Just a vent (divorce related)

[TheReader]

My parents divorced when I was 10 or so -- some 35+ years ago. 

My mom remains, has always remained, on very friendly terms with my grandma/her ex-MIL (and my grandma, likewise, is friendly with my mom). Everyone else in the family similarly remains, has always remained, on good terms with my mom as well. 

Except my dad.

So now, my grandma needs someone to come stay with her 24/7 for a while, as she recovers from a fall that cracked a vertebrae in her neck. We have every day covered from now until Mother's Day, when my aunt flies in for a week, and again every day after that for however long, between me & my sister, and one out of town, but not out of state, uncle.  

Every day but ONE, which my mom has volunteered to cover.  Everyone is okay with this. Except my dad. 

I am just angry that he's allowing his 35+ yr old grudge/anger towards my mom to cause everyone else to rearrange more things to cover the ONE single day/night  when everyone else can't be there, to keep my mom/his ex from coming to care for his mom.  My mom lives less than 5 mins from my grandma, doesn't work, and is more than happy to step in however needed. 

My uncle who will probably come back and cover that missing day lives 2 hrs away, has adult kids at home and is raising one of his grandkids as well, and will have to come down on a weekend day (when everyone is off work/school at his house) to come cover this day. Which he'll do gladly, b/c it's his mom, but still. The only reason he has to is b/c of my dad's lingering grudge. 

That is all. just needed to vent. (feel free to JAWM or to shed light on why my father is not as unreasonable as I think he is....either is fine)

ETA: Dad (and my aunt) is out of state; mom is 5 mins from my grandma; I'm an hour away, my sister is 1.5 hrs away, the in-state uncle is 2 hrs away, my in-state adult cousin is 3.5 hrs away.  Everyone but dad has volunteered to come. He would have to fly here, but works remotely so would not have to take off work, so he could come if he wanted. 

He gets veto power on this because.....? family culture? he's the oldest son? Not sure.  But thank you all for agreeing he's unreasonable. 

Edited April 13, 2023 by TheReader

[elegantlion]

I'm sorry, he's being unreasonable. 

[fraidycat]

I'm sorry. That is really tough. And I want to assure you that he most definitely is being unreasonable.

[Arcadia]

Your dad is unreasonable and he should volunteer himself for that one day.  
Does your dad even volunteer at all to take care of his mom? If he doesn’t, I won’t even include him in the communications loop so he won’t know if and when your mom pop in to help. 

My maternal uncle has an amiable divorce and he is still on good terms with his ex. Makes things so much easier for everyone. His ex helped for my late maternal grandfather’s wake and funeral. 

[Drama Llama]

I think unless your Dad is planning to cover that day, it’s not really his say.

[ScoutTN]

6 minutes ago, BandH said:

I think unless your Dad is planning to cover that day, it’s not really his say.

This. Why does he have a veto power?

Should it not be grandma’s say? 

Edited April 13, 2023 by ScoutTN

[GoVanGogh]

I agree with above. Your dad is being unreasonable. He should step up and to that day if he is opposed to your mom stepping in.

My parents had a horrible (violent) divorce when I was a kid. They still despise each other, but put on this odd sugary sweet front when they have to be together. I find it very emotionally difficult to be around, even 40-some years later. I get agitated and upset in anticipation of being around them together. Not knowing the reason for your parents divorce (nor needing to know), I get that there may be reasons your dad is opposed. But then that is on him and he needs to step up. 

[TheReader]

*I should clarify -- Dad is out of state, as is my aunt. 

So, locally -- my mom lives 5 mins from my grandma. 

I live an hour from my grandma; my sister lives about an hour & a half from my grandma (but has no car, so my mom will go pick her up and bring her down). 

My in-state uncle lives about 2 hours away. My in-state adult cousin lives about 3.5 hrs away. 

My aunt is flying in for Mother's Day, and has volunteered to come sooner if needed; she's able to stay one week. It works best for everyone else's schedule for her to stick to Mother's Day for her week. 

My dad is out of state also, and no,  not volunteering to come (although he can and does work remotely, so could). 

He gets veto power b/c everyone else said "ask your dad" -- he's the oldest sibling, and, well this is how he is, and so they defer to him on this issue. However unreasonable it very well may be. :sigh: 

[TheReader]

9 minutes ago, GoVanGogh said:

I agree with above. Your dad is being unreasonable. He should step up and to that day if he is opposed to your mom stepping in.

My parents had a horrible (violent) divorce when I was a kid. They still despise each other, but put on this odd sugary sweet front when they have to be together. I find it very emotionally difficult to be around, even 40-some years later. I get agitated and upset in anticipation of being around them together. Not knowing the reason for your parents divorce (nor needing to know), I get that there may be reasons your dad is opposed. But then that is on him and he needs to step up. 

I'm sorry to hear that about  yours; mine are not usually together at all, but it is certainly awkward when they are. However, even my dad's current wife has coached him how to be reasonable and civil when around my mom. It's ridiculous. 

 

[scholastica]

Why did anybody even tell him? She could have gone and helped and he’d have been none the wiser?

[Arcadia]

4 minutes ago, TheReader said:

He gets veto power b/c everyone else said "ask your dad" -- he's the oldest sibling, and, well this is how he is, and so they defer to him on this issue. However unreasonable it very well may be. :sigh: 

They can defer to their mom instead of their eldest brother (your dad).

[fraidycat]

With the additional information, I would go ahead and have your mom help out whenever she feels like it and tell your dad to go pound sand if he's got an opinion about it.

[TheReader]

I mean, I completely agree with all of you, 1000%, but....family culture, ya know? 

When my cousin died, my grandma specifically reached out to my mom and told her about the funeral. Dad heard about it, and "forbade" my mom to go. Mom sent her condolences instead, and my aunt and grandma wondered why (and then understood when I explained it was b/c of dad). That's just how he is/how the family culture is about this. 

[Katy]

I’d call and scold him. I did scold my (now late) dad for both the way he spoke about my mom and the way he spoke to my stepmom.

[freesia]

7 minutes ago, Katy said:

I’d call and scold him. I did scold my (now late) dad for both the way he spoke about my mom and the way he spoke to my stepmom.

I would do this, too. 

[sweet2ndchance]

My ex is the same way with his family. I was still on good terms with his mother until he and his new wife found out and told her that she was either with them or against them and if she kept talking to me that they would cut her off from them. Obviously I understand she chose a relationship with her son over a relationship with her ex-daughter-in-law, I don't hold it against her at all. But his behavior and the idea that he can forbid people from having a relationship with me is all the more reason why we are divorced. It certainly isn't new behavior, that's for sure.

I'm sorry your dad is being difficult about this when he shouldn't even have a say since he isn't there. I hope you can find a way around it. ((hugs))

[Acadie]

I know people who are divorced who don’t want to be in the same room together, and I try to make reasonable efforts to respect that. So the funeral I can understand, and would try to respect. But for this one day’s care he won’t be there, and I wouldn’t consult him on that. Even if relatives say to ask your dad, you could say he won’t be there and you’re not going to do that.