets tired of them, because at most they eat it twice a year! So now she has the confidence to try new things.

 

Focus on the kids. I don't think you need to be obsessed with your children, but keep working on your relationship with them.

 

Cooking with kids can be fun too.

[The Governess]

I hardly ever sat on the floor and played with my kids when they were little (or now) because that's just about torture to me, even though I see other parents do it and actually seem to enjoy it. However, I loved to take my kids for walks, to the beach, and teach them the names of wild flowers. And I love to read to them. I can't be all things to them, and when they were little I tried as much as I could to combine what nourished me, with what made them happy

 

Thanks so much for sharing this. It's so hard because my oldest is VERY extroverted and wants to be doing something with me at all times. The only time I have without her attached to me is if the tv is on (which I really try not to do that often), or if she is having her required daily quiet time in her room. The rest of the day she is at my elbow, wondering what else we can do together. It really is exhausting to me. But I don't want it to be! I really want to fill that need for her. Maybe I'm asking too much of myself, but I feel bad that it doesn't come naturally to me.

 

I have done flylady, and I think I have a pretty good system down with keeping up with the house and bills at least. Other things, like the garden and bigger projects, are harder to keep up with. But my concern isn't so much about having a clean, perfectly managed home, but rather that I want my family to feel like their needs are met, they look forward to being at home, and I look forward to them being here. Growing up I really looked forward to going to friends' homes because their mothers were so much different than mine, so welcoming and safe and, well, motherly. I promised myself that when I was a mom I was going to be *that* kind. But now I'm finding it more difficult that I thought I would.

 

Thanks for giving me so much to think about. I'm hopeful that I can find a good balance, one that provides what my family needs but also allows me to be myself. :001_smile:

[JenniferB]

I would especially love to hear from anyone who doesn't feel like they are natural "homemaker" material who has overcome this obstacle and become one for their family, in spite of their upbringing or personality.

 

WOW! I can really relate to you and your situation. I think I might be a few years past where you are now, so maybe I can be of a little help. I was raised by a single mom. She was very loving and kept a clean house especially when guests were coming over, and cooked, usually on Sundays, but because she was overworked and felt like her personal needs weren't being met, she was distant and often off taking care of herself. I understand her troubles now, and why she was the way she was, and I don't hold any grudges. I caused her many of her troubles, and we have reconciled all these problems, and we have a good relationship now, finally.

 

Being raised by a single mother, I didn't learn anything about taking care of a husband, and I learned little about taking care of children and a home. About 6 years into marriage and 1 child added to the family, my husband and I made arrangements for me to be a stay at home mom. This was like a dream come true for me, but not one from childhood. After having my first child, like the moment after birth, I wanted to stay home with her. Our financial situation at the time prohibited me from staying at home for more than 3 weeks, so I went back to work, in our family owned print shop, and I took my daughter with me. It was a very difficult few years for me and my husband. We put our daughter in a toddler Montessori school at around 1 1/2 yrs. old and by the time she was 3 yrs. old we were finally in a place where I could work from home. We took our daughter out of the Montessori school, and I kept her home with me while I worked from my computer and phone at home. I was really out of place there; like a fish out of water. For a long while I used the TV and my daughter's ability to play pretend to take care of her while I worked at the computer and on the phone most of the day. About a year into coming home, and after our employee was getting the hang of taking over my job, I was able to engage more with my daughter. I started homeschooling to spend more time with her, because this gave me *something* to do. I didn't really know how to just play and be with her. So, we did projects and Explode the Code, and I taught her to read, and we did some math. Then, I had a baby, and most of our time together was spent playing with and taking care of the baby. A year later, we had another baby. Days were spent taking care of everyone! Then, we moved, twice! Those were some really transitional years. We didn't have too many opportunities for good quality time together, just lots of planning, doing, and planning, and doing. Now, we have 4 children.

 

As for engaging with my children, I go back and forth with good times of engagement, and lots of computer time, distant from them. I love to plan and research, just like you. I could spend all day on the computer, perfectly content. My children can play on their own fairly well, so I have to work hard at engaging with them. We've had a few weeks of school off, and that has taken me back to the computer again. I've been reading and posting a lot in these last two weeks. Dh and the kids are watching Back to the Future right now, so here I am at the computer. I would rather be reading and writing than watching TV, or playing games. This is one area that I really want to improve upon this year. We are done having babies (at least as much as we can control it). So, I feel like it's time to start some new habits of engaging with the children more, and really getting down to raising them right, and developing good relationships. This will take breaking some habits, lots of practice, discipline and God's grace.

 

Regarding cooking, it was a very slow transition to cook for the family, but eventually I learned to cook meals. A few things helped me very much. I have an old 1950's Betty Crocker cookbook, which is very informative on the basics. It has basic information like baking, boiling, and frying potatoes, roasting different kinds of meats, how to make pancakes, how to cook eggs in various ways, etc. etc. I used this cookbook first to learn the basics of cooking, and I made notes in the cookbook whenever I discovered something on my own that I wanted to remember later. I still use this cookbook all the time, but now that I have a little more background and experience, I can tweak recipes to our family liking. Later I discovered Allrecipes.com. I used, and still use, this website to find recipes of particular things that I want to make, or to just type in a few ingredients I have on hand to see what different recipes I can make with them. After about 8 years of practice, and plugging along, and grace from God and my family, I now make dinner every night for a family of 6, plus 3 international students who live with us. I also make pancakes in the morning!

 

As for house cleaning, that just takes practice too, and I still struggle to keep things clean and organized. My house is really clean when people come over (childhood habit), but on a day to day basis it could use some improvement. Practice, practice, practice...discipline, discipline, discipline...

 

One thing that keeps me going, is something that one of my good friends said to me. This is someone who I admire very much in her mothering and homemaking. She said that when you fail one day, just get right back up and try again tomorrow. I really liked that advice, because I'm the type to go 110% on something, then if I fail one day, I just give up totally. But, with my steady friend's advice, when I fail one day I am encouraged to just try again tomorrow. This also goes for weeks and months. If I find myself weeks or months into a bad habit, I know I can just start fresh the next day, and try again!

 

You can do it! You are motivated by love for your husband and your children, and you have the goals you want for yourself and your family in mind. That's a great place to start! If you are a Christian believer, I will advise you to pray, and trust in God. Also, you must practice those things that are uncomfortable, implement self discipline to resist those things that are easy to go back to (like the computer, and TV dinners, or dh cooking), get right back up when you fail, and just try again. Eventually, it will get easier, and your husband will cook less, and you will cook more, you will learn to engage with your children (needs improvement here), and several years later your family roles and habits will be more to your liking. You can do it! I can do it! We all can do it!:hurray:

 

No I never made it into highschool cheerleading, though I tried out several times. :confused:

Their loss, right? :D

[Peela]

It's so hard because my oldest is VERY extroverted and wants to be doing something with me at all times. The only time I have without her attached to me is if the tv is on (which I really try not to do that often), or if she is having her required daily quiet time in her room. The rest of the day she is at my elbow, wondering what else we can do together. It really is exhausting to me. But I don't want it to be! I really want to fill that need for her. Maybe I'm asking too much of myself, but I feel bad that it doesn't come naturally to me.

 

 

 

I think you are very normal, and different kids have different levels of "neediness". My son wanted to attach to me 24/7 for many years.

 

I read a book called Parachutes for Parents many years back and something stuck in my mind from it. Kids pick up whether you have boundaries against them- when you are withdrawn, walled off. They are sensitive and know- and it makes them needy when you are not energetically available most of the time. When I read that I realised it was true and it helped me be more available when I was actually with them- because I remembered how distant my own mother was even when she was right there with me. So I tried to, and try to, be as present to my kids as I can, even though I may be doing three other things at once. Then, I feel a lot less guilty when I need to go to my room and shut teh door and read a book for some alone time.

But being present to them only means including them, chatting with them, letting them be around while you do what you need to do- it doesnt mean giving them 100% attention of sitting down playing with them all the time- particlarly if they have siblings. The Continuum Concept taught me that and it was also very freeing to me. Having them help me do what I needed to do- cook, clean, drive places- is more important than playing Barbies with them, although I know many parents who actually enjoy playing Barbies with their kids.

[The Governess]

One thing that keeps me going, is something that one of my good friends said to me. This is someone who I admire very much in her mothering and homemaking. She said that when you fail one day, just get right back up and try again tomorrow. I really liked that advice, because I'm the type to go 110% on something, then if I fail one day, I just give up totally.

 

The 110% is totally me also. Thanks for the reminder. And thanks for everything you shared in your post and for giving me some hope! Cooking for nine, wow! It makes me tired just to think about it. :lol: If I can just learn to feed my little family of four I will be ecstatic!

 

And yes, their loss, you're a great cheerleader. :D

 

I think you are very normal, and different kids have different levels of "neediness". My son wanted to attach to me 24/7 for many years.

 

I read a book called Parachutes for Parents many years back and something stuck in my mind from it. Kids pick up whether you have boundaries against them- when you are withdrawn, walled off. They are sensitive and know- and it makes them needy when you are not energetically available most of the time. When I read that I realised it was true and it helped me be more available when I was actually with them- because I remembered how distant my own mother was even when she was right there with me. So I tried to, and try to, be as present to my kids as I can, even though I may be doing three other things at once. Then, I feel a lot less guilty when I need to go to my room and shut teh door and read a book for some alone time.

But being present to them only means including them, chatting with them, letting them be around while you do what you need to do- it doesnt mean giving them 100% attention of sitting down playing with them all the time- particlarly if they have siblings. The Continuum Concept taught me that and it was also very freeing to me. Having them help me do what I needed to do- cook, clean, drive places- is more important than playing Barbies with them, although I know many parents who actually enjoy playing Barbies with their kids.

 

I have wondered if I'm the cause of dd's neediness because I'm not as available to her as she needs me to be. I don't want to be a distant mother!! Thanks for sharing this, I'm going to try to just include her more in my activities and see if that solves the problem. And I just added that book to my wishlist. :001_smile:

[Laura Corin]

I try to cordon off bits of my day for myself (I'm an introvert, who really needs that time in order to have patience for the rest of the day). I do cook breakfast, but then take half an hour to myself. After lunch, I walk the dog for half an hour. After supper, I take time to myself whilst husband puts the children to bed. As I have these designated times (which, yes, I sometimes look forward to) it makes it easier to deal with other times.

 

As for cooking: I agree with the others that the crockpot is a great help. I often make two meals at a time: one to eat now, one that I prepare and throw in the crockpot for later.

 

Laura

[phathui5]

The book Home Comforts is always inspiring to me. I'll sometimes check it out from the library for a couple weeks to get motivated again. Another thing I'll do when I need motivation to clean is rent the series "How Clean is Your House?" from Netflix.